Luna (Lindsey) Corbden's Blog, page 2

2014 Accomplishments – 2015 Goals

Wow, what a year.

I struggle to live in the moment, because in most moments, I fail to recognize what I'm accomplishing and what I have accomplished. My wishlist is always much longer than my completed list. So it's important to sit back and take stock, lest my self collapse under the weight of might-have-beens and ought-to-dos.

Of course my biggest accomplishment was publishing Recovering Agency: Lifting the Veil of Mormon Mind Control . This has been on my bucket list for nearly ten years, and "write a nonfiction book" has been on the bucket list forever. It was the culmination of 15 months of concentrated effort, in addition to the years of research I'd done prior. It's sold over 650 copies, and sales are still steady. Reviews have been overwhelmingly positive, with eighteen 5-star reviews on Amazon, and a glowing review by Richard Packham, who is a prominent voice in the exmormon community. It's helped hundreds of people. I've been personally told by dozens of people about how it's helped their struggle after leaving Mormonism.

So for all my doubts about interrupting my fiction career to veer off in a completely different direction, this is one of those things that I was meant to do. And so I did it.
In the midst of promoting Recovering Agency, I had a few accomplishments that would be worthy of note all on their own:
I was interviewed on 3 radio shows and podcasts. This is the first time I'd been interviewed, and I found I really enjoyed it.

Sunday Night Safran radio interview. This show is a big deal in Australia.

Logicast podcast interview. One hour wasn't enough.

Women Evolving podcast interview. (This podcast is recorded and scheduled to launch this year.)
I had multiple guest posts accepted at popular blogs, with much help from my friend M. Dolon Hickmon, who had the right contacts and also helped me edit the posts up to snuff for these high-caliber publications.

The Woman's Place is on a Pedestal at No Longer Quivering, a Patheos blog for ex-members of the Quiverfull movement and other spiritually abusive environments.

The Not-So-Magical Power of Mind Control at Hey Book Lover.

A Scientific Measure of Spiritual Freedom at Camels with Hammers, a Patheos atheism blog.

God is Dead, but Faith Never Will Be at Freethinker, a prominent atheism blog and magazine that's been around since 1881.

It's True: Dungeons and Dragons Will Ruin Your Life at Homeschooler's Anonymous, a blog to help those recovering from abusive homeschooling and religious family environments.
I attended the Exmormon Conference in Salt Lake City, where I met many wonderful people and made great contacts.
I became an SFWA Associate member based on my 2013 story, Touch of Tides. This is a very exciting accomplishment to me because I put stock in prestigious professional organizations.
I became Campbell eligible for 2013-2014, also based on my 2013 story, Touch of Tides.
I sold another story to The Journal of Unlikely Entomology: Meltdown in Freezer Three .
I attended Rainforest Writer's Retreat again.
Emerald City Dreamer won the NIWA NSQ Award of Excellence for 2013.
I was a panelist at Radcon 6B, for my second year. I really love doing panels.
I was accepted as a panelist to Norwescon 38. This has been on my bucket list for 15 years, so I'm really excited.
I participated as a speaker in the first DEFCON Unlocked videocast to help encourage women and minorities to submit talks to DEFCON.
I was extremely active on social media social justice issues, particularly centered around the Ferguson (aka Black Lives Matter) movement. I also participated in a couple of protests in downtown Seattle.This was also a year for rejections. I had a much higher ratio of losses to wins, but this might be because I pursued more opportunities. Since these rejections took quite a bit of work, they are worthy of mention. Here are a few of my missed targets:I wrote a talk for DEFCON 22. The whole talk. With outline, slides, and draft of the text. Even though it was rejected, I did win the award for "Most prepared talk." I'm not sure if that was "ever" or "for 2014" but I prefer to think of it as "ever."
I submitted the same talk to Shmoocon, where it was also rejected.
I submitted an application to Launchpad Astronomy Workshop, which was rejected.
I submitted 26 stories and all but one were rejected. (Two are still out.) Many of these were personal rejections, and as Christie Yant says, that means my writing is good, but now it's just a matter of editors' personal taste. I keep that advice handy when I get discouraged.Quite a lot of work. So now I'm wondering why last week I felt like I hadn't gotten anything done!
What are my goals for next year? These are difficult to quantify this time, because I'm reconsidering my direction. So some things that I'd planned, I'm not sure if I have the splines/spoons to pursue them. I'm taking a cold, hard look at how much I've bitten off. But I can at least say I'd like to:Find confidence and self-worth in my occupation that is not measured in dollar signs and sales figures.
Publish Emerald City Iron.
Speak at Radcon, Norwescon, and one or two other SF/geek cons. (I've already applied to five or six!)
Speak at a Mormon-related conference, such as the Exmormon Conference and/or Sunstone.
More blog posts, particularly on autism, but maybe also on Mormonism, mind control, and atheism-related topics.
Get into Launchpad.
Write and publish more short stories.
Become an SFWA Active member.
Complete another big project: either a draft of the next Dreams by Streetlight book, edit Sun Never Rises, or draft one of the other novel/novella projects I've had in mind.Here's to a happy and productive 2015!

2014 Awards Eligible Stories

This year, I have two stories eligible for the Campbell Award:

Meltdown in Freezer Three came out in the November issue of The Journal of Unlikely Entomology. It's about an autistic woman who runs an ice cream truck business, with the help of her beloved insect service animal, Macy.
This story is also eligible for the Hugo and Nebula awards.
Touch of Tides came out in Crossed Genres in the August 2013 issue. It's about a scientist studying life under the ice of Jupiter's moon, Europa, and using her inborn synesthesia to make a historic breakthrough discovery.
This is my last year of Campbell eligibility. So please read, and thank you for voting!

What's at Stake: A Letter to My Family

Last night, I sent an email to my white, predominantly conservative family. My partner, Jocelyn, forwarded it to her white, predominantly conservative family. One of her family members was touched and asked me to post it publicly.

I realized that it was hypocritical to protest to strangers both online and on the streets of Seattle, while ignoring just a single appeal to my family. I can be just one more sign-holding body in a crowd, but I am more likely to influence those who know me. That thought stuck in my brain until I wrote and sent the email.

After I wrote this letter, I heard an additional, chilling statistic. Death by police is the second leading cause of homicide in the state of Utah, where I was born. In the state where Darrien Hunt was killed for wearing a samurai costume. More citizens are killed by police, than by gang members, drug dealers, and child abusers. What could scream police state more than that?

SUBJECT: What's at Stake...I wouldn't normally send a political email to family. But this is personal. I don't need you to agree with me, I don't want you to argue with me. I don't need you to do anything except consider these deeply felt concerns from a member of your family. 
Sending this is is a little scary. I'm writing this with shaky hands. But I feel impelled, because this is perhaps the most important cause going on in my lifetime.
I was raised in a certain political environment, one in which I learned Martin Luther King, Jr. was a communist, an instigator, an anti-American. I was taught that the protests of the Civil Rights Movement were drummed up by communist thugs trying to overthrow our American way of life. I learned all the reasons why the marches and riots of the 60s were unneeded and unjustified.
But I also learned that I had the right to protect my life and property, with force, if needed. That if the state began to infringe on my rights, I should be willing to fight to the death to protect my liberty. I learned about the power of the Bill of Rights, especially the First and Second Amendments. 
At home, I learned that freedom wasn't free. That sometimes, it had to be fought for.
So on Monday, I protested the fact that Darren Wilson will not stand trial for killing a black teenager, Mike Brown, in Ferguson, Mo. I held up traffic. I stood before a line of impatient drivers, held up my hands, and chanted, "Hands up! Don't shoot!" 



I listened to the sobs of people whose eyes are open to the injustices that happen every day, not just to Mike Brown, but to each black person who is killed every 28 hours by law enforcement, including Tamir Rice, a 12 year old, who just this week was shot in the stomach for playing with a gun that shoots plastic pellets. 
And the double-injustice of police who are protected from accountability, so long as their victims "deserved it." 
And the triple injustice of black people who rightly fear this could happen to them. This is a fear that none of us with white skin ever have to consider.
I listened to the sobs of Roland and the sobs of our daughter Betsey as they embraced in the middle of the street. You see, they are both black. Roland whispered into Betsey's ear: "Now you promise me you'll do everything I have ever told you around police. Promise me." He is trying to save her life. 


While I was learning childhood lessons that I should rise up in arms against a tyrannical police state, black children everywhere learn that they must always, always, say, "Yes, sir, no sir," no matter how unfairly they are treated by police or the government, no matter how long they suffer under constant oppression.
The risk of death-by-officer is not an imaginary, trumped up fantasy that black people whine about because they have chips on their shoulders. I said 1 black person is killed by police every 28 hours. (http://www.occupy.com/article/black-man-killed-us-every-28-hours-police and http://www.usatoday.com/story/news/nation/2014/08/14/police-killings-data/14060357/and http://fivethirtyeight.com/features/how-many-americans-the-police-kill-each-year/) 
That doesn't begin to count the number of non-fatal beatings, unjustified arrests, and false imprisonments. (More links:http://www.washingtonpost.com/blogs/wonkblog/wp/2013/06/04/the-blackwhite-marijuana-arrest-gap-in-nine-charts/ andhttp://www.huffingtonpost.com/2014/08/22/ferguson-black-america_n_5694364.html and http://www.blackvoicenews.com/news/news-wire/48803-blacks-are-still-majority-of-the-wrongfully-convicted.html) 
These actions are excused by police, the media, and by society through dehumanizing, demeaning, and dismissing African-Americans, the majority of whom are upstanding, hard-working, kind, compassionate, good people. Because of these excuses, law enforcement is rarely held accountable for the abuse of their power.
If this is not the kind of police state I was raised to abhor, I'm not sure what is.
So Monday night, I stood within earshot of police officers and shouted, "F*ck the police!" (Pardon the profanity, but it pales in comparison to the offenses the state is committing against citizens of this great nation.) I knew it wasn't their fault, those Seattle officers who did a fine job routing traffic around us. Most officers work hard, and many of them are good people who risk their lives to protect all equally.
But too many police officers are not held accountable for their abuse of state power. Do we truly believe that there are capital offenses where an officer should be the judge, jury, and executioner? 
All this time spent debating whether Mike Brown had robbed a convenience store that day.. does it matter? Do we really believe that justifies his murder? We debate whether Mike Brown smoked pot. Does it matter? Is that a capital offense now? We debate whether he tried to kill Darren Wilson.. even though Mike Brown died, unarmed, 135 feet away from Wilson, because he had already been shot. He was running for his life.
Here is what I would like you to consider.. not be convinced, but just.. consider. Consider whether we should be talking about whether each black person killed every 28 hours deserves to be killed. Ask whether Tamir Rice, 12 years old, should have been killed for playing with a toy gun. Ask whether Darrien Hunt, a teen dressed in a costume with a fake sword, on his way to a comics convention (something I have done) should have been gunned down by police. Ask if that's okay with you. Set aside your attempts to excuse this for one second and ask if that's okay.
Since the death of Mike Brown in August, 14 black teenagers have been executed by police. Here is a list of their names, and who they were: http://www.thedailybeast.com/articles/2014/11/25/the-14-teens-killed-by-cops-since-michael-brown.html 
I want you to reflect. Are you okay with supporting a government that allows this? 
I am not okay at all. It flies in the face of everything I've been taught. And because it is not okay, I have been protesting. I will protest again on Friday. I intend to interrupt shoppers on Black Friday, to tangle up traffic in Seattle on the busiest shopping day of the year. And if it comes to it, I am willing to be tear gassed, arrested, and even shot, over this issue. 
Because I am not free if my fellow citizens live in fear of the state. I have no rights if my children risk their lives for the crime of being black in America. I am not free if those abusing state power are not brought to justice, if those wearing government uniforms are not turned over to due process to stand trial for a crime that robbed an American citizen of his most important right:  His right to life.
And this is just the grossest of the injustices, which are too numerous to list in one email, that the people of Ferguson, indeed, citizens all over America, have endured for their entire lives. 
These protests and riots did not happen in a vacuum. 
As you hear these news stories of protests, riots, and burning buildings, ask yourself what you might do if these were white kids being gunned down by unaccountable representatives of the state? Before snapping to a judgement, just let this question linger. Think of the names of your sons and daughters. Imagine they have been killed, and now the police and news media are putting your child on trial. They are smearing your family's name, in order to make the killing seem fair and right. And your child is not the first. The cries of parents have gone unheard for years.
If you are willing to bring out the guns to fight tyranny, but you judge these people harshly for doing the same, then ask yourself why. Ask yourself what is really the difference between your children, and theirs? 
Take a moment to consider the words of Christ on this matter: Judge not that ye be therefore judged. If ye have done it unto the least of these, ye have done it unto me. Love thy enemy as thyself. 
I'd ask you to consider one more thing: Stop thinking of black people as thugs. Stop thinking of black communities as crime-ridden neighborhoods where they feed upon their own. Stop thinking of them as useless welfare recipients, moochers off the state. Stop thinking of them as people with no sense of family values. Stop thinking of them as gang-bangers who are looking for trouble. These, and other pre-judgements, are dehumanizing. They are racist. They lead to snap judgements. 
These lines of reasoning have allowed our society to get to this point, because we're encouraged to think that African-Americans deserve whatever is coming to them. It leads to false assumptions about why these problems plague black neighborhoods. There are alternative explanations. Those explanations are just a Google click away, if you're willing to actually listen to the perspectives of those who have walked in those shoes.
As I lay in the intersection, looking up at the helicopters, Roland turned and asked me, "Luna.. how did you get here?" He meant, given my background, how did I end up on this side of the fence, being an activist for social justice causes, defying the law and disrupting traffic? 
I hope this email gives some kind of inkling as to the answer. My principles haven't really changed. I've just changed who I am willing to apply them to. I have changed what I know of the world. I have stopped thinking of myself as oppressed, and discovered that there are those far more oppressed than I. I no longer fret over taxes and zoning laws. I fret over the lives of my fellow citizens who are treated differently for the color of their skin. I fret over Roland, and his brothers and sisters. I fret over my children.
Some of you may be tempted to argue with me. I probably will not reply. Not only have I heard it all, I was once like you – I've thought it all, and I've written it all myself. I just needed to take this one chance to tell you what's at stake.
Thanks for reading,
With Love, 
Luna

A Moment of Silence

I was not planning to make a Thanksgiving gratitude post. My thoughts of thankfulness this year are summed up here. And I am thankful that my children are alive.

Now, a moment of silence.

Donate to the Ferguson Public Library.

Donate to the Ferguson Defense Fund.

Donate to Saint Stephen’s Food Bank.

Double-Standards: The Irony of Empathy and Autism

From I, Robopsychologist in Discover MagazineI sat on the bed across from my partner, tears in my eyes as I prepared to share with him an insight I'd had at therapy that day. I felt incredibly vulnerable, ready to open up this secret part of me I'd kept defensively hidden, even from myself, for many years.
That afternoon, I had become aware that my aloof exterior obfuscated a deep well of emotion and caring. I had blocked myself off from what would otherwise consume me. I'd learned as a child that if I thought about anyone's pain, I'd fall into the vortex. I'd lose myself in a trippy, altered state of consciousness, and not in a good way. 
For example, I once accidentally saw a short video about the maltreatment of animals in the Chinese fur trade, and I couldn't get the horrible feeling or the images out of my head for months. The experience came unbidden, and I couldn't stop imagining what it was like to be those animals. When this inadvertent exposure happens, my only defense is to keep trying to forget, to try to switch off all feeling, to stop caring about anyone. Even as I write these words, I'm fighting off the flood. The result is a hardened exterior, an unfeeling facade, a sort of clinical detachment that I apply to any expression of pain. 
So when I had this insight, I was eager to share it with my partner, who always thought I'd been too distant, too cold. Who had encouraged me to try to open up more, to feel more empathy for others. 
I opened my mouth to speak…
But first, he wanted to share his own insight he'd had that same day. With all the sincerity and loving care he could muster, with the best intentions, he said the most hurtful possible thing he could have:
"I've come to accept that you're just an uncaring person. Feelings for others just don't come naturally to you. I acknowledge that about you. I love you anyway."
I tried to explain. I tried to argue. But he interrupted, insisting. He simply would not hear me out. I'm sure he was trying to soothe my feelings, to argue against what he thought was my own defensiveness and lack of self-acceptance.
But in so doing, he couldn't really hear me. He loved and accepted someone else in that moment. Not me. Who I really was, was being ignored, erased, written over with yet another misunderstood Luna.
All my life I've been misunderstood, even by those closest to me. It's something I've gotten used to, and something I didn't understand until my Asperger's diagnosis last year. 
I can't get over the irony or the pain of that moment. Nor can I get over the irony and pain I feel when I see this scene enacted over and over in my own life and in the lives of other autists.
And so a post on empathy. And on being misunderstood. Because it's really all about the same thing.The Mechanics of Empathy
Autists supposedly don't feel empathy, or perhaps much of anything, and this assumption comes with moral implications. We see it in popular portrays of autism in entertainment. In the news, anytime there's a school shooting, the mental health speculations begin. "Oh, maybe he had Asperger's. They don't feel any empathy, so maybe that's why he did it!" To this day, "lack of empathy" is phrased in different ways on diagnostic lists, an echo from ancient diagnostic criteria for Asperger's, which have long since been clarified and rewritten as "deficits in social or emotional reciprocity," which is more accurate, but still lacking in some ways. 
This (and several other faulty criteria) is one reason why I went undiagnosed for so many years.
It's a dangerous belief that persists in spite of the truth. It dehumanizes autstists, and ironically, gives allists (non-autistics) a get-out-of-empathy-free card. It contributes to greater misunderstandings, bullying, and maltreatment from a supposedly moral and caring society.
In order to understand autistic empathy, we have to understand empathy in general. It's something scientists spend plenty of time studying, so this is something we can know.
First of all, empathy requires the ability to perceive what someone else is feeling. This isn't a psychic phenomenon. It's a type of emotional communication that requires a sender and a receiver who are both conversant in the same languages. It involves the ability to physically perceive body language, to interpret tone of voice, context and subtext, as well as literal meaning of words. 
If the receiver gets the emotional message, then she may feel empathy for the pain the sender feels. Then the empathy must be communicated. She must know how to react in a way that the sender can understand.
So three parts: Understand something is wrongFeel empathyCommunicate that feeling backFor a person with autism, there are many things that can go wrong in this chain of events. Being able to "feel empathy" is only one of the many things that can break down.Autism Factors in Expression of Empathy “Dora Maar” 1936 by: Pablo PicassoWe already know that autists often have difficulty understanding facial expressions, tone, and body language. So right there, that's an issue. Very often, an autist may not even understand that the other person is in pain.
Alexithymia is an issue for many (but not all) autists — that's an impairment in the ability to know what you are feeling. You still feel it, but can't translate it into meaning.
There are other emotional factors as well, such as chronic depression and anxiety.
We also know that autists, even verbal "high functioning" autists have a hard time expressing themselves. This is compounded under stress, which can increase in the kinds of situations where empathy is required. The stress goes up even higher if, based on past experience, the autist is afraid of screwing up.
Sensory issues compound all these already-complicated factors. Arguably, all autsits have issues processing sensory information. Sound, touch, light, emotion, spatial awareness, and more, are all subject to confusion.
As Olga Bogdashina describes in her book, "Communication Issues in Autism and Asperger Syndrome," autists can be hyper- or hyposensors. We can over-sense, and we can under-sense, depending on the person, the sensation, the situation, and dozens of other elements. It leads to problems like I have with hearing. I can hear tiny sound across the house that keep me awake at night, but have to cup my hands around my ears to listen to a friend in a restaurant.
So imagine if I'm stressed out trying hard to process a conversation over the noise of cafe chatter, which is taking most of my concentration and causing me some anxiety. On top of that, I've got to interpret your tone and body language. This alone can pretty much max me out. If I have any processing power left to feel empathy, will I have the wherewithal to react empathetically? 
Sometimes yes. Sometimes no.
Sensory processing can cause problems with understanding facial expressions, too. Autists often avoid making eye contact because the sensory cost of doing so is far too intense. These autists are missing information for determining the moods of others. One aspie I know describes the feeling of eye contact as if someone were touching him all over. He can't concentrate and he feels violated. 
Bogdashina describes a sensory processing phenomenon where parts of a face detach and can't be seen as a whole face. The nose becomes a separate object from the mouth, and the eyes seem unconnected to one another. This would make interpreting body language impossible. 
Emotions themselves are sensations. Some have speculated that alexithymia and other hyposensory issues might be the result of sensory overwhelm, as Kamil and Henry Markham point out in their Intense World Theory.  As a defense against an onslaught of loud music and emotions ramped up to 11, autists might simply shut out the world. The fuse blows, the circuits are tripped, the system powers off. This seems to happen particularly in a temporary condition some autists get called a "shutdown." Like a meltdown, it happens in response to overstimulation, but instead of creating an uncontrollable emotional reaction, it results in the senses completely turning off — no more feelings, and sometimes no more sound, sights, or ability to speak or move.
If feelings can become overwhelming, then empathy, as a feeling, can too. This suggests that many autists have the opposite problem from the one we're infamous for. We may be feeling too much empathy, so, like a hand shading our eyes from a bright sunset, we block it out. "Seventh Voice" describes this phenomenon in more detail.
Assuming we manage to get all that processed and don't clamp down from the overwhelm, we've got to communicate the empathy we feel to people who might not interpret it the way we intend. Here's a heartwarming piece about a mother who was able to read her daughter's nonverbal form of helping, because she was paying attention and learning her daughter's autistic language. Fight or Flight or Freeze or Appease
Gazelle got no time for empathy.
via discoverwildlife.comWe also know that autists are more prone to suffer PTSD. This is likely due to the sensory processing issues, and the fact that for some of us, physical and emotional pain hurts us more than it hurts a neurotypical. We are more likely to generalize PTSD triggers as well, and we are definitely more likely to be bullied. This is all in need of further study, but it's clear that most autists will be dealing with these factors.
Any human being, when triggered by PTSD, is put into an extreme fear state. The higher functions of the brain shut down, and the body and mind go into complete focus on self-preservation. There is no logic in this state, there is no reasoning, and for some autists, there aren't even words because even verbal autists may become non-verbal when triggered.
If an autist is triggered by trauma, or in a constant state of sensory overwhelm to the point of pain, there will be no mental resources left to think about the pain of another person. Survival instincts come first. It's just the way the human mind works.The "Experience" Angle of Empathy
Experience plays a huge role in how all human beings experience empathy. Professor of Psychology and Neuroscience, Warren H. Meck, says, "To be empathic towards others you have to have something in common with them."
You can only feel empathy when you know what it's like to be in the other person's shoes. Empathy is tied to the ability to realize how much you are like another person and to have some level of experiential understanding of what they are going through. We literally can only be empathetic to people we relate to. 
fMRI studies show what's called the perception-action model of empathy, that when we truly know what something feels like, it activates a different region of the brain than when we are struggling to imagine. One is felt, the other is thought.
This creates massive cultural divides. As writer Tim Wise puts it, "Empathy — real empathy, not the situational and utterly phony kind that most any of us can muster when social convention calls for it — requires that one be able to place oneself in the shoes of another, and to consider the world as they must consider it. It requires that we be able to suspend our own culturally-ingrained disbelief long enough to explore the possibility that perhaps the world doesn't work as we would have it, but rather as others have long insisted it did."
Researchers study what they call ethnocultural empathy. According to Wikipedia, "…increasing research found that people usually hold different levels of empathy toward different individuals based on perceived psychological similarity." 
It makes sense that it is easier for us to empathize with people from our own culture, because we have walked similar paths. It is much more difficult to understand people with whom we have no common experiential dialect. At least, until we are exposed to the narratives from that culture — stories, movies, personal interactions, that put us, temporarily, in their shoes through a process called "experience taking." Simply reading fictional stories about people from other walks of life is enough to boost empathy. 
Dehumanization is the wicked, jagged edge of this double-edged sword. It is the act of "othering," of tearing down the ability to feel empathy for an individual or a group of people by focusing on how different they are, so they can be mistreated without a single shred of guilt.
This is all related to "dominant culture arrogance," coined by Nicole Nicholson in her blog, Woman With Aspergers, to describe the idea that the right way to do things is morally right because the dominant culture says so. Is Autism a Different Culture?
I think so. We are raised in the same culture as allists, but our fundamental wiring is significantly different. We process senses and memories differently, we learn language differently, and we experience the world differently. So while we're all using the same words and growing up with the same social norms, we're viewing them through a different lens.
Many autists describe themselves as feeling like aliens, forced to live on this inhospitable planet with "normal" humans who will never understand them. It's where the name for the popular autism site, WrongPlanet.net, comes from. The communication difficulties between allist and autist cultures are very similar to those experienced by people from differing countries.
It seems pretty obvious to me the effect this would have on mutual empathy, yet for some reason, it's not obvious to those in the "dominant culture" who are in a position to judge our supposed "lack of empathy." They view it a symptom inherent to the "disease" of autism. 
Autists simply don't know what it's like to be an allist. We think differently, speak different languages (using the same words), and we care about different things. I pretended to be an allist all my life, and I've passed most of the time, and yet I still don't know what it's like to walk in an allist's shoes. This may be why I struggle to empathize with people who stress about sports teams, fall fashions, or dinner etiquette. I can sympathize, I can try to imagine, I can try to remember what it's like to be stressed about something I care about, but I will never know what it's like to care about a losing sports team.
Just like allists don't easily understand why I need to stim, why it's important that certain of my routines never be interrupted, why I meltdown, or why I care so goddamn much about spiders. And most allists will never understand what it's like to be regularly misunderstood by virtually everyone.
These cultural differences don't prevent me, however, from deeply empathizing with someone in physical pain, someone who has lost a loved one, someone who is suffering from poor health. I've experienced these problems, or something close enough, to understand why it's important. Yet the lack of one type of empathy (say, sadness over ruined wedding plans) does not equate to a lack of all empathy.
Allists have just as much of a struggle to empathize with autists for exactly the same reasons. Our needs and feelings are incomprehensible to those outside our "culture." But for some reason, the responsibility to learn empathy lies on us, even thought it arguably is more challenging for us because of all the sensory processing, PTSD, anxiety, and verbal issues. 
If allists are so socially capable, then why don't they put in the extra effort to learn our language, to feel our pain?Dehumanization of Autists
The way autism is handled by just about everyone (researchers, medical and mental health professionals, teachers, families, the media) is very divisive and problematic, and, ironically, leads to a destruction of empathy.
Dehumanization destroys empathy by creating divisions and making groups of people seem more different than they actually are. The shoes we might otherwise be walking in are torn off our feet.
The military dehumanizes the enemy when they train soldiers to shoot on command. It's what religions do when they demonize anyone outside their faith, and why members of some religions can literally blow themselves up in efforts to destroy innocent civilians — because they're not really people.
When news media speculates on how the latest shooter had Asperger's, it removes society's ability to understand people with autism. And when this comes alongside moral judgement, it also removes society's responsibility to be empathetic. The obligation of reciprocity is removed. Allists don't have to feel personally responsible for the plight of fellow humans who are suffering in their midst.
I am frustrated when I see this happening in research methodology and the conclusions they reach. For instance, one line of thinking has concluded that there are two classes of empathy, cognitive and emotional empathy. "Normal" people of course have the emotional empathy, and autists have cognitive empathy, which is sort of like a lesser version of empathy, not "real" empathy. As M Kelter points out, this turns autistic empathy into some kind of fake empathy, as if we're not really human, or some other class of human.
Allist researchers don't stop to think that maybe we're people, and that maybe we act the way we do for good reasons, and that maybe they could just ask us about our "mysterious" behavior before developing studies to delve deeper. Yes, quantitative studies are needed to weed out biases and poor data, but when these studies are based on faulty assumptions in the first place, the output will be faulty.
It's clear from a majority of studies that researchers never did the initial legwork of treating us like human beings who have mouths and can communicate. Much of the Theory of Mind research is a good example of this, as are most of the autism diagnostic and trait lists, especially prior to the last decade or so. This approach seems to treat autism in terms of how it is a problem for caregivers, and does not, instead, consider how autism affects us, the actual autistics.
Imagine if we treated heart disease this way; if the list of symptoms for a heart attack were framed in terms of how the patient were a burden on those around him:Patient clutches chest even though nothing is therePatient gasps even though there is plenty of air in the roomPatient makes loud nonsensical non-communicative noises, disturbing those around himPatient falls down without a care for the needs of others presentPatient leaves his dead body on the floor as a tripping hazard, with no consideration for public safetyWould it be any surprise then, if after decades of research, no one could figure out the root cause of heart attacks? Would it be a surprise if standard treatments of, "Yell at the patient until he understands how to be kind to others," and "Force patient to remain standing and to breathe normally," don't really work?
Such treatments would be considered highly inhumane and unempathetic. 
Quite frankly, I find much of the common wisdom and current understanding and treatments for autism to be highly unempathetic, precisely because this is the still approach taken.The Pain of Being Misunderstood
I spent most of my life not knowing about autism or that I was on the spectrum. Once I started learning, the floodgates opened. My own empathy for other autists flows easily and very deeply. 
I am an exceptionally verbal person who can socially pass as neurotypical, and I am mostly functional. Yet I relate strongly even with non-verbal autists, who don't seem to share much in common with me. What do we have in common?
Autists seem so very, very different from one another. They say that once you've met one person with Asperger's, you've only met one person with Asperger's. Externally, autists seem incredibly diverse, struggling with very different kinds of problems.
Yet when I watch movies and read about non-verbal autists, I feel like I know them. These are my people. I instinctively understand all their unusual behaviors, even behaviors I don't do myself. 
The first time I watched this video about Carly Flieshman, before I suspected I was autistic, I cried. Her story broke through my hardened, defensive exterior like a wrecking ball. I felt somehow as if I had walked in her shoes, as if I had lived her experience, even though her life is nothing like mine. Her traits are nothing like mine. But somehow I had some inkling of what it was like to be her.
I also strongly empathized with all the autists represented in the documentary Jabbers and Wretches. While watching this film, I realized the one single thing that all autistic people have in common: 
We are all misunderstood.
And we are misunderstood for all the same reasons. No matter how verbal we are, we have struggled our whole lives to communicate. Not just because we have various levels of ability to speak the allist language, but also because our very state of existence is misunderstood. Few allists will relate to a persistent struggle with itchy clothing, lights too bright, sounds too loud, input too confusing, emotions amped up too high, when everyone else around us is just fine with the brightness, the sounds, the social inputs, and the emotions.
Our behaviors are misattributed. Our good intentions are misread. We always seem to be missing the mark, not measuring up, and not fitting in.
No matter where you fall on the spectrum, you know how frustrating it is to get the world to simply understand. I can speak just fine, but I can easily imagine the horror of not being able to. And the nightmare of people assuming stupidity because of it. How heart-wrenching! Their misfortune could have easily been mine. And sometimes it is, in spite of my skill with words.Autists Struggle with Empathy? Or Humans Struggle with Empathy?
What puzzles me is why we autists are the ones with empathy problems. But allists have the privilege of being the "normal" ones who get to make the judgment call. In our case, lack of empathy is a pathology. In their case it's a perfectly understandable reaction because it's ok to treat freaks without compassion. 
Yet we were the ones kept in cruel and unsanitary institutions for centuries, and who are currently undergoing questionable treatments that ignore our pain and deny our humanity. 
So who really lacks empathy? Why must the burden of learning empathy for the "other culture" fall on autists? Shouldn't the heavy lifting fall to those who are supposedly better at it?
Allists demand empathy. We just want some empathy in return. Yes, allist caregivers are frustrated with the one autistc in their life who cannot reciprocate… well imagine if no one around you could empathize with you? How lonely would that be? 
That's the experience of a person with autism. That's what it's like to be in these shoes.The Golden Rule Sucks and Here's Why
I'd suggest that many of these problems boil down to a saying we all learned in kindergarten. It is a phrase designed to teach children empathy, but, in fact, it impairs empathy: 
"Do unto others as you would have them do unto you." 
This one statement has some pretty serious flaws. It presumes everyone is the same. It presumes everyone wants the same things. And if you don't want the same thing, then you're abnormal. You're malfunctioning in some way that must be set right.
The Golden Rule causes us to make assumptions about what other people want based on our own needs. So when we give someone these things, and they reject it, we personally feel rejected. The defensive reaction is to blame them. After all, you were doing the morally right thing that you learned in kindergarten. You're a good person, so they must be the bad one.
Shark's just following the Golden Rule!There is no room in this phrase for constructive feedback or the collecting information to correct the method of giving. We don't learn to ask people questions about their different experiences and what they need. There is no room for active "experience taking" that leads to greater understanding and empathy.
The Golden Rule instills in all human beings the assumption that we ought to just know what others are feeling. But sometimes, no matter how socially capable we are, we have to ask. This goes for neurotypicals as well. Assuming that others need what we need, though well-intentioned, is literally self-centered. Not other-centered. We are interpreting others as if they are us.
Remember the full cycle of reciprocating empathy? Know what someone is feeling, feel it, and react appropriately. The golden-rule assumption causes these steps to break down.
The Golden Rule may be partly at the root of reinforcing the ignorance that surrounds all types of privilege. The subconscious logic goes like this:
"I'm normal, and I want X. Now you're telling me you want Y. That makes no sense, because everyone already has Y. They all have Y because I have Y! And I'm a nice person — I learned to be a nice person in kindergarden — and you're telling me I'm not a nice person because I won't give you Y, but you have Y! Everyone has Y! You must really want X, the way I want X. So I'll give you X. 
"But now you say you don't want X. The only reason you would be acting that way is if you're irrational. You're crazy. You're stupid. You have a chip on your shoulder. You're angry for no reason. You have a disorder and need to be cured." 
If you're a person who wants something different from "normal," you must be inferior. And we come back around to othering and dehumanization.
In the case of autism, maybe X is the neurotypical need to be touched. Y is not wanting to be touched because of sensory overwhelm. 
Or Y can be extra time to take tests, or the ability to avoid eye contact without overt pressure, or the ability to stim freely without being mocked or punished, or the need to take extra breaks, or sometimes just the chance to be taken seriously, a very important privilege many neurotypicals take for granted. The Platinum Rule Leads to Greater Empathy for EveryoneA small change to The Golden Rule would fix everything. I invented this on my own, and called it the Platinum Rule, only to discover that someone else had beat me to it:
"Do unto others as they would have you do," or "Treat others as they want to be treated."
There are no faulty assumptions in this rule. It destroys the presumption that we're all the same. In order to follow it, you must really listen to others. The act of listening itself can be very healing and trust-building. It is a skill that can be difficult for any type of mind to learn, allist or autist. The art of active listening and validation are key ingredients to skillful empathy that rarely comes naturally to anyone.
If we're taught to treat everyone the way they want to be treated, our first question would be, "How do you want to be treated?" And in that, we constantly practice experience taking, and therefore, gain greater capacity for empathy.
In an alternate world, where this is taught in kindergarten, you would have to try to understand others to be a good person. 
And isn't that what we all want? To be understood?

DEFCON 22: The Con That Keeps on Giving

Load up this soundtrack while reading this blog post: http://somafm.com/defcon/ I'll wait.


Alice in Hackerland by Tess Schrodiner
Winning artwork for DEFCON 22Redefining The ExperienceI began my seventh DEFCON looking for a way to give back.
There's only one other con I hold in as high esteem, and that's my hometown science fiction convention, RadCon (this year was my 18th RadCon). Over the years, I've been to dozens of other cons, some regularly (like PAX Prime and Norwescon), but if I miss them, no big deal. DEFCON is a pillar of my year, drilled 100ft into the earth and rising up to the clouds, and it would take one hell of a real-life tragedy to keep me from it.
And like RadCon, I can no longer just attend. I've been a panelist at RadCon for the last two years, and I'm driven to figure out how to participate in DEFCON. Not only because of how much I've gotten from it, and how much I continue to get from it, but for the selfish fact that there are diminishing returns in terms of what I can learn as a non-participant audience.
The few talks I attended were unremarkable. Since I no longer work in IT, I avoid highly technical talks, which are no longer useful to my career. I know enough security theory to write fiction; readers don't want to hear the tech details anyway. If a story is set in a far-future, 2014 tech won't matter, and if I need something current, like safe-cracking for Through a Shattered Tumbler, I can look it up online. 
As a curious person, I often enjoy hearing about new exploits, but even those have started to blend together. The message is always the same: All things are pwned or pwnable. This is a very worthy message, but for me, it's ancient news. It's not as likely to give me a dopamine "ah-ha!" or "holy shit!" feeling anymore. After "holy shit did you know you can stop someone's pacemaker?" and "holy shit all of Boston's transit is owned!" and "holy shit the Russian cybermob, the nets are all gonna DIE!" ... You can only get excited about the sky falling for so long before even that becomes normal. The sky is falling, and it's already fallen, and Situation Normal All Fucked Up (SNAFU).
This screenshot circulated on Twitter
of a hacking tool itself being the vector for mass pwnage.
Amusing, but totally unsurprising.I don't mean to make DEFCON sound unexciting. I had an amazing time this year, as always. But as a neophile, I crave new experiences. Moreover, I'm writing for neophiles who also crave new experiences, and you don't want to read a recap that's a recap of last year's recap. So this isn't a regular post describing the talks or hallway shenanigans.
Mostly, this year was about seeking my place, teaching others, and enjoying the synthesis that comes from mingling knowledge. i.e. making friends and having conversations. This is the true value of any con, because we can learn the rest online. We can watch all the talks on YouTube. What we can't do is talk and wave our hands about and toast to a point that everyone agrees on.
This year, mingling came easy thanks to my autism diagnosis and anxiety medication. This was my second DEFCON since my DX. Last year, my SSRI prescription was brand new and I was still adjusting. I noticed the improvement then, and all the more this year. The power of technology has made social anxiety a distant memory, and I have better coping mechanisms and a higher sense self-acceptance since I know that there is a medical basis for my quirks.
However, the meds don't fix everything. The distracting and painful sensation of anxiety is quelled, but it doesn't fix my awkwardness, the times I'm not sure what to do or what is appropriate. I'm still combatting 38 years of overcompensating, learned behaviors I used to avoid anxiety. The extra serotonin doesn't cure my autism or sensory processing disorders. Sometimes the background noise is too loud and I can't tell what people are saying. Sometimes I'm not sure how to engage in conversation with people I want to talk to, or leave conversations with people I'm no longer interested in.
Sometimes I lock up and don't know what to say, so I stay silent when I should be talking. Or the opposite, a more recent coping mechanism where open my mouth anyway, and let words pour out without any filters. Which works until it doesn't, and I say the wrong thing.
The meds really help in all these cases, because when I do make mistakes or face uncertainty, I'm not assaulted with waves of anxiety that pull me under onto the hamster wheel of self-assault. I'm much more resilient and can keep rolling.
Why Spot the Fed
when you can bring the Feds to you?This has all improved my experience at DEFCON a hundredfold. It's a much more social event than it has been in years past.
I'm-Poser Syndrome** - Attempted pun
When I arrived at the Rio on Wednesday, I felt pretty wobbly and low, and I wondered what right I had to be at DEFCON at all. I'd submitted a talk to CFP, which summarized my several years of research on unethical persuasion and group mind control (which all culminated in my book Recovering Agency: Lifting the Veil of Mormon Mind Control ). The talk got rejected, partly because it was non-computery and partly because the religious criticism it contained was potentially too controversial. I would be attending as a non-participant once again. And in absence of a tech career, with less hands-on computing in my hobby life, with my interests shifting more to psychology, neuroscience, and writing, I really wondered why I belonged at DEFCON at all. Impostor Syndrome had set in pretty hard. Image appears to be from a conference someplace.
Because of splines (see my post on Spline Theory), I don't always realize how much I know. I'm carrying quite a bit around in this brain, but I forget this until I'm reminded of the specific topic. So when I'm around people who know more about, say computer technology, like at a hacker con where I still can't hack any Gibsons (and never will), my self-worth plummets. I really want to contribute, but couldn't see how I'd ever know anything worth disseminating in this particular venue, a venue that has become so very important to me.
(Which is all very ironic, since next week I'll be giving a 3 minute pep talk to others about how "everyone has something to contribute to DEFCON," to give people confidence to submit their own talks. More on this in a second.)
In this context, I got into the registration line Thursday morning, and met a DEFCON newb, a 23 year old who wanted to get into a pentesting career and didn't know where to start. For then next half hour+, I rambled at length about what to see at DEFCON, where to go to get more information on pentesting, how to legally practice pentesting at home, who to talk to to find an infosec job, and an outline of the plan I'd follow I were starting up a pentesting career. (Because I've obviously thought this through.)
Other newbies overheard, and joined the conversation, and I got to chatter on about security theory and the state of infosec and tell anecdotes from past DEFCONs.
It became clear I did belong after all. And I did have something to contribute, even if I still didn't know exactly how.
Over the course of the weekend, I spoke intelligently about all kinds of topics that I normally keep wrapped up in spline-packages that I only open when the topic is brought up: physics, autism, psychology, science fiction, politics, privacy, libertarianism, biohacking, transhumanism, culture, social engineering, current events, shenanigans at past DEFCONs, computer history, hacker and crypto history, Masons, and some other topics I no longer remember because eventually I got drunk and it's difficult to remember 4am conversations anyway.
So I'm in a strange spot. I'm not a super-expert in any one field, but I have something to say in all fields. I belong at DEFCON, but I am still seeking some way I can give back. I continue my quest to find a topic for next year's talk. The whole con I brainstormed ideas for projects I could turn into CFP next year.
Bonus: Here are two whacky ideas that I will never implement because I don't have time:Win the beard contest by building a Minecraft processor, writing a program to draw an 8-bit beard design, and print it. Wear the printed paper beard to contest. Score.Once a week, document in a blog an attempted recipe from the Anarchist Cookbook, just like Julie did from the Joy of Cooking as depicted in the movie Julie and Julia . After completing all recipes in the book, write a DEFCON talk. Score.
Biohaxx0rThe program lured me into a meeting to plan a possible Biohacking Village for DEFCON 23.
DEFCON villages are rooms dedicated to providing hands-on learning of the basics of various subjects. In the Lockpicking Village, there are lockpick sets and locks and helpful teachers around so you can learn to crack physical security. The Tamper-Evident Village provides sealed envelopes and solvents to open and reseal them without revealing they've been open. The Hardware Hacking Village provides solder and circuit boards and people who will teach you schematics and soldering skills. Each village also provides regular talks and demos at entry level so everyone can learn.
The Biohacking Village would do the same. One definition of "hacking" is using technology for something other than its intended purpose. So one could view biohacking as leveraging biology for something other than its intended purpose. And we'd show people how to do that at DEFCON.
We had about 10-15 people in attendance from many different backgrounds. As we talked, we discovered we would have no shortage of content, in the fields of, but not limited to: Nootropics and pharmaceuticals, bioethics, bioinformatics, genetics & DNA splicing, psychology & neuroscience, hacker health & nutrition, transhumanism, biochem and nanotech, and biometric security. Several of the discussions were way over my head. We had people there in classic computer technology fields, and others in biotech careers I'd never even heard of. We were all very excited to help establish this village.
We kicked around ideas for hands-on activities, talks, and advanced equipment for onsite demos. We had enough content ideas to start our own con, but as we discussed, we want it at DEFCON for the same reason the other villages exist: To give all DEFCON attendees a chance to go outside their regular sphere and learn something new. Moreover, cross-pollination between these two fields can help guide biohacking culture with our 40 years of cumulative hacking ethics.  
In many ways biohacking grew out of hacker culture. Biohacking is in the same stage computer hacking was in the 1970s with the Homebrew Computer Club. Back then, IBM and major universities steered computer technology down a fixed path. Their rigid organizational cultures wouldn't allow them to envision how interesting and useful computers could be to ordinary citizens. 
Thomas Watson, 1943.
This was the dominant culture driving computer tech until the 1970s.But the Homebrewers destroyed these artificial limitations and created the home computing industry. With the first home computer, the Altair 8800, hacking communities formed to find uses for them. Wozniak and Jobs used this environment to develop the Apple, the first home computer which could be operated by an ordinary human being. 
I can't get enough of this computer history shit. Yep, the very first Apple computer
with a custom wooden case mod.Ever since then, most disruptive computer technologies (or popularized disruptive uses of previously developed technologies) have come out of people's garages. Microsoft, ISPs, Netscape, Amazon, ad nauseam.
As Richard Thieme claimed at DEFCON 17, the future of biotech will follow the same course. Biohacker spaces are popping up everywhere, including here in Seattle at HiveBio. The ethics and implications are both exciting and scary. This infant hacking field needs to learn from all the mistakes and successes of the computer scene's four decades. Especially since the stakes are now much higher.

If you're interested in getting involved in creating this potential village, you can join the discussion list.
This will likely be my "thing" next year. I plan to contribute, if it gets the go-ahead, and I may do that in lieu of, or in addition to, writing a new talk. Up till now, my related bio-interests have focused on autism and psychology. But I've always wanted to learn biochemistry so that when people talk about it, I'm not completely lost. The vendor area had a copy of the Manga Guide to Biochemistry so I snatched it right up and am now reading it. Lots of "ah-ha!" moments, which is what I crave in my life. 
Along those lines, I'd like to get more involved with my local DEFCON group, DC206.
MiscellaniaI did see a couple of talks of note this year. 
One was the controversial Diversity Panel which I tweeted a great deal about. It was so controversial, in fact, that it deserves a whole separate post. It's a good catalyst for discussing the larger diversity and accessibility issues at DEFCON. These problems have existed all along, and the time has finally come to talk about them.

The Defcoin talk was very interesting and useful. I'm a hands-on learner, and need to grok a thing down to its bones before I'm comfortable with it. I sometimes can't just "trust the magic." Cryptocurrency is one of those subjects. It's a newfangled thing and I wanted to understand it better. This talk did a great job. Better still, we all received a paper wallet containing a key for 100 Defcoin and links to the blockchain. 
Monies. I hope you type in the key so I can lulz at you.
defcoin.assmeow.org - Search the blockchain for lulz and profit!defcoin.org/wallet - Get the wallets for to keep the monies.reddit.com/r/defcoin - Talk about yer monies.defcoinstats.com - Numbers about monies made of numbers.
The makers of defcoin hope people will use the coins to learn more about cryptocurrencies and to test vulnerabilities and try out new ideas. Apparently there were also clues to the badge puzzle in the blockchain, so that was awesome. I'll probably look for them while I'm there if I can figure out how to work this thing.

I feel like I have a much better grasp on cryptocurrency now. I got the wallet and have cashed in my 100 coins. I may even do something with them. Not sure what yet.
I don't know much about the DEFCON badge this year, other than that it lights up, has a USB port, and the light patterns change when you touch various combinations of the metalic letters "DEFCON". A friend of mine hacked his to spell his name in binary. 
I didn't even touch the badge puzzle, but it looks like Lost put in some low-hanging fruit (like ROT-13) so I could have gotten through at least a stage if I'd tried. Oh well, my con was packed enough. The full solution is here.
Do what this badge says and
Do No Obey!
Also, this statement is false.One of the most exciting things that happened to me this year is that I finally got hold of two l33t badges: The Queercon Badge and the Telephreak pager. I snagged them both within the same hour.
Hi! Hello! Wave!For those wondering how to snag l33t loot, it's all about the luck. That's how we got the FailBlog party badge and the Facebook party badge, both from, uh... DEFCON17 I think. 
In this case, I was between talks in the con space, and happened to glance at Twitter in time to see @queercon had posted a location and a password 8 minutes prior. I rushed to the location, no one was there, I waited around wondering what to do, when I saw them. They were talking to a small group of people about the party, and I walked up and blurted out the password really loudly, which was pretty stupid, because no one else there knew the password. (Did I mention I have Asperger's?) So they had to hand out QC badges to everyone there and change the password all because of me. Ha.
Nevertheless, it is the single most cool badge I have ever owned. There is an array of 70 white LEDs, with 5 colored LEDs on either side. A series of animated images and words flash past on the array. I've been unable to read the words, because they always flashed past while I was wearing it (when it's upside down to me), nor do I understand why and when it displays what. Even back home from the con, I'm seeing the little stick man doing animations I hadn't seen at the con. And the colored lights do something now and then.
I did learn at the Queercon pool party that it syncs with other badges, and increments the number on the side lights. Two stick figures wave at one another during the sync. It's also supposed to increment something for each Queercon event you attend, tho it didn't seem to be working at the party I attended. And people with black badges increment it in a more special way. That's all I know. I'm waiting for the full writeup. It's a beautiful and sophisticated badge and I will treasure it and bring it to future DEFCONs. Plus it looks like a floppy disk.
Update: Queercon has just now published the badge writeup, so I'll read that soon!
Immediately after getting the Queercon badge, I glanced at Twitter (as addicts do), and saw @telephreak tweet a different location for access to their party. So I booked it over to the Whopper Bar. At this point, I'd speed-walked the entire length of the Rio.
As with Queercon, I wasn't sure what to expect. I didn't see anyone there. I wasn't sure if I should start asking people. And of course, at DEFCON, you're always on alert for a prank. So I didn't want to make a big show of anything. (See above with the FailBlog party badge. Yes, it was a prank.)
But after standing there for awhile, the Telephreak guy showed up, and OMG I GOT A TELEPHREAK PAGER AND YES I'M WRITING IN ALL CAPS BECAUSE 7 DEFCONS AND NOW I CAN GO TO THE TELEPHREAK PARTIES.
A working pager.
And a SIM card. Not sure what it's for.
(I'm scared to put it in my phone.)I am clearly very happy about this. 
My favorite kind of con party is the type where there's just enough alcohol to loosen up, and enough quiet space and intelligent people to sustain hours and hours of conversation. Telephreak/2600.net threw an amazing super awesome party that inspired me to stay up till 3am Sunday night of the Con when I had a flight the next morning. They held it in a posh suite. They gave talks. There was a smoking room upstairs where we could converse for hours. Basically the most perfect party. I will sing its praises and raise my glass. Plus they earned $1260 for EFF. Plus the pager is old school 90s tech nostalgia with an anachronistic USB charger.
So, the secret to getting l33t party invites and badges is to follow the right people on Twitter and pay close attention.
Outside of that, and the EFF party on Thursday night, I spent most of my late-night party hours at "Bar Con." There's this casino bar in the hallway at the Rio between the con area and the rooms. There's plenty of space to spill out into, and the point is you hang there from midnight until the sun comes up. It's quiet enough to converse, and you can snag people as they walk past. I hope there's a similar space at the new location. (SPOILER: DEFCON is moving next year.) I've met so many new people at Bar Con.
In random trivia: Our room number had the following characteristics: palindrome, binary, and prime. A few people tried to guess it in Twitter, and for the one who guessed 10001, you win! But then, I like you lots anyway. *wink* (Yes, I'm flirting in a blog post.)
The last bit of news is DEFCON Unlocked. It was born on Twitter a couple of months ago in the midst of a discussion about helping women, minorities, and others, feel comfortable submitting a DEFCON talk. We realized that many DEFCON attendees don't have confidence, or for various reasons, may feel like they aren't "cool" enough or have nothing to contribute. DEFCON Unlocked will address this through two webinars, organized by Tarah Wheeler Van Vlack. The first is next week, and will consist of a series of short peptalks by people you might have heard of, as well as some advice on what to start working on right now so you'll be ready to write a talk in the spring. We will also open the floor for questions.
Then in the spring, when open calls for CFPs begin, we'll run another webinar on what to expect and how to write the actual talk.
So take a little advice from this big mean Dalek:
I know I plan to!Whatever you're working on, and whatever I end up working on, I hope to see you next year!

Reflected in Ice: An Aspergers Review of Frozen

The following movie review contains mild spoilers. I try to tread lightly, but can't avoid addressing a few in-movie moments or thematic elements.


There are two measures of good art.

The first is anything that can make me feel strongly. The other is that which holds up a mirror to the viewers, in which, each sees herself.

Frozen accomplished both of these goals with resounding success.

Secret Wish - Tami Vaughn
I had this printed on a mousepad I used for years.Good mirrors are composed of metaphors and character traits and plot in the right combination of vague and specific to reflect a broad range of life situations and personalities. Many types of people see themselves in Frozen: girls who are raised to be perfect, sisters who struggle in their relationships, women who are deceived by those they trust, those who have secrets, neurodiverse people, anyone who is misunderstood, and anyone who is rejected for all the wrong reasons. And like the second trial in The NeverEnding Story, a mirror which reveals the viewers "true self", Frozen's mirror can reflect the ugly parts of some people, like the blogger, "Well-Behaved Mormon Woman", who calls Frozen part of the "gay agenda to normalize homosexuality" and who says it's terrible we're letting kids get the message that rebellion is better than obedience.

Can you hold it down, please?
I'm trying to make history over here.Whatever, lady. I have an entirely different view when I look at myself in art.

Frozen reflected many visions for me. Most strongly, it portrayed my autism in a very accurate way. It also reflected my relationship with my sister, and my struggles to leave the religious culture of my birth (incidentally, Mormonism), and my struggles relating to my family members who still belong to that culture. I will cover my thoughts on all these points.

Social equality activists argue for more representation of minorities in fiction. There are many good reasons to do this, but for any creator, the biggest reason should be "to make better art". When the same old characters are dancing to the same old plots choreographed with the same old tropes and the same old twists, only the same old segment of society is allowed to see themselves reflected in art. And even that segment is only allowed to get the same messages they always have about themselves. The mirror is cracked and the reflective backing is faded. It ceases to be useful even for the intended audience.

What's fun is a funhouse with only one twisted mirror?


Frozen is the first movie I can remember that explores the relationship between two sisters. I'm sure there are other examples, but they are few and far between. Often, to find them, you have to leave the mainstream film scene, into the art houses and foreign films.

Because of this dearth, Frozen had it easy. Its subject and plot is low hanging fruit. Disney made the only mainstream movie about sisters in recent history, so of course anyone who is a sister and has a sister is going to see herself in it. Finally, someone is showing her herself.

Because women are so rarely represented in movies, outside certain highly limiting tropes, we latch on to anything we're given. And it benefits us all greatly. Frozen allowed my sister and I to have a conversation we were unable to have before, because we lacked any kind of context to have it. Frozen helped her and I understand one another more.

Any filmmaker following in Frozen's footsteps will face a steeper challenge. The next attempt will require a little more thought and nuance in order to be good art and not simply derivative.

This is a good thing. I hope many attempts will be made to best Frozen's "sisters" mirror. And while we're at it, let's take a look at other female-female relationships. Mother-daughter? (Brave got us started there.) Business partners? Partners in crime? Buddies? (More Thelma and Loiuse, please.)

And God forbid.. Perhaps we could see female-female romantic partners? In spite of the success of the big gay agenda, I currently only have one small part of one song that describes what it feels like to be snuggled up with my lovely girlfriend. That ought to give well-behaved blogger up there a real example of homosexuality portrayed in the media.

Anyway, there's plenty more low-hanging-good-art fruit for the picking. Half the movie-viewing audience are women who really want, crave, and need more mirrors.

Now, I'm not implying Frozen's creators were amateurs and that it only succeeded because they entered unexplored territory. They tread some other ground which is extremely well-trod and managed to find a fresh mirror there, too.

The "be your own unique self no matter what people say" theme has been done to death. It's part of American culture, and we love it every single time. Where this theme gets stale is, again, where we endlessly see the same take on it. The underdog nonconformists who win in the end, they all start to blur together after awhile, until we forget that this is the theme of pretty much every single movie, ever. We don't even notice it anymore. The individualist rebel has become the new conformity, the ideal that we all strive for equally, to the point where we shun anyone who fails.

Repeat after me...For Frozen to pull this old trick out of the bag, dust it off, and make it seem like they were the first to ever think of it, is a pretty tremendous feat. A mirror is pointless if we keep seeing the same image. It's the one that reveals a different side, or that pimple hiding under the chin, is the one that wins the "Good Art" award from me.

The song "Let It Go" is good art for the same reasons. It speaks to these common themes and others, of social rejection, of turning ostracization into chosen isolation, of the damage caused by suppressing feelings, of finding self-acceptance, and of having uncontrollable emotions or an inner power which is misunderstood.

This scene made me cry the first time I saw it. Which leads us to autism.

Others have written about this topic. But I shall write more about it. Because when you meet one person with autism, you've only met that one person with autism, so there's no one definitive autistic perspective.

[Mild spoilers incoming!]

Elsa is born with her power, and she is taught to hate and suppress it. She learns from her well-meaning parents that she is dangerous and likely to hurt others, especially her sister Anna, who she loves. She has to hide away in her locked room, stuff her feelings, and resist using her powers because of these inaccurate beliefs about herself.

Her powers are a double-edged sword. They started as a force for good, which she used to make her sister happy and strengthen their sisterly bonds. But after one mistake, her talent turns into a dark and ugly thing, not because of Elsa herself, but because of how the people around her view it.

Ironically, it isn't her magic that hurts Anna. It's Elsa's self-imposed isolation because she believes herself to be dangerous. All Anna wants is the same love they once shared. The door that separates them wounds more sharply than the ice which was easily healed.

In a perfect case study of unintended consequences, Elsa's suppression of her power is what keeps her from controlling it. It all comes out sideways at the worst time, and she ends up in mutually-agreed upon exile, but with disastrous results for both her and her people. Again, it isn't her powers that are dangerous, it is how she and everyone else is handling them.

Olga Bogdishina's book, "Communication Issues in Autism and Asperger's Syndrome", talks about the ways autists process sensory information differently from neurotypicals (NTs). Among other issues, autists deal with being either hypo- or hyper-sensitive to stimuli. "Their senses seem to be too acute…or not working at all…"

Excellent book.
So read it.Every autistic individual has a mashup of different conditions under which their senses are either ramped up or remote and blocked off. For some, sounds will always be too loud (auditory hypersensitivity) but they have no idea what they're feeling (alexithymia). For others, they do fine with sound... until they get overstimulated. Then they can hear a pin drop on the other side of the house.

Emotions should be counted among the "five" senses. Emotions are a sense, giving us information about our internal reactions to outside events, and are subject to hypo- or hyper- sensitivity effects. For autists, emotions can be remote and incomprehensible, or very loud like a blaring siren. While I've had periods in my life where I was more hyposensitive to my feelings (my teen years), these days, I tend to be more hypersensitive. I usually know what I'm feeling, and why, and even what I need to do to change those feelings. The downside is that strong emotions are very, very strong. Overwhelmingly so. Uncontrollably so.

And that's where meltdowns come in. 

Add to the complication, I was raised in a passive-aggressive environment, where showing certain emotions was never allowed. I quickly learned that crying would invoke an angry response, or accusations, or that I could hurt the people I loved. I became very good at repressing my tears if anyone else was around. When I became an adult, I had to teach myself to cry. It's a lesson I've never fully learned, and I have lots of triggers and shaky boundaries around that. All stuff I continue to work on.

When I feel cornered and triggered, I can meltdown. My emotions become so overwhelming that they shut down my thinking brain, with symptoms very similar to panic attack. I feel anxiety like fire, in my whole body, even my skin. I can't breathe, I can't think straight, I can't act in the best ways to protect myself. Everything becomes all-or-nothing. I may lash out and say hurtful things.

I'd put something funny here but it isn't really funny.Cue Elsa. Here she has this double-edged power. She can build magnificent complicated fractal-based buildings using only her mental powers, but when she loses control, she shoots icicles from her hands.

Elsa's big triggers are related to emotions. When her parents die, her room turns frosty. And just like me, she becomes most dangerous during conflicts. She always risks hurting someone when she feels powerful things. And most of all, no one understands her. She's hurting and afraid, but everyone thinks she's a monster.

Her powers are just like my overwhelming emotions. As a child, I dealt with them by never feeling anything. As an adult, I still try to stuff them sometimes, but it totally backfires, especially when it reminds me of being a helpless child and I get triggered.

Power over ice is the best metaphor here. Aspies are often thought of as being emotionally cold, yet like Elsa's power, our emotions are often very active and passionate. Emotional repression is like trying to freeze feelings. And when I get upset, words come more difficult to me, as if my thoughts are freezing up. When the panic sets it, it's hard to breath, like my chest is frozen with fear.

It's not an icebeam, no that's all Jonny Snow!
(And Elsa the Snow Queen)Anna tries to reason with Elsa, so together they can solve the endless winter problem. I related to Anna here, as well. My solutions are so simple, yet sometimes so hard to convey.

This is when Elsa whirls around in frustration, erecting a defensive ice barrier all around herself. Unknowingly, she hits Ana in the heart with an icy ray.

How often have I whirled about in my own pain and frustration said something that wounded someone I love? The closer to meltdown I am, the worse it is. I'm not trying to hurt anyone, though people accuse me of doing so. I'm as surprised as Elsa is, when she hears Ana's little cry of pain.

The metaphor continues through Anna's reaction. She seems fine for awhile. She knows she's got a problem, but she runs around for awhile and even has a comedic musical number with the trolls, before the ice starts to take over and incapacitates her. That's how painful words work. We stand up and shake them off and move along in life, but if the words were painful enough, they cause traumas that are hidden but still slowly freezing us to death.

Elsa finds her answer, and it's the answer I found. By stuffing her emotions, by trying to deny who she really is, by allowing social shame to consume her, she becomes explosive. It's only when she "lets it go" and accepts who she is in spite of what others tell her, that her talent becomes a controllable force for good. A unique power no one else has.

The message here, for anyone with autism or Aspergers, is to be true to your autistic self. NTs are going to set up alot of incomprehensible social standards for you to follow, but maybe you don't have to. At least not all of them, not all the time. Maybe there are ways around them, or maybe you can just do what you're going to do anyway, without shame. Maybe some of those social standards are lame and need to be questioned and rejected.

Art by FabUUlousGear.
Because you can get this as a mousepad.By accepting and being open about all facets of your personality, you learn to control your powers. You can avoid those pesky painful meltdowns altogether, and forgive yourself when you can't. You can create your own environment, a palace on a hill, free from overstimulation and ridiculous social rules. And when you get really good at that, maybe you can come down off the hill and be a leader for others.

Or not, and that's okay, too.

One of the emotional elements of Frozen, for me, was Elsa's entire story arc. I had a rotten 2013. I was diagnosed in April. Conflicts between me and Roland were increasing in intensity and frequency. For many reasons, my anxiety continued to increase, until it pained me every single day. I was melting down every couple of weeks, every month at a minimum. I had multiple scary suicidal moments which recurred for months.

My diagnosis was helpful, but it also spun me into turmoil. I had my own self-rejection/self-acceptance narrative arc. I had to learn about my traits, my powers, and my limits, and then learn to articulate them to others.

As I watched Elsa struggle on screen, trying on various options to deal with her power/curse, I watched myself. I felt her pain and confusion. I understood her loneliness. But I also triumphed with her. I danced with her as she sang of how she no longer cared what anyone else thought, she no longer wanted to hide her true self, she would no longer try to be the perfect girl everyone expected her to be.

It's making me tear up as I write about it.

By the end of the year, I'd found my balance, an equilibrium, of how to live with autism and accept myself. The hardest part was learning how to be around others. Living in an ice castle is one thing, but I have family. I learned to set boundaries to keep other people from hurting me, which also resulted in me hurting them less. Like Elsa, I am now able to step out on the stage, confident, knowing I am loved.

That's not to say I won't continue to struggle. Every story arc repeats itself. On screen, it's just a sliver, a slice, of the cyclic life-themes we continue to deal with. Frozen gives us a common language to think about it and discuss it.

The story also reflects isolation, of being around others and yet effectively alone because true communication is impossible. This is the story of autism.

When I first started researching autism, I wondered what non-verbal autists could possibly have in common with me and other aspies. Yet I still had this deeply empathetic response to any non-verbal autist I read about or saw on video.

In the documentary Wretches & Jabberers, two men with classical autism travel the world to meet other autists and advocates. I found myself almost in tears through the whole film. Even though their experience of life is, in so many ways, very different from mine, I felt some common, mysterious tie.

Wretches and JaberersThere's a moment in the film where Larry expresses how painful it is when people thinks he's stupid because he can't talk. I related so hard to this moment, not because people think I'm stupid. The opposite, I'm normally perceived as being above-average. It took me awhile to figure out what I had in common with Larry in this moment.

Then it occurred to me – the key thread is being misunderstood.

I know myself really well. I know my capabilities and feelings and outlooks. Yet often NTs think they know these better than me. They make assumptions about my motives, and then they argue with me, trying to convince me their outside perceptions are more real than my own experience.

All autists are deeply misunderstood. NTs often think we're stupid, or out of control, or crazy, or drama, or unfeeling, or unempathetic, or dangerous. They think we're emotionally unintelligent. We are painted in broad strokes with wide brushes that assume intentions and ascribe meanings which aren't true.

It's even harder, for those of us who are skilled in the use of language, when what normally works for us suddenly stops working. We sometimes can't find words, or the words we use are suddenly incomprehensible to NTs because of their assumptions or because autistic thought patterns are so different and difficult to communicate across the divide. Other skills, like sensory processing or executive function and abruptly fail, and we blow through expectations set by past behavior.

For this and many other reasons, I've known instinctively, since I was a small child, that I could expect to be misunderstood on a regular basis.

To see Elsa fleeing her own kingdom really struck a chord. She tried so hard to be like everyone else and to avoid hurting anyone, and yet she still failed and had her motives misascribed. This is something many autists can relate to.

The misunderstanding is even more acute because Elsa looks normal. Her "disability" (diversability) is invisible, so when it suddenly appears, it is all the more shocking and horrible and more difficult to understand. Aspie behavior is much the same. Because no one can see a reason for strange behavior, NTs can hurtfully ascribe motives that make sense to them, but not to us.

"You just need to try harder..."
Helpful advice, but only a littleIt's easy to see why someone in a wheelchair isn't running in a marathon, but when a well-dressed, intelligent, and verbal aspie with sensory processing disfunction fails to reciprocate a friendly greeting, it must be out of rudeness or meanness or a lack of empathy, not out of severe social anxiety, or an inability to assemble the words into meaning, or the inability to instinctively understand what the appropriate response is.

Likewise, when Elsa's power first escapes in public, she is accused of being a sorceress, a monster. The people are not only afraid of her, some of them hate her and want her dead.

This reflects the quick switch of being admired by everyone, then abruptly alienating them, and not knowing why. That's the life of an aspie who passes as neurotypical, builds up expectations, then shocks everyone when we reach a limit and breakdown, or fail at some seemingly simple task (like shaking someone's hand). People don't realize the capricious nature of Aspergers, that sometimes those little things are impossible for us, even if it was possible just a minute ago.

Just like it became impossible for Elsa to contain her powers.

Though Elsa is a secondary character, she upstages Anna, the protagonist, who may also be a relatable character for aspie viewers. She is clumsy, socially awkward, blunt, practical, lonely, and unorthodox. She also expresses an impulsiveness and devil-may-care attitude which is not only endearing, but common to the Asperger's experience.

I related very strongly to Anna's confusion and pain when Elsa shuts her out the way my sister did me. Elsa's reasons for the rejection seemed to be good, but it caused more harm than it prevented. As in their case, my own relationship with my sister seems to be improving the more time we spend talking to one another, not less.


My sister's reasons for shutting me out are rooted partially in long-running misunderstandings about my behavior vs. her interpretation of my behavior. Once I told her I am as aspie, she could understand me more. (No everyone reacts this way, however. I have heard that revealing an Asperger's diagnosis sometimes causes increased misunderstanding in families.)

My sister's reasons are also partially rooted in religion, which leads me to the last mirror that Frozen held up to my life.

When I chose to leave the religion of my birth, I felt a mix of conflicting emotions. I still do. On the one hand, I can celebrate my freedom from expectations and rules which never quite fit me, as Elsa does. There is much joy to be had in that. My new beliefs and new way of living is very me. I've lived this way for thirteen years, and the more time that passes, the more I know this path is totally right for me, and I won't let anyone take it from me.

Yet like all good stories, there are tradeoffs and conflicts. This isn't a Mary Sue story, and the price I paid is steep. I left most of my family behind. I left my cultural homeland behind. I could no longer fit in there, so I exited. By isolating myself from them (and that isolation is a two-way street), they can no longer hurt me, and likewise, I no longer hurt them by being myself in their presence. But my leaving had unknowable destructive effects back home. My family misses me, and though their desire for me to fit their mold is unrealistic, it is also real.

Though we now live in very different worlds, we are still family. This story arc has not ended for me yet. I'm still the Elsa dancing in her ice palace, singing "Let It Go", trying to forget the people I left behind, trying hard to pretend they're better off without me as I am better off without them.

Our issues seem insurmountable, but maybe they aren't. The trolls sing a song about fixer-uppers which is about marriage and romance, but it also addresses blood-family. "Everyone’s a bit of a fixer-upper, that’s what it’s all about! Father! Sister! Brother! We need each other to raise us up and round us out." 

Getting to the point of acceptance is the hardest part. Unconditional love isn't loving in spite of differences; it's loving because of the differences. Unconditional love has no room inside it for wishing the other person were different. We can wish they'd treat us better, and set boundaries towards that end, but when we want them to act a certain way so we can pretend they are a fantasy version of themselves? That is very selfish indeed. That's alot of strings attached, enough to turn our loved-one into a puppet.

I love you...
I just don't approve of your choice to be a chicken.The way I choose to live is a very spiritual path for me, uplifting, deep. Like Elsa, I feel ostracized for being who I am. In "Let It Go", when she sings the words, "No right or wrong, no rules for me", it's because those rules don't fit her the same way fit the others. She's decided "the perfect girl is gone" because she has a new standard of perfection all her own. This feeling is reflected in the lyrics of the radio version by Demi Lovato, "Up here in the cold thin air I finally can breathe; I know I left a life behind but I'm too relieved to grieve".

Having gone through that, it really is a weight thrown off. 

It's sad that by creating her own standard and cutting those strings, Elsa has to isolate herself: "Standing frozen in the life I've chosen, you won't find me, the past is so behind me, buried in the snow."

Elsa does eventually find acceptance among her people, but the movie fails to explain how this happens. The implication is that it magically happens once she comes to accept herself. In real life, it's kind of that simple, but not really. The reality is that some people will accept you. Others will reject you even more. Still others will reject you at first, and then slowly decide that love is more important–and more effective–than trying to form everyone else into a standard of false perfection.

In my case, whether talking about autism or religion, self-acceptance is my priority. If I have to reject myself to be accepted by others, their love isn't worth it. I would rather live my life in the best way I know how, and let them come around to me, if they want. In many ways, this is my "kingdom of ice-olation", but it's a price I am willing to pay.

RadCon 6B Report

What an amazing RadCon was at its best this year. It's not just me saying that, but all the blog posts and Facebook reviews say the same. I was left yesterday being completely exhausted, that type of bone-weary you feel in every cell, like when you're sick, only without any symptoms. Today, after resting up, I'm bursting with post-con energy.

I was a panelist again this year, but this time it wasn't a last-minute thing, so I had participated in the programming process from the beginning. Liz was trying to keep everyone with a maximum of five panels to avoid wearing us out, but I'm greedy. I like sitting around a table talking about things I know and am passionate about. So I asked her for more. I ended up with eight, including my reading. On top of that, NIWA scheduled me for five hours running the table in the small press room. Even though this meant I had zero time to see the rest of the con, I don't regret it for a second.

Luna Lindsey reading Touch of Tides
from Crossed Genres magazine.
Photo by Andrew WilliamsThis is the first Radcon where I never stepped one foot inside the dealers room or the gaming room. There simply wasn't time.

Friday began at 2pm with a last-minute panel because someone else had canceled. It was Professionalism in Indie Publishing, in which I met or re-met some great fellow indie authors and publishers, Kaye Thornbrugh, Mike Chinakos (former president of NIWA), and David Boop. We talked about the importance of presenting a professionally written and formatted book, acting professionally, and the differences between individual self-publishing and independent publishers.

At 4:30, I moderated my first panel ever, Picture This! This is an unusual panel, and my second time doing it. It's a really fun exercise. Three authors (myself, Peter "Frog" Jones, and S. Evan Townsend), read some fiction, while pro authors and audience members (if they want), draw a sketch inspired by the reading. The Pro artists included Howard Tayler, Herb Leonhard, and John Gray. It's a really great way for artists and writers to mingle. Our two creative crafts can play off one another so well. I've been inspired by art, and as they proved in the panel, it works in the other direction.

I read a draft of my as-yet unpublished story, "Meltdown in Freezer Three", which included vivid images of ice cream trucks and praying mantises. Here are the three different interpretations of my story:

Howard Tayler - Meltdown in Freezer ThreeJohn Gray - Meltdown in Freezer Three Herb Leonhard - Meltdown in Freezer Three
Frog read from his novel, Grace Under Fire, which featured a ferocious, misunderstood raccoon at a mall.

Howard Tayler - Grace Under Fire  Herb Leonhard - Grace Under Fire John Gray - Grace Under FireAnd S. Evan read from his novel, Hammer of Thor, which featured martial artist combat with magic.

Howard Tayler - Hammer of Thor Herb Leonhard - Hammer of Thor John Gray - Hammer of ThorI had my reading after that. I read Touch of Tides. Last year the room was almost empty, but this year it was half full! I really enjoy reading aloud for audiences.

For the evening's work, we had some lifestyle and adult themed panels, which were new to RadCon. My partner Roland joined me on both panels.

Sex At Dawn
The anthropology of non-monogamyThe first, Polyamory Revival, was a look at some of the history and anthropology of nonmonogamy and how it's coming back. Other panelists included Amanda Baldwin, Ari Goldstein, Jonathan Thomas, and Frog Jones. The room was absolutely packed. As in, people sitting on the floor, standing, and we were turning people away.

I really liked this format. Often these sorts of panels are 101 courses. Giving a subject to talk around still allowed us to disseminate basic information, but also gave the topic multiple dimensions. It made the topic matter. It also means that oddly, we never once used the term "primary" (a definition of a poly relationship which is the first or most important), which a Poly 101 panel certainly would have had. Just an interesting factoid.

The next panel was 50 Shades of Consent, which was technically supposed to be about how to write BDSM, but that was just an excuse. *grin* It was really more of a BDSM 101 panel, though because it was tied to the concept of literature, we did get to add that extra dimension of talking about how it is portrayed in books like 50 Shades of Grey. The panel was not quite as full, but even then, we did have people standing. Also on this panel were Amanda Baldwin, Ari Goldstein, and Frog Jones.

Saturday I spent at the NIWA table. It was pretty slow in the back of the small press room, but I sold a few copies of Emerald City Dreamer and the books of other members as well. I got to spend more time with some fellow NIWA members, which is great because they're mostly in Portland and I don't get to spend time with them. Specifically, I talked with Brad Wheeler, Tonya Macalino (who also writes urban fantasy), Kaye Thornbrugh (who also writes about fairies), Mike Chinakos, and Kami & Rory Miller, as well as other small press people like David Boop and Peter Wacks. Plus some people I'm sure I've forgotten.

I was originally dismayed at the potential spoon-cost of spending five straight hours at this table, but I'm so glad I did it. It also let me talk to readers, sign a couple of autographs, and run into old friends I used to know from the Tri-Cities where RadCon is held. The theme of this RadCon for me was "networking", and working in the small press room was a huge part of that.

At 8pm, I had another panel, Gender and Sexuality, with Roland Lindsey & Tamra Excell (I'm in relationships with both of them), Voss Foster, and Rhiannon Louve. We had a lively and participating audience, many of whom had reason to relate to various kinds of gender nonconformity. It was awesome to bring a beacon of validation to the Tri-Cities – I used to live there and know how isolating my old small town can be. We covered many gender-related topics, including trans issues and male/female gender roles and expectations in general. Since Facebook had just announced their 58 gender choices, it was a perfect way to talk about non-binary genders as well. And we skirted the edge of feminism and how male roles can be just as restrictive and confusing, especially for a modern generation of boys who are not given clear roles to follow. A broad topic, to be sure.

Saturday night was party night! The small press room had a party, so we started there. Then we party hopped and passed out private invites, until we went back to our room to prepare. Roland can really throw a great party, and he hosted a wonderful closed-door private shindig. He went all out with the snacks and cocktails. The bathtub was full of ice and beer and some nameless unconscious guy who is now missing a kidney. We attracted an all-star cast of wonderful people, GoHs, Pros, old friends, and new friends we'd made at the con. And really, really old friends I'd forgotten I'd known. Nineteen years at the same con will do that to me.

At some point, Roland and I did a small "dance" performance that involved music and rope. This is why private parties are the best. I was going to make a [REDACTED] joke, but I figure whatever you'd imagine would be far more risqué than what actually happened. Oh, except for the [REDACTED] part which actually did happen.. ;)

Sunday, I awoke bright and early to pack up my stuff and make it to the 11:15 panel in time: Getting Into the Mind of the Religious Fanatic for the purposes of writing. I was accompanied by DiAnne Berry, Rhiannon Louve, Elizabeth Guizzetti, and guy Letourneau. I talked about mind control and cognitive dissonance. We talked about the myths and "cardboard cutout" stereotypes of cult followers and leaders, and some of the realities and what it takes to make a believable zealot. It got a bit dark, talking about poverty culture, Jim Jones, and terrorists, and there were some differences of opinion on whether "fear" or "joy" are the main motivators of religious fanatics. (My conclusion is that it is both.) All in all a very stimulating panel.

Immediately after was my last panel, Writing Neurodiversity, with DiAnne Berry, Tamra Excell, Janet Freeman-Daily, S. Evan Townsend, and Peter Whacks. We were all immensely qualified, given our varied background as educators, parents, and relatives of neurodiverse people, and all of us neurodiverse ourselves. Perhaps the panel focused a little too much on autism as the main example, since it's the brain-flavor of the month (plus the one several of us were most familiar with). Other than that, we discussed many aspects of different brains and how to get beyond the stereotypes we see on TV. Included were discussions of learning differences (instead of learning disabilities) and how neurodiversity contributes to society.

I didn't really see much of the con other than these panels. Cosplay seemed A++, including Chamberlain, the skeksis from The Dark Crystal. Cosplayed by Ryan Wells. But I was busy and didn't chase him down to get a good look.

Photo by Cassandra SmithMany have commented on the low average age at RadCon, and that's because, in the Tri-Cities, it's the one geek party of the year. For me, living there, it was the one time I felt at "home". As my home con, it never fails to disappoint, but this year, lots of people who have never been to the area also seemed to enjoy it greatly. It hails itself as "The big con with a little con feel". That's exactly it. It's intimate. You meet people and see the same faces over and over, that don't get lost in the crowd. Yet there are still ~2000 people there along with tons of events and things to do.

If you've never been to RadCon, give it a shot next year. If I've done the math right, next year will be my 20th RadCon. And I'm ecstatic.

UPDATE: Fittingly, while I was gone, I received my print copy of Crossed Genres Magazine 2.0 Book Two Anthology. This was here waiting for me when I got home:


Support a great magazine by purchasing the anthology or subscribing to the magazine!

RadCon 6b Schedule

If you're in the Tri-Cities, WA (my hometown), come see me at RadCon this weekend! Their tagline is "The big con with the little con feel", and that's true.

I'm on many panels this weekend and am also manning the NIWA book-selling booth in the Small Press room.

Here is my schedule:

Friday: 

2pm – Indie Professionalism in Self-Publishing
2205
Do you have what it takes to be a successful indie? Selling your book to hundreds of readers requires more skill than selling it to a single editor (not less). Discussing professional behavior in networking, PR, and dealing with rejection.
With: Willich, Dameon      Thornbrugh, Kaye      Chinakos, Mike      Boop, David

4pm – Picture This!
Fan Suite
Everyone has a mental movie that plays as we read. Our writers bring bits of story to share for artists to sketch to.  Beginners and experts welcome!
With:  Jones, Peter     Sturgeon, Jeff     Townsend, S. Evan
          Tayler, Howard,    Gray III, John    Hall, Vandy      Leonhard, Herb

6:30pm – Reading "Touch of Tides" 2209

8pm – Polyamory Revival
2205
Polyamory is returning to mainstream consciousness with hit shows like “Polyamory: Married and Dating” on Showtime and feature stories in major news outlets. There are several misconceptions about polyamory, the first being that it is a “new” type of relationship model.  Learn how polyamory is from times of old, how agriculture and property ownership changed family dynamics, and how certain polyamory models are especially empowering for women. Enjoy the discussion, and walk away with suggested readings to further your knowledge on this fascinating subject.
With: Jones, Peter     Goldstein, Ari     Baldwin, Amanda  Thomas, Johnathan   Lindsey, Roland

9:15 – 50 Shades of Consent
2205
With the success of books like 50 Shades of Grey, more people than ever are reading about BDSM. But when writing about it, what are some misunderstandings or common errors to avoid? How can writers present it in ways that are safe, sane, and consensual?
With: Jones, Peter     Thomas, Johnathan     Baldwin, Amanda  Lindsey, Roland

Saturday:

11am-4pm – NIWA Booksales Booth - Small Press Room (2209?)
Emerald City Dreamer will be available for sale in print the whole weekend. Come during this time and get it signed!

8pm – Gender and Sexuality
Fan Suite
How do the gender roles society places on us affect our behavior and steer morality, self-esteem, even legal code? How about sexual preferences, gender identity and asexuality? Be prepared for a lively and open discussion!
With: Foster, Voss     Excell, Tamra     Lindsey, Roland   Louve, Rhiannon

Sunday:

11:15am – Getting into the mind of the Religious Fanatic
2203
Uber villain or bit player, what are they like? Are there any useful generalizations? Are they likely to be suicidal and does that depend on the religion or the person?
With:  Louve, Rhiannon     Guizzetti, Elizabeth  Letourneau, Guy

12:30pm – Writing Neurodiversity
2203
Creating neurodiverse characters with autism, Aspergers, ADHD, bipolar, OCD, and synesthesia, can give your writing new dimensions. Come learn the right way to represent these unique strengths and weaknesses.
With: Berry, DiAnne     Freeman-Daily, Janet     Townsend, S. Evan     Wacks, Peter

As you can see, it's a very busy con. Come see me!

Label Me, Illuminate Me

The label-debate rages on, and now that I know I have autism, I have firmly come down on one side: I am in favor of labels.

Labels can be used to dehumanize, to misconstrue, to overgeneralize, and to blind us to a person's humanity and individuality. As Wayne said, "If you label me, you negate me".

Preach it, Wayne.
Then party on.Actually, it was the philosopher Søren Kierkegaard who originally said this. "Butterflygirl" on Yahoo Answers summarized Kierkegaard thusly:

Once you label someone you cancel out their own individuality and replace it within the boundaries of that label, so their individually has been restricted within that label and therefore, for all those who accept that label for that person they have no longer accepted that person for who they really are but understand them only to the limit of that label.

And I know all too well from my research into mind control that loaded language combined with us vs. them techniques can indeed leverage labels to negate an individual and render her selfless. It can be used to dismiss external points of view. Labels can make a group insider feel benevolent and normal while demonizing outsiders as inhuman and evil.

Many people fairly point out that labels, particularly psychological labels, can divide people. Labels can become truth. We are all individuals, but dumping thousands or millions of people into the same bucket removes some sense of self. Being labeled in school can make kids a target of bullying, not just from other kids but from teachers as well. It can impose expectations in education and in the workplace and among peers. Labeling can trigger tribalism and hostility. When people are unfairly labeled, they end up filling the role others expect of them.

I've met people in person and read blog posts from people who hate all labels. Here's a dude summing up this line of thought:


These are certainly valid drawbacks, but like The Spork of Truth, it has four tines. Hm, no I need something else... Like the Spoon of Truth, it has two edges. The same aspects that make labels problematic also give labels power. And when your label has power, you have power.
Dexter and Dee Dee battle one another
for the right to label everything and then
[SPOILERS SPOILERS]They say, "If you meet one person with Asperger's, you've met just one person with Asperger's." This applies to everyone on the spectrum. We are all very unique individuals and our traits manifest in thousands of different ways – just like the colors in a rainbow. So the label seems perhaps limiting. Yet those of us with autism have more in common with one another than we do with allists (non-autists). Knowing that is useful.

I lived 38 years of my life without a label to accurately describe who I am. As a kid, a psychologist said I was "hyperactive", and in my 20s, I got an ADHD label from a psychiatrist. These labels helped my know myself a little, but were not accurate enough. All my other traits, which I now know were due to Asperger's, were just unique snowflake Luna oddness. Easily distracted, hyperfocused, shy, socially awkward, nerdy, impolite, smart, pedantic, pensive, weird, misunderstood, seemingly self-centered, anxious, difficult, distant... I projected these "personality traits" which, prior to last April, were merely marks of my individuality with no cause. In essence, all of my negative traits were "choices", bad things I did that I didn't understand, that I blamed myself for. Shortcomings with no solution. Without the label, people still perceived me as all those things. But I had no way to talk about it, and no way to understand. I beat myself up for not going out more, not talking at parties, not flirting, not being productive, for being lazy, for being depressed, for being scared, for forgetting birthdays and being inconsiderate and clumsy and absent-minded.

It's not the words that made me view myself this way. The words are just handles attached to concepts. I saw myself this way without words, because I naturally compared myself with others… Other people had it together and I never quite knew why I didn't.

The words didn't make the reality. They only filtered it. And they weren't filtering it very accurately.

The label allowed me to understand why. "Autism" is a label with definitions, entire books and websites and scientific studies devoted to defining what it means. It's a handle I can wrap my fingers around and manipulate. It's connected to a vast network of related thoughts by those who think about and study and share my autism. Now I can google this label and find others talking about it. Anyone affected by autism can share our thoughts and find others like ourselves. Without the label, all this would be impossible.

Moreover, I can tell those around me, "I have Asperger's", and that means something. It's not an excuse, it's a reason. It describes why I'm different. Many times people don't know what it means, or they have misconceptions, and the label itself gives me an opportunity to educate them. Now anyone who wants to understand me better has ahold of that same handle, and I can draw their attention to all the connections attached to the handle.
This is an actual font. Groovy.
Available from Smashing Hub.That's the power inherent in words, in all words. As a society, we've agreed upon the meaning of these words. Words allow us to think and share our thoughts with one another. In the dystopic novel, 1984, the goal of Big Brother was to eliminate words, reduce the language down to only those necessary for labor. Authorities knew that if no one had words like"Freedom" or "Rebellion", they could never imagine or communicate about those concepts. Orwell called this language Newspeak.

Those who wish to eliminate labels may have good intentions, but their wish expresses a nihilistic cynicism, and the resulting language would stifle thought, discussion, and mutual understanding.

Knowing I have autism helps me understand myself. And it's helped others understand me. Getting personal for a moment, my sister and I have been distant most of our lives. I never quite understood why, and neither did she. A few months ago, when I told her I had Asperger's, and explained to her what that meant to me, it opened whole new doors in our relationship. She revealed that all these years, my behavior confused her and that, among other things, I seemed self-centered. The new label gave us a way to talk about it, and an alternate explanation for my actions. My label gave us a pathway to get closer.

That's the thing. Yes, we are who we are, unique snowflakes. And we act how we act. But without taking on one label, people will give us another. Maybe the label isn't a word. Maybe it's just an image or feeling in their mind. They ascribe reasons and motivations for why we do what we do. People are going to think things about us anyway. Misunderstanding and hate is not the fault of the label. That's an oversimplification. Reality is more complex than that.

Labels give us a starting point to explore those assumptions and identify ways in which individuals differ from the stereotypes -- stereotypes that already exist, even without the labels.

Accurate labeling lets us be more in control of how other see us. That's part of what the coming out movement is. It is owning that label and maybe even proud of it. You think I'm gay? Yes, I'm gay. (Bisexual actually.) It's a label, and it's part of why I'm a unique snowflake, and now you can't rob me of that, because I wield the word for my own ends.

You think I'm weird? Yes, I'm weird. And I'm partly weird because I have Asperger's. Letting everyone know that helps them understand me more, not less. And if they still choose not to understand, well that's their problem. Not the label's problem.

I have embraced labels and now I advocate for them. If you feel mislabeled, then find labels that better describe you, give them a big hug, and offer them to others as replacements. Use them as a starting point for further discussion. Maybe it's hard to find labels for yourself. So invent new ones. The process of thinking about how to describe yourself is an opportunity for greater self-awareness and self-actualization. You are building a language for your own mind to use about itself.

And when you share those labels with others, maybe they'll accept your self-identification, and maybe they won't. But at least you have something to own, a handle to hold on to when the world knocks you around.

Let your labels illuminate you.