Scott Nagele's Blog, page 44

Give up your lost cause, Daddy

Pickett’s Charge was the crescendo of Gettysburg, the high water mark of the Confederacy. Thousands of men charged toward a strongly defended line. They reached that line and punctured it. At that moment, they must have felt the euphoria of hard-fought victory. Then, their charge ran out of steam. They were thrown back, battered and [...]

Congratulations, it’s an abstinence zealot!

Monday morning, 3 a. m. Daddy is gently awakened by Mommy whispering into his ear. It sounds like she is saying, “I’m welding a metal Titanic.” Daddy tries to shake off his sleep. “Huh?” he whispers. “I’m feeling a little romantic,” Mommy repeats. Daddy is tired. He has to go to work in the morning [...]

You work for me now

My wife is utterly devoted to our children. She does whatever it takes to see to it that their young lives are full and happy. This is a wonderful thing to see, and it warms my heart. It also makes it such a shame that this is the woman with whom I have to compete [...]

Got them low-down, no-good, bottle-feeding blues

Both times we’ve had a new baby in our family, my wife has taken pains to prepare me for the first time I would be left to care for him. “Are you ready to handle him all by yourself?” she asked, as if she thought I was afraid of him. I think a lot of [...]

Killing me softly with yogurt

As a rule, I avoid the ladies (and occasional gentlemen) who hand out samples in the grocery store. My wife likes to see what they have to offer, but I don’t even like to make eye contact with them. One summer during college, I worked in a grocery store, often behind the bottle return counter. [...]

Where are your boob holes when you need them?

If you are like me, you probably think that all hospital gowns are pretty much the same. That just goes to show how wrong it is to be like me. You should try very hard not to do it anymore. In the maternity ward, they have a special gown, just for mom, with holes cut [...]

Dispatches from the Delivery Room, Part 2: Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Labor Pain

Watching your wife go through labor is kind of like seeing the one you love turn into a werewolf. There is nothing you can do to stop the transformation; your wife possesses decreasing cognition of why she shouldn’t tear you apart; and the townspeople agree that you are not to be trusted to make the [...]

Dispatches from the Delivery Room, Part 1: It’s a Madhouse!

I’ve heard it said that there is a special provision of nature that allows a mother to forget the pain of childbirth. Without this special indulgence, it might be hard to imagine any family containing more than a single child. I have my own name for this natural phenomenon. I call it insanity. Unfortunately, there [...]

Conversations with my wife: Royal Deodorant

Wife: You know our William and Kate? Me: Our William and Kate? Wife: The Duke and Duchess of Cambridge. Me: Oooooh. Our William and Kate! Yes, of course. Wife: Do you think they make a special, stronger deodorant for them? Me: Why? Wife: They do a lot of formal events. You know how when you [...]

Quit making me laugh; I’m trying to be mad at you!

My son has reached the age when he wears his emotions on his sleeve. It’s not that he can’t control his emotions, or hide them if he wanted to, he just wants to make sure Mommy and Daddy notice the terrible effects that their horribly unfair actions are wreaking upon his tender psyche. He turns [...]