Ursula Vernon's Blog, page 9
June 11, 2016
Archives of the Ahistorical Society: Bricklayer’s Arch
Filed under “Probably Benign But That Isn’t To Say It Couldn’t Kill Us All Horribly In Our Sleep Someday.”
Transcript of post-it notes, memos, and one memorable in-office discussion provided by Intern Brittany, who does not get paid for this, by the way, and yes, I know the economy has more or less collapsed to a barter system but an IOU would be nice from time to time, maybe?
Sid, explain this!
Right, so it’s just this set of arches hanging out in the middle of the field. And according to this old-timer who lives nearby, this was built by a bricklayer who’s wife died, and he built a portal to the next world to try to see her again. Except his wife–the old-timer’s, not the bricklayer–said that the bricklayer never married and hated people and was trying to build a portal to get away from seeing anybody ever again. Anyway, the point is it didn’t really work very well. – Sid
About the ducks….
I mean, you can walk right through it. It doesn’t go anywhere. Nothing happens unless you’re a duck. – Sid
You walked through it?
I was bored and it was hot. Also, not a duck. – Sid
With the understanding that I already regret asking, what about the ducks?
Ducks vanish. But then they come back, sort of. – Sid
Sort of, you say.
Well, they don’t have organs. – Sid
So the ducks come back dead?
No, that’s the alarming thing. The ducks eventually show up again and they’re just sort of solid all the way through. They act normal. I mean, insomuch as ducks act like anything. Ducks are just kinda ducks. But they don’t speak in tongues or anything. Marla is totally weirded out. – Sid
I assume you dissected a duck to find this out.
Sort of. – Sid.
Oh Jesus.
We were standing there looking at it and a bunch of ducks suddenly came out of the opening and Marla panicked and hit one with a tennis racket. – Sid
This is not proper scientific protocol.
It was what we had. – Sid
In the interests of not having my blood pressure rise any further, we will assume that you had a perfectly good reason for carrying a tennis racket, which you do not need to explain. Ever. So she hit the duck with a tennis racket.
Right, and then we had this dead duck and the guy we had been talking to was all “Are you gonna eat that?” and Marla was all “Don’t eat things that appear out of thin air.” – Sid
Sound advice. Yes. Good for Marla.
So anyway we looked at the duck, and it was not from around here if you know what I mean. – Sid
How so?
Well, it had extra wiggly bits under the wings. – Sid
Wiggly bits. Of course it did.
But it was mostly a duck. Anyway, you know how Marla is about things with wiggly bits, so she ran over it with the truck. – Sid
Marla never liked the wiggly ones.
And that’s when we found out that the whole duck was basically made of…I dunno, Spam or something. Undifferentiated pink stuff. I wanted to put some in a jar to bring home, but Marla was all “burn it with fire, we have to burn it all” and you know how she gets. Also, she had the keys to the truck. – Sid
Good woman. Yes.
report filed June, 15 PD also by Brittany.
June 9, 2016
6-10-16 Journal
You don’t wanna see the evil noseless clown doll that was at the flea market.
Bride of Son of Bride of Fake Book Cover: Round #7
I have all these photos of a wicker maze built locally, and it’s a really striking construction and there is virtually no way that it doesn’t end in serial killers, so I wanted to fiddle with book cover design using the photos. I have not written this book and have no immediate plans to.
I dunno about the middle font. It may be too lighthearted. You know when people build giant mazes out of wicker that somebody’s gonna die.
*INSERT NOT THE BEES JOKE HERE*
Thoughts welcome! I’m not sure about this one, though it does read pretty well at teeny size, if you ask me.
June 8, 2016
6-08-16 Journal
I can’t quite express how wild the oakleaf hydrangea is right now. It has these big loose cones of flowers, but the inside of the cones are clouds of stamens dripping pollen. Honeybees are swarming all over them, rolling around in it, covered in yellow. There’s a few flower beetles and so forth, but I think our neighbor’s entire hive of honeybees is here.
June 7, 2016
Black Fox Coffee
Fooling around with Art Deco-ish kinda stuff. Prints will be available at Anthrocon!
June 2, 2016
Ahistorical Society: Archive Entry With Transcript, Refiled
Image located in the file “Horribly Dangerous.” Following discussion (see transcript) it was refiled under “Sid’s Crap.”
The large stack of post-it notes and written correspondence that accumulated on this image made filing unwieldy. Transcript provided. Where chronological order could not be determined, best guess made by Intern Brittany, which would be easier if more people wrote their name on their notes.
Sid, what is this?
Horrible creepy kid statue, obvs. -Sid
Why is it in this file?
Look at it! You know it eats people or moves at night or giggles or something. -Sid
Do you have proof?
I actually agree with Sid on this one
Your opinion is noted. I repeat, Sid, do you have any proof?
Did you look at it? -Sid
The world is full of creepy statues. They don’t all eat people.
Most of them do. -Sid
No, they don’t.
Do so. – Sid
Can we have Marla smash it anyway?
Marla says she didn’t spend twenty years get pepper sprayed on the picket lines to go around destroying lawn ornaments.
–Break in correspondance. Accompanying stains indicate someone spilled tea and mopped it up with notes–
Well, something ate the Brogans. – Sid
Unless you can prove it was this statue, you have to file the photo somewhere else.
Fine. When this thing is writing “Hide and Seek” on the wall in our guts, just remember I told you so. – Sid
That threat was really effective the first five hundred times.
I still think we should smash it.
Transcript of notes prepared by Intern Brittany, June, 15pd, filed accordingly.
June 1, 2016
Archive Entry
Image found in a file folder in the historical society archives, under “Miscellaneous.” Other items filed under “Miscellaneous” include numerous manuals for appliances, somebody’s tax return (you know who you are), an extremely moldy grilled cheese sandwich and a birdhouse completely covered in duct tape.
The birdhouse was removed and filed more safely. The sandwich was thrown away.
May 31, 2016
The Problem of Houses
When their humans left, the houses were left to fend for themselves. Most sank into a state perhaps analogous to a coma, uncaring of what became of them or of what wildlife nested in their eaves.
Some houses attempted to attract or entrap more residents. These were for the most part easily avoided. Mourning dove carcasses would pile up inside the front door, and any explorer who ignored a large stack of dead birds was considered to deserve whatever happened to them.
A few, enraged at their abandonment, became frankly dangerous and had to be burned. In those cases, even the remains of foundations were believed have an unpleasant effect upon the sensitive.
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May 30, 2016
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