Rob Bignell's Blog, page 18

The desire to write grows with writing. ��� Desiderius Erasmus Roterodamus

Professional Book Editor: Having your novel, short story or nonfiction manuscript proofread or edited before submitting it can prove invaluable. In an era where you face heavy competition, your writing needs a second eye to give you the edge. I can provide that second eye.


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Avoid small talk in your story's dialogue

In the real world, people frequently use small talk as a courtesy to others or to fill moments of awkward silence. We���ve all done it before ��� ���How���s the weather there?��� ��� ���How are the kids?��� ��� ���How���s work going?��� Most of the time, we really don���t expect more than a trivial answer; we���re just trying to be kind.

There���s little room in a novel or a short story for small talk, though. Small talk doesn���t move the story forward, as it rarely ever shows a character attempting to achieve a goal. Because of that, small talk makes for mind-numbingly dull writing.

Consider the following dialogue:

���Hi Mary, how are you doing?���

���Just fine, thank you. And you?���

���Same old same old. How are the kids?���

���Doing great. Kaitlyn is playing T-ball this summer.���

���Oh fun! Bet that keeps you busy.���

���Yep. And how���s Timmy?���

���Still playing soccer.���

���Well, I best be going. Nice seeing you again.���

���Nice seeing you too. Bye!���

Ugh. Sure, the dialogue sounds realistic, but your story isn���t about copying life as we live it but about helping the reader either understand or escape life in an entertaining way.

Incorporating small talk into your story

Small talk can appear in a story, of course, but it ought to be for a good reason. For example, it could be used to indicate a character���s nervousness or their shallowness.

Keep these exchanges brief, however ��� and when doing so opt to show these personality traits in a character.

For example, look for the small talk in this passage involving two teenagers on the beach:

His face brightened when he saw me. I���m sure mine did too.

���Hey Laura,��� he said. ���Your bikini looks great.���

Damn right it did. The new two-piece nicely showed my trim waist, and the halter top left just enough to the imagination.

And then my mind froze up. I shifted my feet in the sand. ���How���s your summer going?���

He shrugged. An awkward silence filled the space between us.

���Hey, wanna get a shaved ice?��� he said.

Laura uses small talk ��� ���How���s your summer going?��� ��� so the author can indicate her nervousness. More importantly, the author shows her nervousness with And then my mind froze up. I shifted my feet in the sand. The small talk dialogue is brief rather than carried on for several sentences. The reader understands the boy also is nervous when he shrugs and says nothing for a long moment.

Greetings and goodbyes

Like small talk, courtesies such as ���Hello��� and ���Goodbye��� almost always are unnecessary in fiction.

With greetings, cut right to the action. In the previous passage, the boy didn���t say ���Hey Laura! How are you?��� followed with Laura saying, ���Oh hi Jason. Great to see you again!��� Instead we jump right into the action with the boy complimenting her bikini, indicating he���s attracted to her.  

A good way to handle greetings is to show how a character enters the scene. This reveals the characters��� intent. For example, the teen beach passage might have started with Jason ran up to me. This shows he���s excited to see her.

Rather than say ���Bye!��� at the end of a passage of dialogue, instead end on a more dramatic note that shows the possibility of where the plot might be going or of some potential tension between the characters. That keeps the story moving forward much more effectively than a ���Goodbye.���

Answering-the-phone clich��

This small talk clich�� consists of detailing all the trivial steps and dialogue that goes into answering a phone call. For example:

John���s cell phone rang. He pulled it out of his pocket, hit the phone icon. ���John here.���

���Hi John, it���s Mary.���

���How are you, Mary?���

���Good.��� There was a long pause.

���Good but���?���

���My car broke down again.���

John rolled his eyes.

There���s a lot of dull stuff in that passage that merely shows how John answered the phone and the courteous greetings that come with it. While the passage may be true to life, including those details isn���t necessary in a story. They leave the story with a null that serves no purpose ��� they don���t ramp up the tension, they don���t reveal a character���s motivations, and they don���t set the mood.

Instead, the passage could be trimmed to read:

John���s cell phone rang.

���My car broke down again.���

Mary. John rolled his eyes.

The short version dispenses with the blow-by-blow action and the pleasantries of answering the phone, keeping the story rolling.

Professional Book Editor: Having your novel, short story or nonfiction manuscript proofread or edited before submitting it can prove invaluable. In an era where you face heavy competition, your writing needs a second eye to give you the edge. I can provide that second eye.

Podcast: When to Promote Your Book on X (Twitter)

Professional Book Editor: Having your novel, short story or nonfiction manuscript proofread or edited before submitting it can prove invaluable. In an era where you face heavy competition, your writing needs a second eye to give you the edge. I can provide that second eye.

Podcast: Establish Story���s Point of View in Opening Lines

Professional Book Editor: Having your novel, short story or nonfiction manuscript proofread or edited before submitting it can prove invaluable. In an era where you face heavy competition, your writing needs a second eye to give you the edge. I can provide that second eye.

Podcast: Avoid Vague Pronoun Reference in Your Writing

Professional Book Editor: Having your novel, short story or nonfiction manuscript proofread or edited before submitting it can prove invaluable. In an era where you face heavy competition, your writing needs a second eye to give you the edge. I can provide that second eye.

Second person: Make your reader the protagonist

One rare point of view that you might consider using is second person. In this point of view, the reader becomes the protagonist and decides how the story will turn out. Authors typically use words like ���you��� and ���your��� in such tales.

If you���ve ever read a choose your own adventure story, listened to song lyrics in which the singer seems to be addressing you, or played a video game, you���ve encountered second person point of view. Sometimes in plays and movies, actors will break the ���fourth wall��� and directly address the audience, which is briefly using second person in scriptwriting; it occurs in both William Shakespeare���s In A Midsummer Night���s Dream and in Ferris Bueller���s Day Off.

For novels and short stories, here���s a passage written in second person:

Maybe you���ve heard of us, LoveNow. You���re not the first to say no, even though you can find us on GooglePlay and the App Store. We owe our success to this elderly couple ��� not even our target customer ��� who met on our app and got married. The national TV coverage almost broke our computer server with all of the new subscribers. You saw that news story, didn���t you?

Now compare it to the same passage, rewritten in first person:

LoveNow is a little known company, even though we can be found on GooglePlay and the App Store. We owe our success to this elderly couple ��� not even our target customer ��� who met on our app and got married. The national TV coverage almost broke our computer server with all of the new subscribers. Everyone saw the news story.

This point of view offers a lot of advantages. First, it instantly draws the reader into the story���s action. That���s because the reader is deciding what will occur next in the tale ��� go to page 23 or 26, turn off the radio and forget the singer���s sappy plea for love, or which type of ammunition to load and which monster to fire it at. Secondly, this point of view makes the story personal, so the reader tends to invest more into it. That���s vital in a low quality tale like a choose your own adventure or a song with lame imagery and rhymes, as you probably wouldn���t settle for such a story or lyric told in another point of view. Third, when done well, this point of view surprises the reader. Readers aren���t expecting a book to be written in second person, so there���s an element of delight, such as when the book is a character addressing them.  

A number of great books have been written in second person. Among them is the bestseller Bright Lights, Big City by Jay Mclnerney, The Fifth Season by N.K. Jemison, and the children���s classic The Monster at the End of This Book.

Of course, there are some major disadvantages to second person, so be wary of using it. Most importantly, novice writers often use it to cover poor writing. For the reader, it���s sort of like the author stirred a lot of cream and sugar into a cup of coffee; that, however, can only go so far in covering the bad taste of an inferior coffee. Readers eventually will see through you. Secondly, this point of view can come off as gimmicky. Readers don���t expect second person, so they often think the author is trying too hard to be clever. Even if readers are wrong, they���ll likely believe the author favors style over substance, as that is the case with so many stories told in second person. Finally, second person usually is not what a reader wants, which is a tale where an interesting main character overcomes a difficult problem. Literature ��� even the deep stuff taught in English literature classes ��� offers a chance to escape one���s reality and vicariously live the life of another albeit fictional person. Readers want to join Sherlock Holmes, Harry Potter or Elizabeth Bennet on an adventure, not themselves.

Professional Book Editor: Having your novel, short story or nonfiction manuscript proofread or edited before submitting it can prove invaluable. In an era where you face heavy competition, your writing needs a second eye to give you the edge. I can provide that second eye.

Interesting dialogue moves your story forward

When writing fiction, every sentence should move the story forward. To do that, characters must work toward achieving their goals. Your story then is about how well they accomplish their goals. For much of the story, they���ll fail to achieve their goals, either because of their own personal flaws or because they���ve been thwarted by a character who has other objectives.

Often the reason dialogue is flat and dull is because it���s not fulfilling this storytelling requirement. Such dialogue is filler and often pointless.

Consider this passage:

Barging inside his room, there was Ross, laying on the bed in just an undershirt and boxers, eyes wide open and breathing.

���Hi Mia,��� he said.

���Hi Ross.���

���Have you been outside yet?���

���Just briefly.���

���What���s the weather like?���

Though the opening paragraph sets up a suspenseful situation, the dialogue that follows undercuts it. The dialogue instead should continue showing Mia trying to achieve the goal that caused her to barge into the room. Ross���s dialogue should show why he���s still on his bed.

Now look at how it has been revised to focus on the characters��� motivations:

Barging inside his room, there was Ross, laying on the bed in just an undershirt and boxers, eyes wide open and breathing.

���What���re you doing?��� I said, pulling his suit from the closet hanger and bringing it over to the bed.

���I can���t go, Mia.���

���Are you ill? Maybe we can resched������  

���No, I mean I can���t go.���

Tightening dialogue so it shows a character���s motivations often involves inferring their thoughts and feelings while withholding information from the reader. Consider this poorly written dialogue, which doesn���t do either:

For the past seven hours, I���d been on my feet, talking nonstop about our app with every tech geek and potential investor who who stopped at our booth. Terrell was an hour late for his shift. Every text I sent him got the same response: On my way.

Then my phone rang. I glanced at the screen. Terrell. I excused myself, walked to the back of the booth.

���Terrell, I���m really mad at you. Where are you?���

���Mia, I spent the night with some girl from a tech company that has a competing app. While I was sleeping, she took all of my clothes and left the room.���

���What? I have a responsibility, Terrell. I can���t leave the booth unattended!���

���Could you please bring my duffel to Room 1202.���

���Look Terrell, I care about you and want to help. But I can���t just close the booth.��� I glanced at the crowd growing around the booth.

���Please Mia ��� I need your help.���

Now look at how it has been tightened:

For the past seven hours, I���d been on my feet, talking nonstop about our app with every tech geek and potential investor who stopped at our booth. Terrell was an hour late for his shift. Every text I sent him got the same response: On my way.

Then my phone rang. I glanced at the screen. Terrell. I excused myself, walked to the back of the booth.

���Terrell, where are you?���

���Mia, you���ve got to come and get me.���

���I can���t leave the booth!���

���Bring my duffel. I���m in Room 1202.���

���What the hell is going on, Terrell?��� I glanced at the crowd growing around the booth.

���Please Mia ��� I need your help.���

The dialogue in the second passage infers Mia���s thoughts and feelings. The reader can tell she���s angry at Terrell, that she is responsible, and that she also cares about her colleague. The first passage, rather than infer, states it. Stating instead of inferring, however, is exposition, which keeps the story from moving forward.

In addition, dialogue ought to create suspense. It can do that by withholding information from the reader. The first passage fails at this, because Terrell tells why he���s in trouble. In the second passage, Mia ��� and hence the reader ��� doesn���t know why Terrell needs help, and so that keeps us wondering (and reading!) as well.

Need an Editor? Having your novel, short story or nonfiction manuscript proofread or edited before submitting it can prove invaluable. In an era where you face heavy competition, your writing needs a second eye to give you the edge. I can provide that second eye.

The act of putting pen to paper encourages pause for thought, this in turn makes us think more deeply about life, which helps us regain our equilibrium. ��� Norbet Platt

Professional Book Editor: Having your novel, short story or nonfiction manuscript proofread or edited before submitting it can prove invaluable. In an era where you face heavy competition, your writing needs a second eye to give you the edge. I can provide that second eye.


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Podcast: Avoid Answering-the-phone clich�� in Your Story

Professional Book Editor: Having your novel, short story or nonfiction manuscript proofread or edited before submitting it can prove invaluable. In an era where you face heavy competition, your writing needs a second eye to give you the edge. I can provide that second eye.

Tell the readers a story! Because without a story, you are merely using words to prove you can string them together in logical sentences. ��� Anne McCaffrey

Professional Book Editor: Having your novel, short story or nonfiction manuscript proofread or edited before submitting it can prove invaluable. In an era where you face heavy competition, your writing needs a second eye to give you the edge. I can provide that second eye.


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