Jad Wolf's Blog, page 3

Go Norway!

One dark night outside a small town in Minnesota, a fire started inside the local chemical plant and in a blink of an eye it exploded into massive flames. The alarm went out to all the fire departments for miles around.

When the volunteer fire fighters appeared on the scene, the chemical company president rushed to the fire chief and said, "All our secret formulas are in the vault in the center of the plant. They must be saved. I will give $50,000 to the fire department that brings them out intact."

But the roaring flames held the firefighters off.

Soon more fire departments had to be called in as the situation became desperate. As the firemen arrived, the president shouted out that the offer was now $100,000 to the fire department who could bring out the company's secret files.

From the distance, a lone siren was heard as another fire truck came into sight. It was the nearby Norwegian rural township volunteer fire company composed mainly of Norwegians over the age of 65. To everyone's amazement, that little run-down fire engine roared right past all the newer sleek engines that were parked outside the plant.

Without even slowing down it drove straight into the middle of the inferno.. Outside, the other firemen watched as the Norwegian old timers jumped off right in the middle of the fire fought it back on all sides. It was a performance and effort never seen before.

Within a short time, the Norske old timers had extinguished the fire and had saved the secret formulas. The grateful chemical company president announced that for such a superhuman feat he was upping the reward to $200,000, and walked over to personally thank each of the brave fire fighters.

The local TV news reporter rushed in to capture the event on film, asking their chief, "What are you going to do with all that money?"

"Vell," said Ole Larsen, the 70-year-old fire chief, "Da first thing ve gonna do is fix da brakes on dat focking truck!"

 

Groundhog Day!

In the coming year, 2012, both Groundhog Day and The State of the Union Address will occur on the same day.

This is an ironic juxtaposition of events.

One involves a meaningless ritual in which we look to an insignificant creature of little intelligence for prognostication.

The other involves a groundhog.

Panhandle!

It's a slow day in the small town of Pumphandle and the streets are deserted.  Times are tough, everybody is in debt, and everybody is living  on credit.

A tourist visiting the area drives through town, stops at the motel, and lays a $100 bill on the desk saying he wants to inspect the rooms upstairs to pick one for the night.

As soon as he walks upstairs, the motel owner grabs the bill and runs next door to pay his debt to the butcher.

(Stay with this…..and pay attention)   

The butcher takes the $100 and runs down the street to retire his debt to the pig farmer.

The pig farmer takes the $100 and heads off to pay his bill to his supplier, the Co-op.

The guy at the Co-op takes the $100 and runs to pay his debt to the local  prostitute, who has also been facing hard times and has had to offer her "services" on credit.

The hooker rushes to the hotel and pays off her room bill with the hotel  Owner.

(Almost done…keep reading)   

The hotel proprietor then places the $100 back on the counter so the traveler will not suspect anything.   

At that moment the traveler comes down the stairs, states that the rooms are not satisfactory, picks up the $100 bill and leaves.

No one produced anything.  No one earned anything.  However, the whole town now thinks that they are out of debt and there is a false atmosphere of optimism and glee.

And that, my friends, is how a "stimulus package" works!

Inner Peace!

I'm passing this on because it worked for me today.  A doctor on TV said that to have inner peace we should always finish things we start and that we all could use more calm in our lives.

I looked around my house to find things I'd started and hadn't finished.  So I finished off a bottle of Merlot, a bottle of Chardonnay, a bodle of Baileys, a butle of wum, tha mainder of Valiuminun prscriptuns, an a box a chocletz. Yu haf no idr how fablus I feel rite now.

Sned this to all who need inner piss.

Merry Christmas…Alaska style! :)

Tom had been in Police work for 25 years.  Finally sick of the stress, he quits his job and buys 50 acres of land in Alaska as far from humanity as possible.He sees the postman once a week and gets groceries once a month. Otherwise, it's total peace and quiet.

After six months or so of almost total isolation, someone knocks on his door. He opens it and a huge, bearded man is standing there.

'Name's Cliff, your neighbor from forty miles up the road.  Having a Christmas party Friday night. Thought you might like to come at about 5:00.'

'Great', says Tom, 'after six months out here I'm ready to meet some local folks Thank you.'

As Cliff is leaving, he stops. 'Gotta warn you.  Be some drinking'.'

'Not a problem' says Tom. 'After 25 years in the business, I can drink with the best of 'em'.

Again, the big man starts to leave and stops.  'More 'n' likely gonna be some fighting' too.'

'Well, I get along with people, I'll be all right!  I'll be there.  Thanks again.'

'More 'n likely be some wild sex, too,'

'Now that's really not a problem' says Tom, warming to the idea.  'I've been all alone for six months! I'll definitely be there. By the way, what should I wear?'

'Don't much matter.  Just gonna be the two of us.'































  

Happy Ending!

An old prospector shuffled into the town of El Indio, Texas leading a tired old mule. The old

man headed straight for the only saloon in town, to clear his parched

throat.



He walked up to the saloon

and tied his old mule to the hitch rail.



As he stood there,

brushing some of the dust from his face and clothes, a young gunslinger stepped

out of the saloon with a gun in one hand and a bottle of whiskey in the

other.

The young gunslinger looked at the old man and laughed, saying,

"Hey old man, can you dance?"

The old man looked up at the gunslinger and

said, "No son, I don't dance… never really wanted to."

A crowd had

gathered as the gunslinger grinned and said, "Well, you old fool, you're gonna

dance now!" and started shooting at the old man's feet.

The old

prospector, not wanting to get a toe blown off, started hopping around like a

flea on a hot skillet.

Everybody standing around was

laughing.

When his last bullet had been fired, the young

gunslinger, still laughing, holstered his gun and turned around to go back into

the saloon.

The old man turned to his pack mule, pulled out a

double-barreled 12 gauge shotgun and cocked both hammers.

The loud

clicks carried clearly through the desert air. The crowd stopped laughing

immediately.

The young gunslinger heard the sounds too, and he turned

around very slowly.

The silence was deafening. The crowd watched as the

young gunman stared at the old timer and the large gaping holes of those twin

12 gauge barrels.

The barrels

of the shotgun never wavered in the old man's hands, as he quietly

said;

"Son, have you ever kissed a mule's ass?"

The gunslinger

swallowed hard and said, "No sir… but…but I've always wanted

to."

There are a few lessons for all of us

here:

* Don't be

arrogant.

* Don't waste

ammunition.

* Whiskey makes you think you're

smarter than you are.

* Always make sure you know who is in

control.

* And finally, don't screw around

with old folks; they didn't

get old by being stupid.

I just love a

story with a happy ending, don't you?

I like this one too!

I used to have a chocolate lab and i now have a black lab.  i never had a yellow lab or a Meth lab.  I don't want a meth lab but i think a yellow lab would be okay! !

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I like this one!

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I remember the day!

Funny strange.  not funny haha.  last nite before i went to bed i felt a pain about where i imagine my liver must be.  I remember the day.  October 12, 2011.  The first time i had a pain where i imagine my liver must be.  I looked in the mirror and my skin was not yellow nor were the whites of my eyes.  I drank three martinis tuesday nite.  i wonder.

I unblocked her!

See…"i blocked her!"

After much thought and consideration, i have unblocked this lady.  I doubt she even knows that i blocked her in the first place but even as i thought i was treated unfairly, i now realize that i was treating her unfairly as well.  She can be no other than what she is just as i can be no other than what i am.  While some might say we are as oil and water, i say we are more as an extra virgin olive oil and a fine basalmic vinegar…a combination that  in this case rarely seen in the past and probably never to be seen in the future, when delicately combined will add health and vigor to any communion. Have a great day, y'all!

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