T.L. Gray's Blog, page 8

A Proactive Vs a Reactive Life

Regardless of any faith, there are some fundamental truths in the universe that help us succeed as we maneuver through life.  We only get one life (well, unless you believe in reincarnation).  We only get a small measure of time while we occupy some space on this big blue planet. We have to share that space with about 7 billion other people, animals, and other forms of life, but we only have one drop in the bucket of eternity to do something with the life we’ve been given. I’ve already been here forty-seven years and I’ve a learned a few things in my short time.  However, there is still so much to know. I often seek the wisdom of those who’ve come before, as I try to enjoy the present, to leave a legacy for future inhabitants. One of those bits of wisdom …its wiser to set a plan, count the costs, and then work toward a goal to achieve success – be proactive, than it is to live life by the seat of your pants dodging everything life throws at us  - being reactive.Maybe it’s just because I’m an A-type personality that deceives herself into believing she has somewhat control over her life.  While, I am well aware that LIFE will always throw things at us that we didn’t see, didn’t plan, or happen to us beyond our control, I believe with my whole heart we have complete control over how we respond and allow those surprises or offenses to affect us. I believe in a higher power that I can’t even begin to understand with the limited knowledge and wisdom I possess, but I have faith nonetheless that Power within me and through me also affects me in many ways. But in everything else …my failure or success is ALL within my power, and responsibility of that failure or success lay with me - the buck stops here. Proactive is taking responsibility. Reactive is making excuses.In my experience, I’ve obtained many, many successes.  None of them were just given to me. None of them came free.  ALL of them costs me time, energy, money, focus, and sacrifice to make them happen.  ALL of them. I was proactive. My failures in life also have a re-occurring trait, they were things I ‘reacted’ to either financially, physically, or emotionally. They were decisions made without planning, thought, or were even contrary to what I knew was right, productive, or beneficial.  They were ignorant decisions made in the heat of the moment, because I desired them, wanted them, or ignored the warning bells to have them.  I was reactive.   

If we build without planning, then plan to build again, and again, and again, following failure, after failure, after failure, reacting to every change in the wind. Till next time,~T.L. Gray

First Steps

No matter what struggle or difficulty or achievement or success we find ourselves, whether it’s physical, emotional, or spiritual, we are not stationary in our positions.  ALL life is fluid.  Everything is always moving, changing, and transforming.  Even within our bodies, we are constantly evolving.  Our feelings change. Our ideas change. Our faith changes.  Our knowledge changes. We are born. We live. We die.  In the midst of that journey, based on our understanding and observation we make decisions that effect that life. Some good. Some bad. Some really good and some really bad. Regardless of the state – it won’t remain in that state for long. Going through a huge heartbreak and recent death, I have felt many times that it’s too much for me, that I can’t even breathe.  The world I imagined, I had hoped for, and I had loved with my whole heart crumbled around me. I saw the destruction coming, I felt the change in the wind, and I noticed the warning signs long before the walls fell. And I fought like hell to stop them, but I was powerless. For me, the reasons why were not good enough to justify the pain. But the pain came anyway. The storm came and blew against the walls, and the house fell.  All life is fluid.  The storm has passed. Now comes the calm. At times I thought the storm would kill me, and sweep me away with its waves into the abyss, but I survived. I’m standing in the middle of the destruction, but I’m still standing.  Nothing is recognizable around me, except me.  I’m still here. I’m battered, bruised, but I’m standing. My life has changed from what it was, to what it is, and will change again to what it will be …to change even beyond.I still see the storm raging in the distance.  I still feel the wind blowing. I still see dark clouds hovering, the lightning striking, and the waves beating against the shore. The storm still exists.  It didn’t fade and its winds are still causing destruction, but it’s moved on from me. I’m not part of it anymore.  I can’t save those within it, but I pray they survive. I pray they get out of the storm, but the only way out requires a first step – as with every program and every faith that exists in this world, the road to recovery, to escape, and to freedom is - acceptance.  The moment I accepted I was powerless to change anything, that I could see the truth of my situation, my life, and my circumstances as they were -  instead of struggling to hold tight to my hope of what had been and what could be, that’s when the storm finally swept me away. We can’t move forward in our life without acceptance.  We can’t change in ANY positive or good way without the acceptance of the truth. We can lie to ourselves and continue to circle the same issues over and over and over and over again – deceiving ourselves into thinking we can change things, or that WE are in control, but that keeps us bound to our destruction, bound to our pain, bound to chains that weigh us down, making us addicts to our own destruction.  Just as an addict or someone involved in destructive behavior will not, nor cannot, change their behavior until they first accept the truth about themselves.  No matter how much we hope for them, plead with them, try to reason with them – they cannot hear ANYTHING until they accept the truth.  Until then, it is a vicious cycle – over and over and over and over and over – some NEVER overcome.  Healing will NEVER come until acceptance. That is the first step.  In faith – acceptance of who we are and that we are not in control of the universe around us, but that there is a higher power – is the first step.  I took my first step. I accepted. I am surviving. Till next time,~T.L. Gray

STAND UP

I may not wear a cape, be bullet-proof, or able to leap tall buildings in a single bound, but I do defend the weak and put myself in harm’s way to protect others, and that includes protecting myself. I stand up for truth. I stand up to bullies. Does it ever cost me? Yes, many, many, many times.  But, I won’t stop because it’s part of a moral code by which I live. (Yes, I’ve been watching a lot of Dexter later and I too have a code and a Dark Passenger – it may not be to kill serial killers (blood makes me nauseous), but it’s called PTSD and is triggered when danger or bullying is present. It’s THE reason I changed my college major from Early Childhood Education to Business. After doing an internship for a local elementary school, I realized I couldn’t be a teacher, which I was really good, because I knew I would end up in jail if I remained in that profession. I’d go home most evening in tears because I had recognized the signs of abuse and neglect, or lack of discipline which is also another form of abuse and neglect. That internship made me realize I had an elevated level of expectation for parents, and while I saw MANY great parents, I also saw the piece-of-shit scumbags who called themselves parents but were no more than spoiled-ass-selfish bullies walking around in the skins of adults. So, I admire teachers today that are able to handle that knowledge and not allow it to affect them. They are one of my greatest superheroes.
Yes, I’m judgmental.  I don’t care about your faith, your sexual orientation, your skin-color, your genetics, your linage, your social status, your education level, your achievements, your bank balance, or anything you own or don’t own. That’s your business, and I love and care for you as a human being.  BUT, as a human being, I do mind how you treat others and the world in which we all live. Parents – I hold the most judgement and expectations. Parents have the responsibility to care, protect, and TEACH their children what is right.  It is human nature to be selfish and destructive.  Yet, our main responsibility as a parent isn’t just to provide food, clothing and shelter.  Those are the least of our responsibilities. It is to teach our children to think beyond themselves, to be kind, to be compassionate, and to become a productive member of the society in which we all live. It is our responsibility to teach them to be responsible, thoughtful, and self-sufficient. These things can’t be taught by words alone, but by example. Look around, people.  We are FAILING as parents.  We have an influx of disrespectful, unfocused, entitled, non-driven, irresponsible cry-baby bullies entering into adulthood. They are handicapped and their path to success is greatly diminished because they don’t possess the basic skills to reach success, and they blame the world for their failure. Those skills were never honed and developed in their formative years due to coddling and excuses and laziness.  We have a society of enablers and addicts, and I’m not just talking about drugs.  We have an epidemic of emotional and psychological diseases and the biggest is called “excuses”. And how do we help the helpless?  How do you set boundaries and expectations in preparations for a harsh world?  The world is HARD.  The world is SELFISH.  The world doesn’t give a shit what you’ve been through or how you feel.  To succeed in this world, you have to WANT to succeed and then FIGHT for it.  How the hell can we expect a society of crybabies to fight for anything when they have no respect for themselves, for the world around them, or the parents that raised them?  That respect isn’t going to just magically appear.  No, they will be spoiled, disrespectful bratty adults as they enter the work force.  They are and will remain bullies.  You don’t have to be a bigger kid picking on a smaller kid to be a bully.  You just have to be mean, manipulative, and selfish and cause hardship to someone else by abuse of power or position or manipulation. These same childish bullies remain the same disrespectful bullies as adults in the workplace and society. Believe me, they don’t see themselves as bullies. Bullying doesn’t just happen on the playground; it happens in the workplace, at the club, at the gym, on the streets, etc. There are parents bullied by their disrespectful children. There are teachers bullied by their undisciplined students. There are employees bullied by bad employers. Bullying has no preference, it’s an equal opportunity offender.
I’m not a big girl. I may have a big ass, but I’m not physically intimidating by any means.  But, let me see bullying, and meanness, and manipulation, and gossip, and my dark passenger comes active in a protective way.  I’m considered a bitch because I speak my mind and I speak the truth, especially in the shadows of manipulation. It often costs me, because most people are afraid to speak the truth, because they’re afraid to face the costs.  The costs are NEVER fair.
I believe with my whole heart - that IN truth darkness can’t dwell, and prosper, and be successful.  Abuse ALWAYS happens behind closed doors, in secret whispers, and on the flapping lips and itching ears of Gossips. It spreads like an infectious disease among the weak and small-minded. Want to recognize a bully? Be quiet and listen – because they often speak the loudest, and the longest, and they move like a tumbleweed blowing whichever way the wind takes them.  They feel emboldened and justified by their decisions and behaviors and have that constant need to be acknowledged, receive that pat on the back for all their accomplishments, even those not of their own making, yet taking credit for all the work. They don’t like to be questioned.  Confidence doesn’t mind questions, but Insecurity deems them a threat.
So, I stand up to bullies. I speak for the weak.  I speak for truth, even if it hurts.  Truth is the only thing that sets us free.  So, again – I may not wear a cape – but I stand up.
Till next time,~T.L. Grayhttp://tlgray.blogspot.com/http://authortlgray.wordpress.com/https://www.facebook.com/AuthorTLGrayhttps://twitter.com/AuthorTLGray

I Remember You

I’m the type of person that gives all herself to whatever she sets her heart upon. When I love, I love with everything within me. When I make a decision, I throw all my heart, soul, and energy into the task I’ve accepted.  If I’ve accepted the task, believe me when I tell you this over-thinker has already thought about every conclusion, every outcome, every risk, and every possibility – and yet I chose.  The Word tells us to consider the cost of something before we set our hands to it. Before we build something, know the plans, know the cost, and know the materials and foundation that will be required to complete the task.  Don’t make plans just to start a task, be determined and make the plans to finish it.  While it’s a ‘nice’ philosophy to live by the seat of your pants and make responsive choices as needs and wants arrive, it’s irresponsible and in the long run costs many times more than what was ever needed or required.  It’s a thief – come to steal any progress or profit.  It leads to destruction because the foundation wasn’t solid, the materials weren’t right, shortcuts were made, and essential lode-bearing beams were never placed properly. I believe my previous world crumbled because of this practice.  My foundation was set on hopes and dreams.  My choices were reactive to emotion and need.  I knew better. No one is blame but myself. I knew better and I chose anyway.
In the middle of this current phase of my life, I’m again beginning to recognize myself.  I’m beginning to see that diligent, hard-working, responsible, frugal, driven, goal-oriented, organized, over-thinking, button-downed, cost-counting, careful, blessed, planning, creative artist that I once was, that I worked hard to develop, and that I fought hard to shape.  I see her plain and clear.  I’ve missed her. I whispered to her in the mirror last night, “I remember you.”
I do not regret my past choices – to love and give everything to the family I chose.  I do not regret the choices I made - because they were my choices. I own my choices, my mistakes, and my failures. I wasn’t forced into making those choices, I wasn’t deceived, and I wasn’t manipulated. I didn’t make a choice because of sympathy or need. I simply loved – and I chose love. That choice came with a high cost - and I paid it, I’m paying it now with every tear, every moment I miss them, and every moment I miss not being with them as our lives go separate ways.  But, I’ve also gained, or more accurately re-gained something just as precious – me. 
I’m building a new life now, and believe me – I’m counting every cost.  Every step I make I take into consideration – everything.  I’m not meant to build something small in this world.  I knew that at a very early age.  I’m meant for greatness.  I’m meant to build something spectacular.  I’m not an average person. I never was, and I never will be. I’ve tried to be average. I’ve tried to be what the world or people I loved wanted or needed me to be, but I’m not meant to be any of those things.  I am created for a greater purpose. I don’t know what that is, but I do know the kind of person I need to be in order to step into that role. She’s been baptized in fire. She’s been shaped and molded in flame.  She’s been kindled in water.  She’s been sculpted by the hands of the Maker of the Universe. I remember her.  He whispers, “I remember you, too.”
Till next time,~T.L. Gray http://tlgray.blogspot.com/ http://authortlgray.wordpress.com/ https://www.facebook.com/AuthorTLGray https://twitter.com/AuthorTLGray

What Do I Want?

Being single, I get asked the question of what I want, ALL the time now. My answer changes depending on my mood, my experiences of that day, or my expectations at that moment.  Right now, I would like my cable company to answer the damned phone, not put me on hold for nearly an hour, fix their website and stop the bullshit.  Will that happen?  It better happen soon or else I will be taking a long lunch to return all my equipment to their local office and giving them a stern rebuke for their shitty online and phone service.  So, see …depending on the question, the circumstances, and the content – my answer will change. 
I know the question isn’t aimed at what I want for my cable service, but what I want in life, in love, and in my future relationships. But, honestly … how can I answer that question?  When I was five, I wanted to be safe and free of violence.  Well, that didn’t happen until I left home as a teenager.  When I was fifteen, I thought I wanted Herbie Shiflett. Well, I got Herbie, then I got cheated on and my heart broken for the first time. At twenty-one I found a determined and deep love from a loving soldier that promised me a loving future.  Well, that dream was taken away in an instant by a Somalian bullet. At twenty-three I wanted security, kindness, stability and that picket-fence dream for my family. Well, I got it, don’t regret it, but it came at the high cost of no passion or romance. At thirty-nine, I thought I wanted to find a deep love and soul mate. Well, I got that and the devastating heartache that followed when that deep love wasn’t returned.  So, what do I want next? I’m forty-seven, and while I try to think about the positive and exciting things that could possibly be waiting for me around the corner, I can’t help but wonder what horrible pain is waiting to follow.
All I’ve ever really wanted was to be loved and wanted for who I am, just like I am, to be someone’s partner, best friend, lover … balance. I want to belong somewhere and to someone. I want to be accepted and appreciated for who I am, not who they need or want me to be.  So, how does someone go about finding that in a superficial world? I guess what I really want is faith, and hope, and love – and the greatest of these is love.
Till next time,~T.L. Gray http://tlgray.blogspot.com/ http://authortlgray.wordpress.com/ https://www.facebook.com/AuthorTLGray https://twitter.com/AuthorTLGray

Rise

Everyone desires to succeed in …everything. No one faces their hopes, dreams, or responsibilities in life with the expectation of failure. That is one way that makes us all similar to one another.  Even from the depths of drug addiction, to the height of financial, educational or titled climb, to being surrounded and well loved by family, to invention, to achievement, to taking our first steps, to beating disease, to finding love – we all desire to succeed. Not one of us wakes up every day seeking ways to fail. Our differences come from our ideas of ‘how’ to succeed.
I’ve met many people throughout my life that have obtained great success, and I’ve met many more who have known nothing but one failure after the next.  One is no greater of a human being than the other.  In what we succeed or fail doesn’t shape our character or define our moral center, but “how” we go about succeeding or failing, makes ALL the difference and is the DNA of our character. You can tell me a million ways, until you’re blue in the face, until the cows come home, or any other metaphor you want to use, that you’re a good and kind person with good intentions, yet your actions are selfish and cruel, you are NOT a good person. If you blame others for your failures, or tear others down, you are NOT a good person. If in order for you to rise you must step on someone else, you are NOT a good person. I may not be perfect, and I may not always be to blame for everything that goes wrong in my life, but one thing I will never do is tear someone else down in order for me to rise. I will not do it to family, loved ones, co-workers, friends or even ex-lovers.  My God has taught me a deeper lesson than the one the world shows on a constant basis. 
I am currently at my lowest depths when it comes to failure and success.  I recently lost my step-kids, my soul mate, my dogs, a life and a family I had chosen, and the only father I had ever respected and loved. I sacrificed many successful things in my life to choose them, but I would sacrifice those things all over again for them. I have no regrets of anything I laid down for them, because “they” were my success.  Loving them was my goal and my choice.  I failed.  Yes, I understand it takes two to make a relationship work. It was just as much their responsibility to love and choose me back. I can’t take responsibility for their choices, I can only take responsibility for my own. I made mistakes, but loving them and choosing them was not one of them.  They were far from perfect, but I will never tear them down in order to justify the failure of our relationship.  I’ve already lost them, what good would come from dwelling on their faults or failures? What good would come from tearing them down? What good would come from blaming them or hating them? How can I rise if my focus is to tear them down? I can’t.  I rise by looking up.  I rise by focusing on the love we had and shared.  I rise remembering the good.  That doesn’t mean I deny the pain, the truth, or the issues we all had. No – by no means.  There were issues, really major issues and I believe more than anything in this world that only facing the truth of an issue can anyone ever defeat and overcome them.  There’s a lot of denial of some major issues, and that denial caused a lot of damage and a lot of pain. I can’t change that – I couldn’t change it – I failed – we failed.  But, what I can change is how I let the pain affect ME. I want to rise.  I want to breathe, I want to hope for a better day a better tomorrow, and I know I can’t find that success if I’m too busy trying to tear someone else down. 
I will not speak of EX negatively.  Yes, he has his faults, many faults, but it’s not my job to inform the world of them. I won’t deny the truth, even the ugly parts of the truth, but I will not tear anyone else down in order to justify myself. I will not blame HIM for OUR failure.  I love him. I will always love him. I love them and I will always love them. I don’t want them to fail just because I am not with them anymore. I want them to succeed in life. I want them to be happy. I want them to be healthy, and free, and loved, and be good people.  I want to be happy and successful and free.  So, maybe I’m odd and don’t swim like the rest of the world, but I want to rise out of this pain. I want to rise off this floor and fly once again.  My flight doesn’t require climbing over someone else, it only requires spreading my wings and looking up.  Spreading your wings makes you vulnerable, but it’s the only way to catch the wind and rise.
Till next time,~T.L. Gray http://tlgray.blogspot.com/ http://authortlgray.wordpress.com/ https://www.facebook.com/AuthorTLGray https://twitter.com/AuthorTLGray

April Fool's Flowers

A man brought me flowers yesterday, a dozen April Fool’s flowers, a bouquet of beauty filled with much more than I expected.  Well, the fact I didn’t expect them, had no idea they existed …for me, had no inkling or clue they were destined to be placed into my hand made them even more spectacular.  They’re just roses.  But they’re the most beautiful roses I have seen in a very long time, because they’re mine and were meant for me.
I had expected my April Fools to be lonely, to be quiet, and to pass by with a whimper.  I had brought a dozen donuts to work for my co-workers and it took them half a day to start eating them, because they expected a prank, a joke, or a surprise. They came from me, after all – the witty girl always up for a prank. No, they were just donuts that I had bought for a party I had with my girlfriends a couple days before and were never going to eat. I was surprised that I hadn’t planned any prank or joke – because I love to laugh and bring laughter to others more than anything else.  But, it just wasn’t in me this year. It was a bit of a sad occasion, a reminder of a lost love.
No, I expected my April Fool’s evening to go by forgotten and lonely.  I went home after work with plans of doing laundry, vacuuming my condo, working out on my treadmill - since it was too cold to hang out by the pool, cook me a sensible dinner, watch a little television and fall asleep reading. Not a bad evening, but nothing spectacular, nothing surprising, and definitely nothing exciting.  I’m glad the universe had other plans. I appreciate that a smart, handsome, romantic, spontaneous – super mysterious (ha ha) man had other plans and wasn’t afraid to interrupt mine.  I didn’t expect him. I didn’t ask for him. I didn’t seek him out. Yet, he found me anyway and I had a Cinderella evening on an April Fool’s Day.  I had doors opened for me, smiles directed at me, laughter shared with me, and a kiss I felt all the way to my toes. But, there was another part of me, one deep down I tried to ignore, one that kept waiting for the clock to strike mid-night, and the other shoe to drop - for the April Fool’s joke to be revealed – because how could all this be for me? But, that joke never came. 
I have divided that dozen roses into several different vases throughout my condo to remind me everywhere I turn - that it’s okay to be Cinderella sometimes. It feels good to be wanted, to be valued, and to be pursued.
I don’t know how this fairy tale will evolve, if it will bloom into a grand tale or become something the Grimm brothers would appreciate. I will not worry about tomorrow. Maybe I will be the fool. Maybe not. I will appreciate the moment for what it has been so far. I have a huge smile on my face today. I will hope for a better future, and no matter that future I will always love and appreciate my April Fool’s Flowers.
Till next time,~T.L. Gray http://tlgray.blogspot.com/ http://authortlgray.wordpress.com/ https://www.facebook.com/AuthorTLGray https://twitter.com/AuthorTLGray

Monday Morning Coffee

Most people are not morning people, and even more so not Monday morning people.  I'm one of those irritating happy morning people, especially on a Monday.  Why?  I have a theory. 
Shit happens, but I’m still going to hope for a better day.  As Shakespeare said, "All the world's a stage and all the people are merely players." All life is drama.  The differences are the types of dramas we find ourselves and how they affect us.  I hear people say all the time they don't want any 'drama' in their lives.  Well, too damned bad, because as long as we live and breathe there is drama.  We can't escape it.  We can try, but it won't work.  I've tried many times. I've told myself on many occasions that my life would be better if I could stop feeling and the drama would leave me alone. Yeah, but that's bullshit.  I knew it was bullshit when I said it, and knew that saying it wasn't going to change anything.
While we may not be able to control the presence of drama in our lives, we do have control on the kind of drama we allow, we run toward, we desire, and to which we choose to run away. My choice would be the hero’s tale, but I often myself wrapped up in a tragedy.  I desire the epic romance, but often find myself in a myopic comedy.  I have been hurt deeply many times, but even still I have ‘hope’ for a better day, a better tomorrow. My trust may be broken, my faith may be weak, and my expectation may be so vapid that it disappears with the slightest breeze, but I still cling to hope for a better story, MY story.  Why, because I love myself.  I love the woman I am. I don’t deny my mistakes. I don’t ignore my faults. I don’t pretend.  I love with all that I have, all that I am, because I know what it’s like to be unloved and unwanted.  I know how rejection cuts so deeply it leaves a scar that burns.  I know what it’s like to look into the eyes of someone you love so deeply, to see no love staring back.  I know that pain.  I know what it feels like to cling to that dying hope that things will change, that love will overcome, or that the story doesn’t have to end the way feared.  But, I can only hold onto that false hope for so long, because there’s another hope that is seeded deeper within my soul I won’t allow to be sacrificed in its place.  And it is THAT hope that gets me up every morning, especially on a Monday morning.  
Regardless of how the day ends, I lift my warm cup of coffee to this glorious Monday morning, holding fast to the hope that this day will be the day that leads me down the road of MY story, that it be filled with MY drama, and that I feel all the love and beauty I’ve been searching for my whole life.  I already walk in my story, and I already have all that I desire, because it’s wrapped up in that woman I see in the mirror every morning.  The only difference is my ability to see her – and that is my hope – that I see her more clearly every day and don’t allow the drama and hurts of the world to hide her from me.
Till next time,~T.L. Gray

Forgiveness and Repentance

What does it really mean to be forgiven or to forgive someone, and how does repentace play a part?

In the many stages of my life both words, forgiveness and repentance, meant different things. As a young girl being abused by her father, I couldn't understand the thought of forgiveness. No way in Hell. No, to a victim - the idea of forgiveness is equivolent of accepting the behavior, the abuse, or the pain that was being inflicted on them. I couldn't 'forgive' my father, so I chose to be angry and hate him instead. I was a child, and thought like a child, and carried around an immense pain and shame that wasn't mine to carry.

But as life carried forward and I had children of my own, I began to think like a parent, making decisions to protect my children, that put their needs above their wants, even if it made me the bad guy. But i still carried this anger inside, wrapped in unforgiveness toward my father and mother. But, there was someone else that needed that forgiveness too, ...me.

But, how could I? How could I accept what was done? How could I ever feel that what happened was okay? I didn't. But, I didn't realize that forgiveness wasn't accepting that what they did was okay, because it wasn't okay. It was wrong on the highest level. It was a betrayal of love and trust. Forgiveness was about accepting the truth, the whole ugly truth, facing the damage, and seeing it for what it truly was and what it truly did. Without the truth, I couldnt face that truth and rise above it, to learn to heal, to make reparations and to change the direction.

My pain was real, but my enemy, my true enemy wasn't the monster that abused me, or the other monster that failed to protect me, it was the monster on the inside that lied to me on a daily basis telling me that I was damaged, unloved, and unworthy of being loved, unwanted, and neglected. Those were truths, but it wasn't THE truth. But it was the only one I could hear.

I had to enter another stage of my life before I started to see the truth and power of forgiveness and repentance. I began to see that to forgive was not to say their actions were okay, but that I wasn't going to allow their actions to hurt me anymore. I started to love myself, and with that love begin to see the truth about me, and only about me. I could no longer judge my abusers, that wasnt my job. Truth judged them. It wasn't my job to punish them, I wasn't the way to penance, because true pennace is an internal thing between a person and their conscious, or God. People don't get away with the things they do, even when it 'seems' like it. They have their own monsters, and those monsters are brutal. I had to forgive, not what was done to me but what I allowed to happen within me. I had to forgive myself. I had to see myself for 5he dirty, ragged, angry, hateful person I had become - because that person was hiding the kind, loving, giving, selfless person that I truly was behind all that pain.

So, I forgave her.  I forgave my monster, because I know understood what made her, what empowered her, and finally what would defeat her. I forgave my other monsters too, because I realized they were blinded by their own monsters and their fight wasnt mine.

Don't get me wrong. I forgave, but I did not forget. They couldn't see their own truth, so they were still monsters, and I had the responsibility to protect myself from them. My parents died without ever apologizing, reconciling, accepting the truth of the damage they caused, and I am okay with that, because I will not allow that to happen to me.

My monsters never repented. That was another word I didn't understand for many many years either. Repentance isn't feeling sorry for an action. After forginess (you can't repent for what you first don't acknowledge and forgive. We think we can, but that's not the truth. The definiton of repentance is to make reparations, to repair the damage caused by our actions. Saying sorry is only step two, and the beginning of repentance. Finding forgiveness isnt the end of a matter, but the beginning of repentance.

We make a lot of messes. We create a lot of pain. We are all monsters at times, and its up to US, not a parent, a therapist, a drug, a pill, a program, or even a prayer to fix the damage we caused, it's up to us. It's up to me when i realize I've done something to hurt someone else, to make it right. It's up to me to face that truth, forgive myself, and then go apologize (I don't apologize until ive forgiven, else its a lie), and then work on trying to make it better, to repair what I've broken. If its trust, i work harder to build trust. If it's anger, I try to work at the root disease that cauaed the anger, to help control it in the future.

Is the above the miracle cure and will solve all my problems and the problems of the people in my life? No. I can only forgive and repent for myself. I'm only one part of every relationship in my life.

Right now I'm having a real hard time with my youngest step-son. He's so angry and disrespectful that he pushes my buttons and patience beyond their maximum capacity. He is a monster. He has many monsters to deal with, and as much as I love him, I can't vanquish his monsters for him.  I didn't create the damage he's dealing with now, I've just come into his life these past couple of years, and those monsters run deep. But, I see the truth behind the pain. I see the beautiful soul inside. I see the man he can be. But he has to find forgivness and repentance on his own. He won't do that without truth, but right now all he hears are the lies, the same lies I heard ...being unloved, unwanted, damaged, etc. But their lies. He is deeply loved, wanted, and beautiful. I love him so much, and i HATE all the damaging and destructive things he's doing to himself and his family. I hate it so much, because I know it hurts him most of all. I will not accept his abuse. I'm fighting hard not to let it damage me, but that's hard and I fail somewhat everyday. Right now he hates me and believes I hate him, but I love him so much. I can't save him, but I'm going to keep fighting for him, whether he loves me or not, or hates me for it. I know his apologies mean nothing for now, because there is no acceptance of truth, but I am hopeful one day they will be authentic.

I'm also trying to fight against the monsters of his dad and brother, because I love them too. I can't teach them about forgiveness and repentance, it's a truth they will have to learn on their own. I just hope I can keep them both alive within me, and working in me.

Life is hard. Always. Love is worth the fight, and I love them all, just as God loves me.

Till next time,
~T.L. Gray

The Slavery Debate

Let me start this article with stating a fact, one that is going to change the perception of many of you who dare to read this article.  I am a white woman.  What do I know about slavery?

When the word 'slavery' is mumbled within our society today, it is almost ALWAYS associated with the African slave trade by the white Europeans of early America.  But that's only ONE faction, one truth, one piece of slavery, and it's not even the whole picture. Yet this one particular faction has rooted a segregated hate that is very prevalent in our current society, and continues to spread its anger and hate like a cancer through our youth with the access to social media - a place where that bias and hate is spread like a incurable disease.  However, I wish our  youth would use this amazing access via the internet to hunt for the truth and search history on their own.  But, most don't. It's too much work, requires too much time, and in this ADHD society, it costs too much focus.  It's easier to just listen to the lessons of more hate, more anger, and more division in our movies, music, videos, art, pop cultural, and political incorrect insensitivity.  It's easier to let others think for us and tell us what we feel, what we know, and what we should do about it. In ignorance, the issue of slavery has been relegated to racism, which in essence slavery has nothing to do with race.  YES, there was a race of slaves that were enslaved because of their race, but that doesn't make all slavery about race.  In truth, even THAT particular slavery was more about economics than race, yet the hate that was bred, nurtured, and spread came down to race - on both sides of the hate - and continues today in a generation that has never known slavery, only racism.  Lest we forget the millions of Native Americans that were marched out of their homes, across a harsh land in harsh conditions, dying daily along the Trail of Tears was a form of slavery too.

Slavery isn't a black or white issue.  Racism isn't really a black or white issue.  Hate isn't a black or white issue.  Hate is hate. To hate someone, belittle them, think them inferior or less human because of the color of someone's skin, because of their culture, because of their sex, because of their education, because of their status in society -  is simple ignorance. Ignorance breeds hate and fear, intolerance and indifference. Slavery is pure evil.  To own, to trade, or treat another human being as an object, as inhumane, as property, is wrong on EVERY level. To also turn a blind eye to it, is just as evil. Yet, we turn a blind to slavery everyday, often because we are too busy arguing with each other about our prejudice, intolerance, and privilege, or lack thereof.  While we are arguing about how 'unfair' life is -  there are child slaves working 15-20 hours a day in sweatshops and workhouses, there are young girls and boys being kidnapped from their homes and sold to the highest bidder to perverts, there are young girls being married off as young as five and six years old to old bastards, traded like pieces of property, and then raped and beat and expected to accept it as okay behavior, there are millions of women who are not allowed to speak, to be educated, to even be seen, raped and then stoned to death for being raped, and it is culturally accepted.  Yet, I don't see pop stars, rappers, actors, civil-rights activists, or political pundits out here fighting against this slavery. We think it's a problem 'over there'. Young Africans being kidnapped by their own people and sold to the highest bidding white European was at one time a problem 'over there'. Millions of Jewish people led to the gas chambers, stripped of all their dignity and humanity was a problem 'over there'.  A whole village of white Moldovian girls being kidnapped, drugged, beat, and sold to the highest pervert is a problem 'over there'.  A young woman being ganged-raped by a group of men being stoned to death in the streets for being raped is a problem 'over there'. Mexicans trying to escape to a better world and using their last peso to purchase their own enslavement from mules is a problem 'over there'.  Or is it? 

American's don't often realize how much goes on right here in their back yards.  Human trafficking is a big business, and our society would be shocked if they realized how many humans - black, white, Hispanic, Asian, Native American, European, child and adult, are transferred through our safe American streets on a daily basis. We're too busy hating each other over an atrocity that happened a hundred years ago.  Yes, African slavery happened.  Yes, it was wrong.  But, what Black America seems to forget is that freedom came at a cost.  There was a high price paid for that freedom and that price was paid by people who believed what was happening was wrong  - and that included a LOT of white people.  Slavery isn't a race issue, it's a bondage issue.  Ignorant racists don't hate black people because they were slaves.  Ignorant racists hate black people because they're ignorant and believe they are superior by their white genetics.  Ignorant black people don't hate white people because their ancestors were enslaved, they hate white people because of the racists acts that have been inflicted upon them and by them.  My Jewish ancestors were slaves many times, but I choose not to hate Egyptians, Germans, Americans, or even Africans because of it.  I hate slavery, period. I hate intolerance, period.  I hate hate, period.

I hate when I hear white racists try to justify their hate.  I hate when I hear black racists try to justify their hate. I hate when either of them try to placate their hate in a joke.  I hate when they spew their bullshit in public and want a pat on the back for their stand - but what are they standing for? Civil rights activists that marched across those bridges were not ONLY black. Civil Rights isn't only a black issue, yet I am literally told almost on a daily basis how I don't belong or don't understand, or that I too am a racist because I'm white. No, it's because I call them on their bullshit. Suck it up whiny babies.  If you want to do something to change the hate, then get off your lazy whiny asses and start doing something.  There are programs and organizations out there in the world that are currently fighting against slavery.  BTW - our welfare system is another form of modern slavery.  It promises aide, but it comes with a cost. There are programs that are helping free and rescue victims of human trafficking going on TODAY. There are organizations out there fighting for women's rights around the world, not just here in the United States.  There are people of all color, sexes, and cultures DOING something about slavery besides spreading hate. If you're doing NOTHING about it, then shut up. Shut your hateful spoiled mouth. I don't want to hear your stupid angry songs about how 'unfair' life has been.  I'm angry about it NOW. I'm angry about what happened in the past, what's happening now, and what's going to happen in the future.  I have had nightmares hearing victims tell of their plights, learning how children are suffering today, knowing that when I put my head on my comfortable pillow at night they are in pain, alone, scared, and living in conditions I can't even imagine. I have looked into the eyes of a young girl that has been rescued from human trafficking and THAT is worth fighting for. I didn't care what color skin she had, only that she had been freed. I understand bondage more than you'd expect. I have lived in bondage, been beat, abused, raped, held captive and forced to do things I knew were wrong and didn't want to do, and I'm a white girl living in America. So, excuse me when I don't think your racist song or joke is funny, or when I get upset when I hear someone who had an opportunity to bring people together instead want to cause more division, more separation because they are 'angry' about unfairness.

Life is NOT fair, but ALL life matters.  Not white lives, black lives, blue lives, brown lives, yellow lives, animal lives, or sea life that matters.  ALL life matters. Slavery is wrong.  Hate is wrong. I don't need a religion or a law to tell me that it's wrong.   It's WRONG, period.

Till next time,
~T.L. Gray