T.L. Gray's Blog, page 30

It's Better to Give

Peace Corp Volunteer Michael Solano with students at St. Denis

There are a lot of charities out there in the world. It takes money to do anything. There used to be a time when money wasn’t more important than having a skill or a commodity to trade. While there are many things we are capable of doing with our hands, it’s sometimes even impossible to do the simplest of things without the proper tools.

Those who’ve followed my blogs for any amount of time know that I’m not an activist in any sense. I only endorse those projects, books, music, games, or causes that I feel a personal passion. I’ve worked really hard to build this platform and I refuse to allow it to become a wasteland.

I’m a giver, and most of the time my support is done quietly. For nearly 18 years I supported a child in a 3rd world country, I’ve supported various missions, medical research, shelters, food distribution centers, programs at nursing facilities, etc. I’m not saying these things now for myself, only that I’m not new to the world of giving or working quietly in a volunteer service. I fully understand the value of the selfless act. I also understand and believe in the concept that if we want good things to happen in our lives, we need to sow some good into someone else’ life. Karma, sowing and reaping, whatever phrase or philosophy you want to apply, will always come back full circle. Who you are isn’t about what you do when you have the world at your feet or if everyone is watching you, but what you choose often to do with the last piece of bread you have as you stand in the shadows.

This morning I share a new cause, a new project, a new opportunity. It’s not something that will change the world or start a new movement like the latest Ice Bucket Challenge, but to the students of St. Denis it will make all the difference in the world. Giving to this cause will not offer any spotlight, you won’t receive a nice video message, you won’t get to do a crazy stunt, you won’t need to make a video, and you won’t even get a chance to tag a few of your friends. However, you can take those same concepts and apply them to this cause. I DARE you to send this to a few of your friends, to give them the same chance. I loved the Ice Bucket Challenge. It made my heart smile to see the world giving, no matter the inspiration.

The cause: There’s this little, insignificant school in Lesotho, South Africa that needs a kitchen. The staff and students at St. Denis prepare all their meals outside in three big pots, in the wind, the rain, the cold, the heat, etc. They don’t need millions for research, they just need a few thousand dollars for the equipment and materials to build a simple kitchen. Check out this video my good friend and Peace Corps volunteer and teacher, Michael Solano, made.



http://www.gofundme.com/ews3qk

Give what you can, even if all you can give is just a few dollars, because you’re down to your last piece of bread. For those who can give a lot, do what you can. If several of us could give a little, we can make the lives of these beautiful students just a tad better. No, we can’t solve all their problems with one opportunity, with one project, but it will make those who are out there every day, just a little bit more sanitary, a little more comfortable, and a little brighter.

Till next time,

~Gracious Giver

Sweater Weather

I couldn’t believe it when I woke up this morning and threw the covers back, to find my warm hibernation had been invaded by a frosty chill. I nearly let out a yelp, jumped up, and quickly wrapped in my plush house coat, not the thin silky one. I needed warmth. After brushing my teeth and washing my face, I checked the thermostat in the hallway to make sure I didn’t knock the air-conditioning down to a low temp, mistaking having thought I cut it completely off the morning before. The temperature was set to 75, yet it felt so much colder. I hoped I wasn’t getting sick.

A huge smile crossed my face when I trundled back to my bedroom and picked up my cell phone and shining across my screen was a digital display reading 52 degrees. Below that sat a forecast for sunny skies and an expected high of just 75. Yeah, Baby, it was Sweater Weather!

Now I understood why I had slept so good and yet felt so cold… it was cold. It’s the type of weather you open the windows during the day, snuggle in the covers at night, and set the furnace to warm you in the mornings. So, that’s exactly what I did, I flipped the switch to heat and set the temperature to 68. A few minutes later after all the burners fired up in the furnace, I had to pull the batteries from my smoke detectors and open the back door as the first fire of the season cleared the dust from a long Spring and Summer. Don’t worry, I put the batteries back in as the dust disappeared.

The first waves of Autumn have arrived. This is my favorite time of year.

Other than a few cultural prejudices, the Georgia summer heat is one of the main reasons why I have this strong desire to move. Another reason is simply that I’m an explorer, a rambler, a curious cat that wants to see the world. However, a Georgia Autumn is one of the best and most prettiest I’ve seen in the many places I’ve already travelled. I absolutely LOVE this state when the nights and mornings drop to a frosty temp, the skies are clear, the days are mild, the leaves on the trees are changing, and the autumn flowers are blooming. It means it’s time to get back to the woods and explore more hidden trails, beautiful waterfalls, breathe in some fresh air, and climb some Georgia mountains. It’s the perfect balance.

The seasons are not the only thing changing. I’ve been feeling …different lately. I’m not sure how to describe it. It’s a mixture, much like the heat of summer fighting to linger as the cool air of Autumn fights to claim its dominance. My past and my future selves are fighting for dominance of my present. My passions are fighting within themselves, changing from a burning hot excitement to a more mellow, content state of being. Don’t get me wrong – I love to burn hot, but if I’m burning hot all the time, I’ll eventually burn out.

I’ve recently walked away from a relationship that was just… quite frankly, all wrong for me. Though this man made me laugh quite often, which was a wonderful thing, and he had a lot to offer, he also frustrated me in a sense that he lacked a fire burning in him to match the fire burning in me. I had all this passion bottled up inside me, but instead of providing a valve to help me release it, he became a stopper – dousing it with cold water. I found myself compromising often, pushing my desires and plans to the side, to accommodate a lifestyle I had already chosen to leave behind. I knew I could play this particular game, but I didn’t want to play it. I’ve been there, done that, and knew it would never make me truly happy because it’s not a lifestyle that accommodates who I truly am.

I also faced another relationship, another form of passion, another game, but found it too is not really the game I wanted to play. Unlike the above mentioned relationship, this one actually burned really hot, too hot. Instead of dousing me with cold water and smoldering my own flames, it threatened to overwhelm me completely, leaving me nothing but ashes. I’ve been there before too, and got burned. I still feel the licking flames and carry those scars. I don’t want to get burned again, so I found myself walking away from that relationship too.

The change that’s happening is that the relationship I’m choosing, the one that fulfills me most, that balances me, that pushes me into those new adventures, allowing me to experience many of the things I’ve always wanted to do and see, is the one that has the right mixture of hot and cold, excitement and calm, adventure and responsibility – it’s the relationship I’m developing with myself. Simply put – I want to date me. It’s sweater weather, and I want to cloak myself with the right kind of sweater, appropriate for the right temperature, to maximize the right level of comfort. Maybe someday I’ll meet a man that will bring the right balance for me, but until that time comes… I already have the right garment for these changing times.

Till next time,



~The Perfect Sweater

Understanding Humanity

One of the biggest themes in my current WIP is an archangel experiencing and learning about the complexities of humanity. I’m really curious what he discovers in the end (I haven’t written the ending yet), because the thing that confuses me most is humanity, or more specific - human emotion and the way we sometimes treat one another. I’m a human, I should understand it, but I don’t. People confuse the hell out of me. They’re unpredictable, and quite frankly, disappoint me often.

One of my good friends really loves to ‘tell me like it is’ and sometimes makes a comment that I’m too hard on people and hold them to too high a standard; that I make people feel like they can never please me because I expect too much. What am I supposed to do with that? Apologize that I expect people to be decent, to act with goodness and kindness, to make reasonable decisions, to expect them to do and try their best? Perhaps he’s right. Perhaps I do hold people to a higher standard, but not something that I don’t hold myself to first.

Some people are just assholes - self-centered egotists, who can’t get their head’s out of their asses long enough to think about other people. They’re often miserable in their quest for success or domination, but it only makes them end up alone or surrounded with people just as shallow as they are – now, that I find very sad. Most of the time they don’t understand why they feel empty or like shit, because they’re not thinking about what they’re pouring into themselves or into the lives of the people that come into their circle. What you eat, what you read, what you watch, what you participate in, what your habits are – that’s what makes you who you are, determines how you feel, and creates the atmosphere in which you live. If you only consider yourself and what YOU want – you’re not sharing yourself with the people around you, therefore you won’t enjoy the fruits of their true friendship. You get the semblance of a friendship. But a true friendship is an invaluable treasure. All those fake friends don’t mean shit and will scatter like the wind if you actually ever needed any of them.

I love my friends and I have some of the best friends in the world because they genuinely care about me. They love me, and I love them more than I could ever express to them. They share their fears, hopes, complaints, and aspirations with me, and provide an ear and support for me to share mine. That’s what friendship is – and exchange of who we are as human beings. It can’t be all give or take – or else it’s not a real friendship.

I’d rather have one true friend than a thousand acquaintances. I do truly believe in the golden rule – that we should treat others as we want to be treated. But think about that – would you want to be treated the way you treat others? Would you want to be treated with disrespect, indifference, arrogance, selfishness, contempt, prejudice, etc. Would you want to be played, lied to, cheated on, hurt, abused, or used? Would you want to be ignored, bullied, or just thrown away?

Be careful how you treat others. Try to understand humanity. Karma is a bitch. You want friends, be a friend. You want love, love. You want happiness, spread happiness. You want life – live. And for those cancers that come into your life and try to drag you down with their negativity, prejudice, arrogance, and selfishness – give them an opportunity to change, but if they don’t, cut them out like a cancerous tumor lest they kill you both.

I’m a very rich woman because I have a few true great friends.

Till next time,

~A Grateful Friend

Think Before You PM

Instead of my typical blog post this morning, I’ve instead decided to make a plea.  This is something that’s been bothering me for some time now, but I’ve hesitated saying anything – because I don’t want to upset, hurt, or anger anyone.  There’s this other part of me on the inside screaming, “You just broke out of a box where you were told what to think, what to believe, how to dress, how to act, how to talk, and almost on a daily basis reminded to watch what you do and say because others are watching you.  God forbid I should cause another to stumble.”  That was a heavy burden to carry.  I refuse to ever carry it again.

I will start by saying - I am responsible for what I do and say.  I will one day give an account for ME.  I am NOT however responsible for YOUR response, YOUR behavior, YOUR thoughts, YOUR actions, or for YOUR stumble.  YOU are.

Now that that’s out of the way, let me begin.

YES, I’m single.  YES, I’m a natural flirt.  I flirt with everyone, men and women.  I’m a witty person.  Sometimes I hear or see something and a corresponding phrase will pop into my head.  Sometimes that response is funny, sometimes serious, sometimes witty, sometimes stupid as hell, sometimes it’s brilliant, and sometimes a little perverted.  I have no filter.  Those who know me, know I ALWAYS speak my mind.  That’s not to say my mind always has the appropriate or perfect answer.  On the contrary – it’s usually just as messed up and jumbled as I am.  However, it’s always the truth and always authentic - to me.

Having said that, being single, cute, and naturally flirtatious has led to a few complications.  One of those complications – receiving very inappropriate PM’s.

I apologize if I’ve given the impression that I would enjoy receiving those types of correspondences.  I don’t.  Don’t get me wrong, I love when people are just as open and  flirtatious as I am.  By all means… flirt.  But, there IS a difference between being fun and flirty and being an inappropriate pervert.

I’m not a party girl. I’m not looking for a hookup.  I will NEVER be the ‘other’ woman.  (BTW – tell your wives and your girlfriends they can quit messaging me too.  I’m not responsible for your behavior. ) I respect relationships.  If you have a girlfriend or a wife, you have NO business sending me a PM  for any reason, except perhaps on writing related business. Quit sending me your phone numbers or inappropriate pictures.  I will never call and am not impressed.  NO, I will not send you a naked picture. I don’t take those kinds of pictures and I’ll never send one even if I do.  Grow up.  You want to see a naked woman (other than your wives/girlfriends), they’ve got magazines and websites for that.

My Facebook is not a dating site.  My children and family are on here.  My closest friends are on here too.  I also have friends, work colleagues, and fans here too.  Don’t get me wrong.  I am the SAME on Facebook as I am in person.  My family and friends know who I am, they know I’m flirtatious, they know I’m a little batty, funny, have a serious side, can get confrontational on a dime, and passionate about everything I do.  I don’t censor what I say or do online. I’ve learned to be very open and honest about who I am.  But that’s not a license for YOU to be inappropriate with me or disrespect me.

If you’re interested in being my friend, in dating, in getting to know me better, then interact with me in public until we reach a point in our interaction to take things on a more private level.  People, it’s just like if we met in person.  Interact with me the same way you would if I were standing right in front of you.  Just because you’re behind a computer screen doesn’t mean you skip right to the bedroom.  Also, if you’re in a ‘situation’ where public interaction with me will cause ‘problems’… that’s YOUR problem, not mine. If you interact with me, expect it to be public until we enter into an actual relationship – then I will keep your privacy.  I have several friends who are just private people, and I respect their privacy.  That’s a different ballgame.

Think before you PM me.  If you’re interested in me, get to know me.  I’m an opened book.  Have a little bit of understanding and respect.  I just came out of a 20 year marriage.  My heart has been shredded and I’m doing my best to put it back together.  My life has been turned upside down, and I’m doing all I can to set it upright and move into a brighter direction.  I’ve had some hit and misses on the dating front, but this whole dating thing is a new beast for me. Have patience as I find my way.  But don’t misunderstand my situation.  I’m not a desperate little girl seeking the attention and admiration from just anybody.  I’m a beautiful, confident, independent, strong as hell grown woman, kicking life’s ass. I know what I want and don’t want, and I don’t compromise.  I seek crowns, not gum unworthy to stick to the bottom of my shoes.  I’ve tried to be nice and polite, but my middle  finger has no problem hitting the ‘unfriend’ button.

Till next time,

~Frustrated with Perverts

Life is an Adventure

Not every moment in our lives are monumental, yet each moment is pertinent to every event.  You can be living, but not be alive.  You can be awake, and asleep, at the same time.  You can go through the motions of life, yet be detached, and essentially be the walking dead.  I know, I’m an expert.

Wake up!

Life is an adventure.  That’s not to say that life is only full of good things.  Adventures are not just good experiences.  Every adventure I’ve ever been a part of has usually been fraught with roadblocks, detours, obstacles, ups, downs, good times and bad.  If calculated, it’s more than likely filled with more bad than good, but that really doesn’t matter.  The point of the matter is that I’m awake and I’m living.  I’m feeling everything.

There was a time I felt nothing.  I had closed everything off so much I could literally feel nothing.  By every societal expectation, my life looked almost perfect. Minutes, hours, days, weeks, months, and years went by in a routine, doing the same empty things day after day, and was praised for it.  I wish I could blame anyone else, but the only blame lay at my own feet.

I blinked.

Now this is where the story is supposed to turn around and all the good things in life are to come rushing in and overwhelm me, and Karma pays me back for all the good I’ve done to balance out all the bad I’ve experienced.  I don’t live in a fairy tale.  Things changed all right – I  opened my eyes to find I had created a place of desolation.  The only difference now, I could see and feel everything – and everything crumbled around me.

But, this isn’t a sad story by any measure.  It’s about an adventure, remember.

Walking out of a place of desolation takes time.  Your atrophied muscles have to get used to moving, your lungs have to get used to breathing in and out, and your heart has to get used to pumping blood, and they protest and hurt and ache, yet you can’t stop.  Staying still only puts you back to sleep.  Putting one step in front of the other you will eventually make progress.

You can’t take the desolation with you, you have to leave it behind, keep your eyes forward, keep your feet moving no matter how much it hurts, and the ground below you will eventually turn from burned ash to a barren desert, to a budding meadow, and eventually to a lush paradise.

Life is beautiful – all of it – the good, the bad, and even the ugly is beautiful – because life is movement, it’s precious, it’s unique, it’s individual, it’s a gift, it’s an adventure.

We think we  have no control over the adventures we experience in this life, but that’s not entirely true.  While there are obstacles we have to face as our life’s adventure crosses the adventures of other lives, we are the Captains of our own souls.  We must learn to overcome and adapt, to know when to defend and when to attack, when to fight and when to help.  We will get knocked down, but our only true choice is to get back up.

Be grateful for your life.  Get excited about your adventure.  Breathe. I can’t say it will always be alright, but I can say that living as loud as you can is worth it.  You are worth it, even if no one else in this world can see that.

Till next time,

Life Adventurer

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Lover of Words

I love words.  I love reading them, hearing them, saying them, texting them, receiving them, having them whispered to me, etc.  Most of all, I love learning new ones.  I love long ones, short ones, scientific ones, poetic ones, sexy ones, big ones, small ones, complicated to pronounce words, especially beautiful words.
Learning words is exciting, but it’s not a race.  Don’t get into a hurry. It’s not about how many words you can memorize, but really learning the one’s you come across.  Research them, apply them, say them, hear them, and use them in a sentence; try them out.  Some of them work and become part of your vocabulary, they steal a piece of your heart.  But then some of them just don’t feel right, just don’t click, so let them go – having enjoyed them for that moment, but move on to the next word that comes along. 
Words turn my head much the way a good-lookin’ body catches my eye.  Don’t get me wrong, a beautiful pair of eyes, a sexy smile, and a healthy fit body turns my head and I enjoy the moment.  But, I’m such a dork for a beautifully constructed word.  I melt when a term is applied in an exciting, adventurous manner. 
Satisfying the body is easy, ridiculously too easy.  But satiating the mind?  I don’t know if it’s just the times in which we live, or perhaps it’s because I live in the present, therefore pay more attention to my surroundings, it seems the world is filled with a bunch of zombies – brainless idiots following base desires to fulfill single lusts and needs.   Maybe it’s just regional, because I might meet 1 in 10 that seem to have a spark of genuine intelligence, a sense of seeking, a smidge of knowing, or an appearance of life and a thirst for knowledge. 
Don’t you find it funny that the thing zombies crave most are brains and life, things they’re not using.  They don’t go after the brains of other zombies, only the gray matter of those who are awake. (Don’t laugh… I know you’ve had those same nerdy thoughts.)
Want to impress me or catch my attention?  Introduce me to a new word.  If you want to seduce my body, you’ll first have to seduce my mind.  Society has it backwards – they are so focused on satisfying the flesh, usually ignoring the mind, thinking the mind and heart will follow if they can first satisfy the body and the eyes.  Just so you know – the eye is NEVER satisfied, so said King Solomon in Proverbs.  Maybe physical attraction is most important for the general populace, but I’m not an average, general, regular, or common woman.  I’m strange; peculiar.  The only way you could ever satisfy me physically is to have first intrigued me intellectually and touched me emotionally. 
So, learn a new word today.  Ponder a mystery.  Think outside your box.  Share that word.  Feed your brain. Expand your mind.  Who knows …you might like it.
Till next time,
~Lover of Words

This post reminds me of a poem I wrote once called ‘My Muse, My Master, My Lover’

My Muse, My Master, My Lover

Swirling dreams and vain imaginations fill my mind, pierce my heart and tease my senses. When I think I have enough inspiration to dip my pen into the ethereal ink, my Muse assaults me.  I call it an assault, because it comes violently, suddenly, and overwhelms my sanity. My pen forgotten, my ink spilled.  I’m lost …yet I’m found.

Like warm hands on a cold night, my Muse reaches out and runs his fingers over my shoulder and down my arm, leaving a line of prickled goose bumps, and sending a shivering jolt through my center; my being.  No matter my intent, my will, my choice, my body betrays me and submits to the call of my Master.

Like a ray of sunshine after a torrential rain, my Muse kisses my brow, the tip of my nose, and then brushes my lips with his own, stirring my desires and inflaming my passions.  What once made rational sense, now seemed as compost; and the words of my Muse like a new dawn, a new day.

Like the birth of a brand new babe, after hours of hard labor, my Muse makes love to me, impregnates me and I conceive, giving new life to his gift. Plain black font transforms into golden swirls of tantalizing beauty; Words - the offspring of my Lover.

The dream clears and I pick up my pen, dipping into the remnants of spilled ink, place the sharpened tip to parchment and release the gift of my Muse, my Master, and my Lover.  I smile, for all is right in the world, and vain imaginations are now full of divine revelation. I write.

The Gray Lady

I never claim to have all the answers.  In fact, I often proclaim, quite loudly, that I don’t really know anything.  Because every time I think I begin to understand something, become confident of a certain outcome, get comfortable with  believing something will not change – it up and changes on me, disrupts my life, and messes with every piece of security I’ve tightly gripped.

I used to be so certain of things when I lived in my black and white box and held tightly to my concrete beliefs.  As long as I kept my eyes shut, I could pretend that I lived in a picture-perfect world.  As long as I shut my feelings off, I didn’t have to care.  I could continue to spend my time telling everyone else how they’re supposed to believe, react, and live.  As long as I led a crusade to save the world, no one could see me.  As long as I put duty and responsibility first, I’d be accepted, praised for my efforts,  and hailed a model of respect and dignity.  Never let them touch me. Never let them see my weaknesses, my fears, and especially my tears – not my real ones. That’s doubt.  There is no room for doubt in a black and white world, only certainty.

But I opened my eyes, and I pulled out the cotton from my ears, and then stepped out of the box and into a gray world. All I had known and had been certain crumbled along with the box I left behind.  There’s no going back.  With no sun to guide me, no signs to lead me, no mile markers to measure my distance as I wander aimlessly within this gray world.  Each step I take, I shed another layer of the disguise I had once worn.  I now walk naked, exposed, gray like the world that surrounds me.

I pass by many other boxes and peek inside them from time to time, witnessing the occupants like rats scurrying around as if they believed they were on a mission.  They’re hungry and they search for food, but they only have the four walls in which to explore. Their food is fed to them in a daily portion, yet they believe they found it through their own exploration and skill.   I’m hungry too, but within my gray world, I wonder if it’s truly open or just a bigger box?

I wish I had all the answers.  I wish those I’ve come to care for deeply didn’t vanish with the wind.  I wish families loved one another.  I wish people meant what they said, and did what they meant.  I wish fear didn’t rule so many lives. I wish there were no boxes. In this Gray land,  it strips us down to our essential selves, to our honest selves, to bone.  My skin melts away and I’ve exposed my heart and all that is on the inside.    From dust I was made, and unto dust I shall soon return.  Maybe then I’ll understand.  Maybe then God can breathe life into these dry bones



~Till next time,

The Gray Lady

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