Sawyer Paul's Blog, page 232
November 18, 2010
Haze
Texas Tornado is coming together in small, random chunks. My stories generally come to me in trailer form, which is convenient. But this one is coming like letters in a ransom note. I'm a little scared of it. For instance, I wrote this on the subway today. I'm not sure where it's supposed to go or which of my seven characters are speaking. But it definitely came from one of them.
When I can, I sometimes wonder if every mind is as clouded as mine. I don't think it can be true. How would we have come this far on this little? I feel I have little. My head is an empty room with a few small boxes half-filled with insignificant objects. Some of these objects flicker. Sometimes an object lights up, and I feel something resembling an impulsion. When I am hungry, I am only sort of so. When I am horny, I feel like I'm calling to myself from a hundred yards away in downtown traffic. I barely get the message. People can't feel like this all the time.I looked it up online. There's a few psychological problems that list haziness I'm the mind as a symptom. But I don't feel depressed or suicidal. I don't feel afraid of anything or anyone. I mostly just feel broken. I mostly just feel like an outdated and unfinished set of door-to-door encyclopedias.
I'm not good at any job. I've never worked at the same place for more than six months. Either I get fired or I quit. When i'm shown the door, poor performance is usually the reason. When I quit, it's because I've saved enough for two months of unemployment and I just don't see the point of doing the work anymore.
I like the Internet too much. I spend all day in front of my glowing rectangle. Sometimes I'll read the same story three times and still not remember it in a few hours. Ask the average person what they had for breakfast yesterday and they might not remember. I don't know where the last month went. I honestly can't account for the time. I waste my time how most teenagers blow through their first credit card. I don't want to be this wasteful. I'm sure I could contribute to society in some meaningful way, and I want to. But my mind is hazy. I can't get past the small room with the small objects. I know enough to know there's more, because I see people with more. I'm scared to death that the push to be something successful is nowhere inside me.
November 17, 2010
"We live in a society exquisitely dependent on science and technology, in which hardly anyone knows..."
- Carl Sagan (via crookedindifference)
November 16, 2010
Book(s) update
So you can count 2010 as another year where I've had every single intention of creating a really terrible zero draft of a book in November and then had the will of the universe put a stop to it. Last year it was a job thing. The year before that it was a personal thing. The year before that, I don't know, probably Twitter.
I will say I threw down a pretty great character graph, and I might take a sketch or two and add it to the pile of things I want to make into my next big project, Pilfer. Spoiler: it might not just be a book.
A Record Year For Rainfall is still coming, of course. All evidence of it on this blog has been erased for a very special reason. I want to make the lead-up for it really awesome. I think people are really going to love the book and I want it to have the best possible chance of success.
T-minus two weeks until the launch of the new Gredunza Blog, where I will be blogging about publishing on a regular again. I'm going to settle into a nice publication routine for a while. I have a book coming out this fall that most people won't care about, but the people who will, will.
