Joseph Mallozzi's Blog, page 503

April 23, 2012: The Supermovie of the Week Club reconvenes! Cookie Monster reviews Captain America (1990)!

From direktor of Kickboxer 4: De Aggressor and Nemesis III: Prey Harder and producer of Breakin’ 2: Elektrik Boogaloo and Super IV: Quest for Peace (uh oh) come Captain America, de greatest American hero since Superman.  Oh, and de Greatest American Hero.

Movie start in pre-WWII Italy.  Mussolini interrupt boy’s piano lesson. Boy forced to watch as family killed, den kidnapped, den experimented on.  Terruble ting to happen.  But still better den piano lesson.

He taken to sekret lab where Dr. Vasilivilivich turn him into superhuman monster dat look like a creepy red skull.  So, dey call him…

Red Rupert!

Only somebody in Hitler entourage already called Rupert and dis lead to confusion, so dey call him Red Skull instead.

No. Sorry. Your eyes were closed on dat one. Let's take another. Cheeeeeeze!

Red Skull become greatest Nazi villain in history!  Even tho, for some reazon, he Italian in dis movie.  But even tho he Italian, he not really sound Italian.  Sort of Cuban but not quite.  He sound….well, aktually, he sound like dis guy:

Anyway, Dr. Vasinovalich have second thoughtz and jump out window. Den run all de way to America where she defekt.  With her help, America create its own supersoldier: Captain America (aka Steve Rogers)!  Hurray!  But den nazi spy ruin festive mood by killing Dr. Visinvichelli.  Boo!  Buzzkill!

De good newz: You're a supesoldier. De bad newz: You have to wear dis stoopid costume.

Captain America have to stop nazis from launching rocket at White House.  He sent behind enemy lines – wearing bright blue costume. Fortunately, he also given camouflage suit – dat he immediately take off after he parashoot down.

Of course, he captured – and strapped to rocket.  Before he take off, he pull de olde “C’mere.  I want to tell you someting” and Red Skull fall for it.  Captain America grab him.  So heroic!  Red Skull panic!  Quick! What de first ting you do if someone grab your hand and try to take you on  a rocket ride?  Dat right!  You cut off YOUR OWN hand! Hmmmm.  And dis guy suppose to be Nazi genius?

Rocket fly all de way to America but, just in nick of time, Captain America kick it off course and it land in Alaska instead.  Luckily Germans only had de one rocket.  Young boy takes pickture of rocket flying by and shows it to friend.  Boy grows up to be prezident.  Friend grows up to be newspaper reporter.  Captain Amerika not grow up – just stay frozen in ice until…

Diskovered!  He break out of ice and run away!  It make de newz!

New-look Red Skull send bunch of bad guyz to track him down.  Not be outdone, prezident sends…his friend de reporter.

Either he new look Red Skull, or one of de Real Housewives of Orange County.

Captain America walk to Canada and – what a considents! – get picked up by reporter driving by.  But Cap not trust him and so, pull de olde: “Let’s get out of de car so I can run back in and drive away”.  So heroic!

Captain Amerika walk around Santa Monica.  Some kidz from Twisted Sister video ask him for change.  He scared by sight of woman in thong and run away.  So heroic!

Cap go to find his old love.  And she is.  Really old.  But perfekt skin. He tell her “Oh, well.  Not meant to be.”  (subtekst: Your daughter, Sharon, be veeeery hot!  She seeing anyone?”).

Red Skull’s daughter show up and kill reporter and old love.  Cap angry.  He team up with Sharon.  Dey locate Dr. Villisenovich diary and find out true identity of Red  Skull!  Captain America fight bad guyz and throw unarmed man down elevator shaft.  So heroic!

Oh, and U.S. Prezident kidnapped by Red Skull!

Travel to Rome.  Captain American pull de olde: “Hey, Sharon, get out of de car so I can drive away!”.  So heroic!  But Sharon catch up with him.  Cap ask Italian woman: “You speak English?”  She shake her head no.  So he start speaking to her in English anyway.  Until Sharon start to speak Italian.  ”Oh, you looking for crazy villain hideout?  Go down street, five blocks, den turn right.  It ominous castle on your left. You can’t miss it!”

Sharon captured (becuz she girl and saving Prezident not good enough for our hero).  But Prezident escape.  Nobody notice until dey unlock door and walk right inside cell – even tho dey can see it empty from de outside.  Prezident chased onto roof.  Red Skull planning to mind control him so he commit suicide by jumping.  BUT -

He caught and saved by Captain America who just happen to be climbing up dat side of fortress at dat exakt moment.  What perfekt timing!  Perfektly lame timing!

Super slapflight!

Cap and Prezident team up!  Sharon fight Red Skull’s daughter!  Red Skull have bomb!  But Captain Amerika have tape recording of Red Skull childhood piano lesson.  Bring back bad memories for Red Skull. Cap throw shield, knock Red Skull into water, and dekapitate Red Skull daughter.  So heroic!

Dis movie brought to you by de Environmental Protection Act of 1990.

Verdikt: Dis movie so lame, monster aktually feel sorry for people who made it.

Rating: 1 chocolate chippee pity cookie and one snickerdoodle loaded wit red, white and blue M&M’s.

Pleaze diskuss.

Next week:

 

Tagged: Captain America, Captain America (1990), Cooke Monster, Cookie Monster movie reviews, Cookie Monster reviews Captain America (1990), SuperMovie of the Week Club

April 22, 2012: Beta 5! A Top Chef contestant checks in! Switching over from horror to mini-series mode!

Akemi and I paid a follow-up visit to Beta 5, a bold new addition to the Vancouver chocolate scene.  Located in the out-of-the-way industrial area off Main Street (appropriately enough, on Industrial Avenue), the shop/factory offers up a variety of intriguing products, from bars to caramels, marmalade to caramelized Marcona almonds.

No seating, just a counter selection and a view of the chocolate-making process.

I picked up a chocolate selection for Akemi’s birthday and she was wowed by the expert thin shells.  For my part, I was bowled over by their bars.  The 63% dark + choconut granola and the 67% Dominican dark with cocoa nibs was particular stand-outs.

A little out of the way, but well worth the trip: BETA 5 (413 Industrial Avenue).

The marmalades make use of citrus from Rising C Ranches in Reedley, California. I was tempted by the seville orange and the meyer lemon. Maybe next time.

Almost finished the rewrite of the horror script.  I’ll give it one more read-through tomorrow, then send it on its way – after which I have to switch gears and start thinking about this mini-series.  We’re looking at 2 x 2 hours with a very tight delivery schedule.  Paul’s worried but I figure that if we can get together and bang out an outline by early next week, we’ll be in pretty good shape.  I mean, if i was able to write three SG-1 scripts in two weeks, I should be able to write the equivalent of four in eight.  Well, maybe more like six.

Back on April 10th, I wrote a blog post about macarons and complained about people who referred to “macarons” as “macaroons”.  I mentioned a recent episode of Top Chef Canada in which a competing chef won by making a macaron, which he referred to as a macaroon. Well, the other day, Curtis Luk, the competing chef in question (and a self-proclaimed food nerd according to his show bio), left a note in the comments section of that post in which he explained the circumstances of the macaron/macaroon perceived flub (check it out here: April 10, 2012: Getting my macaron fix! Full Preview Dark Matter #4!).  And, for the record, he’s a fan of Stargate but not such a big fan of macaroons. According to Curtis: “Also for the record I hate macaroons and given the choice I wouldn’t make them, unless someone pointed a staff weapon at me.”

If you haven’t watched the 1990 version of Captain America yet, please do so before tomorrow when our Superhmovie of the Week Club reconvenes and guest film critic Cookie Monster weighs in with his review.  From what I hear, it’s a doozy.

Tagged: Beta 5, Chocolate, Top Chef Canada

April 21, 2012: The Big Vancouver Fan Expo Report!

I was online yesterday, checking out the local weekend events, when I came across a report on Vancouver’s very first Fan Expo taking place this Saturday and Sunday at the downtown convention centre.  While in Toronto, I attended their annual Fan Expo and had a pretty good time walking the floor and tracking down a couple of Randy Bowen supervillain statues to add to my collection (August 27, 2011: Wvrst! Geek Fest!), so I figured this might be a great opportunity to locate some missing single issues in advance of my big reading projects (April 15, 2012: Project Thunderbolts! And others!).  ”Will we go to geek festival?”Akemi asked me this morning.  ”Sure,”I said.  Why not?

Akemi opts to go with the big purse in expectation of a big haul.

We drove down after lunch, parked, and then made our way on foot the three blocks down to the waterfront teeming with colorful characters.

Ms. Deadpool and Iron Man Jr. (that little scamp).

Um, not sure. Anyone care to enlighten me?

"What do you guys feel like? McDonalds or sushi?" "Let's go rob a bank instead!" "Oh, okay."

We quickened our pace.  We had a little under two hours of parking and a lot of ground to cover.  There was no time to waste.

BEGIN VANCOUVER FAN EXPO REPORT:

We approached one of the guys manning the doors and asked him where we could purchase tickets.  He informed us that the Expo was sold out that day.  Sold out?!  What the hell were they selling that could be “sold out”?  Space?  Really?  They’d sold so many tickets they risked contravening local fire regulations by selling anymore?  ”You’ll have to come back early tomorrow morning to make sure you get tickets,”he suggested.

Yes, I suppose I could do that.  Or, rather than pay for the privilege of buying something, I could simply save the $40 and spend it at Comic Con in July.

END VANCOUVER FAN EXPO REPORT!

 

Tagged: Vancouver Fan Expo

April 20, 2012: Cringeworthy moments!

Et tu, Poop-ay?

Cringeworthy moments.  You know what I’m talking about, those singular instances in your life – sometimes painful, sometimes embarrassing, always impossible to forget – that, when recalled, incite the sort of response commonly reserved for that part in the horror movie when the bad guy/monster/ghost/possessed grandmother crosses the line from horrifying to Oh-my-God-I-can’t-believe-they-just-did-that!  The mere recollection can cause you to wince, curl your toes or, in my case, force the thought from my head by humming an improvised tune.  It’s one of those moments in life that sears itself into your subconscious, forever threatening to rise to mind unannounced like some leviathan from the deeps or the chorus to Britney Spears’ Womanizer.

There was that time in high school I dropped off a jacket at the dry cleaner’s.  As I stepped through the front door, I was instantly smitten by the girl behind the counter.  She was gorgeous.  So gorgeous, in fact, that I was positively tongue-tied.  She prompted me for my name, the number of items I’d be dropping off.  With some effort, I was able to come up with answers to both questions – then even managed a little small talk.  Pleased with myself for laying the groundwork for a future relationship, I said goodbye and headed out.  I went to open the door.  It wouldn’t budge.  ”Excuse me,”I heard her say.  I pulled harder.  Still no go.  ”Excuse me,”she repeated.  The last thing I needed was instructions on proper door opening.  I pulled even harder.  Nope.  Then realized.  I pushed.  Ah!  ”Excuse me!”  I could ignore her no longer.  I glanced back, threw her a look as if to say: “Yeah, I got it.  Thanks.”  She pointed to the jacket I was still holding: “Uh, aren’t you going to leave that here?”.  ”Oh.  Oh, right.”  Every time I think of that moment, I cringe.

Or there was the time in elementary school where my gym class was setting up a trampoline.  As we were unfolding the apparatus to lock it into place, it sprang back and landed on my arm, snapping the bone in two places.  The palm of my hand was flattened against my wrist.  It was horrific.  And, every time I think of THAT moment, I cringe.

And then there was today when I was out for a walk with Bubba.  He did his business and I rewarded him with a treat.  I went to pick up his poop on the lawn, then turned to pick up a forlorn nugget sitting on the sidewalk – which he, for some reason, assumed was a treat I’d mistakenly dropped.  He moved lightning fast, snapping it up before I could reach it.  It took a couple of seconds for the realization to dawn at which point he dropped it, foaming at the mouth, and threw me a look that, I have no doubt, said: “Please, for goddsake, give me a treat so I can get the damn taste out of my mouth!”  Every time I think of THAT moment, I’ll cringe.

So, what about you?  Any cringeworthy moments you’d care to share?

April 19, 2012: 2001 – A Food Odyssey!

A couple of months ago, I was reconsidering this whole blog thing.  In truth, after 4+ years of daily blogging, I was thinking about calling it quits or, at the very least, scaling back.  I was on the fence and so, elected to look ahead to my next milestone post – the big 2-0-0-0.  I decided that once I reached 2000, I would sit back, take stock and choose: stop and call it a blog at an impressive 2000, or keep on going.

I thought about it.  Considered.  Reconsidered.  And then, yesterday, a clearly disappointed Akemi asked: “You’re not going to write about my birthday dinner?”

3000, here I come!

Last night, before heading out to dinner, Akemi and I shared a little pre-dinner appetizer/birthday gift: chocolates from Beta 5, a new chocolate shop here in Vancouver.  I think that Beta 5 deserves it’s own post so I’ll keep this brief: if you’re in town, go check them out.  It’s worth the trip.  They make a dark chocolate and cocoa nib bar that is nothing short of outstanding.  It now rivals Amedei Chuao as my favorite bar.

Akemi was very impressed with their chocolate assortment - the flavors, the quality of the chocolate but, most importantly, the expert-thin chocolate shells.

For dinner, we headed over to Campagnola: Roma to visit Akemi’s fave chef, Jane Cornborough.

Akemi impatiently awaits a night of pizza and pasta.

Sausage pizza with salsa verde, spicy/sweet/sour peppers, and an egg on top. Fantastic.

Risotto with caramelized onions and crispy provolone. Very good but we only ate half figuring we would pace ourselves. As it so happened, the risotto was completely outshined by the...

Spaghetti Pomodoro with basil. Wow. This one reminded me of my favorite Toronto pasta: Scarpetta's spaghetti with tomato and basil. Simple, perfectly cooked, but incredibly flavorful.

Akemi awaits dessert.

Cha-daa! Birthday tiramisu!

The meal has ended. Sad Usagi makes an appearance.

We’ll be seeing Chef Jane again very soon.  She’s agreed to prepare a 5-course Akemi birthday meal at our place next week.

Today, I was downtown where I met up with blog regular, gforce, for a mini Vancouver culinary tour-de-force.  We hit three food trucks and two macaron shops.  Not bad for a rookie.

We started off at the Kaboom Box. He had the salmon sandwich, I went with oyster po'boy.

Then, over to Japa Dog. He had the teri-mayo (kurobuta pork with mayo and seaweed) while I went with the Okonomi.

Then it was over to the Ursu Korean Barbecue for chicken tacos.

The secret is to keep moving, even when you’re eating.  Burn off the calories as quickly as you consume, then start again from 0 at the next stop.

Our fist macaron stop: Bel Cafe. Then we headed over to Soirette for round two.

Once we were done, we met up with Akemi (who bowed out because she was still full from last night). Referring to Gary - "He's very nice,"she said. "A good listener." Apparently, he hears that all the time.

Thanks to Gary for coming out this afternoon.  And an extra special thanks for suggesting the title for today’s blog entry.

Finally, tonight, we met up with Rob and his date (his daughter) for dinner at the Oakwood Bistro…

Gasp! We're eating again?!

The kale salad.

The smoked brisket poutine.

My tuna main.

Rob gave me the update on his various projects on-the-go. There was one series idea he told me about that I loved so much I already requested a seated in the writers' room.

Fact: Desserts taste better in jars.

How's this for a capper? Rob's daughter totally makes me look like bad by presenting Akemi with her own homemade birthday card.

And tomorrow I go in for my annual physical.  Talk about terrible timing.  I can just imagine the results of the blood test: “I’m sorry, Mr. Mallozzi.  I’m not sure sure how to tell you this but, according to these test results, you passed away three months ago.”

April 18, 2012: Happy 2000th! And Happy Birthday Akemi!

The Writing Process I. Many ask: "How do you do it? How do you manage to find something to write about every day?". Well, it takes a lot of thought and equal parts determination.

The Writing Process II. Frustration is simply another step in getting it done. Failure is not an option. You just have to push through.

The Writing Process III. And, when all else fails, steal from the best.

This entry marks my 200th consecutive blog post.  Yes, what began as a simple travel journal over four years ago has flourished into this unduly verbose everything-you-wanted-to-know-about-me-and-then-some collection of thoughts, essays, rants, and pictures of my dogs. And, over the course of those 4+ years, this blog has become a  typical part of my daily routine, as customary as eating, showering, and getting annoyed with someone over some perceived slight.

Some of the productions I've occasionally mentioned on this blog include this one.

This one.

And this one.

So what’s the deal?  How do I do it?  What drives me to write a (debatably) semi-interesting post ever twenty-four hours or so?  Well, there’s the fact that I make my living as a writer and this blog affords me the opportunity to hone my craft.  And there’s the loyal readership I’ve built that has come to depend on my incoherent movie reviews, suspect food photography, and rants on the sheer impossibility of eating a mango.  And there’s this blog’s ability to  update friends and family on what I’ve been up to of late, obviating the need for me to pick up the phone and tell them myself – or be drawn into idle conversation.  And, most important of all, it just helps to be somewhat obsessive-compulsive.

Akemi says: "Uh, aren't you forgetting something?" Oh. Right! Happy Birthday!

Coincidentally, this blog shares a birthday with Akemi.  Tonight, we celebrate both in fine style with dinner, chocolate, and the latest episode of Survivor.  Romantic, no?  How are the rest of you celebrating?

So, looking back over these 2000th posts, is there one that stands out?  This one - May 12, 2011: Stargate: Universe, Beyond Season 2! What Might Have Been!?  This one - September 30, 2008: An AU Season 6!?  This one - June 12, 2011: Bubba update! Ivon Bartok hits Banff! Woofstock! Pugs eating ice cream! Mailbag!?  Or this one - December 26, 2006?  Do tell.

Thanks to the gang at WordPress for offering up such a great venue, to all of you out there who have taken the time to read these endless entries, and, of course, my dogs who continue to be good sports about having their potentially embarrassing pictures posted here on this blog. Today’s 2000th blog entry is dedicated to blog regulars cherluvya and dasndanger, both of who have been going through a rough time of late.

April 17, 2012: Al-most there! Things that have been getting on my nerves lately…

Soooooo annoyed.

This will apparently mark my 1999th consecutive blog entry.  And, should everything go as planned, I’ll upload my 2000th entry tomorrow.  The milestone will happen to coincide with another notable occasion: Akemi’s birthday.  Akemi will celebrate by attending her English classes all afternoon.  I’ll (hopefully) be finishing my final (for now) pass on my horror script and then switching gears to continue brainstorming that mini-series Paul and I are poised to write (provided we can close our deal).  Looks like it’s going to be a busy May-June, but I’d still like to get away for a weekend – maybe Vegas, maybe San Fran.  Of course, we have to sort out Akemi’s visa situation before we can travel.  I expect we’ll hear word within the next couple of months after which it’ll be smoooooth sailing (or flying – direct to Vegas).

To those asking, I’ve yet to hear back from the Seattle Pug Rescue.  As some of you may know, I filled out an application a couple of weeks ago and am looking at adopting these two needy old-timers:

Buddy and Junior

They haven’t gotten back to me yet.  I’ll give it another week, then follow up.

Not sure why (Or, rather, I’m not sure which of the reasons why.  It’s probably all of them combined.) but I’ve been unusually cranky recently.  So I’d like to take a moment to list some of the things that have been annoying me of late:

My tooth.  I think I may have lost a filling.

FIFA.  After years of resisting change, those fossils at FIFA have finally agreed to test and introduce a “new technology that uses missile-grade precision sensors or a magnetic field to assist the officials”.  I’ve always wondered why professional sports couldn’t make use of tech, similar to that used by retailers, to ensure more games didn’t hinge on “some guy getting it right”.  Whether it’s a ball or puck crossing a line or thief leaving store premises with a stolen item, there’s a way to know that doesn’t rely on a judgment call – or the need to go upstairs for a time-consuming review.  FIFA, welcome to the 21st century: FIFA: Goal-line technology tests this month

The Monsanto Company.  Oh, where to begin?  Start here: “The world’s 10 most unethical companies | The Search Office Space Blog”  Then here: The World according to Monsanto  Then here: “Monsanto Sues Milk Producer For Advertising It Sells Hormone-Free Milk”  And here: “The wasteland: how years of secret chemical dumping left a toxic legacy”  And here: “Monsanto fined $1.5m for bribery”

Any Canadian-produced series on the Food Network with the exception of Eat Street, Chuck’s Day Off, and Dinner Party Wars.

Any book in the “recommended” section at your local bookstore.  I’m sorry, Heather.  You have terrible taste in novels.

The Boston Bruins

The Detroit Red Wings

People you’ve supported in the past who don’t return the favor.

Annual physicals.

Restaurants that put alfalfa sprouts on their burgers (Yes, Oakwood Bistro, I’m talking about you).

Understaffed restaurants whose wait staff present you with the bill before asking you whether you’d like to order dessert (Yes, Bel Cafe, I’m talking about you).

Home repairs.

The big dog across the street that barks every time my dogs step out the front door.  The other day, she came charging across the street to confront my dogs sitting behind our front gate.  His owner apologized. “She’s never done that before.”  And probably won’t again if he has enough sense to put her on a leash.

Waiting.

Overly-enthusiastic salespeople who “LOVE YOU IN THIS” and “LOVE YOU IN THAT”!  I remember going suit shopping with Paul back in our college days.  ”This suit would look great on you!”one saleswoman assured Paul.  ”I’m not wearing a pink suit,”he informed her.  ”It’s not pink,”she corrected him, borderline offended.  ”It’s salmon!”  Oh.  Okay then.

Superhero movies of the 70′s, 80′s, and 90′s.

*I reserve the right to expand on this list in the coming days.

Tagged: Things that annoy me

April 16, 2012: The Supermovie of the Week Club Reconvenes! Cookie Monster reviews Darkman!

In his most understated performance since role of Rob Roy in movie me can’t remember name of, Liam Neeson play part of brilliant doctor who invent sintetic skin (lucky ) but not having much success perfekting formula (unlucky ) but have beautiful girlfriend (lucky ) who about to blow whistle on her crooked boss (unlucky ) but it seem as tho her boss not mind (lucky ) except he tip off gangsterz who wreck Dr. Shindlerz lab and blow it up (unlucky ) but he survive (lucky ) but badly burnt (unlucky ) but superstrong (lucky ) but also crazy (unlucky ) but become superhero (lucky ) which make dis teknickally a movie monster have to review (unlucky ).

Movie start wit gangster, Mr. Durant, and his men who show up at warehouse to meet wit other ganster.  Dey have gunz taken away and surrounded.  But den – surprize! – one of Durantz men has machinegun hidden in wooden leg (lucky ).  But dey surrounded by armed gansterz (unlucky ) who all terruble shots (lucky ).

Durant very scary guy.  He collect fingerz just like Grover great grandfather use to collect ears of fraggles dat try to escape Fraggle Rock.

Meanwhile, Dr. Shindler working in lab.  Make sweet love to girlfriend. He tell her he want to get married.  Monster tink: Uh oh!  In moviez, next to being two days away from retirement, nothing doom someone faster den getting married.  In real life of course, it all alone in first place.

Soooo happy. Nothing could ruin dis moment. Not counting being elektrokuted, burned, drowned, blowed up and horrubly disfigured.

Girlfriend find incriminating paper linking her boss to organized crime (of course organized becuz dey keep everyting on file).  What she going to do?  Give a reporter anonimous tip?  Deliver dokument to police? Nah.  Go to her boss and tell him.  Mebbe he has good explanashun.

Durant and co. It better to be lucky dan smart.

She confront boss.  He say don’t worry about it.  And he right.  She not have to worry.  Only Dr. Shindler have to worry when gangsterz show up at his lab looking for dokument.  He beaten up.  Elektrokuted. Burnt in chemikal bath.  Blown up in lab.  And end up in bay where he drown – for good meazure.

But he survive (lucky but horrubly disfigured (unlucky ) and end up in burn unit (lucky where staff not really caring (unlucky ) but do experimental treatment dat sever nerve endingz so he feel no pain (lucky ) but proseedure drive him crazy (unlucky ) but give him super strength (lucky ).  He eskape!  Now look like homeless love child of Elefant Man and Phantom of de Opera.

He dere...De Elefant Man of de Opera!

He set up lab in abandoned faktory.  Spy on his girlfriend who now dating boss.  Den, start to take revenge on gangsterz.  He capture Sam Raimi brother and stick him up out of manhole so 18 wheeler can play whack a mole wit him.  He use his perfekted sintetic skin to disguize hisself as gangsterz.  He talk to himself A LOT!

Finally, he use sintetic skin to disguise himself as…himself.  Old himself and show up at cemetary.  Surprize girlfriend.  Den go for coffee.  He want to tell her de truth but too scared.

"What if I was horrubly scarred?" "I dunno. Why you ask?" "Oh, no reazon.".

Dey go to amuzement park.  He win fluffy prize but carny tell him to get lost.  Dr. Shindler go crazy and beat up carny in feel-good moment. Den run away.  Girlfriend follow him back to hideout – dat conveniently located very close (unless dey edit out part where he take crosstown bus).  He tell her to go away.  She does.  Den come back – with gangsterz who follow her!

Hideout blow up!  Shooting!  Helicopterz explode!  Durant die!  Or does he….?

Yep.  He dead.

Disguized as Durant, he show up at construction site where…girlfriend boss has girlfriend (lucky .  But boss see thru disguize (unlucky ).

No so fast dere, Dr. Shindler.

Fight!  Boss is terruble shot with nail gun.  Misses and ends up hanging from girder.  What our hero going to do?  ”You wouldn’t,”say boss.

“Why de hell not?”me tink.  He kill everyone else.  What make you so speshul?

Turn out boss not so speshul after all.

Our hero leave girlfriend behind to return to de night as… Darkman!

Verdikt: Dis movie cheezier den Oscar de Grouch crosstrainerz.

Rating: 6 out of 10 chocolate chippee cookies.

Darkman movie over (lucky ).  Now monster have to watch Captain America (1990) for next week (unlucky )

Tagged: Cookie Monster, Cookie Monster reviews Darkman, Darkman, SuperMovie of the Week Club

April 15, 2012: Project Thunderbolts! And others!

It looks like the mini-series gig is a go.  First thing tomorrow morning, Paul and I will have a conference call with the studio execs to discuss the concept after which we’ll get started on the outline for “big event” story.  We’ll hammer those out, get the approvals, move onto the script and then it’ll be smooooooooth sailing.  Also on deck this week: a rewrite of my horror script, my annual physical (I’ve already started my daily oatmeal breakfasts), taxes, a Dark Matter follow-up, and a little something we like to call “Akemi’s birthday”.

Soon-to-be birthday gal, out and about with the dogs this weekend.

In addition to those work-related projects, I’m also planning to pull the trigger on a few other recreational projects as well.  A couple of weeks ago, I was going through the endless boxes in the crawlspace and came across my enormous comic collection.  Wow.  I didn’t realize (or simply forget) how far back those individual title runs reach.  The original Avengers (vol. 1) from issue #8 to around #217 (minus #75), Giant Size X-Men #1 (the intro of the new team) to #300 (or so), the entire run of the Thunderbolts (minus an issue here or there).  I’ve set out to fill the missing slots, either with single back issues or trade paperback/hardcover collections.  Once they’re complete, I’m going to dedicate a month to a different trip down memory lane with an uninterrupted reading of each title.  In addition to a few other similar projects.

PROJECT THUNDERBOLTS

Reading run: From #1 to the latest issue (around #175).

One of about a half dozen properties to influence Dark Matter, but the only one from the comic book realm, I remember loving this series about a most unlikely and reluctant group of anti-heroes.

PROJECT AVENGERS

Reading run: #1 to – oh, I don’t know.  Around #200.  My interest fizzled soon after the Korvac Saga ended.

Roxxon Oil, the Serpent Crown, Count Nefaria, Agent Gyrich – boy, this really takes me back.  My first and favorite title.

PROJECT SPIDERMAN

Reading run: #1 to – I don’t know.  Sometime before the proliferation of the other Spider titles and their frustrating crossovers.

I wasn’t  a huge Spiderman fan growing up but my friends were and certain seminal stories – the death of Gwen Stacy, the introduction of the Punisher, Hammerhead crashing Aunt May and Doc Ock’s island wedding – were must-reads back in the day.

PROJECT DAREDEVIL

Reading run: #1 to now.

This is one title I came late to but loved the various runs I’ve read: Bendis, Brubaker, and now, Waid.  Finding those missing issues could be a problem though.

PROJECT FANTASTIC FOUR

Reading run: #1 to – hmmm.  Not sure.  This one will be dictated by what back issues are available – and the book’s ability to retain my interest.

To be honest, I was more of a Ben Grimm – which is why I actually collected Marvel-Two-in-One featuring The Thing rather than the Fantastic Four.  But this is Marvel history so, I figure, must-reading.

PROJECT UNCANNY X-MEN

Reading run: From when I started reading way back when, Giant Size X-Men #1 to – again, I’m not sure.  I lose interest when Storm starting sporting that mohawk so probably somewhere around there.

PROJECT ASTERIX AND OBELIX

Reading run: All 34 books in the series in the original French.

My high school French teacher introduced us to adventures of Asterix and Obelix.  I’ve re-read the first couple of books but need to fill some holes in the collection before sitting down to the full run.

PROJECT GET SMART

Watching run: The entire television series.

Of all the shows I watched growing up, Get Smart has held up the best to repeated viewings and the scrutiny of adult viewer me. Strange, silly, and still very funny.

Did I leave anything out?  Yeah, probably.  I didn’t include any DC titles although Justice League of America may eventually find its way onto this list.  Batman seems like an obvious choice but I wouldn’t know where to begin.  Alternate, the Batman television series could be a candidate as well.  Seinfeld, The Flintstones, the Flash comic book series up until Mark Waid left – yep, them as well.

Hmmm.  Looks like a busier-than-expected 2012.  I may have to seriously reconsider taking on anymore writing work.

Tagged: Asterix, Asterix and Obelix, Avengers, Daredevil, Fantastic Four, FF, Get Smart, Spiderman, The Amazing Spiderman, The Avengers, The Fantastic Four, The Thunderbolts

April 12, 2012: Garvige Day! Things Japanese! Mailbag!

"Garvige day?"I asked.  "What's garvige day?"

"Gar-vige,"Akemi enunciated for me.  "Garvige day."

"You mean garbage day,"I said.

"Yes,"she confirmed as if that's what she'd been saying all along.  "Garvige day.  Why?  How do you spell it?"

"G-A-R-B-A-G-E".  I said the letters aloud as I wrote them in big block letters on the piece of paper.

She gave the word a quizzical stare and then, brow furrowed: "Gar-ba-ge-jy."

"No.  Garbage."

She threw me a suspicious sideways look as though I was trying to pull one over on her: "That's not gar-bage.  That's gar-ba-jy."

I assured her: "No.  That's garbage."

She gave an exasperated sigh.  "I don't know.  English so mysterious for me."

And yet, even though she's continually frustrated in her attempts to master the language, she's come a long way from our first date when she could barely speak it at all.  Today, she can converse freely and is easily understood.  Sure, she makes the occasional mistakes and is baffled by the intricacies of the grammar – but, in all fairness, so am I (as I immediately discovered when she asked me to explain the rules of my mother tongue).  All this in contrast to me whose Japanese hasn't progressed past the verbal skills of a polite Japanese three year old boy.  On the bright side, my hiragana and katakana has improved, meaning I can now read most of a Japanese menu – although it would admittedly take me the better part of the day to do it.

Still, we're both trying.  Every day, I drop her off downtown where she takes one or two classes (conversation, listening, idiom), then head back home to study a chapter from my Japanese language book and translate two pages of manga.  I'm about to finish my first book (Baby, Please Kill Me) so Akemi surprised me with two new mangas -

Gintama on the left and, on the right, strangely, some girl's Japanese baseball series.

Speaking of Gintama, we cap off every night by watching an episode of one of the most outrageously entertaining anime out there.  The nightly screenings help me improve my listening skills while also educating me to the nuances of Japanese culture…

We're a mere 95 episodes in with another 150+ to go.  I take the occasional break to check out other anime shows as well.  We watched the horror-themed, Another.  While effectively creepy, suspenseful and engaging, I felt it ultimately collapsed under the weight of its own overly-complicated internal logic.

Mighty visceral and quite gory.  It reminded me of Gantz and Elfen Lied, two other titles I greatly enjoyed.  I'm also halfway through another reputedly graphic series, Deadman Wonderland, but have been disappointed with the heavy censorship.  Some scenes are so dark it's impossible to make out what's happening.  Disappointing.

Thanks to everyone who has weighed in with their book recommendations.  Keep 'em coming!

Mailbag:

BoltBait writes: "Joe, what do you think of a story like this?  http://www.forbes.com/sites/larryolmsted/2012/04/12/foods-biggest-scam-the-great-kobe-beef-lie/  Is traveling to Japan to have real Kobe beef worth the trip?"

Answer: Thanks for the link.  A great read.  I look forward to the next installment.  Yes, I've noticed a discernible difference between the "kobe beef" they serve in North America and the real kobe beef.  Is the real stuff work the trip?  Well, let's put it this way.  After tasting kobe beef for the first time in Tokyo, I was unable to eat regular North American steak for years.

jerem writes: "1) It is possible to see one day, Dark Matter in France?

2) Any revelation planned by Robert Cooper or Brad Wright, concerning the end of the arc story of SGU? How it should be end?"

Answer: 1) I believe you can get a digital copy here: Store | Dark Horse Digital Comics

2) Not that I know of.  Given the opportunity, however, I'm sure they would love to deliver their big reveal.  All they need is the green light from MGM.

Kathode writes: "Have you done a carrot ice cream?"

Answer: Not yet.  Great idea though.

cwilmanbunge writes: "Not that this isn't cool, but is there at least a graphic novel for what the Atlantis movie would have been about, and SGU as well?"

Answer: In my upcoming visit with MGM, I'll make it a point to ask them about the script for the Atlantis movie.

SISI writes: "Did you ever read Ready Player One?"

Answer: No but it is on my pick-up list.

Lewis writes: "Do any of them prefer any of the superhero flicks that Cookie has been watching?"

Answer: So far, no.  I have high hopes for Dark Man.

Tagged: Anime, Japanese