Nigel Quinlan's Blog, page 15
August 9, 2023
i have to admit it’s a pretty scene. the steam and light coming off the pool water lands on the…
so while i was writing the book, i became violently suicidal.
this was mostly due to the fact that i had a very bad reaction to some meds and my brain stopped producing any serotonin. also i was in the last semester of grad school where it’s actually illegal to feel anything but dread. so it wasn’t going well.
somewhere in the fog of it i became aware i needed help. nobody was taking clients or my insurance. i didn’t want to do inpatient care - it wasn’t right for my needs. there’s not really an “in between” stage between “inpatient” and “no care,” but i was trying to do the right thing. i was trying to activate the chain of command that was my emergency plan. i knew i needed help now.
i used betterhelp.
i know, i know. i’m a straight-A student and so smart and so clever, how could i ever use something so blatantly bad. to be honest with you, i didn’t feel particularly keen on it from the getgo - things that seem too good to be true usually are. also, if something online is free, the price is usually your privacy.
the thing is that there was kind of a global pandemic happening at the time and i worked 5 jobs alongside of being a fulltime student and also like writing a book on the side. it is a miracle that i even thought about getting help. i would love to tell you i had the mental wherewithal to like, process whether this was the right choice for me. mostly i was desperate. i was so suicidal that i was trying to find a reason to stay inside of fortune cookies. i was the kind of suicidal that looks like splatterpaint. i hadn’t been that bad in an entire decade.
they took my data. i gave them it freely. somewhere out there, they have a dossier on me. on everything i survived. my story in little datapoints, scattergraphed beautifully.
the first woman told me that really i should be grateful, because (and this is a direct quote): “at least you’re not anne frank.” i said that i felt that statement was antisemitic, as anne frank’s life and experience shouldn’t be compared to like, a nonbinary lesbian in western massachusetts. the therapist said that i should try to use lucid dreaming to try to picture myself in an actually scary situation, like running from nazis.
i applied for another therapist. i was willing to accept the possibility that there was a bad apple in the bunch. the next therapist and i even laughed about how inappropriate that statement was. and then, in our next session: the new therapist said if i was struggling with body image issues, i should just work harder on my appearance. she spent 3 sessions in a row talking about how she was grieving, and made me memorize facts about her grandmother so “she can live on through my clients.”
i am a three’s-a-charm kind of person. okay, so what if the last person made me uncomfortable. i figured it was just a misunderstanding of priorities - she had felt she was sharing with me, i had felt like i had to take care of her. i applied for another therapist.
the last woman asked me to help her pray. she bowed her head. i stared at her, frozen, while she said: lord, i beg you: cure her. take the pain of being gay away from her.
i spent somewhere between 2.5 and 3 months on betterhelp. in that whole time, i was not getting the professional help i so desperately needed, even though i was fucking trying.
in the end, i survived this because i finally could get off the meds that were literally killing me. a request for a real therapist finally went through. i survived because my friends saved my life. because nick let me sob myself dry in his arms. because maddie took the razors out of my room when i asked them to. because grace slept over in my bed for like 3 weeks in a row since nobody trusted me not to hurt myself when i was alone. i survived because i got fucking lucky. because even when i was desperately suicidal, i was too old and too self-aware to take “you need to be prettier” as good advice.
the thing is that there’s a 19 year old me who isn’t like that. who would have heard “just think about how grateful you should be” and said - oh, i see. i would have assumed that is what it means to be in therapy: the same thing my abusers used to tell me. that i am just pretending and lazy. that i am ugly and unworthy.
betterhelp positioned itself to take advantage of an incredibly vulnerable community. it preys on desperation. it knows it is serving people who are not doing well mentally. it saw that there is a huge need for real, immediate, compassionate mental health care: and then it fucking takes your money and privacy.
i still get their ads on instagram. last night i watched as a woman in a pool pretends to talk to a different woman. they discuss her anxiety.
there’s a 19 year old version of me, and she didn’t survive this. she was too tired, and drowning. i almost fucking died. this thing almost fucking killed me.
in the ad, the woman playing the therapist takes a note on a clipboard and then nods once, sagely.
i have to admit it’s a pretty scene. the steam and light coming off the pool water lands on the actresses. like this, it almost looks baptismal, holy.
Oh, I love this an inordinate amount.
Oh, I love this an inordinate amount.
This guy covers children’s songs in the style of various artists, and he’s incredible.
I’m weirdly emotional about it?
This is amazing!
This is the exact opposite energy of the “what happens after the camera cuts and you’ve destroyed you labtop for 5 seconds of entertainment”
This guy not only wrote a whole song but dressed up and FILMED it! For what! For 1 and a half seconds of MY entertainment! That must have been HOURS of shooting and editing! I’m touched, this is art
I feel it’s important you all know this is actually a group of five dads, and they started this as a way to entertain their kids. The bands on the band wheel are their favorite bands, while the songs on the songs wheel are their kids’ favorite songs.
prismatic-bell:
nitrogennightmare:
thisdiscontentedwinte...
Oh, I love this an inordinate amount.
This guy covers children’s songs in the style of various artists, and he’s incredible.
I’m weirdly emotional about it?
This is amazing!
This is the exact opposite energy of the “what happens after the camera cuts and you’ve destroyed you labtop for 5 seconds of entertainment”
This guy not only wrote a whole song but dressed up and FILMED it! For what! For 1 and a half seconds of MY entertainment! That must have been HOURS of shooting and editing! I’m touched, this is art
I feel it’s important you all know this is actually a group of five dads, and they started this as a way to entertain their kids. The bands on the band wheel are their favorite bands, while the songs on the songs wheel are their kids’ favorite songs.
July 10, 2023
This is wholesome and pure and transcends mortality.
Sharing the secrets of your hearth with strangers who will never be able to meet or thank you. Honoring the dead through learning their traditions of the home; emulation and exaltation. A good carrot cake.
This is wholesome and pure and transcends mortality.
fieldbears:
only-tiktoks:
Sharing the secrets of your he...
Sharing the secrets of your hearth with strangers who will never be able to meet or thank you. Honoring the dead through learning their traditions of the home; emulation and exaltation. A good carrot cake.
This is wholesome and pure and transcends mortality.
July 8, 2023
February, 1994: The New Zealand government’s official Wizard is invited by the Mayor of Tamworth,…
February, 1994: The New Zealand government’s official Wizard is invited by the Mayor of Tamworth, Australia to perform a rain dance (approved by the local Aboriginal Commission) in an attempt to break the region’s ongoing drought.
The Wizard travels to Australia on a special passport provided by the British High Commission stamped “The Wizard of New Zealand”, over concerns that his claim he is ‘not subject to mortal laws’ may cause issues at immigration.
Three days after his dance, the town was inundated with rain, with the wizard reporting that the subsequent flooding “produced many letters of complaint”.
Following his success, the Wizard announced he would be staking claim to the title of “Wizard of Oz”.
Follow for more Batshit Moments in Australian Politics
I have heard accounts of this before, but never seen the majesty of the dance and accompanying ritual.
Follow for more Batshit Moments in Australian Politics
February, 1994: The New Zealand government’s official Wizard is invited by the Mayor of Tamworth, Australia to perform a rain dance (approved by the local Aboriginal Commission) in an attempt to break the region’s ongoing drought.
The Wizard travels to Australia on a special passport provided by the British High Commission stamped “The Wizard of New Zealand”, over concerns that his claim he is ‘not subject to mortal laws’ may cause issues at immigration.
Three days after his dance, the town was inundated with rain, with the wizard reporting that the subsequent flooding “produced many letters of complaint”.
Following his success, the Wizard announced he would be staking claim to the title of “Wizard of Oz”.
Follow for more Batshit Moments in Australian Politics
I have heard accounts of this before, but never seen the majesty of the dance and accompanying ritual.
sophiamcdougall:
batshit-auspol:
February, 1994: The New...
February, 1994: The New Zealand government’s official Wizard is invited by the Mayor of Tamworth, Australia to perform a rain dance (approved by the local Aboriginal Commission) in an attempt to break the region’s ongoing drought.
The Wizard travels to Australia on a special passport provided by the British High Commission stamped “The Wizard of New Zealand”, over concerns that his claim he is ‘not subject to mortal laws’ may cause issues at immigration.
Three days after his dance, the town was inundated with rain, with the wizard reporting that the subsequent flooding “produced many letters of complaint”.
Following his success, the Wizard announced he would be staking claim to the title of “Wizard of Oz”.
Follow for more Batshit Moments in Australian Politics
I have heard accounts of this before, but never seen the majesty of the dance and accompanying ritual.
July 3, 2023
June 21, 2023
Description: [A video of a woman riding a galloping horse bareback while holding a large rainbow…
Description: [A video of a woman riding a galloping horse bareback while holding a large rainbow flag.]
i felt like these tags really added to the experience, thanks @cynderxdustypaws for your knowledge
