Michael Estrin's Blog, page 28
June 9, 2015
Canine gender bias
A neighbor suggests I dye my dog’s hair pink.
“Just highlights,” she says.
“Yeah, I don’t think he’d like that,” I say.
“Oh… It’s a he. Then blue.”
I want to tell her to check her canine gender bias, but Morty delivers his own answer by peeing right next to her car.
June 1, 2015
Bad back
The guy ahead of me in line walks up to the counter at the drug store. The cashier asks if he can reach down and pick up a basket the previous customer left behind.
“I’d get it myself, but…”
“Are you serious? I’m literally buying this because I have a bad back.”
“Oh. Ok. Never mind…”
“No. I’m going to do it!”
The man shifts his weight, begins to stretch.
“I’m just building up to it,” he says.
The man starts a deep breathing exercise, pitching slightly forward and down with each exhale.
The cashier gives me a look that either says “WTF” or “Can you pick up the basket?” I go with the latter and pick up the basket.
The customer says thanks, warns us both to “never get a bad back,” pays, and leaves.
The cashier rings me up and says, “I think he was faking.”
“How do you know?”
“Trust me. I can tell when someone is trying to get out of doing something.”
May 31, 2015
Is it funny yet?
The original title was “Is it funny yet?” The editors at Narratively thought “I took the leap into marriage — and landed in the shallow end” worked better. [Link].
May 28, 2015
May 26, 2015
Steve and Buddy
The barista says there’s a dog outside by the name of Steve.
“Funny thing is, the dog’s owner is named Buddy,” the barista says with a smile. “That always cracks me up.”
He takes my order. When he asks for my name, I tell him it’s for “Michael, the human.”
The barista doesn’t laugh, so I make a mental note to send my dog in to order next time.
Family plan
“Somebody is going to have to take the hit,” the customer service rep explains at the Sprint Store. “It’s going to be him, you, or mom.”
He is a 40-something rocker dude. He’s still got the tats — an overlay of his skeleton from the tips of his fingers to his elbows and a dragon clawing its way up his neck. But he’s given up the cool kicks for New Balance. He likes his phone and his plan.
She is his girlfriend. She continuously sips from an empty Starbucks cup. Several times she jumps off her stool and runs behind the counter. Her plan costs too much, her phone is unreliable, and she “can’t live without” her phone.
Mom is out of the picture. She shares a family plan with her daughter, who can’t decide who is going to take the hit when the three of them move to a new family plan.
The decision is driving him crazy. He’s bouncing up and down like he has to pee, but he doesn’t have to pee, it’s just such a big decision, and they’ve been at it for twenty minutes, and he just can’t take it any longer.
He rests his head on her shoulder. She comforts him, keeps debating her options.
He jumps up, says he needs a slice of pizza.
She calls her mom, explains their options.
He returns with pizza and Subway. The pizza is for her, he says.
“But I want Subway,” she says. “It’s healthier.”
The both want to be the martyr. She wins, eats the pizza. He can’t take it anymore, says he’s going outside.
Through the glass, I see him sit in a handicapped space and eat his 6-inch sub.
She talks it over with the customer service rep.
“We’re going to think about it and come back,” she says.
End all, be all
She says she wasn’t “that wasted” at dinner because she “only” had four glasses of wine.
Her friend gives her a sympathetic look. “You had a rough weekend,” she says. “It was like the end all, be all for you two.”
Perhaps that went too far, so the friend corrects. “I mean, it doesn’t have to be the end all for you and him, but it probably was the be all for you guys.”
“I just wish I could remember everything I said,” she responds. “Those cocktails after dinner were strong.”
And this is the exact moment when the conversation turns into a lengthy discussion about how it was that the first woman’s boyfriend — perhaps ex boyfriend now — got those tampons “so far up his nose” at their best friend’s wedding.
May 18, 2015
High on reading
Sitting across from the Barnes & Noble display of books about marijuana, you hear and see some stuff.
One man has his nose buried in a pot cookbook. He can’t/won’t stop giggling.
Two tourists shriek, “Only in California!” They take several selfies.
Another tourist walks by and says California is “going to pot.” He’s quite amused with himself; the man reading the cookbook stops laughing.
Two young women walk by. One of them yells, “STOP!” She points at the display and says, “LOVE, LOVE, LOVE.” Her friend agrees: “totally.”
Another guy wants to know why Snoop Dog’s book isn’t there.
An older woman discreetly thumbs through another cookbook. She takes it to the register.
All this goes down in the five minutes it took me to check my email.
May 16, 2015
Because you’re wearing red
A man asks me where he can find an iPad case. He describes the product in some detail and tells me he looked where they keep the iPad cases. He’s about to tell me how he saw it on some show (he can’t remember the name), when I look up from my phone and say, “I don’t work here.”
Suddenly, it dawns on him. Not everyone who wears red at Target works there.
May 15, 2015
Mad knowledge
The barista asks the man in front of me if he has plans for tonight.
He explains that a buddy just got divorced, so they’re hitting the strip clubs. She has recommendations by location, club, and even individual dancers.
“You’re amazing,” the man says. “You know everything.”
When I order, I discover that the barista’s knowledge, while deep, is somewhat limited. She asks if I have any plans.
“Going to see Mad Max.”
She looks confused. So I explain the franchise. Just the basics like Max, the post apocalyptic wasteland, the ayatollah of rock n rolla, thunderdome, etc.
“Wait,” she says. “Is this a movie?”
“Yes.”
“Oh, I just thought you had a friend named Mad Max.”
“I wish.”
