Susan Biali's Blog, page 2
January 30, 2011
Do you need to speak up?
When I was 8, my mom went to a parent-teacher night at school. When she sat down with my teacher, the teacher smiled and said: “So how are Susan’s swimming lessons going?”
My mom frowned, confused. “Susan isn’t taking swimming lessons - perhaps you’ve confused her with someone else?”
“No, I’m sure,” my teacher insisted. “Susan told me that she has to leave at 3 o’clock every afternoon, right when the bell rings, to make it to her swimming lessons on time.”
Leaving at 3 o’clock gave me a head start on Ivan, the towering taunting bully who walked home the same way that I did.
If I got outside fast, sprinted up the outside stairs and off the school property, I could be around the corner and home free before he even walked out the classroom door.
It never occurred to me to tell the teachers or my parents about Ivan. I don’t know that they could have done much, anyway. The way I saw it, if I complained about Ivan to the “authorities” they might scold or penalize him, but one day I’d eventually be on that street alone again. Alone with Ivan, that is, with 10 defenceless blocks between me and my house. And now, because I’d complained or tried to stand up to him, I’d be worse off than ever.
Some people seem to naturally stand up for themselves. They radiate this quality through the way they stand, talk and even look at others. Bullies often avoid this type of person, and instead seek out another type – the person whose gaze is a little less direct, who has a more passive stance, who apologizes too quickly and works too hard at keeping the peace at all costs. Someone more like me.
I’m not an expert on this, but I’ve read enough to know that people may exhibit this type of passivity because of their personality type or because of formative experiences such as an angry, neglectful or alcoholic parent, or other adults who continually dismissed what that child had to say. Maybe the child did try to speak up, but whenever he did he was punished, mocked, or simply ignored.
What we end up with is an adult who finds it hard to confront another about a difficult subject, especially if it’s someone who is likely to respond with anger or some other negative reaction. I prefer to write an email about anything difficult rather than say it out loud. And if I have to say it out loud, I’d prefer to say it over the phone rather than have to watch the other person’s face begin to contort into their predictably explosive or unpleasant reaction.
Avoiding direct confrontation takes up a lot of energy. Especially if in trying to avoid upsetting someone, the information gets presented in such a gentle or overly explanatory way that the other person misses the point. Emailed words can get totally misinterpreted when there’s no audible voice tone supporting them – I speak from rich experience!
I believe there’s a survival type of fear behind this behaviour. Somewhere, a child got the idea that if they spoke up or confronted someone, their world might fall apart. This might be true if that child depends on that adult to survive, or risks severe bodily harm from an abuser. The same goes for someone living in a situation of domestic violence – that’s a whole other circumstance, and that’s not what I’m addressing today.
In most cases, receiving an angry, mocking or dismissive response from another adult doesn’t actually kill you or significantly damage your life. In fact, if you speak up today, you might be surprised at your resilience in response to any and all possible reactions.
We avoid confrontations because we’re irrationally afraid of what will happen, we think that we can’t handle it. The only way to break down this fear is to do what we’re afraid of. That allows us to discover that we can actually handle the consequences, that our world doesn’t fall apart, and in the majority of cases our relationships actually benefit from our honesty. Assuming, of course, that we’ve done our best to communicate our truth in a straightforward, non-abusive, respectful way.
With the help of a friend who been been calling me on what she calls my “passive-aggressive ways” (read: not standing up for or speaking up for myself in order to keep the peace, even though I have strong feelings about a situation…feelings which typically come out later or are acted out later at an inopportune time) I am learning to stand up, take a deep breath and say it like it is.
More often than not after I’ve finished a scary speech I look up and around and observe that the world actually did not come to an end. The reactions from others aren’t always fun, that’s for sure, but there’s such strength in saying the truth. Though people may not like what you say, through your directness you’re showing that you care enough about the integrity of your relationship with someone to be brave and real with them.
Is there something you have been afraid to say? Is there someone in your life that you need to say something to?
Take notice the next time that the thought of speaking with someone about a difficult subject makes you want to run and hide. Notice when you feel tempted to compose long wordy agonizingly over-edited emails instead of speaking to someone personally. Could this be the moment that you stand up and speak out instead?
Susan Biali, MD is an internationally recognized medical doctor, wellness expert, life coach, speaker and flamenco dancer. She has performed for and taught celebrities, and speaks and dances across North America. Dr. Biali blogs for PsychologyToday.com and appears regularly in media, including Fox News ABC,CBS,NBC and CTV, Global and CITYTV networks in Canada. Her opinions appear in publicatins such as Cosmopolitan, Self, Fitness, Hello!, The Medical Post, Reader's Digest Best Health, Chatelaine and The Chicago Tribune. She is the author of the best selling book Live a Life You Love! Seven Steps to a Healthier, Happier, More Passionate You (Beaufort Books, New York). To order Live a Life You Love, click on these links to Amazon.com and Amazon.ca
January 26, 2011
What Your Clutter Might Really Be Saying About You
I’ve written about clutter myself, in fact my book, Live a Life You Love: 7 Steps to a Healthier, Happier, More Passionate You has a whole section about clearing out the clutter in your life – not only the physical clutter, but the social, emotional and financial clutter that can keep you overwhelmed and stuck.
Here are some of the quotes underlined in Ranka’s little book:
“We always relate to routine and familiar circumstances even if they work against us. That is one reason that people stay in abusive relationships, low paying jobs and cluttered homes, because it’s predictable and we become experts in dealing with unpleasant situations.”
Just think about that one for a moment: have you become an expert in dealing with unpleasant situations? Gulp.
“What’s your excuse? I urge all my clients to clarify their own personal and specific procrastination pitfalls by writing a list of 20 things they need to do but are ignoring…there is one more very good reason for writing a list, you will likely make changes when you have a written list on your fridge…keep it visible and you WILL finish your projects”
What are some key things you need to do but are “ignoring”? Would writing it out, owning it, and posting it help? I think so – this is a great coaching exercise.
“The contained companies make it easier for us to keep a mountain of things we don’t like or use. You just have to contain and label everything and your clutter problem is solved. The clutter problem is not resolved; it’s just shifted to a different area of your home.
The container suppliers are not to blame; they are simply meeting the demands of consumers. We have to admit that we are out of control when it comes to buying, we have too much stuff that we don’t need in our homes and our lives.”
If you look around at the clutter and “stuff” in your home and in your life, what does it tell you about you? Where are you out of control? Where have you taken in or on too much stuff, whether it’s in your closet or your appointment book?
“People who constantly live in a state of chaos are prone to procrastination and an inability to commit to work or relationships. They get anxious and overwhelmed with change and usually give up before they even start the project. Their finances and time are wasted; they feel stuck and bad about themselves”.
Gulp, again. Normally I’m pretty organized but I’ve had to move a couple of times this year and am still in a transient situation right now. I had to sift through and shuffle papers on my desk this morning in order to create the “space” to write (which is the thing I’ve now promised myself to do every single morning) and almost let myself get distracted by them. I’ve been way too busy lately and have gotten into bad habits. As I look at all the stuff on my desk after reading this, I cringe. I also imagine what my morning at my desk would feel like if the desk was actually clear, with everything in its place…
“It’s estimated we lose 15-20% of our annual budget because we procrastinate and avoid making decisions about the way we live and function.”
Read that one again. At first it seemed excessive, but when I think about it, it’s probably accurate. If I’m unorganized with my grocery shopping, I’ll be less likely to have enough food in the refrigerator and more likely to grab takeout on my way home. If I don’t follow-up with those clients that I know I should, I probably won’t enjoy their business. Unless I get really aggressive about what my top priorities are, I’ll continue to be bogged down keeping up with everything that comes my way instead of moving forward steadily and powerfully in my life and career.
It’s hard to clear out the clutter. It’s also hard to continue to keep life clutter-free even if you do clear it out, because “nature abhors a vacuum”. I’m hoping that you (and I), by understanding the deeper meaning and cost of clutter, will be helped by the information here. Saying “I really should get my office more organized” is one thing. Understanding what you might lose if you don’t is another thing entirely.
To read my book, complete with its section on my approach to clearing out life’s clutter, go to www.livealifeyoulovebook.com. For more information on Ranka Burzan’s work, see www.solutionsorganizing.com .
Susan Biali, MD is an internationally recognized medical doctor, wellness expert, life coach, speaker and flamenco dancer. She has performed for and taught celebrities, and speaks and dances across North America. Dr. Biali blogs for PsychologyToday.com and appears regularly in media, including Fox News ABC,CBS,NBC and CTV, Global and CITYTV networks in Canada. Her opinions appear in publicatins such as Cosmopolitan, Self, Fitness, Hello!, The Medical Post, Reader's Digest Best Health, Chatelaine and The Chicago Tribune. She is the author of the best selling book Live a Life You Love! Seven Steps to a Healthier, Happier, More Passionate You (Beaufort Books, New York). To order Live a Life You Love, click on these links to Amazon.com and Amazon.ca
January 25, 2011
Have you given up halfway?
A friend and I made a pact today. No more hanging out halfway, it’s all or nothing. Each of us has a BIG dream for our lives. Our respective dreams are almost the same, and they’re dreams that we’d almost cast aside or given up on. Why? Because they require so much faith, dedication, focus and endurance to pull off. Neither of us had wholeheartedly committed to the dream.
I’ve had a small taste of my dream, and I’d almost convinced myself that that was enough. I know how much work stands between me and my greatest vision for my life. It’s work I love, but I somehow have to find the time for it and work at it like never before - that will require a kind of determination and single-mindedness that I’ve yet to experience or exhibit.
That said, I did have a sort of single-mindedness about my flamenco-dancing dreams. In four years I went from that first flamenco dance class to having my own dance company in Los Cabos, Mexico and even performing for celebrities. I did this by being extraordinarily determined and focused and having dreams out of proportion with what most would have said was my “reality”. I certainly wasn’t the best dancer and probably didn’t really deserve the kind of gigs that I got, but they came into my life anyway, no doubt attracted in by the fervour and faith that I fed that dream with continuously.
Medical school, by its nature, consumed me too. Between the endless hours of classes, constant exams, life and death patient consequences and impossible load of information to absorb, you had no choice but to be totally focused or you’d either drown or accidentally kill someone.
It wasn’t much effort for me to dance day and night, because I loved it so much and had the time. By moving to Mexico I’d deliberately set my life up for that purpose. I had lots of free time, few expenses, and didn’t have many responsibilities. Ditto for med school, I was living off student loans, young and single with nothing significant to do other than studying and showing up for class.
So here we are today. My efforts over the last few years in pursuing my passions and aspirations around dancing, writing, coaching and speaking have landed me in an extraordinarily busy life, one that’s much more fulfilling than the uni-dimensional medical life I started out with about ten years ago, before all this transformation took place. Yet for the last few months I’ve been feeling like I spend most of my time at bat, with dozens of balls flying in at me, one after the other. I go through my days trying to keep up with these balls as they fly in, trying to hit them as masterfully as I can without getting hit or striking out.
Life has become more about managing its demands, rather than consciously and deliberately creating it. Reactive, instead of proactive and creative. Can you relate to this?
Meanwhile, sitting alone, behind me in the stands, is my dream. I know that it’s there, I know exactly what it looks like, yet I’m so busy playing this ball game (that I started, no one made me stand here) that I don’t even have time to turn my head and make eye contact with it, much less have a meaningful conversation about the future.
Today, I made the decision to put the bat on auto-pilot, leaving it mounted in a stand at home base, and I’ll run up there periodically to hit back the most important balls as they come in. The rest will likely end up hitting the ground or the back of the batting cage, but that’s ok. From now on I’m going to spend every second I can in the relative calm of the stands, hanging out with and making serious plans with my dream. We’re moving forward together this time, single-mindedly - I’m determined not to abandon it, or push it into “someday” again.
Does your life feel so busy that you hardly have time to stop and really think about what you want from life?
Where in your life have you gotten stuck halfway? Perhaps you’ve never even started, but you know exactly what it is that you need to start.
Do you know what you want from life, like I do, and simply need to make the decision to stop the madness and get focused?
It’s so easy to be doing, doing, doing as we go through life, without really accomplishing any one thing that’s significant.
Our world is designed around a short attention span: thirty second commercials, fast food, 140 character tweets, 2 minute YouTube videos. There are so many distractions, so many things to keep up with, that we’re all at risk of never delving deeply into any one thing, lulled into a false sense of accomplishment by busyness.
What have you started, or longed to start, that you need to take all the way?
I fear end of life regrets, and I don’t want to get to the end of my life without having done this one thing - especially if I were to learn, when leaving this life, that just a bit more consistent effort would have gotten me everything I felt my heart longing for.
Susan Biali, MD is an internationally recognized medical doctor, wellness expert, life coach, speaker and flamenco dancer. She has performed for and taught celebrities, and speaks and dances across North America. Dr. Biali blogs for PsychologyToday.com and appears regularly in media, including Fox News ABC,CBS,NBC and CTV, Global and CITYTV networks in Canada. Her opinions appear in publicatins such as Cosmopolitan, Self, Fitness, Hello!, The Medical Post, Reader's Digest Best Health, Chatelaine and The Chicago Tribune. She is the author of the best selling book Live a Life You Love! Seven Steps to a Healthier, Happier, More Passionate You (Beaufort Books, New York). To order Live a Life You Love, click on these links to Amazon.com and Amazon.ca
December 21, 2010
Drug-free Ways to Improve Sleep Naturally
I often write and speak about the importance of sleep, as it makes such a huge difference to mood, health, vitality and productivity. Experts estimate that in the early 1900’s North Americans got an average of 9 hours of sleep a night. Today, on average we get less than seven hours. I fight hard against myself (a night owl who wants to stay up surfing on line, or would love to watch a good movie or read a good book into the wee hours) and in spite of myself I usually manage to 8 hours or more. On the nights that I don’t, I sure notice the difference the next day. If I push it for several days, various aspects of me and my life will noticeably deteriorate.
If there is one health vow that you make, aim to get 8 hours sleep a night no matter what. You’ll get sick less often, decrease your chances of gaining weight, enjoy better blood sugar control, think more clearly, be happier and less likely to get depressed, be less likely to develop heart disease and age more slowly - and that’s just the short list.
Some of Dr. Dhiman’s tips:
When night starts to fall, your body should be getting ready for sleep
Our bodies weren’t designed for extra-bright lightbulbs and late night television. Even a late-night check of your Blackberry or Iphone screen can trick your brain into thinking it’s still day and shut off pineal gland production of that fountain of youth, melatonin. As evening settles, keep the lights low and engage in relaxing, quiet activities that will prepare your body for refreshing, deep sleep.
Stick to a routine – your adrenal glands will thank you
Many holistic practitioners talk about “adrenal fatigue”- whether or not that’s a real physiological phenomenon is often hotly debated, however there’s no doubt that adrenal stress hormones such as cortisol naturally cycle over the course of a 24 hour day. Cortisol levels should be lowest at midnight, and low cortisol levels stimulate precious growth hormone release.
According to Dr. Dhiman, If you overstimulate yourself with activities near bedtime, your cortisol may increase instead of decreasing at this critical hour. However, if you sleep at the same time every day and wake every day at the same time, your body will thank you for this regularity and apparently will function and cycle more smoothly and be less stressed. Makes sense to me!
Sleep in a pitch black room
As mentioned earlier, artificial light will trick your pineal gland into thinking it’s day and decrease melatonin production. Apparently, even a small amount of light in your bedroom will do the same. Dr. Dhiman advocates using blackout curtains, and don’t allow any light to come in under the door. Cover any light from a digital clock and use a weak flashlight to find your way to the washroom (carefully!) instead of turning on bright lights that will turn off melatonin production. She even said that the use of nightlights in children’s rooms can be highly detrimental, as quality of deep sleep is so critical to growing bodies.
Eat a small protein snack before bed
A light snack of protein such as a handful of nuts or a glass of milk can provide the amino acid L-tryptophan that the brain uses to produce melatonin and serotonin that promote high quality sleep.
Get in bed early to get some sleep between 10 pm and midnight
I had heard before that Traditional Chinese Medicine practitioners claim that the hours between 10 pm and midnight are especially powerful for rejuvenation. Some people, including Dr. Dhiman, claim that an hour of sleep during these “power hours” is the equivalent of two hours of sleep later in the night, such that you wake up more refreshed even if you didn’t manage a full 8 hours. This is always a tough one for me, as I’m perpetually that little child who doesn’t want to go to bed, and my eight hours usually occur between 11:30 and 7:30 am. I have a feeling she and others are right on this point, however. I should try to get to bed earlier, I bet it really would make a difference.
For more information on Dr. Neetu Dhiman, see www.yourbriohealth.com.
For tips on how to improve all areas of your life beyond sleep – such as nutrition, self-discovery, relationships, creativity and much more – see my book, Live a Life You Love: 7 Steps to a Healthier, Happier, More Passionate You.
Susan Biali, MD is an internationally recognized medical doctor, wellness expert, life coach, speaker and flamenco dancer. She has performed for and taught celebrities, and speaks and dances across North America. Dr. Biali blogs for PsychologyToday.com and appears regularly in media, including Fox News ABC,CBS,NBC and CTV, Global and CITYTV networks in Canada. Her opinions appear in publicatins such as Cosmopolitan, Self, Fitness, Hello!, The Medical Post, Reader's Digest Best Health, Chatelaine and The Chicago Tribune. She is the author of the best selling book Live a Life You Love! Seven Steps to a Healthier, Happier, More Passionate You (Beaufort Books, New York). To order Live a Life You Love, click on these links to Amazon.com and Amazon.ca
Drug-free Ways to Improve Sleep Naturall
I often write and speak about the importance of sleep, as it makes such a huge difference to mood, health, vitality and productivity. Experts estimate that in the early 1900’s North Americans got an average of 9 hours of sleep a night. Today, on average we get less than seven hours. I fight hard against myself (a night owl who wants to stay up surfing on line, or would love to watch a good movie or read a good book into the wee hours) and in spite of myself I usually manage to 8 hours or more. On the nights that I don’t, I sure notice the difference the next day. If I push it for several days, various aspects of me and my life will noticeably deteriorate.
If there is one health vow that you make, aim to get 8 hours sleep a night no matter what. You’ll get sick less often, decrease your chances of gaining weight, enjoy better blood sugar control, think more clearly, be happier and less likely to get depressed, be less likely to develop heart disease and age more slowly - and that’s just the short list.
Some of Dr. Dhiman’s tips:
When night starts to fall, your body should be getting ready for sleep
Our bodies weren’t designed for extra-bright lightbulbs and late night television. Even a late-night check of your Blackberry or Iphone screen can trick your brain into thinking it’s still day and shut off pineal gland production of that fountain of youth, melatonin. As evening settles, keep the lights low and engage in relaxing, quiet activities that will prepare your body for refreshing, deep sleep.
Stick to a routine – your adrenal glands will thank you
Many holistic practitioners talk about “adrenal fatigue”- whether or not that’s a real physiological phenomenon is often hotly debated, however there’s no doubt that adrenal stress hormones such as cortisol naturally cycle over the course of a 24 hour day. Cortisol levels should be lowest at midnight, and low cortisol levels stimulate precious growth hormone release.
According to Dr. Dhiman, If you overstimulate yourself with activities near bedtime, your cortisol may increase instead of decreasing at this critical hour. However, if you sleep at the same time every day and wake every day at the same time, your body will thank you for this regularity and apparently will function and cycle more smoothly and be less stressed. Makes sense to me!
Sleep in a pitch black room
As mentioned earlier, artificial light will trick your pineal gland into thinking it’s day and decrease melatonin production. Apparently, even a small amount of light in your bedroom will do the same. Dr. Dhiman advocates using blackout curtains, and don’t allow any light to come in under the door. Cover any light from a digital clock and use a weak flashlight to find your way to the washroom (carefully!) instead of turning on bright lights that will turn off melatonin production. She even said that the use of nightlights in children’s rooms can be highly detrimental, as quality of deep sleep is so critical to growing bodies.
Eat a small protein snack before bed
A light snack of protein such as a handful of nuts or a glass of milk can provide the amino acid L-tryptophan that the brain uses to produce melatonin and serotonin that promote high quality sleep.
Get in bed early to get some sleep between 10 pm and midnight
I had heard before that Traditional Chinese Medicine practitioners claim that the hours between 10 pm and midnight are especially powerful for rejuvenation. Some people, including Dr. Dhiman, claim that an hour of sleep during these “power hours” is the equivalent of two hours of sleep later in the night, such that you wake up more refreshed even if you didn’t manage a full 8 hours. This is always a tough one for me, as I’m perpetually that little child who doesn’t want to go to bed, and my eight hours usually occur between 11:30 and 7:30 am. I have a feeling she and others are right on this point, however. I should try to get to bed earlier, I bet it really would make a difference.
For more information on Dr. Neetu Dhiman, see www.yourbriohealth.comFor tips on how to improve all areas of your life beyond sleep – such as nutrition, self-discovery, relationships, creativity and much more – see my book, Live a Life You Love: 7 Steps to a Healthier, Happier, More Passionate You.
Susan Biali, MD is an internationally recognized medical doctor, wellness expert, life coach, speaker and flamenco dancer. She has performed for and taught celebrities, and speaks and dances across North America. Dr. Biali blogs for PsychologyToday.com and appears regularly in media, including Fox News ABC,CBS,NBC and CTV, Global and CITYTV networks in Canada. Her opinions appear in publicatins such as Cosmopolitan, Self, Fitness, Hello!, The Medical Post, Reader's Digest Best Health, Chatelaine and The Chicago Tribune. She is the author of the best selling book Live a Life You Love! Seven Steps to a Healthier, Happier, More Passionate You (Beaufort Books, New York). To order Live a Life You Love, click on these links to Amazon.com and Amazon.ca
December 12, 2010
Get Your Mojo Back: Life Lessons from Flamenco
The night of the event, I found out why not. I raced from the medical clinic to the venue across town, flamenco bag packed with my red and black ruffled dress, nail-embedded Spanish dance shoes, a red rose for my hair and the requisite dangly earrings. They’d known I’d be late, so the show was in full swing when I arrived.
I found myself at the edge of a packed room, and my eyes bulged at the spectacle of New Mexican cantaor Vicente Griego belting out a letra (he had been flown in for the event), followed by lyrics sung by another amazing cantaor, Alejandro, visiting from France. As several guitarists strummed furiously, a local dancer, Michelle, stomped and spun passionately, each movement faster and more precise than the one previous. The crowd was going wild, and for good reason.
I wanted to run out the door. I don’t think I’ve ever so desperately wanted to leave a room in my entire life.
I started studying flamenco in 2003, and out of sheer determination (and fierce studies, including in Spain) had started earning income performing a year later. I even had my own little flamenco dance company in Los Cabos, Mexico, for several years until end-2008, over time performing for thousands of people from all over the world – audiences from New York, L.A., Australia, London, Toronto. They seemed to love the little shows I’d put together with local artists, and I even got standing ovations from time to time. But let’s face it – those shows (and I) were far from world class, and I was the first to admit it.
Now here I stood, at an event that was looking pretty darn world-class. My beloved teacher, Kasandra La China, was sitting in the front row, and the great Oscar himself was off in the corner, watching every move.
I somehow got up there, gathering my wits and my skirts about me. Legs shaking like never before, trying not to fall of the stage while partially blinded by an ill-placed spotlight, I got through my Solea. Several people even told me they really liked it!
When I met with Oscar the next week for my weekly private lesson, he told me the truth.
“It wasn’t good enough,” he told me sternly. “It lacked fuerza, presencia – where were you? What happened?”
I felt hugely disappointed, then puzzled. I prided myself on performing passionately, if nothing else - had I lost that? When? How?
It hit me: I had lost my mojo. Not just in flamenco, but in life. Since moving back up North from Mexico, it (my mojo) had slowly and quietly left the building, and I hadn’t even noticed it leaving.
Here are some revelations I have had since about flamenco and life, after further discussion with Oscar and much reflection:
Inhabit your body and your life with fuerza
Oscar reminded me that the fuerza (strength) I danced with couldn’t just inhabit the area below my solar plexus where I feel the emotion as I dance. It has to rise up, reach up into my head, down through my feet, and out through the tips of my fingers. That strength had to project out to the far reaches of the audience, touching every last person.
Are you living in a small way, keeping your light limited to a tiny, walled off area of your heart or daily life? Are you standing in your full power, using your gifts and strength to bless and positively influence people far beyond the ones who are standing in front of you?
I have stood in my full power several times in my life, especially over the last few years (my journey into this place of strength and joy became the basis for my book, Live a Life You Love). However because of a series of setbacks and stresses in the past year, I had somehow retreated back into myself and hadn’t even realized it.
Don’t make it about “just getting through”
When we put our head down and resign ourselves to getting through a challenging experience that lies ahead of us, we block our genius and block others from the blessing of our being fully present.
In focusing on getting through the dance, I’d forgotten to enjoy the dance, and hadn’t danced from my heart and soul. In focusing on getting through the events of the past year, I’d done the same in my life.
What have you been plowing through in your life? What scenery have you been missing? How could you begin to show up as the real you, and hold your head high instead?
Don’t rest on your laurels
As a performing artist, I had been resting on the laurels I’d received performing in Cabo (celebrity audiences, accolades etc.) without realizing that since moving back North I had stagnated as a dancer. I had done the same in my professional life, relying on work I’d created previously without birthing or learning anything new.
Where in your life have you gotten comfortable? Where might you be being left behind? How can you put yourself in a situation where you’ll be given perspective, motivated to grow, and inspired to become all that you can be vs. what you already are?
I now have new motivation to practice and grow, and my classes with Oscar since have taken me to a new level as a dancer. I also immediately sent out emails to local flamenco groups, in search of as many ongoing performance opportunities as possible - I already have several new gigs booked!
As I come alive again as a dancer, I have simultaneously been reviewing my life on many levels, bringing my whole self back to life in the process.
Have you fallen asleep anywhere in your life? How do you need to wake up? Get up and go get that mojo back! The world needs it.
Susan Biali, MD is an internationally recognized medical doctor, wellness expert, life coach, speaker and flamenco dancer. She has performed for and taught celebrities, and speaks and dances across North America. Dr. Biali blogs for PsychologyToday.com and appears regularly in media, including Fox News ABC,CBS,NBC and CTV, Global and CITYTV networks in Canada. Her opinions appear in publicatins such as Cosmopolitan, Self, Fitness, Hello!, The Medical Post, Reader's Digest Best Health, Chatelaine and The Chicago Tribune. She is the author of the best selling book Live a Life You Love! Seven Steps to a Healthier, Happier, More Passionate You (Beaufort Books, New York). To order Live a Life You Love, click on these links to Amazon.com and Amazon.ca
September 7, 2010
How would you live if you only had a year left?
Though I’ve spoken about breast cancer for Susan G. Komen for the Cure (emphasizing the importance of early screening and detection), until a week ago I had never had a mammogram. In my training I’d been taught that mammograms weren’t that accurate or useful in women under 40 (our health system’s protocols reflect that), so I got regularly checked by my physician whenever I had a physical and otherwise was waiting until I was older to get testing. This year, because my mother had breast...
August 25, 2010
Why it�s hard to be a highly sensitive (HSP) introvert
A handful of years ago I was so relieved to discover that there’s a name (Highly Sensitive Person, aka HSP) for what I thought were uniquely weird sensitivities. I also finally understood and now even celebrate the fact that I’m highly introverted. Thanks to these new insights into my personality, I’ve come to appreciate that the traits that make me seem “strange” to some are also the reasons that I’m a good personal coach and a successful writer and author.
Through most of my life I felt that if people knew what I was really like, they’d write me off as strange or different. What a thrill to discover I’m not alone: 15-20% of the population are thought to be highly sensitive (according to HSP expert Dr. Elaine Aron), and around 20% of all people tend towards introversion. Of the 15-20% who are HSPs, 70% are introverts.
I’ve been enjoying fellow PT blogger Sophia Dembling’s blog about introverts, and it got me thinking of how difficult it can be to live this way in a world of extraverts. Add being highly sensitive to the mixture and you may feel like you want to hide from everything and everybody (partially to avoid trying to explain yourself to others). I’ve found that understanding why I am who I am has helped so much, and has helped me stop trying to fit in.
Here are some of the more challenging aspects I’ve experienced living a highly sensitive introverted life:
1) I don’t want to share a hotel room with you because I want us to stay friends
A few years ago, a well-meaning acquaintance suggested we rent a one-room apartment during an extended stay in Europe, though I was already happily ensconced in a cheap but cute hotel.
“We’ll save so much money,” she urged me, “and it’ll be so much fun!”
At first, I said no. I tried to explain that when I don’t have my own space, I get really stressed out, and often end up damaging the relationship.
She laughed and told me I was being ridiculous. We got along so well and had so much in common, how could this not work? She was so convincing, optimistic and insistent that I caved in. After a few days I started to get a lot less friendly.
As a highly sensitive person who needs to minimize auditory stimuli, I don’t do well when another person likes having TV or loud music on all the time as background noise. I’m extremely sensitive to other people’s moods; when someone is angry, judgmental or irritated, those emotions come through my skin and into my cells, making me even more uncomfortable. Worst of all, if I don’t have my own space to retreat to and recharge, I’ll eventually have a meltdown.
As an introvert, being around other people drains me (as opposed to extraverts, who gain energy being around other people). That doesn’t mean I don’t like being with others, in fact I love it – but I can only do it for so long before I have to go into my cave and refuel.
Not surprisingly, after that ill-fated stint in Europe, our friendship ended. A mutual friend later told me that my ex-roommate had commented that I was “weird”. I felt hurt (and angry) as I had told her that I didn’t do well sharing a small space, but she had talked me into it and was now gossiping about me to others. At the time, I thought that she was right, that I was just a weird, anti-social person. Thankfully, now I know otherwise.
2) Just because I don’t call doesn’t mean I don’t care
Reading Sophia Dembling’s blog, I was thrilled to discover that introverts almost universally don’t like the phone. All my life people have been complaining that I don’t call them, perceiving my behavior as evidence of lack of affection. I used to feel guilty, but finally realized (with Dembling’s help) that it’s simply that I don’t like being on the phone. The only exception is talking to someone else who I’m so similar to that there’s an effortless endless flow of conversation. I dislike awkward silences or pressure to come up with fascinating conversation topics, even with people I know well.
Email and Facebook are completely different, I love to communicate that way - another characteristic, according to Dembling, which is typical of introverts.
As an HSP, I also pick up all kinds of subtleties in people’s voices or comments that make me uncomfortable if they have personal (negative) significance. This intuitive sensitivity works really well when I work as a personal coach over the phone, as I’m able to pick up what’s behind a client’s words and use it to unblock them or help them move forward, but in personal conversations it can be too much information.
3) I don’t want to go to a crowded concert with you, but would love to hang out in a fabulous restaurant where we can hear each other speak and can talk about life, dreams and other meaningful things
One of my worst memories in recent years was a concert in a large plaza in Cabo. If I’m somewhere that really interests me, e.g. a salsa club where there’s great music and lots of room to dance and great dancers to dance with, or a cocktail party filled with friends and people I find highly amusing and interesting, I’ll often be the last person to leave. If we’re just going to an event for the sake of going and there will be tons of strangers and noise, I’d rather stay home and watch a video.
As we pushed through the sardine-packed throng to get near the stage, I started to panic and decided to stay by myself near the periphery. I was still surrounded and pushed against by people I couldn’t see over, and felt overwhelmed by smells of beer and smoke (that’s an HSP thing) as unfamiliar eardrum-shattering country music assaulted me. Too much noise, too many smells, too many people. I was on the verge of tears and if I could have walked home, I would have.
I’m a fun person, really I am (just ask my salsa dance buddies from years back) – if I have space, can hear myself talk, and have reasonably fresh air to breathe. People like me don’t want to leave a party because we want to wreck your fun, we’re just totally overwhelmed. My sister’s the same, and she and her husband have learned to go to parties in separate cars.
Let’s go out for a lovely dinner instead - introverts prefer meaningful one on one conversations to large group experiences, and HSPs yearn to connect deeply, discussing rich complex topics.
If any of this reminds you of you, google the words highly sensitive person (HSP) and introvert. You’ll be reassured by what you read, and can finally explain to the world that you’re not weird, you’re just like a significant proportion of the rest of the population – so there!
Why it
Psychology Today HSP Introverton A handful of years ago I was so relieved to discover that there’s a name (Highly Sensitive Person, aka HSP) for what I thought were uniquely weird sensitivities. I also finally understood and now even celebrate the fact that I’m highly introverted. Thanks to these new insights into my personality, I’ve come to appreciate that the traits that make me seem “strange” to some are also the reasons that I’m a good personal coach and a successful writer and author. ...
August 23, 2010
5 Reasons Why You Can�t Control Your Eating
I’ve struggled almost my whole life with food. During my late teens I was obsessed with dieting and calorie-counting, which turned into compulsive eating and a powerful addiction to sugary, fatty foods in my 20’s and 30’s – even though I had both a medical degree AND a degree in Dietetics (Human Nutrition). Obviously, having scientific knowledge about food and health isn’t enough to help someone control their uncontrollable behaviour around food – you need to understand the real roots of compulsive eating patterns, something I was never taught in medical school and only really began to understand and heal from in the last few years.
1) You can’t tell the difference between hunger and appetite
Before you reach for that junk food snack (which you promised yourself yesterday that you wouldn’t give in to today), check in with your body. Are you truly hungry? Where is your urge to eat coming from – your stomach or your mind? Can you tell the difference? If you ask yourself enough times, you’ll begin to be able to tell the difference. Will an apple or other healthy snack begin to satisfy your need for food? If not, you’re probably not truly hungry and just wanting to snack.
2) You let your mood push you towards food
Again, the next time you feel like reaching like something too sweet, salty, or fatty (or the next time you want to stuff food in your mouth even though you know you’re not hungry),check in with how you’re feeling. Are you sad, bored, or stressed? Once you start connecting the dots between certain moods and certain foods, it’ll be much harder to fall into what was once “automatic” (and unconscious) behavior.
3) At the supermarket, you let yourself buy things that sabotage you
My control of my eating behaviour starts at the supermarket, as I’m more likely to enjoy triumph there than I am at home. Otherwise, if I’m tired or stressed that no-no food’s already in my cupboards (with a flashing neon sign over the cupboard door that screams “you know I’m here, what’s taking you so long?”). Make a pact with yourself not to buy problem foods when you’re out shopping for groceries. Practice making yourself look away when you start eyeing up a tempting store display (I do this when in line, especially at the video store, when I’m captive and flanked by so many fat- and sugar-laden treats).
Focus on the people or non-food items around you or just keep on walking determinedly towards the foods which are supposed to be on your list.
4) You don’t pay attention to when you hit full
Years ago I saw a dietitian who taught me this golden rule about food and maintaining your ideal weight: “Eat when you’re hungry, stop when you’re full.” When you start paying attention to this, you’ll be shocked by how often you push past full (and move into the land of totally stuffed) just because you’re liking the eating process and don’t feel like stopping. This is especially risky when eating with others, as studies have shown that’s when we’re most likely to overeat. Eat slowly, and as the meal or snack progresses, check in with yourself regularly before the next bite or before serving yourself again. Are you hitting full? If so, time to stop. I shock myself now with how often I say no to dessert these days, simply because I’ve learned to notice when I’m full. And when I’m full, I stop. If we push past full, we’re not respecting our body, and it’s just going to end up on our hips anyway.
5) You don’t get enough sleep
If you get less than 7 hours of sleep a night, your brain actually starts producing appetite-stimulating hormones, and you’ll feel hungrier (and eat more) throughout the day without meaning to do so. Lack of sleep also affects your body’s ability to regulate blood sugar, and can make you susceptible to diabetes. Many researchers believe that our excessive sleep deprivation as a society is partially to blame for the epidemic of obesity. Get more sleep, and your brain will produce another type of hormone that actually suppresses appetite. How easy is that? I love it.
In my book, Live a Life You Love, 7 Steps to a Healthier, Happier, More Passionate You, I delve deeper into this issue of compulsive/addictive eating patterns, and also describe a simple way to eat that not only helps you lose weight, but keeps you looking years younger and dramatically reduces your risk of developing a wide variety of diseases.
Susan Biali, MD is an internationally recognized medical doctor, wellness expert, life coach, speaker and flamenco dancer. She has performed for and taught celebrities, and speaks and dances across North America. Dr. Biali blogs for PsychologyToday.com and appears regularly in media, including Fox News ABC,CBS,NBC and CTV, Global and CITYTV networks in Canada. Her opinions appear in publicatins such as Cosmopolitan, Self, Fitness, Hello!, The Medical Post, Reader's Digest Best Health, Chatelaine and The Chicago Tribune. She is the author of the best selling book Live a Life You Love! Seven Steps to a Healthier, Happier, More Passionate You (Beaufort Books, New York). To order Live a Life You Love, click on these links to Amazon.com and Amazon.ca
