Atlantic Monthly Contributors's Blog, page 965

Rob Ford's Friends Have Criminal Records and Tend to Live with Their Parents

It's been just over three months since reports first emerged of the existence of a video showing Toronto Mayor Rob Ford smoking crack, and now Toronto police appear to be slowly putting the complicated puzzle behind Ford and his questionable associates together.

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As we learned last week, Ford mysteriously attempted to visit an old friend and known crack user in jail well after visiting hours last March. That friend is Bruno Bellisimo, who was in jail at the time of Ford's visit for assaulting his own parents, in whose basement he was living at the time (he's since entered a substance abuse treatment program). Two of Bellissimo’s friends told the Toronto Star that he previously boasted about Ford giving him a debit card that the mayor told him he "could use $500 for himself from time to time."

Then over the weekend, the Star reported that Toronto police are investigating the role of several Ford associates in their possible attempts to retrieve the infamous video that allegedly shows the mayor smoking crack cocaine. 

At least one target of that investigation is "Sandro" Lisi, who has a criminal history of threatening and assaulting women as well as drug possession. Currently living with his parents, Lisi is also an occasional driver and security guard for Ford. 

The Star reported that Lisi approached Fabio Basso, also a Ford pal as well an occupant of a Toronto home long suspected of drug activity, June 4 and asked Basso, "where are the guys who made the video?" The following day, an unknown attacker broke into the same house and assaulted Basso, his girlfriend and his mother. In the meantime, another associate of Ford, David Price (the mayor's former football coach and current "logistics director"), reportedly pursued leads in the high-rise community where two Star reporters say they originally saw the crack video.

And then there's Peter Kordas, a former city bus driver whom the Star reports has told friends he occasionally serves as Ford's driver when the mayor wants to go out. Kordas, who was pressured to resign from his job after a young woman accused him of propositioning her, was reportedly present at a St. Patrick's Day event last year from which Mayor Ford was eventually asked to leave for appearing "incoherent" and "hammered." Kordas currently lives with his parents (sensing a theme here?).

Meanwhile, in Toronto City Hall, it's business as usual for Ford, who has not commented on the Star's weekend report. Later today the mayor plans to give a key to the city to his one of his few remaining allies, City Councillor and former deputy mayor Doug Holyday. Holyday has consistently come to Ford's defense since the crack scandal first exploded, most recently after videos and photos surfaced last weekend of Ford appearing to be intoxicated and slurring his words while attending a Greek food festival.

       

Daily Caller Writer Deems Obama the 'First Female President'

The Daily Caller's Mark Judge took advantage of this quiet August Tuesday to troll the internet, declaring Barack Obama the the first female president. The thing is, calling the commander in chief a woman has been done before, and done better.

In 2008, The Daily Beast declared that the then-candidate displayed "qualities and values that women bring to organizational life." In 2009, the ironically-named arch-conservative blog American Thinker tried it on for size. The Washington Post has done it twice, courtesy of Kathleen Parker in 2010 and Dana Milbank in 2012. And now Judge implicitly leverages that same rhetorical device, the now-hoary declaration by the Nobel Prize-winning novelist Toni Morrison that Bill Clinton was the nation's first black president, a claim intended to demonstrate Clinton's familiarity and sympathy with African-American culture and community. By now, though, Morrison's metaphor is a trick used by lazy hacks, which we've enumerated in the past. 

Judge was aided in his effort by a book with the evocative title The Art of Manliness - Manvotionals: Timeless Wisdom and Advice on Living the 7 Manly Virtues. (It's here, if you want to buy it, but it is recommended you wait until the end of this article before so indulging.) The titular seven virtues were sifted from the history of our great civilization by Brett McKay and his wife Kate, who live in Tulsa, Oklahoma. (Credentials: "Brett McKay is a man. Kate McKay loves manly men.")

Judge doesn't do the book many favors. His column begins with an explanation as to why he came to believe the president's virility should be measured against the sort of academic work that one might find inside a B&N under a bright yellow sign declaring it 80 percent off. As Judge puts it, he first noticed that Obama wasn't a real man when Obama refused to get mad in response to unidentified acts of terrorism. (Mark Judge looked into the eyes of JFK during the Cuban Missile Crisis and saw "rage and the desire to kill" — an intensity that he hasn't seen in Obama. This is actually what he claims. Also that the form is exemplified by Star Trek's Captain Kirk.) So Judge trudged to the lavatory, grabbed his copy of Manvotionals, and started scanning through the checklist of the seven virtues. Here's how Judge assessed Obama's fit with the second one on the McKays' list.

Discipline. “There is a deep down, underneath all the work I do, I think there’s a laziness in me,” Obama told Barbara Walters in 2011. We still don’t know what grades Obama got at Columbia.

There you go. Obama is lazy because he once said so, and probably because of all of his vacations and because he might not have gotten straight A's in college. And since he's lazy and is "a poster child for affirmative action" who "gamed the system," he's feminine. (To his credit, at least Obama didn't become a racist after someone stole his bike.)

The rest of the piece goes on just like this, which is to say, Mark Judge matching seven made-up virtues with standard anti-Obama boilerplate of the sort you find in big, bold type stamped on unflattering images on your cousin's Facebook wall. (The seventh manly virtue? "Manliness.") We've heard all of these complaints before; here, they're just reshuffled into a seemingly fresh framework. If Judge couldn't be bothered to come up with a new conceit for a column, it's hard to fault him for regurgitating the column's contents as well.

       

Your Biggest 'True Blood' Question Answered

Today in show business news: True Blood's current biggest mystery has been answered, Lindsay Lohan was not that popular on Sunday night, and OMG Jon Snow shirtless.

Even though everyone's beloved melanin-deficient vampire [SPOILER ALERT GUYS, DON'T BE DUMMIES] burst into flames while naked on top of a Swedish mountain (this show! this show) in the True Blood season finale, showrunner Brian Buckner tells TV Line that Eric will be back next season. So Alexander Skarsgård is employed for the foreseeable future, fans have more to hornily obsess over, and the writers of the show get the unenviable task of figuring out how exactly Eric made his way out of this particular pickle. I mean, he's burning alive on top of a mountain, naked, in Sweden, and nobody knows where he is. Well, I guess Pam could find him, so maybe that's how that works. But I don't know. That would be awfully convenient. Maybe somehow he melts into the snow and becomes a yeti? We haven't had any yetis on this show yet. Let's have that be the case. Oops, Eric became a yeti and he looks all white and furry, but it's still Alexander Skarsgård's voice and, hey, he's is naked all the time because yetis don't wear clothes. Great. We've figured it out. Eric Northman is now a yeti. [TV Line]

Hm. It seems not as many people care about Lindsay Lohan's troubles and redemption as much as some people hoped. And by some people I mean Oprah, and of course Lindsay Lohan. This past Sunday's big Oprah's Next Chapter interview with Lohan, all about the actress's struggles with addiction and fame and whatnot, only brought in a scant 892,000 viewers to the OWN network. (OWN stands for Oprah Winfrey Network, so what I'm saying when I say "the OWN network" is the Oprah Winfrey Network network.) That's not great! I mean, considering that Oprah's sit-down with disgraced velocipedist Lance Armstrong raked in 3.2 million viewers, and her chat with Bobbi Kristina, daughter of Whitney Houston, brought in 3.5 million. The OWN audience, and anyone else really, just did not want to see Lindsay Lohan get interviewed, I guess. Oh well. [Deadline]

Quinton Aaron, who played the big guy adopted by Sandra Bullock in The Blind Side, is joining the cast of the reboot of the Left Behind franchise, the apocalyptic book series written by fundamentalist Christians that was made into a few junky movies a while back but is now getting a slightly bigger-budget remount. So. That means that the new Left Behind movie, about people left behind after the Rapture, will star Nicolas Cage, Chad Michael Murray, Jordin Sparks, and the kid from The Blind Side. Hm. Sure. Absolutely. Everything about this movie makes complete sense. Carry on, movie. [The Hollywood Reporter]

Corey Stoll has been added to the cast of the adaptation of white-hot thriller writer Gillian Flynn's novel Dark Places. He joins Charlize Theron, Chloe Grace Moretz (ugh), and the just-announced Tye Sheridan. Stoll will play the grown-up version of Sheridan's character Ben, who is sent to jail for murdering his parents. Theron and Moretz play Ben's sister. So, this is a good cast! I mean, three out of four ain't bad. Why couldn't Quinton Aaron have been cast in this instead? This is a better movie for him. Quinton, talk to your people. [Deadline]

All right, so, not much to say about this. Here's a picture of Jon Snow, I mean Kit Harrington, in a scene from his new movie Pompeii, the Vesuvius eruption pic from shlockmeister Paul W.S. Anderson. (I say schlockmeister almost lovingly. I liked Three Musketeers and have a fondness for Alien Vs. Predator, Event Horizon, and even the garishly bad Mortal Kombat.) Harrington says he never wears that outfit again, that it's just the one time, but there it is. That's the first photo that the production released. I can't imagine why. [Entertainment Weekly]

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Internet Finds Onion Rape & Incest Story Deeply Unfunny

The Onion's usual brand of satire fell flat today when the humor publication tried to find the funny in the fake story of a 13-year-old being sexually assaulted by her stepfather. In "Adolescent Girl Reaching Age Where She Starts Exploring Stepfather's Body," The Onion writers compared puberty and self-exploration with incest and child molestation. An expert "quoted" in the story explained:

“It can be awkward and even a little scary for an adolescent girl when she experiences all these strange new feelings and starts to notice the sexual desires of her mother’s husband [...] It will probably take time for Heather to figure out what does and doesn’t feel good to her stepfather [... b]ut it’s all part of growing up, and she should know that she is taking a very important step in life.

Reactions to the post were a mix of confusion and disgust. "Can someone explain to me how this in @TheOnion is funny? I may just be truly Not Getting It," tweeted Jill Filipovic of Feministe. CUNY instructor Angus Johnston was also lost. "I understand that they're opposed to the sexual abuse of children by family members," tweeted Johnston. "I just don't get the joke." Jessica Wakeman at The Frisky thought the story failed as well. "Had he been in the piece, saying something entitled and creepy and dumb, maaaybe the piece would have been cringe-inducingly funny. Instead it’s mystifyingly uncomfortable," wrote Wakeman. "What’s the punchline here? Sexual abuse is terrible? Adolescent girls are preyed on by older men? HA HA!"

This isn't to say that The Onion doesn't know how to use satire to address sexual violence issues. Its 2011 Sportsdome story "Athlete Overcomes Rape" followed an athlete accused of raping a fellow student with the sympathy one would (ideally) expect for the victim. The segment became relevant this year when CNN correspondents lamented the once promising futures of the convicted Steubenville rapists. That time around the joke, as well as the social commentary, was clear. 

       

Michael Hastings Had Relapsed Before Fatal Accident

The death of investigative journalist Michael Hastings — which had been subject to irresponsible speculation and even conspiracy theories — was officially ruled an accident by the Los Angeles coroner's office on Tuesday. Hastings died of "traumatic injuries," though he had reportedly fallen back into drug use in the month before his death, with meth and marijuana found in his system.

The 33-year-old Hastings died during a single car accident in Los Angeles on the morning of June 18. Hastings was driving a Mercedes when it he lost control of the vehicle, causing it to collide with a tree planted in a median. The car subsequently caught fire; firefighters spent half andhour extracting Hastings's charred body from the fiery wreck, according to the rather gruesome coroner's report.

The report should put to rest notions that Hastings's death was some sort of government conspiracy. That rumor lingered because Hastings — who penned a profile of Stanley McChrystal for Rolling Stone that was responsible for the general's dismissal — was believed to have been the subject of federal law enforcement interest, a rumor that seems to have been stoked by the Julian Assange-led group WikiLeaks:

Michael Hastings contacted WikiLeaks lawyer Jennifer Robinson just a few hours before he died, saying that the FBI was investigating him.

— WikiLeaks (@wikileaks) June 19, 2013

Turns out that it was an accident, after all — and a highly tragic one at that. The coroner's report does say that Hastings's family members revealed that the BuzzFeed journalist, who had been sober for some 14 years, had recently started using drugs again. Family was supposedly traveling to Los Angeles to convince him to enter rehab.

However, according to the Los Angeles Times, drugs were not responsible for the crash itself:

Coroner's officials said Hastings had traces of amphetamine in his system, consistent with possible intake of methamphetamine many hours before death,  as well as marijuana. Neither were considered a factor in the crash, according to toxicology reports. 

A sad end for Hastings, whatever its reasons.

       

The Best Conspiracy Theories About Obama's New Dog Sunny

[image error]The Obamas got a new puppy on Monday, a black puffball named Sunny who's a Portuguese waterdog just like Bo. Sunny is a Trojan horse of cute, an adorable ball of fur on the outside that masks an insidious plot lurking at her core. Here are some of the best conspiracy theories about Sunny that the Internet has come up with in less than 24 hours. Granted, some of them might be jokes.

Sunny's real name is Sunni

Sunny? That sounds sort of close to Sunni, as in the branch of Islam, the religion some conspiracy theorists think President Obama adheres to.

Great. Obama has another dog... Cost taxpayers MORE to transport 2? Is it's name pronounced Sunny? Or SUNNI?? #ObamasNewDog #Distractions

— CAUGHT UP ALIVE NTWK (@CUA_Network) August 20, 2013

Did I hear this right? Did Barack Obama name the new dog Sunni?

— M. Roberson (@Nel_Mezzo) August 20, 2013

Obama insulting choice of name for his new dog (Sunni) triggers religious protests all over the world (~__^ )

— Captain_Marlow (@Captain_Marlow) August 20, 2013

(Photo by The White House via Flickr.)

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Sunny is black because the Obamas are racist

"With the addition of Sunny, the Obamas now have two black Portuguese water dogs," The Daily Caller's Patrick Howley reported on Monday. "The Obamas do not have any white dogs." The Daily Caller was not alone in this assessment.

Lol. I see Obama keeping the family pure with another black dog.

— Gabe (@OneConquistador) August 20, 2013

We might note that dog fur is less like human skin than like human hair, so the real outrage should be that the Obamas don't have any blonde dogs. (Photo via Pete Souza on Twitter.)

[image error]Sunny exists to distract America from White House scandal

"Forget All the Problems With ObamaCare, There's a New White House Dog!" Kyle Drennen writes sarcastically at the conservative site NewsBusters. But Constitution Daily's Scott Bomboy writes that there's some hard data suggesting there's a bit of truth in Drennen's headline. A July 2012 article in Political Science and Politics showed "the White House has used pets since the 1960s as public relations props during times of political scandal and international tension," Bomboy writes. "The translation: the White House lets the dogs out in times of scandal and war, and sends them back to the doghouse when the economic going is tough." (Photo via Associated Press.)

       

Explaining the Fascination with Explaining Why There Are No Female Programmers

People love opining on Silicon Valley's gender gap — even if they have no data or even relevant anecdotes to back up their theories about why so few women enter coding or technology professions. The latest offering in the genre comes from software developer Dave Winer, who, like many others, fell into the obvious trap of saying women are inherently bad at programming. Winer, the "protoblogger" who helped develop the first blogs, RSS, and founded Small Picture, Inc, shared his flimsy "theory" on his blog Scripting News Monday evening, where he likened programming to the hunting and gathering our ancestors did in the wilderness...a skill that is not something women are genetically predisposed to do:

Programming is a very modal activity. To be any good at it you have to focus. And be very patient. I imagine it's a lot like sitting in a blind waiting for a rabbit to show up so you can grab it and bring it home for dinner.

Winer, predictably, got torn apart in the comments and on Twitter, where critics called the post "sad" and "poorly thought out." The most up-voted commenter on Winer's own blog, in fact, was a detractor who began her takedown thusly: 

If you say "I think there's something about programming that makes women not want to do it" then you are displaying a worldview that's very gender-essentialist. Gender essentialism and sexism walk hand-in-hand.

The dearth of women and minorities in coding has long been a popular topic of discussion: See here, here, and here. Some of it is simply "mansplaining," especially in the case of Winer. But, there's another factor at work here: The false idea of the Silicon Valley meritocracy, which posits that people succeed in computer related professions because they're the simply best at what they do. The logic, it then follows, is that if the industry suffers from  alarmingly low numbers of black, Latino, or female programmers, it must have something to do with the individuals themselves, not the larger culture.

This is exactly the sort of problematic mindset and inability or unwillingness to look at structural issues that leads to nonsense like Winer's hunter gatherer theory, or assertions that "women just aren't good at programming", aren't "attracted to programming at all" or don't work hard enough. It also, unreasonably, puts the burden on women, rather than the very real "artificial barriers" keeping them out of the field, as Ellen Spertus, a computer science professor who wrote the seminal 1991 paper "Why Are There So Few Females in Computer Science?" told The New York Times in 2008.

Back then, things like "the different ways in which boys and girls are raised, the stereotypes of female engineers, subtle biases that females face, problems resulting from working in predominantly male environments, and sexual biases in language" were seen as impediments in the way of women's advancements. Now, some 13 years after Spertus wrote her paper, the gap has only widened. Although bachelors degrees in other sciences for men and women have evened out, "many computer science departments report that women now make up less than 10 percent of the newest undergraduates," reported the Times in 2008. (In 2010, the National Center for Women and Information Technology had the number at 18 percent.)

As for Winer, he has since walked back his thesis in an update. "Note: This was not a well-written post." he wrote, tweeting out a link to Girls Who Code and adding that he has decided to focus less on the reasons behind gender disparity in programming and more on potential solutions. "I want everyone to do great stuff." So do we, but making this happen will have nothing to do with focusing on genetics.

       

The Hunger Games: State Fair Food Gets More Outrageous

Extreme eating has hit the nation's state fairs, where vendors are one-upping the junk food competition with offerings like deep fried meatloaf and English Toffee Fudge Puppies.

America may be in an obesity crisis, but the demand for outrageous foods — cronuts, ramen burgers, Paula Deen-approved donut-hamburger sandwiches — shows no signs of slowing down. In fact, the public's fascination with bigger, greasier and more gargantuan foodstuffs has hit the nation's already-calorie-rich state fairs, those annual expos of Ferris Wheels, flume rides and deep-fried foods. In fact, according to today's Wall Street Journal, the demands of extreme eaters means that state fair vendors are feeling pressure to up their competitive junk food game—turning grassy fairgrounds into the gastronomic equivalents of the Island of Dr. Moreau.

"It's too bad because we lose a bit of heritage and a bit of who we are," Minnesota State Fair Vendor Dennis Larson tells the  Journal's Caroline Porter, explaining that he and his colleagues are under constant pressure to create bigger, tastier, and more outrageous foods. "It used to just be cotton candy and caramel apples," vendor Mary Balducci added, echoing what David Foster Wallace, in his 1994 essay "Ticket to the Fair," described as a Bacchanalian food orgy with the sound of deep fryers forming "a grisly sound-carpet all up and down the paths."

But that was then and this is now, and if you think that what Foster Wallace described as "All-Butter Fudge" or "Dentist's Delight" sounds over the top, get a load of what's on offer in the country's (mostly Midwestern) precincts some two decades later.

The Minnesota State Fair

Minnesota seems to be king of the new food fairs. Yes, these are fighting words. Rest assured, this victory is only due to the photographic proof that the Minnesota State Fair has of all of its strange food mutants. Wisconsin has an equal and bizarre set of contenders (which we'll get to in a minute) but they don't have as many pictures or any proof that these strange beasts exist.

Wine-Glazed Deep-Fried Meatloaf on a Stick

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The Bread Cone (Bread baked into a shape of a cone, stuffed with veggies, or meatballs or shrimp—a triumph of engineering)

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Grilled Glazed Donut 

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Cocoa Cheese Bites (Wisconsin cheddar cheese nuggets, breaded in cocoa puffs, then deep-fried)

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The English Toffee Fudge Puppy (chocolate covered English toffee on top of a Belgian waffle on a stick which is dipped in chocolate then covered in whipped cream and toffee sauce):

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The Wisconsin State Fair

On paper, Wisconsin has the best shock value of all the fairs—just hearing about some of its offerings, like a deep-fried taco cheesecake, is enough to give a person a stomach-ache.  (If someone has a picture of the deep-fried taco cheesecake, please send it our way.)

Deep-Fried Peanut Butter & Bacon Nuggets With Jelly Sauce:

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Deep Fried Hot Dog Wrapped in French Fries

Fried Hot Dog Wrapped In French Fries at Wisconsin State Fair pic.twitter.com/0KYahaCHtc (via @jaylev0720)

— darren rovell (@darrenrovell) August 10, 2013

Bacon Cheddar Corn Dogs on a Stick:

New at the Northern Wisconsin State Fair this year: Bacon Cheddar Corn Dogs... pic.twitter.com/vBcUB3kANd

— Jerry Gallagher (@JerryGallagher) July 9, 2013

Bacon Jalapeno Cheddar Reuben Brat:

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The Ohio State Fair/The North Carolina State Fair (and the myth of the deep-fried giant gummy bear)

The Journal mentions "giant deep fried gummy bears" as one of the new additions at the Ohio State Fair this season, but a quick search on the fair's official site doesn't turn up any images of the little buggers. That's where North Carolina comes in. The Tar Heel State's fair doesn't start until October, but it did play host to the fried furry carnivores last year, and there are photos to prove it.

Before:

Fried gummy bear! #CoastalCarolinaFair pic.twitter.com/7eZnGsvo

— Dave Williams (@LCWxDave) October 25, 2012

After:  

Yep...deep fried giant gummy bear. # IWillEatAnything pic.twitter.com/vnHh2nzI

— Steven W. Anderson (@web20classroom) October 7, 2012

 

The Iowa State Fair

This fair has it all: artery-clogging foods we'd actually eat, plus photo-ops with politicians and potential U.S. presidents stuffing corn dogs into their faces.

Shrimp Corndog:

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Strawberry Smoothie on a Stick:

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Ribshack Cowboy (cowboy beans, brisket, cole slaw, a potato chip, and barbecue sauce served in a waffle cone):

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Bacon-Wrapped Rib:

Picture of Bacon Wrapped Rib On A Stick at the Iowa State Fair (via @GarmanSports) http://t.co/VwL7V5lWyJ

— darren rovell (@darrenrovell) August 9, 2013

So, who's hungry?

Photos via: Minnesota State Fair; Ohio State Fair, North Carolina State Fair, Wisconsin State Fair; Iowa State Fair

       

Quitting the Internet Isn't the Answer

Someone is quitting the Internet for a whole year again, which is becoming a regular desire among those who spending the majority of their waking hours in front of a blinking computer screen. Maybe these folks should opt for something less drastic and dramatic, though. 

After ten years of blogging for Grist, David Roberts is going off grid for a full year starting on Labor Day weekend. As he writes, his reasoning is simple: "I am burnt the fuck out." Besides spending time with family, Roberts has spent all of his spare time over the last decade being on the Internet: consuming and digesting news, memes, and hot takes. It's all become too much, he says, and it's dominating his brain's function to an alarming degree:

I think in tweets now. My hands start twitching if I’m away from my phone for more than 30 seconds. I can’t even take a pee now without getting “bored.” I know I’m not the only one tweeting in the bathroom. I’m online so much that I’ve started caring about “memes.” I feel the need to comment on everything, to have a “take,” preferably a “smart take.” The online world, which I struggle to remember represents only a tiny, unrepresentative slice of the American public, has become my world. I spend more time there than in the real world, have more friends there than in meatspace.

And so Roberts will exit stage left for the entire year in a matter of days with two goals in mind: getting in shape at age 40 after spending the last decade behind a desk, and writing his first novel. 

Some people were dismissive to Robert's plight, calling it as another trend story we've seen before. And those notions aren't exactly wrong. The Verge's Paul Miller concluded his year-long absence from the 'net this year, revealing that it's didn't make him any happier. He had modest goals of looking at the flowers and reading and writing more, just like Roberts. It didn't work out that way, though. He ended up slitting his time doing other just-as-meaningless things.

Others were much more sympathetic. "I relate entirely to [Robert's] story of total internet-writing burn out and have no idea how so many don't have it," wrote The Guardian's Jim Newell, who then compared the difficulties of quitting to a smack addiction.

BuzzFeed's Myles Tanzer couldn't comprehend why anyone would ever want to quit the Internet for an entire year. "Imagine quitting the entire internet for a year. So much misery for no reason," he said. 

Internet addiction, or dependency, or whatever you want to call it is a real thing. Some people, like Politico's Mike Allen or Business Insider's Joe Weisenthal, proudly wear their ability to stay always-on as part of their public personas. Weisenthal once boasted about his absurd connectivity and work habits to The New York Times: "I like having the reputation as the person who is going to get something first, who knows what’s going on, who’s tireless," he said. His wife, in the same article, had less enthusiasm for it. Allen has become famous for sending out his Playbook email 365 days a year, sometimes seemingly on no sleep at all. 

But we'd like to advocate for a more moderate solution to Roberts' problem. Maybe going cold-turkey, like someone quitting smack for real, isn't the answer Roberts should be looking for. Starting to exercise and eat properly and write a novel are all worthwhile self-improvement goals. No one's going to debate that. Though perhaps a better course of action would be to moderate how much time is spent on the Internet, like a parent regulating a child's time. Start up an Internet tariff: if you spend more hours than you want on the 'net, you have to pay X amount of dollars into the Internet jar. Once the jar is filled, your wife and/or children get to order pizza and eat it in front of you. Or something. It would work like a swear jar, or the Douchebag jar on Fox's The New Girl. Set consequences out to modify your behavior, rather than resorting to drastic measures like a complete cleanse. Oscar Wilde said something wise about moderation once, but my dad always messes up what it was. 

As past Atlantic Wire articles have explained, quitting the Internet isn't all it's cracked up to be. You miss all the good stuff that comes online every day. And for some quitting just isn't humanly possible. Emails have become one of the only ways to interact now. As much as you want to escape the hyper-connectivity created by the Information Superhighway,  you can't, because everyone else is moving at 180 miles per hour and passing you with ease. You can continue in your bicycle lane, moving as quickly as turtle, but eventually you'll feel the need -- the need for speed. 

       

The 'Ben-Hur' Remake Nobody Asked For

Today in show business news: MGM is considering a Ben-Hur remake with a bad director, NBC is getting in the mermaid business, and Demi Lovato gets another job.

As the last idea in Hollywood was used up years ago, like a Truffula tree felled by the Once-ler, MGM has decided to just go ahead and do a remake of Ben-Hur, one of the main old movies that people think of when you say the words "old movie." (The others are Casablanca and Gone with the Wind, and probably Citizen Kane and Wizard of Oz.) And not only are they remaking the thing, guess who they want to direct it. Ridley Scott? Tom Hooper? Kathryn Bigelow? Ha, nope, no sir. Timur Bekmambetov. You know, the guy who directed Abraham Lincoln: Vampire Hunter. That guy. For Ben-Hur. What could possibly go wrong?? Nothing's been confirmed yet, but I'm pretty sure they've got Gerard Butler on lock for the lead, too. Maybe Katy Perry could play Esther? Why not! [Deadline]

Speaking of good ideas, NBC has bough a sitcom from Sex and the City writer Jenny Bicks about "a beached mermaid in search of adventure who winds up working in a bar/attraction in Miami with an eclectic group of people as lost as she is." Yes. This is a comedy. It is described as "a mermaid comedy." Like Splash, I guess. Splash meets Friends. Terrific! I mean, mermaids are all the rage these days, so it's not completely crazy that NBC would be interested in a, um, mermaid comedy, but this is network television we're talking about. They don't do fantasy well. I know Once Upon a Time is a big hit, but have you actually seen that show? Yiiikes. I watched the whole first season, but two episodes into season two that was it. Too much, show. It's just too much. This mermaid thing is a contemporary comedy so the fantasy probably won't be quite as high, but it's there. What a strange idea. It's almost like network television is getting desperate or something. [The Hollywood Reporter]

Demi Lovato, teen queen turned X Factor host, will do a guest arc on Glee next season, for about six episodes. She'll be in the New York storyline, playing a friend of Rachel and Santana's. Oh Santana is in New York now? I thought she was off the show. Is Kurt still in New York? Where's Mr. Schue? Did he marry the other one? Wait. Is Blaine the Asian girl? Which one's Breadstix. I'm confused. Anyway, welcome Demi! [Vulture]

A release date, or release month at least, has been set for Jon Hamm's big Disney movie. Million Dollar Arm will come out in May of next year. In the movie, Hamm plays a man who buys a very expensive arm baseball scout who travels to India to see if any of that country's many cricket players could feasibly play American ball. So, he holds a competition and then brings the winners to America. So it's a feel-good, fish-out-of-water, sportsy thing. Jon Hamm is basically doing The Air Up There. And there's nothing wrong with that. Nothing wrong with The Air Up There. Or My Giant for that matter. [Entertainment Weekly]

Oh my. Set your nerd phasers to I don't know what the hell, super-stunned or something, because it seems that in the future there is going to be some X-Men/Fantastic Four crossover. Fox owns the rights to both, so they're gonna smoosh 'em together in some capacity in the future and see what happens. Might as well, if they own both! (Both are Marvel titles, so they could conceivably be mashed up if Marvel owned the rights too.) Nothing specific has been set up, but it will very likely happen. So look forward to Wolverine makin' out with the Invisible Woman. The Thing trading snarky quips with... Wolverine. Does anyone else in X-Men make snarky quips? Who knows. Doesn't matter. They'll figure it out. [The Hollywood Reporter]