Atlantic Monthly Contributors's Blog, page 935
September 20, 2013
Jon Gosselin's New, Humble Life
Remember Jon Gosselin? He was one tenth of the Jon & Kate Plus 8 crew, the mega-sized family that captured the nation's attention during the strange last days of the aughts. Then there was a spectacular, ugly, public divorce, the gossip machine blaring long and loud about every sad detail of the split until, suddenly, there was silence. Nothing. Kate popped up on Dancing with the Stars but that was quickly forgotten and it was quiet. So what happened after all that? Where did everyone go? Well, according to an interview with Entertainment Tonight that aired last night, Jon moved to the woods. Yup, he packed up his stuff and moved to the woods, like a common fairytale recluse. Good for him. But what does he do in the woods all day, other than brood and snicker to himself while he collects bird bones and bits of forest fuzz to make strange figurines out of? He waits tables! Yeah he works at a restaurant that is in or near the woods and seems pretty happy! How about that. The woods: Could they work for you? Jon says he and Kate only text and email, they don't even see each other when they pick up or drop off the kids. So that's sad. But other than that, I think this story has a happy ending. After all that turmoil and strife and glare, Jon is a happy resident of the woods. That's all he needed. "All I needed was the woods." [New York Daily News]
Here's a funny little story. Jennifer Lawrence is in Atlanta filming Hunger Games: Return of Jafar. Jeff Daniels is in Atlanta to film the Dumb & Dumber sequel. So they had dinner. Yup! Two celebrities in Atlanta at the same time is cause for celebration, so they went to this hip, fancy restaurant (I mean, Atlanta hip and fancy) with the Farrely brothers and had a dinner. Who knows what they talked about! "So, you like acting?" "Yeah, I like acting. You?" "I do. I like acting." Something like that, probably! What fun. What a weird group. But that's OK. Maybe the Farrelys will write a comedy for her. She needs to do a comedy. She's so funny in real life and so serious in her movies. Though maybe that's why it works. Maybe she needs to have that balance. Maybe that's something they talked about. Who knows. Sadly, we'll probably never know. [Page Six]
As of today, Prince Charles would be the oldest king crowned were he to be crowned. He just beat William IV, who was 64 years, 10 months, and 5 days old when he was crowned in 1830. Now Charles would be the oldest. He's also "the longest-serving heir apparent," which must make him feel great. He sulks in his chambers while Camilla furiously grabs all the newspapers and throws them out, then stomps over to the telephone and dials William's number. "Oh hello, Camilla, how are you today?" But Camilla doesn't bother with pleasantries, saying "Put that wife of yours on the phone." And so William does and when Catherine comes on the line with a chilly, "Yes, Camilla?" Charles's wife spits at her, "Listen to me you hungry little commoner. Feeding vicious stories about my husband's age isn't going to convince him to abdicate a single thing to that horse-toothed husband of yours. Do you hear me? You will not win this one, you low country badger. Charles will be king, and you will have to wait your turn, you grubby little peasant." Catherine raises her eyebrows. "Mmhm. Is there anything else I can help you with Camilla?" "Yes you can piss off and leave us all alone, just like that boy's slag of a mother." "All right, Camilla. I must say goodbye. So lovely to hear from you. Ta ta." Catherine hangs up and William looks at her expectantly, hoping maybe that these constantly bickering ladies had patched something up. "Well?" "Oh it was nothing," Catherine says breezily, walking over to her husband and smoothing his shirt and fixing his hair, before her hands move further down, cooing, "And how is my little king this morning. Oh, not so little at all I see." And that's how that day goes. [People]
Millionaire contractor Ben Krupinski, who builds homes for the rich and fabulous of the Hamptons and elsewhere, is being accused by his grown, former model daughter of having had an affair with Martha Stewart, for whom he built a house. She says that's what caused the rift that eventually led to Krupinski cutting off her $26,000 per month allowance and kicking her out of the family's mansion in Bedford. This woman is 46 years old, by the way. But she still had an allowance. It sounds like she's maybe not in the best mental state, but that doesn't mean she isn't telling the truth. I like the idea of Martha Stewart having an affair with her contractor. Don't you? That sounds right. Mid-coitus she's talking about door jambs and crown molding and whatnot, asking him about quartz countertops and pasta faucets as they maneuver into an elaborate position. That seems correct to me. [Page Six]
Well it's Friday and people are still shocked that Clint Eastwood has a deeply attractive son — where have you guys been? Some of us have known this for years — so here are more pictures of Scott Eastwood. Because why not. [Us Weekly]
Tunisian Teens Are Helping Out the Syrian Rebels with 'Sexual Jihad'
In the heart of the Syrian civil war, there is a group of young Tunisian women doing everything they can to aid Syrian opposition fighters. They are determined to overthrow the cruel regime of Bashar al Assad with one sexually-satisfied rebel at a time.
"They have sexual relations with 20, 30, 100 [rebels]" Tunisian Interior Minister Lotfi ben Jeddou claimed in an address before the Tunisia's National Constituent Assembly on Thursday, explaining that the girls are coming home pregnant. "They come back bearing the fruit of sexual contacts in the name of sexual jihad and we are silent doing nothing and standing idle," he added.
What this sounds like is a modern-day flashback to "comfort women", the term given to women and girls forced into prostitution and sexually servicing the men of the Japanese Imperial army during World War II. Historians estimate that nearly three-fourths of these women died, and many were left infertile due to trauma and disease. Ben Jeddou "did not say how many Tunisian women were thought to have gone to Syria for such a purpose, although media reports have said hundreds have done so," the AFP reports.
Local media reports also say that a startling number of these sexual jihadists are young girls. Earlier this month, the controversial Salafist Saudi Sheikh Mohamed al-Arifi's issued "a fatwa that permits fighters to marry few hours with girls as young as 14," the Al Bawaba news site reported. Mohamed al Arifi's fatwa explains the call for young girls. But it also explains how how religion can be used to justify all this sex.
"Jihad al-nikah, permitting extramarital sexual relations with multiple partners, is considered by some hardline Sunni Muslim Salafists as a legitimate form of holy war, " the AFP reports. And Al Bawaba adds, "Hezbollah – Lebanon’s party of God - has reportedly promoted the practice of temporary marriage in the past, notably during the July war with Israel in 2006."
The question that remains is if this is prostitution and exploitation of teenage girls, or are they autonomous women really supporting Syria. Jeddou and the Interior Ministry believe this is closer to prostitution and a reason to stop Tunisians from traveling to Syria. He explained that these women are the reason the country has banned around 6,000 Tunisians from traveling to Syria since March and that they've arrested 86 people involved with "networks" involving sexual jihadists, Al Arabiya reports.
J.J. Abrams Wants His 'Star Wars' to Be Like the 'Star Wars' of Your Childhood
Details about J.J. Abrams upcoming Star Wars installment have been few and far between, but Abrams finally said something about it in an interview with Entertainment Weekly: he wants to "make a movie that feels as emotional and authentic and exciting as possible." Basically, he wants to recapture the magic of the originals.
Talking with James Hibberd, Abrams said: "I remember reading a thing somewhere, someone wrote about just wanting [the new film] to feel real; to feel authentic. I remember I felt that way when I was 11 years old when I saw the first one. As much of a fairy tale as it was, it felt real. And to me, that is exactly right." This is great news, considering all George Lucas' computer animated tinkering in the prequels made the Star Wars universe look more like a cartoon filled with people rather than a fantasy brought to real, gritty life.
Abrams' comments come as casting rumors for the film swirl, the most potent of which revolve around Benedict Cumberbatch, who is in every movie these days. Yesterday, Latino Review's El Mayimbe reported that David Oyelowo of The Butler went in for a role and hot-in-Hollywood Fruitvale Station actor Michael B. Jordan met with Abrams. But they were also the ones behind the recently debunked "Arnold Schwartzenegger in Avatar 2" rumor, so take it with a grain of salt as big as Dagobah.
John Hodgman Has Some Obamacare Advice for Deranged Millionaires
Obamacare is facing a ton of backlash from conservatives, but businesses aren't too keen on the plan either. And as Jon Stewart put it on last night's Daily Show, the problem boils down to our country's independent spirit. "Americans like freedom, and we don't like being told what to do, whether by a king or the government. And that's why things like seatbelt laws or having to get rid of slaves were met with so much resistance," Stewart said. "Well guess what? Now they're coming for your health care."
Of course, there are two ways for businesses to get around the Obamacare requirement — they can pay a $2,000 penalty (as opposed to the roughly $10,000 a year it costs a business to provide healthcare coverage) or they can cut their full-time staff to part-time. Either way, employers are saving themselves a few grand per employee, and telling their employees to, in Stewart's words, "to go f*** themselves."
[image error]No one knows more about exploiting employees than the Daily Show's resident deranged millionaire John Hodgman. When asked about employers gaming the healthcare system, Hodgman called them amateurs. "Reducing work hours, cutting employee roles, I mean these idiots are still playing mandatory overtime for work on weekends," Hodgman replied. How do you get out of paying weekend overtime? Change the calendar.
Besides, how do you offer maternity leave if you pay overtime, Hodgman countered. "You offer maternity leave?" Stewart asked. "Sure I do," Hodgman said. "If someone gets pregnant, they can leave."
But really, the key to Hodgman's cost cutting plan is to employ children. While it's illegal to hire child laborers, it's okay to hire child actors. "Yes, I'm making a movie. It's a heartwarming story of a bunch of misfit kids who come together under the leadership of a grumpy but lovable coach to form an underdog shirtwaist factory," Hodgman said. "I've been filming for seven years, 16 hours a day." Businesses sure could learn a thing or two from this guy.
The Little Ways Government Snooping Fears Take a Toll on Tech Companies
Two very different technology offerings were dropped on Thursday because of fears that the US and China might be trying to spy on the customers using them.
In Baltimore, Maryland —just down the road from the headquarters of the National Security Agency in Ft. Meade—a US company called CyberPoint International lost a contract to provide a videoconferencing system to the federal government after US Customs determined that CyberPoint’s offering was in fact Chinese, substantially made by telecom equipment maker ZTE. A US House Intelligence panel has recommended that government agencies and contractors should avoid using equipment made by ZTE and its larger Chinese counterpart Huawei, because of fears that they might have ties to the Chinese military that could compromise the security of federal computer networks. ZTE and Huawei have strenuously denied the claims.
Meanwhile, another US company called RSA Security—a unit of computer storage giant EMC—quietly told its customers to stop using a software encryption algorithm that it had long recommended. According to documents leaked by whistleblower Edward Snowden, the NSA, which helped create the Dual Elliptic Curve Deterministic Random Bit Generator (or Dual EC DRBG for short), had secretly introduced vulnerabilities into the algorithm so it could exploit them later.
Experts have long suspected that Dual EC DRBG, which generates a quasi-random string of numbers to be used in encryption, was intentionally flawed. According to an article by cryptologist Bruce Schneier back in 2007, it is several orders of magnitude slower than competing algorithms, and contains a glaring weakness that makes it susceptible to attack: Whoever possesses a secret set of numbers essentially has a “skeleton key.”
The New York Times, the Guardian, and ProPublica reported at the beginning of the month that after the NSA “lost a public battle in the 1990s to insert its own ‘back door’ in all encryption, it set out to accomplish the same goal by stealth.” RSA’s tacit admission that it has been recommending a compromised algorithm is unlikely to be the last of these revelations.
Schneier, who is now working with the Guardian on its NSA reporting, noted on his blog this week that it is also possible to surreptitiously tamper with computer chips to modify a random number generator, making it drastically easier to crack an encryption scheme. “I have no idea if the NSA convinced Intel to do this with the hardware random number generator it embedded into its CPU chips, but I do know that it could,” he wrote. “Yes, this is a conspiracy theory. But I’m not willing to discount such things anymore. That’s the worst thing about the NSA’s actions. We have no idea whom we can trust.”
China is already planning to probe EMC, IBM, and Oracle over “security issues,” according to the state-run Shanghai Securities News. Trade groups have projected that the NSA hacking could end up costing US technology firms billions in lost sales if their foreign clients suspect that the NSA will have surreptitious access to their systems.
Meanwhile, the allegations against ZTE and Huawei have not been backed up with any evidence that their products have any intentional vulnerabilities that hackers from China or elsewhere could exploit. But it is becoming very clear why American intelligence officials, knowing what their own spy agency has been up to, are so worried about China doing the same thing.
The Year's Strongest Storm Is Headed for Hong Kong
An atmospheric monster has blossomed in the western Pacific Ocean, and it could have a devastating impact on Hong Kong this weekend.
On Thursday, Super Typhoon Usagi—now officially Earth’s strongest storm this year—rapidly grew from tropical storm strength to the equivalent of a category five hurricane, the scale’s highest level. That transformation occurred in an impressively short period of time: the storm’s estimated winds increased in speed by about 85mph (140kph) in less than a day—good enough for one of the fastest intensification rates ever recorded. Maximum wind gusts within Usagi are now estimated to be an incredible 170 knots (see below), or 195 mph (315 kph).
And it may be even stronger than that. Unlike in the Atlantic Ocean, there are no direct ‘hurricane hunter‘-style aircraft observations of typhoons in the Pacific, so we don’t really know how strong this mega-storm is. One 
The Psychology of the Gold iPhone
The psychology of iPhone buying is such that people will want the gold iPhone and Apple knows that, which is why it's no surprise that the iPhone's newest color is already in short supply after less than a day of sales. "I want the gold one and everyone wants the gold one," the eighth person in line at New York's Fifth Avenue store told ABC News Friday morning. Unlike the other colors, the shipping date for the blingiest iPhone has already been pushed to October in the U.S.. And, gold is so popular in China, Apple has reportedly increased production of the models to meet demand. "I don't care what's inside the device," Lian Jiyu, who was waiting in line at a Beijing Apple store, told The Wall Street Journal's Ian Sherr. "Chinese people like gold."
The gold iPhone has the same exact insides as the space grey and white models. It doesn't have any additional gold-related functions, nor is it not overwhelmingly better looking than the other two colors. Some people "adore" the look and it's certainly not as "tacky" as tech pundits anticipated, but in general, it looks just like the other two. Yet, there's a clearly more excitement about the gold one than other two.
That's because the desire goes beyond aesthetics. When going into the Apple store this first day of sales, consumers want to pick a phone that will make them unique, Sheena Iyengar, author of the best selling book The Art Of Choosing, explained in this Business Insider video. "You think white will be less frequently chosen," she said back when Apple had increased the color palate to include white. "I must be different." So, when going into the Apple store this morning, people figure that the least conventional choice — gold — will also prove less popular. So, they pick that.
Of course, it sounds pretty ridiculous, there are only three color choices for a phone that millions of people will buy: Even if you pick the least popular color, you will look exactly like lots of other people. That's partly the power of consumer psychology. "Color is one of the most visually distinctive - and personal - things about a new iPhone, which makes it one of the most important choices you'll have to make," wrote, in all seriousness, iMore's Rene Ritchie.
But there's another force at play: "Shownership," a phenomenon described by Jenna Wortham over at Bits blog. "I want people to know that this is a new phone," an aspiring owner of an iPhone 5C, which comes in a rainbow of colors, told her. The gold plumage signals the latest technology, whereas the other colors look nearly identical to last year's model. "Apple isn’t just about ownership — it’s about shownership, and inspiring desire and jealousy in those around you that you’ve got the latest device," writes Wortham.
Paris Enlists Foreigners to Win Back Its Literary Groove
The City of Love has had a falling out with literature. And in its quest to get back to its literary pinnacle, Paris is turning to outsiders for help.
This weekend, Paris hopes to turn around a several decades-long literary decline with an international conference of literary leaders, featuring names like Salman Rushdie, John Banville, and Chimamanda Ngozi Adichi. Various city cultural organizations have donated to the efforts to get Paris back on the map, including the Bibliothèque Nationale de France and the Louvre museum.
But despite those homegrown efforts, the real thrust for the conference came from outsiders. The key benefactor is none other than New York City-based Columbia University, which is paying for both the writers' transportation fees and for the cost of translating the festival's panel sessions into French. And the idea behind the conference comes from an American working with Columbia, Paul LeClerc, and an Australian working as the festival's artistic director, Caro Llewellyn, according to The New York Times.
That Paris needed to reach out to this foreign help to hold a major literary conference shows some of the issues it has been having in the cultural realm.
“There’s a sense in America that France is a country of culture, but when you are looking from the inside, a lot of people have been complaining that France needs to find its beating heart again,” said French-Iranian writer Lila Azam Zanganeh, who now lives in — you guessed it — New York. "There was a bit of a trough, a slump, and I think France is looking for its pulse.”
If the French are in need a pulse, they enlisted foreigners to act as the AED. Even the festival's description admits that its goal is to honor "the idea that New York and Paris are intellectual and cultural capitals as well as centers of their respective publishing industries." The Big Croissant's brightest hope is to reach an equal level as the Big Apple.
So will the plan to enlist foreign help work? The Louvre website certainly thinks so. “Fortunately, the Americans are here to remind us that Paris is a great literary capital — at least for the weekend.”
Also this weekend is the Brooklyn Book Festival. Coincidence? We think not.
September 19, 2013
JPMorgan Fined $920 Million for the London Whale Trades
Last year, JPMorgan Chase lost more than $6 billion when an impossibly large trading gamble went bad. It cost the company another $51 billion in market value when investors learned about the botched trades, and now they will spend close to $1 billion more to settle lawsuits from government regulators. The company announced today it will pay the SEC, the Federal Reserve, and the United Kingdom's Financial Conduct Authority a total of $920 million for "failing to implement adequate controls" in its internal trading office.
JPMorgan also had to admit that it made "mistakes" at the Chief Investment Office in London, where one trader, Bruno Iksil, amassed positions so large he became known to other traders as the London Whale. At least three top executives, including the head of the CIO, Ina Drew, have left the company because of the scandal and several managers had their pay "clawed back." CEO Jamie Dimon also took a pay cut after the loss took a huge chunk out of the company's performance in 2012.
Two former traders were also indicted on fraud charges for allegedly trying to cover up the losses, once it became apparent how much the bank stood to lose when the trades went south. While the settlement ends the regulatory investigation, it doesn't close the door on possible criminal charges from the Justice Department, who are still investigating any claims of fraud.
Despite the massive fines this is still in not the biggest financial settlement between Wall Street banks the government. The nation's biggest firms have paid over $30 billion in cash and other assistance over the last two years, mostly to cover claims related to mortgage fraud and abuse.
The Famke Janssen Mystery Has Been Solved, Sort Of
Do you remember last month when actress Famke Janssen found a terrifying children's book in her bedroom, left there by persons or forces unknown? It was a very scary story, this coming home to find an eerie book about a doll in her bedroom, and we all wondered what could have happened. Security tapes showed no signs of a break-in, so it was a complete mystery. Well now the police are saying that Janssen owned the book all along. See, they found some to-do lists or something tucked into The Lonely Doll (that is what the book is called! Shrieeeeeek!!), so they figure that between that fact and there being no one on the security tapes, Janssen must have already owned the book. So, case closed. Except, um, not at all closed??? According to The New York Post, "Janssen is not expected to be charged with filing a false report because she honestly believes that someone broke into her apartment and planted the book." Which... Um. If Famke Janssen still doesn't think the book is hers, but the police think it is hers, what the heck is going on?? Is the NYPD gaslighting Famke Janssen? Is Famke Janssen buying children's books and then forgetting she bought them? Famke Janssen doesn't have any children as far as I'm aware. So why would she be buying children's books and then tucking lists into them and then forgetting about them? I mean, you all see what is happening here, don't you? It's exactly what we've all long suspected. It's ghosts. It's straight-up ghosts. Janssen needs to wrap all her mattresses in plastic and put her clothes in bags and then run screaming into the street because holy hell ghosts are leaving frightening children's books in her bedroom and now even the police don't believe her. This Post story is written as if everything is solved now, i's dotted and t's crossed, but to me this only poses more questions. So many more questions. Supernatural questions. Questions from the beyond. Famke, this is terrifying. You need to move. And maybe come to terms with something that happened back in your childhood in The Netherlands. Whatever ghostly story it is. Because it has followed you. And it is not going to stop. [The New York Post]
Are Andy Cohen and hockey star Sean Avery on the hook up? ("On the hook up" is a thing I'm trying today, if you don't like it please downvote and leave your suggestions in the comments.) Lots of people think they are smooshing because they're always hanging out and Andy posts pictures like this of the two of them shirtless and close on some blasted beach somewhere. It's a long-running rumor, and now it's gotten to the point that people are saying they're engaged to be married, husband and husband, the fashion-conscious hockey star and the host of a cable access program that he films in his basement. The rumors have become so widespread that TMZ finally decided to get to the bottom (or the top? The vers? Get to the vers?) of the matter and ask Andy: "Is you two...?" And, I'm sorry to all you Sandy shippers out there, but Andy said no. Sean Avery is a straight person and the two of them are just friends. "Can't a gay guy and a straight guy be friends?" Andy asked, fairly. But then he said that he'd be happy if the two of them were "banging," but they're not. So Andy, are you friends or do you want to squish? The TMZ idiots were correct in finding that a bit suspect. What do you think, readers? Does America's gay uncle have a real friend in Sean Avery, or is it just someone he wants to boink? It's an important question, so really think on it. [TMZ]
Kelly Osbourne is suing her old landlord because he refused to give her security deposit back when she moved out, despite never having inspected the apartment. He's just trying to keep it, because landlords are jerks. But Kelly isn't taking it, in fact she's taking him to court. Good for her! Stand up to those crooked landlords. And get your $2,000 back. Hm? What's that? Her security deposit was actually $18,700? Good grief. Does that mean her rent was $18,700 a month? Because yowsers. Yowsers and then some more yowsers. Fashion Police must pay well. [The Wrap]
Here's a melancholy little story about Robin Lively, older sister of actress Blake Lively, doing some sort of choreographed dance from her 24-year-old movie Teen Witch at her sister's wedding to Ryan Reynolds. That wedding was like a year ago, but we're just hearing about this now. Robin Lively did the Teen Witch dance at her sister's wedding. Just thought you should know that. [Us Weekly]
Don't want to break any hearts here, but Kate Winslet was never going to change her name to Kate Rocknroll, even though her new husband's name is Ned Rocknroll. Yeah, she says "I've never changed my name to anything, so I didn't see a reason to start now." Fair enough! Modern woman, I can dig it. But also, c'mon, Kate, fess up. You might have considered it if you'd married Ned Jones or Ned Clark. Maybe. A brief second of consideration. But Rocknroll? I am sure she fretted over that for weeks, if not months. That is a really tough decision. Do you stay Kate Winslet or become Kate Rocknroll and immediately start living inside the The Who's Tommy? It's a personal decision for every woman, and she's finally made it. She's said no to the fantasy, and stuck with boring old reality. Oh well, at least her kid's last name will be Rocknroll. At least there's that. [People]
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