Atlantic Monthly Contributors's Blog, page 1092

Carnival Won't Reimburse Coast Guard For Poop Cruise Rescue

Carnival "Poop" Cruises, tickets for which are cheaper than usual for some reason, will not reimburse the Coast Guard the $780,000 it spent rescuing the crap-encrusted Triumph from itself, the AP reports.

Carnival was responding to a letter from West Virginia Senator Jay Rockefeller in which he noted that because Carnival is incorporated in Panama, it pays "little to nothing in federal taxes" -- taxes that, by the way, pay for the Coast Guard to rescue its ships when they catch on fire and are adrift in the Gulf of Mexico for five days. Or in the Pacific Ocean for three days.

The cruise line, owned by the same corporation that owns Italy's Costa Cruises (of Concordia "fame"), didn't quite say it wouldn't pay the Coast Guard back, just that it would "honor maritime tradition that holds that the duty to render assistance at sea to those in need is a universal obligation of the entire maritime community." Carnival made sure to point out that its ships have assisted the Coast Guard in other rescues, so they should be square, right? 

In other Carnival news, its Fascination recently failed a health inspection from the Center for Disease Control. 

       

Is a World Without Fleet Week a World You'd Want to Live in?

If You Hate Fleet Week You Hate America

By Philip Bump

Each year, the United States Navy brings several vessels into New York Harbor for an informal event known as "Fleet Week." If you've ever seen a production of On the Town, you know the look: fresh-faced young guys in crisp, white uniforms, trying not to look like they're looking up at the tall buildings. Fewer musical numbers in real life, but still fun.

This year, it's probably not going to happen. The sequestration may mean that this year's stopover will be cancelled. This is bad news for the bars and restaurants and bars and retail stores in Midtown. But it's mostly bad news for the sailors.

The sales pitch for the Navy is a little different than for the other branches of the Armed Services, or at least it has been, traditionally. See the world, it promises. It's easy to romanticize this, both as a potential recruit and as an observer of the successfully recruited. But there's an element of truth to it! My father-in-law enlisted in the Navy, and he saw the world in a way that would likely never have happened had he remained in Southern California. (Granted, part of that world was an extended stop in Vietnam.)

As a resident of New York, I understand but often forget that this is the greatest city in the world. Tourists can be a frustration to locals, as tourists are usually quick to perceive. But there are always tourists here, usually wearing generic "NYC" ballcaps purchased from snickering bodega owners and stopping dead on the sidewalk to marvel at New Yorkisms like our authentic Famous Famiglia pizzas. What Fleet Week adds isn't a new congestion; it adds a group of tourists who at the very least are sharply dressed. Perhaps a bit more prone to public vomiting, but the pigeons usually take care of that.

Imagine you're a kid from Nebraska who wants to go to college, who wants to visit these places you've heard about. Korea, Singapore, the Panama Canal. And then one day, your vessel approaches the coast. It slips under one of the longest suspension bridges in the world. It turns a corner at the end of Brooklyn and you see the high rises of Manhattan. To the left, the Statue of Liberty, stock-still for decades. You know that in half an hour, you'll be on leave in a city you've seen in magazines and on Law and Order and in basically every movie you can think of. Even when you didn't pay it much mind growing up, it was always there, this bright spot on East Coast that maybe seemed like it was too far away to ever reach. And here you are.

As I said, it's easy to romanticize. But if this is even close to the experience of these young people — even the ones who then end up barfing in St. Mark's Place at 3 some Thursday morning — it's worth giving them that experience. They signed up to spend months bouncing through the empty ocean on the off chance we need them to protect us. Damn the sequester. It's worth the cost to let these kids actually see the part of the world they've committed to defend. It's worth it just for them to be able to say, in two decades time, "Yeah. I've been to New York." To be able to watch On the Town and say, "Pft. It's not like that at all."

This Is State-Sanctioned Depravity

By Elspeth Reeve

The Sex and the City fantasy of cosmopolitan ladies preying upon handsome and innocent cornfed sailors and Marines for sex is wrong and dumb. It is in the United States Armed Forces that people actually do the kinky sex you people read about in your terrible 50 Shades of Grey stories. Of the 10 weirdest sex stories I've ever heard, 100 percent were told by Army people, 30 percent involved hookers, 20 percent involved barfing, and 10 percent involved intentional barfing. Could the Navy and Marines be much different? Smug New Yorkers must understand that they're the provincial naifs in this situation. 

As evidence, I merely point to the story of American wars, which has been a continuing struggle to prevent our fighting men and women from becoming incapacitated by STDs. The prime weapons of the government have been guilt, shame, an ineffective penis soap, and condom distribution. According to the book Black Death: AIDS in Africa, 766 of ever 1,000 American soldiers stationed in France had some kind of STD by September 1919. Assistant secretary to the Navy Franklin Delano Roosevelt ordered sailors to be issued prophylactic kits. The military was smarter in World War II. Soldiers going to Brussels got a tour guide that listed tourist attractions as well as the city's seven "Pro Stations," where they could get condoms. Here's something similar issued to soldiers at Fort Benning, Georgia in 1943.

The military also tried psy ops. They used fear:

And:

Shame:

Guilt:

In conclusion, this great ad for the U.S. military offers a lesson for you ladies:

       

This Is What Happens When You Let Celebrities Have Kickstarters

Today in show business news: Now Melissa Joan Hart wants your money for a movie, The Newsroom has a season premiere date, and a look at a new Romeo & Juliet.

Don't say I didn't warn you. Now that the Veronica Mars movie is happening thanks to thousands of loyal, money-giving fans, other old acts are trying to get in on the Kickstarter game to fund their little projects. Enter Melissa Joan Hart, former teen queen of Clarissa and Sabrina fame, who, not simply content with Melissa & Joey I guess, has started a Kickstarter campaign to fund a movie called Darci's Walk of Shame. See, she wants to do something risque and dirty, to prove she's not just some innocent former teen princess on an ABC Family sitcom with a former teen prince. No, she's an adult and this could be her adult movie. (Not that kind of adult movie.) And all she's asking for is $2,000,000 in the next 43 days. Yes. $2,000,000. Seems... modest. And what are some of the prizes that you'll receive should you donate? Oh, y'know, for $300 or more MJH will follow you on Twitter for an entire year! (This was offered by Kristen Bell and crew too.) For $5,000 or more? You get a costume worn by MJH in the movie. Meaning for $5,000 you get a low-budget movie starring Melissa Joan Hart and some old clothes. Terrific. Look, people are free to spend their money how they want, and hey the project has already raised over $13,000 as of 4 PM EDT, but good grief, guys. Is this really what we want? Is this really what we want to encourage? I really don't think it is. Oh well. What can you do. Kick on, starters. [Kickstarter]

Set your phasers to stunned that this show really exists! HBO has announced that season two of everyone's favorite hate-watch The Newsroom will premiere on Sunday, July 14. Oh isn't that exciting? There's so much recent news for them to preach to us about, so many big self-important speeches to be made, so many madcap opportunities for all the women characters to act frazzled and crazy until a calm man comes and helps them. Is it July yet? I really cannot wait. [Deadline]

Hm. Kristin Chenoweth has been cast opposite Matthew Broderick on a CBS pilot. She'll play Broderick's sister, so we at least will not have to endure them having some sort of Broadwayyyyy romance. Still, though. This worries me. Chenoweth and Broderick are likable on their own (unless they're hosting the Oscars red carpet, in Chenoweth's case), but together? That sounds like a lot. Doesn't it? I mean theater people are great and all, except... are they that great? On their own, maybe. But when you put theater people together, things can get pretty awful pretty quickly. Trust me, I am one of those people, and I have some shameful memories from college days. Ever been to a college theater party? If not, consider yourself lucky. I'm not suggesting that Chenoweth and Broderick together on some CBS pilot is going to be like a college theater party, I'm just saying that it might be a little much. But who knows. Maybe they'll make comedy magic together. And if this pilot doesn't work out, maybe they can team up on Broadway. Kiss Me Kate? [The Hollywood Reporter]

Speaking of theater, here is a trailer for a movie version of Romeo & Juliet. Don't know Romeo & Juliet? Oh it's a play "From the greatest playwright who ever lived," according to the trailer. Haaaa. Do we really need that descriptor when talking about g.d. Shakespeare?? It's like they're saying that he would have won a Tony or an Oscar or something had those things existed four hundred and fifty years ago. Very silly. And then it goes on to call Romeo & Juliet "the greatest love story ever told." Is it? Is it really? It's maybe the most important in the Western canon, influential as it's been, but is it the "greatest"? Two teens meet, want to do it real bad but aren't supposed to, two gang members are killed in duels, and then the kids kill themselves. It's dramatic, sure, but is it the greatest? I just don't think it is! So there's some controversy for you on a Friday afternoon. Romeo & Juliet is not the greatest. Anyway, the movie looks kind of silly. I mean, it's Chuck Bass and Sideways from Sideways doing fancy Shakespeare. Plus Douglas Booth looks like he was made in some sort of whimsical Renaissance-era laboratory. Douglas Booth: A Leonardo Da Vinci creation. Preposterous. 

       

How to Watch the MTV Movie Awards if You Are an Adult

The MTV Movie Awards are this Sunday, and while you are almost definitely skipping the annual handing out of golden popcorn statues for kissing and shirtless acting—Mad Men and Game of Thrones are still happening, after all—the Oscars of absolutely nothing will, in fact, provide some moments of movie geekery and/or humor that you may want to Google once you're done contemplating Don Draper's latest existential crisis. Here are some of those things. None of them involve "catfishing."

Rebel Wilson 

Wilson, who has proved herself a hilarious sidekick in films like Bridesmaids and Pitch Perfect, as well as a fantastic talk show guest, now has the task of holding down an entire awards show as host. We're inclined to have faith in Wilson, but her network promos with Channing Tatum haven't exactly been inspired. Channing Tatum is hot. Rebel Wilson is frisky. We get it.

Get More: 2013 MTV Movie Awards, Latest Movie News, Rebel Wilson, Channing Tatum

 

Wilson knows this is a big test for her. She told Entertainment Weekly: "I cohosted one once — the Australian version of the Grammys, called the ARIAs — but this is, like, a whole different league. The audience is so much bigger — and so are the celebrities who come. So it's pretty cool to be attempting to host it." She'll open the show with a Pitch Perfect reunion musical number, which should be as charming as the movie itself, we hope. 

The Hunger Games

Okay, so if you didn't know this was happening already, you probably don't care, but let's reiterate: The Hunger Games: Catching Fire will debut a teaser trailer for the movie at the awards. Don't get your hopes up too much.

Get More: 2013 MTV Movie Awards, Latest Movie News, Jennifer Lawrence, Elizabeth Banks

 

MTV was also responsible for debuting the teaser for the first film at the VMAs in 2011, and that didn't really amount to much. 

Iron Man 3

Per MTV, there will be an "extended look" at Iron Man 3. Of course, we've already gotten a lot of looks at Iron Man 3, so we're kind of just ready to see the damn movie already. But we'll probably overanalyze the new footage just as much as you will.

Kim Kardashian

Do you care about baby bumps? If you do, note that Kim Kardashian will be in attendance. She's introducing Selena Gomez, whose performance you might want to pay attention to... if you're fascinated, like we are, about the career trajectories of Spring Breakers stars. 

Awards? 

Okay, so no one really cares about awards at this show, do they? If you must, Jamie Foxx, Will Ferrell and Emma Watson are getting the Cecil B. DeMille Awards of this thing—and we can only hope one of them goes all Jodie Foster and does a Molly Shannon impression. As for everything thing else, well, this is an awards show wherein Oscar-winning performances from Anne Hathaway and Jennifer Lawrence are going up against Mila Kunis in Ted, so make of that what you will. That said, if Channing Tatum loses best shirtless performance to the bear from Ted, we may sue someone. 

Brad Pitt 

As USA Today points out Brad Pitt is sparing with his public appearances, but someone told him he needs to promote World War Z. So he's going to be at the show handing out the award for Movie of the Year. We assume his introduction will go something like this, right before he hands the prize over to Ted: 

       

North Dakota Is Determined to Make You Have Your Baby

On the heels of a measure that bans abortion after six weeks of pregnancy and in the midst of a purposeful challenge to Roe v. Wade, North Dakota's legislature has sent another restrictive abortion bill to be signed by Governor Jack Dalrymple—and this one would outlaw abortions after 20 weeks or pregnancy, built on the premise that fetuses feel pain. "The so-called 'fetal pain' bill passed the House with a 60-32 vote," the AP reported Friday afternoon. "The bill, which was approved by the Senate 30-17 in February, now goes to the Republican governor, who has hinted he will sign it."

So, soon enough, the easiest way to get an abortion in the North Dakota area is going to be a trip to Minnesota. If (and more like when) Dalrymple signs this bill into law, North Dakota will become one of almost two dozen states to pass a "fetal pain" law. But it's just the latest way that the North Dakota legislature has chipped into Roe v. Wade, which gives women a constitutionally-protected right to abortion services until a medically-accepted point of viability—around 22-24 weeks. But, yeah, this is the same North Dakota legislature which, in March, advanced a bill that banned after six weeks of pregnancy—meaning this latest 20-week ban overlaps with that six-week ban. (Pro-choice advocates argue that six weeks is too early, as most women find out they're pregnant between weeks four and seven weeks, according to the American Pregnancy Organization.)

Both of those will go into effect on August 1. And that means, come August 1, the one abortion clinic in the state will be out of work. Which also brings up the question: Why are all these restrictive measures on abortion being passed in a state where only one place can perform?

As the left-leaning Think Progress writes, it's not about the state's abortion clinic: Dalrymple "admitted he signed the legislation specifically because he wants to invite a legal battle that could test the limits of Roe v. Wade," TP's Tara Culp-Ressler wrote this week, noting that the impending legal fights aren't going to come cheap, as the state's Attorney General has already asked for—and was granted—a $400,000 budget increase to defend the state against abortion-rights activists.

       

How to Choose the Right Version of Facebook Home for You

Facebook's biggest foray into cellphone software, Home, is now officially available to the cellphone masses. Or at least for the mass of AT&T subscribers who want to buy the $99 new HTC First. And those who already own an Android phone—or at least an HTC One X, HTC One X+, Samsung Galaxy S III, Samsung Galaxy Note II, or, next month, Samsung Galaxy S IV—can download the software from the Google Play store right now. Not only all that, but for those of who just want Chat Heads—arguably the best part of Facebook's surprisingly innovative Facebook-first platform—there's even a separate Facebook Messenger app download. All of which leaves all of you with a lot of choices, we know, for a totally new thing that might be a little too different from your normal everyday mass cellphone experience. For those having trouble deciding whether to take the plunge, we put together this little personality guide for the dawn of the "Facebook phone" era.

If You're a Facebook Addict, or Aspiring to Be One. You should get the HTC First, which comes with Facebook Home preinstalled. It's only $99, and we hear it's a really addictive—even if it's for those types of Facebook obsessed peons. So, you might as well give in to your addiction and buy the darn thing. That way you can have the the social network greet you... before even unlocking the screen. If you need a quick fix, just feign checking the time or your messages to get some sweet, sweet social media time. 

If You're a Recovering Facebook Addict. You should get an iPhone. It doesn't sound like Home will come to an iOS operated screen any time soon. Any of the Android devices will only tempt you, and it's so easy to fall off the wagon. Do yourself a favor and buy a phone that requires more than zero swipes to get to the Facebook app. 

If You're of the Tech Elite or Aspiring to Be. You probably own an iPhone. But, say you happen to have one of the fancier Androids. Well, then you should download or update the Facebook Messenger app. Then you can use Chat Heads, which despite a name has everyone made fun of—and now dispute!—have definitely received the "cool" seal of approval. 

If You Can Decide If You Like a Product Without Reading Multiple 3,000 Word Reviews. Since Facebook Home costs zero dollars, you might as well just download it on your phone via the Google Play store right here and give it a whirl. It takes very little time, and if you don't like it, hell, you can just get rid of it. If you don't own one of the Android devices that's compatible with Home, have a friend download it for you. Or head on over the an AT&T store and play around with the HTC First. It seems pretty fun. Happy Home-ing.

       

There Is No Sandwich More Perfect Than the Grilled Cheese

Did you know that today is National Grilled Cheese Day? Alas, it may be too late to celebrate at lunch, but there's still time for dinner. (There's always time for dinner, or should be.) So, before we move to the other perfect sandwich—good tomato and a dash of mayo on white bread with a bit of salt, best eaten over the sink in the summertime—let's offer up our kudos to the best sandwich in the land, the humble, tasty, adaptable yet affordable yet delicious grilled cheese.

Why do we love you, grilled cheese? Let us count the ways.

You are easy to make. We pretty much always have your ingredients—cheese, two slices of bread, heat, and butter or margarine. You can be made in a toaster, on the stove, in a pan, in the oven, in a microwave, on a grill, in a panini press, by a 10-year-old, by our robot butler, inside, in the out-of-doors, wherever! 

You are cheap. You cost only a few dollars at the bodega downstairs, and we don't have to wait very long for you to arrive after ordering. If we make you at home, unless we deign to go all high-end, we can make you for a week and spend no more than the price of a loaf of bread and some cheese slices. 

You are convenient and easy-going. You are easily carried in one hand. You do not break apart when we eat you, thanks to the cheese that holds you together. Nor do you leave pieces of lettuce or tomato or shards of meat everywhere, like you've been attacked by a sloppy hamster. You tend, also, to be less crumby than the typical sandwich, thanks to the butter that's on you. You arrive in foil, which means that unwrapping you is almost like a present, and also that we can eat you without getting our fingers greasy. Also, you are filling, yet not too filling.

You are comforting. You go perfectly with soup. You keep us warm on chilly evenings. Maybe we ate you when we were home sick from school, and you always made us feel better. We learned how to make you from our grandmothers, who still make you better than anyone else. You are a treat that we don't even really feel that bad about—even if we eat two. (Often, you're small!)

You are adaptable. You are a strong foundation for any meal. You can be made in "diet" versions, like with low-fat cheese, and with Pam instead of butter, and miraculously, you still taste rather O.K. You can be fancified—bleu cheese, or fontina, or aged gouda, mayhaps?; rustic wholegrain, or special sourdough?—and you can be plain. You accept add-ons, like bacon and tomato, turkey or arugula. You go with pretty much anything, except maybe peanut butter, a sandwich that pales in comparison to you.

You tell us things. If people don't like you, we know to be a little wary around them, not sure if they are friend or foe or simply to be pitied because they are lactose intolerant. We must learn to trust those people, or keep them at arm's length. When people love you, we know that we can love them, too. If someone makes us a good grilled cheese, we know to try to keep them in our lives forever.

Like life, you are a combination of things hard and soft. Crispy and crunchy on the outside, soft and melted in the middle, maybe with jalapeno peppers thrown in for some kick, maybe with your tips dipped in Sriracha. You are a metaphor for ourselves, with our tough exteriors and mushy, lovable hearts. 

You are better than the rest. You are so much better than the mushy-breaded panini with the unmelted mozzarella I had for lunch. Plain old turkey and Swiss on some sandwich bread with a slap of bitter mustard? Boring. Ham needs pickles to be as good as you, and you're better with pickles than ham is. Thanksgiving leftovers sandwiches, yes, they're great, but that's largely because they are so rare and seasonal. Sure, you can buy an expensive artisanal sandwich at some fancy artisanal sandwich shop, or maybe you just love corned beef and that trumps grilled cheese in your view. People may criticize the grilled cheese for its lack of lettuce, for the fact that it should be hot (and therefore is not summer-friendly), or because it has pretty much one taste the whole way through, but I don't buy it. I'm sorry if you are lactose intolerant and cannot enjoy the perfection of the GC, which, for dollars-to-bites deliciousness and satisfaction, takes it home. 

On National Grilled Cheese Day, we lift you to our mouths, and eat. Note: All of April is Grilled Cheese Month, apparently. Of course, "holiday" or not, every day is a day for cheese. 

Insets via Flickr/Mack Male.

       

Jon Stewart on the GOP's New Yada Yada Yada Strategy

Jon Stewart used a famous Seinfeld joke to explain how Republicans are approaching trying to woo black voters. In a speech at Howard University Rand Paul tried to argue that the reason black voters haven't been voting Republican is because the GOP hasn't been talking enough about their connection to black history, i.e. being the party of Abraham Lincoln. But Stewart reminds him: "See, because for the last 50 years, the Republican Party has embraced a craven political calculation known as the Southern strategy." So basically, the Republicans are trying to "yada yada yada" history. 

 

       

North Korea Says Tokyo Is Target No. 1

Don't look now, but the birthday of Kim Jong-un's grandfather, Kim Il-Sung, is right around the corner, on Monday, with absurd celebrations and marathons and magic horses all weekend. But nothing would do more poetic justice to North Korea's warped version of history and its "unacceptable" war-mongering rhetoric than to drown one of its oldest enemies in a sea of nuclear flames. Which absurdity will win out?

"North Korea warned Japan Friday that Tokyo would be the first target in the event of a war on the Korean Peninsula if it continues to maintain its hostile posture," reports South Korea's Yonhap News Agency this morning in America, by way of a report from the DPRK's state-run Korean Central News Agency. That's pretty scary, especially since things had been calming down for a few days there — and especially considering the Pentagon can't even make up its mind about what, exactly, Pyongyang's nuclear capabilities look like right now. But there's sort of a loophole in today's news. Notice how the warning reads: "if it" — as in Japan — "continues to maintain its hostile posture." What the North Korean propaganda machine appears to be referring to is Tuesday's action out of Japan, when it set up a slew of interceptor missiles in Tokyo as a precaution against North Korea's declarations of war. And there have been plenty of precautionary measures from around the globe of late after what Secretary of State John Kerry on Friday called "unacceptable" rhetoric from the all too excitable Kim dynasty.

But there is a deeper, more immediate layer of trouble: By the time Sunday afternoon strikes in the U.S., so will the 101st birthday of Kim Il-Sung, the autocrat who formalized the dynasty's way of rule in the 1960s and '70s and who, according to the history of North Korea, was responsible for single-handedly defeating the Japanese. Just yesterday KCNA, the state-run news agency, pumped out a story about a painting of Kim Il-Sung's white horse, which supposedly saved his life by spotting that North Korea's Supreme Leader was on fire:

And, according to some stories, of course, the horse was magic:

That sort of gives you an impression of how ridiculous — and ridiculously important — this occasion will be in Pyongyang. For showing off. For history. For might. And some experts have long voiced legitimate fears that the Kim might actually do something to mark that occasion, such as sending — or threatening to send — a medium-range missile into the territory of the grandfather of absurdity's favorite enemy.

So what's giving peace a chance? Well, mostly that North Korea has an actual history of making threats it never fulfills. But, at least for planning purposes, nuclear provocations might get in the way of North Korea's big national marathon Sunday to celebrate Kim Il-Sung. "Despite warnings of pre-emptive nuclear strikes and imminent war, ahead of the marathon state TV showed a calm scene in Pyongyang yesterday, with North Koreans holding open air dances in preparation for their April 15 national holiday," reported NK News, which adds, "Held every year on the streets of North Korea’s capital city, the Mangyongdae Prize International Marathon will take place this Sunday as part of a broader multiple-day sports tournament held to commemorate the April 15 birthday of North Korea’s founding leader, Kim Il Sung." There's no way all that open-air dancing would be all for naught, right? 

North Korea's threat against Japan also comes as U.S. Secretary of State John Kerry spoke in Seoul on Friday. He offered, as Defense Secretary Chuck Hagel and United Nations Secretary-General Ban Ki-moon did yesterday, some very practical analysis that North Korea probably doesn't want to hear — a lot of which revolved around not backing down (via the BBC):

The rhetoric that we're hearing from North Korea is simply unacceptable - by any standard - and I am here to make it clear today on behalf of President Obama and the citizens of the United States and our bilateral security agreement, that the United States will, if needed, defend our allies and defend ourselves.

Happy weekend.

       

Who Mailed Explosives to Sheriff Joe Arpaio?

Authorities in Arizona say they intercepted a package on Thursday that had been filled with explosives and mailed to controversial Maricopa County Sheriff Joe Arpaio. The package was flagged as suspicious as it passed through Flagstaff and police the x-rayed the box to discover the explosive device. Local bomb squad technicians disabled it without incident.

This isn't the first time that the tough-talking Arpaio has been targeted for revenge. When a police officer makes prisoners wear pink underwear, launches criminal investigations of political enemies, harasses the local immigrant population (while ignoring other serious crimes), and pals around with Steven Segal, he's going to make some enemies. The U.S. Justice Department only sued him, and credit thieves tried to steal his identity, but for someone out there to actually try and kill him takes the attacks to a disturbing new level.

While the threats against Sheriff Joe are surely unrelated to other recent attacks on law enforcement officers, it does comes at a time of heightened awareness for the safety of police and other government officials. Police have not released any other information about possible clues or suspects.