Rukhsana Khan's Blog, page 21

After every hardship there is ease…

I think I mentioned how busy I’ve been.

With May being South Asian Heritage month, it’s to be expected. Throw in Mother’s Day and an Islamic Society of North America/Canada convention, and yup, I was real busy.

From May 7th till May 18th (that was yesterday) I had only one day off, and that was Saturday May 10th.

It was funny, while driving along the QEW to the ISNA headquarters I had a brief thought: What if I just kept going! GASP! What if I ran away!

LOL.

It was a very brief moment.

Duty kicked in and I took the appropriate turn off and showed up right on time, as usual.

Punctual beast that I am!

I think that’s a sign of burn out.

Alhamdu lillah, I didn’t get totally burned out, just a little burned out.

Yesterday, when I finished the children’s program for the 8 – 11 year olds, I thought, alhamdu lillah, I’m done. I can relax.

Only problem was I got a blazing headache that loads of coffee wouldn’t fix, and I realized that my body was screaming at me that I was just tired.

So I said goodbye to my friends: Sheema Khan and Shahina Siddiqui, two of the feistiest feministiest Muslim women you’d ever encounter! And I headed off home staying alert.

My son knows me so well! He said, “Mom! You always complain about going to these things when you’re tired and then you come back and say you had a FANTASTIC time!”

I did have a FANTASTIC time!

I met my old friend Dawud Wharnsby Ali after many years! He’s a singer, a sort of troubadour! And just an all round wonderful person!

We’ve worked on projects together in the past and even though we have different creative processes I recognize the excellence in him, and I think the feeling is mutual.

I went to Sheema Khan’s session on dealing with the political mainstream, and predictably it delved into the issue of hijab.

I said to Sheema afterwards, gee, can’t we get over the hijab business?? I mean who cares? It’s just a piece of cloth! It’s clothing that’s all! And I told her as far as I’m concerned I just ignored this fabric on my head and said what I wanted to say irregardless.

She agreed!

Her and Shahina and I were sitting around the table in the lunch room talking and catching up and Sheema and Shahina talked about the double standard! That the men are always focusing so much on how the women are dressed! And Shahina said, “Yeah! What about the way the young men dress!” And Sheema agreed saying that the ‘low-riding’ jeans that some of the young men were wearing were the worst! Especially during the prayer!

I had never experienced the problem before. Besides, I thought, weren’t the low-riding style out of date?

(My son swears they are and he’s up with the current trends!)

Little did I know that I was about to experience EXACTLY what they were referring to!

It was so weird. Moments before I had a bit of a moral dilemma. This lady in front, the back of her neck was showing, just a smidge where her hijab rode up a bit above the neckline on her dress. Should I tell her? But then the prayer had started, and she wasn’t accountable for what she didn’t know. And I couldn’t break my prayer to adjust her clothing, so I just thought leave it. Maybe mention it after to her so it didn’t happen again. If I were her, I’d want to know. But then all thoughts of her small breach of Islamic dress etiquette were about to run out of my head!

The nice thing about the ISNA headquarters is that they have a very unobtrusive partition between the men and women’s prayer areas! It’s a very low translucent glass barrier with gaps in it! We women definitely feel part of the congregation when we’re praying! No stifling cubby hole with bad air circulation like you find in some masjids!!! AAArrrgh!

Anyway, I was in the first row and we were praying Zuhr, and I happen to look up after getting up from the second or third prostration and what do I see but a man’s butt crack from across the hall in the men’s section, very obvious, so easy to see! Really! I wasn’t looking for it! But how do you miss a three-quarter moon staring at you from across the room???

Oh my! One quick glance and I averted my gaze! I looked down! And I thought what kind of an idiot wears such low rising jeans, that three quarters of his butt is showing (not even just a small plumber’s crack for goodness sakes!) and doesn’t he feel the draft on his butt cheeks!!??

But then I told myself, “Whooaah! Don’t judge.”

Low rise jeans are not designed for prayer and particularly for prostration.

And the guy wearing them is probably not used to coming out to these things and probably had NO idea his backside would be exposed in such a manner!

Good on him for at least coming out to get some information.

Maybe his heart was in the right place even if his pants’ waistline was not.

And as one of the other sisters pointed out, there’s a reason why the last row in the prayer hall is the most prestigious for women!

Actually during the time of the Prophet (peace be upon him) they had somewhat the same problem. There were many men who could not afford long enough clothes, so sometimes when they were getting up certain, ahem, parts of them were exposed. So the Prophet (peace be upon him) advised the women to delay getting up from their prostration so as not to see things better left unseen!

Interestingly enough, he didn’t banish the women from the prayer hall! And he didn’t even erect any sort of barrier! He only asked them to take their time lifting their heads from their prostration!

Yup!

There are some things you just can’t unsee! LOL.

But on the whole, the experience at the convention was wonderful!

So many Muslims trying hard to be good!

And I did storytelling on Saturday night, and alhamdu lillah, I was in good form!!! (If I say so myself!)

Got to tell an ancient story from Al Azhar university that I don’t often get to tell because it’s so Muslim only Muslims would get it! About a bunch of sheikhs with their noses out of joint!

Hilarious!

I could feel the audience listening with bated breath! And then I told a romantic story. There’s not enough romantic stories in a convention like that!

I did a session on storytelling the next morning–bright and early! 9:30 am! And wow, people actually came!

Alhamdu lillah, had a great time! Hope to go again!

 

 

 

A Chance to Catch my Breath…

Today I only had two presentations.

Alhamdu lillah.

And I got home reasonably early so I have an entire afternoon to, um, relax.

Feels weird.

I’ve been running on empty the past few days.

You know it gets bad when you look at the clock at 7 pm and think, “Okay, I have to leave the house in twelve hours!”

On Sunday I even found myself getting all wound up as I was driving to the venue of a Mother’s Day brunch where I was the keynote speaker.

Here I was driving along the 401 and beginning to get a panicky feeling in the pit of my stomach, and I couldn’t figure out why.

And somehow I recalled this interview I’d seen with this broadcaster from some local television news program who suffers from debilitating anxiety attacks and at that moment I could honestly understand how that would happen.

I think the more public speaking we do, and the more adept we get at it, the more a part of ourselves also gets kind of cynical about it.

How do you do the same presentation thousands of times and not get cynical?

You tell the punch lines, you generate the emotions, the kids and teachers react accordingly and appropriately at all the right moments, and at the end of it, you feel kind of strange about it. Almost like it’s a bit fake because you’ve done it so many times.

And yet, it’s all so fresh and new for them! And the emotions you began developing in the program are just as valid the five thousandth time you utter them! So why the disconnect???

Oh alhamdu lillah, I know I’ll work this out. And just seeing the joy on the kids’ faces is so reassuring! It’s all so new to them!!!

And yet, that never happens with my The Roses in My Carpets presentation. That one presentation is my favourite for good reason. It just never gets stale because I know the whole purpose of it has so much  more than just entertainment value. It has to do with urging young people to look beyond their own needs and help those less fortunate.

Just doing the presentation makes me feel good inside because I know that any good deed those little ones do as a result of my presentation will come back to reward me too for having encouraged them to do it!

It’s also amazing to see these little kids get so excited about the plight of others.

And what has been happening is that even though I thought I had completely finished polishing that presentation, turns out I didn’t. And I’m still adding to it!

Whereas the primary presentation (Picture the Story) is mostly just humor: scary chickens, silly chickens and big red lollipops!

I had two of the primary presentations to conduct today and even as I was performing for the grades 1 – 3, I was watching two of the teachers who were marking papers and at other times talking to each other, in the middle of my presentation.

Do you know how distracting that is? (Actually I can ignore the paper marking, but the talking!!!)

I’m not sure why but seeing people talking to each other while you’re conveying a story is extremely distracting!

And these are teachers.

And I thought to myself, okay, this seems to be one of those schools where they bring a lot of artists in, and as a result, it’s like ‘no big deal’.

And I also thought of how so many teachers and adults think so little of children’s literature.

Or maybe it was me, a Pakistani multicultural author up there, I don’t know.

All I know is at times like that I hear my husband’s voice in my ear saying, “What does it matter if they’re talking? What does it matter if they’re setting a bad example for the kids? Get over yourself! If they don’t want to listen, who cares? You’re going to get paid for your effort anyways.”

And he’s right.

But darn it! I want those kids to get absolutely the most out of my being there! I don’t consider it a job well done unless I give it my all, which is probably why I feel so wiped at the end of it!

Oh well. I just know that if I was a teacher booking an author, knowing how expensive it can be, I’d want to make sure we got our money’s worth!

Not only an hour of entertainment for goodness sakes! But also something that would apply well to the curriculum.

And maybe it’s all this pressure that I put on myself that is causing me the anxiety.

I wonder. Maybe that’s why so many artist become dependent on intoxicants. They would relax a person to do the grind of all the presentations.

But since that’s not an option, alhamdu lillah, instead I did some relaxation techniques and last night, for the first time in a long time, I slept very well indeed, alhamdu lillah! Even though I got up after sleeping about an hour and wrote a rough outline of a picture book.

Thought that would wake me up too much and I wouldn’t be able to rest, nope, quite the opposite.

Slept better because of it!

Woke up quite refreshed!

Tomorrow I begin my Universality in Folktales program at a school nearby. Should be fun.

Have to reacquaint myself with the Rhodopolis, Yeh Sien and Sootface versions of Cinderella! And then I’m off and running!

Next chance I’ll have to relax is probably on Monday!

Until then, I just have to remember to keep breathing!

In and out, in and out, alhamdu lillah.

 

 

Rizq–or the idea of Providence

I’ve been thinking of the concept of rizq or what some people would call providence. It’s the belief that everything we will ever earn has been written for us while we were in the womb and although we can pray for it to get expanded, it’s pretty much set.

That’s both a good and a bad thing.

It means that because of this belief a Muslim should never worry about losing out because of following their convictions.

Last Friday I went to a program at an Islamic school in Mississauga. It was a women’s program and basically I was the highlight for the children’s program.

But I got there in a reasonable amount of time and I got to hear one of the speakers in the main hall, a good old friend of mine named Kathy Bullock. She lectures on Islamic studies and I think she teaches at a university and she knows way more than I do! Lovely person!

She was talking about how hijab can impact a woman’s livelihood. She gave figures for how Muslim women are the most discriminated minority in Canada and she related this incident I could totally relate to!

She said that a Muslim woman had answered an ad for a job in a bakery but when she arrived for the interview, the person took a look at her hijab and told her the position had been filled. She went home, changed her voice up a bit and called the bakery again asking if there was still a position available and the guy said  yes, there was.

Unlike most Muslim women who’d just skulk away thinking ‘why go there when they don’t want me…’ she went to the human rights board and the bakery was forced to hire her and she took the job.

She thought if they got to work with her and got to know her, they’d see she was a nice person.

That took me back to the jobs I applied for back when I dreamed of being a biological chemical technician. Aced the phone interviews! But when I showed up for the in person interview they told me the job was filled. Always knew I didn’t stand a chance.

It was ironic too because I only went into the sciences because I thought becoming an author was hopeless.

Then Kathy Bullock went on to warn us not to worry about whether or not we would receive our earnings.

And she related an incident that had occurred with Ali, the cousin of the Prophet (peace  be  upon him) and one of his highest companions.

What happened was that he had to go to a masjid to pray so he asked this man to hold the reins of his horse. When he came out of the masjid he had with him two dirhams he was planning to pay the man for the favour, but when he found his horse the man was gone and the reins were missing.

He went to the marketplace to purchase new reins and found that his own reins were there with a vendor. When he asked, the man said this fellow had sold them to him for two dirhams. Ali paid him the two dirhams and got his reins back and remarked about the incident that look how the man had fulfilled his rizq. He was going to receive two dirhams one way or another, that had been within his providence, but by stealing the reins he got his rizq in a haram (forbidden) manner instead of honestly.

I find this kind of story heartwarming and confirming and yet there’s a part of me that thinks other people, more cynical, would find it simplistic.

And yet…it must be so depressing for people who have no faith in God or any sense of providence.

Everything must seem so darn precarious! One wrong step and …disaster!!!

In some of the biggest moments of my life, I reiterated the idea that the impact of the event was already written for me, so no need to sweat. (of course I still sweated a little but not nearly as much as if it was all or nothing)

Maybe they see us as simplistic in our beliefs, almost fatalistic even.

And yet it really is so liberating to think that it’s already written for you! All you have to do is go out and strive your best to earn it…in a halal (permissible) way.

And to me the concept of rizq relinquishes the need to control, and acknowledges that so much of life really is outside of our control, so don’t fret it.

Alhamdu lillah. It really is comforting.

 

Meeting kindred spirits…

Had a fascinating conversation with a librarian today!

That’s not surprising of course! Librarians tend to be great thinkers and it’s almost more unusual NOT to have a fascinating conversation with them!

But what was intriguing was the consensus we both came to.

She, a devout Catholic, me a practicing Muslim, we talked about how people who do their best to adhere to their religious principles can sense and respect that in other people of other faiths!

She’s not the first person like this that I have felt this kindred spirit with! I’ve met many many religious people from different backgrounds and just meeting them, coming together in common faith, even though it wears different guises, is a powerful experience for me!

And for her!

She talked about how religious people who are really consciously trying–not the hypocrites or trouble makers–can sense that air of effort in other religious people in other faiths! And it’s kind of a common bond between us!

And she said something that is so true! She said sometimes you can feel closer to religious people in another faith than you do to people within your own faith community!

Exactly!

There are sincere people in all faiths and hypocrites and trouble makers in all faiths, and yes, sincere people of one faith can definitely better relate to sincere people in another, more than they can relate to the trouble makers in their own group!!!

And it’s a point where we’re not trying to convert each other!!! Not at all. We’re at points in our lives where we’re content with our faiths, for the solace it gives us, and we can sense it in others when we come across it!

And we embrace each other, like we’re a sisterhood and leave each other to discover God’s grace in our own myriad ways.

Knowing that we’re each of us working for the betterment of humanity, in our own diverse ways. We have different names for our faith, and we follow different dogma, rituals and beliefs, but inside we’re not that different at all!

Maybe I’m rambling here, not sure. But it was a lovely moment! Hugging this dear lady who is only doing her best to serve God in her own way, as am I, and knowing that we’ve done some good for some children!

The older I get the more I know that people have their own paths to God. And I recall that ayat (verse) in the Quran which says do not argue with people, on the Day of Judgment, God will explain the differences between us.

The objective is not conversion.

Nope. Nope! Nope!

It’s not even agreement, because our faiths have existed for thousands of years and we have not been able to come to agreement on things.

The idea is to foster respect and tolerance.

And that is definitely achievable!

And eminently desirable!

There is no compulsion in matters of faith!

And may God guide us and bless us all according to the best of our deeds!

Ameen!

The first warning was what the teacher said…

She was dropping her kindergarteners off for the presentation while she had to attend a professional development workshop, and as she got the kids settled telling them repeatedly to sit on their bottoms and face forward, eyes on me, then she turned to me and said, “Good luck!”

Like I was really going to need it.

And yup, it turned out she was right.

Okay, I’ve dealt with antsy kids!

I’ve dealt with LOTS of antsy kids!

I’ve even dealt with VERY antsy kids!

But these kids were just over the top!

And it turned out the vast majority of them were kindergarteners, and because it was raining they had indoor recess…uh huh. Recipe for disaster!

So what do you do when you feel like you’re losing an audience???

You change course.

Arrrr, heel to port, or starboard, or what have you, do what you  need to, to regain their attention.

I was doing my presentation Picture the Story which involves my two chicken books: Ruler of the Courtyard and Silly Chicken but I changed tack after Ruler of the Courtyard and decided to stick with storytelling. Started telling Dajan Tigh but quickly realized it wasn’t going to work, so I chucked that, just completely changed tack again and did a good kindie story, with LOTS of action to it! The Little Rooster, which is technically a Hungarian tale but it has a Turkish sultan in it and what the heck, it’s a great story!

And then of course I did Big Red Lollipop!

In sixteen years it has never failed me! And it didn’t exactly fail me this time, but there were a few kids that were just two rambunctious and yet, by the end of the story, I realized hey, they’re silent.

They’re actually listening!

And they were.

It was so funny! The teachers who were supervising came up to me and told me how fantastic I’d been! She said that how despite the kids who were being disruptive, there were rows of them that were completely engaged!

And one of the teachers said they’re not normally like this! And I could believe it.

It was just one of those ‘perfect storm’ kind of moments.

But alhamdu lillah, made me learn a lot.

And I realized that actually there were only about five kids, scattered through the crowd of a hundred kindergarteners and grade ones, that were the disruptive ones.

And unfortunately I was focusing on them instead of all the other kids who actually were listening.

Isn’t that the way of it?

I told the teacher that I had been planning to go to the gym after the two presentations, but after that experience! I felt like I’d had my workout!

LOL.

 

 

Did you ever think…

…if only I knew someone real, someone legitimate, on the other side of the world, who was struggling, who needed money for a legitimate business venture, who wasn’t just looking for a hand out but a hand up…

I remember watching one Oprah episode where she talked about some photography book that had been sent to her and her minions at the Oprah show and how it was full of pictures of war and privation, and instead of turning away, they *forced* themselves to look through it, to encounter the tragedies that were the everyday realities of people around the world.

Now there are times when Oprah can be kind of shallow. All the fashion and botox kind of stuff! You know! But there are other times when I think yeah, I know what you mean.

The more comfortable our lives become, the more tempting it is to just completely ignore all the people struggling out there.

And yet I remember that Palestinian lady who came to visit, a humble righteous woman, who looked around at my simple home and said in a profound way, “It’s good your house is simple. Then you don’t feel guilty for all the poor out there.”

And she was so right.

The first time I heard of micro-financing was about that Muslim economist from Bangladesh Dr. Muhammad Yunus who established the Grameen bank and began the idea of microfinance loans.

It really is an excellent idea!

A way of giving back and I urge EVERYONE reading this to participate in an initiative that my husband began called Helping Hands International.

First of all join KIVA.  Then join our team Helping Hands International.

Our personal commitment is to support a thousand worthwhile causes (see the page my husband set up to keep track and to help others understand how they can get involved at http://www.1000worthwhilecauses.com)  and to encourage as many people as possible to join us and then have them invite their friends and family to get involved.   We do so simply because  we want to: “gladden the hearts of other human beings, feed the hungry, help the afflicted, lighten the sorrow of the sorrowful and remove the sufferings of the injured.”

For those who only want to support loans that follow strict Islamic principles (ie no interest to be paid, so there is no exploitation of the borrower at all) please see: http://www.kiva.org/updates/kiva/2012/05/01/kivas-approach-to-lending-and-islamic.html as KIVA has local partners that provides loans that are shariah compliant.

KIVA is a non-denominational international organization that partners with locals in 76 different countries all over the world and monitors the funds that are microfinanced out to deserving people/projects, and the best thing is YOU decide who is deserving and how much you want to lend!

Now the money you give is not a grant. It is a LOAN. And KIVA has a 98.95% repayment rate of all the loans. That means the people who get the funds, repay the loan and it goes back into YOUR pot to help others!

I think the most impressive part of KIVA is that it’s lent over half a BILLION dollars to poor people all over the world!!!!

It’s like you can see the struggling farmer, and from the goodness of  your heart, and the hearts of countless others, you can reach out and give $25 at a time!

And everyone I know can afford to give $25! I mean geez, louise, we spend that on coffee every month!!! It’s chump change!

Btw, I chose the Palestinian tomato farmer!  http://www.1000worthwhilecauses.com/151/9-greenhouses/

I remember a time, not so long ago, when times were tight, when my kids were young. I remember reading in the Quran that what you give in charity never diminishes wealth! That God will multiply whatever you give, so it comes back to you! And that’s precisely what I have found to be true.

I remember when times were really tight, and I didn’t have cash to give, and in the local paper they’d send a paper bag for the food bank. We were supposed to fill it up and drop it off at the fire stations. Whenever I did that, within days, I would get a new child to babysit, or some other job would come my way.

So please, I urge you to help.  Join KIVA  and join our team Helping Hands International.

Don’t turn away!

What’s wrong with me that here I have time to write…

And I don’t write.

All I want to do is fart around in my pyjamas till it’s time to go to the meeting.

The last couple of days have been busy!

They were two days of presentations at a lovely school with 900 kids! So far I’ve presented to about six hundred of them!

On Thursday I’ll be presenting to the last third.

It is SO nice when a school properly prepares for my visit!

You’d be surprised at how rarely that happens.

I often go into a school cold, where the kids and the teachers and the librarian even, doesn’t know a thing about me!

It boggles my mind!

They’re spending hundreds of dollars–I don’t come cheap! But they’re not doing any preparation!

But this school…wow!

The drama teacher went ahead and dramatized some of my books to the students! She got the kids to act out scenes of Silly Chicken and Big Red Lollipop.

She even got the kids to write a collective letter to Rubina, from Sana, saying sorry I ate your lollipop, “I’m little. I just grabbed it!”

It was SO funny!

If I was more adept with my cellphone camera and posting pics, I would have taken a pic of it and posted it right here.

And then the art teacher, what she got them to do! Scenes from The Roses in My Carpets all hung up on those portable divider type walls,  and kites from King for a Day and lollipops! Loads and loads of lollipops!

Basically for the last while they’ve been focused on my work!

And the teachers were so warm and receptive! And almost as excited as the kids!

I think the highlight though has been hearing the kids walk past me whispering to each other, “Is that Rukhsana Khan?” and then while I was sitting on a comfy sofa in the corridor, I heard again one little girl say to another, “Is that Rukhsana Khan? I LIKE Rukhsana Khan!”

Gave me such a warm tingly feeling!

Today I’m home for a couple of hours till I have an orientation meeting with the folks at the Toronto Public Libraries for the Artist in Library residency.

Have to leave by noon, and I got up by nine, so that’s like three hours in which I could do a good deal of writing???

And what am I doing?

I emptied the dishwasher, I sat in the living room, on the sofa, in the sunshine and felt the warmth of golden rays on my back and felt happy.

Even as I thought to myself, “I should go up and take a stab at those projects I’m working on!”

But I didn’t.

Instead I came down and decided to blog about my creative lethargy.

And yet…something tells me go with it.

Take a break.

I’ve been working hard.

And art really only thrives when the soul is rested.

My soul is not rested.

I actually had an epiphany of sorts the other night.

I’m not sure why I wind myself up so tight when I have early morning presentations.

I actually considered changing the parameters of when I get booked so I don’t start before 10:00 am.

I am SO not a morning person!

But I’ve resisted doing that because I don’t want to put any restrictions on schools regarding when they want to book me, and many schools are, by nature, ‘morning’ entities.

So what has inevitably happened in the past is that I cannot sleep the night before because I’m so worried that I won’t get enough sleep!

I know, I know, the irony!

I go to bed at a reasonable time, by 11 pm, and set the alarm for 7 am, and then toss and turn till about 4 am, and then drag myself out of bed, bleary eyed, right when the alarm goes off.

I was virtually petrified that I would be late! Even though this school is only twenty minutes away!

Then Monday night, when I faced another night of restless anxiety, I asked myself, “What the heck am I thinking?”

Why am I freaking out so much?

And I realized it goes back to when I was struggling.

I think I had attached so much importance to being on time, because I assumed that people would grumble about the worth of my presentations, if I wasn’t on time.

And yet, the few times I have been late in the fifteen years of my presentation experience, all I did was call ahead and let them know that there were circumstances beyond my control, and I was on my way, to expect me in ten, or fifteen, or whatever it was, minutes.

I think I’ve been late five times, where it was my fault. A matter of miscommunication where I thought I was starting at such and such a time, and it was really a different time altogether. That’s five times in fifteen years!

And there were four times I was late where it was a traffic situation. Once I was in an accident where a TDSB van backed into me in a Tim Horton’s parking lot. One time there was a shooting on the 401 and the express lanes were closed so I got to the school an hour late (we ended up combining the two sessions into one!) and another where the traffic was unusually bad, for no reason and I was about ten minutes late, and one where I got lost, that was in Sudbury where they didn’t have proper street signs and my GPS decided to conk out on me!

In all those situations the schools were completely understanding!

So there was no reason for me to freak out.

So why was I?

Worse came to worse, I’d just pull over, en route, and call and let them know I was running late. No big deal.

And then I realized that maybe a part of me felt a bit of a fraud and felt like maybe my fees were exorbitant and I didn’t ‘deserve’ them.

And then I laughed.

Hey, if the teachers didn’t think my visit would be of benefit, they certainly wouldn’t invite me!

Some authors just get up and start talking blah, blah, blah about themselves.

Not me.

What I’ve always done is try to anticipate the needs of the educators. I take time to impart skills so that the kids can be better communicators themselves. That librarian in Singapore said I was a natural teacher, that I gave them the ‘romance’ with the stories and how funny they were, and then I gave them the ‘rigour’ after I’d won the kids over. The ‘rigour’ being the learning process!

Yeah, that about sums it up.

The presentations aren’t so much about me, as they are about story!

And the fact that I continue to prosper with the presentations when other authors are struggling to get gigs, speaks volumes!

And finally I realized that I was looking at these presentations all wrong!

They were an honour!

I was being honoured!

My work was being recognized by these schools and these students, and that’s how I had to perceive this!

No need to freak out!

Just humbly accept the honour and do my best to impart as much as I can to the kids who are so eager to learn!

As a result of this epiphany, I slept just fine on Monday night, and Tuesday was great!

I am so looking forward to Thursday’s presentations!!!

Perspective…

Can’t believe the last post I wrote was on that rejection I received.

Man, that feels like SO long ago!

To say that I’ve gained a bit of perspective would be an understatement.

First of all my family was blessed with another grandchild. Alhamdu lillah, a healthy little boy, so that makes ten! Even steven, five girls and five boys.

That will definitely put things in perspective.

And then sometime after that I came across two different incidents that made me look at stuff differently.

One was a Facebook post where a bunch of authors came clean on how unsuccessful they really are.

I guess I’m gullible that way.

I had assumed that these people really were as successful as they were portraying themselves.

I know…duh on me.

And here it was like one of those movie scenes, where the first guy in the bar says he’s nothing but a phoney, and then everyone else antes up and confesses too.

I stayed silent because I think I’ve always worn my failures on my sleeve.

Hmm, maybe that’s not such a smart thing, but I suspect I’m too old to change.

When I started this blog, I decided I was going to be honest. Honest about the ups and honest about the downs, in the hopes that I could learn something from this form of navel gazing.

Plus, and let’s be totally honest, you look less like a braggity jerk, bragging about the ups, if you also share the downs.

And then the other incident, just a few days ago, I communicated with a friend I’ve known for years through facebook and found out how very much she was struggling.

Another person who I assumed was doing well!

These are tough times.

People have lost their jobs and they’re struggling!

And it made me look back at my silly little post on rejection with a lot of chagrin.

I really have no business complaining.

Alhamdu lillah, things are really really good!

I didn’t mention this before, but I guess it’s as good a time as any to mention it, but I actually received a grant I applied for. It’s to be Artist in Library at the Fairview Library in North York.

I’ll be resident artist for three months, from September 2nd to Dec. 1st, and I’m really looking forward to it. It isn’t an acceptance but it’s good money alhamdu lillah.

And with all this perspective I’ve acquired, I was thinking, “What would I want to know if I was starting out in the writing biz today?”

So I made a list of five things I would need to know to make it in the arts:

1. Use social media wisely!

That means don’t waste your time! The most important social media is your website! Keep it simple and keep it up to date. Create really good content! Include things that you’d like to know if you were a teacher or educator or even consumer of your art!

Don’t waste time schmoozing on facebook. People, including authors, go to facebook, to chill, to unwind and socialize, not primarily to promote themselves. Anyone who’s too promoting, gets really boring.

And I’ve seen people who are pretty much groupies to other authors, think that if they ingratiate themselves enough, then those same authors will turn around and promote them. Nuh uh. Authors can barely promote themselves!

I’m friends with other authors because I like them as people and artists, definitely not because I expect to get any where with them.

2. Treat people nicely! Everyone! Especially those who disagree with you! You never know how that person can affect your career.

I know this is going to sound completely contradictory to the first point, but it’s true.

When I was just getting started this well established and well respected author met me at some library convention and was really nice to me when she honestly didn’t have to be. And I met this other author who I really respected at another event and while he was nice enough, he didn’t go out of his way to be nice to me.

Years and years later, I was on an award committee where both of them were up for the same award. Both were well deserving, I would have been happier if either had won, but when push came to shove, it was 5 for the lady who’d been extra nice to me and 4 for the other guy.

And personally there have been people I have passionately disagreed with, who I was furious with, who I later calmed down and realized were people working within their own paradigms and who were as sincere in their beliefs as I am in mine. And weird, but now I’m working with some of these people. Because I never burned my bridges with the person I am actually able to be of influence, I can add my voice to a larger dialogue.

3. Kill the Green-Eyed Monster!

There really is no reason to be jealous of anyone. Every person works for the success they get, in their own way. Just because you might only see the finished product, doesn’t mean they didn’t work and wish and expend sufficient effort. And sometimes, yeah, they just naturally have what people are looking for.

When someone gets something you’ve got a hankering for, think, “Good for them.” And then you can say, “I hope that comes to me some day too.”

When I stumbled into storytelling, I heard some of the more experienced tellers say to me, ‘You’re a natural’.

But then at a recent event, some of those same experienced tellers exuded quite a bit of hostility towards me because I was being honored for some of my accomplishments.

And I thought, ‘wow’. Don’t they realize how hard I worked for this? Don’t they realize that they just didn’t put their hat in the ring? Nothing ventured, nothing gained. I think the most irrational form of jealousy to me is when a person hasn’t even attempted what you did, and they’re still jealous because you did attempt it and it worked. I hope that makes sense.

4. Spend Your Money Wisely!

When I was first starting out, I met this author who had a bit of success and decided she was going to do a ‘grass-roots’ marketing campaign/tour thing, where her and her husband were going to drive out through the mid-west, set up gigs all the way to L.A. and promote her books.

I just looked at her aghast.

And it wasn’t until I watched that biography of Loretta Lynn that I thought maybe, that’s where they got the idea from.

Grass roots marketing is not usually the way that children’s books get promoted. For one thing it’s too hard!

Yes, there’s word of mouth. But listen, a lot of word of mouth success is completely unpredictable. You have to write the exact right book at the right time that taps into the right mindset or hits the right nerve.

I also spoke recently to a woman who was going to spend about $2000 of her own money to fly to Singapore and attend the Asian Festival of Children’s Content.

Now there was a time when I would have spent my own money to attend a conference like that, but that was in the early days. I probably spent close to $2000 attending the Children’s Literature New England Conference in 1996, and the Canadian Storytellers Conference in Halifax, but that was way early! And we turned it into a family vacation.

Very soon I decided they would have to pay my way to attend next time.

Which brings me to the next point. If you improve your writing eventually they will pay you to come!

5. Write your way up!

Yeah, see, all that time and energy you might expend in social media schmoozing and chasing after author celebrities…use it better to IMPROVE YOUR WRITING!

I can’t remember which famous author was invited to some fancy conference to speak and he finally said yes. Well the auditorium was packed and he got to the podium and looked out at the throngs who’d gathered to hear him and he said something like, “You wanna write?”

And they all said, “yes”.

And he said, “So what are you doing here? Go home and write!”

And he left the podium!

That anecdote always makes me laugh.

Because it’s true. Writing is a very solitary profession. You get good at it when you go deep, within yourself. And that takes quiet. Not crowds!

Basically I was pulled from the slush pile. When I started I wrote HORRIBLY! Makes me gag to read my early stuff.

I wrote my way up.

I wrote stories that eventually got published but not noticed, and then I wrote more, and I wrote differently, and this is a field of endurance. Stick around long enough and most likely they’ll HAVE to notice you!

But don’t be surprised if you write your heart out, and nobody  notices.

I am making a living at doing what I love! But think income streams, not one big chunk. When I first began it was mostly presentations. Lots and lots of presentations and the storytelling that I was such a ‘natural’ at, REALLY REALLY came in handy!

So the money came from storytelling presentations and a little bit came from books, from advances and royalties. Now it comes from many different sources.

Then I noticed that Robert Munsch used storytelling to promote his books. (Robert Munsch is the most successful children’s author in Canada)

I really couldn’t copy his style of writing, and  yes, I’m embarrassed to admit that in the beginning I did try.

Instead I copied his tactic.

There’s nothing wrong with that!

And I switched my storytelling so I created presentations that promoted the books. That was how I was able to keep The Roses in My Carpets in print for so long! (Sixteen years and counting!)

In the beginning I paid to attend every writing workshop and conference I could, but as time passed and I found the sessions repeating themselves, in that they were telling me things I already knew, I focused instead on APPLYING what I knew. Writing and writing, till something clicked in the story! And writing passionately about things that I was learning and dealing with.

And twenty-five years later, VOILA! Success. Sort of!

Basically for me, it’s been about creating a track record. And alhamdu lillah, it’s getting better.

And rejection! Pah! It really is part of the process!

 

 

 

 

Today was one of those days…

When a rejection really hit me hard.

All the platitudes I usually comfort myself with, rang empty.

Even though, yeah, I still believe them.

I can say rejection is part of the process over and over again, but right now, I just find it hard to believe it.

I can say that Allah subhanahu wata ala’s rizq, that is His provision, is already written for me, and I don’t have to concern myself over it, that it was never written that this particular publisher would buy this particular manuscript…but it still STINGS!

The story is good!

I really think it’s good!

And it passes my own litmus test.

I always ask myself after having written a story…Would I read it, if I hadn’t written it? And the answer is a resounding yes!

After how many edits and pouring over its, it still makes me cry for goodness sakes!

But alhamdu lillah, this too shall pass.

And I’ve read some excellent articles, including an article in the latest issue of the SCBWI newsletter written by Tim J. Myers called Who Decides if You’re Worthy?

He talks about the seductive nature of external praise and recognition.

It’s a really good article! Read it about five times. Even want to rip it out and hang it on my bulletin board to remind me.

Basically the point he makes is a point I often remind myself of: You have no control over what gets published, or what gets awarded accolades.

No control whatsoever, so there’s no point in fretting about it.

Alhamdu lillah.

C’est la vie.

Just because I wrote my heart out, doesn’t mean any one else will buy it.

And maybe it’s a bit of a case of sour grapes, but it seems to me that it’s a bit like when I wrote The Roses in My Carpets.

I still consider it one of my best books and it was virtually ignored by the establishment.

I remember reading it at a sort of ‘open mike’ night at a children’s literature conference in Boston, and overhearing one educator say to another, “Kids won’t like that book! It’s too over their heads!”

Sometimes I think that educators and publishers and just the establishment that works with children, really really underestimate them!

You’d be surprised what kids will like.

When something is real, they can sense it.

And that’s because they’re so often fed a bunch of propaganda they can sniff out the real deal easily.

And of all my books, The Roses in My Carpets is one of those books that I can fall back on, that I know will reach the kids, no problem. Even before I start talking about the inspiration behind it.

I mean I’ve done that story in some of the toughest schools, with some of the toughest kids. Kids who I thought, when I first started out, needed funny stuff to entertain them!

These were kids who I assumed would respond to my funny  novel Dahling if You Luv Me Would You Please Please Smile before they would respond to The Roses in My Carpets.

Nope.

Nuh uh.

Sure they liked Dahling! They laughed at all the right places.

But Roses always always hit them deeper.

And there’s a reason why it’s been in print, through three different publishers, since 1998 and is still earning royalties.

I think this novel I just finished will be somewhat like that.

It might take a while to sell, Allahu alim (God knows best), but it’s a deep novel, and it’s a good story, masha Allah, if I say so myself, and when I step back and look at it, I think yeah, it will touch kids.

And then I thought maybe the publishers couldn’t get that this Muslim character would be so caring for her family.

Oh well, what can you do?

And then today I saw this and it made me laugh out loud.

Yup, basically I feel like they’re ‘typecasting’, in children’s literature!

Grrr.

Ooh, this venting felt good.

Feel better already.

Quitting is not an option.

And yes, part of me knows that this may be a time of growth for me. Allahu alim. I hope so.

 

Great Expectations cont’d…

I can’t recall when I first heard about that famous, or even infamous song Let it Go from the movie Frozen.

I must have watched the video clip of it on youtube about five or six times, it was quite compelling. (By the way, don’t bother with the Demi Lovato version, the Idina Menzel version is the only one worth watching!!!)

I’m sure though, if I had watched it in my teens or twenties it would have haunted me a lot more!

As it was it really just took me back to when I was a kid and felt like running away myself. Like I’d never measure up and what was the point, and I really did dream of becoming a bush pilot in the Arctic, and leaving civilization behind forever. *g*

But then I went on with my own life and didn’t think much of it.

Told one of the young people in my life about it and it turned out he loved the song so much he bugged me to purchase the movie.

Well…it had won best animated feature, and yeah, I was curious, although I was just as willing to wait till it came on T.V. for free—cheapskate that I am– but I went ahead and forked over the $20 to get the DVD.

The reason for my reluctance…I had a strong hunch that the movie would not live up to the song.

Being Disney, I was just sure they’d screw it up!

Disney doesn’t do ‘deep’ very often, or very well.

The song, as far as I was concerned, was an anomaly.

But then I figured, hey, Lion King was deep. So was Hunchback of Notre Dame, and Tarzan was pretty good too, well the first half anyway, so perhaps yeah, it wouldn’t be a disappointment.

As I got into the first five minutes of the DVD, yup, it was a HUGE disappointment.

The only good part was the song.

For the rest of it, they went the cheesy route. Aargh!

They could have made it phenomenal but the annoying character of Anna just had to hog the screen time! And Kristoff…every time he took a bite of a carrot that had been in his reindeer’s mouth, I cringed. What’s up with that???

Why do they have to portray the men in Disney films to be such dolts???

Is it so they don’t come across as threatening???

And why have such ditzy heroines?

Honestly there was absolutely no character difference between Anna and Rapunzel, the heroine in Tangled.

And the only thing I found impressive with Tangled was the insecurity they showed in Rapunzel, the second thoughts she had when she left her tower. That was good. The rest of the movie was typical Disney dross.

And what the heck is it with Disney that they have to have a pseudo death in EVERY SINGLE MOVIE!!!!

Omigosh!

Give me a break!

Don’t get me wrong. There were a few times in Frozen where I laughed. But for the most part, save your $20 and just watch the song on line.

That’s the best part of the whole thing, and you can get it for free, any time.

Megamind is way way better! Still makes me think!

So I went into watching Frozen with some cautiously optimistic ‘great expectations’ only to be greatly disappointed.

And yet, that felt good for me.

Because the one entity I do feel jealous at times about, is Disney. (So you can read this whole post as a sour grapes sort of thing. *g* But at least I’m up front about it.)

Weird huh?

When I read the SCBWI newsletter and see some person do well, I automatically think, “Good for them!”

There was a time when I wouldn’t feel that way. I’d get jealous over every little success someone achieved.

Not at all any more! Alhamdu lillah!

But Disney…yeah. I get jealous.

I still wish I could have written some of the Pixar movies like Toy Story, all three installments, and some of the others (funny can’t recall them right now, but there’s a lot of good ones). And I love that song in Mulan, about the girl in the mirror, and then there’s the Pocahontas song The Colors of the Wind.

Oh well. No point in getting jealous.

Just acknowledging a job well done!

But in the case of Frozen, ooh, it just hurts that they could have made it magnificent, they could have made the movie as good as the song, and they lost the opportunity!

Alas.