Marcia Sirota's Blog, page 29

How to Raise Brave, Resilient Kids

Lately I keep hearing about kids falling apart at the slightest provocation. At home, on the playing field and at all levels of education young people are experiencing an unprecedented mental health crisis. These are our future doctors, lawyers, artists and leaders, so we have reason to be concerned.

A grade-six teacher was telling me the other day that her entire class of twenty had suddenly broken down in tears. One or two started getting upset and then all the others joined in. She’s been teaching for over ten years and she’s never seen anything like it.

Kids are having mental breakdowns over homework assignments and mid-term exams. At camp, they’re too afraid to try a new sport for fear of hurting themselves and they have no idea how to make their own fun.

Angela Hanscomb, the founder of Timbernook, an outdoor free play camp, described to me how a six year old recently asked one of the counselors, “What are my parents paying you for, if you’re not going to entertain me?”

In high schools and colleges, young people are suffering from record levels of anxiety and depression. They’re showing up in droves at their school guidance centers but there aren’t enough counselors to keep up with the demand.

Julie Lythcott-Haims, the former dean of freshmen at Stanford University, described to me how students have been decompensating around the same stresses that previous generations handled with ease. She noted that what these troubled kids had in common was overly-intrusive parenting.

Over-parenting is causing a general lack of resilience and a dearth of something that psychologist Angela Duckworth calls, “grit,” or the ability to single-mindedly pursue our passions and persevere when the going gets rough. I’m not that old but when I grew up, kids were viewed as tougher and their independence was a given.

I walked to school by myself from the age of five. I spent a few winters getting snow in my boots and having cold, wet mittens from making snowballs; that is, until I figured out how to avoid these problems.

If I was arguing with one of my friends, I had to sort it out on my own. It wasn’t always easy but it taught me how to navigate the intricacies of social interactions and I recognized within myself the capacity to find my own solutions.

The parents in my neighborhood took it for granted that kids should spend most of their time outside, in unsupervised play. Boys and girls of all ages, religions and cultures ran around together having all sorts of adventures.

We kids created our own culture; one of inclusion and empathy. When a Cambodian family moved in to the neighborhood, we folded their two young sons into our group, unconcerned about their lack of English. After a couple of months, the boys were fluent in the language and full participants in our activities.

Angela Hanscom told me of a time at her camp when the counselors let two groups of kids sort out a conflict on their own. Instead of being forced by the adults to play together – which would have left them feeling resentful – the kids figured out how to come together organically. Trusting these kids to resolve their own issues brought out the best in them.

In my childhood, playing our own games and making our own rules encouraged our creativity and problem-solving abilities; being in a group fostered cooperation and compromise. Playing with kids who had different degrees of athleticism pushed each of us to challenge the limits of our abilities. We took the kinds of physical risks that are unheard of today and survived (mostly) intact. Doing these things made us stronger both mentally and physically.

Today, it worries me how so many kids are protected from any risk by being kept indoors or under constant adult supervision. Their parents intervene at the first sign of a problem. But if these kids are constantly infantilized and treated like incompetents how will they develop the essential skills and attributes that my friends and I learned, growing up?

When I tripped on a tree root I learned to watch my step. When I fell down, I l figured out how to land softly and bounce back quickly. Kids today are capable of doing exactly the same. They’re more resourceful than we think.

Overprotecting and micro-managing won’t give our kids the resilience and courage required to meet the challenges of today’s world. They need the same freedom I had to run around, make their own mistakes and recognize their own abilities.

These days, we have an obsession with the notion of safety, but we need to know the difference between danger and discomfort. Discomfort is unpleasant but it forces us to grow. My childhood gang accumulated its fair share of battle scars but what we gained far outweighed what we lost. There was blood, there were stitches; even a few broken bones, but not one of us would have given up the freedom to play for the promise of avoiding injury.

As a child, I had freedom, independence; opportunity. I could explore the limits of my abilities and push myself beyond my fears.  From early on I’d learned that for every problem, a solution exists, and that I’d be able to find it.

From my own experiences and from decades as a psychotherapist, I’ve discovered that the way to help today’s kids thrive is to stop hovering over them and doing too much for them.

Current statistics show that it’s never been safer to play outside. We need to let go and allow our kids to discover their own capabilities so that they can face their challenges with creativity, confidence, passion and persistence and without panic or devastation.

Sign up here for my free monthly wellness newsletter. July is about making the best of our summer.

 

How to Raise Brave, Resilient Kids, Part II

Lately I keep hearing about kids falling apart at the slightest provocation. At home, on the playing field and at all levels of education young people are experiencing an unprecedented mental health crisis. These are our future doctors, lawyers, artists and leaders, so we have reason to be concerned.

A grade-six teacher was telling me the other day that her entire class of twenty had suddenly broken down in tears. One or two started getting upset and then all the others joined in. She’s been teaching for over ten years and she’s never seen anything like it.

Kids are having mental breakdowns over homework assignments and mid-term exams. At camp, they’re too afraid to try a new sport for fear of hurting themselves and they have no idea how to make their own fun.

Angela Hanscomb, the founder of Timbernook, an outdoor free play camp, described to me how a six year old recently asked one of the counselors, “What are my parents paying you for, if you’re not going to entertain me?”

In high schools and colleges, young people are suffering from record levels of anxiety and depression. They’re showing up in droves at their school guidance centers but there aren’t enough counselors to keep up with the demand.

Julie Lythcott-Haims, the former dean of freshmen at Stanford University, described to me how students have been decompensating around the same stresses that previous generations handled with ease. She noted that what these troubled kids had in common was overly-intrusive parenting.

Over-parenting is causing a general lack of resilience and a dearth of something that psychologist Angela Duckworth calls, “grit,” or the ability to single-mindedly pursue our passions and persevere when the going gets rough. I’m not that old but when I grew up, kids were viewed as tougher and their independence was a given.

I walked to school by myself from the age of five. I spent a few winters getting snow in my boots and having cold, wet mittens from making snowballs; that is, until I figured out how to avoid these problems.

If I was arguing with one of my friends, I had to sort it out on my own. It wasn’t always easy but it taught me how to navigate the intricacies of social interactions and I recognized within myself the capacity to find my own solutions.

The parents in my neighborhood took it for granted that kids should spend most of their time outside, in unsupervised play. Boys and girls of all ages, religions and cultures ran around together having all sorts of adventures.

We kids created our own culture; one of inclusion and empathy. When a Cambodian family moved in to the neighborhood, we folded their two young sons into our group, unconcerned about their lack of English. After a couple of months, the boys were fluent in the language and full participants in our activities.

Angela Hanscom told me of a time at her camp when the counselors let two groups of kids sort out a conflict on their own. Instead of being forced by the adults to play together – which would have left them feeling resentful – the kids figured out how to come together organically. Trusting these kids to resolve their own issues brought out the best in them.

In my childhood, playing our own games and making our own rules encouraged our creativity and problem-solving abilities; being in a group fostered cooperation and compromise. Playing with kids who had different degrees of athleticism pushed each of us to challenge the limits of our abilities. We took the kinds of physical risks that are unheard of today and survived (mostly) intact. Doing these things made us stronger both mentally and physically.

Today, it worries me how so many kids are protected from any risk by being kept indoors or under constant adult supervision. Their parents intervene at the first sign of a problem. But if these kids are constantly infantilized and treated like incompetents how will they develop the essential skills and attributes that my friends and I learned, growing up?

When I tripped on a tree root I learned to watch my step. When I fell down, I l figured out how to land softly and bounce back quickly. Kids today are capable of doing exactly the same. They’re more resourceful than we think.

Overprotecting and micro-managing won’t give our kids the resilience and courage required to meet the challenges of today’s world. They need the same freedom I had to run around, make their own mistakes and recognize their own abilities.

These days, we have an obsession with the notion of safety, but we need to know the difference between danger and discomfort. Discomfort is unpleasant but it forces us to grow. My childhood gang accumulated its fair share of battle scars but what we gained far outweighed what we lost. There was blood, there were stitches; even a few broken bones, but not one of us would have given up the freedom to play for the promise of avoiding injury.

As a child, I had freedom, independence; opportunity. I could explore the limits of my abilities and push myself beyond my fears.  From early on I’d learned that for every problem, a solution exists, and that I’d be able to find it.

From my own experiences and from decades as a psychotherapist, I’ve discovered that the way to help today’s kids thrive is to stop hovering over them and doing too much for them.

Current statistics show that it’s never been safer to play outside. We need to let go and allow our kids to discover their own capabilities so that they can face their challenges with creativity, confidence, passion and persistence and without panic or devastation.

Sign up here for my free monthly wellness newsletter. July is about making the best of our summer.

 

Helicopter Parents Are Making it Tougher for High School Grads to Compete

 

One year ago I wrote a viral blog about how helicopter parents are raising unemployable kids who leave University unable to compete in the work world. Today, I want to talk about how helicopter parenting is creating high school grads who can’t compete  at the college level.

By “helicopter parenting” I mean the over-protection, coddling and enabling that produces overly-entitled young people who are unable to cope with even the most insignificant of challenges. Despite their best intentions, helicopter parents are setting up their kids for failure as they graduate high school and move into the rest of their lives.

I believe that helicopter parents are responsible for the growing mental health crisis in our colleges and universities. Armed with great love but misguided notions, these parents are raising kids who can’t handle the ordinary challenges of high school and beyond.

These kids are barely holding it together in high school and by the time they reach the post-secondary level, they’re having emotional melt-downs on a regular basis.

In a recent article in the Toronto Star the writer, Andrea Gordon, talked about how more and more high school kids are showing up at the guidance office with mental health issues and how the school counselors are stretched to their limit, not having enough staff to handle either the intensity of the problems or the number of kids who need help.

Most helicopter parents are just trying their best to help their kids, but by doing too much for them they’re crippling them emotionally. These kids grow up not knowing how to stand on their own two feet, solve their own problems, advocate for themselves or bounce back from adversity.

Some helicopter parents are overly-invested in their kids’ performance, convinced that if their kids do well at high school, they’ll feel better about themselves. These parents will do their kids’ homework; they’ll call up the teacher or the principal to argue about grades, and they’ll pressure colleges to accept their kids, even when the kids don’t meet the admission requirements.

The children of this type of parent are at a double disadvantage: not only are they unable to cope on an emotional level, they haven’t been allowed to develop the academic skills that would lead to success in post-secondary education or their future careers. When faced with mediocre grades and the stress of the expectations associated with higher education, these kids are primed for a breakdown.

Recently, for my Ruthless Compassion podcast series, I interviewed Dr. Holly Rogers, a psychiatrist in charge of student mental health at Duke University in North Carolina. Dr. Rogers described how she witnessed similar problems in several of her students.

Dr. Rogers pointed out that those college students who were raised by helicopter parents have been barely hanging on, while those who’ve had to face some adversity in their young lives and who were expected to deal with problems mostly their own are by comparison, excelling, both academically and socially.

Neither I nor Dr. Rogers are advocating that we abandon our kids or deliberately put them in harm’s way, but we’re both aware of how too much spoiling and over-parenting will create kids who lack the basic coping strategies necessary for success at school and in life.

Maybe one of the best choices for a kid with helicopter parents would be to take a gap year between high school and college and go off on their own to work, travel, have adventures and finally learn to stand on their own two feet. It could be the cure for their over-parenting.

It doesn’t help that academic institutions and government bureaucracies are reinforcing the message of overprotecting and over-scheduling high school aged kids. These institutions are letting down our youth by failing to recognize that they need more autonomy and responsibility; not more coddling.

Especially since our institutions aren’t helping our high school aged kids develop confidence and coping strategies, it’s essential that we rethink how we parent. If we truly want the best for our kids, we must focus on making them more resilient and empowered.

We must start instilling the skills and attitudes into our high school aged kids that will enable them to face the many challenges of post-secondary education and the world of work that follows.

We need to stop doing our kids’ homework and calling up the teacher or the principal every time we don’t like our kid’s grade. Maybe it’s time to figure out why our kid is struggling with that particular class. The child might need extra help, or maybe they just need to develop better study habits.

Maybe all our coddling has left them so lacking in confidence that they need support in seeing that they’re capable of functioning independently and competently.

We need to stop over-scheduling our kids and let them play outdoors on their own, without adult supervision or control. We need to trust our kids and recognize that they’re smart, resourceful young people, better able to care for themselves than we might imagine.

When our kids can spend time just playing with one-another, they’ll learn essential life skills including leadership, cooperation, problem-solving, flexibility and compassion.

We need to stop over-protecting our kids and fighting all their battles for them. We can teach them good coping skills and then encourage them to practice these skills. This is how they’ll gain confidence and competence and it’s how they’ll begin to learn from their mistakes and their failures. This is how they’ll become competitive with their college peers.

High school is our last chance to change the way we parent before we send our kids off to college and into adult life. If we love them, we must stop hovering over them and start preparing them for the very real challenges that lie ahead.

Sign up here for my free monthly wellness newsletter. July is about making the best of your summer.

How to Raise Brave, Resilient Kids and Prevent Highschool Meltdowns

It’s been 2 years since Sheryl Sandberg, Facebook CEO and author of Lean In, lost her husband to a heart attack and embarked on a journey to ensure that her two young kids would grow up strong, brave and happy.  Out of this came her latest book, Plan B: Facing Adversity, Building Resilience, and Finding Joy, (Knopf, 2017) in which she talks about her experiences trying to raise resilient, joyful youngsters.

I’ve been writing and speaking over the past year about how kids these days seem less confident, more unhappy and less resilient than ever before, and how helicopter parenting is in large part to blame. I’m referring to the over-protective, coddling, enabling type of parenting that produces overly-entitled young people who are nevertheless unable to cope with even the most insignificant challenges. Despite their best intentions, helicopter parents are setting up their kids for failure in all aspects of their lives.

I believe that helicopter parents are responsible for creating a mental health crisis in our Colleges and Universities. Armed with great love but misguided notions of parenting, they’re raising kids who struggle so hard to cope with the ordinary challenges of high school that by the time they reach the post-secondary level, these young people are having emotional melt-downs on a regular basis.

In a recent article in the Toronto Star the writer, Andrea Gordon, talked about how more and more high school kids are showing up at the guidance office with mental health issues and how the school counselors are stretched to their limit, not having enough staff to handle either the intensity of the problems or the number of kids who need help.

In another article in the Star by Samantha Beattie, the writer refers to a study by Children’s Mental Health Ontario, which found that almost half of the students in the province have missed school at some point because of anxiety.

Most helicopter parents are just trying their best to help their kids, but by doing too much for them they’re crippling their kids emotionally. These kids grow up not knowing how to stand on their own two feet, solve their own problems, advocate for themselves or bounce back from adversity. By the time these kids get to high school or college, they’re primed for an emotional collapse.

Some helicopter parents are overly-invested in their kids’ performance, convinced that if their kids do well at school, they’ll feel better about themselves. These parents will do their kids’ homework; they’ll call up the teacher or the principal to argue about grades, and they’ll pressure colleges to accept their kids, even when the kids don’t meet the admission requirements.

The children of this type of parent are at a double disadvantage: not only are they unable to cope on an emotional level, they haven’t been allowed to develop the academic skills that would lead to success in post-secondary education. When faced with mediocre grades and the stress of the expectations associated with higher education, these kids are primed for a breakdown.

Recently, for my Ruthless Compassion podcast series, I interviewed Dr. Holly Rogers, a psychiatrist in charge of student mental health at Duke University in North Carolina. Dr. Rogers described the same problems in several of her students.

Dr. Rogers pointed out that those students who were raised by helicopter parents have been struggling, while those who’ve had to face some adversity in their young lives and who were expected to deal with problems for the most part on their own are by comparison, doing much better, both academically and socially.

Neither I nor Dr. Rogers are advocating that we abandon our kids or deliberately put them in harm’s way but we’re both aware of how too much enabling and spoiling will create kids who lack the basic coping strategies necessary for success at school and in life.

It’s important that we rethink how we parent our kids. If we truly want the best for them, we must do like Sheryl Sandberg did and focus on growing resilient, empowered kids. We must start instilling the skills and attitudes into our high-school-aged kids that will enable them to face the challenges of post-secondary education and the world of work that follows.

We need to stop doing our kids’ homework and calling up the teacher or the principal every time we don’t like our kid’s grade. Maybe it’s time to figure out why our kid is struggling with that particular class. Maybe the child needs extra help, or maybe they just need to develop better study habits.

We need to stop over-scheduling our kids and allow them to go out and play on their own, without adult supervision or control. We need to trust our kids and recognize that they’re smart, resourceful people who are better able to take care of themselves than we’ve given them credit for. When our kids can spend time just playing with one-another, they’ll learn essential life skills, including leadership, cooperation, problem-solving, flexibility and compassion.

We need to stop over-protecting our kids and fighting all their battles for them. We can teach them good coping skills and let them go out and practice these skills. This is how they’ll gain confidence and competence and it’s how they’ll begin to learn from their mistakes and their failures. They’ll become strong, capable, resilient kids who’ll grow into high-functioning young adults.

High school is our last chance to change the way we parent before we send our kids off to college and into adult life. If we truly love them, we must stop hovering over them and start preparing them for the very real challenges that lie ahead.

Sign up here for my free monthly wellness newsletter June is all about youth empowerment.

The Five Reasons Why People Get Into Abusive Relationships

Spring has arrived and thoughts turn to love. Those who are already in relationships are enjoying all the benefits of couple-hood. Some people, however, aren’t very happy at all. These are the ones who’ve gotten into abusive relationships.

The term, “abusive relationship” is thrown around a lot, but what does it really mean? In my experience as a therapist, it’s a relationship that causes more harm than good. It’s an interaction that’s damaging and undermining as opposed to loving, supportive and uplifting.

An abusive relationship can be hurtful in any number of ways — physically, emotionally, sexually or financially. The abuser is often contemptuous, crazy-making, humiliating, intimidating and/or rejecting.

This type of relationship makes the abused person feel diminished and humiliated. It makes them feel stupid, ugly, useless, and undeserving of good things. The abuser makes their victim feel incompetent and incapable of self-care or of holding down a job.

Abusers are ultra-controlling and hyper-critical. They separate their partner from their support system and from anyone who could point out what the abuser is actually doing. They destroy their partner’s confidence and convince their partner that they can’t survive without them. Sometimes, they’ll threaten to attack their partner if they talk about leaving the relationship.

A romantic connection should make both partners happy. The relationship should bring out the best in both people and make them feel good about themselves. It should be predominantly enjoyable and enriching, and less frequently unpleasant or stressful. Abusive relationships have the opposite effect.

So why would someone get into an abusive relationship? From my years of working as a psychotherapist, I’ve observed five reasons. These reasons all have one thing in common, in that each of them originates in childhood trauma.

A child who grows up with severe abuse, neglect or both develops attitudes, expectations, beliefs and psychological defense mechanisms which make them susceptible to being mistreated as adults. They don’t mean to do this, but their trauma history set them up for it.

Here are the five reasons why people get into abusive relationships:

Not feeling like they deserve to be treated with kindness, consideration or respect: The child who grows up in a hurtful environment takes it personally when they’re mistreated. Children believe that it’s their fault when others hurt them. Being abused as a child convinces them that they’re “bad” and they deserve the same mistreatment in their adult relationships.

Expecting the worst from people because it’s familiar: The things that happen to us in childhood become our “normal.” If we were abused as a child, we grow up believing that this is the way everyone will treat us. In our minds, it’s just the way things are. When an abusive person comes along we figure, that’s the nature of romantic relationships.

The repetition-compulsion: Some victims of childhood abuse are driven by powerful unconscious needs for healing. They’re repeatedly drawn to people who remind them of their hurtful parent(s) and they compulsively try to change these hurtful people into loving, caring ones. The underlying wish is to rewrite their story with a new ending and thereby heal themselves.

Unfortunately, this never works, and all that happens is that they stay in abusive relationships, waiting and hoping for the transformation that will never come.

Blind spots for abusive people: Many people who were abused as a child found it much too painful to face the truth about their parents. It was too difficult to see them as cruel or neglectful, because these were the people who were supposed to love and protect them. As adults, it hurts too much to acknowledge the truth about Mom or Dad.

Unfortunately, this denial around their parents has a tendency to extend to everyone in their adult life. They’re unable to see abusive partners for who they really are, no matter how badly these people treat them.

They inadvertently act like prey: People with a history of childhood trauma tend to carry emotional wounds and are therefore more susceptible to being preyed upon by abusers.

They walk around with poor self-confidence, feelings of unworthiness and a sense of “learned helplessness” that comes from not having been able to escape the abuse as a child. Predators see them as easy marks and will exploit their vulnerability.

It’s important to stress that when someone gets involved with an abuser it’s not their fault. They’re not being “stupid” or “crazy” or “asking for it.” The wounds from their childhood have set them up for abuse in their adult relationships. They’re not making the choice consciously or deliberately.

It’s my hope that when people understand why they get into abusive relationships, they can recognize the trauma that’s driving their behaviour and begin to seek out healing.

Knowing what’s at the heart of a person’s seemingly self-destructive choices, their friends and family can be more supportive, especially around helping them find the appropriate therapeutic resources.

It’s time to stop criticizing and blaming the victims of abusive relationships. We need to be more understanding toward them and help them find the emotional healing that will enable them to make better relationship choices, moving forward.

Sign up here for my free monthly wellness newsletter June is all about youth empowerment.

We Need to Stop Comparing Ourselves to Others Online

People are constantly posting photos of themselves online doing amazing things with amazing people. Whether they choose Facebook, Instagram, Snapchat, Twitter or all of the above, many of these individuals have become social media stars. For those of us with relatively ordinary lives, it’s easy to feel like we fall short in comparison.

It’s almost an automatic reflex to compare ourselves to those people online who we think are living more exciting lives than we are. We see them doing these seemingly fabulous activities and going to these seemingly fantastic places and we think, “Why am I not doing that? Why can’t I have that lifestyle?”

The people posting their photos online look great all the time. They never have a bad hair day or a wardrobe malfunction. Their clothes and makeup are always perfect; their activities seem incredibly fun and exciting; they’re surrounded by beautiful, fascinating-looking people. We regular folk feel inadequate in comparison.

But should we be comparing ourselves to the pictures we see online? For many of us, it’s almost impossible not to do so. But when we do compare ourselves, we feel like we could never measure up.

It’s demoralizing, as we’re convinced that we’ll never be as attractive, as well-dressed or as popular as these people appear to be. We’re certain that we’ll never be at the right place at the right time, like these internet stars always are.

But there’s something we need to remember about online images. Their only purpose is to present their subject in the best possible light. These people are posting deliberately manipulated images in order to show us a version of themselves that’s at best, highly exaggerated and at worst, utterly artificial.

The truth is that many of the people who post these perfect lifestyle and beauty shots online aren’t living their best lives or being their best selves. Most of them are carefully curating the images they present, and some are manufacturing artificial scenarios in the same way as an art director for film, TV or advertising creates an imaginary world.

Film and TV directors create images in order to tell us stories; advertisers manipulate or distort images to sell us products, and people on social media post their carefully chosen images in order to make the best possible impression.

What’s the underlying motivation for this last group? Maybe it’s the ego boost that’s supposed to come with the illusion of fame; maybe it’s the hope of getting their sites monetized; maybe it’s insecurity and an excessive need for admiration – even if this admiration is based on an illusion.

The social media pictures we see every day are so convincing that they seem authentic. We tend to believe the hype and it’s sad because we’re judging ourselves as inadequate while comparing ourselves to images that aren’t real.

The internet lends itself to liars. Whether political lobbyists, advertisers or cat-fishers, too many people online are nothing like what they’re presenting. Some aren’t even people, they’re bots! The take-away message should be that just because we think something seems real online, it doesn’t mean that it is.

We need to be careful when comparing ourselves to others online, because more often than not, the person with the seemingly fabulous life is presenting a hugely false impression of their appearance, social life, finances, possessions and lifestyle. In fact, a recent Huffington Post article describes 11 things that people regularly fake on their social media profiles.

Comparing ourselves to others is always problematic. We habitually compare ourselves to those who appear to be better than we are and then we feel bad about ourselves. We rarely compare ourselves to those who appear to have less than we do.

We need to stop comparing ourselves to others in general, because the nature of such comparisons is to always make us feel “less than,” and this leads to unhappiness. We need to accept ourselves just as we are, right now.

We shouldn’t be trying to live up to the illusory standards of perfection we see online. We don’t need to be perfect to be happy. Happiness comes from living our best lives – not a replication of someone else’s life; it comes from being the best version of ourselves – not a carbon copy of someone else.

Choosing not to compare ourselves to others doesn’t mean that we should be complacent. It’s appropriate to be always learning, growing and changing, but we’ll be more motivated to change when we already feel good about ourselves.

Self-acceptance is more conducive to self-improvement than self-criticism is. With a positive attitude about ourselves rather than a judgmental one, we’re empowered to become the best versions of ourselves that we can be.

What we shouldn’t ever do is beat ourselves up for failing to meet these false standards of perfection. Perfection is impossible and unnecessary, and the truth is that no-one who posts their pictures on social media is anywhere close to perfect.

Sign up here for my free monthly wellness newsletter June is all about youth empowerment.

The Horrific Toronto Sidewalk Attack is Not Who We Really Are

Twenty-five year old Alek Minassian allegedly drove a white rental van onto a North Toronto sidewalk on Monday, April 23, killing 10 people and injuring 15. We don’t yet know why he did it. All we know is that it looked to be deliberate.

The suspect is in custody now and we’re hoping to learn what caused him to engage in such a horrific act of violence.

This is devastating news on many fronts. The loss of so many innocent lives is shocking and heart-breaking. My deepest condolences go out to the family and friends of the victims. The sheer senselessness of the act is almost impossible to comprehend.

These types of mass killings are rare in Canada – a country that prides itself on being determinedly non-violent. In our neighbor to the south these events are sadly, more the rule than the exception but in Canada, at least up until now, they’ve been few and far between.

After an event like Monday’s, many people in Toronto and across the country are feeling anxious and unsettled. Some of us wonder whether this the random act of a deranged individual (or group) or if we’ve turned the page onto a new chapter in Canadian life- one that will begin to include more of these violent acts.

One thing that gives me hope is the way ordinary citizens jumped in to help, in the immediate aftermath of the attack. Some people filmed the attack on their phones to show to the police; one man followed the van when the driver took off down the street; others rushed in to help the injured. This is who Torontonians really are, in my mind.

I desperately hope that this attack was a one-off aberration and that we get right back to being a beacon of peace, kindness and stability in an otherwise frightening and chaotic world.Whatever the reason for this cowardly act of violence, we Canadians need to remember who we are and what we truly believe in.

First and foremost, we’re a country that cares about its people. We’re not perfect by any means and we haven’t been immune to mistakes but from the beginning, we’ve embraced such values as tolerance, generosity and forgiveness. We believe more in social welfare than in weapons; we’re international peace-keepers, always preferring to move forward with diplomacy and negotiation. To be Canadian is to reject aggression and promote conciliation.

Canada has always chosen to welcome immigrants, opening its arms to everyone across the globe and weaving this diversity into the fabric of our great nation, thereby strengthening it. Toronto is the most multicultural city in North America; perhaps in the entire world. And we like it that way. We’re not haters, we Canadians. We’re a compassionate people.

Whatever turns out to be the reason for Monday’s tragic events, I hope that in the aftermath we can keep sight of who we really are and come together as a kind, caring and connected community.

We can grieve together, comfort one-another and strive to be our best selves. In so doing, we can remind everyone that people like the alleged perpetrator, Mr. Minassian, are not representative of Torontonians or of Canadians in any way, shape or form.

Sign up here for my free monthly wellness newsletter May is all about love and relationships.

Don’t Ignore the Red Flags Early On in Your Relationship

Spring is here and people are starting to think about romance. They’re looking to meet that special someone and fall in love. For those who’ve been through a number of failed relationships their hearts are filled with hope that this time, things will work out.

For anyone who has endured unsatisfying or frustrating interactions with a romantic partner, I can tell you that there’s one thing guaranteed to make you unhappy in your future relationships, and that’s ignoring the red flags you see at the start.

You can ask anyone who’s just come out of a bad break-up what happened; you can question why they had to walk away from someone hurtful, or a commitment-phobe or a cheater, and it’s uncanny how many people will say the same thing. What they say is that the warning signs were there, right from the start, but they ignored them.

It’s a sad fact that far too many of us choose to see what we want to see as opposed to what’s actually in front of us. We don’t want to believe that the person we have a crush on could be hurtful, unable to commit, or unfaithful.

We want to think that the warning signs we’re seeing are flukes, aberrations, one-offs, and that the real person isn’t like this. We convince ourselves that the person is kind, committed and faithful even when they’re showing us, with their actions, that they’re not.

In psychology, seeing what we want to see as opposed to what’s actually there is called “magical thinking.” It’s like we fall under a spell that makes us see a whitewashed version of the other person; something that their in-the world behavior contradicts. Of course, this can’t end well for us.

If we’re in denial of the other person’s coldness, selfishness, or insensitivity; if we refuse to acknowledge their obvious aversion to commitment; if we ignore their constant flirting or pretend that their frequent late nights at the office don’t mean anything, we’re going to get hurt. It’s that simple.

We can’t pretend to ourselves that the person we like, or love, is different from what they’re showing us. If any red flags pop up, we have to face them and deal with them, or bad things will happen.

As a psychotherapist, I’ve never once, in all my years of practice, heard a patient say that their partner’s bad behavior was a surprise to them. Every single person admitted to noticing one or two red flags, right at the start – most of these on the first or second date, in fact.

I’ve heard stories from my psychotherapy patients where the person across the table from them has said things early on like, “My ex hates my guts,” or “I don’t know why I’m in my 50’s and never got married,” or “I’m a flirt. You just have to accept that about me,” or even, “I’m probably going to hurt you; I seem to hurt everyone that I date.” And yet, my patients reported to me that they didn’t run for the hills.

Love is a complicated emotion. Attraction is just as confusing. These things make our brains go to mush and they compromise our decision-making process. For anyone contemplating a new relationship, it’s essential that they keep a clear head and acknowledge any warning signs that might come up early on.

We might want to believe that these red flags don’t mean anything but the truth is that early in every relationship, people show us exactly who they are, and it’s our choice whether to pay attention or not. What I want to reinforce is that we ignore these warning signs at our own peril.

We have more power and more choice in our relationships than we might think we have. We are equipped to recognize at an early stage the signs that the other person isn’t going to make us happy, and we’re able to act on what we see, preventing a whole lot of grief down the road.

Yes, we might be totally infatuated with this person. Maybe we find them irresistibly attractive, intriguing and charming. Maybe we’re desperate to believe that it can work between us. But we need to face the truth about this person now, when the stakes are at their lowest and before we’ve invested so much time, energy and love into a futile or damaging relationship.

It’s disappointing to walk away from a first or second date and realize that this person is an unsuitable match. Maybe it’s extremely disappointing. But, it’s going to be that much more disappointing to  allow ourselves to get hurt in a relationship, yet again.

Instead of seeing the red flags as something to fear or avoid, we need to be grateful for this early warning system. It’s our best chance of protecting ourselves from yet another bad relationship.

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Is Living Apart Together a Relationship Style That’s Right for You?

It’s Springtime and wedding season is just about to begin. Some engaged couples are stressing out about the rising costs of getting married. The average cost of a wedding in Canada today is just over 30 thousand dollars. Some couples try to save money by choosing to go the city hall route but there’s one group of people that’s trying something altogether different.

Whether or not they choose to get married, many couples follow the familiar model of relationships in which they meet, fall in love and then move in together. Lately, though, some people are defying the stereotype and choosing to be in loving, long-term relationships without the benefits of cohabiting. They’re doing what’s called Living Apart Together, or LAT.

According to 2011 data from Statistics Canada, almost two million Canadians were in a LAT couple. I imagine that there are even more people doing this, today.

For younger couples, the choice to be together but live apart is often due to financial circumstances or because of separations brought on by work or school. For couples aged 60 and over, however, the most common reason for choosing this type of arrangement is to remain independent.

In the younger age group, the majority of people plan to eventually move in with their partner, whereas in the older group, the majority have no such plans. These individuals want to maintain their own homes and their own lifestyles while being in a committed relationship with their partner.

In the older age group, most have been married before and have grown children. These individuals don’t want to give up their autonomy, and many aren’t interested in starting all over again, doing all the things involved with caring for a spouse. Some don’t want to complicate their kids’ inheritance.  Some just like having the space to do their own thing.

When thinking about this type of arrangement, many advantages are immediately obvious. People in a LAT couple can have a strong sense of independence while also enjoying the benefits of intimacy. They can bring more romance, passion and novelty to the relationship when they come together after time spent apart.

For LAT couples, they can experience less conflict in their relationship, because they’re able to go home and cool off when they’re feeling angry or frustrated with their partner. If they’re getting on each-other’s nerves, they can retreat to their separate corners with no-one feeling abandoned or rejected.

Another advantage to the LAT arrangement is that these couples tend to feel less stuck in an unsatisfying relationship because if things aren’t working out, it’s much easier to walk away. They don’t have the stress of splitting up their possessions, cleaning out an apartment or selling a house. If the relationship isn’t making them happy, they can choose to end it, no harm, no foul.

Couples who opt for this type of relationship often can have a greater appreciation for one another. Not being together every moment of every day can make the partners value each-other more and be more grateful for the time they have together. They’re less likely to take each-other for granted and they’re more likely to expend the effort to make each moment count.

Sometimes, when a couple moves in together and they aren’t actually compatible, the fact of cohabiting makes them believe that they’re closer than they are. They’ve invested emotionally and financially in sharing a space so it’s that much harder to imagine splitting up.  A couple like this might remain together for longer than they should; tolerating a relationship that ought to have ended a long time ago.

In LAT couples, there’s no sense of an artificially increased commitment to the relationship that happens when people choose to live together. How they feel about the relationship is based on how the relationship is actually going for them.

For someone who’s raised their children and has had a career, they often have no interest in being a home-maker or physical care-taker at this point in their life. An arrangement such as LAT could suit such a person, as it confers all the benefits of a loving relationship while avoiding many of the drawbacks.

For someone who’s been surrounded by children and grandchildren for years, the LAT arrangement could provide them with much-needed alone time to focus on self-care and to do the things that they find most meaningful. It can also give them the space to enjoy the things that their partner isn’t into.

If they like watching sports on TV and their partner doesn’t, for example, they can do it on their own time and never have to feel bad for inflicting hours of play-by-play on the other person. If they enjoy sitting in front of the computer for hours on end, they can do it on their own time and never have to feel guilty for neglecting their partner.

Of course, it’s not all sunshine and roses. The LAT arrangement only works if both people are fully on board. If one partner is really into it and the other is just going along, things won’t end well for either of them.

On the negative side, there’s the cost of keeping up two households, and the feeling for certain LAT couples that their relationship is “neither here nor there.” For some individuals in LAT couples, it can be easier to stray, as no-one is keeping track of what the other person is doing in their free time. There’s also social pressure from friends and family members who expect the couple to live under one roof.

In LAT couples, it can be almost too easy to avoid dealing with the difficult issues that come up between them. One can always just go home if things start getting overly challenging, but over time, these unresolved issues can lead to a rupture in the fabric of the relationship.

And perhaps because absence doesn’t always make the heart grow fonder, living apart could lead to a feeling of being insufficiently connected, which could eventually result in the breakdown of intimacy and the decline of the relationship.

Still, it’s an intriguing idea. It’s certainly not for everyone, but in this day and age of alternative living arrangements and lifestyles, it’s definitely worth considering. In fact, when you think about it, it might be exactly what your relationship could use.

Sign up here for my free monthly wellness newsletter May is all about love and connection.

Is Living Together Apart a Relationship Style That’s Right for You?

It’s Springtime and wedding season is just about to begin. Some engaged couples are stressing out about the rising costs of getting married. The average cost of a wedding in Canada today is just over 30 thousand dollars. Some couples try to save money by choosing to go the city hall route but there’s one group of people that’s trying something altogether different.

Whether or not they choose to get married, many couples follow the familiar model of relationships in which they meet, fall in love and then move in together. Lately, though, some people are defying the stereotype and choosing to be in loving, long-term relationships without the benefits of cohabiting. They’re doing what’s called Living Apart Together, or LAT.

According to 2011 data from Statistics Canada, almost two million Canadians were in a LAT couple. I imagine that there are even more people doing this, today.

For younger couples, the choice to be together but live apart is often due to financial circumstances or because of separations brought on by work or school. For couples aged 60 and over, however, the most common reason for choosing this type of arrangement is to remain independent.

In the younger age group, the majority of people plan to eventually move in with their partner, whereas in the older group, the majority have no such plans. These individuals want to maintain their own homes and their own lifestyles while being in a committed relationship with their partner.

In the older age group, most have been married before and have grown children. These individuals don’t want to give up their autonomy, and many aren’t interested in starting all over again, doing all the things involved with caring for a spouse. Some don’t want to complicate their kids’ inheritance.  Some just like having the space to do their own thing.

When thinking about this type of arrangement, many advantages are immediately obvious. People in a LAT couple can have a strong sense of independence while also enjoying the benefits of intimacy. They can bring more romance, passion and novelty to the relationship when they come together after time spent apart.

For LAT couples, they can experience less conflict in their relationship, because they’re able to go home and cool off when they’re feeling angry or frustrated with their partner. If they’re getting on each-other’s nerves, they can retreat to their separate corners with no-one feeling abandoned or rejected.

Another advantage to the LAT arrangement is that these couples tend to feel less stuck in an unsatisfying relationship because if things aren’t working out, it’s much easier to walk away. They don’t have the stress of splitting up their possessions, cleaning out an apartment or selling a house. If the relationship isn’t making them happy, they can choose to end it, no harm, no foul.

Couples who opt for this type of relationship often can have a greater appreciation for one another. Not being together every moment of every day can make the partners value each-other more and be more grateful for the time they have together. They’re less likely to take each-other for granted and they’re more likely to expend the effort to make each moment count.

Sometimes, when a couple moves in together and they aren’t actually compatible, the fact of cohabiting makes them believe that they’re closer than they are. They’ve invested emotionally and financially in sharing a space so it’s that much harder to imagine splitting up.  A couple like this might remain together for longer than they should; tolerating a relationship that ought to have ended a long time ago.

In LAT couples, there’s no sense of an artificially increased commitment to the relationship that happens when people choose to live together. How they feel about the relationship is based on how the relationship is actually going for them.

For someone who’s raised their children and has had a career, they often have no interest in being a home-maker or physical care-taker at this point in their life. An arrangement such as LAT could suit such a person, as it confers all the benefits of a loving relationship while avoiding many of the drawbacks.

For someone who’s been surrounded by children and grandchildren for years, the LAT arrangement could provide them with much-needed alone time to focus on self-care and to do the things that they find most meaningful. It can also give them the space to enjoy the things that their partner isn’t into.

If they like watching sports on TV and their partner doesn’t, for example, they can do it on their own time and never have to feel bad for inflicting hours of play-by-play on the other person. If they enjoy sitting in front of the computer for hours on end, they can do it on their own time and never have to feel guilty for neglecting their partner.

Of course, it’s not all sunshine and roses. The LAT arrangement only works if both people are fully on board. If one partner is really into it and the other is just going along, things won’t end well for either of them.

On the negative side, there’s the cost of keeping up two households, and the feeling for certain LAT couples that their relationship is “neither here nor there.” For some individuals in LAT couples, it can be easier to stray, as no-one is keeping track of what the other person is doing in their free time. There’s also social pressure from friends and family members who expect the couple to live under one roof.

In LAT couples, it can be almost too easy to avoid dealing with the difficult issues that come up between them. One can always just go home if things start getting overly challenging, but over time, these unresolved issues can lead to a rupture in the fabric of the relationship.

And perhaps because absence doesn’t always make the heart grow fonder, living apart could lead to a feeling of being insufficiently connected, which could eventually result in the breakdown of intimacy and the decline of the relationship.

Still, it’s an intriguing idea. It’s certainly not for everyone, but in this day and age of alternative living arrangements and lifestyles, it’s definitely worth considering. In fact, when you think about it, it might be exactly what your relationship could use.

Sign up here for my free monthly wellness newsletter May is all about love and connection.