A.R. Marshall's Blog, page 2

Talking Birds & Bees

I don’t remember ever having the talk. I think my pops tried to bring it up once. I vaguely remember it happening as the yellow VW Rabbit pulled up our driveway – early teen years, maybe? I bailed at the first sign of awkwardness with a quick, “got it dad.” I was out of the car and into the house as fast as possible. A few years earlier, I remember watching an unexpected pregnancy unfolded during NBC’s Thursday night line-up. In the middle of the awkward humor, mom said, “boys,” to my brother and I, “that’s why you keep your pecker in your pocket!” Seriously? Yep, she said "pecker." Outside of a high school health class & clueless friends, that was my sex education. Today, as dad to two sons and a daughter, I’m wondering how to shepherd my own kids through an understanding of the birds and the bees. The cliché holds true – these sex talk waters are murkier than when I was learning the ropes. Gender fluidity, open relationships, experimentation, and instant access to pornography all color the conversation. Our culture is super-saturated with sex – from ED pharma commercials penetrating sports broadcasts to Victoria Secrets “angels” peppering sitcoms in 30-second spots. And don’t forget, erotic fantasies are a just click, app, or hashtag away. Does our flippant approach to sex have consequences? Research suggests, yes. Here’s a sampling: Impact of Pornography on Children, American College of Pediatrics Pornography and Sexual Violence, HuffPost Objectification of women, Scientific American Sex Trafficking and Pornography, HuffPost Promiscuity and Depression, Psychology Today Yep. It's a big deal. How do we give our sons a fighting chance? How do we talk our daughters out of athleisurewear? Who knows a good Jiu Jitsu teacher? What’s the waiting period on shotguns? Fear not. Good advice is just a paragraph away. I won’t be signing off with a quip about living in a broken world. I asked smarter folks for advice, and I’m passing it on to you. 5 sex talk suggestions for us dads from people smarter than me: 1. Commit You can do this. You can do this differently than your parents did. It’ll be challenging, but most good stuff is. So, get your head on straight, get your wife on board, rope in a few dad friends so you don’t feel alone, and take the rest of these steps seriously. Intentional parenting is hard work, but it’s what you signed up for when you decided to love your family. Pep talk over – on to suggestion 2. 2. Start early When I said, “Help! How do I have the sex talk with my kids,” they laughed at me. It was the wrong question, they said, “ask when, not how.” “Okay, when?” “Sooner than you think!” Turns out it’s not about having “the talk.” It’s about talking normally about stuff that we often treat as taboo. When my 5-year old is running around naked, with a rock-solid erection, my wife blushes and I laugh. When that same erection makes wearing a seatbelt uncomfortable, I get teach him to swipe it upright for comfort sake (thanks to Rod for that brilliant tip). The point is, it’s not ever too early to help our kids understand their bodies. If we want to be the go-to Q&A coach for puberty, we need to start talking about bodies – without shaming – as early as possible. Brass Tacks? If your kids are under 3, breathe easy. This journey is just around the corner. If they’re 3 or older, it’s time to get in the game. If your kids are already teens, remember that it’s never too late to start, or hit the reset button. The big idea here is start. Once you’ve had an initial conversation, move on to suggestion 3. 3. Talk Regularly Did you catch that? It’s not "the sex talk," it’s sex talks. This notion of having one ultimate birds-and-bees conversation is high pressure and way too awkward to consider. Instead of viewing it as a trip to the dentist, have lots of small talks along the way – like brushing your teeth. It keeps your mouth clean, and makes the 6-month checkup easier. Have regular conversations with your sons. Help them identify (and appreciate) what is cool, unique, and special about being a boy. Don’t forget peeing standing up, growing a cop stache, and chest hair (if they eat their veggies). Have regular conversations with your daughters. Help them identify (and appreciate) what is cool, unique, and special about being a girl. My daughter thinks having a womb is the coolest thing ever, and she can’t wait to grow breasts. I, on the other hand, am happy to wait. Have these conversations as frequently as possible. Be intentional about casually bringing things up. Be intentional about answering questions when they come up – or promising to answer them when the environment is right or after you’ve decided how you want to answer. Openly answering questions has been really fun. For example, one afternoon, about 4 years ago, our oldest asked why women in commercials didn’t wear more clothes. We had a great conversation wherein I suggested maybe the women didn’t know they needed more privacy. Now, our son looks away from immodestly dressed women as his way of respecting them and their privacy. He’s nine, and it works for now. We’ll see how his approach changes over time. Be ready to challenge too. What happens when you catch your son (or daughter) viewing pornography, or trolling inappropriate hashtags on instagram? All the normal, casual, regular conversations you've been having will create a context for that conversation too. In each of these moments – as we talk with our kids – we have opportunities to remind them that God has created them uniquely, and individually, as his own children. Sexuality can be confusing, but we (moms and dads) get to be the sounding board our kids engage when they process their fears, questions, and concerns. That leads to suggestion 4. 4. Be There We’ve got to find ways to be real, safe, and accessible. Our kids are facing a tough road, and their friends certainly aren’t the experts we want giving direction. This can be especially challenging if we’re starting late in the game (but not impossible). Want to be there for your kids? Pray for them. Pray specific prayers. Want to get crazy? Pray with them. Bless them. Put a hand on them and speak blessing over their lives. Tell them you love them. The more we build up our relational equity, the more likely it is they will turn to us when they need support, questions answered, and on. And when they come with questions, well, that brings us to suggestion 5. 5. Utilize Resources While the first 4 steps are great reminders, some of us need a more specific plan, or script. If that’s you, here are some resources folks recommended to me (that I actually use): a) God’s Design for Sex, book series This overtly Christian series does a great job of creating context for easy conversations about bodies, sexuality, and procreation. Even if you don't agree with everything the books suggest, you'll have a platform for meaningful discussion: Book 1 (The Story of Me, for ages 3-5) talks about being created by God, and introduces concepts like womb, uterus, umbilical cords, breasts, gender, and privacy. Book 2 (Before I Was Born, for ages 5-8) introduces gender specific body parts, changes in adult bodies, love, marriage, sex, pregnancy, and birth. Book 3 (What’s the Big Deal: Why God Cares About Sex, for ages 8-11) addresses twelve relevant questions, like “Why do people have sex?”, “What happens during puberty?”, “What’s a period?”, “What is sexual abuse?, and on. Book 4 (Facing the Facts: the truth about sex and you, for ages 11-14) covers more specifics for puberty, how pregnancy and birth work, thoughts on dating, and saving sex for marriage. Books 1 and 2 are designed to be read to your kids, while books 3 and 4 can be read together, or independently. In either case, they set the stage for excellent discussion. Anecdotally, we’ve used books 1 and 2 with all our kids and are working through book 3 with our oldest. While I don’t find myself in-step with everything the books say, I have found them to be invaluable tools for starting the conversation. The shared reading format of Book 3 is a hit with our oldest. I recommend them highly to anyone ready to start the “sex talks” process. b) Good Pictures Bad Pictures: Porn-proofing Today’s Young Kids This short picture book was developed by two PhDs, and it offers a clear strategy for preparing kids to avoid pornography. The book defines pornography and addiction. It talks about the two brains each of us have – a thinking brain, and a feeling brain. By encouraging the thinking brain with their “CAN DO” plan, we can avoid the poison of addiction to pornography. This book is simply, but genius. It presents a clear picture of addiction, while simultaneously equipping our kids with a simple process for avoiding porn. The “CAN DO” plan – an acronym for their 5-step plan to redirect – is simple, and memorable. I highly recommend this resource. So, to recap… We have to do better than our parents. They did their best, but as Dylan mused, “these times, they are a-changin’.” Our kids need us to parent intentionally, especially when it comes to understanding the birds and the bees. Terrified? Nervous? Before you throw in the towel, imagine what happens if you don’t take action. Imagine not being able to process this stuff with your kids. Remember all the bad advice you got, and consider how much murkier the water is for your kids today. So… Commit today to intentional parenting. Start early (if you can). If you can’t, start today. Create space for regular conversations. Be real, safe, and accessible. And, when you feel stuck, lean on resources – you’re not alone. You can endure the awkwardness because you know it opens doors to fruitful relationship with your kids.

European Family Vacation: 5 people, 22 days, under $5k. Really.

So, you want to take your family to Europe? Excellent. You’re not crazy - well, maybe a little. It’ll be an adventure, but don’t think the experience starts when you leave the house or board the plane. You’re an intentional parent. Your adventure starts today, so make the most of it. Here’s how. First, you need an excuse [maybe]. If you knew my wife and I, you wouldn’t think we’d wait for an excuse. We have consistently selected travel opportunities over socking cash away. Over the years, we’ve been blessed with more than a few unique opportunities to travel. For this trip, we had an excuse: to celebrate the close of my doctoral studies. Way back in 2010, I signed on for a PhD program at the University of Edinburgh. Our burgeoning family of 4 spent three incredible months in Scotland that summer to kick off the program. We loved those memories, and we were overdue for a return trip (or a first one for the youngest). We work hard to infect our kids with the travel bug - with food, art, sport, and culture. The wall behind our dining table holds a gigantic IKEA map of the world, and our kids play “find that country/city/body of water” games almost daily. When they learned we had a trip to Europe in the works, they lit up - so we got them involved. Next, make a plan. We had about three weeks to travel, and had to visit Edinburgh. Everything else was up for grabs. We also had a tight budget - under $5,000. Recap: 22 days, 5 people, total expense (including air) not to exceed $5k. Step 1. Bookend the trip with airfare. Someone put WowAir on my radar. They’re a low-cost carrier out of Iceland, and they offer a variety of European destinations with the option to stop-over in Iceland. We’d be flying out of LA, and after playing around with dates, we secured roundtrip to Edinburgh for just under $345 per person. There are other search options, and you really have to play around with dates to get the best rate (for example, check out justlyfly.com). The catch? Luggage would be (very) limited to a small carry-on and a personal item. Wifey accepted the challenge. I hit the purchase button. We’d spend 5 days in Iceland on the front end of the trip, then have around 17 days anchored in Edinburgh. Step 2. Dream about additional destinations. We wanted about a week in Edinburgh, so we had ten days to play with and near endless options. Nearly every Western European capital popped into the discussion at some point. Here’s where the kids had their biggest impact. What did they want to see? We spent a week or two dreaming about all the possibilities. At the same time, I scoured the web for cheap flights, rail passes, and ferry tickets between the leading candidates. In the end, some combination of cheapest and most exciting won out. We booked an overnight train from Edinburgh to London, a flight from London to Paris, and a flight from Paris to Edinburgh. With travel days locked in, we turned to lodging. Step 3. Research fun stuff to do. You’ve already started - with the pro/con lists - but now you have some focus. I skipped this stage completely, since wifey is the Research Queen. By the time we left, she had restaurants, museums, outings, and shows planned for the whole trip - all optional, of course. All that planning made selecting accommodations simpler - we knew, roughly, what we wanted to prioritize on each leg of the trip. Step 4. Lock in beds. For us, this meant lots of time surfing AirBNB [affiliate link] for the perfect flat. Our itinerary landed us in 3 cities for more than 3 nights each (a tipping point for AirBNB value). We used hotel points to lock in our two nights in London, the overnight train saved us a night, and we booked a flat in Reykjavik, Paris, and Edinburgh. AirBNB worked great. In each city we found a place with at least one room so mom and dad could play after the kids went to bed. In Iceland, we had a car, so a homestay on the outskirts of the capital worked. In Paris and Edinburgh, we found searched for flats in the city center, prioritizing walkability. Locking in the right place took some time - lots of emails back and forth with different hosts. We negotiated a bit, and asked to squeeze our third child into a home listed for four. In the end, we made some new friends. Our Iceland hosts brought over toys for the kids, and our Edinburgh host shipped us a lost dolly. Settling in for more than a couple of nights also helped each stage of the trip feel a bit more like home. I loved being able to wake up, drink some coffee, and plan the day while the kids journaled. In the evenings, we were able to put the kids to bed at a reasonable hour. For the two of us, every night was date night, even if we couldn’t leave the flat. Step 5. Network. Once you know where you’ll be when, tell the world - or at least folks in the places you are going. We spent several days with an old college roommate and his family outside of Glasgow, and another day touring St. Andrews with former students. We also ran into old friends whose vacation overlapped ours. All these encounters made the trip even richer. We also talked with folks who knew more than us. One of my co-workers grew up in Paris. She kindly mapped out several kid friendly sightseeing days - keeping terrain and transit in mind. Because of her recommendations, we enjoyed the world’s best ice cream. Step 6. Pack. Remember those super cheap tickets we purchased? Yep. No luggage. Wifey upped her packing game, and we made it work [we may have worn our jackets on the plane - layers anyone?]. The result nothing short of miraculous: four small bags and a backpack, each less than 10 lbs, for the five of us, for 22 days. We washed our clothes at each AirBNB stay, and wifey accessorized with extra scarfs and a few charity shop finds along the way. Next, go. Lock the front door and go. Then, it was time to go. We loaded up and headed to LAX. We had an amazing time. It would take me another thousand words to highlight all the adventures we had - and that still wouldn’t do the trip justice. We spelunked in Iceland, saw Aladdin in London, and experienced the election in Paris. Edinburgh felt like home - if we could, we’d spend a month or two there every year. Last, remember together. The best part about the trip - we still talk about it all the time. Our kids make learning connections we never would have expected - especially for art, history, geography, and literature. And we made it work on our budget, too. We pinched by eating in for most breakfasts and lunches, so we could splurge here and there for a broadway show or extravagant dinner. In the end, the trip was worth every penny. Now we just need to save up for the next one. I think the kids earmarked Greece and Italy. That was our trip, and it was one hell-of-an-adventure. Now, it’s your turn. What are you waiting for? Find your excuse. Make a plan. Lock the door and go. Enjoy the memories. Start your adventure today!

I like busy. I want balance. Help?

Ah, soccer season. We have been gearing up with practice for the last two weeks, so we knew it was on the horizon, but on Saturday it finally arrived. It wasn’t until halftime, refereeing a U6 girls game, that I realized my Saturdays are booked for the next ten weeks. Busy-ness & Balance Since then I’ve been thinking about the myth of work-life balance – a fancy turn of phrase, that I now believe to be complete and utter poppycock. As it turns out, work and life are far less compartmentalized than we would like to think. It takes more than “engaging” and “unplugging” to become present with the right things at the right time - especially in our multi-screen-worlds. I am convinced that some of us are hard-wired for busy-ness. My job keeps me busy. Side projects keep me busy. My family keeps me busy. Volunteering keeps me busy. And all this busy-ness is energizing. For others, this is draining, but for me – remove too much from the plate and I get bored. For my current life season, being wired this way allows me to date my wife, engage my kids, volunteer at church, pursue work wholeheartedly, wrap up PhD studies, serve on several non-profit boards, and even sneak in some time for surf. For some, the “work-life problem” may not be a “busy-ness problem.” This is good news. Especially if you look at everything on your plate and realize you can’t really set anything done right now (or don't want to let go). Our culture – perhaps modernity – trains us to embrace productivity, hell-bent on efficiency and production. Too often, we presume being busy makes us productive, but productivity has more to do with effectiveness than efficiency. So what is work-life balance about? Identity & Trajectory What direction do you take small talk? Is it about what you do or who you are? Do you hang your identity on the collection of tasks that make up each day or do you identify yourself with the bigger vision those tasks are intimately connected too? We already have routines - patterns in our life that move us toward “unconscious doing.” If busy-ness causes you to forget what you really what your life to be about, you need to establish new behaviors – counter-rhythms – that remind you who you are and where you are going. Want to establish a pattern that moves you toward balance? Stop focusing on work-life balance. Instead, Reflect on who you are and where you are going. Start with your identity. Keep your foundations front and center, empowering you to make decisions that align with who you are. Make sure you know your trajectory. Explicitly clarify your personal and work goals and keep them top of mind. Need help getting started? Here are two practices: 1. Schedule time to think about your personal core values. Make a list of your top 5, and make it as specific as possible. Surfacing these values will help ground you – reminding you of the why for your work, you priorities. Place the list somewhere you can reference it often. I keep a similar list by my bedside table to read each morning and evening. I actually read it most days, and it grounds me. 2. Set a big, long-range goal that is connected to your core values. What is one thing you’d like to be true in 10 years? Working backwards from that goal, what needs to happen in five years to be on pace? What about 3 years? 1 year? 6 months? 1 month? Today? Trajectory is more than just the target, it’s the line that gets you there. Think archery - the more precise your trajectory, the better your chance of hitting the target. So, if soccer season is hitting you like it hit us, carve out some time to plan for good busy-ness. Reflect on who you are and where you are going. It will bring perspective and remind you why you work so hard for so many.

Swim Together Better

Have you ever seen a room full of toddlers playing? As any parent of toddlers knows, there are only a few steps between calm and chaos. Wearing emotional instability on their snotty sleeve, each toddler in the room has their own agenda – find a toy and a space to play. Conflict surfaces when toddlers must compete for a particular toy, or space. Inevitably, groups of toddlers with an adequate supply of toys can be compressed into a relatively small space and still achieve “play equilibrium.” Intuitively, toddlers seem to grasp what C.S. Lewis calls our social ethic – we are, at least, responsible for not bumping into one another. Prevailing practice suggests this is our primary obligation – do what you want as long as you don’t hurt anyone else. But teamwork seems to require more of us than this social ethic. Productivity is not maximized when we each do our own thing - even if we are close enough to one another to be social and distant enough to not disrupt. What happens when "comfortable independence" shifts to "collaborative interdependence"? On a recent visit to the Monterey Bay Aquarium I found myself captivated by an Anchovy school in the 3-story kelp forest exhibit. The shoal displayed intricate synchronization and aesthetic genius as they circled kelp strands, threw light around the tank, and dodged larger neighbors. More than anything, I was intrigued by their organized unity. A step beyond the toddlers, the Anchovy maintained proximity without disrupting one another and added the ability to go somewhere together. Adding trajectory to good social interaction is no easy task. Bringing individuals into a team seems naturally disruptive – first, natural bumping and spacing occurs as members try to settle in. Then, members begin to carve out their own niche and plant themselves in relationships of either independence or dependence. In contrast, the Anchovy shoal offers a picture of interdependence. Many individuals harmonizing around a unified aim. What if we could empower teams with the wisdom of anchovies? Alone, individual anchovies would be easy pickings for predators, but with their shared goal of safety, they are able to organize to near synchronicity. And, as it turns out, analyzing their seemingly complex behavior reveals a beautiful simplicity. Research tells us that shoal, flock, and herd movement is governed by three rules: proximity-based repulsion, alignment, and attraction (read more about the research here). In the shortest measure, anchovy make sure they do not get too close to one another. Like cyclists in a peloton, getting too close can be disastrous. In the intermediate measure, anchovy instinctually maintain alignment with the whole. They follow a simple second rule that says swim at the same speed as your neighbor. Finally, the shoal follows the rule of attraction whereby each individual swims slightly toward the center line of the school. For the shoal, a few simple rules govern complex interdependence. So, can we learn from the anchovy shoal? Workplace culture is more than getting along - it's going somewhere. Alignment and trajectory emerge from shared goals. We are prone to make things more complicated than necessary. Their movement is orchestrated, but in a slightly adapted way that makes it really interesting to watch. The fish are not all synchronized on cue – instead they continually adjust their movement to match the group’s spacing, speed, and direction. So, what simple rules inspire interdependence for your team?

Humility: Do you know who I am?

My first job out of college lasted just two weeks. I had been hired by a friend of my parents to write copy for a catalog – a strong application of my studies in Business and Writing. After two weeks piecing together alliterative phrases and quippy metaphors, my boss called me into her office and asked me how I liked writing copy. In truth, I couldn’t stand it – no windows, a cubicle, staring at a computer all day, and it seemed my best writing was never on point for what the catalog needed. I told her that as much as I appreciated the work, I hated writing copy. She smiled, “great, because it seems to hate you too.” She handed me a check and I left wondering what I really wanted to do with my life. As the saying goes, experience is the best teacher. Our success and failures – when we take stock of them – offer great personal insight. One of the greatest things you can offer your employer is accurate self-knowledge. Self-knowledge is a critical skill in the workplace, and surprisingly it’s a great way to cultivate humility since knowing who you are tends to draw out who you are not. Humility has a lot to do with getting comfortable in our own skin. For me, the process has taken many turns – and it is definitely a process “in process” – but over time I have learned much about what makes me tick, like the ways I build relationships and interact with others, the roles and tasks that make long days fly by or drag, and the chinks in my armor that frequently lead me to places of fear, insecurity, or defensiveness. The process has been challenging, but the more I get to know myself, the more liberated I feel. Recognizing who I am - and who I am not – helps me get through life a bit lighter, more energized, and generally more fun. Socrates loved the maxim “Know Thyself,” and for good reason. As it turns out, confidence is closely linked to humility. People – at work and at play – appreciate someone who knows who they are and they are not; someone comfortable in their own skin. It’s a gift you can offer your organization, friendships, your family, and yourself. How do you cultivate humility? Keeping in mind that it’s a process, here are three practices that have helped me cultivate humility in my own life: Moments of Solitude. In our loud and busy world it’s important to unplug – even for brief moments – daily. These are beautiful opportunities to sit uncomfortably in silence and introspect or listen. Being present in a moment is powerful. Moments of Gratitude. Our days tend to steer us toward dissatisfaction, but there are ways to intentionally shift our minds toward thanks. Take a 3x5 card and write out 5 things you are thankful for – big things – and place it by your bedside. Every night and every morning read the list. You’ll be surprised how quickly your posture begins to shift toward gratitude. Moments of Praise. Identify 2-4 people who live, work, or play in your circles and are difficult to like. Intentionally seek out positive attitudes or behaviors in those individuals and find simple ways to share that praise with them. You will find yourself valuing others more, and you may make a few unexpected friendships along the way. What practices have helped you cultivate humility?

Strengths are like well kept trails

If you ever visit my hometown you’ll notice several peaks that jut up from the coastal valley – ancient volcanoes dotting the landscape. One in particular offers incredible views of San Luis Obispo, the coastal range, and a glimpse of the ocean. One morning some friends and I parked at the trailhead and headed up a dusty trail just before dawn. About a mile in we began to wander across the open meadow heading toward what we thought was a secondary trail – we were hopeful this “shortcut” would quicken our pace. Unable to reconnect with any trail we spent the next several hours scrapping our shins on Manzanita as we trudged through thick chaparral and searched hopelessly for the trail in dim morning light. Shrouded by the peak, we missed the sunrise that day and our ninety-minute hike turned into a full day adventure. I think that hike provides an apt – albeit limited – analogy of how our strengths and weaknesses impact our ability to lead and succeed. So follow me on a brief journey. Imagine your mind (and mine) is a peak you’ve hiked thousands of time. Each hike we’ve taken was a series of steps – thoughts and actions – representing the ways we prefer to solve problems, build friendships, inspire others, or accomplish mundane tasks. According to Gallup, the way we do life, approach challenges, and see the world is based largely on our unique sequence of strengths. These strengths are both hardwired and honed to efficiency. By analogy, each hiking route we’ve chosen represents a collection of our typical approaches to work and the lens we see the world through. As children, we also blazed new trails to the summit. I see, this in my own children – like the way our 4yr old daughter organizes her every toy and tracks doll accessories, or the way our 2yr old can read our dinner conversation well enough to unload a timely knock-knock joke and shift the mood. With encouragement and perceived success, my kids choose those pathways more frequently. By repetition their approaches and filters become increasingly efficient. Similarly, we have worn down clear paths in the rugged terrain. These paths are our favorite ways to approach people and ideas. They are easy to traverse, efficient, and they energize us. Occasionally, however, these routes appear hidden or less desirable. Like my sunrise hike, there are times we stray from the path only to struggle through thickets, or boulder around small crags. Each of these alternatives, while offering a new perspective, takes a little more out of us. Sometimes we stray for efficiency, other times we think we are just working on our weaknesses, and occasionally – though less often than we think – the alternative route is the only option. Regardless of the reason, it’s important to remember that for this analogy straying from the path will lead to exhaustion. Like the trail, our strengths provide efficient and energizing approaches to problem solving, relationship building, leadership provision, and achievement. Like our weaknesses, the thickets and crags prove inefficient and exhausting. It’s not that we can’t work out of our weaknesses – at times we must do our best out of weakness – but our strengths will energize and motivate us. Staying on the trails gets us where we want to go quickly. Are we struggling through thickets and crags unnecessarily? Is your team spending too much time bouldering? Perhaps we could regain energy and productivity. Here are three simple ways I've seen teams and individuals stick to the trail: reflecting, rethinking, and remembering. Reflect on your day and ask yourself what part of the mountain you spend time on – trail, meadow, thicket, or crag. Rethink your routes to maximize your trail time. Are their off-trail tasks that can actually be accomplished within your strengths? Maybe there’s a hidden trail that can get you by those thickets. Remember that trail time will energize you so try to end your days and weeks with some trail hiking. (Or, if you’re like me, forget the analogy and literally go hiking at the end of a long day.) If your job is all trails, consider yourself lucky – trails deliver. However, most of us face at least some tasks that feel like thickets and crags. When you do, remember they too can be crossed. Just keep in mind that too many of them, too often, might cause you to miss the sunrise.

How I caught leadership from my dad.

Another Father’s day has come and gone. It was my sixth with kids, and I got to spend some time teaching my six year old son to surf. We waded out, he settled onto the board, and I pushed his board into wave after wave for over an hour. Some he rode on his belly, some he tried to stand, and a few he stood and rode all the way to shore. In that hour he cheered, laughed, feared, and cried. He was energized and exhausted, and every time he fell, he popped up quick and searched the horizon for me. Reflecting on the lesson I’m reminded of the many lessons my own father taught me – often wading through the same spread of emotions my son experienced today. After polling over 10,000 people regarding how positive leaders contribute to our lives, Gallup identified four qualities: trust, stability, compassion, and hope (Gallup). Today, I was struck at how my son sought these qualities in me while we surfed. Could he trust me enough to let go of my hand and face the wave? Would I embrace him in his success and failure, continuing to love him and coach him up? Could I encourage him in ways that would recognize and care for his vulnerability? Would I paint a picture that could inspire him? Thinking back to memories with my own father, I’m struck by the leadership I caught from him – as he taught me to mow the lawn, catch a fish, or drive a car. In times of fear he was trustworthy and stable. In failure, he was an encourager. When I was lost or confused, he offered a broader vision of the man I wanted to become. I suppose I was one of the lucky ones – to have a father who was present and engaged – but it’s precisely because he chose to be that kind of father that I caught leadership from his example. I saw discipline when I caught him reading and praying each morning before the rest of the house woke. I experienced responsibility when he trusted me to mow the lawn and feed the dog. His passion for my mother through multiple organ transplants revealed incredible compassion and inspirational vision. As a father myself, I can only imagine the fears he must have wrestled, wondering if he would be a widower with two small boys, but he remained grounded and stable, hoping and trusting beyond himself. For me, he was a giant, though I doubt he was trying to teach me all the lessons I caught. More likely, he was just being himself – or perhaps striving to be the dad he wanted to become instead of settling for the father he already was. And therein lies the inspiration I draw from him this Father’s day – that each day, for my wife and our children, I will become more the person I ought to be than the one that I am today. If so, they might get to catch some of their grandfather’s leadership from me. #fathersday #donkeydad #leadership