Badgwendel's Blog, page 9

Edith & Mr Bear

***Don’t be scared…okay…it’s The Lonely Doll, so BE SCARED May 2011 post backlog***

It’s The Lonely Doll Time!

Or as Blacklight calls it “Creepy Doll and The Bears Time!”.

Creepy Doll Edith and Little Bear are waiting for Mr Bear to get home from a trip.

(Blacklight: “Mr Bear? A trip where? San Francisco?”).

Mr Bear comes home with presents, GO MR BEAR GO! Little Brat Little Bear gets a sailboat. Creepy Doll Edith gets a purty long party dress! Mr Bear gets a clock

(Blacklight: “What?!?!?” Me: “C-L-O-C-K” Blacklight (disappointed): “Ohhh”).

Now will Mr Bear’s clock get busted?  Duh.  Will Creepy Doll Edith lie about breaking the clock? (It was an accident, but still!). Yup.

Creepy Doll  Edith runs away and almost decides to sneak on a ship and go away for ever and a day. Sadly she changes her mind, goes back home, confesses to Mr Bear and promises to be good.

Yeah right and Blacklight never never ever sneaks out to Dunkee Cup when I’m at work and chugs down an extra large iced coffee with a veggie flatbread sandwich. I must hallucinate the Dunkee Cup bag in the trash at least three times a week! Or I REALLY REALLY REALLY need new glasses ASAP!

There are good points about Edith & Mr Bear.

(Blacklight: “No way! Hey’s there’s a cute little kitty…awwww…kitty kitty kitty”).

If you know about Dare Wright (pick up Jean Nathan’s The Secret Life of the Lonely Doll), you’ll know she shot the bulk of the photos in her own apartment and stitched every inch of Edith’s clothes herself. Dare also has a certain way with light, shadows and scale that make Edith seem almost human in some shots.

(Blacklight (rocking back and forth): “Creepy Doll! Creepy Doll!”).

All in all, Edith learns a lesson, there IS a cute little kitty and I can tell myself “Edith and the Bears are probably locked in a box somewhere right?”.

Filed under: Blacklight, book review, Books That Haunt You, creepy, Dare Wright, Edith, Edith & Mr Bear, kids classics, Little Bear, Mr Bear, The Lonely Doll, The Secret Life of The Lonely Doll

The Lonely Doll

***The Lonely May 2011 blog posts backlog***

Blacklight (peering over my shoulder): “Why can you see that doll’s underwear? Is it that some kind of thing?”

Me: “Go away reading”

Blacklight: “And why are you reading a kid’s book? Aren’t you like mumblemumblethirtysomethingmumblemumble?”

Me: “Go AWAY”

Ah, the joys of trying to read something for your literary blog when your husband is bored of playing Orbiter.

But he did have a point. What is exactly is up with all the panty shots in The Lonely Doll?  I know darn well thanks to Jean Nathan’s The Secret Life of The Lonely Doll, that the author Dare Wright could sew anything, so why make Edith the Lonely Doll’s dress so damn short?

I don’t want to see panties.

If I did want to see panties I have a WHOLE DAMNABLE DRAWER OF THEM!

Okay, rant done.

The Lonely Doll, aka Edith aka The Creepy Doll (TM Blacklight) lives all by herself in a glam apartment. Sounds good to me!

But Edith wants friends. One day two bears show up and tell her they are there to be her friends. Edith is all “YIPPEE”. I’m all “okay????”. Everything is all jolly and wonderful until one day when Mr Bear (the bigger bear, he’s basically the Dad) leaves Edith and Little Brat Little Bear alone. They find a dressing room of glamorous things and try them on. Then Mr Bear comes home, finds the mess and spanks the snot out of them.

Lessons are learned. I think Dare Wright has lifetime subscriptions. Blacklight thinks Edith is EVILZ.

And both of us want to stick Little Brat Little Bear in closet, lock it and through away the key.Small children might see The Lonely Doll differently but I’m not about to track it down and buy it for the little nieces.

Filed under: Blacklight, book review, Books That Haunt You, creepy, Dare Wright, Edith, Jean Nathan, The Lonely Doll, The Secret Life of The Lonely Doll

A Gift from The Lonely Doll

***And you thought the Eloise series was….INTERESTING….behold…THE LONELY DOLL May 2011 backlog posts!***

Another Lonely Doll book!

Another bazillion dead brain cells!

It’s Christmas time!

And just how do Lonely Dolls and Bears who appear to live in a luxury apartment in New York City celebrate Christmas?

Why they go out to the country!

To visit Mr Bear’s cousins!

(Blacklight: “Sure….Mr Bear’s cousins…”)

But Edith wants to make sure Mr Bear has a very special Christmas! So she decides to make a present! She’s going to knit Mr Bear a scarf!

Cue Blacklight and Little Brat Little Bear “sure….”.

So Edith knits and knits and knits. She even smuggles the scarf to THE COUNTRY and knits some more. And what does Mr Bear open on Christmas Day? The world’s biggest striped scarf! Little Brat Little Bear is quick to point out the flaws in the scarf (too long, holes, dropped stitches).

Edith cries. I would have wrapped Little Bear up in the scarf, poured a pot of honey on him and left him in the woods. Edith is the nicer person. Edith also gets a brilliant idea (no, NOT THE HONEY ONE).

By story’s end all three Big Bears (cue Blacklight cackling madly) are wearing a scarf each…AWWWWWWW….and Little Bear lives another day (DANG IT!).

If I was stuck in an elevator with only one kiddie Christmas book to read and the choices where A Gift from The Lonely Doll  or Eloise at Christmastime, I’ll take the Lonely Doll. The elevator shafts are well too maintained at The Plaza to realize my Christmas miracle wish of Eloise in free fall.

And I can always dream of Little Bear getting lost in the woods…

Filed under: A Gift From The Lonely Doll, Blacklight, Books That Haunt You, Books That Suck, c-i-l-l me now!, Can You Tell I Hate This Book?, Dare Wright, Edith, Eloise, Gwen is a Bitch, Sucks So Hard, The Country, The Lonely Doll

Eloise at Christmastime

***Holiday Horrors…another May 2011 Eloise series backlog post…READ THIS…IF YOU DARE!***

Who would think a children’s book (I know, I know, Kay Thompson never considered Eloise a children’s book but can you find it in the adult section? NO!) would send me into a screaming rage full of burning questions?

Just who in the name of all that is good and holy are Eloise’s parents canoodling with for management to allow this little monster thing from the depths of hell to stay at their hotel? Don’t other guests complain? Does Eloise’s mother have pictures of herself, the owner of The Plaza and a farm animal?

Because trust me, Eloise is a total brat from hell. Imagine the sheer torture of working there as some little monster races through? Having to smile and be all “oh that’s just Eloise” because you need the job THAT BADLY?

Blacklight: “Honey, aren’t you reading this book a little too deeply?”

Okay, okay, okay. Bottle the rage. Bottle it bottle it bottle it.

It’s Christmas time and Eloise is scampering dampering around The Plaza spreading pure evil Christmas Cheer a la Eloise! There’s presents for everyone! (Golly! No Eloise goes to boarding school until she’s 21? Because THAT WOULD THE MOST AWESOME PRESENT EVER).

Scamper Damper Eloise, Scamper Damper.

Do you have some Advil for me?

No?

FROSTED POP TART!

Eloise’s mother has the sense of mind to be far far far away from The Plaza. Smart woman! Then again she did spawn Eloise. Why? Deal with the devil for her teeny-tiny feet and charge accounts? Hmmm…is Eloise a Meal Ticket baby…okay THINKING WAY TOO HARD AGAIN!

Scamper Damper Eloise.

GET TIPPY NANNIE!

GET TIPPY EVERYONE!

Cue Blacklight pouring tequila shots for EVERYONE!

Filed under: Blacklight, book review, Books That Suck, c-i-l-l me now!, cozy cute, Crap on A Stick, creepy, Eloise, Eloise At Christmastime, emotional scar, Gwen is a Bitch, Kay Thompson, The Plaza

Eloise In Paris

***You can’t escape it…May 2011 Eloise series backlog post…not even hanging with the Big C in R’lyeh**

Things must be getting hot at The Plaza because everyone’s favorite hell child thing that should not exist in a world hotel dweller Eloise is on her way to Paris!

Or Kay Thompson wanted a reason to write off a trip to Europe.

Or someone had worse pictures than Eloise’s mother, the owner of The Plaza and a farm animal.

Whatever the reason, that happy sigh you heard is everyone at The Plaza knowing they can breathe free, have no guest complaints about a certain so called six year old thing that pretends to be human. The horrid wail you hear is everyone in Paris, me and Blacklight because he is trapped in the apartment by a monster cold while I write this.

Blacklight has second hand Eloise damage. Can we file a lawsuit against the estate of Kay Thompson?

No?

DAMNNNNNNN!!!!

So off to Paris go Eloise, her animals and Nannie. But darn it! They’ve just missed Eloise’s mother.

Am beginning to think Eloise’s mother is a mastermind of pure evil so tricksy that Machiavelli and Lord Vetinari take notes. Instead of the long suffering Plaza Hotel, the Relais Bisson (a real place) becomes the home base of the Eloise party.

And then the name dropping begins in earnest.

Git paid Kay Thompson Git paid!

Very few culture spots in Paris are lucky enough to evade Eloise. Even the House of Dior doesn’t manage that! And they’re the ones who popularized the New Look and the Sack dress!

One of the Dior vendeuses is all “merci NON!” and thisclose to doing a Teen Baby eyeroll at the thought of turning hellchild Eloise into a Dior clad little lady. I love that Dior vendeuse so hard and so bad.

Ain’t gonna happen, so just bill (Eloise: CHARGE IT DUMMY! CHARRRRGE IT!) Mama Eloise and git paid.

But eventually the citizens of Paris must rebel or an act of government is passed because our demon seed Eloise returns to America and her beloved Plaza Hotel (still not connecting with the clever as Mr Fox Mama Eloise).

I wonder if you wander The Plaza today, do the ghosts of the depressed and tormented Plaza staff of yore from Eloise’s reign of terror still haunt the hallowed halls?

Filed under: book review, Books That Suck, c-i-l-l me now!, cozy cute, Crap on A Stick, creepy, culture clash, Eloise, Eloise In Paris, Gwen is a Bitch, Kay Thompson, kids classics

Eloise In Moscow

***Another horror from the May 2011 Eloise draft vaults…READ THIS…IF YOU DARE!***

You have to hand it to Mama Eloise.

Somehow she manages to send her demon spawn daughter to Moscow without a second thought. Heck, Eloise’s grandmother even ships a big old limousine to Moscow for Eloise’s stay. Of course when our precious tot (can’t believe I typed THAT without breaking into gales of laughter) arrives, Mama Eloise is elsewhere.

As I’ve said before, clever bish that Mama Eloise.

Perhaps Mama Eloise is hoping her tiny tot will be sent to a gulag. Eloise and Nannie and stupid dog (can’t remember name, don’t feel like looking it up, don’t EVEN WANT to open that book again EVER!), roam about Moscow, see the sights, annoying their spy/guide and causing the usual Eloise mischief. There’s some spy sub-plotline but seriously if ELOISE DOES NOT GET SENT TO A GULAG WHO CARES!?!?!?!

And so help me Deity of Your Choice…there’s one more Eloise book!

Heavens have mercy on me!

Filed under: Blast From The Past, book review, Books That Suck, c-i-l-l me now!, cozy cute, Crap on A Stick, creepy, Eloise, Eloise In Moscow, Gwen is a Bitch, Kay Thompson

Eloise Takes A Bawth

***The horror and the terror that is…an Eloise May 2011 backlog post…read if you DARE!***

Want to see Blacklight run faster than a cheetah or jaguar or gazelle?

Try screaming “Oh…please FOR ALL THAT IS GOOD AND HOLY HOLD HER DOWN! DO IT DO IT DO IT! You’ll get off with JUSTIFIED HOMICIDE! You’ll get a medal from the Mayor!”

Some books are just so awful you have to wait until the author dies and their estate decides to cash in go into the archives/trunks for the unpublished crap/things that should never see the light of day goodies to please the rabid fandom. I know of what I speak, remember I am a Lovecraft fan girl. I’ve read The Mound for heaven’s sake. AND Medusa’s Coil (hold me!).

For the Eloise fandom, the elusive unpublished manuscript was Eloise Takes A Bawth or as it’s become known in Casa Mr and Mrs Blacklight as The Estate of Kay Thompson Grape Sodas Your Wallet and Memories AND I Mean Grape Sodas It HARD!!!!

Nannie has decreed Eloise has to take a bath because the manager of The Plaza is coming to tea. I refuse to type BAWTH any more than absolutely necessary. Eloise scamper dampers off to the bathroom. If Nannie was a decent person she would creep into that BAWTHROOM and HOLD ELOISE DOWN IN THE BAWTH. But that would be a very very short book. Heck, not even a book, a mere flyer.

Meanwhile the manager is freaking out over a Venetian ball and there are horrible leaks everywhere. Management freaks. Guests freak. Well, all the guests except one certain hell spawn guest whose busy flooding her bathroom while having wonderful adventures. Sadly ONCE AGAIN, Nannie does not take this golden opportunity to rid the world of Eloise. Think about it. It would be so simple. She stepped away for the tiniest minute and the child just drowned. Stupid stupid stupid Nannie. Think of the payoff you could have gotten from Mama Eloise…

Delightful phantasies (the ones with a PH are the best!) aside, things aren’t looking good for The Plaza. Nannie opens the bathroom door (finally! Do it Nannie DO IT!) and out comes Eloise and a tidal wave that knocks Nannie over. The Manager HAS HAD IT! He is MAD!

Might Eloise be facing her final moments!???!??! (oh please oh please oh please).

NO!

Eloise flooding the hotel has made the Venetian Ball BEYOND AWESOME SAUCE! And the little bish has the nerve to tell the Manager to charge the damages to her account.

Golly, I hope Eloise’s daddy or stepdaddy or who ever is responsible for half her DNA is rich because The Manager is saying there’s five million dollars in damage. To my eyes, either Serve Pro or who ever those damage repair specialists are will make a mint or Te Plaza is a tear down.

Either way. ELOISE NEEDS TO PAY. IN BLOOD!

And if the merciful heavens are kind, the estate of Kay Thompson doesn’t have another abomination  unpublished manuscript in their hands. I don’t think my nerves (and Blacklight’s) can take another Eloise adventure…

Filed under: book review, Books That Suck, cozy cute, Crap on A Stick, Eloise, Eloise Takes A Bawth, Git Paid Estate of Git Paid, Gwen is a Bitch, I Said It, Kay Thompson, Sucks So Hard, Waste of Time, Why Why Why Why

The Zombie Autopsies

If you're on the third floor of Company X's F-ton location and wandering down the aisles, the dark haired chick with the scuffed rectangular glasses in the white oxford with a certain stuffed green monster at her desk and glaring at her dual monitors with a hot pink iPhone 3GS jammed into ears is me. Okay, maybe I'm not exactly glaring at the dual monitors (see scuffed glasses reference, Blacklight is an expensive spouse) but there are iPhone headphones jammed in my ears from the second the clock hits 7am until snack time. And what am I listening to so intently as I process away? HPPodcraft, Stuff You Should Know, Pop Culture Happy Hour, Skeptoid and Monster Talk. And thanks to my podcast habit, I have a huge list of Stuff I Want If I Ever Had Money. Hey…that iPhone? It's a refurbished/reconditioned 3GS with the cheapest plan known to man, ATT and Company X. And remember those scuffed glasses?

So thank heavens for the Connecticut Public Library system. Because this afternoon while taking some Me Time at the Noah Webster/West Hartford Public Library, I saw IT, the book that had been calling my name, nay, screaming my name at the Blue Back Square Barnes & Noble. Curse Barnes & Noble and curse the good people at Monster Talk and curse Steven C. Schlozman because there was The Zombie Autopsies just sitting there on the shelf in Science Fiction, all "you know you want me. Who needs to pick up boring old lactose free milk and get quarters for laundry?". Let me tell you it took all my strength to walk away from the book shelf and march out the door and over to the library. Because come on! George Romero wants to do The Zombie Autopsies. GEORGE FREAKING ROMERO!

So I was in the new fiction section of the library. And what did my tiny little hazel eyes see? And what did my little undead paws snatch off the shelf like there were slavering hordes right behind trying to reach the same book? The Zombie Autopsies of course! (You know…the book I'm writing the blog post about?)

Do I even need to say the second the milk was shoved into the fridge and comfy clothes were on, The Zombie Autopsies joined me on Mr Couch for a hot date? And the second I put the finished book down I was reaching for Mr iPhone to tweet how awesome sauce The Zombie Autopsies was?

Here's the basic plot, it's 2013, a zombie virus known as Ataxic Neurodegenerative Satiety Deficiency Syndrome (ANSD) has unleashed havoc on the world. Billions are dead, non-infected humanity lives in underground bunkers and an island laboratory might be the one thing that can possibly unlock the secrets of ANSD.

Sounds awesome right? Then again in the wrong hands the above plot could go horribly disaster zone coughcoughdeankoontzcoughcough wrong. Right now Dean Koontz is tearing out his hair plugs and stomping his feet. Calm the bleep down Dean! I read and actually thought Funhouse was a hoot. And your literary biography is great. I just don't think your take on the basic The Zombie Autopsies plot would be very good. And don't go strutting around too cocky Mr King, Cell wasn't very good either. Many an eyeroll betwixt the first and final pages.

Part of what makes The Zombie Autopsies so good is that Steven C. Schlozman is a doctor. A doctor that has the rare of gift of making the tricky science bits seem so basic and easy that even my stuffed dragon baby Bob could understand them. (Bob: "I smart! I not dumb! I real!") And like Michael Crichton, Schlozman has the knack of making you believe as you sit on your couch "yeah I can totally see this being true and going down".

If I had to break down The Zombie Autopsies for a Hollywood pitch it would be "okay imagine Max Brooks' Zombie Survival Guide had a baby with Michael Crichton and Margaret Atwood's Haidmaid's Tale now where's my $30 million?"

So if Shaun of the Dead and The Zombie Survival Guide are in your favorites, scamper down to the library or Barnes & Noble and splash out the $20 for The Zombie Autopsies. Me? I'm off to fill my weekly intralibrary loan request with all zombie things starting with World War Z!

Filed under: awesome sauce, Barnes & Noble, bookstore, HPPodcraft, library, Library Raid, Michael Crichton, Monster Talk, Steven C Schlozman, The Zombie Autopsies

Whiter Shades of Pale

Even though I coordinate the hot pink cover on Mr iPhone to the pink trim on my new Lands' End tote with my initials in matching pink to a pink and green Lilly cotton scarf and pair THAT with slim gray pants, black ballet flats, white blouse and pink sweater tied around my shoulders, I know I come from THE WRONG KIND OF WHITE PEOPLE. Oh, calm down NASCAR and Toby Keith loving bio relatives! I know we're not straight out of  The Wild and Wonderful Whites of West Virginia! But we're certainly not the demographic who pick up Whiter Shades of Pale, flick through the chapters and nod sagely, let alone pick up a quick nibble from Whole Foods and wear NPR gear head to toe! And remember I'm the family member with the massive crush on NPR Music's Stephen Thompson!

So what is Whiter Shades of Pale? Well, according to author Christian Lander, it's things white (the right kind of white that is) like. Funny or Ironic tattoos. Me: Nope. Trivia. Me: Yes. Sea Salt. Me: Yes if it's at a restaurant, I'm not paying $7-25 for a frosted pop tart jar of salt! Trader's Joe. Me: It depends, kinda crunchy. Appearing to enjoy classical music. Me: frosted pop tart you, I like classical music and listen to it at work, just ask my former Barnes & Noble coworkers!. Camping. Me: ARE YOU HIGH? I HATE OUTSIDE! (bonus points if you got the Logan's Run reference). Small batch soda. Me: rip my Diet Canada Dry out of my undead paws. American Apparel, Hummus, My So-Called Life, Mad Men, Alternative Newspapers, Ugly Sweater Parties, Bumper Stickers, Monty Python, Improv….Me: BLANKET NO!

Let's face it. Whiter Shades of Pale is your book if you love the IFC series Portlandia or read The Hipster Handbook to death. Got Judge John Hodgman on your iPod? (Dear Family, that was the fat dorky guy in the Mac & Windows commercials, cue Blacklight and Clan Gwendy going "ohhh him" and heading out to Dunkee Cup for an extra-large hot coffee and a double choccy donut) If this sounds like you, I bet you already own Whiter Shades of Pale. If you're more like me, Judge John Hodgman almost caused you to have a 'sode at work, you can go into Whole Foods and spend less than $10, Starbucks is a for special treat, then either read Whiter Shades of Pale in one of those nice comfy chairs at Barnes & Noble or go to the posh town's library and check it out. You're using the library system (very very very good) AND saving yourself $15.00! I get Whiter Shades of Pale is suppose to be quirky and ironic and meta and all that stuff but it's not a book for me. If it's your thing, more power to ya!

Filed under: bitch be crazy, book review, culture clash, I Am NOT A Hipster

Eloise

Every ten years or so, like bouts of malaria, Kay Thompson's demon spawn from the inner bowels of hell alter-ego Eloise resurfaces in my life. Heck, I can still remember the unholy fuss the Today show made over the 40th anniversary. And don't get me started on dropping several copies of Eloise: The Ultimate Edition  (collection of the four original Eloise books) on my foot, my frosted pop tart right baby toe is screaming in pain as I type and that WAS ALMOST TEN YEARS AGO! The latest run in with the undead little demon parading in human form Eloise was almost stepping on Sam Irvin's Kay Thompson biography at the Book Barn Downtown and a few days later coming across original editions of some of the later works at the N-w B-t-n library. So I figured it was time to welcome Satan's love child the little angel back into my life. I should have listened to my poor right foot that went totally numb when I touched Eloise in Paris. But sadly, I didn't.

For those lucky souls (Blacklight) who haven't meet THE MOST FAMOUS RESIDENT OF THE PLAZA HOTEL EVER (the Dadster, sibling Tichy), the most evil creature on the planet ever and that means more evil than Justin Beiber Eloise is a lively six year old who lives in New York City's world famous The Plaza Hotel with her doting Nannie. Nannie is English and likes to drink and order from Room Service. Nannie must get paid a fair whack from Mama Eloise because honestly would YOU want to be responsible for this child? Eloise, whose mother must have pictures of The Plaza's owner with an eight ball, an underage donkey and a chainsaw, has free run of the hotel. She commandeers the elevator, she scamper dampers here, there and EVERYWHERE. She scribbles on walls, peeks her nose into places she has no business…hello The Venetian Room is FOR GROWNUPS ONLY YOU LITTLE BISH! Yet somehow there are other guests who stay at The Plaza. I think the manager must drink heavily. Either that or Mama Eloise has pictures of him with that underage donkey too!

Now "Gwen stop being a bitch" you might say. Or "Eloise is just the most wonderful child ever, so free and creative". Or "The Poor Little Thing Is Just Acting Out Because Her Parents Abandoned Her". Interesting points. You know what? I was a creative little monster who got spanked when she colored Barbie's hair with magic markers and food dye. And cross dressed Ken and GI Joe. And yup, we never do see the two unholy creatures each responsible for half Eloise's DNA. We never hear about Eloise's father. And Mama Eloise is always far far far far away. But can't Nannie discipline the little monster? Come on Nannie DO IT DO IT DO IT!

Eloise almost ten years after I spent several weeks flinching every time I had to stock the picture book section has the same effect on me. Pain…oh the pain.  I can't WAIT to return this particular book to the library! Uncombed hair and unbrushed teeth be damned!

Filed under: bitch be crazy, Blast From The Past, book review, c-i-l-l me now!, Can You Tell I Hate This Book?, Crap on A Stick, creepy, Eloise, Eloise At Christmastime, Eloise In Moscow, Eloise In Paris, Eloise Takes A Bawth, Eloise's Guide To Life, emotional scar, Give Me My Two Hours Back, Gwen is a Bitch, Kay Thompson