Rachel Held Evans's Blog, page 51

'Torn,' Chapters 1-5– What happens when 'God Boy' is Gay

Today we begin a three-week discussion around Justin Lee’s
fantastic book, Torn: Rescuing the Gospel from the Gays-vs.-Christians Debate
as part of our series We’ll talk about Chapters 1-5 this week, Chapters 6-10
next week, and Chapters 11-15 the following week.

As I said in my endorsement of the book and in my review, I
cannot recommend Torn highly enough. It’s the only book about homosexuality and the Church that I
feel comfortable recommending to everyone—from my gay friends to my parents.
 The minute I finished, I turned to Dan, tears streaming down my face, and
said, “This one is a game-changer.” Dan too finished it in a matter of
days.

Full
disclosure: I know Justin and consider him a friend. In fact, we recently
bumped into one another, quite by surprise, when we were both in Nashville for
an interview for a TV station. I convinced him to pose for a picture in front
of a stuffed turkey they had on another set because, you know, that’s what friends
do when there is a large stuffed turkey in the room. Justin was also our guest for “Ask a Gay Christian…”, one of our most
popular interviews ever. I respect and admire this guy a lot.

I
know many of you have read Torn as well. So let’s talk about it…Chapter
1 – Battle of the CenturyJustin
begins with a frank discussion on what’s at stake in this discussion. He
explains how the culture war between gays and Christians leaves people like
him, a gay Christian, caught in the crossfire. He cites a 2007 study by the
Barna group in which 16- to 29-year-olds were asked to choose words or phrases
to describe present-day Christianity. Out of all the responses—good and bad—the
most popular choice was “anti-homosexual.” Not only did 91 percent of the
non-Christians describe the Church this way, but 80 percent of young
churchgoers did as well! “Today’s
young people have gay friends whom they love,” he says. “If they view the
church as an unsafe place for them, a place more focused on politics than on
people, we just might be raising the most anti-Christian generation America has
ever seen, a generation that believes they have to choose between being loving
and being Christian.” Furthermore,
this culture war has presented people like Justin, and people like Cindy—a mom
who contacted Justin in a panic after learning her son was gay, knowing that
her church was the last place she could turn if she wanted her son to feel
loved and supported—with a dangerous false dichotomy: It’s gays vs. Christians.
We all have to choose whose “side” we are on. Chapter
2 – God BoyJustin
grew up in the evangelical church, was raised by loving and involved parents,
and became known to his public school classmates in high school as “God Boy.” He
was a straight-A student, active in youth group, trustworthy and friendly. “I
was a committed Christian, and everybody knew it,” he says. “If I didn’t have a
Bible in a my backpack, I at least had a church bulletin and some tracts about
salvation. I was ready to witness to anybody, anywhere, at the drop of a hat.
More than anything in the world, I wanted to represent my God well, and I
prayed every day for the wisdom and opportunity to do so. I was confident in my
knowledge of my faith and always eager to explain some minor point of theology
to my friends and classmates.” (p. 13)Justin
was also convinced that homosexuality was a sin. “That
didn’t mean that God hated gay people,” he says. “On the contrary, I was sure
that God loved them! I was also sure, however, that God didn’t want them to be
gay.” Chapter 3 – The StruggleBut God Boy had a secret. “It was, I thought, the worst secret in the world,” writes
Justin. “It was the deepest, darkest secret I could ever imagine having, one
that I could never tell anyone, not even my parents or best friends. It was the
secret I would take with me to my grave.” Justin was attracted to other guys. While his friends noticed and talked about girls, Justin was
sexually drawn to men.  He tried to fit
in by dating girls. He prayed his attractions were part of some kind of sexual
confusion James Dobson said might happen during puberty. He begged God to take
his “affliction” away. He hated himself. “Night after night, I cried myself to sleep begging and
pleading with God to take away my sexual attractions to other guys,” he writes.
When Justin befriended a guy who identified as bisexual,
Justin hoped that maybe he had found a word to describe himself: bisexual,
attracted to both men and women. “Finally having a ‘diagnoses,’ I felt hopeful
about my sexuality for the first time,” he said. “There was only one problem with this. The word ‘bisexual’
refers to people who are more or less equally attracted to males and females.
The truth was that I wasn’t equally attracted to makes and females. Even though
I was dating a girl and wanted desperately to be attracted to her, I had sill
never experienced even a moment of attraction for a woman, ever, in my life.
All my attractions were for other guys.” (p. 26) While Justin’s friend had made peace with his sexuality,
Justin wept because “unlike him, I had to be rid of these feelings. My faith
required it.” Or so he thought. Chapter 4 – The Truth Comes OutChapter 4 describes Justin’s painful process of telling the
truth to his family and friends. During this time, Justin also confronted the
fact that he wasn’t bisexual; he was gay.

“As strange as it may seem, in all the years I had struggled
with my sexuality, the idea that I could be gay had simply never crossed my
mind,” Justin recalls. “Suddenly, it seemed that every guy I knew was talking
nonstop about hot girls, with me only pretending to agree. ‘Fag’ and ‘gay’ had
become ubiquitous insults overnight; I was sure they hadn’t been before. Every
TV show featured punch lines about a straight guy being mistaken for gay,
resulting in raucous laughter from the audience. Every sermon at church was
either about the goodness of marriage or the sinfulness of homosexuality.
Though none of them knew it, they were talking about me. Laughing at me.
Condemning me.” (p. 32-33)Justin’s friends reacted in a variety of ways—from support,
to bewilderment, to suggesting he may be able to make peace between his
sexuality and his faith and pursue relationships with other men, to handing him
porn in hopes it would help make him straight. Justin found several Web sites for organizations promising
“freedom from homosexuality.” Some of these Web sites even included testimonies
from people who had lived gay lives in the past but said they had overcome
their homosexuality through Jesus, gotten married, and started families. Justin
became convinced that this was what he needed: deliverance. “Whatever might
have gone wrong to make this happen, I knew God had the power to fix it. To fix
me. I just needed willingness and faith.” Justin’s Sunday school teacher connected him with Rick, and
assistant pastor at Justin’s church who introduced him to a group called
Homosexuals Anonymous. At Justin’s first meeting, he listened as a small group of
middle-aged men shared their theories as to why they had gay feelings, “mostly
connected to faulty upbringings and other childhood traumas I couldn’t relate
to,” says Justin. Then they shared their latest progress in “trying to become
straight.” One man with a wedding ring on his finger shared the
exciting news that, while on vacation at the beach with his family, he noticed
a woman in a small bikini. The group erupted into cheers and congratulations,
but Justin felt horrified. “Was this my destiny?” he wondered. “Was I going to
end up someday in a room like this one, middle-aged, married to a woman I
wasn’t attracted to, trying to act the part as well as possible for my wife and
kids, and getting excited because after years of therapy, one day I noticed one
woman walking by me in a bikini on a beach, for a few seconds?” The moment marked a low point in Justin’s journey.  Justin went back to his pastor who helped arrange a meeting
with Justin’s parents; it was time to tell them. Anyone who is gay or loves
someone who is gay really must read for themselves the story of Justin’s coming
out to his parents. I am so grateful for Justin’s willingness to share this
part of his journey with such honesty and vulnerability. This was no easy thing
for Justin to do; it took a lot of guts. Justin’s parents reacted with unconditional love…but also
with surprise and feelings of guilt. Justin acknowledges that not everyone is as fortunate as he
was to have parents who reacted first with love. “Some parents have kicked
their kids out, disowned them, and written them out of their wills. Some have
even told their kids they wished they were dead. Imagine hearing that from your
own mother and father!”For Parents...With this in mind, Justin lists five things Christian parents
often say upon learning that their child is gay, and why they don’t help:  1. “Don’t tell anyone” – Even Justin’s parents urged him to
keep his attraction to other men a secret. But Justin explains that this is
unhealthy, and places terrible burdens of shame and guilt on a child. “Gay kids
are already at increased risk for depression and suicide, and adding to their
feelings of isolation by asking them not to talk about what they going through
only makes matters worse.” Furthermore, in a day and age when talking about
sexuality among one’s peers is the norm, asking a child to cover up his sexual orientation
may mean asking him to outright lie to his friends and family. 2. “You’re not like those people” – For many parents, the
only thing they know about homosexuality is what they know from gay pride
parades or stories of lewd, immoral behavior. So when Justin’s dad learned his
son was gay, he responded in shock, saying “but you’re not like those people!”
Justin reminds readers that just as straight people can have very different
lifestyles (Kim Kardashian, for example, has a different lifestyle than, say,
Hillary Clinton or Lynne Hybels), so can gay people. There is no single “gay
lifestyle.” Explains Justin, “When parents tell their kids that they must not
be gay because they’re not like the negative images in their parents’ heads, it
doesn’t change their kids’ understanding of themselves as gay. Instead, it
convinces the kids that their parents now associate those negative images with
them, and the only way they can avoid that association is to pretend not to
feel what they feel.” (p. 48) 3. “How could you hurt us like this?” When a child works up
the courage and trust to tell his parents he is gay, it is important for
parents not to respond defensively. “Resist the temptation to make it about
you,” advises Justin. “Focus on being there for your child.” 4. “What did we do wrong?” Sadly, many Christian parents
have been told wrongly that homosexuality is caused by poor parent-child
relationships. This is a pervasive myth and destructive myth within the
evangelical Christian subculture that we will address more directly in next
week’s discussion. But as Justin puts it: “I had a strong, warm relationship
with both of my parents, felt fully and completely loved, was given healthy
amounts of discipline and independence, and everything else I’ve heard
recommended for parents. If I turned out gay, any kid can turn out gay.” 5. “This is the devil’s way of trying to stop you from doing
what God wants.” Justin encourages Christian parents not to jump to any
conclusions about how God will use a situation like this in their child’s life.
“Denying it won’t make it go away, but if we respond as Christians, with open
hearts to what God will do, we can be surprised what happens.” Next week we will continue our discussion as Justin shares
his experiences with an “ex-gay” ministrySome Reflections:I think Justin’s story speaks for itself, but a few things
resonate. The first is how similar our backgrounds are. I too was
raised by loving, wise, and involved parents. I too was active in church. I too
grew up assuming that homosexuality was a sin. In fact, I was even known as
“Bible Girl” at my public high school! But I’m straight, attracted to men. And so I avoided the
sort of internal turmoil that Justin faced when it came to his sexuality.
(Well, even us “good Christian girls” had our own kind of internal turmoil when
it came to sexuality, but that’s a topic for another day!)  My point is that Justin’s story is a reminder
to me that LGBT folks are not “out there” but “in here.” They are our friends,
our neighbors, our siblings, our family members, our fellow church members.
Justin’s attraction to men did not emerge out of some strange, deviant culture,
far removed from my own; it emerged out of a culture and background exactly
like mine! As he said himself, if Justin can be gay, anyone can be gay. I’m
convinced that he didn’t choose to be attracted to the same gender any more
than I chose to be attracted to a different gender. Next week, we will discuss
this a bit more in depth as Justin asks the question “Why are people gay?” My second observation is simply that, in light of the fact
that the “gay community” is not separate from the “Christian community” and
that there are many like Justin who identify as both Christian and gay, we have
to move past the culture war mentality that pits these two groups against one
another. It leaves people like Justin and his parents in impossible situations,
situations that have resulted in heartbreak, destroyed families, and far too
many suicides. This is why we are embarking on this series, and it’s why I
am so grateful for Justin’s willingness to share his story with honesty and
grace. ***Some questions for discussion: 1.)  Are
there people in your life who are gay? How did you respond when you found out? What
is life like for them? 2) What parts of Justin’s story do you relate to? What parts
have stuck out to you – as sad, hopeful, encouraging, or strange? 3) For LGBT folks: What else would you like us to know about
how NOT to respond when you tell us you are gay?I’ll be monitoring the comment section closely to ensure
that it remains as safe a place as possible to discuss this sensitive topic.

Sunday Superlatives 1/13/13

Prayer for the Day: “Father in heaven, who at the baptism of Jesus in the River Jordan proclaimed him your beloved Son and anointed him with the Holy Spirit: Grant that all who are baptized into his Name may keep the covenant they have made, and boldly confess him as Lord and Savior; who with you and the Holy Spirit lives and reigns, one God, in glory everlasting. Amen”

Around the Blogosphere…

Best Video: 
Invisible Driver Prank

Best Response: 
White House Rejects Death Star Petition

“Why would we spend countless taxpayer dollars on a Death Star with a fundamental flaw that can be exploited by a one-man starship?”

Best Advice:
Stefanie Thomas at She Loves with “How to Find Purpose? Sink into the Questions.”

“I know from experience that being in the questions can be uncomfortable. The not knowing can be painful. It’s common for that old gremlin fear to set up shop in our minds, tossing “what ifs” our way at a fast and furious pace: What if we pick the wrong thing? What if we try and fail? What if we never amount to anything? But as uncomfortable as the not knowing may be, there is value in the searching.”

Best Conversation-Starter: 
Doug Muder with “The Distress of the Privileged” 

“Ultimately, the privileged need to be won over. Their sense of justice needs to be engaged rather than beaten down. The ones who still want to be good people need to be offered hope that such an outcome is possible in this new world.”

Best Contribution to Said Conversation: 
Kristen Rosser with “Abraham, Revisionism, and Privilege” 

“I used to be part of the Christian Right.  Many of my friends and fellow-church members still are.  And they are good people who believe in love-your-neighbor, and who do have valid things to say to and about the American political process. I don't think the answer is to shame them or treat them as the enemy, which they certainly are not.  These are people who help me when I'm in distress, who hug me when we meet, who laugh and cry and pray with me.  The answer is to do unto them as I would want done unto me-- to listen, to hear their real distress, and then to appeal to their sense of justice and their principles of Christian love."

[You subscribe to Kristen’s blog, right? If you don’t, you should.]

Best Analysis:
Dianna Anderson with “John Piper, Spousal Abuse and Empowerment” 

“Piper’s theology here still centers the abuser. A woman must merely transfer her obedience to a separate authority – on a temporary basis – in the hopes that her abuser will see the light. But that simply opens the door for abusers to revictimize, as abusers are quite savvy at making it look like they’ve changed while still engaging in abusive behavior.” 

Most Powerful:
Sohaila Abdulali at The New York Times with "I Was Wounded; My Honor Wasn’t"

“Rape is horrible. But it is not horrible for all the reasons that have been drilled into the heads of Indian women. It is horrible because you are violated, you are scared, someone else takes control of your body and hurts you in the most intimate way. It is not horrible because you lose your “virtue.” It is not horrible because your father and your brother are dishonored. I reject the notion that my virtue is located in my vagina, just as I reject the notion that men’s brains are in their genitals.”

Most Informative: 
Scot McKnight (summarizing Edward Fudge) with "What did Jesus teach about hell?"

“The issue is if ‘destroy’ means ‘destroy’ or ‘preserve forever in a destroying state.’  Fudge thinks traditionalists ruin the meanings of words on this one: destroy means destroy, not preserve forever. Had he meant preserve forever he could have said it that way. He then lists eleven uses of “destroy” in the NT and shows that each means “destroy”: why not in Matt 10:28? [Matt 8:25; 12:14; 16:25; 21:41; 22:7; 26:52; 27:20; John 11:50; Acts 5:37; 1 Cor 10:9-10; Jude 5, 11.]”

Most Quotable:
Barbara Brown Taylor at Alter Video with “Speaking to the Body” 

“God cares about your nostrils” 

Most Helpful:
Elizabeth Esther with “What Not To Say to Someone Who Has Suffered Spiritual Abuse” 

 "This line of questioning seeks to cast doubt upon the victim’s credibility and motives. It also casts the perpetrator as the noble character who was 'seduced' against their will or understandably 'provoked' to violence.

Most Fun You’ll Ever Have on Amazon:
Customer Reviews of the Hutzler 571 Banana Slicer

“Once I figured out I had to peel the banana before using - it works much better. Ordering one for my nephew who's in the air force in California. He's been using an old slinky to slice his banana's. He should really enjoy this product!”

Most Likely to Induce an Involuntary “That’s What She Said!” 
National Geographic with “Biggest Thing in Universe Found—Defies Scientific Theory”

Bravest: 
Jamie Wright with “Jesus or Zoloft?” 

“And then I remembered the one thing some Christians will never admit out loud, which is that sometimes Jesus isn't all you need. Sometimes you need Zoloft.”

Boldest:
Kristen Howerton with “Dear Pastor Mark: Pontificate This” 

“ I know a lot of bloggers, and there is no way I could even begin to quantify the kind of “get stuff done” things they are behind. Make no mistake about it, BLOGGERS ARE GETTING THINGS DONE.”

Best Reminder: 
Kelley Nikondeha with “Ordinary Time”

“Now is the time to weave the truth of incarnation more tightly into the weft and warp of my ordinary life. The revolutionary message of Christ, the new king bringing a new Kingdom, must find fresh expression in my everyday. I move into the new year longing to embody His crusade into my calendar. No, I wake today and want the revolution to break into my routine. Ordinary time needs to begin in order for Christ to recalibrate my rhythm to match His cadence.” 

Best Resource:
Fuller Seminary's Burner Blog: “’What Did Jesus Do’ Symposium Videos” 

On my nightstand…

T he Prophetic Imagination, 2nd Edition by Walter Brueggemann

Chasing Silhouettes: How to help a loved one battling an eating disorder by Emily T. Wierenga 

In the Sanctuary of Women: A Companion for Reflection and Prayer by Jan L. Richardson 

Recently Watched...

“The West Wing” 
[The entire series is available on Netflix instant-play. You’re welcome.]

On the blog…

Most Popular Post:
Sexuality & The Church: Some Opening Remarks and a Prayer

Most Popular Comment:
In response to “Four Myths About Louie Giglio’s Inauguration Prayer (or lack thereof)," Gideon wrote: 

“Thanks for the words on persecution. I grew up in Northern Nigeria in a Muslim dominant city and I understand persecution. I remember when I was little, there were these religious riots that happened from time to time, and church members actually died in some of these riots. Being a Christian meant you might not progress at your workplace. It meant that you might not even get admission into the university. But most Christians I knew were fervent, the persecution made them stronger. We knew all the Scripture about suffering with Jesus by heart.

I went down to the South East (predominant Christian) region for university education and I returned a few years ago and worked in the North again for one year. I went to a church one evening for Bible Study and the discussion was on love and the response to one's persecutors. These brothers were convinced that the response was still to love those who would kill you.

I feel sad that Evangelical Christians think they are being persecuted, because they are not. I even feel sadder because their response is not love. I pray that God will continue to expand the work that Rachel, Tony Campolo and others are doing to insist on love in the Evangelical Community.” 

And don’t forget! You can find me on Facebook, follow me on Twitter, and read Evolving in Monkey Town & A Year of Biblical Womanhood. 

***

So what caught your eye online this week? What’s happening on your blog? 

Kathleen France – A Woman of Valor

By Abby
Norman

***

A wife of
noble character who can find?

You will
find her sitting at the end of the dining room table. It has been her seat
since before I was born. My mother sits in this seat in the morning, watching
the sun rise over our neighborhood, Bible open, tea to her left. Every morning
before school, I would see the evidence of her morning time with God.

 I
confess that as a child it was my father who was my spiritual hero. A criminal
defense attorney with a heart of gold and huge red letters screaming JESUS in
the store front window, my dad was an extreme Christian before Shane Claiborne
wrote a book about it. It was my mother whose decisions allowed his ministry to
survive. She modeled “missional living” before it was a term.

My mother
had dreamed of being a stay at home mom, maybe teaching a class or two at the
local college. She put that dream aside when I, her youngest, entered the first
grade. My mom believed in my dad and his ministry. She accepted a full time
teaching position at the local community college, and became the primary breadwinner
so my dad could continue to serve the people who could not provide my family
bread.This is
not the only way my mother and father partnered in ministry. My dad brought
home whoever wandered into his office, homeless men who smelled funny, women
trying to break free of pimps, men fresh out of jail with face tattoos. My
mother consistently treated these people with grace and dignity. She set an
extra seat between her young daughters, smiled warmly and passed the potatoes
first to our guest. It may have been my father who brought home these lost
lambs, but it was my mother who restored them to the fold. She restored their
humanity; affirmed their worth.In her
full time job my mom developed her own ministry. Community college students are
often just bouncing back: single-moms, or former high school drop-outs
(ink barely dry on the GED). We would often see her students out in the
community. They  worked at the pharmacy and grocery store we
frequented. “Mrs. France,” they would call, as I followed my mom up and down
the aisles. Sometimes they would smile at me, tell me how lucky they were to
know my mom, tell me how lucky I was to have her.When the
welfare act of the ‘90’s passed, I remember my mom telling me about her student
caught in the middle. This woman had been promoted and her children no longer
qualified for free healthcare. This woman had to quit her job because she was
too good at it. It wasn’t just the “welfare queens” burned by that new law. It
broke my mom’s heart and made her angry. It was one of the only times my mom
had encountered a problem she could do nothing about.My mom was almost never helpless in the face of a problem. When
she thought our education was lacking in a certain area we would suddenly being
doing the Girl Scout badge that filled that gap. (As the mother of three
girls, she always led at least two troops.) It was from Mom I learned that
the public library held the answer to any question you might have, the key to
anything you wanted to unlock. If there is a book on it, my mother can learn
it.My mother
taught me how to pour out my life before the Lord. A street lawyer and an
instructor at the community college don’t make enough to live life lavishly,
especially while clothing three teenage girls. My mother pinched pennies at the
grocery store; some weeks we were so close we had to shop with a calculator.
B ut she welcomed every friend we brought home. Even when there was just enough,
there was still enough to share. The years there were only a few presents under
the tree, we still selected a name from the tree at church, shopped and prayed
for a girl who wished for a stuffed lion. I remember my mother making sure it
was soft. My
mother’s example has made it easier for me to recognize the lies I’m told about
womanhood. Sometimes the Lord calls a woman to work outside the home, to juggle
girl-scout leading and child rearing with a career that doubles as a ministry.
God designed some women to support their family financially, to be good at
their jobs. If you are looking for a woman of valor, you can find her at the
dining room table of my youth. She will be there, every morning Bible open. To
her I say “Eshet chayil.”***

Abby works, loves and lives in the city of Atlanta. She has
two hilarious children and a husband who doubles as her biggest fan. She
teaches high school by day, mothers by night, and attempts to follow Jesus
daily. In her copious amounts of free time, Abby blogs at accidentaldevotional.wordpress.com.

This post is part of our Women of Valor series. Eshet chayil—woman of valor— has long been a blessing of praise in the Jewish community. Husbands often sing the line from Proverbs 31 to their wives at Sabbath meals. Women cheer one another on through accomplishments in homemaking, career, education, parenting, and justice by shouting a hearty “eshet chayil!” after each milestone.  Great women of the faith, like Sarah and Ruth and Deborah, are identified as women of valor.  One of my goals after completing my year of biblical womanhood was to “take back” Proverbs 31 as a blessing, not a to-do list, by identifying and celebrating women of valor. To help me in this, you submitted nearly 100 essays to our Women of Valor essay contest. There were so many essays that made me laugh, cry, and think I’ve decided that, in addition to the eight winners we featured in August, I will select several more to feature as guest posts throughout the fall. 

We have honored a single mom, a feisty professor, a midwife, a foster parent, an abuse survivor, a brave grandmother, a master seamstress, a young Ugandan woman who reached out to a sister in need, and many more. 

Read the rest of the Women of Valor series here.

Four Myths about Louie Giglio’s Inauguration Prayer (or lack thereof)

Myth #1: Louie Giglio
was banned from praying at the inauguration.

It appears that Giglio
actually withdrew his acceptance to pray the benediction, though it’s possible
the Inaugural Committee pressured him to do so. (See Giglio’s statement. See
the Inaugural Committee’s statement.) I applaud Giglio’s decision to do as much
as he could to ensure that something as sacred as a prayer did not become overly
politicized or divisive. He made grace and peace higher priorities than his own
celebrity. To me, that’s the essence of what Paul meant when he said, “As much
as it depends on you, live peaceably with all people.” 

We would do well to follow Giglio's lead in this regard and discuss this situation with civility, not making more of it than necessary. 

Myth #2 Louie Giglio’s
First Amendment Rights have been violated.

Absolutely not true.
Giglio’s freedom of speech remains preserved.  The First Amendment protects our freedom of
speech; it does not protect us from the consequences of the things we say. Louie
Giglio maintains the right to speak as freely as he likes about the
inauguration, about Jesus, about human trafficking and slavery, and about
homosexuality. He has the right to encourage his congregation to believe
certain things, to pressure lawmakers to vote in certain ways, and to publicly
protest when things don’t go his way.

But here’s the thing:
So does GLAAD. So do LGBT citizens. They too have the right to free speech, the
right to protest, the right to organize, and the right to affect change.

What happened here was
that Giglio exercised his freedom of speech many years ago with that sermon. As
a consequence, LGBT citizens and allies exercised their freedom of speech by
protesting his involvement in the inauguration. This created enough controversy
for Giglio to see the wisdom of withdrawing.

Let’s turn the tables.
What if the Inaugural Committee had—in a stroke of stupidity—invited Bill Maher
to give a “benediction” at the inauguration? And what if people of faith
protested this, saying someone like Bill Maher, who has expressed outright
hostility toward all forms of religions, should be the last person chosen to
give a benediction? And what if all this pressure and controversy led Bill
Maher to withdraw his acceptance (because you know how he hates being the
subject of controversy!)?  Would his
First Amendment rights have been violated?

Again, the First
Amendment protects our freedom of speech; it does not protect us from the
consequences of the things we say. I had a friend once who was badmouthing his
boss at work; when he got caught, he was given a warning that if it continued,
he could be fired. My friend complained to me that his freedom of speech had
been violated. I explained that while the First Amendment protected him from
being arrested by the government for calling his boss names and undermining his
boss’s authority, my friend still had to face the consequences of those words
from his private employer, which could in fact result in his termination.

Another example: When
I tweeted that none of Giglio’s civil liberties had been compromised in this
situation, a follower responded “I’m
surprised you feel this way as this situation reminds me a little of what you
went through with Lifeway.”  But there’s a big difference. As frustrated
as I was with Lifeway for not carrying my book, I
never once complained that my civil rights were being violated or that my constitutionally-protected
freedom of speech had been taken away. I understood that Lifeway, as a private
business, had every right to carry whatever books they pleased, and I knew from
the beginning that the consequence of including the word “vagina” could mean
getting banned from their stores. And thanks to freedom of speech, I can
complain about their morality standards all I like! :-) (Yay America!)

Giglio is dealing with
the consequences some things he said in a sermon many years ago. You may think
these consequences are unfair, but they are not unconstitutional.

Myth #3 Louie Giglio is an anti-gay crusader. 

Characterizing Giglio as an anti-gay crusader based on a single video from twenty years ago seems unfair, especially when he has spent so little time addressing this in his ministry. 

And this is something of
an aside, but I think it is a mistake to assume that Louie Giglio holds the
exact same views on homosexuality today as he did twenty years ago. The fact
that he has not really spoken on the subject since leaves room for the
possibility of some evolution in his thinking and approach. In his statement in
response to the inauguration flap, Giglio noted that “clearly, speaking
on this issue has not been in the range of my priorities in the past fifteen
years.”

Now I could be totally wrong on this, but I wouldn’t be the
least bit surprised if Giglio has moved away from his position (implied in the
video) that homosexuality is a “malfunction” that can be “cured” or “healed”
through “reparative therapy."  Even some of the most conservative evangelicals I
know are moving away from that way of thinking, which I believe is a very good
thing.

Sometimes I feel like LGBT rights advocates, many
of whom have been treated brutally by the Church of course, assume there is no
evolution happening within evangelicalism, when I sense that there is,
especially among my generation.  In other words, I hope this 20-year-old video will not be used as Exhibit A in discussions related to LGBT concerns and evangelicalism. We've made some progress since then, and this video is not representative of how all evangelicals think. It's certainly not representative of how I think. 

Myth #4 Evangelical
Christians are being persecuted in the United States

There are indeed
Christians being persecuted around the world. There are Christians who break the
law by gathering together for church, Christians whose family members have been
executed for their beliefs, Christians who have been imprisoned for following
Jesus, Christians who live in poverty and fear as a result of their
faithfulness.

That’s persecution.

Being wished “happy
holidays” instead of “merry Christmas” is not persecution. Being prohibited
from persecuting others (by forcing Jewish kids to pray Christian prayers in a public school, for example) is not
persecution. Not getting your way in every area of civic life is not
persecution.

And I’m pretty sure
that when the apostle Peter wrote his letter to the persecuted Church of Asia
Minor, encouraging his fellow Christians to be brave in the face of oppression
by the Roman government, he was not referring to Christians getting snubbed at
Domitian's inauguration ceremony.

We dishonor the memory
of the millions of Christians who have suffered very real persecution through
the centuries when we confuse a lack of privileged status with
persecution.  As Robert Cargill has noted: “There is a
difference between persecution and the loss of privileged status. Just because you didn’t get what you want doesn’t mean that
you are persecuted. It means you can’t have everything.”

We live in a country
in which the majority of its citizens are Christians and in which the president
himself is a Christian. Even if our influence is waning a bit, we are still the
most powerful religious group in America. We have to be careful of becoming so
entitled that we grow blind to the ways in which minorities in America—like
LGBT citizens, for example—are often treated as second-class. I find it ironic
that so many Christians are up-in-arms about being “persecuted” by the "gay
agenda" when many of our gay and lesbian neighbors are simply asking for the
same civil rights that we have.

We also have to be
careful of using the word “bully” to describe what happened with Giglio,
especially when we are dialoging with folks whose experience with “bullying”
may very well have included physical violence, decades of merciless taunts,
hateful slurs, and mistreatment at the hands of Christians.

***

Just my two…er, four…cents. What would  you add?

Ode to the Turquoise Wonder

Wreath compliments of our neighbor, John. 

You got me from A to B—
a flash of turquoise that people around town recognized as me,
drawing friendly honks, waves, and the occasional gossip when spotted at the liquor store or the Catholic Church. 
You did not lend yourself to anonymity, 
Or pride. 
“A 1994 Plymouth Acclaim,” I explained to a group of writing students who walked me through the parking lot after a lecture once. They took one look at your rusty hood and peeled paint and promptly changed their major. 
They didn’t have the guts—
these kids who were younger than you and I, 
these kids who were just babies when I inherited you from my father as something of a graduation present. 

My father called you the Easter egg car. 
My mother called you the girly car. 
My sister called you the Turquoise Wonder. 

That last one stuck. 

Sure, I apologized sometimes for your quirks— mostly for the way your automatic seatbelts sprang to life whenever the doors opened, catching people by surprise, messing up their hair,  and occasionally holding them hostage in the passenger seat—
But we took care of each other, you and I: 
Dan ensured your oil was always changed. 
We replaced your transmission. 
We put in a CD player so you could play something other than the Ace of Bace cassette tape that got stuck in your teeth sometime in the late 90s, 
and so that summer after summer, 
I could sing Alanis and Adele at the top of my lungs, 
windows down, 
fireflies hitting your face. 
No one has ever heard me sing like you’ve heard me sing. 

In turn, you let me cry into your steering wheel and junk you up with candy wrappers and pens. 
You took me safely to my first job at a daily newspaper,
to interviews on city streets and pig farms, 
to the hairdresser on my wedding day,
to my first meeting with a publisher, 
to my parents' house to cry after I was rejected by that publisher,
to my first book signing, 
to Jersey and West Virginia and Nashville and Florida on road trip after road trip, 
and safely to my driveway just seconds before your timing belt finally went out. 

“That could have been bad if it had happened out on the road,” Dan said after peering under the hood. “That was a close one.” 

You got me from A to B. 

I’d like to think we did it because we didn’t want to press our luck anymore, 
because repairs cost more than the Blue Book said you were worth, 
because you didn’t have anti-lock breaks or passenger-side airbags, 
because we really couldn’t have you breaking down on a late-night drive home from the airport or on a busy interstate, 
because of fuel economy and our deepening concern over climate change. 

But I think a small part of it was pride. 
A successful author shouldn’t have the ugliest car at Wal Mart. 
A successful author shouldn’t get stuck in a parking lot because her turn radius stinks. 
A successful author shouldn’t scare off budding talent with rust stains and old tires. 
…Right? 

So on the last day of the year we took advantage of one of those big sales and got a new car. 
“A 2012 Honda Civic,” I can now tell the students, who will not care because, as lovely and reliable as it is, there is nothing poetic or endearing or quirky about a 2012 Honda Civic. 

They won’t stifle giggles or take in breath. 
They won’t get their free reality check. 
They won’t think twice about their majors anymore. 
No, they’ll just press on without counting the cost, 
Never knowing that sometimes you gotta chase down your dreams in a car that’s older than the dreams themselves. 

You got me from A to B—
and then some. 

A flash of turquoise, 
a confessional in motion,  
a wonder. 

They've made some impressive advances in car manufacturing in the last 18 years. 

Maybe my favorite tweet ever...

Thanks, Teri!

Sexuality & The Church – Some Introductory Remarks & A Prayer

Today we begin a yearlong series on Sexuality & The Church, and I want to start by simply setting the tone. As we enter this discussion together every Monday, my prayer is that we will keep these three truths at the center of all our conversations: 

Stories are sacred, and we will treat them as such. 

I have sat across the table at a coffee shop as a young woman, looking down at her hands, told me her story….complete with the difficult parts…. each word chosen with the kind of care and courage that made me recognize that moment as a precious gift. It was a gift because it cost her something—vulnerability, painful memories, the possibility of rejection. And it was a gift because it honored me to know I was trusted with something so valuable, so fragile, and so personal. 

Stories faithfully and bravely told are sacred gifts, and in this series, we will treat them as such, with gentleness and respect. When people tell their stories, whether in the comment section or as part of a post, we will be quick to listen, slow to speak, and slow to get angry. (And I will monitor the comment section like a Mama Bear to ensure this is the case!) There will be interviews and guest posts from a variety of people with a variety of sexual orientations and backgrounds, and as we work our way through several books, I plan to alternate between more theoretical and theological works (like Jesus, The Bible, and Homosexuality by Jack Rogers and Sexuality and Holy Longing by Lisa Graham McMinn) and more personal, testimony-style books (like Torn by Justin Lee, Washed and Waiting by Wesley Hill, and See Me Naked by Amy Frykholm). 

That’s because when Christians talk about sexuality we tend to revert to…(pardon the pun)…positions. As in, we take other people’s stories and make them about us: where we stand on “issues” like homosexuality and premarital sex. Perhaps we do this because we are frightened by the complexity of sexuality, a complexity that does not lend itself to the comfortable categories that assure us that we’re right, that we’re “in,” that we’re safe, that we’re talking about “other” people from “other” places in “other” communities. Already I have been confronted with this as folks have sent me messages demanding to know where I “stand” on a variety of issues before they decide whether or not to even read the series, as if it’s a series about me and my beliefs. Homosexuality in particular has become a sort of blunt rock with which evangelicals draw lines in the sand to determine who is “in” and who is “out”—a classic case of the privileged using the marginalized for their own advancement and power. I’ve been warned by more people than I can count that if I don’t say just the right thing, if I don’t toe the party line when it comes to sexuality, I could lose speaking engagements, book deals, readers, even fellowship with other believers. We have become a Church that judges one another by how we judge one another, and that makes me sad. 

I’ll never forget sitting in the living room of a family from my old church, engaged in a heated argument with several straight, married couples about whether or not one could be both a follower of Jesus and gay. The language had gotten ugly, judgmental, degrading. We were telling other people’s stories for them, without care or respect. We had, essentially, objectified our fellow human beings, which struck me as the opposite of a healthy, Christlike engagement of sexuality. Then and there I vowed never to have that conversation again unless a gay friend was present and welcomed. 

So, at its heart, this series is not about positions, but about people. Homosexuality is not a mere “issue.” Singleness is not a mere “issue.” Marriage is not a mere “issue.” As any mother of a gay child or survivor of sexual abuse will tell you, when we talk about sexuality, we are talking about real people, real bodies, real families, real lives. To forget this is to subject our fellow human beings, created in the image of God, to a sort of theological objectification that robs them of their humanity and renders their stories, their experience, their backgrounds, their spirituality, their relationships, their struggles, and their joys down into something I can either “affirm” or “condemn,” something that is either “pure” or “defiled.”  Yes, we are called to “test the spirits,” to think critically, to make judgment calls, and at times to call out sin, but above all, we are called to love. And love does not objectify. It is not rude or self-seeking. It does not delight in evil, but rejoices in the truth. And without love, our discussions and debates and polemics are just clanging cymbals that hurt the ears of God. 

And so, as we listen to one another’s stories, we must quiet ourselves. We must listen. We must love. We must take off our shoes. For we are on sacred ground. 

Scripture is sacred, and we will treat is as such. 

The Bible was the topic of 2012’s yearlong series as we talked about loving the Bible for what it is, not what we want it to be. This means recognizing our own biases and presuppositions when it comes to interpretation, educating ourselves about the culture and context in which the Bible was written and assembled, and resisting the universal tendency to conform the Bible into a weapon or an idol of our own making. Taking the Bible seriously, we learned, means accepting it on its own terms, living in its tensions and confronting those texts we don’t like or understand and sitting with them for a while, perhaps even a lifetime. It means respecting the Bible enough to wrestle with it. 

That an ancient collection of history, poetry, letters, laws, prophecies, proverbs, and stories might have something important—indeed, sacred—to say about sexuality may seem like foolishness to many, but I am as committed as ever to the notion that Scripture is inspired by God, and useful for teaching, correcting, and training, so that the people of God are equipped for the good works we are called to share with the world. 

And so, as part of the series, we will be discussing what the Bible says about sexuality, looking at the “big picture” as well as the particular texts that tend to spark debate. Some books I would like to review or work through include, Jesus, The Bible, and Homosexuality by Jack Rogers, Bible, Gender, Sexuality by James Brownson, Sexuality and the Christian Body and more. We may also need to work in a discussion of Song of Songs, which is one of my favorite books of the Bible.  (The Shulamite girl is one of my favorite biblical women of valor!)

Now, I do not intend for these discussions around Scripture to stand in contrast to the stories we share, but rather to complement them. After all, the Bible is mostly stories, and even the letters and laws we tend to read as dry directives themselves arose from the context of a story. And so special attention will be given to books and articles that help us understand the relevant texts within their original contexts and in the context of God’s good and grand story of restoration and redemption. 

Sexuality is sacred, and we will treat it as such. 

How is sexuality sacred? 

Well, I’m not entirely sure, to be honest. That’s something we will be exploring together as part of the series. (We’re learning together, remember?!) 

But I’m pretty sure that preserving the sacredness of sexuality means speaking about it with reverence, respect, and truth (and with some humor now and then too, as I’m convinced that our ability to laugh at ourselves has a direct coorolation to our ability to spot the idols in our lives). And I’m pretty sure that preserving the sacredness of sexuality means giving up control, relinquishing power, and leaving space for mystery. 

Perhaps the hardest part of recognizing the sacredness of sexuality is acknowledging the fact that we will not master it, that we won’t ever be able to “get it right”—not exactly. As I said in A Year of Biblical Womanhood, we make the most beautiful things ugly when we try to systematize a mystery. I suspect this is why much of what the Bible has to say about sexuality is said with poetry. 

On a final note, I want to acknowledge that as a straight, married woman, I am keenly aware of my own privilege and limitations in tackling this broad and complex topic, especially as it relates to the stories of my LGBT brothers and sisters and my many single readers. And so I need y’all to keep me accountable, to let me know if I veer into territory that is unhelpful or hurtful. I’ve also enlisted the help of a group of people I really respect. These are my “sex consultants,” charged with keeping me accountable, making suggestions, and (hopefully) contributing some guests posts or ideas: 

Richard Beck 
Kimberly Knight 
Justin Lee 
Amy Frykholm 
Tara Owens 
Dianna Anderson 
Alise Wright 
Leigh Kramer 

To conclude, I’ve borrowed this prayer from Kimberly, which she shared on her blog yesterday and which I hope will set the tone for the rest of the series:  

Gracious and loving God,
Mother Hen,
Abba,
who was made known to us in the body of a babe,
born into poverty and despised by the state -
Our parent and brother
Help us
recognize the stranger as our kin.
Help us
listen attentively to our lives.
Help us
discern the murmuring of grace
planted by you in our hearts.
Help us
hear the the deep pain and soaring joy of others.
Help us
see our interdependence with others
Help us
to be your hands and feet in the world.
Amen

***

So, what do you think? How can this series be helpful, and what must we do to keep it from being hurtful? What suggestions do you have specifically for the series? 

***

Oh, and if you're interested in reading along, I'm still nailing down the official reading list, but we will likely start off with a conversion about Justin Lee's Torn and Wesley Hill's Washed and Waiting, as they present two stories and two viewpoints shared with much grace. I'm hoping to interview both authors. 

Sunday Superlatives 1/6/13 - Epiphany

Prayer for Epiphany: O God, by the leading of a star you
manifested your only Son to the peoples of the earth: Lead us, who know you now
by faith, to your presence, where we may see your glory face to face; through
Jesus Christ our Lord, who lives and reigns with you and the Holy Spirit, one
God, now and forever. – Book of Common Prayer

Around the Blogosphere…

Best Video

C.G.P. Grey (at Mental Floss) with “Napoleon
Wasn’t Short, Vikings Didn’t Wear Horned Helmets, and 3 More Historical
Misconceptions”

Best Storytelling:
Vicki Valosik with “If You Invite an International Student Home for
Thanksgiving”

“The years may fly by and you may forget what it was like to not be subject to
“random” security checks or the worry that comes with having family far away in
a place of unrest. The sharp edges of your cultures may wound each other
unintentionally and at times take you by surprise. But you will not forget,
even as the years fly by, that the harmony is richer because of the struggles
and that that faraway place is now a part of you too. You will learn together
which of the sharp edges deserve to be blunted and which ones to keep as they
are…but to handle with care.”

Best Analysis:
Krish Kandiah with “Tim Keller, Women, and Ignoring Your Own Rules”

“The problem with the argument
that people who take a different view on the role of women are “loose with the
scripture” is that it assumes that there is only one way of reading scripture
on this issue.”

Best List:
Shane Claiborne at Red Letter Christians with “12 Hopes for 2013”

“9. Get outdoors often.  And enjoy things
like fireflies and shooting stars.  Take
someone to the beach or the mountains for their first time. And regularly get my
hands into the garden… so when I type on the computer I can see dirt under my
fingernails.10. Learn a skill – like welding – and use it for something
redemptive, like turning a machine gun into a farm tool.”

Best Reflection:

Dan Gilgoff at CNN with “5 Things I Learned Editing the Belief Blog”

“You don’t have to be religious to think religion
stories matter; you just have to be curious about the way the world works.”

Best Reminder: 
Richard Beck at Experimental Theology with “Cathedrals of Time” 

“We shouldn't go to holy places as much
as create holy times”

Best Interview:

The Guardian interviews Maria Popova of Brain Pickings

“If something interests me and is both timeless
and timely, I write about it. Much of what is published online is content
designed to be dead within hours, so I find most of my material offline. I
gravitate more and more towards historical things that are somewhat obscure and
yet timely in their sensibility and message. We really need an antidote to this
culture of "if it's not Google-able, it doesn't exist". There's a
wealth of knowledge and inspiration offline, ideas still very relevant and
interesting.”

Most Inspiring:
Kristin Lucas with “Why This Matters” 

“And the two men “in charge” brought up a woman—A WOMAN—and told
everyone how deeply impactful she had been on them. Not because she was their
mother or their sister or their aunt or their grandmother. But because her
ministry as an adult leader in their lives was important.”

Most Thought-Provoking:
Sierra at The Phonix and the Olive Branch with “Modesty, Body Policing, and
Rape Culture: Connecting the Dots” 

“The hyper-vigilance of fundamentalist men and women to root out “immodesty”
conceals a hatred of female sexuality: secondary sex characteristics should not
be visible except in approved circumstances. The system is designed to ensure
that the only time a man is “turned on” by a woman is when he is allowed to act
on his urges: in the marital bed. In other words, if a woman’s body is visible,
it ought to be available for sex. Although I don’t think many men think this
consciously, the idea crops up in misogynist rhetoric all the time. “Immodest”
women are “asking for it,” or it’s “false advertising” if a woman in a short
skirt won’t go home with you, or (in the terms of the Christian patriarchy
movement) a woman “defrauds” a man (literally, deprives him of a right or
property) by allowing herself to be attractive in a situation wherein sex with
her is illicit or unwanted.”

Most Relatable:
Kelle Hampton at Enjoying the Small Things with “The Key to
Failure”

“If you share, if you publish, if you write, if you speak, if
you are brave and decide to put yourself out there, I promise you, someone
won't like it.  Someone won't agree with you.  Someone will misinterpret. 
Someone will think that you are silly, unqualified and that your work is
crap.  That you are crap.  They might not just
think it but they might tell you.  And that won't feel good, especially
not the first time you hear it.  But it is necessary.  And it's okay.”

Most Eye-Opening:
Lynne Hybels at Red Letter Christians with “Women in the
Holy Land – Just Like Me”

“To honor David’s memory and to try to prevent other parents from experiencing
such loss, she became a spokesperson for The Parents Circle, a group of more
than 600 Israeli and Palestinian families who have lost an immediate family
member in the conflict.  They join
together to share their stories, to empathize with one another, and to grieve
together. ‘Then,’ says Robi, ‘we can stand together on stages in schools and
before governments and tell our stories of loss—but also our stories of
reconciliation.’”

Most Encouraging: 
Michele at She Loves with “Eshet Chayil! Who…Me?” 

“So, my friends, shall we do what’s in front of us to do today? Shall we become
Women of Valor? Intrepid Women? Brave Women? Women who will take care of
whatever God places in front of us, regardless of whether it feels big or just
a part of our everyday lives.”

 Most
Challenging:
Kelley Nikondeha 
at She Loves with “Mary’s Song”

“I want to sing of grand reversals, too.”

Wisest:
David Buller at Biologos with “To Serve and Preserve—Genesis
2 and the Human Calling”

“Genesis 2 should banish from our minds any idea that
creation care is somehow “secular” work for a Christian, or that it is not even
our responsibility. This was the first task given to humanity, to serve and
worship God by cultivating and protecting the natural world.”

Bravest:

(at Rage Against the Minivan) "What I Want You To Know: Foster Parenting is Hard"

“It is so hard to get a phone call at 2 am in the morning. Get myself unbleary
and unrattled (there's always that 2 am worry that it's bad news about my momma
or my husband's parents). Listen to a short yet horrific story about why the
sheriff needs to drop off the baby and her big sister at this insane hour.
Rushing to get formula or diapers, set up a crib, get a bed together and put on
something that won't embarrass me, the sheriff and the children before they get
there isn't the hard part. That's sheer adrenaline. The hard part is finding a
place to tuck the story in my brain so that when the children walk in I don't
smother them with unwanted affection and pity. That I don't scoop them up and
try to save them from this world that is treating them so unfairly. That when
they get out of the sheriff's squad car I can just say hi and take them to meet
the hamster. Friendly and open but also acting like this is a regular gig at
our place at this hour. "Hey, we were just hanging out. Glad you could
show up to keep us company."

Truest:
Dianna Anderson with “A Monstrous God”

“Evil is not a corrective from God to teach us a lesson. To
believe so is to worship a devil.”

Most Likely To Make You Cheer  (nominated by Sarah Moon)
Dani Kelley with "The Body I Have"

"Wearing clothes that fit does not make me a bad person. Wearing clothes that fit does not make me a seductress. I’m not dressing for the approval of others. I’m dressing for my body, my comfort, my own approval. And I will not pretend that the body I have is toxic poison anymore. Neither being fat nor being female is shameful." 

On my Nightstand…..

Ariel: The Restored Edition by Sylvia Plath

Does Jesus Really Love Me? by Jeff Chu (available in March,
but you can pre-order now; highly recommended!)

The Round House by Louise Erdrich

In my Headphones….

Florence + The Machine – Ceremonials

Fiona Apple – The Idler Wheel…

Recently Watched…

Mad Men -  Season Five
(5/5 stars)

“Safety Not Guaranteed” (4 stars)

“Moonrise Kingdom” (4.5 stars)

On the Blog…

Most Popular Post:

“Help Me Make the Blog Better in 2013”

Most Popular Comment: 
In response to “Help Me Make the Blog Better in 2013,” Lucy wrote: 

“With
sexuality (and with singleness) could you look at masturbation from a
theological perspective. I think it is something that maybe teenage guys get
talked at all the time about but it never gets even whispered about for women.
And it's not that I think there would be different rules but rather I need a
theolgogical framework in which to think about it, and no one wants to even
begin talking. But it is an issue I'm single and in my 30s and my non-Christian
friends think "contentment in singleness" is a euphemism for
something. Are they right?”

Well, it looks like we’ll be talking about masturbation! So
stay tuned.

Saint of the Week...

via Jennifer Fulwiler's "Saint's Name Generator"

St. James the Greater
Patronage: Arthritis Sufferers; Blacksmiths; Equestrians; Laborers; Pharmacists; Pilgrims; Soldiers; Veterinarians
Learn more about St. James the Greater

So, what caught your eye online this week? What’s happening
on your blog?

Mom – A Woman of Valor

By Kristen Rudd

Growing up in Houston,
after-church Sunday dinner was a hard and fast ritual for my family.

Sometimes, we went to
Luby’s, and stood in the snaking cafeteria line with all the other church folk
who raced over to “beat the crowd.”

If extended family was in town, we went to Pappasito’s, a famous Houston
Tex-Mex institution. There were no eternal cafeteria lines, just the long bar
where, sandwiched in by relatives, I traced the names carved into the
water-ringed wood until blessedly, we would be seated.

We also went to Ducho’s, this mid-century steak place, the kind you’d imagine
the mob might run. Waitresses who had worked there since the dawn of time
smoked cigarettes at the table in the corner. Waiting in the wood-paneled
foyer, the only way to pass the time was by yanking on the cigarette machine
pulls, which sprang back with a satisfying bounce.

But the Sunday dinners at home, after Mom had stripped off her pantyhose, and I
couldn’t get the feel of church clothes off my skin, were sacred. We squirmed
through it, through the in-between space that was post-church, with its
best-behavior-all-morning fatigue, but not quite to the afternoon freedom while
Mom took her Sunday-only, do-not-disturb-me nap. The yin and yang of the
“shoulds” with the “coulds.”

We had pot roast only on Sundays, never during the week. It was oven-cooked
with peeled new potatoes and carrots dumped out of cans, and served with
iceberg salad, store-bought rolls, and sweating glasses of Lipton iced tea.
Sweet, of course.

At all of six years
old, I turned to Mom one Sunday and told her that when I grew up, I would cook
pot roast every Sunday and have her over for dinner.

When her laughter subsided, she asked, “Well, then, where will you live?”

“Down the street from you.” I was matter-of-fact to a fault. “You can just walk
over.”

“Every Sunday?” she asked.

“Yes,” I chirped. “So you don’t have to cook every week."

 “I see,” she said. Then she admonished me to eat my meat, and I asked for more
salt for my already salted potatoes.

Every time we ate pot roast for Sunday dinner, I reminded her of my promise. It
became a family tradition.

As teenagers, we preferred eating out with friends after church, but
occasionally, our presence was non-negotiable. We all had our assignments –
whether it was the iceberg salad or the sweetened tea – and constantly bickered
about whose elbow went where at the table.

“Will you still make me pot roast when you grow up?” Mom would ask.

“I said I would, didn’t I?” I would reply with a healthy roll of my eyes.
“What? Do you not believe me?”

One Sunday, when I was fifteen, Mom and Dad took us to Fajitas, this Tex-Mex
joint about 30 minutes away in another part of the city. We fiddled with the
cloth napkins, waiting for the sizzling meat and grilled onions, and they told
us: Mom had cancer. I suppose we went there because the likelihood that anyone
we knew would see us crying into our food was slim. I believe Tex-Mex has the
ability to lessen all of life’s blows.

Once treatments started, pot roasts were out of the question. With Mom buried
under blankets on the couch, sleeping off the chemo, we made the meals – the
ones she taught us so we could pull our weight during those happier years. Her
lasting gift to us had been capable hands.

She died at home, in the middle of a thunderstorm. Buckets of hastily bought
KFC were scattered around the kitchen. When the men from the funeral home
rolled their gurney through the front door, I thought I would suffocate and
bolted out the back. The only thing I managed to choke down that night was a
ham sandwich our next-door neighbor set down gently in front of me at her
kitchen table.

I’ve heard the foil-wrapped meals that people bring in times of joy or crisis
jokingly called “casseroles of hope.” In the weeks following, we went through
the motions of eating many casseroles, but there wasn’t a lot of hope. There
were certainly no pot roasts.

I now live in
California, where Sunday brunch with friends has replaced the post-church
traditions of my upbringing. My children don’t know the relief of tearing off
itchy dress clothes every week, and you wouldn’t catch me dead in pantyhose.

My family gets together at my Dad’s once a month for Sunday dinner. Iceberg
lettuce has been upgraded to Romaine, and Shiner Bock has replaced the Lipton,
but I’d bet my residual twang the rolls are still store-bought. If it wasn’t
for the 2,000 miles that separate us, I know without doubt I would be there.
Our children would play together on the floor and watch movies curled up on the
couch, piled on each other like puppies.

I wonder sometimes, if Mom hadn’t died, if I would have left home like I did.
If she was still here, could I bear to live across the country from her? Or
would I live down the street like I solemnly promised?

Obviously, I’ll never know, but I’m pretty sure I would have learned how to
make a pot roast.

***

Kristen Rudd grew
up in Houston, moved around a lot, got married, and now lives in San Francisco
where she homeschools her two children. She didn't see that last part coming.
Really. She used to do a lot of things, but now she writes novels and is still
really good at shuffling cards. She tweets under @kristenrudd.

This post is part of our Women of Valor series. Eshet chayil—woman of valor— has long been a blessing of praise in the Jewish community. Husbands often sing the line from Proverbs 31 to their wives at Sabbath meals. Women cheer one another on through accomplishments in homemaking, career, education, parenting, and justice by shouting a hearty “eshet chayil!” after each milestone.  Great women of the faith, like Sarah and Ruth and Deborah, are identified as women of valor.  One of my goals after completing my year of biblical womanhood was to “take back” Proverbs 31 as a blessing, not a to-do list, by identifying and celebrating women of valor. To help me in this, you submitted nearly 100 essays to our Women of Valor essay contest. There were so many essays that made me laugh, cry, and think I’ve decided that, in addition to the eight winners we featured in August, I will select several more to feature as guest posts throughout the fall. 

We have honored a single mom, a feisty professor, a midwife, a foster parent, an abuse survivor, a brave grandmother, a master seamstress, a young Ugandan woman who reached out to a sister in need, and many more. 

Read t he rest of the Women of Valor series here.

2013 Speaking Schedule

As promised, I’ve updated my speaking schedule, which this
year will bring me to a lot of cool places, from Blacksburg to Portland to
Cozumel. Winter/spring is just about as booked as I’d like it to be, and I’ve
got plans to take the summer off. But there are still some slots open for the
fall. If you’re interested in having me speak at your conference, college, or
church, contact Jim Chaffee of Chaffee Management.