Phil Torcivia's Blog, page 3

Fifty Shades Effed - Chapter Sixteen

As Chris leads the press conference and ribbon cutting in the lobby, I turn the kids loose on the Blue Room. I remove certain DVDs and put baseball on all the TVs, to soften the blow. The kids play on the swings, whack each other with dildos, squirt lube on the floor, and slide around. The Fox News van pulls up.



Chris is bragging on camera about the remodel and how family-friendly the resort has become. Meanwhile, the Fox News team reports from the Blue Room where Matt interviews the evil clown.



"My Lord. What's going on here?" Matt asks.

"Wow, I have no idea. We were told to bring the kids down for some family fun. This is just awful. Did you see the crazy devices in this room?"

"It looks like a BDSM dungeon."

"I know! Disgusting."



I walk with Matt around the Blue Room while Jeff gathers the kids and takes them upstairs for refreshments.



"Look at this paddle," I prompt, as I remove it from its wall mount. The camera zooms in.

"There's a plaque on it. Hm, CG. I wonder who that is?" Matt asks.

"Oh, I think be both know, Matt," I say as I wink at the camera. "Now, I have to get back to the kids and make sure they're OK."



Matt continues his broadcast as I go into the limo bus and change out of my clown costume. I hide it in a compartment under the seats and begin removing my makeup. A text comes in.



Bea Plastique: OMFG!!!

Mormon Silver: What?

Bea Plastique: I'm watching this live with Grandma.

Mormon Silver: They say TV adds ten pounds. Did I look chubby?

Bea Plastique: Chris just broke away from the ceremony. He's on his way there.

Mormon Silver: Got it handled. TTYL



I put on my baseball cap and sunglasses, and walk casually past the media as they rush toward the Blue Room. Chris and his entourage are close behind them. He doesn't recognize me either. When he gets to the door, I yell toward him.



"Yo, Chris."



He pivots and sees me.



"Love what you've done to the place. Have a nice life, fuckhead," I yell, give him the finger, and jog out of the garage.



I text Jeff, asking him to take care of getting the kids back north and to keep mum about my involvement. I take a taxi home. Bea and Grandma are waiting.



"Holy shit," Grandma beams, "you are one twisted motherfucker."

"Language!" Bea reacts.

"I can't believe he didn't change the code. How's he spinning it?" I ask.

"He stuttered and stammered, saying he never knew about the room," Bea informs me.

"But, when Matt asked him about the paddle he completely lost it and ran off camera," Grandma continues.



The media had a field day with the scandal. Jeff played it perfectly, insisting he had no idea what was going on as he simply followed the banner. Chris will be tied up for some time doing damage control. This should give my wife and I time to prepare for our child, with fewer distractions.

Fifty Shades Effed - Chapter Fifteen

On the day of my uprising, I pick up my clown costume, makeup, and a large banner. I take it all to Bea's office so she can put my face on. Eric greets me as I enter.



"How are you, Mormon?"

"Insanity in progress, and today should prove it. Make sure you watch the news tonight. Did you get in contact with Matt from Fox?"

"You bet. Here's his mobile. He said to text him when ready."

"You are the man, Eric."

"... but, I'll play the woman, occasionally."

"TMI."

"Something looks different on you. Have you lost weight?"

"I shaved."

"Ah, sexy."

"Thank you."



Bea greets me and we go into her office. Ah, this is where the lovin' started.



"OK, babyface, what are you up to?" she asks.

"I'd rather not say. This way, if my plot blows up, you won't be implicated. But, if this goes as planned, Chris will get his comeuppance."

"Ooh, you said 'come.'"

"Behave. I need you to put this clown makeup on my face."

"Hm, never had sex with a clown."

"All right. Do this and my red nose and I will fuck you silly."

"Yes!"



Bea does a great job making my face match my maniacal thoughts. Naturally, she mounts me the second I finish putting on the costume.



"Leave that zipper down, Uncle M. You promised."

"All aboard, Lovergirl," I demand.



The clown outfit is ridiculous: over-sized, white shoes, silver argyle socks, a black and white jumpsuit rolled up to my knees, a silver wig, and a black top hat. I hope I don't cause any accidents on the way downtown.



When I arrive at the Park & Ride, most of the kids are already there, playing catch in the parking lot. I'm wisely armed with candy, which I hand out while greeting the kids. My friend, Jeff, doesn't recognize me.



"Hi, did Mormon hire ... oh, Jesus."

"What do you think?"

"You have completely lost your mind."

"Oh, you haven't seen anything yet," I tease while I honk my toy horn.



The limo bus arrives and we climb aboard with fourteen kids all hyped up on sugar. We sing, dance, and tell fart jokes on the way to The Grey Towers. I send a text to Matt from Fox as we pull up. 



Mormon: Hey, Matt. Please meet us on the second parking level underground. Look for the black limo bus.

Matt: On our way.

Mormon: Will you be able to use a live feed from there?

Matt: Won't be a problem.

Mormon: Excellent.



When we arrive, I ask the kids to wait in the bus while I open the fun house. I pull the banner from my bag and stick it to the wall. It reads, "Grey's Funhouse," and has a big arrow, which points to the doorway. I pull out my iPhone and cross my fingers as I click the link. I hear the buzzing and unlatching. Yes! I open the door to the Blue Room.



"Come on in, kids!"

Fifty Shades Effed - Chapter Fourteen

We manage to move most of Bea's and Grandma's belongings into storage, except some nicknacks and furniture they insist upon to make my place less of a bachelor pad. They also request I remove the plastic fruit and stop using my kitchen nook as a giant mailbox.



"What's this contraption?" Grandma asks as she and Bea survey my space.

"A foosball table. Wanna play?"

"I think it would look better in the garage," Bea suggests.

"Oh, definitely," Grandma agrees. "This space needs an antique chaise lounge with a side table and decorative lamp."

"Fine. Can I at least keep the poker table?"

"Well," Bea considers, "perhaps we could make use of that."



The three of us catch Fox 5 News while sipping our morning stimulant. The special guest they have on this morning is none other than his dickiness, Chris.



Host: How are your renovations coming along?

Chris: We're nearly finished with the first phase. As you know, I was the chief architect on the guestroom redesign back in January, and now that I own the building, I plan to return the site to the splendor it once was. The Grey Towers will once again be the crown jewel of San Diego.

Host: That's exciting.

Chris: Indeed. We're making the resort more family friendly as well. If I may, I'd like to invite your viewers to an open house and ribbon cutting event we're hosting on Friday. Bring the kids, as we'll have a bounce house and other fun activities for them. There will be tours of the redesigned suites and pool deck, and complimentary beverages.



A light bulb, while slightly dim in my advanced years, sparks to life in my mind.



"Ugh, he's disgusting," Bea reacts.

"Say, do either of you have any contacts at Fox?" I ask.

"I think Eric is good friends with one of their reporters, Matt," Bea suggests.

"Perfect. See if Eric can put me in touch with him. I have an idea."

"Let's hear it," Grandma insists.

"Let me hash it out a bit more, then I'll run it by you both. Oh, I'll also need a clown costume."

"You're scaring me," Bea laughs.

"Good!"



Bea leaves for the office, and Grandma visits the farmer's market while I write a few more blog entries and work on my plan of vengeance. I call my buddy, Jeff.



"Dude, do you still coach that Little League team?" I ask.

"Yep."

"What ages?"

"Eleven and twelve."

"Perfect. I'm going to rent a bus and take the team to the open house of the former Hyatt. I'll try to get my new pal, Trevor Hoffman, to speak."

"Sounds fun. When is it?"

"Friday at six. Let's all meet at the La Costa Park and Ride at five."

"I'll start contacting the parents."

"They're all welcome too. The more, the merrier."



That arrogant prick is going down.

Fifty Shades Effed - Chapter Thirteen

It was a difficult night to sleep through with the crazy wedding day we had. Bea is up before me, as usual. She pokes me with a hockey stick to wake me.



"Hey!"

"Get out of bed, husband. We're going to the Ice Arena. I need to blow off some steam."

"Did you just poke me with a stick?"

She jabs me again.

"Let's go. Move it!"

"Jesus. Really? And, why do you have a hockey stick with you here in our honeymoon suite?"

"I don't leave home without it."

"Ugh."



I drag my groggy butt out from under the soft sheets, and slide into board shorts, flip flops, and a T-shirt.



"Ready."

"You're going to skate in that?"

"It's all I have. I wasn't planning on a morning on ice."

"OK, then."



We jump into the Jeep and head to the skating arena. I hate ice skating because I suck at it. In fact, I can't think of anything I suck at that I enjoy. That's why I hate golf too: I suck at it, I don't want to invest the time to suck less, so I don't golf. Well, this is marriage. A man has to learn to compromise or he's going to ride a lonely sofa into the sunset.



At the arena, we strap on skates. Yes, I look ridiculous and I'm half asleep so I don't fucking care.



"Why do we need hockey sticks?" I ask, fearing the worst.

"It's time for Olympic event number four. Canada needs a boost, and I'm pretty confident we can even the medal count with this event."

"All right, hoser, bring it! I predict Italy clinches the series this morning."



We carry our sticks out to the ice. Bea reaches behind the boards, grabs two pucks, and flips them out onto the ice.



"Now what?" I ask while stretching my hamstrings, which ache in anticipation.

"We race around the arena. The first one to skate with the puck around each net three times wins."

"Can't we just have sex in the penalty box or something?"

"Maybe."

"Yes! I forfeit."

"Not so fast. If you beat me, we'll do it in the penalty box."

"You hear that, Pippino? Daddy's getting lucky on ice again."

"Ready? Set? Go!"



She takes off. I manage to fall on my face in two strides. I struggle back to my feet, as I see Bea's lovely butt wiggle, while she kicks up ice shavings. I'm hosed. Before I make it around the first net, she has already cleared the second and is threatening to lap me. She catches me in no time and knocks my stick from my hands as she passes me. Players make it look so easy: You drop your stick, you bend over, you pick it up, you keep skating. I bend over and fall. I get up on one knee, grab the stick, get up, and fall backward, as she approaches to pass me again.



This time I hold my stick tightly. I make it halfway to the second net as she scoots by, throwing a hip into me, which sends the stick and me flying. She steals my puck and fires it into the net behind me as she whips around the final time. I helplessly sit on my clumsy ass as she finishes the third lap and slides to a halt, spraying me with an ice shower from her skates.



"Canada two, Italy two."

"Feel better?" I ask, as I crawl to the boards, and pull myself up.

"I do actually."

"OK. Now let's get out of here and figure out what we're going to do about this Chris situation."

"Not so fast. Get in that penalty box, mister. I'm not done blowing off steam."

Sometimes the silver isn't so bad.

Molto bene!

Fifty Shades Effed - Chapter Twelve

"May I see that?" I request. Bea hands me the notice. I look at it briefly, then sneeze into it, and crumble it like a tissue. "I'm sorry, I'm allergic to fuckwads. Now, if you wouldn't mind, the missus and I have a life to attend to--a life with lots of love, sex, and children, regardless of our financial situation."



Chris smirks at me, then he and his bodyguard leave. Grandma and Eric are first to console Bea.



"Honey, I'm so sorry," Grandma explains. "I tried everything to block him, but we're too far behind and the bank insisted."

"At least we'll have the proceeds from the sale, right?" Bea asks.

"Actually, there are no proceeds. It was a short sale," Grandma laments. "I'm being tossed out as well. We'll both be homeless for a bit."

"Nobody's going to be homeless. I have plenty of room at my place. I'd be honored to have two guests to try my recipes on."

"He does make a mean french toast," Grandma kids.

"I'll prepare a chore list of each of you, and we'll discuss your allowance."

Bea smiles, finally.

"Hey, let's deal with this tomorrow," I suggest. "It will work out."

"I know, Husband. Eric and I have been working on a project that should solve this predicament," Bea recovers.

"Husband. I like the sound of that, Wife," I assure Bea. I hold her face between my hands, wipe the tears with my thumbs, and kiss her. "Let's save what's left of the day and have fun with our guests."



The sunset reception is wonderful, but Chris floats around the back of my mind. When I visit the bar to freshen my bourbon, Eric joins me.



"So, Eric, tell me about this project you're working on."

"Not yet, Mormon. We need a few more commitments. You'll be blown away, if we can pull this off."

"Well, let me know if there's anything I can do to help."

"I will."

 I don't want my expectant wife to stress over this."

"Agreed. She's a strong woman. She'll be fine."

"Cool. What are you drinking?"

"Lemon drop."

"Refreshing!"



When we sit for dinner, I tease Bea about her dress.



"That was a great fucking idea, right there. You have no idea the butterflies you gave me when you came through that door."

"Aw. I'm so glad you like it."

"We do need to find an air vent, though, so we can have the true Marilyn effect."

"Hm, can't do that."

"Why not?"

"I'm not wearing underwear."

"None?"

"Nope."

"Not even a thong?"

"Commando," she insists as she slides my hand from her knee to her sexiness.

"Here comes the bride ... again," I tease.



We agree to postpone our honeymoon until after we deal with the move. There must be a way to extract Chris from our lives. Our wedding night in the suite is memorable and exhausting. Although the bed is cushy, Lovergirl insists we do it on a wooden chair because "we haven't done that yet." I'll never say no to love, regardless of the playing surface. Still, my sore ass wishes I would be more discerning.

Fifty Shades Effed - Chapter Eleven

Wedding Day--the happiest day of a person's life, right next to that first taste of Nutella. Eric picks me up, and we make our way downtown to the Hotel Del Coronado. Bea and I will exchange vows on the beach in front of the historic hotel where Some Like it Hot was filmed with Marilyn Monroe.



I'm wearing a black tux with the pants tied off at my knees. I have my signature silver argyle socks beneath them. Who knows what Bea will wear? She's eccentric to say the least, and Eric won't share, although I pry.



"Will you at least tell me the color?"

"Not telling you. Mormon, take my word for it. She'll look fabulous."

"Hey, do we have time for a quick mojito to calm the nerves?"

"Now we're talking."



Eric detours off the highway and we stop at Poseidon in Del Mar--the masters of the mojito. In a few sips, my nerves are calm.



Once we arrive at the Hotel Del, I check in at the front desk. They have our honeymoon suite ready. Bea is there having the final touches applied. Guests are gathering by the pool in the afternoon sun, sipping prosecco. I see my mother chatting with Grandma. I approach them.



"Hello, Ms. A, I see you've met my mother." I greet my mother with a kiss on the cheek. She looks elegant in her powder blue dress. "How was your flight?"

"It was quick, thanks to my Kindle. I finished two books."

"Well done."

"How's your writing coming along?" Mother asks.

"You know," Grandma interrupts, "you should be proud of your son. He's quite a talented blogger."

"Why, thank you, Ms. A. I wasn't aware that you read my blog."

"I enjoy it immensely." Grandma grabs my mother's arm. "He's also an amazing dancer."

Right. Maybe when I'm blotto on tequila and have a third leg strapped to me.

"Really?" my mother reacts.

"You're too kind."



The wedding coordinator directs us all out to the platform on the beach. It's time. Other hotel guests come to the edge of the resort to watch.



I take my position next to the justice. A guitar soloist begins the "Bridal March" song. The guests rise and turn to see the bride. iPhone pictures are snapping away. I see the doors open and catch my first glimpse of Lovergirl being escorted by Eric. Her hair is shorter and she's wearing the famous Marilyn Monroe dress worn over the air vent in The Seven Year Itch. 



Wow!



My eyes water with delight. She's stunning. Eric hands her off to me, and we begin the quick ceremony. We exchange vows we've written for each other, slide rings over fingers, and share our first kiss as wife and husband. Our guests applaud as we turn and wave.



Suddenly, there's a commotion on the beach. Two military Jeeps approach and stop at the base of the platform. A helicopter appears and begins circling above us.



"What's this?" I ask Bea.

"I'm not sure, but I have an idea who it might be."



As the helicopter approaches, blowing sand, I notice a name written on the side: Crispy Salsa, or something. Who names his fucking bird? Only the most pretentious of asses. The copter lands, and Chris emerges with a bodyguard. They approach us. The bodyguard hands an envelope to Bea as I glare at Chris.



"Ma'am, this is a wedding gift from my boss."



She opens it and reads the notice within as she turns pale.



"What is it?"

"An eviction notice. Chris bought the Hyatt. I have ten days to move."

Fifty Shades Effed - Chapter Ten

I want to spend the night before the wedding with Bea, but she resists due to that crazy custom about seeing the bride on the day of the ceremony. I text to convince her otherwise.



Mormon Silver: I'm going to cook the love of my life dinner and cater to her needs, no matter what day or time it is.

Bea Plastique: You're not seeing me after midnight until I walk the beach into your arms forever.

Mormon Silver: Wow!

Bea Plastique: Not a minute past midnight, Mister.

Mormon Silver: Seriously?

Bea Plastique: It's bad luck.

Mormon Silver: It is not. Come on. I have a wonderful night planned.

Bea Plastique: You have me until 11:59.

Mormon Silver: OK, we'll see. Come over at 7 for dinner. How does Chicken Saltimbocca sound?

Bea Plastique: Delish.



When she arrives I have the table set, candles lit, dinner simmering, honey-butter rolls browning, and Sinatra singing. I also have one more handy ditty I picked up at Hustler: a blindfold. Bea greets me with a kiss and a bottle of my favorite wine: Silver Oak.



"Honey, you didn't have to bring anything. Let's save this until we can have it together."

"Doctor says Gordie and I can have a glass of wine with dinner, no problem," she insists while she pats her little belly.

"OK, one glass with Pippino. After dinner, I have a special dessert planned. It's going to require that you wear this," I instruct as I show her the argyle blindfold.

"Ooh, sexy! I can't wait."



While dining, we chat about tomorrow's ceremony and timing. We agreed to have something intimate with immediate family and close friends only.



"Are you ready, Lovergirl?"

"You bet."

"Give me ten minutes to get things ready upstairs. Be right back."



In my master bath I fill the tub and light vanilla candles around it. I float rose petals and add scented bath salts. I have Bea's favorite shampoo, body wash, and two loofah gloves ready. I undress, put on a robe, and return downstairs to Bea.



"OK, first you need to put this on," I inform as I place the blindfold over her eyes with the strap under her hair. "Come with me." I lead her upstairs. Once in my bedroom, I continue, "Now, let's get you out of these clothes." I kiss her, neck to toes, while undressing her. "I don't want you to have any stress about tomorrow. Everything will be perfect, my love."



Once naked, I lead her to my master bath. The water is trickling, and the scent is exotic. I guide her into the tub slowly. I have a tray of chocolate covered cake pops for snacking.



"Now, I'm going to wash your hair and give you a scalp massage."

"Seems I picked the right man after all."

"Yes, you have."



I wash and rinse her hair, while feeding her bites of cake pops--red velvet, lemon, vanilla, and fudge.



"Ahh. I could take a nap now."

"Not yet, Lovergirl. Scootch up and make room for Uncle M."



I slide into the tub behind her, rub her neck and shoulders, and bathe her slowly with the loofah gloves. We top the session off with a water-sloshing lovemaking session. After soaking in our orgasmic bliss, I get out of the tub while asking her to stay. I retrieve two warm towels from my laundry room and use them to dry my love.



I honor her desires, and walk my wife-to-be out to her car with thirty minutes to spare. Taped to her driver's side door is a gray tie, a calling card from Chris. Too late, buddy. She's all mine.

Fifty Shades Effed - Chapter Nine

I enjoy a much-needed nap, while the limo driver sits in Starbucks reading the newspaper. I'm startled awake by knocking on the limo door. Probably a homeless dude looking for spare change. I peek and see that it is Bea, so I push the lever and open the doors. Bea enters with two of her friends.



"What's this? Is the party over already?"

"No, it's just beginning," Bea insists. "These are my friends. I believe you already met Emily."

"Yes, the bartender."

"Indeed. She also happens to be from my home town in Canada."

"Nice."

"And, this is Luca."

"Aw, what a nice name," I compliment as I shake her hand. All three women are tipsy. Something strange is about to happen. I sense it.

"Luca is from Naples."

"Ah, bella!" I respond as I turn her hand over and kiss her knuckles. "Wait a minute. Canadian, Italian: Does this have something to do with our Olympics?"

"Yes, it does. These fine ladies are occasional lovers ..."

"Yes! Oops. I mean, oh, how interesting."

"... and they have agreed to participate in our next event. Uncle M, you will be coaching Luca and I will coach Emily."

"All right. Is this the javelin toss?"

"Close. I'm going to need that strap on," Bea informs as she begins undoing my pants again. "Here's how this works: Each participant will take turns strapping on Rex here. The other will be on the receiving end. The one who takes in the most length wins."

"Ha! Impossible!"



Bea removes Cockasaurus Rex from my waist and holds it out. It's huge. No human could ever...



Luca takes Rex from Bea and sneers, "You're going to need a bigger dildo."

"That's my girl."



We turn on Timberlake, dim the lights, and ring the bell. First up is Emily. Luca straps the beast on while Emily lifts her skirt and removes her thong. She conveniently has a tube of Astroglide in her purse, which she applies liberally. Lovergirl sits next to me as we watch the first attempt. The women kneel. Luca holds steady while Emily backs into her.



"There's just no way," I insist.

"Come on, Emily. You can do it."



Luca slides the tip up and down Emily's hungry slit. If she can take the head alone, I'll be impressed. Emily arches, lowers her shoulders, and pushes back into Luca. The entire head enters. Emily's face shows pleasure, not pain, as does Luca's. Luca pulls out a bit and pushes in farther. Emily cringes and gets another inch in, and another, and another. What a trooper, eh?



"That's it, Emily. Oh, Can-a-daaaah ...," Bea sings.



Emily is able to stuff in another inch before she's "full." Luca smirks while Emily dismounts and unstraps. Bea takes Rex and surveys the damage.



"Fucking impressive," I admit.



Bea marks the progress with her lip gloss. The thing is as big as my fist and she got a good six-plus inches in. Italy is doomed.



Emily straps on the beast and glazes some fresh lube on as Luca removes her jeans and undies. She has a quiet, confident look. Luca kneels in front of Emily, doggie-style as well. Emily presses the head again Luca's glistening pussy. Her lips part and she takes the head.



"Yes! Do it," I encourage.



Luca grimaces as she takes inch after inch, but she's an inch shy of the mark, and Rex is bending.



"Hold Rex still, Emily. Come on, Luca."

"No, I can't. It's ... just ... too ... big."

"Are you giving up?" Bea asks, but I interrupt.

"Don't you dare! You can do this, Luca," I encourage as Luca gives me an exasperated glance. "Use the force, Luca."



Luca lowers her chest to the floor, breathes quickly like a woman in labor, and pushes back, taking that final inch plus another for good measure.



Italy 2, Canada 1.

Fifty Shades Effed - Chapter Eight

Normally, I'd be all heels and elbows as I run from the embarrassing situation. However, the tequila has persuaded me to hoard my shits. Fuck it. I'll dance for the old woman.



Grandma does a double-take, then she recognizes me. The other ladies in the bingo hall begin cheering. I glare at Eric, hop out of the box, and begin gyrating in front of Grandma.



"How did you know it was my birthday, Blobber?" Grandma asks.

"I'm a powerful man with many connections. You shall henceforth address me as Officer Blobber, or I'll be forced to restrain the suspect."

"Eat me," Grandma defies as she gives me the finger and smirks.

"Fine, you asked for it."



I remove the handcuffs from my belt and grab her wrist. She's enjoying this. Ugh. Maybe it's genetic.



"You have the right to remain silent. Anything you say won't matter, as I'm going to grind my man banana into the birthday girl anyway," I tease. Grandma giggles as the others in attendance roar. Eric is encouraging me as I notice his partner open the door to the hall. The parade of bachelorette party people stream in, led by my Lovergirl.



Once Grandma is cuffed, I hop in front of her, flip around, squat my hairy butt down onto her lap, and grind.



"Oh, my," Grandma responds. "I hope you registered at Petco so I can buy you shears for your wedding gift."

"Silence, woman, or I shall gag you!"

"You wouldn't dare. And, what the hell is that thing in your pants? You must be dreaming."



I stand in front or her, then turn and rip my shirt open, sending the buttons flying. I forgot I had my nipples clamped. Good thing I'm numb because I may have just dislocated a gland or two. The women cheer as I do my best impression of a pelvic thrust. By this point, Grandma is in tears laughing. Lovergirl inserts herself between us and begins undoing my belt.



"Oh, Jesus. I wouldn't do that."

"We have to set the beast free, Uncle M," she insists.



She unbuttons, unzips, and yanks down my pants. Out flops the Cockasaurus Rex, which dangles and bops her on the noggin. The women (and gay men) all gasp at the sight of my girthy appendage. I chase the girls in Bea's party around like a kid with a garden hose. Luckily the song runs out before I get too crazy. I'm dizzy and drunk from all the tequila. Still, I'm confident I've won Grandma over in the process.



"Put that thing away and uncuff me, you maniac," Grandma insists.

"Fuck, I don't have any keys. Sorry, you're stuck. Can you hold a bingo blotter in your mouth?"

"I have the keys, Mormon," Eric offers.



I take a bow and dress myself. I attempt to give Grandma a hug.



"Happy birthday, my dear."

"Thank you and, no, we don't hug. You may fist-tap me."



I oblige. As I turn to leave Grandma smacks my ass and hugs Bea.



"Was this your doing?" Grandma asks Bea.

"No, it was a surprise to me as well. Eric is responsible."

"Well, let's hope I win a few million dollars tonight. You go have fun at your party."

"I love you, Grandma."

"Love you too. Keep an eye on this one. He's seems to be a toy short of a Happy Meal."

"Ha! Will do."



Bea leads me out to the limo.



"You're coming with us."

"Oh, hell no. Not like this," I refuse.

"Please."

"I need a fucking nap."

"Just come with us to the bar and you can wait in the limo. I'll sneak out and we'll have a little fun."

"Now that sounds tempting."

"I have an idea for the next Olympic event."

"What is it?"

"You'll see."



We pile into the limo. Once downtown, they go into the club as I lie across the seats, hoping to sleep off the tequila buzz. Bea is last to leave. She bends down and kisses me.



"I'll be back in one hour, Uncle M. Make sure that strap-on is ready."



Oh, my.

Fifty Shades Effed - Chapter Seven

It's Bea's big night with her friends. Eric and his partner have been helping plan my surprise. I get the call saying she has left the office, so I drive there. As I pull up, I notice a pickup truck with a large present on wheels in the bed. Eric and Neil are strapping it down.



"I thought I was jumping out of a cake?" I ask out my Jeep's window.

"The cake was booked, Mormon. This will do just fine," Eric assures me.

"If you say so."



I reach under my passenger seat and extract the second Hustler bag, kept secret from my Lovergirl.



"What have you there?" Neil asks.



I whip out the Cockasaurus Rex as their eyes light up. I'm not sure if it's envy, arousal, or fear.



"In the words of Otter Stratton, 'She'll take this seriously,'" I exclaim while dangling the largest strap-on known to man (or horse, for that matter).



"Oh, my," the boys gasp in stereo.

"Sorry, fellas. Rex is unavailable this evening. He is to ride securely next to my leg, making all the ladies dewy with desire."

"Come inside and try on your outfit, Officer Clydesdale," Neil suggests.



Why haven't I learned to trust my instincts? Naturally, the police uniform is specifically designed for parades at which I would not dare leave the curb. The pants are faux leather with both ass cheeks cut out. There's matching navy, T-back underwear. The belt contains handcuffs and a whip, not a gun. The shirt pockets have flaps with nipple clamps. A somewhat normal cap and mirrored Ray-Bans are all I have left to hide under.



When I emerge from the bathroom to model the costume, Eric and Neil nearly convulse in laughter.



"Turn around, Mormon."

"No."

"Oh, come on," Neil encourages.

"I have hair on my ass, Neil. This won't do."

"We could shave you," suggests Eric.

"Stop, Lover. It's sexy, Mormon," Neil insists. "Men are supposed to have hair. I see the salami fit perfectly."

"Yum, yum," Eric teases. "Pass the Poupon."

"All right, knock it off before I change my mind. What's the plan?"



Eric informs me that a limo bus is taking the women barhopping downtown, and it will be best to do my thing at the restaurant they're meeting in for Happy Hour. He insists it won't be crowded. Neil has a Bose wireless speaker linked to an iPod to provide music for my routine.



"Climb into the box and we'll be on our way."

"What? Why can't I ride with you?"

"You'll be seen. Get in. It's only ten miles or so."

"Fine. Fetch thee my tequila for the ride. It's in the bag."



I sit Indian-style in the box. I barely fit. Luckily the ride isn't too bumpy. When we come to a stop, I lift the top to look around. I see the limo bus. Eric pushes the lid back down.



"Hey! No peeking. You'll be seen."

"Fuck. Fine. Hurry up."



Eric lifts the top a sliver again.



"What?"

"How much of that did you drink?"

"Three fingers, if you must know." I take another pull. "Make that four."

"Stay down until you hear the music begin. Shh."

"Got it."



Eric and Neil drop the door on the truck bed and lift out the large gift box. They roll me across the parking lot while I take one more swig. Their whispering and giggling is making me nervous. Once inside, I hear various muffled voices.



"Ladies, can I have your attention," Eric begins. "Miss, will you please have a seat right here. Thank you. And now ..."



Joe Cocker's "You Can Leave Your Hat On" begins blaring--my cue to begin. I stand and throw the lid off the box. I hear gasps. Oh, fuck! It's a bingo hall filled with senior citizens and seated in the chair in front of me, instead of my Lovergirl, is Grandma Aspinwald.