Mika Brzezinski's Blog, page 3

Sometimes You Have To Take A Step Back

The following is an excerpt from All Things At Once by Mika Brzezinski (published by Weinstein Books, January 5, 2010).

I'd been fired by CBS News in a semipublic way, and as the months went by, there was a perception that I was damaged goods. Mostly, what I didn't have going for me was the success I'd already achieved. Because I'd been working at a fairly high, fairly visible level, people in television invariably thought I would only consider a position at that same level. But I was realisti...

Losing Your Job And Learning What You're Made Of

Being unemployed has so many real and palpable ramifications but there are also psychological side effects which you can only understand if you've truly lived through it.



When you walk out the door, its over. No cell phone. No email address. Nothing.



Stripped of your link to the outside world. Many "friendships" from work evaporate, quickly, for all sorts of disappointing reasons. There is denial. Fake bliss. (I am so glad I am out of there! I am, I really am, What a mess that place was!) Then reality - You can't stop asking why.



You feel left out. The days get extremely long. You are cut off from the rest of the world. It continues on without you. People are busy, but for you, it is over.



You commit yourself to jumping back in and finding a new job. Pick the phone and start dialing contacts and each conversation brings you farther away from what use to be the center of your universe. What you do. What you used to be paid to do. Now no one will call you back.



They say they will. But you wait, for hours, days, weeks. Nothing. If you are lucky, a manager will actually tell you that they are not going to hire you after all.



Financial fears set in. Money starts to run out (if it already hasn't) Pressure. Fear. Rejection turns into low self-esteem and loneliness.



Weight gain. Tension in the household. And your status in that household has changed. Once a provider, now...what? You fear your status in the eyes of your spouse and children has changed.



What is your role? What should it be? How to organize your time when the day is long ...with too much time to think about the sadness of having been fired. Why did it happen? Could I have done anything to prevent it? Job interviews. How do you dazzle them when you are down?



I write in my upcoming book, "All Things at Once", due out in January, that I wore my "fired" label on my forehead. Having been dumped by CBS at the height of my career, with a "60 Minutes" and weened anchor contract, I simply had no explanation for prospective employers.



Used, tainted commodity.



I remember an interview so terrible with CNN's Jon Klein, I nearly blurted out, "Forget it, I am a loser!" But I didn't need to say it. My face and posture did.



So my solution was to start all over again. I was terrible at interviews, lost in my own loss of identity and struggling at home as a wife and mother. It was a household that preferred me working, which threw me off completely.



So I finally, (by begging), was offered a freelance day rate newsreader update job at MSNBC, a place where I had once hosted a three hour afternoon show eight years earlier. It was far from where I had been, but absolutely heavenly compared to being unemployed.



For me, it was great to just be back in the door. It led to a chance encounter and some lucky timing that puts me on the set of "Morning Joe" every day.



But after a year of sorting through all the disparate but very real psychological effects of unemployment, I will honestly tell you, that the cut-ins were just fine for me. It was good work where I could get it. And I never appreciated a job more than that one.



Starting over, the work may not be exactly what you want but it's work. And that in itself has special value. Hard to accept at first, but if you can take that first step back in the door, any step...its worth it

Losing Your Job and Learning What You're Made Of

Being unemployed has so many real and palpable ramifications but there are also psychological side effects which you can only understand if you've truly lived through it.

When you walk out the door, its over. No cell phone. No email address. Nothing.

Stripped of your link to the outside world. Many "friendships" from work evaporate, quickly, for all sorts of disappointing reasons. There is denial. Fake bliss. (I am so glad I am out of...

Work-Life Balance? Puh-leaase!

In my job, as co-host of Morning Joe on MSNBC and The Joe Scarborough Show on WABC radio, there are usually several days a week that are endless.

Absolutely endless.

This is not a complaint. I love the job. I am extremely lucky to have a job and thank God for that every day. But literally, some days do not have an end.

I am up at 3:30, reading the op-ed pages and getting ready to be on the air by 6 am on the set of Morning Joe, and after three hours of TV and two hours on the radio, it is only 1...

Work And Babies: Women Still Have To Pick Their Poison (But Men Are Evolving!)

For many women, going back to work a few months after having a baby is overwhelming and unmanageable.



As strange as it may seem, things get even more difficult for a working mom after the second and third baby arrive. By that time, the romance of being a modern "superwoman" wears off and reality sets in.



Mom is exhausted. Dad isn't getting a good night's sleep. And older kids feel neglected.



Dads who want to be equal partners too often fall short because there are certain things they simply cannot do for you -- like breastfeeding, sleeping, or even taking a shower.



The new mother starts to question herself and whether it is all worth it. And too often, the money just doesn't add up.



Too often, childcare, taxes and commuting expenses often negate a large chunk of a young mom's salary. At the end of each year, many stretched mommys will do what I did throughout my late 20s and ask why I worked so hard just for the glory of feeling guilty.



Was the paltry profit of an entry level job drained by childcare expenses really worth

missing out on so many cute moments?



And what is worth being so completely exhausted at the end of the week that you feel like you can't give your all to your children, your husband and your boss?



The weekends only add to a destructive mental spiral of "self-second-guessing," trying to run after toddlers and please a husband who just needs a moment of quiet, but doesn't feel like he can ask for it.



Tension builds. You just can't come up for air in a sea of worry and "to-do" lists that all revolve around fixing up a strained household in time to rush back to work on Monday morning.



It wasn't supposed to feel like this? Was it?



On so little sleep, the day-to-day race of trying to manage each hour and everyone's needs robs you of your ability to visualize your long-term goals in life.



You soon forget to ask what you want to do.



You soon forget to ask who you want to be.



You stop remembering all the effort your parents put into your childhood so you would grow up to realize your own great potential.



My best friend and I speak of this often. Over the past three decades, she and I have often been mistaken for sisters. We finish each other's sentences, wear the same hairstyle and laugh at all the same stupid jokes. We look and sound alike. If I had a sister, it would be her.



But we have made very different choices in our lives.



She juggles a five year old and two stepchildren. She has an MBA from BU and worked for ten years at a Fortune 500 company, but quit at a time in her life when the balancing act was simply too much for her family. She could quit.



His salary was sufficient. And juggling the logistics and cost of childcare just didn't make sense. It seemed financially and logistically stupid to stay at work. And on paper, it was.



Five years later, she wishes she had pushed through. While she is blessed with an amazing husband and children and a beautiful home on the water, she feels unfulfilled and regrets that she did not stick with her career. It is a decision that impacts her relationships and her view of herself. She hates that she is completely dependent on her husband for everything. It is a concept that is not that attractive to him either. He also feels helpless that he cannot fill that void. While it was hard for them juggling the baby, the kids, and the jobs, maybe today would be better for her if she had stayed at work.



And here's the key. She feels she was being told by society that women could have it all. She thought she could just "jump back in" later.



That, like many women I know, has turned out to be completely unrealistic. More importantly, it is a bad strategic choice.



We often talk about our very different paths because while she marvels at my ability to balance horrifically challenging job schedules, I marvel at her ability to remember my birthday and to write thank you notes.



After the second kid, it seems like a woman has to pick her poison. Suffer now, or take "a few years off" and pay later. Women need to know that "taking a few years off" can often lead to a permanent condition of dependence and loss of identity.



I want to make a realistic, BS-free argument for suffering now and "pushing through."



There are women who have no choice but to keep on keeping on at work for financial reasons.

There are also women who have the choice to "take a few years off" until the craziness dies down.



I am speaking to both of you.



For the record, I went back too early both times. The second time I paid a terrible price, a story I tell in my upcoming book, All Things at Once .



I realize that of all people, I am no expert on parenting or marriage. My story can inspire just as many women to dial back for fear of making similar mistakes.



Still, I want to put it out there because the conversation for women with newborn babies and careers is for right now, not later.



I suffered from a mild case of postpartum depression after my second child and the physical challenge of maintaining an overnight shift at CBS, a marriage, and two in diapers made the symptoms worse and everyone in the house paid the price.



But I am still glad I did it.



Today, my girls are 11 and 13 and while the household is still chaotic, it is nothing compared to those years after giving birth. My body and mind were out of whack and recovering. The needs of babies and toddlers were constant and drained the life out my sense of self and my family's relationship with each other.



But it's not forever.



Just as those adorable "mommy-moments" go away, so too does the over-exhaustion, the instinctive need to be in charge of your baby's every move, and the guilt.



What you are left with is you.



And by the time they are in school and beyond, what are you?



That question can damage your relationship with your life partner and your children just as much.



You also may need practical options as a family or on your own.



If you are haunted by decisions made in the throws of breastfeeding, weight gain and night terrors, you may actually be left with a bigger challenge; how to jumpstart your sense of self.



I have friends who struggle with this question and because of that, also struggle to maintain their relationships. Yes, I am talking about being mentally and physically interesting to the one you love, your life partner.



This may sound harsh, but when you step out of the career track, those attributes get harder to maintain. It is a risk you take and it is worth talking about openly.



Don't just assume that you will be the same cute, interesting girl who entered the work force and marriage ten years and three kids ago. That is the reality that many of my peers are coping with and it is not pretty.



It is also impractical to assume that your husband will always take care of you. It is just as foolhardy to think he will find your total dependence on him to be an attractive characteristic.



But there is some good news to report as I open myself up to another round of beatings on Twitter.



The attitudes of men seem to have really evolved on this issue. Over the past couple of years, four male friends and colleagues of mine have asked my advice regarding their wives and their apprehension toward returning to work in the months after the second or third child. Wondering how and why I did it. Looking for the right words to bring home.



And they have all expressed something completely new and different about how they feel. Each of them wanted their wives to go back, worried about exactly what I have expressed in this blog.



They also worried about finances because this economy poses risks that make them feel vulnerable. They need their wives to help secure the family's future.



But they also felt a worry their partners would regret the choice personally. I know two of them were encouraging their spouses to stick it out for her sense of self, and ultimately for the sake of the relationship. These guys were not thinking of the short term. They'd rather NOT have someone there to make dinner and get the dry-cleaning and change diapers and to make their lives run smoothly. They'd rather have a partner, with her sense of self in tact in the long run. Wow.. refreshing!



But ultimately it is a woman's dilemma. None of the options are easy. My contribution to the conversation is this. Strategically, women may want to "push through the pain." Get the kids out of diapers and into school before pulling the trigger on any decision, IF they have the luxury of choice.





For more go to www.morningmika.com

Work and Babies: Women Still Have to Pick Their Poison (But Men Are Evolving!)

For many women, going back to work a few months after having a baby is overwhelming and unmanageable.

As strange as it may seem, things get even more difficult for a working mom after the second and third baby arrive. By that time, the romance of being a modern "superwoman" wears off and reality sets in.

Mom is exhausted. Dad isn't getting a good night's sleep. And older kids feel neglected.

Dads who want to be equal partners too often fall short because there are certain things they simply cann...

Don't Forget to Have Kids -- Part II

Last week I let you know my thoughts on how children could fit into the lives of the professional woman.

Some were not amused.

"Not only is your post embarrassingly stupid," began one tweet, "it's offensive to anyone who believes in reproductive choice"

Thank God the many on twitter only have 140 characters to tell me what they really thought.

But many were grateful that I shared my own personal thoughts in my last blog "Don't Forget to have Kids".

What surprises me is the sheer volume of reactio...

Don't Forget To Have Kids

When I speak to young women about life lessons and TV career choices, I try to check off the basics of the business for them.

First, you have to love what you do.

Second, you have to be willing to start at the bottom and linger there until your moment arrives.

Third, you have to know when your moment has not yet arrived, even when others tell you it has.

Fourth, you have to be fearless and force yourself to get outside of your comfort zone.

Fifth, you must know how to make the most out of all y...

Getting Fired And How It Teaches You To Be A Better Parent

I was fired at the pinnacle of my career, on my 39th birthday. And in the year that followed, I learned that there are many psychological phases of being "let go."

By 38, I had a shiny new contract as the anchor of the Sunday evening broadcast; a correspondent spot on 60 Minutes Wednesday; and the possibility of co-hosting the CBS Evening News. It was great fun, and a huge steroid injection to the ego. My two girls were especially proud.

After all those years of hard work and dedication, it ...