Michael Offutt's Blog, page 145

IWSG December 2012 Edition

Boy, the fact that this blog fest by Alex rolls around so often makes me realize just how fast I'm aging. Before I know it, I'll be receiving the AARP magazine in the mail.

One of the weird insecurities that I experience when writing or getting involved in creative projects is that I kind of lose myself within them and become (for a short time) unhealthily obsessed. I don't know why this happens. And I think it's a state of mind that I enjoy while I'm in it, but when I look up from the computer or from whatever project I'm working on and realize, hey it's dark outside, that maybe this is not a good thing.

So I guess I'm insecure about losing myself or losing touch with the real world as I immerse myself in these fantasies that I create. The psychology of why I do this is probably even more disturbing, and I really don't want to be psychoanalyzed (yeah I'm gonna hide from the truth). But I'll at least have the guts to admit that maybe I am a little mentally ill. If I am, then maybe there are a lot of authors out there who are also mentally ill, and I'm in good company. If you're one of those writers...have you ever looked at yourself in the mirror and thought: am I insane?

Just to be clear. I don't want to be mentally ill. But it's a distinct possibility that I am. I think that some of the activities in which I engage are not what normal people do. But my life has never been normal. So I guess with all things being equal, I'll plug away at what I'm doing because (at least) I'm pretty decent at it.

And just maybe (and this is where I branch off into my own theories) this is why validation from other people is so important to writers. It's because we all think (deep inside) that we may be insane. And by having someone validate us, those fears are then put to rest. We become authors.

We're not crazy, we're just working.

That makes sense, right?

Have a great Wednesday.

The Magic of Christmas starts with snow

What kink will the Hivemind accept or ridicule?

CLICK TO EMBIGGEN!Dear reader,

I know you (like me) MUST be confused at what is proper to mock with abandon when it comes to kinks, fetishes, and sex. So I propose we develop a chart or list together that tells us what "The Hivemind" will accept.  That way we are on the right side of the line.  No one wants to be outside "The Hivemind", especially myself.
Imagine the embarrassment of making fun of light bondage when Fifty Shades of Grey is selling so well.  Who wants to be that person? You know...the only one to laugh at a joke while everyone else thinks you're an idiot.
I suggest we begin with the chart above. In the comments, please let us know which of these we can mock openly, ridicule, and say awful things about AND which ones are definitely reserved for respectful treatment.  
Have a great Monday.
P.S. I intend to submit our research to the Harry Potter fan fiction sites of the world. If you read Harry Potter fan fiction YOU KNOW EXACTLY what I'm talking about.

Pacific Rim just in time for Christmas

I'm so excited! This week Guillermo del Toro started releasing viral videos to help in the marketing of the kaiju fest that is Pacific Rim! OMG you must watch now. And check out the frickin' cool blueprints below. This movie just begs to be made into the greatest roleplaying game ever.Below you will also find blueprints taken from Screenrant. These are Jaegers. A Jaeger is a gargantuan robot that has two human pilots in the head with one controlling the left hand side and the other controlling the right. The Jaegers are what humans use to fight off the Kaiju in the movie Pacific Rim. And if you don't know what kaiju are, the word means "strange beast" in Japanese and is basically Godzilla, Mothra, and Gamera. You get the picture? You will find my analysis of each Jaeger design in the captions.
ABOVE: The Russian Cherno Alpha. I love the way the head looks. It's
kind of a cross between a cylon helmet and that of a knight's jousting helm
from the Middle Ages, only with huge cannons on the shoulders. ABOVE: The Japanese Coyote Tango. This looks like a smaller, swifter Jaeger.
My guess is that it is highly maneuverable and we can expect to see some
karate-style moves in this particular robot. ABOVE: The Chinese Crimson Typhoon. Note the multiple arms. My guess is that this
thing will break loose with some really awesome multiple arm spinning action
and probably flame throwers of some kind. I'm sure Kaiju will not like fire. ABOVE: The Australian Striker Eureka. This thing is gonna be a massive slice
and dice warrior Jaeger. Just look at those blades on its forearms. Plus the huge
reinforced chest makes me think we'll see some real pro wrestling moves from
this baby. ABOVE: Finally we have the American Gypsy Danger. It almost looks like the head
can recede into the body. The arms look like they have some kind of missiles in
them. But most of all, my eyes are drawn to that huge dish in the center. I bet
some kind of Death Star super laser comes out of that to totally melt faces.It's Pacific Rim just in time for Christmas. I hope you are looking forward to this movie as much as me. It's quite possible I may be more excited about this show than I was about Prometheus.
Have a great weekend. 

Breaking Dawn concept art looks really damn cool

Okay, I haven't seen Breaking Dawn Part 2 yet in the theater. But it is on my "to do" list along with "Lincoln." I was perusing io9 (one of my favorite websites) and came across this concept art. Those of you who follow and read my blog regularly already know that I like to dabble with art and that I own some art books. So naturally, I clicked on the concept art for the movie, and it looks pretty damn cool. I tried to read the original "Twilight" book in 2008. I went to the book store across the street and picked up a copy, and I remember really looking forward to it because it had to be an excellent book if so many people loved it. I remember feeling disappointed by it, and I stopped about a third of the way through. But I did go and see the first two movies. One of the things that I liked about Meyer's vampires are their strange powers. I hadn't seen that in other vampire books (aside from what I consider to be normal vampire powers). You do get some of that in Anita Blake but it's more or less reserved for ancient vampires. In Meyer's books, the vampires are more like super heroes, and I think that's just really cool.
My friend went to Twilight with his wife. He tweeted: @MichaelOffutt OMG. I paid for the whole seat #breakingdawn2 but only used the edge!
So have you seen Breaking Dawn 2? What do you think of this concept art? Did you like the way Meyer's vampires have super powers?

In America we are about to have our zen moment

Oh America, as we all head toward the fiscal cliff...the last week or so has left me with a lot to think about regarding the results of the election. Let's see, we have whiners who are signing online secession papers for their state, and the rhetoric from the right that is bent on saying democrats are creating an indebted nation for our young without so much as a nod to the fact that as George W. Bush (Republican President extraordinaire) left office in 2008 with an extraordinary legacy:
A downward financial spiral backed by predatory lending, legally sanctioned greed and pyramid schemes, and an economic policy to comfort the 1%.An America that was losing 750,000 jobs a month.An America with a GDP shrinking at 9%.A stock market collapsing and with it the retirement prospects of millions of people.An America ripe with Foreclosures and evictions and with whole neighborhoods emptied.An America caught in a grinding and unnecessary war in Iraq, which killed a hundred thousand Iraquis and 4000 Americans and further plunged us into debt.An America with Osama Bin Laden still at large.An America where banks as large as Lehman Brothers flat out died.
Ah but let's just blame all that on Obama, right? Well with the election over and Romney the Plutocrat buried under a landslide of electoral votes that did not go his way, I guess it's time to look at where the money is going to come from to repair some of this damage. Don't mind the dude that got elected campaigning on the fact that he was indeed going to raise taxes on the 2%. It's not like your used to listening to anyone with a different opinion.

However, you should.
Because dear republican, us democrats will keep you grounded in reality. Let's take a look at some of the latest talking points that have occurred this month:

Conservative: Raising taxes on the job creators will destroy America and hurt the economy.

Liberal: This is just a scare tactic. America for 80 years before the Bush era tax cuts had much higher taxes on the rich (capital gains) and a social safety net for the middle class (you can look this up). The Bush era tax cuts treat CEO's like Warren Buffett as if they were an endangered species like the bald eagle. Truth: job creation is never going away. If you have an idea that will make you a million dollars, and you know it for a fact, you will do anything to make that idea a reality because greed is that much of a motivator. If you aren't doing this, you're stupid or you don't have an idea that would pass on Shark Tank. It's okay to not have ideas. Just don't use that as an excuse. Most of America is filled with empty heads when it comes to business anyway. Most of us live mediocre lives. If you are 50 and still dream of making your first million, statistics are against you. Most millionaires do so before the age of 30. Sorry, but that's just how it is. Math hurts sometimes.

Conservative: Papa Johns founder and CEO will lay off workers because Obama has been re-elected because The Affordable Care Act will cost him too much money. 

Liberal: Another scare tactic. The math on what it costs the founder of Papa Johns to cover his workers with health insurance amounts to a million more pizza sales or raising the price a small margin on the cost of the pizzas. And he's giving away 2 million free pizzas in a commercial advertisement with Peyton Manning, anyway. The truth of this "claim" is that if the "job creator" of Papa Johns could outsource ALL of the pizza jobs to China, he would have already done so, and it would be called "Papa Sans."

Conservative: Hostess was killed by the greedy unions who are now besieging Wal-Mart, the great institution of American capitalism. Unions have a clear socialist agenda.

Liberal: Socialist? No. Unions are comprised of people who are tired of living on food stamps and eating Top Ramen and being forced to work on Thanksgiving, which is a nationally recognized holiday. Also, let's not forget the recent factory fire in Bangledesh that killed 150 people making garments for Wal-Mart. Maybe they could have used a union, and children who are now orphaned would still have parents. And when we look at Hostess, let's examine what really happened. Hostess had eight CEO's in the past ten years (bad management perhaps?). Hostess faced a continuous and significant decline as moms (yes you women out there) made a healthy choice to stop stuffing Twinkies in your kids lunch box and to opt for food fare that didn't include ingredients used in rocket fuel (yes Twinkies have this in them). Additionally, the last CEO of Hostess took a 300% increase to his wage after getting the union to accept a wage cut, dropping most of their workers to only $35,000 a year (which in my opinion is unacceptable). And then they wanted to cut even more out of the equation. Really? I suppose if that had gone through and the company didn't tank, the CEO would have wanted another raise.

My point (yes I do have one): I hope that there will be improved discourse between conservatives and liberals during Obama's second term. And stop with the secessionist talks. You lost. I didn't speak secession when my candidate Al Gore got defeated by yours in 2000 (even with all the fishy poll results in Ohio). Nope, I said he's my president even if I didn't vote for him. And then sat back and watched him proceed to financially rape our country.

Both parties need each other, even though we may hate what the other person is saying. Through open communication across the aisle, we may even find the best course to direct our country. But none of that can happen if people continue to be angry and shut their ears to what the other person is saying. Republicans and democrats are yin and yang, forever circling each other, and I think that is how it is supposed to be. In America, we are about to have our zen moment.

My prediction regarding the Iron Throne of Westeros

With the calendar about to turn to a new year in just a few short weeks, season 3 of "A Game of Thrones" really isn't all that far off. Recently io9 ran an article on the characters least likely to sit on the Iron Throne by the time Martin pens the last page of A Whisper of Spring which is tentatively the title for the last book (following The Winds of Winter due to hit shelves in 2015). So I'm taking my argument to you, dear readers, who are also fans of Martin's epic fantasy saga.
Daenerys TargaryenMy prediction: Daenerys Targaryen and Jon Snow.

Why? Daenerys is the last of the Targaryens, she is the blood of the dragon, and I think the coming of the dragons is going to be instrumental in the war against the Others (the White Walkers). And I think Jon Snow is a Targaryen. I think there's plenty of evidence written subtly into the narrative penned by Martin to suggest that Lord Eddard Stark could never be unfaithful to his wife. He was just too much of a goodie two-shoes that the whole "I'm a cheater" thing is really bothering me. I think that Jon's mother could possibly be Lyanna (who Robert Baratheon loved very much) and who was kidnapped by Rhaegar (called the mad king). What if the mad king raped her, and she bore a child, Jon, and then forced her brother, Eddard, to raise the child as her own on her death bed and to protect him so that no one would know he was a Targaryen?
Jon "You know nothing" SnowWhy it would be the greatest kept secret in Westeros. And that, I think, is brilliant.

So this is what I see happening. The kingdoms softened up by warring with each other no longer have the strength to withstand the White Walkers. The White Walkers march all over them with an army of wights at their back and keep heading south. The North falls. Then Daenerys shows up with her dragons and arms the men with dragon glass weapons and the might of old Valyria. And because Targaryens are known to intermarry, Daenerys and Jon Snow hook up and take the Iron Throne as king and queen.

And that is my prediction regarding the Iron Throne of Westeros. Thoughts anyone?

It kind of gives me goosebumps thinking that this may be what Martin is doing.

Analysis of The Walking Dead Season 3 Thus Far

"The Walking Dead" continuously surprises me. I used to think that any story in a zombie apocalypse could never be extended into a series because the monsters are one-dimensional. Boy was I wrong. The way in which Kirkman and his team of writers have developed this world for AMC is nothing short of genius. With the mid-season finale looming just a week away, season 3 has made me understand through subtlety so many things about a zombie apocalypse that truly make it an "end of the world" scenario.  Here's my analysis of high points we have witnessed thus far and what they mean to me:
In "When The Dead Come Knocking", Michonne finally meets Rick because she walks
up to the chain link gate carrying baby formula in a shopping basket in the midst of a
herd of zombies who can't see her because she is dressed in zombie blood and gore. It's
a chilling scene to see a woman so calmly approach the gate and to be so comfortable
around the reanimated dead. Verdict: Michonne may be the most insane person the zombie
apocalypse has ever produced and thus, the most suited to survive.1) The introduction of Michonne and the Governor, Rick losing his mind, the psychopath Merle, and the sociopath in Carl (Rick's son). My analysis: If you are normal like you and me, you cannot survive the apocalypse. Only people who are insane survive the end of the world, because insanity is the only psychological trait that is capable of dealing with legions of the undead. If you live for any length of time...if you are not insane, you will become insane. You can't escape it.

2) The death of Lori in childbirth. This was more  horrific than T-Dog's death, and it showed how far society has fallen. Women have not had to worry about death from childbirth for nearly a century. But throughout human history, it was a problem. Well with the episode that featured Lori's death, it's back and it's here to stay. Welcome to the stone ages again. The message to all women in the zombie apocalypse: getting pregnant just may be a death sentence.
In season one, this group didn't handle zombies well at all. There was lots
of panicking, screaming, and running. Now they don't even kill zombies if
the zombies are moving too slow. They don't even bother. They're treated
with the same indifference as a fly buzzing around. The ability to see such
things as merely a part of the scenery is disturbing because it's like they
no longer care or are shocked by anything.3) The reanimation. In season one, the CDC showed us through sophisticated computer technology that the reanimation occurred shortly after death, and that nothing of the former person remained. Yet, we also saw in season one that Morgan's wife turned the knob to their door as if she remembered her home even though she was one of the walking dead. Then in last night's episode, a scientist was trying to discover if a newly reanimated zombie would remember either its name or recall a picture of his family. These kinds of questions, though unanswered to this point, seem to beg of a greater existential one: why is this happening and what exactly is a zombie? Is it a new form of life? Or is it truly an undead creation with no memory of its past life? I also think it may have to do with religion. More appropriately...do humans have souls? And if they do and something is left behind, then what does that say about an afterlife? Maybe it says there is no afterlife at all for any of us and that a person's soul could remain earthbound in a rotting corpse forever.

It's been a fascinating series. I'll be sorry to see it go on hiatus for a few weeks until it starts up again in either January or February 2013.

In other news, did you purchase your PowerBall ticket? I happened to be in Idaho over Thanksgiving weekend and since they (unlike Utah) sell PowerBall, I bought a ticket. Biggest jackpot ever. May the best ticket win. Boy, would $425 million be a real life changer or what!

Have a great Monday.

Giving thanks from a serial narcissist

I made this turkey for you.

"Really?" you might say. "It's wonderful. I'll pin it on my fridge or display it on my door."

Even though I'm only eight, it makes me smile because it's the right thing to do. But in reality, I expect it, because let's face it, I cut colored paper up like no one's business. And my turkey is better than anyone else's turkey.

Here's a news flash for you. Nothing has changed between those days and now. I see right through you so don't even hide.

If you're a writer...you're like me. You started by making perfect cut-out turkeys in your grade school class. That's how it starts. That's how you get indoctrinated into the system and told your special. It's the other kids that ride the short bus.

Now that you're older, you drink chai or chocolate because either is the moniker of a sophisticated snob. But saying "chai" just makes you sound sophisticated. "Chocolate" doesn't have that effect.  You can thank Halloween for that because people give it away free to kids who dress up as a cow. There's no prestige in cows. Gateway has it all wrong.

You should thank a billion people in India for that. There's no sophistication to drinking chai in India as people consume it while wearing rags and riding on top of the train instead of inside it. But here in America, Starbucks can charge you $4.00 for a 20 ounce cup. Did you ever bother to ask yourself what $4 could buy you in India?
Liquid validation of your greatness.
No. Because you're a sophisticated snob like me. A morning for you, dear writer, upon the expectation of someone reading your words and leaving a comment may cause you to dirty yourself. The brisk winds of winter usher in that crucial moment where you stare at the sign and say, "Not the usual chai today. I'm getting the chai charger." All because the fifteen minutes you spent primping your hair is now ruined. COULD THIS DAY GET ANY WORSE?!

"Really?" asks the helpful coffee barrister (I like that word. It sounds so much better than clerk). "That's so...daring."

"I'm enslaved by nanowrimo and still have to stuff my turkey. I need 'daring.' It's a no holds barred day."

"What's a nanowrimo?"

HOW CAN YOU POSSIBLY ASK THAT?!

Wait. Calm yourself. This person doesn't get you. If the wind hadn't ruined your perfectly-coifed hair, you'd answer. "I'm writing a novel," you smile and say.  And then you go to the restroom to fix your hair while annoying person makes your chai charger.

But maybe it's not as simple as a wonderful blend of cardamom, cinnamon, and cloves. Maybe what you really want is Tazo because (and let's be honest) it's the best and you only deserve the best. That's why you own an iPhone. Because Apple tells you it's the best with their commercials and commercials never lie. And as for that clerk! They'd better not skimp on the espresso or you'll mooch even more off their WiFi access!

Revenge is a chai best served cold and on ice cubes and in a cup made from recycled plastic. I think Shakespeare said that.

But, and God forbid, what if it's a peppermint mocha day. The combination of refreshing mint and sweet chocolate in a red cup that tells you, "Yes, it is indeed Christmas. Ho Ho Ho and all that, lass." Because let's face it. You're a narcissist and you wouldn't know the season unless your publicist told you what season it was. And you don't need to be rich to have a publicist. If you know where to slum, you can get one for thirty bucks who can spell your last name right half the time. But you get what you pay for, and that's America!

So from one writer to you (who I expect to read everything I write, who I expect to purchase my books and shower praise upon me with five stars) have a great Thanksgiving!

I'll be back on Monday. Until then, frequent your Starbucks, down your chai and chocolate, conquer your nanowrimo, and remember the mantra of every writer: "My colored paper turkey is better than yours, and you better post it on your sidebar, dammit!"

And maybe think of a blogfest or two that nobody needs.

Adieu :)

Another picture of Jordan from Oculus and my first Oculus review

CLICK TO EMBIGGEN AND SEE DETAILS!This weekend I didn't feel like writing so I drew another picture of Jordan from Oculus. I have no idea what kind of background to use, and I absolutely suck at backgrounds so it may stay this way for a while. If you look at my other art, it's usually a wall or some trees (because trees are easy). I just didn't want to draw trees. I really need to try and expand my absolute hatred of all things scenery. It's just...I HATE DRAWING SCENERY. It's soooo boring. But I know I know...it anchors the picture.

I sooo need a partnership with someone like Rusty Webb who can whip up the most amazing landscapes and backgrounds.

Anyway, this picture came of me desiring two things. I wanted to put slight freckles on Jordan's skin. I thought they turned out great. I also wanted to satisfy my leather jacket fetish. I loved doing the leather jacket! It was so much fun. And note, I even colored his teeth and put texture on the cuff of his right arm from the dress shirt he's wearing under the jacket.

I don't know why I can spend hours drawing a guy and all of his clothes, but I absolutely dread the background. It's another reason why I'll never be a real artist.

If you think of a background that might be cool to try, you should let me know. I just...don't want to do trees. He should be indoors, because he's barefoot.

This drawing was done using coloring pencil on illustration board. You may pin it, or use it if you like. Just give me credit.

Oculus also got reviewed. You can read it for yourself HERE.