Michael Offutt's Blog, page 115

Shark wranglers are either insane or stupid and yet they capture some amazing footage

I've been glued to the screen this week because...Shark Week! I mean what else is there? Afterall it's the middle of the summer, and it's not like Game of Thrones is on television with new episodes. So with that out of the way, I want to talk about Air Jaws, and how I seriously question the sanity of the people involved. In the below excerpt, a guy named "Dickie" (yes his name really is Dickie and if he were to introduce himself to you at a bar he'd say "I'm a shark wrangler" as if that's a thing...). So in Air Jaws, our hero Dickie boards "Parthenope" which is basically a 14-foot female shark decoy that they created. Oh and they tow it behind the boat on what looks like a kite string. You've just got to watch the video to understand, but as I was watching it I was saying to myself, what's wrong with these people? The point of this exercise is to find "Colossus," a giant shark that's around 18-feet-long that they previously recorded two years ago breaching from below to eat seals. But as you view the video, please ask yourself the following question: "If this was in my job description, would I do this?" In the same episode, another of the "shark wranglers" named Fallows descends in the WASP, which stands for Water Armor Shark Protection (but honestly it looks like a flimsy cage) so that he can watch a gang of HUGE great whites. Again, why would you do this? If you watch the video, you'll see him reach his arm out of the cage and actually grab hold of a big shark's nose so he can turn it aside. It's insane.I just don't have the balls to do any of this. But I guess there's a part of me that's in awe of these guys for being so fearless. Shark wranglers are either lunatics or stupid and yet, they capture some amazing footage.

This Rob Lowe trailer treats Shark Week like a boss

This Rob Lowe trailer for Shark Week is over the top fun as he's #likeaboss riding a pair of sharks like skis. As a caveat, I'm terrified of sharks. I got scarred by seeing Jaws when I was way too young to be watching sharks chomp people in half. Now, I understand that they perform a necessary duty for the ecosystem, but I don't think there's ever going to be a time when I choose to go swimming in their food bowl, a.k.a. the ocean. These predators are so finely honed to smelling blood that they can detect a single drop in an area the size of an olympic swimming pool. And apparently, they like to eat things with a high concentration of body fat (which is another reason for me to stay out of their food bowl).

I plan on watching "Shark of Darkness: Wrath of Sumbarine" which I hope is not given the megalodon docudrama treatment from 2013. If you don't watch "Shark Week" (sharks aren't for everyone?), last year Discovery aired a fake documentary about megalodon supposedly still being alive (and not extinct). Well this year, they are highlighting a famous shark dubbed "Submarine" by the locals. Submarine is the name of a 70-year-old legendary shark that haunts the South African waters, has been sighted numbers of times, and eye-witnesses claim its a 35-foot-long great white. Oh yeah...it's eaten a lot of people. Just to give you a little perspective, Jaws was only 25-feet-long in comparison. So this thing, if it's real, would be the size of a huge bus.

Here's the schedule for the rest of the week:

Monday:
9 PM Jaws Strikes Back
10 PM Monster Hammerhead

Tuesday:
9 PM Alien Sharks: Return to the Abyss
10 PM Lair of the Mega Shark

Wednesday:
9 PM Zombie Sharks
10 PM Spawn of Jaws: The Birth

Thursday:
9 PM I Escaped Jaws 2
10 PM Sharkageddon

Friday:
9 PM Megalodon: The Extended Cut
10 PM Megalodon: New Evidence

Saturday:
9 PM Great White Matrix
10 PM Megalodon: New Evidence

The Theory of Everything makes you consider that Stephen Hawking wasn't always crippled with ALS and had dreams just like the rest of us

I had no idea that anyone was considering making a Stephen Hawking biopic, so when I saw this trailer on io9 for the first time two days ago, I was stunned because he really is one of my living heroes, not only as an atheist but because he's so brilliant that it's difficult for me to comprehend his intelligence (and that in itself is awe-inspiring). I suppose November can't get here soon enough. And you know, it's about time we celebrated a scientist of Hawking's caliber. Afterall, a mind like his comes along only once in a lifetime. If you haven't seen the trailer, you should take the time to do so because it's awesome to see a young Stephen Hawking in love. And remember "Hope is Everything. Life is Everything. Love is Everything. There should be no boundaries to human endeavor. However bad life may seem, while there is life, there is hope."

My insecurity about blogging leads me to give advice about blogging.

Yesterday, I got an email from fellow blogger and writer buddy, Michael Ignacio, and he wrote,

Hello there. It's been a long time. I am trying to return to the world of blogging after being away for so long. I wanted to connect with you because you were kind to me before. I have finished several great projects and realize I need to blog in order to gather more support. I know you are very successful and I would like to seek advice from you from time to time in order to become a better blog jedi like you. Thank you for showing me kindness before.

But here's the thing: I've never really thought of myself as a successful blogger (do others think I have a successful blog?). But I guess to him, I was successful (how does one define success?), which kinda highlights an insecurity I have about writing. But because of his kind email, I felt the need to respond. Here's what I wrote:

Thank you for the kind words regarding blogging. I don't really call myself "successful" as my blog only generates about a thousand pageviews a day. The blogs that actually make money generate 100X that on a daily basis, but here's my advice if you want "genuine" traffic and not just authors hitting you back because you visited their blog and now they're under an obligation to visit yours:

1) Content is king. The more often you blog the better your search results will be (super successful blogs that generate a million views a day generally post ten times a day). And you want as much original content as possible. Posting ten times a day is unrealistic for one person, however, if you got a website together (like io9) with a bunch of other people, you could totally do that. Also keep in mind that when a blog launches for the first time, it needs content right away. Website io9 that I use as a "go to" example of blogging done right launched on day one with 400 articles.

2) Make big titles for your blog. You can look to mine as an example. Titles give you more keywords to strike google optimization results and drive traffic to your blog.

3) Get your blog linked on other blogs and on other websites. Work out a deal with site administrators. The more places where your blog is featured, the more your online importance moves up as far as algorithms are concerned (algorithms that drive search results).

4) Know your audience. Blog about things that interest your audience. Try to offer something of value that isn't being said by a million other people at the same time. Blogs about writing are a dime a dozen. You want your blog to be a destination and not a chore to visit.

5) Be realistic about what you want. If you just want to connect with authors, I honestly think having a simple website that features examples of your work, links to your books and your projects, and an occasional blog post would be perfect. To connect with others visit their pages, and then they'll know who you are and will help you out if you require their assistance. Connecting with authors is all about "tagging," meaning I tag your article with a meaningful comment and then I expect you to tag mine at some point. It's a back and forth thing, or quid pro quo for lack of a better term. 

6) Write, write, write. Write some articles, write some books, and keep writing and keep publishing it all. The most important thing is to always write.

So yeah, my insecurity about blogging led me to give advice about blogging. Irony much? Today's post is part of the Insecure Writer's Support group. Go here to sign up because it's a great way to connect with fellow authors, and...you know...blog. :)

Today I review Mermaid by Kate O'Connor and tell you that this is a book I really like

I recently had the pleasure of reading the novella, Mermaid, by Kate O'Connor. My review, much like this work, is short. The "TL;DR" version is that I absolutely loved it. But the longer version is that as a story, there were (what I thought) "echoes of Ariel" from the well-known Disney animated film The Little Mermaid, but with a much darker and definitely sadder outcome.

I also want to admit that I was at first skeptical. I mean...mermaids as a subject (at least for me) are inherently uninteresting. Maybe it has something to do with the fact that I don't really like fish all that much. But whatever the reason happens to be, the fact is that Mermaid is my first go at reading a story of this kind, and Ms. O'Connor did several things right.

First, I was impressed at how grounded in science the mermaid biology was. Second, I loved the world that O'Connor created envisioning underwater farms being cared for by living drones who had sentience, but were not accepted by their human overlords as anything outside of corporate property. There is much to admire in the way the tale unfolds as the world is rich in lore and possibilities, even if the star of this particular story is unable to continue beyond its pages.

And that's why, ladies and gentlemen, if you are looking for a read that's filled with depth and imagination, I highly recommend you grab a copy today.

Have a great Monday
Mark it "To Read" on Goodreads by going HERE.

Under the Dome uses crisis management to lurch from episode to episode and this is just predictable and boring

I think Under the Dome, at least for me, has jumped the shark. This television series, which airs on Monday night, continued what has to be some kind of "alien experiment" that started in season one. Now, I haven't read the enormous book that is the source material for this show. But the reason I say it has to be an "alien experiment" is because...well what else could it be? King, who is the mastermind behind the show, has given little to no evidence that there is magic in this world. In fact, it's pretty close to ours, even employing a scientist to explain away events that are occurring "under the dome" from the red rain to the plague of butterflies.

And I suppose that "realization" that it is just aliens screwing around with humans to see how they would react if isolated from others of their kind is just stupid because humans don't act any differently when they aren't under a dome. I know that the whole "shock" is supposed to be at how cruel human beings are to each other. That at the end of the day, the monster you should be fearing is your neighbor. But here's the thing: without any kind of dome humans visit the absolute worst atrocities on one another anyway.

You want examples? Let's look at Chicago, which periodically vies for most violent city in the nation with its many gun shootings and murders. Or let's go out of the U.S. to Mexico and see what drug cartels are doing to people. Or let's go abroad to Syria and look at how the dictator, Assad, treats his people. How about North Korea? Yeah, I'm pretty much sure that cruelty and fear of cruelty is what keeps everyone in line. Ever hear of the Killing Fields? Ever wonder what took place at Auschwitz? What about on the top of an Aztec temple? What happened there? My point is that if aliens needed evidence that humans are cruel, all they had to do was observe the world for a single day.

So what does that leave for aliens to discover about the people living "Under the Dome?" In my opinion: nothing that couldn't be observed anywhere else. In a way, the television show is even more annoying with the dome than it would be without it. The Dome compresses what could be a "meh" moment into busy work, and we as viewers are expected to swallow these "challenges" as a substitute for actual story telling. Here's an example of what I'm talking about: a building has a fire so everyone has to come together to put out the fire because they all live in a dome and there's nowhere to go. Everyone starts running out of food so they've got to figure out how to allocate resources. And on and on and on. Each episode is just the "challenge of the week." You could do this kind of thing forever and keep a series like this going forever, but it's not really stimulating. Here, I'll give it a whirl: someone goes missing and the town folk have got to spend all episode finding said "missing" person. But what to do next week? Oh I know...town folk find "missing person" and they are dead. So now we can have a whole episode on how said person ended up dead.

The first season of this show, I was intrigued. But now, it just drags on and on and is nothing more than the most basic methods of storytelling: cause and effect. I guess that the people that continue to watch Under the Dome either don't expect much from their programming and just want to watch an episodic t.v. show that lurches from crisis to crisis with some kind of eventual "alien" money shot, or they are just die hard fans of Stephen King (which I am not). I guess that's maybe why this show runs in the summer, because there's very little competition for it in its chosen time slot and rather than be bored on a Monday night, I've been tuning in with the hopes that it'd get moving and that eventually I'd like one of the characters.

Ah well. With August here, the fall tv season is just around the corner.

Voldemort tried to kill Harry with the Killing Curse at least five times and that's just dumb

You know that villain that's supposed to be supercool because they are just a complete badass? For me, it wasn't Voldemort, who (quite frankly) would have been better served with a knife or a gun. After all, if you want someone dead, you could be forgiven for thinking that there is anything more lethal than a gun. Even the Winchester brothers knew this in Supernatural, when they found a gun capable of killing God in season two. So below are listed all the times Voldemort used "The Killing Curse" (and feel free to correct me if I'm wrong):

1) When Harry was a baby.
2) In the Goblet of Fire book following Cedric Diggory's death at the graveyard (it didn't work because of something called priori incantatum).
3) When Harry was fighting Voldemort in the Department of Mysteries, he attempted to use the Killing Curse again. It was prevented when Dumbledore arrived and animated a golden statue to cover Harry and shield him from the curse.
4) When Voldemort tried to kill Harry in the Forbidden Forest (Narcissa Malfoy lied to Voldy saying Harry was dead in the hope of being able to be reunited with her son Draco).
5) And again in the final battle where his spell rebounds upon himself, which at this point is just stupid because it sure as hell would have occurred to me that using this particular spell will probably not work since it hasn't worked during the last four times I tried it.

Seriously. How many times do you need to try and do something and it doesn't work and then you just keep trying to do it the same way? Anyway, it's not that I think these books or this story is particularly bad. It's just that I think Voldemort had an IQ of about 80, which means that despite all of his supposed natural talent, he really should have been riding the "short train" to school.

Thoughts? I know all of you "Lovers of Harry Potter" are probably in shock out there that I would dare call J.K. Rowling's penultimate villain "stupid," but get over it. At the end of the day, Voldemort was as dumb as a box of rocks.

Those transparent computer screens you see in Avatar are headed to a retail store near you.

My brother who's kind of an expert in all things "cutting edge" sent me an email earlier this month about giant rollable televisions that are coming from LG. The flexible screens feature super high resolution, are paper thin, and one of the two that's going to be released is so flexible it can be rolled into a 3 cm diameter tube. Seriously. Just check out the picture below:
LG also stated in the report that it is confident that it will produce a 60-inch (152 cm) Ultra high definition rollable television by 2017, which we all know is just around the corner. Below is one that actually premiered at the Consumer Electronics Show in January 2014 (in Las Vegas). Pretty nifty, right? Just imagine an iPad that you could fold out into a 16-inch screen and you realize only a small portion of the technological potential here. In addition to the flexible screen, they are also making transparent ones. I remember the first time I saw transparent computer screens. It was in the movie, Avatar and I thought, wow those monitors are really cool. However, I do tend to wonder if you see something through the screen, would it distract from what's actually on the screen? I don't know if that would necessarily be a good thing or a bad thing. I'm glad I live in an era of nifty technology. It makes life fun. Oh hell yes. The future is now. Me likey (Scene from the movie Avatar)

Miranda Hardy and Jay Noel want to tell you about Death Knocks. Are you ready?

This is the week that Miranda Hardy and Jay Noel are doing their cover reveal for their upcoming young adult paranormal thriller due to be released on September 26th, 2014. What do you think? Pretty creepy, right?

I think I first heard of the phenomenon of the "black-eyed kids" from author Sarah Falen's blog (but don't quote me on that as I did a brief google search for it and can't find it). Sarah writes these posts about strange and weird things happening all around the world. The story I remember (and it could have been from her blog) was about kids knocking on doors and asking to be let in and they're wearing these black contact lenses to try and creep out adults.

Anyway, let the book speak for itself in the following blurb:

Who knew a knock at the door could rupture your entire world? They don’t demand money or possessions…they want much more than that, they want your life.

Maverick is preparing for senior year: he’s no longer stuck in the “friend-zone” with the girl of his dreams, he’s looking forward to choosing the right college and being on his own, and he plans to have a blast along the way.

But a knock on the door changes all of that forever.

Maverick begins a mind-altering, life-changing journey to discover the truth—a truth that certain individuals will do anything to keep hidden.

Death Knocks is a Young Adult paranormal thriller about the strange global phenomenon known as the Black-Eyed Kids. Take a creepy and exciting ride in a world where myth meets reality.

Death Knocks is scheduled for publication on September 26, 2014 by Quixotic Publishing.

Quixotic PublishingMiranda HardyJay Noel

I am taking a one week break from blogging. I'll see you again on Monday, July 28th.

Microsoft's decision to fire thousands of workers is just one sign that careers are becoming extinct

Microsoft's new CEO as of February 2014 is Satya Nadella. He replaced
Steve Ballmer who has gone onto retirement with the many billions of
dollars he earned in his lifetime as Bill Gates' partner in crime.The big financial news that came out of the tech sector yesterday had to do with Microsoft. You see, in what some may call a rambling memo Microsoft began the first of a wave of layoffs that would eventually cull 18,000 from its workforce (or around 14%) as ordered by Microsoft's new CEO, Satya Nadella.

Although the news has reported on layoffs from big companies before, this one struck me as particularly telling because it's the first time in my life that I was tuned into the stock market. Here's what I discovered: while everything else was essentially down across the board in a broad sell off across all sectors because of the Boeing 777 that got shot down near the Russian border (killing 295 people) and instilling anxiety in everyone (including myself), Microsoft was up over a percentage point. In other words, stockholders were celebrating what is perceived to be a good management move...celebrating "party style" to the tune of around a million dollars for every employee thus axed from the roster (when you factor in shareholder value). Deplorable? Well that's capitalism.

So why do I find this particularly telling/revolting? Well my career is in government. I assist clients who are in the federal vocational rehabilitation program; in other words I help the unemployed find jobs. I work with professionals at Workforce Services and Vocational Rehabilitation counselors who all strive to do the same thing: to find people jobs so that they can have stability in their lives. It's a part of the American dream, right? But here's the thing: I think we're all deluding ourselves because jobs (now more than ever) are hard to find, however, work is readily available. So what's the difference between a job and work? Well that gulf is huge and believe me, I'd rather have the former than the latter. Allow me to elaborate.

I was raised to believe that a steady job with a stable employer is what I should strive for and my dad thought that if I worked hard, I could accomplish this goal just like he did (and he was right). However, I thank my lucky stars that this happened because I know many people that aren't/weren't so lucky. I think my archaic notions of a steady job and a stable employer are an endangered species. It has become irrelevant thanks to a new reality wrought by globalization, technology, and a culture where stability has given way to rapid unpredictable change.

The new workforce has more similarities to The Hunger Games than it does to the archaic view of what myself and my parents might call "a job." Companies now hire for tours of duty where you are expected to churn out results at a grueling pace. Every day one spends in this new reality you are forced into the role of a pit fighter who must go to battle against others in order to see who gets/deserves a job tomorrow. To pick on Microsoft once more, here's the message you can read between the lines in that now infamous memo that axed so many jobs from the ledger of the Seattle-based "job creator":

"You have no right to keep a job any longer than we can profit from your efforts."

In fact, the message could be even harsher as all an employer needs to axe you is a perception of underperformance (whether or not it can even be proved). This rings particularly true in a "right to work" state such as Utah.

Inevitably, all of this leads me to seek answers for questions that continuously fill my head regarding our society (and I'm afraid I won't like the answers). What happens to older workers? It's a scientific fact that older workers are not as productive as younger ones because the brain is succumbing to age. Is there no security for old folks? Does loyalty to a company account for nothing anymore? And what about talent? No matter how talented you are, there is always someone better out there. There is always someone brighter and faster. If that person comes along and wants your job, does that mean you need to find work again? Moving costs money and destroys wealth. Always having to start over someplace becomes harder and harder as people get older. And what about the people who were never very bright to begin with? Are they just screwed from the get go and sentenced to a life of scrubbing toilets and living paycheck to paycheck?
Sometimes I wish I'd been born a few decades earlier, in simpler times, when jobs were plentiful and the U.S. was all about helping each other, about community, and no one was poor or grotesquely rich. But if wishes were fishes the sea would be full, right?