Dan Smith's Blog, page 21

Snow and Monsters

It's still coming down like it's never gonna stop. There's an eerie quiet outside and everything looks beautiful, but there's a monster on the lawn.

We were going to build a snowman, which would have been much more festive, but the snow was all wrong. I once heard that Inuits have an unsually large number of words for 'snow'. I'm pretty sure it's an urban legend – like the one about Zulus having a large number of words for 'green' – but there's a case to be made. I'd never really thought about the different kinds of snow, but . . . well, waddayaknow? Up until now, ours has been light and fluffly and powdery. Thus the low profile monster rather than the proud snowman. Last night changed all that, though. Last night, amid the bizarre thunder and lightning, we had a fresh fall of the heavy wet stuff. Srange that it came with the long, bright flashes of lightning and thunder that seemed to roll on forever. I even started to think it was a plane passing overhead, but no, it was definitely thunder.

Well, the schools are closed – though they didn't think to let us know – and the children are at home, so we had a bit of a research fuelled trudge out onto the green. They, of course, loved it; it's exciting, isn't it? A day off school, playing in the snow. My wife though? She quickly decided it was time to go home. She's not a snow person.

One other thing. I took out the tape measure and, for the first time ever, I've been able to tell my wife we have 13 inches.

Sorry.

Related Articles

Twitter's snow map | Media Monkey (guardian.co.uk)
Britain in big freeze with most snow since '93 (msnbc.msn.com)
"UK Forecast: More heavy snow showers – Severely cold by night, Nov 28 – 16:45″ and related posts (weatheronline.co.uk)
"Week ahead: Severely cold with snow – Risk of heavy accumulations, Nov 28 – 09:00″ and related posts (weatheronline.co.uk)
Abominable Snowman (socyberty.com)

There might be snow

Well, they said we might get a bit of snow . . . they say that, don't they? After the whole 1987 hurricane in Kent fiasco, they always hedge their bets. There might be snow. There's a chance of rain. There could be gusty winds. There's a possibility of snow.

Well, snow we have. And lots of it. Which is working well for me, actually, because the novel I'm writing at the moment is snowbound and rather than have to turn inwards and go to what my wife calls Danworld, I can just look out of the window and get all the inspiration I need. It's beautiful. The fresh white fall.

Here's a few pics I've just snapped in the garden if you're interested. If you're not, well, look away now.

Incidentally, I was in Kent in 1987 when the hurricane struck and I can remember lying in bed listening to the tiles being lifted from the roof of my boarding house. The following morning we had to go to breakfast in shifts because half of the school dining hall was unusable. I seem to remember that a tree had fallen through it, but I could be wrong. If any of my old school friends are reading this, I'm sure they'll confirm or refute.

Click to view slideshow.
Related Articles

Britain's worst November freeze for 17 years is on its way! (dailymail.co.uk)
Snow hits Scotland and north-east (guardian.co.uk)

Meet Dan Smith

A short and simple post to let you all know that I'm going to be at Washington Town Centre Library on Monday 6th December at 5:45 to talk about Dry Season. Why not come along?

Oh, and its not the Washington in America.

Yet.

See you there.

 

Don't peak too soon

Well, he didn't disappoint last night, did he? Baggs. Baggsy. The Brand. He's kept his head down for the past few weeks but last night he leapt up and ran across no man's land naked and unarmed. A one-man charge that revealed everything in his arsenal.

He was all we could have wanted. Rude, bullish, incompetent, insulting, ridiculous, selfish and . . . masculine. Oh so very masculine. In fact, I could almost feel his masculinity from my sofa – as if he'd employed some Uri Geller-like trick. I half expected spoons to start bending in the drawer.  But those lucky ladies on his team, eh? Quite a priviledge to work with an adrenaline junkie, brimming with testosterone and – keep up you oldies – capable of keeping everything in his head. No need for pens and paper in Baggsland, just a supersized brain and well honed gut-instinct. Brilliant.  And the suggestion that anyone in their thirties is virtually ready for the old folk's home . . .

The only disappointment was that his team won. I would've loved to have seen the stand off between Baggsy and Lord Sir Sugar Alan Lord. Sir. But then, it would peaking too soon wouldn't it? It would be like X-Factor without the spectre of Katie Waissel (still not sure why the public dislikes her so) or Spangly Come Dancing without the right-wing-tory-turned-national-teddy-bear.

After that kind of entertainment, it'll be a shame to see him go.

Separated at birth?

Related Articles

The Apprentice: Why Stuart Baggs wins despite a lack of authority (telegraph.co.uk)
The Apprentice, BBC One, episode seven, review (telegraph.co.uk)
Last Night's TV: The Apprentice/BBC1 Edwardian Farm/BBC2 (independent.co.uk)

Satan's little helpers

I've had a few jobs in my time – mostly pretty dull stuff – but as we head towards Christmas, I always get to thinking about the job I had for the longest. I was one of Santa's helpers. At least, that's how some people used to see it.

'You're so lucky,' they would say. 'It must be like Christmas all year round.'

Yep. All. Year. Round.

Don't misunderstand me, though. I love Christmas. I love the build-up of exciting the children, the family visit to the panto, the carols, the decorations, the food, the family gathering . . . all of it. But that job – no, it wasn't Christmas all year round. It was a job, probably much like any other project based office job of crunching numbers and making lists and organising and making sure everything is finished on time and gets to where it's supposed to be going. We had an impressive showroom and year-round Christmas songs, but there's only so much excitement to be had from sitting at the same desk day in day out, looking at the same face opposite you. No offence intended about that face, mind you, Gary is still a good friend of mine.

But the end of October was like D-day. That was when 'all hell broke loose' (to use an anti-Elmore phrase). You see, the company designed and installed massive Christmas displays. The kind you see in your local super-mall. And while I spent most of the year costing and tracking the projects, the end of the year was (dramatic music) INSTALLATION TIME. And INSTALLATION TIME was something more suited to Satan than Santa.

Those decorations weren't going to put themselves up, so in the chilly months of October and November, teams are sent far and wide, followed by trucks and gear, lifting machines and platforms, all ready to bring Christmas cheer to the general public. Night shift in the cold and empty silence of shopping malls is a strange thing. Like . . . hmm . . . like Dawn of the Dead. Only wthout the zombies and the guns. Well, actually, some of the team members could occasionally be mistaken for zombies and I imagine some team leaders would've like to have been armed, but that's by the by. I actually managed to escape the full horror of being on a team most years, instead being kept back at 'base' to firefight the problems and assist/placate shouty, teary team leaders at three o clock in the morning, but then would come the summons to the office -

'Dan,' my boss would say. 'What are you doing this evening?'

'Er, now?' I look at my watch to see it's already eight o clock. I'm thinking I was going to go home to my wife and newborn.

'Yes. How would you like to drive up to Aberdeen for me to drop some kit off?'

'Err…'

Cut to Dan climbing into a high-top transit. It's pouring down outside.

Anyway, I've been to a couple of the local malls recently and I can say that some of those decorations are looking fantastic. The immense, hand-made reindeer in MetroCentre is stunning – I see it adorns the cover of Accent Magazine this month, too.

So next time you're in the mall and you're looking at the decorations and (hopefully) enjoying them, spare a thought for those tired teams who have put it all up. Oh, and remember, when January comes, the poor buggers have to come back and take it all down again.

Footnote: I was going to put a picture of one of Santa's helpers on this post, so I searched Google Images for 'Santa's helpers'. Hmm. See what you get. Mostly it's women in very skimpy Santa costumes.

Waverton Good Read

So it seems DRY SEASON has been nominated for a 'Waverton Good Read Award'. It's always nice to be nominated for something . . . well . . . anything . . . so I did a litle searching on Google and found some more information. The award was founded in 2003 and is aimed at stimulating reading and encouraging British Writers – only debut novels published within the year of the award are eligible – and it is judged by readers in the village of Waverton, Cheshire. Apparently the award is based on Le Prix de la Cadière d'Azur, a literary prize awarded by a village in Provencal, which the founders of the Waverton Good Read Award have tried to replicate. There have been six previous winners including 's 'The Curious Incident of the Dog in the Night-time', Paul Torday's 'Salmon Fishing in the Yemen', and Tom Rob Smith's 'Child 44'.

I can't be sure that there aren't other awards like it, but I haven't heard of any; the award isn't voted for by a panel of literary judges, but by the readers themselves. And the manner in which it is done has a lovely feel to it – a number of dedicated readers read the debut novels submitted by publishers, scoring them and whittling them down to a shortlist of 5 books which are then distributed around the village for everyone to read. Then ballot papers are sent out, votes are cast and collected and the winner is announced. Isn't that great?

Anyway, after my research, I received an unexpected email inviting me to Waverton to talk about DRY SEASON. Naturally I accepted and I'll be visiting the village on 10th January next year.

It's always nice to be asked to talk about your book rather than have to press it on people!

Reality Check

There comes a point in any reality TV show's life when it becomes less interesting. I'm not really a fan of reality TV – I have to hold my hand up to The Apprentice and X-Factor (this year) – but generally I watch them to see people make arses out of themselves. X-Factor loses most of its draw for me when we get to the live shows because by then most of the bad stuff is behind us (Wagner excepted). The live show is just a continuous stream of people singing other people's songs moderately well. It becomes a kind of Saturday night variety show where the public can spend their money by giving it to Simon Cowell voting for someone who will eventually be kicked out, or by downloading mediocre songs. I mean, seriously, Wagner? He's never going to be a pop star is he? It just highlights the fact that the show is about entertainment, not music or finding future stars. So maybe that's why he should win – that would put the cat among the pigeons, expose the X-factor for what it really is, and give Simon Cowell's manipulation of the music industry a kick up the backside.

The Apprentice has the same kind of curve, with the first few episodes spotlighting those who are going to give us the most TV worthy moments. Stuart 'The Brand' Baggs please stand up. But then they either cotton on to the fact that they've been marked and so keep their heads down and stop saying idiotic things, or they get fired and are gone from our lives forever. And so the show settles down, the candidates are evenly matched and the chances to laugh at other people's mistakes falls away – and that's what we watch for, right? We don't watch it to see their business prowess, we watch it to see them screw up. We want to see them bicker and bite and battle in the boardroom where, apparently, all bets are off.

And as for Strictly Come Dancing? Ach. Too spangly for me. That whole thing feels like it's going to melt my eyeballs.

So what have we got to expect from X-Factor and The Apprentice? More of the same from X-Factor, I reckon. Matt will sing a high pitched one, Cher will do hip-hop with a wonky dance, Katie will do quirky, Wagner will do a Margarita Practan medley, the sulky one will do a sulky song . . . But the Apprentice? Well we've got the advert to look forward to – remember 'pants man'? – and we've also got the excruciating interviews in the near future.

I can't wait.

Related Articles

X-Factor: Facebook campaign backs Wagner (telegraph.co.uk)
The Apprentice: Lord Alan Sugar blasts Simon Cowell's X Factor as 'old fashioned' (mirror.co.uk)
Simon Cowell to leave UK 'X Factor' for American Spin-off (newstatesman.com)
Campaign Backs Wagner For Christmas No 1 (news.sky.com)

Time to man-up!

Men – is modern life getting you down? Is the age of the 'metrosexual' breaking your spirit? Do you feel like you need to man-up? Well, I spotted the perfect source of all things manly; somewhere for you to go for all the advice you could possibly require.

Check out THE ART OF MANLINESS

Want to know 'how to wrestle an alligator'? Yup, it's got that. How to 'fire a handgun'? Check. How to 'forecast the weather like Daniel Boone'? Got it. How to 'change your car's air filter'? Present. How to . . . erm . . . 'smell like a barbershop'? Yes. A guide to 'sharp dressing for fathers'? Oh.  'Going sockless in summer' . . . hang on. What's this? 'A man's guide to dry cleaning?'

Actually, my personal favourite is 'A man's guide to sweaters'. It's a great read.

A bizarre website, no doubt, but it makes for hours of browsing. Where else could you find an article explaining the ins and outs of handling firearms, alongside an article that begins with the immortal words 'A quality sweater that properly fits is one of the most flattering garments a man can wear' and goes on to explain that 'the men's cardigan sweater is one of the most versatile and underused sweaters in a man's wardrobe.'

I still haven't figured out if it's for real.

C'mon, be a man!

Related Articles

You: The Art of Manliness Podcast Episode #27: Gym Junkies with Vic Magary (artofmanliness.com)

Life's rich tapestry

Aah, the ups and downs of being a writer. I received my first royalty statement this week and, well, it wasn't the greatest boost to my confidence. I've still not cracked through that advance yet. Mind you, in the first six months of being in the wild, Dry Season has sold OK. I mean, it's not the million copy bestseller I was hoping would challenge the other big Dan – Brown, that is – but it's a start. I'm chipping away at his lead. Oh yeah, and we still haven't seen the paperback which will be going out in March.

So rather than a royalty cheque, it's more of a reality check. Yep, you see what I did there?

Anyway, after that minor downer, and the bad review someone felt compelled to write about my book, I needed a boost. And, well, there's been something of a boost. Someone's bought some rights for Dry Season, which is a 'Good Thing'. And . . . drum roll please . .  I've just received the proof copy for Dark Horizons. It dropped through the door yesterday and looks great. Can't wait to see it sitting on the shelf alongside its older brother.

Books on Tyne

Newcastle's book festival – Books on Tyne – runs from 6th – 8th of November. There will be all kinds of events, readings, discussions, workshops etc. and I'll be at Newcastle College on Monday 8th (7:15pm) to talk about the inspiration behind Dry Season. I'm last on, so I promise not to ramble on too much!

Click here for the full Books On Tyne Brochure