Rachel Balducci's Blog, page 2

Welp, that was interesting

SO! I get back into blogging and discover the reason my blog runs so slow is I was HACKED. My sincere apologies to anyone who had trouble in the midst of that. Everything is cleaned up and Lord willing I/it/we will get back to normal.

The moral of the story is you really shouldn’t let anything just sit around idle or things will go wrong. Just like a vacant home or a body that just sits around all day, turns out a blog will also completely fall apart if you ignore it. That’s what I get for letting so many years go by without checking in to my dashboard.

Anyway, just popping in to say that! Hooray! I hope things stay healthy and clean.

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When Life Feels Fast

Picking up where I left off two weeks ago! Wow.

And so it was with me. That new commitment of very regular doctor’s appointments was so significant (even though in the grand scheme of a well-ordered life it wasn’t) that it caused me to really start considering if I wanted to live at this pace indefinitely. A few weeks is one thing. But six-to-nine months is another. And considering those six-to-nine months would be the last months of my boy Charlie’s time in high school — that was enough to make me start praying for a change.

There are so many contributing factors to feeling overwhelmed in life. Lots of people walk around feeling overwhelmed, either at times during the day, or during say basketball season — or even longer seasons. I spent a LOT of my early mothering days have those feelings because Paul and I had our first four babies really close. That’s an intense season. But in those kinds of times you recognize that it’s this way because you have a baby who will eventually start to sleep through the night. Or a toddler who will be in bed by 7:30 pm (who am I kidding, my boys were in bed sawing logs by 7 pm and it’s a TOTAL sanity saver).

But to feel this way day after day after day isn’t healthy. When there isn’t a clear “this too shall pass” it’s time to really consider what needs to change. Maybe it’s time to outsource cleaning, or lower expectations for certain chunks of time. But to just live like that without coming up with some kind of a plan is a recipe for total burnout.

Life is funny that way. One minute we have a schedule that works just fine and then something shifts and there you go. It no longer works. And that’s okay. I think it all caught me by surprise because for so many years my stress levels were dictated by having small children. Who knew you could still be stressed without babies and toddlers?! (probably lots of people).

What I learned through this journey (thanks for bearing with me, dear reader) is that ultimately, you have to be at peace with what your limits are. You can only answer for yourself, for what your own abilities are. There’s nothing wrong with looking around at what other people have going on, but really how can we ever know all the in’s and out’s of anyone’s circumstances but our own. What works for one person doesn’t necessarily work for someone else. And try as you might to make decisions and schedules based on what someone else can handle (so and so seems to be able to do all these things and then some…) you really don’t know what extras you may or may not have that someone else does not. Don’t compare! It might compel you to operate outside your limits of sanity or maybe even just outside of what God wants you to be doing.

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When Something Is “Off”

Early on this school year I noticed something really interesting. One of my boys needed to start seeing the doctor on a regular basis for a medical condition (nothing really bad, but very time consuming). It was in the midst of this that I realized I had been operating at the outer edge of what I could handle. I would add several adjectives before the word “handle.” Because we’re talking about the physical, mental, emotional and spiritual dimensions of life. And practical as well.

On paper, I could “practically” handle this additional commitment. You can easily schedule a doctor’s appointment after school. I have enough big guys to help watch the smaller ones. I have a car. Etc, etc etc. This is what I reasoned as I considered why this all felt so exhausting.

But mentally, as I was considering all this, I visualized a line, with some kind of horizontal graph type bar on it. What I could peacefully (without having a panic attack) handle was “here” (hold up both hands like you are describing a fish you caught). But by adding ANYTHING ADDITIONAL to my load, it pushed me to here (hold up your hands to describe that same fish but bigger).

That’s not good.

Yes, I could get to the doctor and run to get lab work and then go back to the doctor to get the prescription and then to the pharmacy and then back again to pick up the meds. I could do all of those things, but what it meant was something had to give. Unfortunately what was giving was my ability to cope with things like getting us all out the door on time in the morning. And being nice. And not crying.

Now all of this is for my own recollection and everyone is different. I kind of struggle with the idea that someone is reading this and rolling his eyes and thinking that this poor woman quit her job because her kid started needing some meds. And I realize that not everyone is free to just stop working when life feels hard. But this is something different than that. I should probably point out as well that my full-time job had much more of a volunteer quality to it. The people who teach at our private school are so generous. It’s a school that is basically a group of families who have decided to educate their children together. There isn’t tons of money for the staff and administration, so everyone who works there does it because they feel a real call to build and support the school and students. So by saying I quit, I’m not saying I was able to just walk away from tons of money. You might consider this whole conversation to be more about walking away from a wonderful, beautiful volunteer type opportunity. It almost felt like a vocation, which is something we will discuss further.

What’s interesting to me is that when we are at some kind of tipping point in our life, it’s usually one little extra drop in the bucket that makes the different. The final straw, after all, is just one straw. It’s not necessarily a whole wagon full.

TO BE CONTINUED, THANKS FOR READING.

The Journey of Hearing God

I’m making macaroni and cheese, the homemade kind that is super simple (cheese, macaroni, half and half and butter!). When I put the noodles in I will have nine minutes and I’m going to write for those nine minutes.

In a future post I’m going to have us hash out Little House on the Prairie and the pros and cons of possibly reading a book that gives insight into the reality of Laura’s life. I’m leaning towards a solid NO on getting that info. Ignorance is bliss.

For today I want to take a few minutes to hash out mentally (and for the reading pleasure of you, dear one) my decision to stop teaching full-time and “focus on my family.”

Truthfully, this might turn into a whole week of writing, because so much time and energy and prayer went into this decision and I learned so much in the process of recognizing something was off balance in my life and that I needed to make a change. Of course, when I began really crying out to the Lord for wisdom I wasn’t expecting the answer to involve my teaching commitments. But have you ever been in that position of really crying out? What I liked about this kind of communication with God is that I didn’t already have an answer. I was truly flummoxed. It wasn’t one of those times when I prayed for a specific answer (that I already had picked out for God to just press GO on). This was like, I don’t even know, Jesus. I don’t even know.

“Something is off,” began my conversation with the Lord, “and I need help.”

I wasn’t sure what the answer was going to be. I figured it would involve getting more organized in some aspect of my home life, or God just giving me better feelings about certain situations. All I knew is I was wandering in the desert. I wasn’t sure when it started or how I got there but I was stumbling around. Really, I felt a bit like the Israelites just not able to get from point A to point B.

The really troubling thing is that everything I was doing was really, really good. Not to be prideful, but it’s the truth. That’s what made this more confusing, more unclear. What do I jettison when nothing I’m doing involves things like “spa day” or “twelve hours shopping trip to Target.”

Those things aren’t necessarily bad either, but when you are feeling run down and overwhelmed all the time, you look first to the things that are disordered. Maybe too much time at TJ Maxx is the problem (honestly could that ever be the problem, no, but just as an example…).

So beginning in December I really cried out to the Lord. Like, Isabel and I had traveled to Texas to visit my sister and one early morning I was sitting on the floor of my sister’s guest room praying. It was an upstairs room and wall to wall carpet, so comforting and quiet and for the first time in AGES I just found myself settled. And I knew something was off.

In tears I just poured my heart out to God. “Something’s not right,” I said. That’s the best I could do.

Later, after a few conversations and lots of soul searching, I realized that I felt like life was flying by. I had a son graduate last year. I have another son graduating this year. My oldest moved to another city, another boy moved into a household in our neighborhood. So many things were changing and because I had said yes to so many things “outside the home” I felt like I was missing it all.

TO BE CONTINUED, THE MACARONI IS DONE!

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Giving Love Freely

Our neighbor Monique died last week. We are so sad to see her go.

The thing about Monique that endeared her most to me was her unwavering love, and I was most touched by her love for my son Henry. Monique had a love for Henry and his spark. She recognized this as a good thing during a season when I could not. I cannot express what it meant for me to have this dear neighbor ask about Henry every time I saw her — and hear her tell me, every single time, what a special boy my Henry was.

You see, Henry is a pistol. And there are times when I struggle with this fact. But Monique was always so quick to remind me how awesome it is to be a fierce lover of life — and how God can and will use that quality. And for me now, in the season of parenting Henry through — what a blessing to have someone be so quick to just love your child.

There were so many other things to love about Monique. I will certainly miss seeing her tiny little self power-walking through our neighborhood while saying the rosary. She was also quick to pass along an article she had read that might inspire me with my writing. She is the person who introduced me to Catherine Dougherty and the concept of the “duty of the moment.”

But it was her ability to love that inspires me the most. Of all the things Jesus might call us to do in our lifetime, what matters most is our ability to love. “If I have not love I am a clanging symbol.” Monique loved the person in front of her. When you were standing talking with her, you were the most important person in the room. She was a gem.

We should never be afraid to love. What it meant for me in those years of chasing a wild and crazy little Henry — to have this person remind me time and time again what a gift my son was — well, it got me through. Because usually I ran into Monique at some neighborhood gathering where Henry had once again escaped from my watchful eye and I was feeling frustrated and defeated. And she would come up to me and tell me, once again, how amazing my kid was.

I think it might be easy for older people to feel disenfranchised, to question where they fit in. And I can tell you that the greatest asset you have right now is the ability to love. If you can walk up to a parent in the trenches of raising kids, and you can offer a word of encouragement — that is pure gift. If you see someone like me, trying to gracefully parent teenagers — risk starting a conversation and offer a word of encouragement.

The young mom in the grocery store needs to hear she won’t always be chasing an errant toddler boy. The mother with teenagers needs to hear that what’s she’s doing is bearing good fruit. That family in front of you at Mass? They are beautiful and the mother or father needs to be reminded that all this hard work is worth the effort.

Monique was willing to say all those things. She loved Henry, but she had that same love for each one of my children. She wasn’t afraid to love and she wasn’t afraid to love extravagantly.

Monique’s friend Debbie shared at the wake that she had this vision, after Monique had died. She was praying about what to share and heard Monique say, “Give it all away.” And she knew that what Monique meant was love. To give love freely. To offer encouragement with abandon. To be quick to build up and listen and love love love.

Give it all away. That’s what Monique did. That’s the gift we all have to offer, and this love can change the world. It sure changed mine.

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Teenagers are Awesome

From my weekly column

I don’t write a lot about having teenagers. If you have some yourself, you understand. Teenagers are wonderful, don’t get me wrong. But it’s complicated. Having teenagers is every bit as grand as having little ones, but those growing pains aren’t as easy to share publicly.

But keeping quiet on life with teenagers can give people the wrong impression. A lot of people are scared of teenagers I think, or misunderstand them. And there’s a lot about having teenagers these days that can be scary. The kids themselves are great, but the culture is daunting.

Someone recently forwarded an article from the New York Times, all about the apps for smartphones that teenagers use. The worst part? Kids can hide this stuff from adults, so that even the most proactive, involved parents might be unaware of what their child is exposed to (or involved in).

It is scary raising teenagers — children in general — or it can be. If you gave me three minutes I could list in rapid fire all the things in the world to be afraid of, things facing our kids that we didn’t have to face. It’s terrifying, actually, when you stop to think about it.

But before I get too carried away, I want to share with you a few things I’ve learned in this journey of parenthood. I don’t have it all figured out (for sure!), but these things I know to be true.

When dealing with your teens, operate out of love, not fear. Don’t be afraid, scripture reminds us again and again. We have to apply that to every area of our life — especially parenting. Make love your aim, and even when times are tough you will have peace.

God loves your children more than you ever could. It seems crazy but it’s true. Don’t forget that as you proceed on this journey. You are God’s favorite — and so is your teen!

Your kid will mess up. It’s gonna be okay. God allows us to make mistakes, and He gives us grace to learn lessons in the midst of that.

Remember who you were as a teen — even if you were really, really good and always made great choices. I realized recently that I was starting to have a higher standard for my older boys than I had for myself! It’s not that I want them to be perfect, but I don’t want my children to suffer being separated from God. I have to remember they too are on a journey — and God’s working with them just like he’s working with me.

You and your spouse are on the same team. Early on in parenting, Paul and I saw how important it was for us to be in unity. If we had a chink in our armor, the Balducci boys would overtake us. Turns out that was an opportunity to be ready for these years with teenagers, when there isn’t time for us to be at odds with each other. In those tricky parenting moments (which always feel so spur of the moment) it’s nice knowing Paul and I are together in this adventure.

Your kid is not the only one struggling. If he or she is going through a hard season, just know it’s part of the growing process. Some struggles are certainly more serious than others, but if that’s where you are at, that’s okay too. There is nothing too big — or too small – for God.

Finally, the devil loves for us to feel isolated and alone. Pray for protection against the wickedness and snares of his lies. You are not the worst parent with the worst kid. Get behind me, Satan!

Lord, give us a heart of love and eyes to see the goodness of our children. Remind us how special they are to you, and that you have a plan for each one of them. We don’t have all the answers, but we trust and believe that you will give us everything we need.

“For I know the plans I have for you, declares the Lord, plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future.” — Jeremiah 29:11

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Blogging Again? Blogging Again.

So I might start this up again. Yeah! Let’s do it.

It has been almost a year since I wrote here and I’m in a major life shift. I have BIG KIDS now and life is different. At first I thought the change would mostly be about not feeling free to write about life with bigger kids. And that’s true. Big kids are their own beings. I mean, little kids are too but it’s different. You can write about them without feeling weird. But bigger people — I don’t really know if Elliott wants me telling you all about how great he’s doing in college (he is!) or Ethan’s plans (which are exciting!). Anyway this is clunky but I’m not going to sit here and delete a bunch of stuff. Otherwise I’ll never get this going again.

So I’m writing a book! Finally, a second book. I think it was just God’s time, because I’ve been hoping and praying and trying so hard to make something happen and finally, after all this time, it did! I’m excited about the topic but I’ll tell ya, I’m living it HARD right now. My dad mentioned something to me this morning that I think is so true: it’s like God is allowing some stuff to happen to give me perspective with my topic. The book is about having order in your life. So, yup Crazy times. Which, let’s be honest, I’m glad to be going through this instead of writing a book and being some kind of insufferable know-it-all. I think. Although being a know-it-all can be fun, because at least you are under some delusion that you’ve got it all together.

Ok, as an aside, I would just like to add that I can tell it’s been a long time since I’ve written like this because I keep finding myself wanting to use emojis to communicate. Like here is would put the little face with giant eyes. And up above I wanted to use the face with the hand under the chin ruminating. So wow, totally time to get back to the written word.

Back to the topic at hand.

About a month ago I realized I was just completely overwhelmed with my life. Like, suddenly there just didn’t seem to be grace for anything. It was crazy because I couldn’t even figure out what had changed. All the things that seemed to be running so smooth six months ago — well, it just wasn’t. I felt exhausted and emotional and couldn’t find the gaps in my day that I once used for sanity stops. Something in my life had changed and my carefully constructed daily schedule was sort of collapsing.

The schedule itself wasn’t collapsing so much as my ability to make it all work. And what I realized (I’ll spare you all the days and weeks I spent naval gazing and fretting and analyzing out the wazoo) was that I had scheduled and managed myself out to here (hold up hands shoulder width apart) and my life had expanded to here (hold hands slightly wider). What used to work “professionally” and “domestically” was no longing dovetailing. Things in my personal life were shifting in unforeseen ways; namely, big kids take up a different type of time and energy.

What worked with smaller or “in the home” kids just didn’t anymore. It’s totally different than what kids getting a bigger world view need. Does that make sense? Even just last year, with five kids at the same school and me working there, we were all on the same flow, so to speak. This year I have two kids that live either at home or just nearby who are doing something different from the rest of us, and suddenly I’m needed outside the realm I’d gotten used to.

I started realizing that my body was on overdrive ALL the time. I never got downtime, or a buffer with what was needed of me and what I needed in order to recharge to give. The margin I had built in got too small with the shifts in my life.

So I had to start having a hard conversation about all the commitments I had made and what I could now realistically do. And that’s where I’m at now. Trying to rearrange some things, working to consider how to manage things in the future. I also realized in the midst of all of this that I had let go of some things a few years ago that were the things that brought me the most joy. Namely, writing. And if you are wired to write in order to assimilate, that’s not a good thing to dump.

I don’t have all the solutions just yet. Ha! I don’t have nearly any at all. But recognizing that I’m in need of change — that I’m ready for it — that a good place to start.

Thanks for listening. And I’m so happy I remembered my password to this space. xo

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How To Talk About Politics with Family

The holidays are always a wonderful time to enjoy family, lots of family. It’s all about spending time together, so much family time that by January 2 you promise yourself you won’t utter another word to another human being for the next six months.

Let’s face it: the holidays are awesome and fun but also overwhelming and exhausting.

Add to the normal stressors the recent election and if you’re not careful your future promises to hold many explosive dinnertime conversations. Triple this prediction when you throw in booze.

People are passionate about politics and just because you’re related to someone doesn’t mean you see eye to eye on everything. In fact, there’s a good chance you have a few points on which you don’t agree. Call me crazy but I think this is true.

Here are some tips I’d like to share to make your holiday season a peaceful, pleasant and fun occasion. I call this, “Rachel’s Three Simple Rules to Making the Christmas Season a Fun-filled Time for All.”

Don’t talk about politics. Seriously. Don’t do it.

Really, I mean it. Don’t talk about politics.

I’m not lying. Don’t even think about talking about politics.

And that’s the advice I’ve got for you. Follow Rules 1, 2 and 3 and everything will go well for you and your loved ones this holiday season. I cannot stress enough the importance of following these rules. To stray from this in any way is madness.

I know it might seem like I’m joking but I’m absolutely serious. Now is not the time to talk about politics. For starters, the election is fresh on everyone’s mind. And if you think you understand where someone is coming from in who they voted for, think again. None of us can truly, totally understand where another person stands on every single issue. Someone else voting for the candidate you hated doesn’t necessarily signal anything.

So, okay. Here’s one way you are allowed to talk politics: you keep your mouth closed and just listen. That’s the smart way. Don’t go into any conversations with big plans to change minds and open hearts. That will end poorly, very poorly indeed. If you really truly want to “talk politics” then you can just sit back and try to figure out where your brother/cousin/mother-in-law is coming from and really listen to what they say.

OR you can compliment them on the good looking sweater and focus on the delicious meal in front of you.

This is not a cop-out. I repeat: this is not a cop-out. Keeping it real during the holiday season is not about getting all our junk out on the table. It’s not the time to acknowledge all the ways we don’t see eye-to-eye. Christmas is about the gift of family, of love and life and joy. Have a glass of wine! Toast all the goodness God has to offer.

This works, trust me.

Did you know that you can have vastly different political views with family members and still get along swimmingly? You might even realize that you have more in common with this person that you knew. The key is to focus on all that you share — your love for each other, your family ties, a history with people you love — and not let your differences get in the way.

At the end of the day (or days or week) what is worth working on is the relationship. What I have come to realize and believe is this: nothing, no ideology or political candidate or stance, is more important to me than a relationship. Which means I will choose to ignore everything but love when it comes to dealing with people.

There is always more in common than we think, especially when things are heated. Take a step back, say a little prayer, and ask Jesus for wisdom and patience and lots of love.

And pray the person on the other end can do the same.

This originally appeared in The Southern Cross.

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Quick Thoughts

Another quick blog post because, why not? I’m sitting at my favorite neighborhood Mexican restaurant and getting work done. I have to leave the house to work because if I stay at home I will basically find anything to do other than sit and write. You’d think being a writer that I actually like writing. But I find ways to put anything ahead of it if I allow myself. I don’t really understand it. It’s like I want all the stars to align and everything in perfect order before I get down to it.

It’s weird.

So if I were home I would be dealing with the dishwasher and switching over laundry and then a quick spot cleaning of the windows and mirrors in the entire house. Then I would maybe sweep the steps real quick, wipe down a few handprints off every single wall in the house and by then it’s time to scrub a bathroom and switch over the laundry again.

When you put it like that, writing is way more fun but for some strange reason I get my priorities all messed up.

On the school front: we are coming up on two more weeks until Christmas break. It’s not too bad yet. It’s nice that kids don’t realize that two weeks is no time at all. I think when you are a teenager two and three weeks still seems like an eternity (it’s epic for small people). So it’s nice to think things won’t get super crazy until a few days before. But if memory serves me correctly (last year being my first full-time experience) it’s a little bit NUTS.

My brother Josh came and spoke to our high school students today. He did a great job. He’s an alumnus of this school as well (all eight of us went here) and something he shared really inspired me. What one thing can I do today to challenge myself? What can I do that has me pushing a little harder in one area than the day before?

I don’t usually think that way. It’s possible I actually already even do this, but I know I’ve never really thought in those terms. So now I’m thinking: what can I do today to try a little harder? Maybe really make an effort to have personal prayer (I come and go so quickly on that front!). Or perhaps pushing through in work and writing efforts, when I’d rather take a quick break (again!).

On that note: back to work! xo

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Blogging Life

I just feel like writing. I’m sad I’m out of the habit. I’m working on a fairly big writing project right now and in addition to teaching and running a household and being a wife and mama, sharing my funny little thoughts has fallen off my radar.

Plus, do people even do blogs anymore?

Also, that’s not proper English. That’s okay.

But the beautiful thing about my blog is I get to say what I want and how I want and not worry about what people are thinking. And when I don’t write, it messes with my melon. I say the same thing every time I climb up onto my little writing stool and try to get the words out. But it’s okay. That’s okay, too.

It’s a form of plumbing.

Which reminds me, I need to call the plumber. Our main bathroom toilet isn’t working.

Here’s an awesome funny story I want to share:

Henry stayed home from school yesterday because he had a fever the day before. He was feeling much better, still has a hacking little cough, but we were able to spend a few hours running errands and getting him some clothes. He doesn’t fit any hand-me-downs from the brothers, mostly because he is my first child who wears the Husky version of the clothes on the market.

So we went to Wal-mart where Henry spied a pair of compression shorts that looked like those his older brothers wear. I sprung for them as a treat (and they ended up only costing $1.50 so SCORE!).

Last night Henry donned the new shorts and wore them to family prayers, which was immodest probably but there you go. So he’s walking into the front room and suddenly he notices that his new compression shorts have a pocket! One GIANT pocket directly in the front. That’s weird, he observed, but proceeded to put his hand in the pocket to make use of such a cool option.

“That’s not a pocket,” Elliott finally told Henry. “It’s for a cup.”

“Sweet!,” said Henry. “I’ll stick a cup in there and have a really giant straw and I can walk around with a drink in my pocket.”

Life is good.

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