Marty Nemko's Blog, page 414
March 20, 2014
Do What You Love? Risky
My PsychologyToday.com article today is; Do What You Love? Risky. There may be a more likely path to contentment.
March 16, 2014
Is Status-Seeking Worth It?
Here's my artlcle today on PsychologyToday.com: Is Status-Seeking Worth It?
March 12, 2014
My New Psychology Today blog: How to Do Life: Fresh ideas on career and personal issues
I'm pleased to announce that I'm now writing a blog for Psychology Today.It's called, How to Do Life: Fresh ideas on career and personal issues.
In addition to new articles, they want me to post some of my previously published work. My first post is one of those: Four Approaches to the Life Well-Led.
LINDA'S SAGA--11 EPISODES
There's no shortage of career and personal advice. I've contributed to the oversupply and so I thought that it might be more helpful and even entertaining if I embedded my best career and life advice in a continuing saga.
MARTY: You MUST not be heavy-handed about the pot OR any politically correct issues. Remember the AOL/PsychToday zeitgeist. And you'll be more effective if balanced.
PART IV: LINDA'S SAGA
Part II ended with Susan found innocent of creating a hostile environment. But despite her principal, Linda Wright, urging her to stay, she quit. Part III then told Susan's son Adam's saga--from hyperactive child to flamboyant optometrist.
One of Part IV's themes relates to marijuana. I had been neutral on its legalization until I was recently asked to participate in a debate on the topic with a well-regarded libertarian. I've since done research in preparation and synthesized my findings in this article.. I wrte this note here lest you think I came to the perspective presented here lightly.
Episode 1Caught!
Here in Part IV, we turn to the aforementioned school principal, Linda Wright. She often felt overwhelmed. There never seemed enough time to get things done in that tough school, and parents, district administrators, the state, the feds, everyone seemed to be complaining or asking for more, faster. Linda hated herself for this but felt the only way she could cope was by smoking pot, even very rarely, at school.
This was one of those days. A Friday, seven of the 26 teachers called in sick, she had just read an email informing her that the state was replacing its only-two-years-old ratcheted-up curriculum and testing regime, with a new, even more ratcheted-up one. She thought, "The kids were struggling with the old one. Now I have to sell the teachers on this?!"
The final straw was when a child, Tyler, ran into her office with blood dripping from his nose: "Anthony punched me in the face!" It wasn't serious but the victim couldn't have been worse for Linda: the son of Vanessa Stone, the PTA vice president, one of the school's few obnoxious parents.
Linda called Vanessa, apologized, and asked if she'd like to pick up her child. Vanessa, said she'd come in two hours. After consoling Tyler and settling him in an adjacent empty room, Linda closed her office door and was sorely tempted to light up a joint.
She distracted herself by doing paperwork but every few minutes, that urge bubbled up. After an hour, she couldn't resist and took a few hits. Unfortunately, Vanessa, worried about her child, came early. And true to character, even though Linda's door was closed, Vanessa didn't stop at the secretary's desk, didn't even knock on Linda's door but just opened it and caught Linda with the joint in her mouth and the smell of pot in the air.
Vanessa didn't say a word. Loving the power of the silence, she just stared. Linda could barely even muster a feeble lie, "It's medicinal...Tyler is in the next room." Vanessa continued to milk the moment, staring and staring before finally leaving.
The next day, Linda received a Fed Ex envelope from the District Superintendent of Schools. She was informed there would be an investigation into her alleged use of an illegal substance in school.
Episode 2Linda and Susan
Episode 1 of Linda's Saga ended with Linda, the principal of a tough school, having been caught smoking pot in her office.
Exhausted, terrified, Linda finally was able to relax when she got her far-from-easy child Darrell, 13, to bed. Even though she was in the privacy of her home and normally after such a stressful day, would have reached for her stash, tonight she couldn't. She hated herself for having smoked at school and couldn't even look at the stuff. So she sat on the sofa hugging the doggie she had rescued, a love-muffin she named Bruiser. "Bruiser, what did I do? What do I do? Oh my God, I'm going to lose my job. I'm going to be so embarrassed. God, who will ever hire me again? I'll be a bag lady. I have to talk with someone. Someone who can calm me down. Who can I talk with? No, no one from school. Not from church. No, not from church. I'm not ready to tell my friends yet. Maybe I'll never tell them. Oh, they'll find out. Susan. I can call Susan. She used to work at the school. She knows how tough it is but she's not there any more. Okay. Susan. I like Susan. Okay."
Linda picked up the phone and invited Susan over for a drink. Although surprised at being called, let alone invited to Linda's home, let alone for a drink, Susan sensed Linda was in trouble and didn't want to explain it on the phone, so Susan simply said yes.
On arriving, Susan was greeted by Bruiser, who gave a whole new meaning to "lap dog:" He raced around the house. Linda explained, "It's the Barktona 500." Susan sensed that Linda still wasn't ready to talk, so Susan babbled an update, "Well, I've decided to take some time off and just teach a few piano students. Ben and I are fine and we're proud of Adam, who's turned into quite the flamboyant young optometrist. He gives wild-man talks at professional conferences. After listening to tons of snoozers, the audiences love him."
Finally, with the help of a Long Island iced tea, Linda mustered the courage to tell Susan she had been caught at school smoking pot:
Linda walked her to the door, gave her another too-long stare, which Susan broke with, "Good luck tomorrow, Linda." And with that, Susan escaped, putting out of her mind the time when she was 12 years old and experimented with one of her girl friends.
Episode 3An Embarrassing Hearing
It couldn't have been scarier: In the district office's wood-paneled conference room, the school district's two attorneys, each staring into a laptop were on one side of the table, Linda and her attorney on the other. A stenographer was there to record every word.
Even if Linda's mind was at her lifetime best, it would have been a challenge to defend herself against having been caught at school with a joint in her mouth. But a lifetime of pot had slowed her down. So when one of the district's attorneys simply asked her the question her lawyer had prepped her for again and again, "So why did you have a joint in your mouth in your office and the room smelled like marijuana?" she blanked. She couldn't think of the rehearsed answer, and after some ums and ahs, mumbled, "It was a regular cigarette."
Except for her attorney, everyone laughed, even the stenographer, and then the district's attorney asked the obvious question, "Then why did the room smell like marijuana?" Her attorney whispered in her ear but Linda shook her head and said, "Maybe someone was smoking dope in my office before?" To maximize dramatic effect, that attorney rolled his eyes and sighed.
Linda's attorney felt forced to play his trump card: "You do know that the previous three administrators fired by the district were all over 40 years of age. Linda would be #4 in a row. You're aware, of course, of the law against age discrimination." One of the district's attorneys leaped out of his seat: "You gotta be kidding!" His co-counsel asked for a five-minute recess.
After the recess, the district's attorney said, "We are going to make you an offer. It truly is "Take it or leave it." Ms. Wright, you are to resign your principalship immediately and sign a document saying you will not sue the district or any associated entity for any reason. You may not apply for any job in the district in which children will be in the building. But what we will allow is that, until school starts (2 months from now) you may apply for a job at one of the district's administrative offices. If you get the job fine, if not, you can't say we haven't been more than generous."
Linda's attorney responded, "But what if an appropriate job doesn't come available, or she applies and when they check her references, they'll find out she lost her job because it was alleged--again alleged-- she had smoked pot on the job. She'd never get hired, even though it was never proven."
The district's attorneys simply waited. Finally, Linda's attorney said, "Let me confer with my client."
It didn't take long before Linda's attorney said, "If you'll agree that she'll get a good reference from her supervisor at the district, with no mention of the alleged pot use, okay."
The district's attorneys, aware of how poorly Linda responded during the deposition, in today's bad job market would very unlikely land a job appropriate for her that would be available just in the next two months. So they agreed.
Linda walked out afraid she really will end up a bag lady.
Episode 4Dragged Kicking and Screaming
The previous episode ended with Linda being given two months before school started again to land an administrative job in the school district.
But what kind of job? Susan played career counselor as her boyfriend Ben had done for her: She asked Linda about her skills, interests, and values. For example, she asked, "What are the three accomplishments you most enjoyed?" As a result, they agreed that the administrative job that would work best for Linda would be in finance. The worst would be human resources, both because she had no knowledge and little interest in the field, and because she had developed a healthy disrespect for HR because of the CYA attitude those people showed when a parent accused Susan of creating a hostile environment and when Linda was found smoking pot.
Susan and Linda then turned to planning how Linda would try to land a job: not just answering ads, but cold-contacting administrators in the district so that when a job did get advertised, she'd have an insider's edge. Susan also urged Linda to make a list of everyone who likes her, "Even your hairdresser knows lots of people."
But all the energy came from Susan. Linda was flat, beaten down not just from the long-term pot use and getting caught but because of that difficult principal job, a difficult child she had to parent by herself, and irrational though it may be, she was self-conscious about having put on 20 lbs. She didn't like the thought of going to job interviews. "I'm a pig." Susan said, half-lying, "Stop it, Linda. You look great."
The next time they got together was just a week before school opened. If Linda didn't land a job by then, she'd be out of the district and--in light of the pot incident--perhaps out of a job permanently. Who'd hire a principal who was fired for smoking pot in school?
Susan said, "I assume that your not having called me for so long means no news is bad news." Linda nodded and began her sad tale:
"I forced myself to call everyone on that networking list you and I put together. Not one person gave me a lead. I did what you said and asked them if they'd keep an ear open so that I didn't have to rely on their having something for me that minute, but not one person has called me back. And it's been almost two months.
I tried cold calling all seven assistant superintendents. I didn't do what you told me: to first practice into a mirror, then into a voice recorder, and then with you. And I paid the price. I sounded like Don Knotts with the first five. I called the other two and one called me back and invited me to come in. I got really excited. Got dressed up, got pumped up, and when I got there, I had to wait almost an hour and then she gave me like five, maybe seven minutes--a courtesy interview and then her secretary came in and said she had a meeting. I saw that technique on TV once. When a boss wants to keep a meeting short without seeming rude, she simply has her secretary come in and say, "You have a meeting."
Every day, I looked at the district's job board and I found four jobs that weren't ridiculous I did just like you said, my cover letter, line-by-line explained how I met all the job requirements, even though I didn't really. I guess they saw through that. I got one rejection letter and three didn't even bother to give me that.
Being so supported by Susan, Linda grew in her attraction to her and at the end of the evening, offered her a joint. Susan said no even though Linda reminded her that in Washington State it's now legal, "So we know it's pure." Linda lit up and leaned over toward Susan in a way that suggested she was offering Susan more than just a joint. Susan was tempted on both counts but waved her off.
Unable to distract herself from her job reality, Linda's face filled with fear. "Susan, it's only a week before the two months is up."
Episode 5Smoke and Mirrors
The previous episode ended with Linda having only a week to land a job in the school district. And remember that if she doesn't, she might not be employable anywhere because of having been found smoking pot in school.
Today, a job appeared on the district website but it was the worst possible. She hated the idea of going into HR: no interest and she despised the HR people for the way they backed management over workers. Besides, she knew nothing about HR and this job was an HR generalist position, so she'd have to know all about the practice and legalities of hiring, firing, benefits, team building, and diversity training. And the job was in the worst part of the district, and its jurisdiction was the continuation schools--schools that dealt with kids kicked out of regular school. And to top it all, it was in a dangerous neighborhood and a long commute from her house. But in desperation, Linda invited Susan over to help her apply for it.
Susan pushed Linda to Google all those HR subtopics and read a few articles on each.Then, to concretize and systematize what she learned as well as to impress the employer, Susan pushed Linda to write a brief white paper on "Best Practices in HR for 2015 and Beyond." Also, they rehearsed the questions Linda most feared she'd be asked, for example, "What makes you qualified for this position?" and "Why did you leave your previous job?" You don't want to hear her answers--their lack of integrity would make you puke.
Necessity is the mother of invention so, in the interview, Linda put on a performance worthy of an Oscar. Because of that and because the job understandably attracted very few other candidates with an administrator's license, she was was offered the job.
The lead interviewer added, "Oh just one more little thing. You'll have to pass the routine drug test. Any time in the next week is okay."
Routine for some people, but of course, not for Linda. Addicted to pot, even if she stopped, her body wouldn't be clean for a month. She had to pass the test within a week. She ran to the Internet and found articles, diagrams, videos galore on how to beat a drug test. And she did.
Driving to her first day of work, she grew terrified, "My mind isn't what it should be. God, I don't know if it's the pot, my stressful life, I dunno. I know I gotta succeed at this job, even though I have no interest in HR, I have no qualifications for HR, I have no experience in HR. Shit! Okay, Linda, get it together."
Episode 6Report from the Front
In the previous episode, despite being unqualified, Linda's savvy interviewing and a white paper got her hired as the HR manager for the school district's continuation schools.
A few months later, Christmas vacation had begun, Linda could finally relax, and invited Susan over to give a report on her first few months and to try to arouse a more personal interest. In their last good-bye hug, Linda had noticed Susan not pulling back quite as quickly as she had from their previous one.
The first thing Susan noticed when she came in was the scent: air freshener, which couldn't fully cover the smell of pot.
"Well Susan, what would you like, wine? Something else?"
Keeping her distance, Susan replied, "A small glass of white would be fine. Thanks.. So how are things"
"It's been a long few months between the job and Darrell."
"What's with Darrell?"
"He's turning into a living stereotype. He insists on wearing goth tee shirts--because that's what his friends, his so-called friends, are wearing. Every day, he comes home from school and heads right to his room, where he puts on loud music or turns on his computer and plays Worlds of Warcraft. When I ask him about school, I typically get something like, "It's fine. Mom, can I borrow some money. I need to buy this expansion kit for Worlds of Warcraft. I get so pissed they make you buy that shit extra. It should be included in the basic game!"
"What happens when you ask his teacher how he's doing?"
"She says, ''Average.' I know Darrell can do better than that."
"Linda, you think he's smoking pot."
"I don't think so. Really I don't."
"Have you asked him?"
"You think he'd tell me? Let me tell you about work," Linda sighed.
"What I spend most time on is hiring subs. I was supposed to figure out who's good from an interview and looking at their resume. But it really was hit and miss. But then I found out about these teaching simulations that candidates could do online. It's been working great except that one candidate who had ten years of teaching experience did poorly on that simulation and so didn't get picked. He wrote a letter to me with a copy to the superintendent asking for the test's predictive validity data. I called the company and they said it was up to us to collect that data. The guy is now suing us. My boss reassured me I'm okay but, you know..."
Susan understood: "After the pot hearing, I know what you mean."
"Then my boss asked me to set up a team-building retreat for the administrators throughout the district. I didn't know squat about those but googled it and on Wikipedia and other sites, they kept talking about those outdoor physical challenge retreats that are supposed to build teamwork and are a lot more fun than sitting in some hotel meeting room. But only 11 people signed up and, worse, the evaluations were bad. They thought it was artificial teamwork and after the first day back at work, it had no impact on how well people worked with each other. Again, my boss reassured me it's okay. He explained that he felt pressure to do something about the in-fighting among the administrators and getting me to do a retreat was the easiest way to show he was doing something.
"CYA?"
"Yup."
"I also have to manage the benefits, including when people have a complaint. One guy, to be honest, scared me. I'm healthy so I haven't needed to use the new health care system much except for my annual wellness exam. But this guy called me, frantic, saying he's had a stomach ache for three weeks and can't get an appointment with a doctor. The doctors' offices keep saying they're full, that with so many more people covered now, the doctors are overwhelmed and that he'd have to go the emergency room. I thought that's what covering more people was supposed to stop!"
Susan agreed and added, "Maybe the only answer is to reduce the number of years of training needed to be a doctor or even a nurse. It shouldn' take a decade and hundreds of thousands of dollars to train a regular family doctor. Anything else interesting you're doing at work?"
I had to send out a bunch of layoff notices and held a meeting with each person. One time, I cried.
"What happened?"
"It's completely last-hired, first-fired. And this woman was a rock star, really. She had reinspired all the teachers in the school. She went to every football game, every music performance. She was fabulous, but I had no choice. Union rule."
"Why do the school districts agree to such contracts?"
"I'm not sure but I do know that some superintendents are elected and are afraid of bucking the union. Remember what happened with Arnold Schwarzennegar? He felt nurses, whose average salary in California was already more than $100,000, tried to restrain additional raises. Well, the nurses union then mounted a multimillion dollar campaign against him and now the governor is Jerry Brown. Politicians care more about one thing than anything else: Getting reelected."
Susan was very pro-union and didn't want to get into a debate about it so she said, "I told Ben I'd only be here a short while. I should leave."
Linda said, "I really appreciate your coming to visit me. It hasn't been easy."
Linda walked Susan to the door and gave her a hug, another hug that was too long for a platonic good-bye, and this time Susan started to feel tingly and couldn't pull away. Linda took Susan's face and moved to kiss her, but that was too much for Susan and she turned away.
"Would you come back? There's more I'd like to tell you about work."
Susan said an unconvincing "Sure," muttered the quickest "Bye" and escaped.
Episode 7The Diversity WorkshopIn the previous episode, Linda told Susan travails of being a new HR manager. As Susan was leaving, Linda gave her another too-long good-bye hug but this time, Susan didn't pull away but refused Linda's kiss, although agreed to come back to "hear more about what was going on with Linda at work."
Linda was surprised that Susan actually called her to get together.
When Susan arrived, she asked, "So, what are the latest adventures of Linda Wright, HR novice?"
"Well, I just led a diversity training workshop. Actually, they now want us to call it "communication training." You could just tell that people didn't want to be there: a lot of slouching, no one raising their hand, iPhone praying...
"What's that?"
Oh, looking down at you smartphone.. Anyway, finally someone enthusiastically raised their hand. I was grateful until he opened his mouth, "You made us take this Myers-Briggs Test and, you said if you know the other person's sign, I mean, category, that's supposed to help you figure out how to work better with that person. Well, when I was in college, I remember reading in my psychology textbook that Myers-Briggs predictions aren't much more accurate than a horoscope. Why are you making us do this?" I had no idea what to say, so I simply said, "The Myers-Briggs is used by people all over the world." He snickered, "So what? People all over the world believe in angels."
Susan also didn't know what to say, so she simply said, "I'm sorry, Linda."
Linda continued, "And that wasn't the worst thing that happened. I had just gone on and on about how wonderful it is that the ADA gives rights to physically and mentally disabled workers, that homophobia is on the decline with marriage equality spreading, and a Black guy said, "I haven't heard you express any concern about the plight of African-Americans. As the media keeps pointing out, racism is alive and well in America." I felt defensive and I said, 'You're absolutely right. That's a major reason we're having this workshop today. As Presidents Clinton, Obama, and now President Hillary Clinton have all said, 'We need to have an honest conversation about race.' As I was saying that, I saw Latino, White, and Asian participants fold up. They weren't going to take the risk of being honest about race. The rest of the four hours was filled mainly with platitudes that felt no more likely to change behavior than the team-building activities in the forest were to make the administrators work better back at the office."
I figured the workshop would do no good, but I didn't think it would do bad, but a week afterward, a supervisor of janitors came into my office, terrified because one of the attendees filed a grievance against him.The supervisor explained, 'He asked me for flex time because he said he had depression and the Americans with Disabilities Act requires me to make reasonable accommodations. Well, it wasn't reasonable The classrooms have to be cleaned between 3:00 and 5:30. Before that, the kids are in class and after that, the building has to close to comply with energy efficiency regulations."
"I then asked the supervisor, 'But couldn't you give him other duties?'"
He said, 'I often did but he was always slow and he kept taking time off--maximum vacation days, maximum sick days, and when those ran out, he claimed his full 12 weeks off saying he's allowed to under the Family and Medical Leave Act. The fact is, he's lazy. Period. So I started the procedure for letting him go but right when he got the first notice, he claimed I was retaliating for his wanting ADA accommodations. Total lie. Really.'"
Perhaps Linda's sad tale was just an excuse but Susan then slid over toward Linda's side of the sofa and hugged her and then kissed her, deeply. But just as suddenly, Susan pulled away. "Linda, I'm sorry. I'm sorry. This is not me. Really. really."
Linda reached for her but Susan jumped up and to the door.
Linda, I can't see you again. I can't. I just can't. I gotta go. Bye, Linda. I'm sorry."
Linda plodded to her bedroom and pulled out her stash.
Episode 8No Guarantees
In the previous episode, Linda recounted to Susan the challenges of being a newbie in HR, especially a generalist having to know it all, especially in a challenging school district rife with contentiousness. Not surprisingly, Linda turned more and more to her herbaceous escape.
Linda's stress came not just from her job but from her son Darrell. Even as Christmas was approaching, Darrell was not imbued with the spirit of peace and good will to all, not even to his mother. All it took is for Linda to press him to do his homework or ask him where he was going, to elicit such guilt-inducing ploys as, "I hate you, mom. No, I hate you, Linda."
She had been coughing more but figured that's just what happens to people who smoke a lot, whether pot or tobacco. Indeed, despite her formidable pot habit, cigarettes repulsed her. "Cancer sticks," she called them. But a few days before Christmas, her cough was bothering her more so she figured she'd visit the doctor to see if she could get some cough medicine stronger than Robitussin.
The doctor told her, "It's probably nothing but let's get a scan just to be sure." Parodying doctors' use of the royal we, she joked, "Okay, you first." She was surprised that she could get a same-day appointment. The clerk explained, "Only because it's just a few days before Christmas."
The next day, the doctor's office called, asking her to come in. She knew that wouldn't be to prescribe cough syrup. She got nervous, very nervous. So she called Susan and asked if she would come to the doctor's with her, and she did.
Usually, the nurse would escort her from the waiting room to the doctor's office but this time, the doctor came out himself. That made her even more nervous. With a smile and informality that seemed forced, he said, "Come on in Ms Wright. Your friend can come too if you like."
He ushered them to seats in his office, piled-high with file folders and journals. The photos of his family seemed incongruous. Maintaining that upbeat demeanor that doctors are trained to exude, he said words that belied that. "Don't worry but we found a bit of cancer in your throat that we need to take out. It looks very early. Of course, there are no guarantees but I'm confident that if we remove it and do a quick course of radiation, you'll be fine." All that stuck were "cancer," "remove it," "radiation," and worst of all, "no guarantees."
Linda was pretty much in a daze as they scheduled her surgery, certainly glad Susan was there.
As they returned to Linda's house, Susan asked, "Would you like me to come in?" Linda nodded.
They sat in their usual place, at ends of the sofa, this time looking into the fire and Christmas tree. Linda was grateful that Darrell was at his father's for Christmas. How could she tell him?!--even if he had been making a habit of saying, "I hate you, Linda!"
Susan said all the right things: "It's just out-patient surgery. One hour, no biggie." And, "I know someone who had radiation and said it was no big deal." But all Susan could think of was "cancer," radiation," and "no guarantees." And so Linda cried, and so did Susan. And they hugged. And they made love.
After, Susan was surprised at what she was feeling. She, who had been straight her whole life and had a monogamous relationship with Ben, was not wracked with guilt. She did have an irrational moment: "Could making love with someone with cancer be contagious?" She had heard of a few couples in which one person got cancer and then the partner got it a year or two later. But mainly, Susan felt maternal, that she gave Linda what she most needed then, nurturance.
Linda sat up and said, "I need to rethink everything."
Episode 9Paroxysms
In the previous episode, Linda was diagnosed with Stage I throat cancer. Susan's supportiveness built an intimacy between them that pushed away Susan's resistance, and they made love.
An adversity often triggers a paroxysm of response. So Linda stopped smoking pot cold-turkey, and before school even reopened in the New Year, she developed a comprehensive anti-drug initiative for the district: articles on the website, bring in speakers to schools and district office, and a rally to rescind Washington State's legalization of pot.
As the doctor and Susan predicted, the cancer surgery and radiation treatments were not that bad. Indeed, at the rally, Linda had recovered enough to give a talk. In it, she asked her son up to the podium and said. "Darrell, I didn't want to tell you because I didn't want to worry you, but I just finished getting treated for cancer.The doctors tell me I'm fine now, so don't worry. Why am I telling you now? Because the doctors say my smoking pot may have caused it. Darrell, I love you so much. I decided to admit all this in front of everyone in hopes that somehow that will make you not do it." He said, "I won't mom." But his tone wasn't altogether convincing.
After work, Linda volunteered for hospice, specifically asking to work with cancer patients. Terrified of the cancer recurring, spreading, and of a painful death, she figured that working with dying patients could desensitize her or help her make peace with the possibility--as psychiatrist Irvin Yalom wrote, "by staring into the sun." At minimum, she'd pay-forward the nurturance Susan had shown her when Linda got her diagnosis.
One day in mid January, a district administrator and a person wearing a shirt embroidered, "United Employment Testing, Inc" showed up at Linda's office without an appointment. The administrator said, "Linda, I'm sorry to have to do this but we received a report from a teacher at the school where you were principal, which we then had independently corroborated by another teacher, that in your previous position, you appeared to be under the influence in school. So I need to ask you to take a drug test now."
Linda's face flushed with anger, filled instantly with an avalanche of thoughts, "The district lawyers promised they wouldn't reveal that, but I guess teachers could have suspected,. But why would they tell on me?!" Maybe I could pass the test--I haven't smoked in three weeks. Oh no, it takes a month for it to clear from my system." In just that moment, she went from calm to fury to limp.
Linda failed the test and was then asked if she wanted to go through the legal process of defending herself or preferred to quit. She thought, "First, cancer and now this? I don't have the strength to fight it. I mean, even when I was healthy, I was terrible at defending myself."
So she quit. Now what?Episode 10The Power of a Ticking Clock
A year passed, with Susan and Linda seeing each other but only infrequently, to reduce the risk of disrupting Susan's relationship with Ben. Linda's son Darrell continued to "underperform" but Linda overperformed. Her cancer scare and stopping pot made her well-focused on her anti-pot crusade. Her work at hospice made even the thought of a recurrence and of death less scary.
That was a good thing because the cough that had signaled her cancer returned. "Is it really the same cough? Should I wait and see if it goes away? Even if it doesn't go away, maybe I shouldn't bother with the doctor: With a recurrence, they'll probably really torture me: surgery, radiation, chemotherapy, and even that probably won't be worth the torture. It'll just weaken me, I'll have shitty quality of life, and then I'll die. But what if I'm wrong? If the doctor tells me it's nothing, I'll feel so great. And even if it is a recurrence, it doesn't mean a death sentence or even some terrible treatment. I'm going to go to the doctor but I'm going to ask Susan to come with me."
Linda had scans and blood tests, and returned to the doctor's office for the results, Susan by her side. It was the worst: "It's Stage 4, Linda. I'm so sorry." The doctor then discussed treatment options using the studied oncologist optimism---everyone needs hope. Linda was freaked out but Susan asked the hard questions about the probabilities and the answers were discouraging. "Yes, there's some chance the chemotherapy could give you enough extra time to be worth going through it. Or you might try an experimental treatment, which is pretty tough but may give you an even better chance." At that point, Linda mustered one question, "If I choose to have no treatment, then what?" "You should have a few good months and then you can always choose hospice, which will keep you comfortable." Linda nodded and said the ironic, "Thank you."
The ticking clock made Linda devote even more time to her anti-marijuana work. At one of her talks, a grungily-dressed audience member asked her, "Why just keep pot illegal? Why not booze and cigarettes, huh?" Linda's response surprised herself as well as the audience; "You're right: Booze and cigarettes are even worse. If the state cared about we the people more than we our tax dollars, they'd make all of them illegal."
That question fueled Linda to substitute anti-substance abuse work even for her favorite pleasures: golf, TV dramas, even trips to see family. When she received an invitation to her cousin's third wedding in Topeka, she checked the "cannot attend" box without hesitation.
Her work yielded many memorable moments. For example, after one of her talks, a dad and his son told her that they're now Linda Wright groupies--going to all her talks because after the first one, his son admitted that he smoked cigarettes and stole pot from his dad. Now both of them have stopped.
Linda did well for longer than the few months the doctor predicted. It was a year until the inevitable happened.
Episode 11From Generation to Generation
In the previous episode, the ticking clock of Linda's cancer made her more productive than she had ever been in her life. On a crusade against substance abuse--pot, alcohol, tobacco--she touched many lives, especially because she was candid about her own story, including her throat cancer. But finally, the cancer was to beat her.
Susan had no idea what hospice would be like. She envisioned a not-quite-hospital like place. Actually, today's version is at home. Hospice simply means that the person has less than six months to live and rather than prolong life, the patient or guardian opts for hospice care, which makes the patient as comfortable as possible, and that includes living in her own bed.
And that's where we find Linda, with Susan, Susan's father, her now live-in boyfriend Ben, son Adam, and Linda's son Darrell, surrounding her bed. To break the ice, Susan tried, "It's like we're around a piano bar and you're the keyboard." That wasn't funny enough.
Linda was clearly near the end: wan, too thin, her breathing labored. Struggling, she began, "I didn't think I'd want you all here now but I do. Thank you. I became a principal because I liked to give talks and would you mind if I give you one now?
"I'm not sure how much energy I'll have so I'll start with the most important thing first. I've spent a lot of time trying to figure out what the life well-led is. It's not materialism--that's like an addiction where you need an ever stronger dose. It's not pleasure--I spent a lot of time high and that's just a waste of a lot of heartbeats. I think the life well-led is as simple as being good: using your abilities to do good on the job, in your volunteer work, and with everyone you meet--even the supermarket clerk.
"Darrell, when I stopped smoking pot, I forgot about one of my stashes. Today, I looked for it and it was almost empty. Darrell, I'm scared for you. I know I can't make you stop. Your dad sure can't. I know you think you'll live forever. I know you think you can handle it. I know you think it won't affect your memory. I know you think it won't make you less motivated. I know you think it won't give you cancer. I hope you're right."
Susan said, "I promise to carry on with your work." Everyone else except Darrell nodded. Sam, far from the stereotype of the corporate executive he is, cried.
Linda closed her eyes. And Darrell too started to cry and said, "Me too, mom. I swear."
And this time, everyone believed him.
And that concludes Part IV of Days of our Work Lives. Now I begin work on Part V: Sam's Saga.
MARTY: You MUST not be heavy-handed about the pot OR any politically correct issues. Remember the AOL/PsychToday zeitgeist. And you'll be more effective if balanced.
PART IV: LINDA'S SAGA
Part II ended with Susan found innocent of creating a hostile environment. But despite her principal, Linda Wright, urging her to stay, she quit. Part III then told Susan's son Adam's saga--from hyperactive child to flamboyant optometrist.
One of Part IV's themes relates to marijuana. I had been neutral on its legalization until I was recently asked to participate in a debate on the topic with a well-regarded libertarian. I've since done research in preparation and synthesized my findings in this article.. I wrte this note here lest you think I came to the perspective presented here lightly.
Episode 1Caught!
Here in Part IV, we turn to the aforementioned school principal, Linda Wright. She often felt overwhelmed. There never seemed enough time to get things done in that tough school, and parents, district administrators, the state, the feds, everyone seemed to be complaining or asking for more, faster. Linda hated herself for this but felt the only way she could cope was by smoking pot, even very rarely, at school.
This was one of those days. A Friday, seven of the 26 teachers called in sick, she had just read an email informing her that the state was replacing its only-two-years-old ratcheted-up curriculum and testing regime, with a new, even more ratcheted-up one. She thought, "The kids were struggling with the old one. Now I have to sell the teachers on this?!"
The final straw was when a child, Tyler, ran into her office with blood dripping from his nose: "Anthony punched me in the face!" It wasn't serious but the victim couldn't have been worse for Linda: the son of Vanessa Stone, the PTA vice president, one of the school's few obnoxious parents.
Linda called Vanessa, apologized, and asked if she'd like to pick up her child. Vanessa, said she'd come in two hours. After consoling Tyler and settling him in an adjacent empty room, Linda closed her office door and was sorely tempted to light up a joint.
She distracted herself by doing paperwork but every few minutes, that urge bubbled up. After an hour, she couldn't resist and took a few hits. Unfortunately, Vanessa, worried about her child, came early. And true to character, even though Linda's door was closed, Vanessa didn't stop at the secretary's desk, didn't even knock on Linda's door but just opened it and caught Linda with the joint in her mouth and the smell of pot in the air.
Vanessa didn't say a word. Loving the power of the silence, she just stared. Linda could barely even muster a feeble lie, "It's medicinal...Tyler is in the next room." Vanessa continued to milk the moment, staring and staring before finally leaving.
The next day, Linda received a Fed Ex envelope from the District Superintendent of Schools. She was informed there would be an investigation into her alleged use of an illegal substance in school.
Episode 2Linda and Susan
Episode 1 of Linda's Saga ended with Linda, the principal of a tough school, having been caught smoking pot in her office.
Exhausted, terrified, Linda finally was able to relax when she got her far-from-easy child Darrell, 13, to bed. Even though she was in the privacy of her home and normally after such a stressful day, would have reached for her stash, tonight she couldn't. She hated herself for having smoked at school and couldn't even look at the stuff. So she sat on the sofa hugging the doggie she had rescued, a love-muffin she named Bruiser. "Bruiser, what did I do? What do I do? Oh my God, I'm going to lose my job. I'm going to be so embarrassed. God, who will ever hire me again? I'll be a bag lady. I have to talk with someone. Someone who can calm me down. Who can I talk with? No, no one from school. Not from church. No, not from church. I'm not ready to tell my friends yet. Maybe I'll never tell them. Oh, they'll find out. Susan. I can call Susan. She used to work at the school. She knows how tough it is but she's not there any more. Okay. Susan. I like Susan. Okay."
Linda picked up the phone and invited Susan over for a drink. Although surprised at being called, let alone invited to Linda's home, let alone for a drink, Susan sensed Linda was in trouble and didn't want to explain it on the phone, so Susan simply said yes.
On arriving, Susan was greeted by Bruiser, who gave a whole new meaning to "lap dog:" He raced around the house. Linda explained, "It's the Barktona 500." Susan sensed that Linda still wasn't ready to talk, so Susan babbled an update, "Well, I've decided to take some time off and just teach a few piano students. Ben and I are fine and we're proud of Adam, who's turned into quite the flamboyant young optometrist. He gives wild-man talks at professional conferences. After listening to tons of snoozers, the audiences love him."
Finally, with the help of a Long Island iced tea, Linda mustered the courage to tell Susan she had been caught at school smoking pot:
It was about as embarrassing as when Bill Clinton was caught with Monica and the cigar. I started when I was 13, loved it, really. So I was doing it every day, then twice a day, then all the time. I loved it. I still love it, even though I know it hurts my memory and I just can't get motivated to do more than the minimum. When they put me on probation at college, I slowed down, actually stopped for a while. I really have slowed down, a lot, but this principal job is really hard....I'm glad my union gave me a good lawyer. And, Susan, I'm glad you're here for me.Linda stared at Susan just a little too long, so Susan interrupted with, "I really should be going."
Linda walked her to the door, gave her another too-long stare, which Susan broke with, "Good luck tomorrow, Linda." And with that, Susan escaped, putting out of her mind the time when she was 12 years old and experimented with one of her girl friends.
Episode 3An Embarrassing Hearing
It couldn't have been scarier: In the district office's wood-paneled conference room, the school district's two attorneys, each staring into a laptop were on one side of the table, Linda and her attorney on the other. A stenographer was there to record every word.
Even if Linda's mind was at her lifetime best, it would have been a challenge to defend herself against having been caught at school with a joint in her mouth. But a lifetime of pot had slowed her down. So when one of the district's attorneys simply asked her the question her lawyer had prepped her for again and again, "So why did you have a joint in your mouth in your office and the room smelled like marijuana?" she blanked. She couldn't think of the rehearsed answer, and after some ums and ahs, mumbled, "It was a regular cigarette."
Except for her attorney, everyone laughed, even the stenographer, and then the district's attorney asked the obvious question, "Then why did the room smell like marijuana?" Her attorney whispered in her ear but Linda shook her head and said, "Maybe someone was smoking dope in my office before?" To maximize dramatic effect, that attorney rolled his eyes and sighed.
Linda's attorney felt forced to play his trump card: "You do know that the previous three administrators fired by the district were all over 40 years of age. Linda would be #4 in a row. You're aware, of course, of the law against age discrimination." One of the district's attorneys leaped out of his seat: "You gotta be kidding!" His co-counsel asked for a five-minute recess.
After the recess, the district's attorney said, "We are going to make you an offer. It truly is "Take it or leave it." Ms. Wright, you are to resign your principalship immediately and sign a document saying you will not sue the district or any associated entity for any reason. You may not apply for any job in the district in which children will be in the building. But what we will allow is that, until school starts (2 months from now) you may apply for a job at one of the district's administrative offices. If you get the job fine, if not, you can't say we haven't been more than generous."
Linda's attorney responded, "But what if an appropriate job doesn't come available, or she applies and when they check her references, they'll find out she lost her job because it was alleged--again alleged-- she had smoked pot on the job. She'd never get hired, even though it was never proven."
The district's attorneys simply waited. Finally, Linda's attorney said, "Let me confer with my client."
It didn't take long before Linda's attorney said, "If you'll agree that she'll get a good reference from her supervisor at the district, with no mention of the alleged pot use, okay."
The district's attorneys, aware of how poorly Linda responded during the deposition, in today's bad job market would very unlikely land a job appropriate for her that would be available just in the next two months. So they agreed.
Linda walked out afraid she really will end up a bag lady.
Episode 4Dragged Kicking and Screaming
The previous episode ended with Linda being given two months before school started again to land an administrative job in the school district.
But what kind of job? Susan played career counselor as her boyfriend Ben had done for her: She asked Linda about her skills, interests, and values. For example, she asked, "What are the three accomplishments you most enjoyed?" As a result, they agreed that the administrative job that would work best for Linda would be in finance. The worst would be human resources, both because she had no knowledge and little interest in the field, and because she had developed a healthy disrespect for HR because of the CYA attitude those people showed when a parent accused Susan of creating a hostile environment and when Linda was found smoking pot.
Susan and Linda then turned to planning how Linda would try to land a job: not just answering ads, but cold-contacting administrators in the district so that when a job did get advertised, she'd have an insider's edge. Susan also urged Linda to make a list of everyone who likes her, "Even your hairdresser knows lots of people."
But all the energy came from Susan. Linda was flat, beaten down not just from the long-term pot use and getting caught but because of that difficult principal job, a difficult child she had to parent by herself, and irrational though it may be, she was self-conscious about having put on 20 lbs. She didn't like the thought of going to job interviews. "I'm a pig." Susan said, half-lying, "Stop it, Linda. You look great."
The next time they got together was just a week before school opened. If Linda didn't land a job by then, she'd be out of the district and--in light of the pot incident--perhaps out of a job permanently. Who'd hire a principal who was fired for smoking pot in school?
Susan said, "I assume that your not having called me for so long means no news is bad news." Linda nodded and began her sad tale:
"I forced myself to call everyone on that networking list you and I put together. Not one person gave me a lead. I did what you said and asked them if they'd keep an ear open so that I didn't have to rely on their having something for me that minute, but not one person has called me back. And it's been almost two months.
I tried cold calling all seven assistant superintendents. I didn't do what you told me: to first practice into a mirror, then into a voice recorder, and then with you. And I paid the price. I sounded like Don Knotts with the first five. I called the other two and one called me back and invited me to come in. I got really excited. Got dressed up, got pumped up, and when I got there, I had to wait almost an hour and then she gave me like five, maybe seven minutes--a courtesy interview and then her secretary came in and said she had a meeting. I saw that technique on TV once. When a boss wants to keep a meeting short without seeming rude, she simply has her secretary come in and say, "You have a meeting."
Every day, I looked at the district's job board and I found four jobs that weren't ridiculous I did just like you said, my cover letter, line-by-line explained how I met all the job requirements, even though I didn't really. I guess they saw through that. I got one rejection letter and three didn't even bother to give me that.
Being so supported by Susan, Linda grew in her attraction to her and at the end of the evening, offered her a joint. Susan said no even though Linda reminded her that in Washington State it's now legal, "So we know it's pure." Linda lit up and leaned over toward Susan in a way that suggested she was offering Susan more than just a joint. Susan was tempted on both counts but waved her off.
Unable to distract herself from her job reality, Linda's face filled with fear. "Susan, it's only a week before the two months is up."
Episode 5Smoke and Mirrors
The previous episode ended with Linda having only a week to land a job in the school district. And remember that if she doesn't, she might not be employable anywhere because of having been found smoking pot in school.
Today, a job appeared on the district website but it was the worst possible. She hated the idea of going into HR: no interest and she despised the HR people for the way they backed management over workers. Besides, she knew nothing about HR and this job was an HR generalist position, so she'd have to know all about the practice and legalities of hiring, firing, benefits, team building, and diversity training. And the job was in the worst part of the district, and its jurisdiction was the continuation schools--schools that dealt with kids kicked out of regular school. And to top it all, it was in a dangerous neighborhood and a long commute from her house. But in desperation, Linda invited Susan over to help her apply for it.
Susan pushed Linda to Google all those HR subtopics and read a few articles on each.Then, to concretize and systematize what she learned as well as to impress the employer, Susan pushed Linda to write a brief white paper on "Best Practices in HR for 2015 and Beyond." Also, they rehearsed the questions Linda most feared she'd be asked, for example, "What makes you qualified for this position?" and "Why did you leave your previous job?" You don't want to hear her answers--their lack of integrity would make you puke.
Necessity is the mother of invention so, in the interview, Linda put on a performance worthy of an Oscar. Because of that and because the job understandably attracted very few other candidates with an administrator's license, she was was offered the job.
The lead interviewer added, "Oh just one more little thing. You'll have to pass the routine drug test. Any time in the next week is okay."
Routine for some people, but of course, not for Linda. Addicted to pot, even if she stopped, her body wouldn't be clean for a month. She had to pass the test within a week. She ran to the Internet and found articles, diagrams, videos galore on how to beat a drug test. And she did.
Driving to her first day of work, she grew terrified, "My mind isn't what it should be. God, I don't know if it's the pot, my stressful life, I dunno. I know I gotta succeed at this job, even though I have no interest in HR, I have no qualifications for HR, I have no experience in HR. Shit! Okay, Linda, get it together."
Episode 6Report from the Front
In the previous episode, despite being unqualified, Linda's savvy interviewing and a white paper got her hired as the HR manager for the school district's continuation schools.
A few months later, Christmas vacation had begun, Linda could finally relax, and invited Susan over to give a report on her first few months and to try to arouse a more personal interest. In their last good-bye hug, Linda had noticed Susan not pulling back quite as quickly as she had from their previous one.
The first thing Susan noticed when she came in was the scent: air freshener, which couldn't fully cover the smell of pot.
"Well Susan, what would you like, wine? Something else?"
Keeping her distance, Susan replied, "A small glass of white would be fine. Thanks.. So how are things"
"It's been a long few months between the job and Darrell."
"What's with Darrell?"
"He's turning into a living stereotype. He insists on wearing goth tee shirts--because that's what his friends, his so-called friends, are wearing. Every day, he comes home from school and heads right to his room, where he puts on loud music or turns on his computer and plays Worlds of Warcraft. When I ask him about school, I typically get something like, "It's fine. Mom, can I borrow some money. I need to buy this expansion kit for Worlds of Warcraft. I get so pissed they make you buy that shit extra. It should be included in the basic game!"
"What happens when you ask his teacher how he's doing?"
"She says, ''Average.' I know Darrell can do better than that."
"Linda, you think he's smoking pot."
"I don't think so. Really I don't."
"Have you asked him?"
"You think he'd tell me? Let me tell you about work," Linda sighed.
"What I spend most time on is hiring subs. I was supposed to figure out who's good from an interview and looking at their resume. But it really was hit and miss. But then I found out about these teaching simulations that candidates could do online. It's been working great except that one candidate who had ten years of teaching experience did poorly on that simulation and so didn't get picked. He wrote a letter to me with a copy to the superintendent asking for the test's predictive validity data. I called the company and they said it was up to us to collect that data. The guy is now suing us. My boss reassured me I'm okay but, you know..."
Susan understood: "After the pot hearing, I know what you mean."
"Then my boss asked me to set up a team-building retreat for the administrators throughout the district. I didn't know squat about those but googled it and on Wikipedia and other sites, they kept talking about those outdoor physical challenge retreats that are supposed to build teamwork and are a lot more fun than sitting in some hotel meeting room. But only 11 people signed up and, worse, the evaluations were bad. They thought it was artificial teamwork and after the first day back at work, it had no impact on how well people worked with each other. Again, my boss reassured me it's okay. He explained that he felt pressure to do something about the in-fighting among the administrators and getting me to do a retreat was the easiest way to show he was doing something.
"CYA?"
"Yup."
"I also have to manage the benefits, including when people have a complaint. One guy, to be honest, scared me. I'm healthy so I haven't needed to use the new health care system much except for my annual wellness exam. But this guy called me, frantic, saying he's had a stomach ache for three weeks and can't get an appointment with a doctor. The doctors' offices keep saying they're full, that with so many more people covered now, the doctors are overwhelmed and that he'd have to go the emergency room. I thought that's what covering more people was supposed to stop!"
Susan agreed and added, "Maybe the only answer is to reduce the number of years of training needed to be a doctor or even a nurse. It shouldn' take a decade and hundreds of thousands of dollars to train a regular family doctor. Anything else interesting you're doing at work?"
I had to send out a bunch of layoff notices and held a meeting with each person. One time, I cried.
"What happened?"
"It's completely last-hired, first-fired. And this woman was a rock star, really. She had reinspired all the teachers in the school. She went to every football game, every music performance. She was fabulous, but I had no choice. Union rule."
"Why do the school districts agree to such contracts?"
"I'm not sure but I do know that some superintendents are elected and are afraid of bucking the union. Remember what happened with Arnold Schwarzennegar? He felt nurses, whose average salary in California was already more than $100,000, tried to restrain additional raises. Well, the nurses union then mounted a multimillion dollar campaign against him and now the governor is Jerry Brown. Politicians care more about one thing than anything else: Getting reelected."
Susan was very pro-union and didn't want to get into a debate about it so she said, "I told Ben I'd only be here a short while. I should leave."
Linda said, "I really appreciate your coming to visit me. It hasn't been easy."
Linda walked Susan to the door and gave her a hug, another hug that was too long for a platonic good-bye, and this time Susan started to feel tingly and couldn't pull away. Linda took Susan's face and moved to kiss her, but that was too much for Susan and she turned away.
"Would you come back? There's more I'd like to tell you about work."
Susan said an unconvincing "Sure," muttered the quickest "Bye" and escaped.
Episode 7The Diversity WorkshopIn the previous episode, Linda told Susan travails of being a new HR manager. As Susan was leaving, Linda gave her another too-long good-bye hug but this time, Susan didn't pull away but refused Linda's kiss, although agreed to come back to "hear more about what was going on with Linda at work."
Linda was surprised that Susan actually called her to get together.
When Susan arrived, she asked, "So, what are the latest adventures of Linda Wright, HR novice?"
"Well, I just led a diversity training workshop. Actually, they now want us to call it "communication training." You could just tell that people didn't want to be there: a lot of slouching, no one raising their hand, iPhone praying...
"What's that?"
Oh, looking down at you smartphone.. Anyway, finally someone enthusiastically raised their hand. I was grateful until he opened his mouth, "You made us take this Myers-Briggs Test and, you said if you know the other person's sign, I mean, category, that's supposed to help you figure out how to work better with that person. Well, when I was in college, I remember reading in my psychology textbook that Myers-Briggs predictions aren't much more accurate than a horoscope. Why are you making us do this?" I had no idea what to say, so I simply said, "The Myers-Briggs is used by people all over the world." He snickered, "So what? People all over the world believe in angels."
Susan also didn't know what to say, so she simply said, "I'm sorry, Linda."
Linda continued, "And that wasn't the worst thing that happened. I had just gone on and on about how wonderful it is that the ADA gives rights to physically and mentally disabled workers, that homophobia is on the decline with marriage equality spreading, and a Black guy said, "I haven't heard you express any concern about the plight of African-Americans. As the media keeps pointing out, racism is alive and well in America." I felt defensive and I said, 'You're absolutely right. That's a major reason we're having this workshop today. As Presidents Clinton, Obama, and now President Hillary Clinton have all said, 'We need to have an honest conversation about race.' As I was saying that, I saw Latino, White, and Asian participants fold up. They weren't going to take the risk of being honest about race. The rest of the four hours was filled mainly with platitudes that felt no more likely to change behavior than the team-building activities in the forest were to make the administrators work better back at the office."
I figured the workshop would do no good, but I didn't think it would do bad, but a week afterward, a supervisor of janitors came into my office, terrified because one of the attendees filed a grievance against him.The supervisor explained, 'He asked me for flex time because he said he had depression and the Americans with Disabilities Act requires me to make reasonable accommodations. Well, it wasn't reasonable The classrooms have to be cleaned between 3:00 and 5:30. Before that, the kids are in class and after that, the building has to close to comply with energy efficiency regulations."
"I then asked the supervisor, 'But couldn't you give him other duties?'"
He said, 'I often did but he was always slow and he kept taking time off--maximum vacation days, maximum sick days, and when those ran out, he claimed his full 12 weeks off saying he's allowed to under the Family and Medical Leave Act. The fact is, he's lazy. Period. So I started the procedure for letting him go but right when he got the first notice, he claimed I was retaliating for his wanting ADA accommodations. Total lie. Really.'"
Perhaps Linda's sad tale was just an excuse but Susan then slid over toward Linda's side of the sofa and hugged her and then kissed her, deeply. But just as suddenly, Susan pulled away. "Linda, I'm sorry. I'm sorry. This is not me. Really. really."
Linda reached for her but Susan jumped up and to the door.
Linda, I can't see you again. I can't. I just can't. I gotta go. Bye, Linda. I'm sorry."
Linda plodded to her bedroom and pulled out her stash.
Episode 8No Guarantees
In the previous episode, Linda recounted to Susan the challenges of being a newbie in HR, especially a generalist having to know it all, especially in a challenging school district rife with contentiousness. Not surprisingly, Linda turned more and more to her herbaceous escape.
Linda's stress came not just from her job but from her son Darrell. Even as Christmas was approaching, Darrell was not imbued with the spirit of peace and good will to all, not even to his mother. All it took is for Linda to press him to do his homework or ask him where he was going, to elicit such guilt-inducing ploys as, "I hate you, mom. No, I hate you, Linda."
She had been coughing more but figured that's just what happens to people who smoke a lot, whether pot or tobacco. Indeed, despite her formidable pot habit, cigarettes repulsed her. "Cancer sticks," she called them. But a few days before Christmas, her cough was bothering her more so she figured she'd visit the doctor to see if she could get some cough medicine stronger than Robitussin.
The doctor told her, "It's probably nothing but let's get a scan just to be sure." Parodying doctors' use of the royal we, she joked, "Okay, you first." She was surprised that she could get a same-day appointment. The clerk explained, "Only because it's just a few days before Christmas."
The next day, the doctor's office called, asking her to come in. She knew that wouldn't be to prescribe cough syrup. She got nervous, very nervous. So she called Susan and asked if she would come to the doctor's with her, and she did.
Usually, the nurse would escort her from the waiting room to the doctor's office but this time, the doctor came out himself. That made her even more nervous. With a smile and informality that seemed forced, he said, "Come on in Ms Wright. Your friend can come too if you like."
He ushered them to seats in his office, piled-high with file folders and journals. The photos of his family seemed incongruous. Maintaining that upbeat demeanor that doctors are trained to exude, he said words that belied that. "Don't worry but we found a bit of cancer in your throat that we need to take out. It looks very early. Of course, there are no guarantees but I'm confident that if we remove it and do a quick course of radiation, you'll be fine." All that stuck were "cancer," "remove it," "radiation," and worst of all, "no guarantees."
Linda was pretty much in a daze as they scheduled her surgery, certainly glad Susan was there.
As they returned to Linda's house, Susan asked, "Would you like me to come in?" Linda nodded.
They sat in their usual place, at ends of the sofa, this time looking into the fire and Christmas tree. Linda was grateful that Darrell was at his father's for Christmas. How could she tell him?!--even if he had been making a habit of saying, "I hate you, Linda!"
Susan said all the right things: "It's just out-patient surgery. One hour, no biggie." And, "I know someone who had radiation and said it was no big deal." But all Susan could think of was "cancer," radiation," and "no guarantees." And so Linda cried, and so did Susan. And they hugged. And they made love.
After, Susan was surprised at what she was feeling. She, who had been straight her whole life and had a monogamous relationship with Ben, was not wracked with guilt. She did have an irrational moment: "Could making love with someone with cancer be contagious?" She had heard of a few couples in which one person got cancer and then the partner got it a year or two later. But mainly, Susan felt maternal, that she gave Linda what she most needed then, nurturance.
Linda sat up and said, "I need to rethink everything."
Episode 9Paroxysms
In the previous episode, Linda was diagnosed with Stage I throat cancer. Susan's supportiveness built an intimacy between them that pushed away Susan's resistance, and they made love.
An adversity often triggers a paroxysm of response. So Linda stopped smoking pot cold-turkey, and before school even reopened in the New Year, she developed a comprehensive anti-drug initiative for the district: articles on the website, bring in speakers to schools and district office, and a rally to rescind Washington State's legalization of pot.
As the doctor and Susan predicted, the cancer surgery and radiation treatments were not that bad. Indeed, at the rally, Linda had recovered enough to give a talk. In it, she asked her son up to the podium and said. "Darrell, I didn't want to tell you because I didn't want to worry you, but I just finished getting treated for cancer.The doctors tell me I'm fine now, so don't worry. Why am I telling you now? Because the doctors say my smoking pot may have caused it. Darrell, I love you so much. I decided to admit all this in front of everyone in hopes that somehow that will make you not do it." He said, "I won't mom." But his tone wasn't altogether convincing.
After work, Linda volunteered for hospice, specifically asking to work with cancer patients. Terrified of the cancer recurring, spreading, and of a painful death, she figured that working with dying patients could desensitize her or help her make peace with the possibility--as psychiatrist Irvin Yalom wrote, "by staring into the sun." At minimum, she'd pay-forward the nurturance Susan had shown her when Linda got her diagnosis.
One day in mid January, a district administrator and a person wearing a shirt embroidered, "United Employment Testing, Inc" showed up at Linda's office without an appointment. The administrator said, "Linda, I'm sorry to have to do this but we received a report from a teacher at the school where you were principal, which we then had independently corroborated by another teacher, that in your previous position, you appeared to be under the influence in school. So I need to ask you to take a drug test now."
Linda's face flushed with anger, filled instantly with an avalanche of thoughts, "The district lawyers promised they wouldn't reveal that, but I guess teachers could have suspected,. But why would they tell on me?!" Maybe I could pass the test--I haven't smoked in three weeks. Oh no, it takes a month for it to clear from my system." In just that moment, she went from calm to fury to limp.
Linda failed the test and was then asked if she wanted to go through the legal process of defending herself or preferred to quit. She thought, "First, cancer and now this? I don't have the strength to fight it. I mean, even when I was healthy, I was terrible at defending myself."
So she quit. Now what?Episode 10The Power of a Ticking Clock
A year passed, with Susan and Linda seeing each other but only infrequently, to reduce the risk of disrupting Susan's relationship with Ben. Linda's son Darrell continued to "underperform" but Linda overperformed. Her cancer scare and stopping pot made her well-focused on her anti-pot crusade. Her work at hospice made even the thought of a recurrence and of death less scary.
That was a good thing because the cough that had signaled her cancer returned. "Is it really the same cough? Should I wait and see if it goes away? Even if it doesn't go away, maybe I shouldn't bother with the doctor: With a recurrence, they'll probably really torture me: surgery, radiation, chemotherapy, and even that probably won't be worth the torture. It'll just weaken me, I'll have shitty quality of life, and then I'll die. But what if I'm wrong? If the doctor tells me it's nothing, I'll feel so great. And even if it is a recurrence, it doesn't mean a death sentence or even some terrible treatment. I'm going to go to the doctor but I'm going to ask Susan to come with me."
Linda had scans and blood tests, and returned to the doctor's office for the results, Susan by her side. It was the worst: "It's Stage 4, Linda. I'm so sorry." The doctor then discussed treatment options using the studied oncologist optimism---everyone needs hope. Linda was freaked out but Susan asked the hard questions about the probabilities and the answers were discouraging. "Yes, there's some chance the chemotherapy could give you enough extra time to be worth going through it. Or you might try an experimental treatment, which is pretty tough but may give you an even better chance." At that point, Linda mustered one question, "If I choose to have no treatment, then what?" "You should have a few good months and then you can always choose hospice, which will keep you comfortable." Linda nodded and said the ironic, "Thank you."
The ticking clock made Linda devote even more time to her anti-marijuana work. At one of her talks, a grungily-dressed audience member asked her, "Why just keep pot illegal? Why not booze and cigarettes, huh?" Linda's response surprised herself as well as the audience; "You're right: Booze and cigarettes are even worse. If the state cared about we the people more than we our tax dollars, they'd make all of them illegal."
That question fueled Linda to substitute anti-substance abuse work even for her favorite pleasures: golf, TV dramas, even trips to see family. When she received an invitation to her cousin's third wedding in Topeka, she checked the "cannot attend" box without hesitation.
Her work yielded many memorable moments. For example, after one of her talks, a dad and his son told her that they're now Linda Wright groupies--going to all her talks because after the first one, his son admitted that he smoked cigarettes and stole pot from his dad. Now both of them have stopped.
Linda did well for longer than the few months the doctor predicted. It was a year until the inevitable happened.
Episode 11From Generation to Generation
In the previous episode, the ticking clock of Linda's cancer made her more productive than she had ever been in her life. On a crusade against substance abuse--pot, alcohol, tobacco--she touched many lives, especially because she was candid about her own story, including her throat cancer. But finally, the cancer was to beat her.
Susan had no idea what hospice would be like. She envisioned a not-quite-hospital like place. Actually, today's version is at home. Hospice simply means that the person has less than six months to live and rather than prolong life, the patient or guardian opts for hospice care, which makes the patient as comfortable as possible, and that includes living in her own bed.
And that's where we find Linda, with Susan, Susan's father, her now live-in boyfriend Ben, son Adam, and Linda's son Darrell, surrounding her bed. To break the ice, Susan tried, "It's like we're around a piano bar and you're the keyboard." That wasn't funny enough.
Linda was clearly near the end: wan, too thin, her breathing labored. Struggling, she began, "I didn't think I'd want you all here now but I do. Thank you. I became a principal because I liked to give talks and would you mind if I give you one now?
"I'm not sure how much energy I'll have so I'll start with the most important thing first. I've spent a lot of time trying to figure out what the life well-led is. It's not materialism--that's like an addiction where you need an ever stronger dose. It's not pleasure--I spent a lot of time high and that's just a waste of a lot of heartbeats. I think the life well-led is as simple as being good: using your abilities to do good on the job, in your volunteer work, and with everyone you meet--even the supermarket clerk.
"Darrell, when I stopped smoking pot, I forgot about one of my stashes. Today, I looked for it and it was almost empty. Darrell, I'm scared for you. I know I can't make you stop. Your dad sure can't. I know you think you'll live forever. I know you think you can handle it. I know you think it won't affect your memory. I know you think it won't make you less motivated. I know you think it won't give you cancer. I hope you're right."
Susan said, "I promise to carry on with your work." Everyone else except Darrell nodded. Sam, far from the stereotype of the corporate executive he is, cried.
Linda closed her eyes. And Darrell too started to cry and said, "Me too, mom. I swear."
And this time, everyone believed him.
And that concludes Part IV of Days of our Work Lives. Now I begin work on Part V: Sam's Saga.
Tonight, I Debate: Should Marijuana be Legalized?
Tonight, I debate prominent libertarian, Dr. Michael Edelstein on the question, "Should marijuana be legalized?" I take the no position. The public is invited.It's at Opera Plaza, mezzanine level. 601 Van Ness St. San Francisco. It's $15, including dinner.
For more info, click HERE.
March 6, 2014
A Five-Minute Course in Finding Contentment
I was curious which of my 1,250 blog posts has been read most often. Three stood out:How I Could Live Decently on $20,000 a Year
Top 10 Ways to Gain Willpower
The Peter Pan Syndrome: Why Smart People Fail
So today, I went back and tuned each of those up.
It would take you just five minutes total to read all three and it just might be of real value to you.
March 5, 2014
Marty Nemko on the Adam Carolla Show
I've never been on a show in which profanity is allowed...until yesterday. I was on the Adam Carolla Show.We talked about who should and shouldn't go to college. HERE is the link to the show. My segment begins at 18:10 and lasts about 15 minutes.
February 27, 2014
The End of Jobs...Hurray?
Here's an advance look at my next column in the Mensa publication, The Intelligencer.
The End of Jobs…Hurray? by Marty Nemko
By now, everyone knows the unemployment rate severely masks the true employment situation. Not only does it not count people who have given up on looking for work, it doesn’t count the underemployed: for example, college-degree holders with jobs that don’t require a degree, or people working part-time/temp when they’d prefer a full-time, secure position.
Ever more jobs are automated. Bank teller jobs have been replaced by ATMs, supermarket cashier jobs by self-checkout, tolltakers by FastTrak. In the face of increased minimum wage and living wage ordinances, robotic fast-food preparers and servers have been developed: custom burger and burrito makers in California, sushi makers in Japan, cookie makers in Poland. The automated barista may replace that failsafe job—Starbucks barista. There’s a robot bookstore clerk and IBM is developing a robot retail clothing clerk. Many but not all customers will prefer that to the $10 an hour pushy but often incompetent sales clerk. And retail employers will prefer not having to worry about employees taking sick days when not sick, being bad with customers, and/or quitting soon after being trained—turnover in retail is over 100 percent. Bartending jobs are at-risk. I just went to a dance at a venue where the bartender was a machine: stick your credit card in, pick your drink from the screen, and out it comes, just like from a soda vending machine. Leading companies such as Google, FedEx, and Amazon are investing big in driverless vehicles—bye-bye jobs as taxi drivers, truck drivers, bus drivers, even train engineers. Even home-building is at risk. 3D-printers are projected to be able to print homes out of concrete in under a day—bye-bye thousands of construction jobs.
And of course, there’s offshoring. While politicians keep urging more Americans to major in a tough science, technology, engineering, or math (STEM) field, ever more of those tech jobs are being offshored, notably to India and China, which have a long tradition of valuing science, math, and technology, and populations many times the size of the U.S.’s. That can only accelerate as ever more work product can be sent over the internet. Ever more companies are figuring, “Why should I pay American wages plus Workers Comp, Disability, Social Security, ObamaCare, paid family leave, Americans with Disabilities Act compliance costs, plus that of ever increasing employee lawsuits, when I can get someone in Asia for a small fraction of the cost? Are American workers really so superior?”
In a TED talk, Dr. Thomas Frey, Google’s top-rated futurist speaker, projects that, by 2030, half of all jobs worldwide, two billion, will be lost. An Oxford University study projects that half of U.S. jobs will be lost just to automation. One could quibble with the percentage but our job security certainly will be at ever greater risk.
Then what will happen?
It’s easy to project a dystopian scenario: mass unemployment leading to mass destitution, armed robberies, and drug abuse to anesthetize the pain.
But I prefer to present a more hopeful vision. Just possibly, the end of jobs will be a net positive for society.
With fewer people earning good incomes, only companies that provide basic products and services will thrive. That will be good for the environment. For example, car manufacturing will shrink and sell only affordable, economical cars. And people will repair and repair their old vehicles rather than buy new. Even if government takes over the airlines, the cost of planes, fuel, maintenance, and personnel will discourage people from flying. Again, good for the environment.
Also, today’s materialistic society tempts people to cut ethical corners to make more money so they can buy more stuff: new car, nicer clothes and jewelry, fancier vacations, live in 3,000 fancy square feet rather than 1,000 serviceable ones. In an economy in which fewer people are working let alone earning big bucks, materialism would be less core to societal values, reducing those pressures to be unethical.
Plus, with people having more time, more people will replace gratification from “stuff” with gratification from learning, creative arts, and in relationships from mentorship to family to involvement in pro-social organizations: from Rotary to SmileTrain to Mensa.
I'm not at all sure things will play out as I lay them out here. Too many other factors can be at play. This is just one scenario. I can envision more positive and more negative ones.
In the meantime
Even if you have a good job, might this column’s look at the future justify reconsidering your priorities? Yes, perhaps do more to secure your employment: upgrade your skills, work a little harder, build relationships with people who can abet your career, consider starting a business. But might replacing a materialistic lifestyle with a more meaningful one be good preparation not only for a jobless future but for your current life?
February 26, 2014
Passing the Baton: The Practical and Psychological How-Tos of Succession Planning
In today's post on AOL, I talk about how to pass the baton. The fancy term is succession planning.When you leave a job: because you're fired, laid off, off to another job, or retiring, you want to leave a legacy. That's also true when you're selling a business. In this article, I discuss how to do that: practical advice plus the often difficult psychological issues.
February 25, 2014
Bah, Foodie Food: The Best-Tasting Foods I've Ever Eaten
I know that many people like trendy food like free-range, sustainably grown, organic grass-fed arugula in a citrus balsamic vinagrette topped with pan-seared sun-dried tomatoes on a bed of whole-wheat bulgar.
Sure, that crap is said to be healthy and environmentally responsible but at the risk of being politically incorrect, may I say that--to my unsophisticated taste buds--most foodie food tastes like doody. All right, that's a bit hyperbolic. Let's just say I think it tastes worse than normal food. Not to mention that it's expensive and the portions microscopic--It usually works out to about $200 a pound. Lest you think I exaggerate, have you ever been to a restaurant where they serve an appetizer on a gargantuan plate that's completely empty except for, in the middle, one shrimp? $12.95 for a one-ounce shrimp. That comes to $207 a pound. To provide a mote of counterbalance to foodie phantasmagoria, here are the best-tasting things I've ever eaten with an occasional rationale (It's probably fairer to say "rationalization") for why it's not so bad for you.
1. A client just turned me onto cotswold cheddar---It's creamy crack. 10.99 a pound at Trader Joe's.
2. Garlic cheese bread. I can't even conceive of anything tastier. Try THIS heart attack on a small plate. Actually, recent evidence suggests that dietary cholesterol doesn't increase your heart attack risk. Alas, the calories do.Simpler variation: plain 'ol grilled cheese with tomato or tomato soup. Try making grilled cheese with the aforementioned cotswold cheddar.
3. Costco apple pie: $9.99 for a pie that feels as heavy as a bowling ball. Ridiculous bargain.
Of course, it wouldn't be complete without vanilla ice cream. Any will do but I usually go for Breyer's vanilla. Compared with say, Haagen Daz, it's less sweet, less calorific, is all-natural, and the vanilla bean flecks delude me into thinking it's healthier. See what a health nut I am? Oh and Breyers is less than half the price of those super-"premium," super-priced, super-fattening pints, which are just small enough to tempt me to knock-off an entire container in one sitting or standing. (Silly to risk putting that little bit back in the freezer, where it would grow ice crystals.)
4. Thai yellow chicken curry at a good hole-in-the-wall restaurant. (You can usually find one on Yelp.) They often use too much fish sauce, a salty brew that drowns out the yummy curry, so ask them to go easy on the sauce, fish sauce, that is. 
5. A good croissant. You'd think that a local bakery's would be best but unless you're close to a great patisserie, you won't find any better (or cheaper) than Costco's: $5.99 a dozen. Or try THESE frozen babies from Trader Joe's. Or if you want to go sweet, try TJ's also-frozen Kouigns Amanns. They're to die for, hopefully not literally.
Noting my relentless touting of Trader Joe's and Costco stuff, I feel the need to reassure you that neither TJ's nor Costco is paying me a penny to swoon over their products. Actually no one has ever offered me a penny to swoon over anything.
6. A crisp fuji apple. Get around the healthiness by enjoying the apple with your favorite blue cheese. Mine is--you guessed it--Trader Joe's Cave-Aged ($6.99 a pound.) 
7. While I'm, for a moment, thinking healthy, I love good corn on the cob. Yeah, I know, it's high in carbs and sugar. Make it worse by bathing it in butter.
8. Last and weirdest, I love sliced bananas in nonfat plain yogurt, perhaps adding cinnamon At least it's healthy--unless you're a vegan, who insists dairy is death.
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