Stewart Home's Blog, page 7

A Boil In The Bag Blog

This blog is designed to be heated from either frozen or thawed. Use a pot big enough to hold 1 to 1 ½ gallons of water. Bring water to a rolling boil. At least 24 hours earlier you should have printed out a copy of this blog, placed it in an supermarket carrier bag and frozen. Remove blog from your freezer (or fridge if you have defrosted it – please note once frozen this blog should always be defrosted in a fridge and never at room temperature), place in boiling water and set a timer according how soggy you like your prose. When the timer goes off, carefully pour the hot water and bagged blog into a colander that has been placed in a clean sink. Once all the water has drained, open the bag and carefully pour the blog into a serving dish and offer for sale as a work of art for £5000 (or your local currency equivalent). You should film the printing, freezing and boiling of this blog. Edited highlights may be posted on YouTube, Vimeo and other web platforms of your choice.

And while you’re at it don’t forget to check – www.stewarthomesociety.org – you know it makes (no) sense!

10 Best Ways To Fail

1. Elegantly – that’s with a massive advance from a production company or publisher and no audience!

2. Spectacularly – as success slips from you’re fingers you realise that in a few moments you’ll be dead!

3. Hypocritically – by being evil when your motto is ‘don’t be evil’!

4. Hypothetically – that’s when your visualisations of your future success are so good you can’t be bothered with the actuality.

5. Happily – by realising that you didn’t want a house in the Hollywood Hills or to be chased around by the paparazzi anyway.

6. Secretly – since all success is relative and is ultimately an illusion.

7. Excessively – by falling down assorted search engine rankings after massively over-optimising the SEO on your website and being penalised for it.

8. Technically – due to injury you escape without personal blame for your lack of success.

9. Categorically – by aiming too high and trying too hard (i.e. by willing something that could never become so-called ‘universal law’).

10. Ethically – by being unfaithful to everything you ever believed in (especially if that happens to be the sanctity of marriage or monogamy).

And while you’re at it don’t forget to check – www.stewarthomesociety.org – you know it makes (no) sense!

Retail Sector Continues To Wash Dirty Lingerie In Public

The UK’s double dip recession has led to some wacky transformations in the  retail sector. Among the less welcome of these are the continuing transformation of central London into a shopping theme park. Having ruined parts of east London with Olympics developments, the planners now want to turn those parts of The City between Holborn and Cheapside into a so-called  ‘shopper’s paradise’ too – so the suburban middle-class can have days out in town where they enjoy retail therapy a-go-go all the way from Oxford Street to Spitalfields.

Right now there is also a race on to open new (as well as revamp old) London stores before the start of the Olympics. One of the new to the UK market retailers is America lingerie giant Victoria’s Secret – their Bond Street store opens on 25 July. Given the ongoing obesity crisis maybe Bravissimo is where the retail trade should expect a real expansion in this sector of the market. Bravissimo sell lingerie, swimwear, clothing and nightwear for D to L cup women. There may or may not be a retail bonanza in London from tourists during the Olympics – but does anyone really expect this madness to continue afterwards?

Casting aside underwear and moving on to groceries, it is being suggested that the average UK consumer is now so broke that multi-buy offers (discounting for multiple purchases) may soon be a thing of the past. These days people are increasingly going out with a list of what they need for the week and will buy nothing else. No matter how good the offer, the impoverished majority are increasingly just not interested in buying anything more than their immediate needs. Hence the return of the once mighty budget supermarket Kwiksave – which closed down in 2007. Now a franchise operation owned by Costcutter, the first of the new Kwiksave convenience stores opened at 21 Market Street, Little Lever, Bolton, about a month ago. There are plans for a second revamped Kwiksave to open somewhere in Scotland soon.

Moving on again, I’m amazed that the likes of Watersones, HMV and JJB Sports have hung on in there on as UK chain stores. Waterstones is currently revamping it’s bookshops and doing what was previously thought unthinkable – selling Amazon Kindle readers. HMV has also turned more to flogging hardware – having seen music and DVD sales collapse. The JJB Sports plan is to have more exclusive product – it’s been making a huge loss and really ought to do the decent thing and close! It really can’t compete with the unashamedly cheap and nasty Sports Direct! But remember kids, ultimately it isn’t just these shops that are gonna die – capitalism itself can’t survive forever!

And while you’re at it don’t forget to check – www.stewarthomesociety.org – you know it makes (no) sense!

Ken Campbell, Nina Conti & Me

Nina Conti is a showbiz ‘personality’ who has just revealed – to promote her new TV film A Ventriloquist’s Story – that she was theatre maverick Ken Campbell’s lover in the mid-nineties (when he was twice her age). Conti claims Campbell decided she was ‘a clown who didn’t want to wear a nose’ so he sent her a teach yourself ventriloquism kit. And Conti now seems to credit learning ventriloquism with kick-starting her career – although the fact she comes from a showbiz family must have helped too!

Conti’s current publicity drive reminded me of my own encounters with Ken Campbell (minus the affair, scandal lovers). Back in February 2000 I did a reading at The Conway Hall in central London with Campbell, Nick Cave, Michael Moorcock and Iain Sinclair. After seeing me perform, Campbell approached me excitedly and said: “You have a completely stone face. You were born to be a ventriloquist. I want to teach you!” At that time I was a bit too busy to take up Campbell’s kind offer of free ventriloquism lessons – but I did teach myself the art a few years later and incorporated it into my public readings.

Now I’m wondering whether it was just Conti and me, or if Campbell told virtually everyone he met that they ought to be a ventriloquist? Not that it really matters. The suggestion that I hook up with a dummy set me off in a productive direction! Nonetheless, I rather like the idea of Campbell telling hundreds of people they should be ventriloquists! It would be a suitably surreal thing for him to have been doing! And I really would like to know if anyone else took up ventriloquism after Campbell suggested it to them….

And while you’re at it don’t forget to check – www.stewarthomesociety.org – you know it makes (no) sense!

Is Zurker A Facebook Killer? Or Is Adblock Plus?

Yesterday I joined cooperative social networking site Zurker. Like Diaspora before it this one is being promoted as a potential Facebook killer. To take over from Facebook any new social networking site needs a critical mass and we haven’t seen this happen yet – but presumably will do at some point. After all, Facebook effectively killed MySpace, and MySpace effectively killed Friendster. However the mechanisms for taking over from Facebook may be more complicated than Zurker founder Nick Oba realises. That said I’m giving Zucker a go and if you want to do so as well you can get an invite to participate in the site’s beta testing by clicking here.

I’m still posting a few times a week at both Diaspora and even occasionally at Identic.Ca (promoted as an ethical version of Twitter) but as yet I haven’t seen much action on  either. Ultimately the real Facebook killer might turn out to be software rather than a rival site. One of the things that drove the Facebook share price down immediately after the floatation (aside from the obvious over-valuation) was a forecast about a downturn in revenue due to increasing numbers of people accessing the site via smart phone browsers that didn’t carry advertising. Now suppose there was also a much higher take up of software that blocks advertising from computer web browsers and that this really spooked the markets? That could create the kind of turmoil around Facebook that might make it more vulnerable to another site taking over a substantial proportion of its users. So maybe more people using Adblock Plus is potentially the real Facebook killer – since Mark Zuckerberg is much more under pressure from outside forces now he’s taken his company public.

And while you’re at it don’t forget to check – www.stewarthomesociety.org – you know it makes (no) sense!

The Most Boring Blog Post In The World Evah Pt 2: Repetition

I was going to repost my last blog under the almost new title above (I’ve changed the number and subheading) – but then figured it really would be too boring to do this. Besides if you want to read “The Most Boring Blog Post In The World Evah Pt 1: Supermarket stock control” two or more times, all you have to do is click on the link I’ve added to the title here and then you can go over it as much as you like!

But don’t forget kids that the French philosopher of vitalism Henri Bergson claimed repetition is the basis of all humour! So remember to laugh out loud when you read through this post a second time – and every time thereafter! And strangely enough Søren Kierkegaard – the first but sadly not the last existentialist philosopher – calls boredom the demonic side of pantheism and this is something I’ve p0inted out more than once before! So laugh louder for me now!

And while you’re at it don’t forget to check – www.stewarthomesociety.org – you know it makes (no) sense!

The Most Boring Blog Post In The World Evah Pt 1: Supermarket stock control

There are many ways to make yourself stand out online and one of them is to do things in the worst or most boring way possible. Since this blog is mainly an outta sight groove sensation I figured a few really boring posts would draw both interest and  attention to how good most of what I put up here actually is! And obviously the best place to start when aiming for ennui is with something that is not only dull but also frustrates us all – such as supermarket stock control.

Like many people I get my shopping in a number of outlets in order to obtain everything at the cheapest possible price. Now Waitrose isn’t a store I buy that much in but I do dig the Village Bakery Rossisky Organic Rye loaf they stock (made without wheat and with no added bakers yeast) – which is way better than the crummy packaged slices of rye bread stocked by the likes of Tesco and Sainsburys. To achieve best value I get the 800g rather than the 400g Rossisky rye loaf. However, at least half the times I go to buy one of these, Waitrose are sold out of the large and only have the smaller loaf. Which means going back again to get the bread later. Likewise, right now Waitrose have Lavazza coffee on offer so it is the cheapest place to buy it – if they have any in stock, because unfortunately whenever Waitrose have anything on offer it is usually cleared off the shelves when I go to look for it.

Tesco rarely have the non-diary brands of milk I want in stock regardless of whether they are on offer or not. And that shouldn’t be a problem right now because Alpro Soya Milk is on offer in Waitrose. Unfortunately but unsurprisingly when I went into a Waitrose a couple of hours ago all the on special offer soya milk had gone. I could run through all the different supermarkets I use and how they fail me in terms of stock control but I won’t (that would take us way beyond most people’s boredom threshold). The grocery chain that rarely lets me down is Farm Foods but then there’s really only one thing I get there – Nicky bog roll (the best value toilet paper on the market – 18 generous rolls for £4). The problem with Farm Foods is, of course, they have no stores anywhere near the centre of London – the closest is in Walthamstow, doh!

So there you have it, supermarket stock control not only effects our lives it is also quite possibly the most boring subject you could pick to blog about. Of course I could continue with this subject for thousands more words – but that really would be too much!

And while you’re at it don’t forget to check – www.stewarthomesociety.org – you know it makes (no) sense!

Poetry & Posture

Recently I’ve become hyper-aware of not being able to concentrate on readings by writers who stand or sit really badly. Is this a problem for anyone else? It seems to be particularly bad amongst poets although I also notice it with some fiction writers. I just can’t take in what someone reading their work is saying when they place way too much weight on one side of their body throughout their performance, or if they’re slumped really badly. Instead of paying attention to their work, I’m just fixated on the aesthetically unpleasing way in which they hold themselves!

Too many of the poets (in particular) who I see performing look like they spend all their time reading and writing – or else combining those activities with a university job (or some similar time wasting white collar employment). They either need to use a gym or get a labouring job, so that they shape up their bodies and gain better posture… and if more poets don’t start doing this then I’m going to boycott their readings!

And while you’re at it don’t forget to check – www.stewarthomesociety.org – you know it makes (no) sense!

Spaced Out At Space

When my show Again, A Time Machine opened on 5 April I broke all records for attendance at a Space Studios event in London. I had another great turn out for the close of the exhibition last night. But then that’s hardly surprising. First off there were readings by Katrina Palmer, Bridget Penney and me. I kicked off with a couple of pieces from old books (Memphis Underground & 69 Things To Do With A Dead Princess), and concluded this section of the evening with my usual headstand reading from Blood Rites of the Bourgeoisie. Katrina read a couple of new stories and a passage from The Dark Object – part of the Semina series I edited for Book Works. Bridget read a long passage from Index – also included in my Semina series.

After that there was music in the courtyard (mostly selected by me although after a couple of hours someone else took over on the tunes front) and a barbecue. There was also plenty of booze. But better yet there were kung fu films inside where we’d had the readings earlier. First off Godfrey Ho’s schlock po-mo classic Scorpion Thunderbolt (1988). Fight and sex scenes featuring b-movie micro-star Richard Harrison are cut fairly randomly into a Hong Kong horror movie that’s been bought off the shelf. Copyright is infringed left, right and centre, on the soundtrack – the most extraordinary example being the use of Jean Michel Jarre’s Oxygene for a sex scene in a porno cinema!

We followed this with Jimmy Wang-Yu’s Master of the Flying Guillotine (1976) – another copyright infringing martial arts classic! Aside from a shed load of crazy and entertaining fights, the flick also boasts an uncleared kraut rock soundtrack, making it a truly formidable example of cultural hybridity. Many of those present who were unfamiliar with these movies were truly amazed by what they’d been missing out on…. Unfortunately I didn’t get to see them projected onto the big screen because I was talking to more people than I can remember…. I won’t attempt to list them all but among the more recognisable art world figures I will mention Clunie Reid, Elizabeth Price, Simon Bedwell and Chris Dorley-Brown.

And even those who opted for nosh, booze and chat in the gallery courtyard had a great time – since I’d programmed so many groovy sixties and seventies soul sounds. And of course everyone also had a final chance to take a gander at my fabulous mini-retrospective! Yes it was so great someone stole a piece of work at the opening – not that this was the first time this had happened to me; you’d have to go all the way back to the opening of Desire In Ruins at Transmission Gallery in Glasgow (May 1987) to unearth the initial incident of this type in my art world anti-career! And finally many people were left spaced out at Space – suffering from Stendhal Syndrome after getting to take in some of my visual work!

And while you’re at it don’t forget to check – www.stewarthomesociety.org – you know it makes (no) sense!

Nick Lezard’s Wacky Birthday Bash

Nick Lezard is a journalist with a reputation for championing the overlooked when it comes to books (as well as for being able to drink any writer you care to name under the table). I wouldn’t normally make the effort of going to west London for a birthday bash but last night I made an exception as I’ve known Nick for some time now. OK so Marylebone is virtually in central London – but these days it is rare for me to take a tube as far as Edgeware Road unless I’m going to Paddington Station or Heathrow Airport. And as far as I’m concerned anything the other side of Regent Street is west London anyway….

When I turned up fashionably late at The Duke of Wellington in Crawford Street, Nick asked: “Where’s Tom McCarthy?” I’d introduced him to Tom, so it became my job to phone McCarthy and find out why he wasn’t present. Sickness was the answer. Nick had plenty of old friends around for his birthday drinks. Nonetheless, he told me he was amused when Tom and Polly Samson (as well as yours truly) had all told him we were coming. He liked the eclecticism of the writers who’d announced they’d attend his do. Samson turned up, so two out of three ain’t bad! Besides, as far as opposites go you couldn’t do much better than Samson and me.

Samson seemed to be enjoying herself and I had a bit of a laugh by bringing up one of her friends and calling him Trike (a deliberate mispronunciation on my part). I didn’t let on that I’d met him at the launch of a Joe Boyd book and he’d been banging on about his connection to Pink Floyd. This old school rock group are of no interest to me – but Samson has sung with them and co-written some Floyd songs in recent years (although she’s best known as a journalist).

Ultimately I didn’t have much to say to Samson and vice versa. It only occurred to me later that I should have told her that while I found her son Charlie Gilmour swinging off a flag at the student demos in 2010 mildly amusing, it is much better to burn the Union Jack…. Maybe Nick was right and if Tom McCarthy had been present we’d have had more cross-talk – given three very different cultural and social perspectives. I didn’t bother telling Samson my mother (Julia Callan-Thompson) saw Pink Floyd quite a few times in London back in the sixties when Syd Barrett was still in the band (way before Samson’s involvement)… That said, when my mother saw Pink Floyd she didn’t pay them that much attention since she preferred the likes of The Incredible String Band and Bob Dylan. Personally I’m much more entranced with my mom’s slightly earlier musical obsession with modern jazz than her folk rock and psychedelic period.

Anyway the booze flowed freely and everyone at Nick Lezard’s birthday drink up had a good time – even if some truly diverse worlds failed to fully meet….

And while you’re at it don’t forget to check – www.stewarthomesociety.org – you know it makes (no) sense!