Chas Newkey-Burden's Blog, page 8

Who is your Person of the Year?

Posted in Uncategorized

Time magazine has named Pope Francis as its Person of the Year.

Who is your Person of the Year?

Keane & Vieira: Best of Enemies

Posted in Uncategorized

I’m looking forward to the Keane & Vieira: Best Of Enemies documentary on ITV4 tonight. They are both magnificent players and two of the most fascinating football personalities of recent decades.

I did an in-depth interview with Keane when I was a fresh-faced staff writer for Shoot magazine. He told me afterwards he was surprised by how open he’d been with me. That often happened: my colleagues called me the baby-faced assassin.

Although I wrote about Vieira extensively and did a few round-table group interviews with him, I never did a one-on-one with the Frenchman. But when I was Dennis Bergkamp’s ghostwriter I frequently bumped into Vieira at Arsenal’s training ground.

One day, Dennis was signing a huge pile of Netherlands replica shirts for us to sell on his website. Vieira strolled in and asked Dennis if he could have one of the shirts for free. Dennis repeatedly, and increasingly angrily, said no. Eventually, Vieira changed tactic and asked me if he could have one of them. So I was left with a dilemma: upset Dennis (one of my all-time favourite Gooners), or upset Vieira (one of my all-time favourite Gooners).

I handed the shirt over without a second’s thought…

Read about my latest Arsenal FC book here.

Shopping in 2013

Posted in Uncategorized

‘Did you find everything you wanted today? Do you have a loyalty card? Would you like a loyalty card? Would you like to supersize that for just 20p extra? Do you have a stamp card? Would you like a stamp card? Would you? Do you want any of these chocolates which are on special offer today? Are you on our mailing list for our catalogue? Could I just take your post code? Do you want three for two? Would you like it gift wrapped? Would you like your receipt in the bag? Are you sure you don’t want a loyalty card?’

Jeez, you’d get an easier ride in Guantanamo Bay. I think I’ll just shop online from now on…

Gilad and the Jerusalem Marathon

Posted in Uncategorized

Q: How do you know if someone has run a marathon?

A: They’ll tell you.

I know this joke is true because I’ve run two marathons. (See – I just told you.)

Gilad Shalit will join the club next year when he runs his first marathon. I remember him asking me questions about training when we spent the day together in London earlier this year. (Because I’d told him that I’ve run marathons.)

I also told him he should give one a go himself. He said he would think about it. He’s now signed up to run the Jerusalem Marathon for Shalva – the association for mentally and physically challenged children in Israel.

What I love most about running is the feeling of freedom it brings. Which makes it all the more fitting that Gilad, who spent five years as a hostage of Hamas, is going to be doing a lot of running in the months ahead.

Good luck for the training and the big day, Gilad. And afterwards, make sure you tell everyone you’ve done it.

I’m a goy for Christ’s sake!

Posted in Uncategorized

This is my latest column for the Jewish Chronicle

As you read these words I will be either lighting Hanukah candles, spinning dreidels or noshing away on latkes. Of course I will be – I’m Jewish, for goodness sake!

Except I’m not Jewish – and as you read these words it is more likely that I will be thinking about what to buy my loved ones for Xmas, or nibbling on a prawn sandwich. Yet, thanks to my noisy support for Israel and my fascination with Jewish mysticism, people often assume I am Jewish.

Clearly, this is not because of my appearance: this is not an inversion of the ‘Funny, you don’t look Jewish’ trope. It’s just that it is widely assumed that to be supportive of Israel, or be at all interested in Judaism, you have to be Jewish, which tells its own sad story.

In the 1940s Oscar-winning film Gentleman’s Agreement, Gregory Peck plays a gentile journalist who pretends to be Jewish in order to investigate anti-Semitism in America. I seem to have inadvertently landed myself with a not dissimilar existence here in England, albeit a slightly more light-hearted version.

For instance, I argue for Israel on my blog, OyVaGoy, on social networks such as Twitter, and in real-life debates. I also give presentations about Israel at schools and colleges. I have received some colourful responses from critics of Israel over the years, as you can imagine. And despite the gentilic giveaway in my blog’s name, these critics quite often assume I am Jewish.

One furious tweeter screeched at me: “If you weren’t Jewish you would see straight through Israel’s lies!” Some days I find it hard to resist engaging with fools, so I asked him what he meant. He replied: “You only support Israel because you were brainwashed as a child at Jewish Free School. Do some research, idiot!”

I pointed out that for various reasons, chiefly because I am a gentile who grew up in south-west London, I didn’t actually go to Jewish Free School. I suggested he do some research himself. He blocked me but I felt I had made my point. Another online loon accused me of being a ‘racist Jewish punk on an anti-gentile crusade’, which sounded exhausting more than anything.

But sometimes the misunderstandings are rather sweet. On more than one occasion I have arrived at a dinner party and, before I have even taken my coat off, the hosts have assured me that they have prepared a ‘kosher’ alternative for me. If this means I get to avoid pork, which I loathe, then I’m more than happy to smile and quietly go along with the misunderstanding. It doesn’t pay to make a fuss, after all. But if I am left nibbling on salmon while other guests feast on prawns or lobster then I am more tempted to say: “I’m a goy, for Christ’s sake!”

I mostly just see it as a bit of fun. This year I ran the Windsor half marathon, which is held on a Sunday, to raise funds for Colel Chabad. One donor said to me: “You chose the Windsor race because it’s not held on the Jewish Sabbath, I assume.” Presumably she also thought I was going to run the 13.2 miles in a black suit, white shirt and furry shtreimel.

The most bizarre remark came from one of the celebrities who have hired me as a ghost-writer. We got on really well, and one day he confided in me that he was an enthusiastic pot-smoker. I told him he could feel free to indulge in front of me. “But my girlfriend told me I mustn’t ever smoke it while you are here,” he replied. “She told me – ‘Be careful with that sort of thing around Chas, he’s Jewish – or something.”’

What a description. But actually, perhaps she got closer to what I am than anyone else. I’m not Jewish. I’m Jewish – or something…

Discover more about my humour books Great Email Disasters and Help I’m Turning Into My Dad

My Adele & Taylor Swift biographies

Posted in Uncategorized

‘For an increasing number of modern celebrities, fame is akin to running on a treadmill set to a sharp incline and high speed. Only by relentless, breathless activity, they have come to believe, can they remain in the place they love most: the fickle spotlight of showbusiness. Albums, films, clothing ranges and other projects are released at a prolific rate. In between such spikes, the celebrities continue to grasp for any opportunity to remind the public they exist, however desperate or ungainly those opportunities.’

So begins the new chapter in the brand new, fully updated edition of my biography of the British singer Adele, which is published now. The original edition was released in 2011 and became an instant bestseller. It gave me my first ever number one in the UK, and the book has now been sold to 14 other countries. I’m so thrilled. I bring her story up to date in the new edition.

Next month, my biography of American singer Taylor Swift will be published as an e-book, with a paperback to follow at the end of January. But you can download the first two chapters of the book free of charge right now.

It’s been an exciting week for Taylor. She duetted with Prince William and Jon Bon Jovi at a charity gala in London. But here is my favourite Taylor song, I’m Only Me When I’m With You. I love it: the chorus fills me with a feeling of invincibility, before the violins and drums take my ears to the best party in the world. This is musical heaven.

Follow me on Twitter

Do you love Tel Aviv?

Posted in Uncategorized

If you love Tel Aviv then you’ll probably love this video, which I stumbled upon on YouTube earlier.

It may make you miss Tel Aviv a bit less. Or it may make you miss Tel Aviv a bit more.

But, for 14 minutes, this simple, naturalistic video will make you feel like you’re right there in the city. I am so excited for my next trip to Israel – roll on March 2014.

Meanwhile, let’s talk about Tel Aviv. What do you love most about it? Which are your favourite hang-outs?

By George!

Posted in Uncategorized

I remember well when the House of Commons began to be televised in the 1990s. It felt slightly surreal to see the famous chamber in action. Previously we could only hear the debates.

Here’s a video which includes George Galloway from the early days of the televising of the Commons. And, well, I wonder if you can guess what topic was on Georgie’s mind…

PS – here’s a post from this time last year recounting how I pranked Galloway.

The point(s) of no return…

Posted in Uncategorized

This is a guest post from David Patrikarakos

Iran’s nuclear bomb is “entering its final stages”, according to an article in the respected defence magazine Jane’s Weekly. Written in 1984. A claim that, to be fair, was only 29 years premature and counting.

Alarmist predictions of Iran’s nuclear capabilities have been in circulation for almost thirty years; I have lost count of the number of times Israel has told us that Iran’s nuclear programme is on the brink of the point of no return. Each time a deadline passes they simply set a new one.

For instance, in 1992 Israel warned that Iran would have a nuclear bomb by 1999. In 1999 Israel claimed that Iran would be nuclear-armed by 2004. In 2009 Israel said Iran would pass the point of no return in 2011. Then, in 2012 Israel stated Iran was six months from a nuclear bomb. On and on it goes. (For an extensive list of such announcements, see here.)

Why has this been such an obsession for the last 30 years? Well, first of all, 30 years tells its own story. This is pretty much the time the Islamic Republic has been in existence (it was founded in 1979 when Ayatollah Ruhollah Khomeini came to power after he helped to overthrow Iran’s Shah, Mohammad Reza Pahlavi).

During the Shah’s rule the USA was content to be a partner in Iran’s nuclear programme – though it was always adamant that the Shah steer clear of nuclear weapons and objected to selling Iran technologies that might be used to proliferate. Despite what is often said, Washington has been consistent on this issue from the very beginning.

But the coming of the Islamic Republic – and more specifically, the 1979-1980 Hostage Crisis, a disgraceful act where a group of Iranian students stormed the US Embassy and took those inside hostage for 444 days – convinced Washington that the Mullahs could not be trusted with nuclear technology. This change in Iranian leadership fuelled fears that Iran was driving toward a bomb that have never abated.

These fears are at the centre of overarching attitudes toward Iran’s nuclear programme, and drive much of what is written about it, especially the deluge of erroneous predictions about Iranian nuclear capability. Consider first that until 2002 (when an Iranian opposition group revealed the extent of Iran’s nuclear activities to the world) it was hard to say just how much progress Iran had made on its programme. For most of the 1980s the country was at war with Iraq and employed a covert, underground nuclear programme. In the absence of certainty, many in Jerusalem and Washington preferred to assume an Iranian bomb was nearer rather than further away; it seemed the safe thing to do.

Then there is the political reason for such claims. Israeli intelligence has had a pretty clear of idea of where Iran is technologically for at least the last 15 years, but the goal is to keep the pressure on the USA and nothing suits this better than repeatedly claiming that Iran is only a few years away from a bomb. Even if they know it’s not true, the message is clear: time is of the essence – act now!

The problem of course is that you can only cry wolf so many times. But it is a problem that comes wrapped in an irony because guess what? Iran is now, finally, at the stage where it could conceivably build a bomb in just a few years…

Follow David on Twitter

Read more about his book, Nuclear Iran: UK readers here, US readers here

Read his latest essay, a cover story in a recent issue of New Statesman, here.

BDS fail!

Posted in Uncategorized