Todd A. Peperkorn's Blog, page 3

Hello, Old Friend

How I have missed you so. It has been so boring around here, without your chill wind that leaves me cold and empty. What would I do without your amazing way to turn everything good into evil? What would life be like without second guessing every decision, and turning everything I say and do against me.?

Do you remember that time when you almost had me convinced that you were all there is? Depression, you are really sneaky that way. It’s almost as if you want to be my god. I’m afraid that position has already been filled, but you’re welcome to root around for a while and see what dirt you can dig up. You are good at that, I’ll grant you.

I also really appreciate how you take all of those people closest to me and twist everything around. You have a real skill at making me question everything I hold to be true. That is just awesome.

So, welcome back. Please don’t take this wrong if I say I hope you don’t stay long.

-DMR

PS you know I’m being sarcastic, right? I want you to go away, now.

Delivered

Once again, it is the day.  The anniversary of when I was ready to end my life in the pit of despair and depression.  Last year I wrote about it HERE.  You can follow the links there if you're interested.

Somehow this day has kind of become a day of self-evaulation for me.  I suppose that makes sense, it being Good Friday and all.  It is sort of a "take stock" day for me, as I reflect on God's richest mercies in giving His Son and in giving me life.

Things are pretty dramatically different today than they were a year ago.  We now live in California.  I am the senior pastor at a small to mid sized confessional congregation near Sacramento.  There are lots of great people here, who love me and my family.  It is a great blessing, to be sure.

But it is also really strange.  I still feel like they don't know my story, our history, and our life.  I don't like talking about myself (ok, not that much), but I do occasionally want to stand up in bible class and say something like,

"Are you people crazy!  I am wounded and broken.  I'm a mess, barely hanging on by a thread.  Why would you want us here?  Surely you could find someone cheaper that isn't always on the edge?"

Then I remember people like Paul, or Elijah, or Augustine, or Luther, or Herberger, Gergardt, and the many thousands of shepherds God has provided His sheep with over the millennia.  If there is one thing that this history should teach, it is that the Ministry is about God's service to us in His Son, not about the man.  They are a strange and messed up lot.  In that regard I guess I fit right in.

All things are new, yet all things are the same.  Wounded and broken, but healed by the blood of Christ, we go on despite what our heart and mind might say to us (Psalm 73:26).

We rest in Jesus, who is the author and finisher of our faith.  So, friends, do not despair.  Christ cares for you with an everlasting love.  From Bach's St. John's Passion:

Ruht wohl, ihr heiligen Gebeine,

Rest in peace, you sacred limbs,

Die ich nun weiter nicht beweine,

I shall weep for you no more,

Ruht wohl und bringt auch mich zur Ruh!

rest in peace, and bring me also to rest.

Das Grab, so euch bestimmet ist

The grave that is allotted to you

Und ferner keine Not umschließt,

and contains no further suffering,

Macht mir den Himmel auf und schließt die Hölle zu.

opens heaven for me and shuts off hell.

Presentation in Escondido, California

Hi friends!

I know it's been months since I have written here. I am sorry for that. But I recently accepted a call to a congregation in northern California.  It has been rather all consuming.

Anywho, last weekend I gave a presentation at St. Paul's Lutheran Church in Escondido, California.  I had a few people ask me for a copy of the slides for the presentation.  Here they are in PDF format.  If you need them in Keynote or Powerpoint (ugh) or something else, let me know via the comments and I will try to oblige.

-DMR

DarkMyRoad-Escondido

Book online

It has come to my attention that with the upgrade/changes made to the lcms.org web site, that the link for ordering the book online for a free download has broken.  I will find out where it went and will correct the links, and let y'all know where it is as soon as I figure it out.

Thanks!

-DMR

Renew

It's been five years since my life took a strange sideways turn. I've written about it before (HERE, and HERE for example).  It has made Good Friday a very strange day for me, personally.

This year I'm in a better place personally and emotionally than I usually am by this time in Lent.  Sermons are done (I think).  Family is coming.  Everything is okay.  Maybe that doesn't sound like much, but sometimes, that's all you have, and it is enough.

I pray for all my fellow sufferers that Christ's death and resurrection would sustain you in the true faith to life everlasting.  Your labor is not in vain.  Your suffering will come to an end.  There will be peace for you.

Grant peace, we pray, In mercy, Lord;

Peace in our time, oh send us.

For there is none on earth but You, None other to defend us.

You only, Lord, can fight for us.  Amen.  (LSB 778)

 

Speaking at the mother ship

I just returned from speaking at the Fort Wayne seminary.  The topic, of course, was clinical depression.  It was really a two part visit.  The first part was speaking to a deaconess practicum class, and the second part was doing a "fireside" chat in the Commons with about fifty students and (if they had one) their wives.

I always feel like it is returning to the mother ship when I go home.  No matter how much I like (or dislike) what is going on at the place, it is home in many respects for me.  I feel the same way about Seward.  I don't really have many ties to Seward anymore, but it is still my school.

The visit itself was good.  I got to catch up with some friends, etc. More importantly, I was able to speak to about fifty members of the student body (and their wives) about depression.  It was basically the same schtick I have done elsewhere (if you want to order the talk, CLICK HERE).

What do you say to a group of men who are studying to be pastors about mental illness and depression?  There's a lot to say but I tried to keep it to a description of depression, why pastors are at risk, and ways to address it (either preventatively or in the midst of it).  I don't know if they liked it.  Can you "like" a talk about clinical depression?  But I believe it was and is important for them to hear, and pray that there are more opportunities to do the same.

What would you tell a soon-to-be-pastor about clinical depression?  Why?

 

 

Speaking at CTS

Thought I would let the dear readers know that I will be speaking at Concordia Theological Seminary in Fort Wayne on

 

Tuesday

April 12, 2011

7:00 PM

In the Commons

 

Concordia Theological Seminary

6600 N. Clinton St.

Fort Wayne, Indiana

The topic will be depression and the Lutheran pastor.  You may go to the Facebook page for the event at

http://www.facebook.com/event.php?eid=194920890546386

 

Let me know if you are coming.  Thanks!

-DMR (aka Todd Peperkorn

 

 

 

 

 

Fine. I’ll Pray.

Very often it seems like the only time I pray is when I am forced to pray.  It’s like Job or Elijah.  When things get SO BAD (in my perception at least) that there is no other recourse, then I will pray.  Unless, of course, I don’t have the energy.  So my prayers become much closer to a 911 call than an ongoing conversation.

I wish it were not so.  I wish I were more disciplined in my prayers.  But I’m not and I can’t seem to figure out how to do it.  My prayers are weak and timid.  They are fearful and uncertain.  My best prayers come when I am too desperate to do anything else.

So often my prayers make me feel like I am a fraud.  I project the air of quiet faith and confidence to my parishioners.  I sit in the hospital with them, console them with the Gospel which I hardly feel like I believe half the time.

I think this is all too common with pastors.  Faith and doubt go hand in hand.  There can hardly be one without the other this side of the grave.

I think a part of the problem lies in feeling like prayer is a show.  So often for pastors, because we are called upon to publicly pray for others, it means that the prayers we offer are half prayer/half proclamation.  Prayers can offer comfort, and we pastors will use any trick in the book to sneak in a little Gospel.  But this can lead to making prayer feel like a show.  I have to have a “good” prayer, because they are counting on me.

How do you counteract this?  What is the actual goal of prayer?

I’m sorry I have more questions than answers today.  Some days are just like that.

-DMR (aka Todd Peperkorn)

Fine. I'll Pray.

Very often it seems like the only time I pray is when I am forced to pray.  It's like Job or Elijah.  When things get SO BAD (in my perception at least) that there is no other recourse, then I will pray.  Unless, of course, I don't have the energy.  So my prayers become much closer to a 911 call than an ongoing conversation.

I wish it were not so.  I wish I were more disciplined in my prayers.  But I'm not and I can't seem to figure out how to do it.  My prayers are weak and timid.  They are fearful and uncertain.  My best prayers come when I am too desperate to do anything else.

So often my prayers make me feel like I am a fraud.  I project the air of quiet faith and confidence to my parishioners.  I sit in the hospital with them, console them with the Gospel which I hardly feel like I believe half the time.

I think this is all too common with pastors.  Faith and doubt go hand in hand.  There can hardly be one without the other this side of the grave.

I think a part of the problem lies in feeling like prayer is a show.  So often for pastors, because we are called upon to publicly pray for others, it means that the prayers we offer are half prayer/half proclamation.  Prayers can offer comfort, and we pastors will use any trick in the book to sneak in a little Gospel.  But this can lead to making prayer feel like a show.  I have to have a "good" prayer, because they are counting on me.

How do you counteract this?  What is the actual goal of prayer?

I'm sorry I have more questions than answers today.  Some days are just like that.

-DMR (aka Todd Peperkorn)

IMPACT: I Trust When Dark My Road

(This is a copy of the  article on my church's web site.)

 

Messiah Lutheran Church is pleased to announce its first speaker in the IMPACT series. The IMPACT series is a series of presentations available to the community in conjunction with our fiftieth anniversary.

Our first presentation is entitled, I Trust When Dark My Road: A Lutheran View of Depression.  Our speaker is Pastor Todd A. Peperkorn, pastor of Messiah Lutheran Church.  The title of the presentation comes from Pastor Peperkorn's book of the same title, published in 2009.

Please consider joining us for this important topic.  It is free of charge.  You may follow updates on the IMPACT series through our Facebook page:

Messiah's Facebook Page

You may also indicate if you will be attending by going to the Facebook event:

Facebook IMPACT event: I Trust When Dark My Road

We hope to see you there!