Judith Orloff's Blog, page 2

Are Empaths on the Autistic Spectrum? Empathizing with our Differences

(Adapted from The Genius of Empathy by Judith Orloff MD, 2024 Sounds True Publishing)

I often get asked the question “Are empaths on the autistic spectrum” because of their similar tendencies to experience sensory overload from noise, light, smells, sounds, certain kinds of touch, and crowds. They also both need quiet alone time perhaps more than other people. In my clinical practice, I have found that while some empaths have autism, those on the spectrum aren’t typically empaths. People with autism often have developmental and cognitive challenges that empaths who are not on the spectrum don’t face. Plus the spectrum includes many variations including the genius traits often associated with what was previously known as Asperger’s Syndrome (but now labeled as ASD). There are various gifts and challenges for both empaths and for those on the autistic spectrum.

While researching for my book The Genius of Empathy I had the honor of speaking with Dr. Temple Grandin, a professor of animal science at Colorado State University, who openly shared her own experiences being on the autism spectrum (ASD). She told me that when she witnesses animals or people getting hurt her empathy immediately clicks into action to help someone. She sees her emotions as more of a passing thunderstorm, and focuses on living in the present. This can be an advantage to stay emotionally centered in charged situations. In the past, it was believed that those on the spectrum may lack empathy. Dr. Grandin brought up an important point when she said that those on the spectrum do have empathy but may express it much differently. It will be interesting to find out what future scientific research discovers about the relationship between empathy and ASD.

Empathizing with Our Differences

Perceived or real differences can present obstacles to empathy. Studies have shown that it may be harder to empathize with experiences that are different than our own. We also tend to take comfort in similarities since we generally know what to expect, rather than in areas where we may differ. However, just as it may be challenging for people who are not on the spectrum to understand those who are–it may be equally challenging for those on the spectrum to understand those who are not. To enhance your empathy be mindful of this conditioning so you can begin to open your heart to others whom you may not initially understand. You can also learn to have empathy for your own uniqueness, needs, and differences.

For instance, not everyone sees the world in the same way. There is a creative variety of cognitive styles such as autism spectrum disorder and attention deficit hyperactivity disorder (ADHD) Each style has its own pluses and challenges.

It’s important to see loved ones, friends, and coworkers who have these differences with empathic eyes. It is equally important for them to see your differences (from them) with empathy as well. Do not judge others as inferior, though some cognitive styles can be more emotionally problematic than others. The goal is always to remove obstacles that keep our hearts closed or foster misunderstanding. You’re learning about each other. It is an ongoing dance of connection, respect, tolerance, and love

Surely, we all need as much empathy as possible in our lives. Empathy is a basic life-affirming quality to nurture. I hope you can prioritize it and your own healing. When you encounter obstacles to empathy, pause and be gentle and patient with yourself. Don’t force anything. Always show yourself loving kindness. Love just keeps growing when you hold it close and care for it well.

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How Empathy Can Boost Your Immune Response

How does empathy work on a biological level to boost your immune system?

Research indicates that you can heal faster when your body receives messages such empathy, kindness, and tolerance. These trigger an initial immune response—then your body’s natural healing forces can kick in too.

When you empathize with a friend either in an uplifting or trying situation, your body and theirs release oxytocin and endorphins that strengthen immunity, soothe anxiety, and bring calm. So, when you help someone in small or large ways you typically feel better. This is known as the “helpers high.” In contrast, holding on to anger and hatred suppresses immunity by raising stress hormones, which are linked to high blood pressure, heart disease, insomnia, anxiety, and a range of other serious health problems.

Compelling research has also shown that simply observing an act of empathy can improve your immune response. After 132 students at Harvard University watched a video of Mother Teresa caring for children who had been abandoned and people who suffered from leprosy, the antibodies in their saliva markedly increased, a sign of heightened immunity. This finding, known as the “Mother Teresa Effect,” is striking. It demonstrates that when you witness an act of empathy, it can create more robust immunity in you. Therefore, your empathy can support other people’s health, and their empathy can support yours. This is a powerful testament to the healing ability of empathy.

Charles Darwin, in his book The Descent of Man (published in 1871, over a decade after his On the Origin of the Species), writes that the survival of the kindest, not the fittest, is the most important element in human evolution. He elevates empathy to a crucial survival-oriented trait. Darwin argues that we are a profoundly social and caring species that instinctively helps others in distress. The Descent of Man was published shortly before Darwin’s death and was the most underread of his books. Still, his scientific turnabout or maturing awareness—however we view Darwin’s astute realization—points to the biological advantage of empathy that can potentially preserve humankind.

Your biology is an invaluable ally in helping you boost your immune response. Understanding how to tap into its miraculous functions lets you create an environment for empathy to flourish. Mindfully listening to your body is a way to show kindness toward yourself, others, and the greater world.

EMPATHY IN ACTION

Soothe Your Nervous System to Boost Your Immune Response

When you are feeling or thinking “too much,” it’s time to prioritize self-care. Practice this exercise from my book The Genius of Empathy to maximize your health and decrease overwhelm as soon as you feel it building. If you are too busy at work to take a break, plan some time to regroup later at home.

Close the door to your office or bedroom for a few minutes. Get in a comfortable position and take some slow deep breaths to relax your body. Inwardly say, To help me rest and recenter myself, I can pause and activate the peaceful vagus nerve through meditation. Slowly inhale to a count of six, hold your breath to a count of six, then exhale to a count of six. Repeat the cycle three times. This regenerative breathing calms your nervous system. From a more serene place, you can make wiser choices. Harnessing your biology lets you modulate how much empathy feels good.

Excerpt from The Genius of Empathy (Sounds True ©2024) Judith Orloff, MD.

Judith Orloff, MD is a New York Times bestselling author whose books include The Genius of Empathy: Practical Tools to Heal Yourself, Your Relationships and the World, The Empath’s Survival Guide, and Thriving as an Empath, which presents daily self-care tools for sensitive people. Her upcoming children’s book The Highly Sensitive Rabbit is about a caring rabbit who learns to embrace her gifts of sensitivity through the love and support of other animals. A UCLA Psychiatric Clinical Faculty Member, she blends the pearls of conventional medicine with cutting-edge knowledge of intuition, empathy, and energy. Dr. Orloff specializes in treating highly sensitive people in her private practice and online internationally. Her work has been featured on The Today Show, CNN, Oprah Magazine, the New York Times, and USA Today. Dr. Orloff has spoken at Google-LA and TEDx. Explore more at www.drjudithorloff.com

Connect with Judith on  Facebook, Twitter and Instagram.

Judith Orloff, MD is a New York Times bestselling author whose books include The Genius of Empathy: Practical Tools to Heal Yourself, Your Relationships and the World, The Empath’s Survival Guide, and Thriving as an Empath, which presents daily self-care tools for sensitive people. Her upcoming children’s book The Highly Sensitive Rabbit is about a caring rabbit who learns to embrace her gifts of sensitivity through the love and support of other animals. A UCLA Psychiatric Clinical Faculty Member, she blends the pearls of conventional medicine with cutting-edge knowledge of intuition, empathy, and energy. Dr. Orloff specializes in treating highly sensitive people in her private practice and online internationally. Her work has been featured on The Today Show, CNN, Oprah Magazine, the New York Times, and USA Today. Dr. Orloff has spoken at Google-LA and TEDx. Explore more at www.drjudithorloff.com

Connect with Judith on  Facebook, Twitter and Instagram.

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Stop Empathy Overwhelm with Healthy Boundaries

In my private practice many patients have shared that one of their largest blocks to empathy is a fear of being overwhelmed. It either seems too painful or unsafe to lovingly explore their own emotions, or that they risk getting burned out by other people’s problems, dramas and needs. Family, friends, or co-workers may ask more than you are prepared to give, but you don’t want to disappoint them. If you set healthy boundaries such as saying “no” or specifying “I am just able to give you this,” you may feel guilty, or fear being rejected.

As an empath, I know how uncomfortable it feels to be overwhelmed by emotions, especially from loved ones. You empathize with them. You care and want to help or even solve their problems, but it isn’t possible. For instance, one patient watched his mother experience depression, which began to make him depressed too, until his mother reached out to a therapist and started feeling better. Another patient’s husband had such intense back pain that she began experiencing it in her body too. When developing empathy, this is a predictable challenge that can teach you the importance of setting healthy boundaries and self-care.

In addition, you may feel overwhelmed by friends or team members who share too much information about their health, romances, or conflicts. Someone might ambush you with accounts of stress they’ve experienced at work or details of a harrowing illness. Your heart goes out to them but listening can be exhausting.

Like me, many sensitive people are prone to absorbing others’ emotions or physical symptoms. Too much coming at you too fast leads to the misery of sensory overload.To stay centered and prevent sensory overload, I’ve learned the importance of protecting myself so I don’t take on the distress of my patients or anyone else. Also, I try to bow out of a situation and decompress when external stimulation feels too intense.

During medical school at USC, we were warned of coming down with the “Medical Student’s Syndrome” where doctors-in-training would occasionally mimic the symptoms of a “dis-ease” we were studying, ranging from viruses to heart problems to brain tumors. (Some researchers report it occurs in a whopping 70% of medical students.) This is a form of empathy overwhelm, though we didn’t know to frame it that way. True, we were suggestable, but also, as new, idealistic healers, many of us cared so much and were so immersed in our patients’ treatment that our empathy exploded.

No one really discussed how to handle this baffling and somewhat scary phenomenon which I was prone to because of my empathic tendencies to shoulder other people’s pain. Also, my over-protective but loving Jewish mother passed down the anxiety provoking habit of “imagining the worst” about illness such as seeing a simple sneeze as the warning of a dire flu. Unfortunately, as medical students, we never learned to set clear boundaries or address our own fears about dis-ease that could get in the way of helping patients.

Empathy doesn’t have an on-off switch where you are either closed-down or maxed out. You can regulate it. When you empathize with someone you can compassionately communicate, “I care about you and this is what I can give right now.” You decide how involved you are in a situation.

Just because someone is needy doesn’t mean you have to meet their needs.

To start taking a more proactive role in how much empathy you give, I suggest that you keep in mind the following “rights” from my book The Genius of Empathy. They will help you maintain a healthy mindset and prevent or lessen overwhelm before it gathers momentum.

Set Boundaries to Prevent Overwhelm

I have the right to say a loving, positive “no” or “no thank-you.” I have the right to set limits with how long I listen to people’s problems. I have the right to rest and not be always available to everyone. I have the right to quiet peacefulness in my home and in my heart.

Adapted from The Genius of Empathy ©2024 Judith Orloff.
 

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How to Empathize Without Taking On People’s Stress

To be of service you don’t have to give 100% or more to everyone in need.

At times, it’s okay not to be so available. To stay centered and decompress, you need to leave this world for a while and practice self-care. Give yourself that break. When being of service, consider each situation individually. Always factor in your own energy level and physical and emotional limitations to access how much you have to give. These considerations don’t make you selfish. They make you smart. Of course, there are instances when service may involve enormous sacrifice such as when you’re a caregiver, which I will discuss. Generally, though, healthy giving nurtures you too.

A dread that many of my patients share is: “What if people ask more than I can give? I feel guilty if I say “’no.’”

Here are five strategies from my book The Genius of Empathy: Practical Skills to Heal Your Sensitive Self, Your Relationships and The World to support your healthy giving.

1. Give a Little, Not a Lot
Appreciate the power of offering small gifts: a hug, a flower, a fresh salad, a birthday card, three minutes of your time instead of an afternoon. Some people limit their giving to an hour daily. Train yourself to be a high-quality giver in smaller increments when possible.

2. Set Compassionate, Guilt-Free Limits
If you feel you “should” say “yes” to every request, practice setting limits. You can respond, “I’m sorry, I’m unable to attend, but I appreciate the invitation,” or “Thank you for asking, but I can’t take on more commitments now,” or “I’d love to help, and I only have an hour.” If you feel guilty about setting limits, it’s okay but set a limit anyways. Changing your behavior and acting “as-if” can precede an attitude shift. You don’t need to be guilt-free to set limits.

3. Go Into Unavailable Mode
It’s not healthy to be on call for others all the time. To preserve your energy, for minutes, hours or longer, turn off your electronic devices, don’t answer calls, and stop “doing favors” for others. This gives you a break to be demand-free. It may be surprising to realize that most people can survive without you for a while.

4. Recognize When You’ve Had Enough
There are some limits to giving you can’t modify because your mental or physical health depends on maintaining them, and there is no way to compromise anymore. One friend told me, “I divorced my husband because I never wanted children and realized he’d always be one–a really high maintenance one.” This was a positive decision for her. Sometimes protecting yourself requires a big change. Though achieving closure can be difficult, it’s wise to lovingly acknowledge, “It’s time to move on.

5. Meditate and Pray
When there’s nothing more you can do to help someone or they refuse help, remember to pray for their well-being and the best outcome to their problem. It’s better to keep this prayer general rather than more specific. In instances when you can’t heal yourself or others–and you can’t get rid of pain–turn the problem into a creative offering to the forces of love and healing. Allow them to work their magic. I also offer my adaptation of The Serenity Prayer which I suggest too:

Grant me the serenity
To accept the people or things I cannot change
The courage to change what I can
And the wisdom to know the difference.

If you’re working too hard to help someone, take a pause. Let the person be themselves without making it your mission to improve them. As one patient vowed, “I’m going to stop trying to love the red flags out of others.” There is a time to give and a time to replenish yourself. Healthy giving is graceful, patient, and makes you smile–a healing gift to yourself and others.

Adapted from The Genius of Empathy: Practical Skills to Heal Your Sensitive Self, Your Relationships, and the World ©2024 Judith Orloff.

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Who Are the Best Partners for Empaths?

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Which type of person makes the ideal match for empaths? It depends on your temperament and needs. You must determine which type (or mixture of types) you prefer and will be most compatible with over time. Each type can be extroverted or introverted. (See “The Empath’s Survival Guide” to learn more about an empath’s needs in love.)

Type #1. The Intellectual: Intense Thinker

Intellectuals are smart and astute analyzers who are most at home in their mind. They see the world through logic and rational thought. Known for keeping calm during a conflict, they often avoid their emotions, don’t easily trust their gut, and are slow to participate in light-hearted, sensual, or playful activities. Intellectuals can make good partners for certain empaths because their sense of logic compliments and grounds an empath’s emotional intensity.

Tips to Help an Empath Communicate with an Intellectual

Ask for help. Intellectuals love to solve problems. Be very specific about ways they can assist you with a problem or task. Mention only one issue at a time. Intellectuals can get thrown off by too many “unfixable” emotions. Regularly communicate. Keeping the lines of communication open with intellectuals allows you to be clearer and more loving with each other.

Type #2. The Empath: Emotional Sponge

Empaths are kind, supportive, and passionate partners. They also tend to feel their own and their spouse’s emotions to an extreme. I am often asked, “Can two empaths have a good relationship?” Yes, definitely. The heart connection is incredible! Because both partners understand each other, they don’t have to explain themselves as much. However, for such a relationship to succeed and remain harmonious, the couple must keep sharing about their mutual needs. Two empaths on overwhelm at the same time can get pretty intense. Such a relationship requires mutual understanding and separate spaces to wind down.

I’ve treated many couples in which both partners are empaths. I’ve taught them how to respect each other’s sensitivities but stay grounded. The positive side is that each person easily appreciates what the other is feeling. The more difficult aspect is defining your own needs and setting boundaries to feel safe and calm. When empaths are triggered, they need a time-out to regroup and decompress. Two empaths who are both upset can aggravate each other’s anxiety. Each partner needs his or her separate quiet space to unwind. Though it is often challenging for two empaths to be in love, over the long term, the relationship can be successful with mutual respect.

Tips to Help Two Empaths Communicate

Take time apart each day to relax. Calming minibreaks by yourself are restorative. Go for a walk outside or meditate in your room alone. Exhale pent-up emotions such as anxiety or fear so they don’t stay in your body or you project them to your partner. Protect your sensitivities. Make a list of your top five most emotionally triggering situations. Then, together, formulate a plan for handling them so you don’t get caught in a panic. Meditate together. This helps you to connect spiritually in silence and will strengthen your bond.

Type #3. The Rock: Strong and Silent Type

Consistent, dependable, and stable, they will always be there for you. You can express emotions freely around them. They won’t get alarmed or be critical. You can always count on them, which is reassuring for empaths who love consistency. But Rocks often have a hard time sharing their own feelings. Their empath mates may keep trying to get them to open up but become frustrated with the slow progress. Empaths may feel that Rocks are emotionally shut off, even boring.

Empaths and Rocks can make wonderful partners. They balance each other. Rocks can learn from empaths how to express their passion and emotions more clearly, while empaths can learn grounding from the Rock. Their feet are solid on the earth. It’s not that Rocks don’t have feelings. They just need you to lovingly support them to bring them out.

Tips to Help an Empath Communicate with a Rock

Express gratitude. Regularly voice appreciation for a Rock’s positive qualities. Make an intimacy request. In order to connect more deeply, ask the Rock to express at least one emotion a day such as “I’m delighted,” “I love you,” or I’m feeling anxious.” Spend time in nature together. This will let you have a mutual physical activity which will bring you closer to each other in natural settings.

I do best with a partner who is a Rock and a non-empath. My mate, who has some admirable Rock qualities, is grounded and can hear my emotions without getting swept away by them. Being with another empath would feel too overwhelming for me. I also prefer a partner who is quiet and contained, rather than someone who talks a lot and shares his emotional states frequently.

How do you find a compatible partner? Empaths can feel a connection with someone, more with energy than with words. Notice the way you relate to someone’s energy. Ask yourself, does this person’s words match their energy or is something amiss? If you have doubts, go slowly. Do not give your heart to people unless they prove themselves worthy of your love. Keep intuitively tuning in to find out who that person really is.

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