Beth Cato's Blog, page 84

Dear Match Game 2016: You [Blanked] Up

Dear Match Game 2016,

You’re missing the point.

You’re supposed to be funny, see? Make people laugh? The old 1970s Match Game excelled at that. It oozed with sexual innuendo and double entendre. INNUENDO. That’s key here. They couldn’t directly talk about body parts. They couldn’t draw such things on their cards. No, they had to use their wits. The joy of the show was in the cleverness of it all–puns, Freudian slips, that kind of thing. Wink-wink nudge-nudge say no more, say no more.

You’re trying to do the same, but you’re preening in your late prime time slot. You want to use that for all it’s worth–after all, other network dramas at that time revel in profanity and nudity these days. So sure, you want to bring out the sexual content, but you lost the thesaurus. The wit has atrophied, revealing a show that is often blatantly crude and obscene.

I’m not laughing. I’m cringing.

The old Match Game pushed the boundaries of obscenity, too. Here’s an amusing thing, though: often it’s even funnier when the content is blurred or bleeped out. We can fill in those blanks and make it into a Mad Lib with custom-tailored waggery. Your new incarnation of Match Game isn’t leaving much room for the imagination.

See, I’m not a prude when it comes to humor. I have many friends who can vouch for my public actions with a flaccid faux breadstick. But see, that breadstick is innuendo. The naughtiness is in the imagination of everyone who passes by. The breadstick itself is quite innocent.

Match Game, you’re not innocent anymore. I think you’re proud of that, too. It’s 2016, right? Damn the censors! We can say what we want! Okay. That’s fine.

I just wish what you were saying was funny.

~Beth Cato

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Interview with Bishop O’Connell, author of THE RETURNED

I’m happy to welcome fellow Harper Voyager Impulse author Bishop O’Connell! He has a brand new book out in his American Faerie Tale series. You’ll want to start with The Stolen, then The Forgotten, Three Promises, and The Returned. If you love faerie stories (note the spelling), give his books a try!

 

- You’re well into your series now. Are the books getting harder or easier to write?

That’s a great question. One would assume, myself included, that as you get further into the series it would get easier to write, but that isn’t the case. It isn’t the stories that are hard though. I’ve got plans for several more books. The hard part is the foundation of the stories. Each is part of an overall series, and they do tell a larger tale, but I purposely set out to write each book so they could stand alone as well. I want readers to be able to pick up the series with any book and not be lost. This means that each book needs to summarize the events in the previous books, at least those relevant to the current story or character’s state of mind, without being a full on info dump. This is what is getting hard. I’m currently working on book four in the series, I count Three Promises as book 2.5, which means I have three novels, and at least a short story or two of events I need to include. True, I only need to include what the reader needs to know, but that gets increasingly more difficult as the series goes on. Much of who the characters are at this point is directly driven by events in previous books. It’s a fine line between exposition and info dump. I’m also learning that even if I did intend the series to be read in order, which does allow deeper understanding but isn’t required, that readers probably need to be reminded of events in books they might’ve read two years ago. The story ideas are getting easier though, and I’m really enjoying seeing the characters continue to grow and develop. Unfortunately, as I said, that’s part of why the background stuff is getting so hard to include in a succinct way. Thankfully I work with some really skilled editors who can help with this, and have done a great job. The Returned really is a tight, well-crafted story. In my eminently humble opinion.

- Which character of yours is your absolute favorite?

I’m sure like parents, writers aren’t supposed to favor one character over another…but I do. I just adore Wraith. I have so much fun writing her. She really came to life in The Returned. To the point that she almost seemed to write herself. I love her wit, her snark, and he determination. She’s also a badass, which is fun to write. I really have to say though, it’s her genuine “goodness” I really like. With her, I managed to create a character who has gone through some truly horrific things, but they didn’t break her. In fact, she came out the other end determined to help others, to do good, and try and counter the darkness she sees in the world. It can be hard to write a character like that without them coming off as unrealistic; a Pollyanna or Boy Scout. But Wraith just seems to take to this naturally. She is a genuinely good person. She’s caring, compassionate, but she has a temper and doesn’t suffer injustice lightly.

- This might delve into dangerous territory, but how should people spell “fairy?” Are you currently frothing because I spelled it like that?

*eye twitch, teeth grind* I’m fine.

Seriously, it’s not that big a deal to me. I spell it faerie, from the Irish spelling. For me, it breaks down like this. Fairys are the modern creatures from children’s stories. Think Tinkerbelle. In fact, many people hear the word fairy and think of her specifically. Disney has really done a number of the traditional faerie tale, softening it and making it more kid friendly for modern audiences. Faeries are the creatures from old lore and legends: elves, gnomes, sprites, pixies, dryads, red caps, giants, trolls. I’d even argue that Baba Yaga, and the witches from the old stories are actually faeries. To summarize, if you use fairy with me, I’m going to assume you’re talking about Disney characters and the like. If you use faerie, I’m assuming you’re talking about the real deal. Also, I reserve the right to correct you at every turn. Harry Heckel and I have a lot of fun correcting each other. I humor him even though he is spelling it wrong.

- Let’s talk you. Let’s talk beer. What are some of your favorite brews?

Yes, let’s! I really love beer. I’m long past my days of drinking to excess though. Now I enjoy beer because of the beer itself. The flavor and complexity of brews is a wonderful thing. Personally, I’m like my beers more malt forward over hop forward. I do not like IPAs. To me, it’s like getting hit in the face with a bouquet of flowers when I take a drink. But this is a great time to be a beer fan. There are so many great craft brews out there.

Over all, I love Cumbrian Real Ales. I found these while working in England a few years back. They’re brewed more traditionally, aren’t pasteurized, and are incredibly smooth. The bubbles are so small it’s like drinking water, they are truly refreshing. Sometimes you can find their like here in the states as “cask conditioned” ales. Theakston is my personal favorite and I’ve recently learned Old Peculiar is available in bottles here. Not the same as draught, but pretty good.

I also love me some Guinness, but I’d have my Irish heritage repossessed if I didn’t. The nice thing about Guinness is that it’s not just good to drink, but great for cooking. In fact, I shared my Beef and Guinness Vegetable soup recipe with you. It also mixes nicely with other beers. Most people know black and tans, though don’t ever call them that in Ireland. That’s Harp and Guinness. I prefer a Blacksmith, with is half Guinness, half Smithick’s ale. It also goes nicely with cider. Magners (or Bulmer’s as it’s called in Ireland) makes for a nicely balanced and refreshing summer drink. If you want something fancier, a black velvet is half Guinness, half champagne. They go so nicely with each other, though be warned, they can go to your head very quickly. I know many people who can put several pints of the dark stuff away before they get buzzed who are walking funny after just two or three black velvets.

Ciders are nice as well, I’m partial to Magners, Angry Orchard, and most recently I’ve grown fond of Bold Rock, a local Virginia brewer. Beer wise I like Newcastle Brown, Smithick’s, Boddington’s, Old Speckled Hen, Boulevard wheat, Tennet’s, Sam Adams (especially like their seasonal beers), Shiner Bock, and Harp.

All that said, while working in Indiana I discovered a local brewer called Iron Wood. They’re in Valparaiso and they make some truly amazing beers. Barb, the owner and brewmaster is really gifted. They have an Irish red that is great, and their dopplebock is to die for. She also makes her own mead, and even orange soda with cane sugar. In fact, a shandy of her wheat beer and the orange soda is a nice little treat.

- What writing projects are keeping you busy right now?

I have a couple of irons in the fire as it were. As I said above, I’m working on the next book in the American Faerie Tale series. It’s probably the biggest novel I’ve written, in terms of scope. It’s going to bring together a lot of threads laid out in earlier books and shift the story line pretty substantially. Some big changes are in store for Edward, Caitlin, and Fiona, not all good, and Wraith will find herself in a role, and at level of importance, she never saw coming. My hopes are that it will be released sometime early next year, but don’t hold me to that.

Additionally, I’m rewriting the first novel I finished. It’s a blend of high fantasy and urban fantasy. Meaning it starts in the modern age and then goes back to the middle ages. It’s a tie in to the American Faerie Tale series, and revolves around a character mentioned briefly in The Forgotten. It’s the first book of a trilogy. At first I thought I could get away with doing some edits and tweaks to get it ready for publication, but I learned that I’ve apparently grown quite a bit as a writer since them. This was both a source of pride, and dismay. Knowing I sent that book out to agents in the shape it was in is a little disconcerting, but I’m reworking it and I think it will make a great story.

On my to-do list, I also have a literary fiction piece I need to edit, and a fantasy-western short story I want to expand into a full novel, perhaps its own series. However I’m learning quickly that juggling multiple projects at ones isn’t easy, especially when you have a day job.

About The Returned:

Almost a year after their wedding, and two since their daughter Fiona was rescued from a kidnapping by dark faeries, life has finally settled down for Caitlin and Edward. They maintain a facade of normalcy, but a family being watched over by the fae’s Rogue Court is far from ordinary. Still, it seems the perfect time to go on their long-awaited honeymoon, so they head to New Orleans.

Little do they know, New Orleans is at the center of a territory their Rogue Court guardians hold no sway in, so the Court sends in Wraith, a teenage spell slinger, to watch over them. It’s not long before they discover an otherworldly force is overtaking the city, raising the dead, and they’re drawn into a web of dark magic. At the same time, a secret government agency tasked with protecting the mortal world against the supernatural begins their own investigation of the case. But the culprit may not be the villain everyone expects. Can Wraith, Caitlin, and Edward stop whoever is bringing the vengeful dead back to life before another massacre, and before an innocent is punished for crimes beyond her control?

Order ebook from Amazon | Barnes & Noble

(Paperback release to come!)

 

Bishop O’Connell is the author of the American Faerie Tale series, a consultant, writer, blogger, and lover of kilts and beer, as well as a member of the Science Fiction & Fantasy Writers of America. Born in Naples Italy while his father was stationed in Sardinia, Bishop grew up in San Diego, California where he fell in love with the ocean and fish tacos. After wandering the country for work and school (absolutely not because he was in hiding from mind controlling bunnies), he settled Richmond VA, where he writes, collects swords, revels in his immortality as a critically acclaimed “visionary” of the urban fantasy genre, and is regularly chastised for making up things for his bio. He can also be found online at A Quiet Pint, where he muses philosophical on life, the universe, and everything, as well as various aspects of writing and the road to getting published.

 

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Bready or Not: Biscoff-Nutella Ecstasy Bars

Last week I shared Peanut Butter Ecstasy Bars. This week I switch out the peanut butter for a version that tastes even better.

The top and bottom layers use cookie butter (Biscoff, Speculoos, whichever!) while the middle layer uses just a touch of Nutella. That combination is luscious. Cookie dough and chocolate. Guh.

I mentioned before that the peanut butter version can be crumbly, especially the edge pieces. Well, this new variation is even messier. Karmic balance for the extra deliciousness, right? The middle pieces were a touch gooey, even as the edge pieces pretty much shattered as they were cut.

That’s not a bad thing here, though. These pieces are delicious. Lap them up. Save them to top ice cream or yogurt. Just please, don’t let them go to waste.

Mind you, they’ll also go to your waist, but that’s a totally separate dilemma.

Bready or Not: Biscoff-Nutella Ecstasy Bars





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This variation of my Peanut Butter Ecstasy Bars uses Biscoff or Speculoos for the crust and Nutella in the filling for a fantastic cookie dough-chocolate combination. They might be crumbly and messy (especially the edges), but you’ll want to gobble up every morsel.

Crust:
1/2 cup unsalted butter, room temperature
1/2 cup Biscoff or Speculoos Cookie Butter
1 1/2 cups white sugar
1 teaspoon vanilla extract
1 1/2 cups all-purpose flour
Filling:
2 eggs, room temperature
2 Tablespoons Nutella or similar chocolate spread
1/2 cup white sugar
1/2 cup brown sugar, packed

Preheat oven to 375-degrees. Line a 9x13 pan with aluminum foil and apply nonstick spray.

In a large bowl, mix butter, cookie butter, and sugar. Add the vanilla. Slowly mix in the flour. Set aside about 1 cup of the dough, and firmly press the rest into the prepared pan.

Using the same bowl, make the filling. Beat together the eggs, Nutella, and two sugars. Spread this over the unbaked crust. Sprinkle the reserved dough over the top.

Bake for 20 to 25 minutes, until the dough it set and golden. Cool completely in pan. Slice into bars. The bars may be crumbly, especially the edge pieces, but every bit is delicious. Keeps for at least 3 days in a sealed container.

OM NOM NOM!

 

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Sirens Anthology Out Today! I Blurbed It!

I had a story in FAE, the first book in the Magical Menageries series. The newest book in the sequence doesn’t include my work, but I did get an early copy of it, and I loved it, and I blurbed it!

Sirens are beautiful, dangerous, and musical, whether they come from the sea or the sky. Greek sirens were described as part-bird, part-woman, and Roman sirens more like mermaids, but both had a voice that could captivate and destroy the strongest man. The pages of this book contain the stories of the Sirens of old, but also allow for modern re-imaginings, plucking the sirens out of their natural elements and placing them at a high school football game, or in wartime London, or even into outer space.

Featuring stories by Kelly Sandoval, Amanda Kespohl, L.S. Johnson, Pat Flewwelling, Gabriel F. Cuellar, Randall G. Arnold, Michael Leonberger, V. F. LeSann, Tamsin Showbrook, Simon Kewin, Cat McDonald, Sandra Wickham, K.T. Ivanrest, Adam L. Bealby, Eliza Chan, and Tabitha Lord, these siren songs will both exemplify and defy your expectations.

Buy Sirens at Amazon.com, Barnes & Noble, or from the publisher, World Weaver Press.

 

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Sunday Quote requires cheese

“After nourishment, shelter and companionship,

stories are the thing we need most in the world.”

~Philip Pullman

DEEP ROOTS Clockwork Dagger Collection out on August 2nd!

I know a lot of folks have been waiting for my Clockwork Dagger short works to be released in paperback. Well, your wait is over as of August 2nd! You’ll be able to read them in mass market paperback ($4.99) or as a collected ebook ($2.99)! Deep Roots is available for preorder everywhere.

Amazon: mass market paperback and ebook
Barnes & Noble: mass market paperback and ebook
Kobo
Google Play
iTunes

 

From the author of The Clockwork Dagger and The Clockwork Crown comes a compilation of short works set in the same world: The Deepest Poison, Final Flight, and the Nebula-nominated Wings of Sorrow and Bone.

THE DEEPEST POISON

Octavia Leander, a young healer with incredible powers, has found her place among Miss Percival’s medicians-in-training. Called to the front lines of war, the two women must uncover the source of a devastating illness that is killing thousands of soldiers.

WINGS OF SORROW AND BONE

After being rescued from the slums of Caskentia, Rivka Stout is adjusting to her new life in Tamarania. But when Rivka stumbles into a laboratory run by the powerful Balthazar Cody, she also discovers a sinister plot involving chimera gremlins and the violent Arena game Warriors.

FINAL FLIGHT

Captain Hue hoped he was rid of his troubles once Octavia Leander and Alonzo Garrett disembarked from his airship, but then the Argus is commandeered by a Clockwork Dagger and forced on a deadly mission. Hue must lead a mutiny that might bring down his own ship…. perhaps for good.

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Bready or Not: Peanut Butter Ecstasy Bars

If you like peanut butter, these are for you. I found the original recipe on the back of a C&H Brown Sugar box.

I tweaked it some (MORE VANILLA!) and clarified the instructions. It’s an incredibly simple recipe. Basic ingredients that whip together fast and bake up fast, too.

The end result is like a peanut butter sugar cookie in bar form. It’s like getting punched in the face by the peanut butter fairy! They even look pretty because of the mottled layers.

One caveat: these aren’t the neatest cookies, and probably not the best for travel. They are crumbly, especially the edge pieces. Seriously, though, you will want to save and eat those crumbs. They are that good.

As I made these, I couldn’t help but think of more modifications. Therefore, stay tuned for next week when I post the Biscoff and Nutella version of these bars. OH YEAH.

In the meantime, try these and experience peanut butter bliss.

Bready or Not: Peanut Butter Ecstasy Bars





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These bars end up like crispy peanut butter sugar cookies! They might be crumbly, but you’ll want to gobble up every morsel. Based on Utterly Peanut-Buttery Bars from C&H Sugar.

Crust:
1/2 cup unsalted butter, room temperature
1/2 cup peanut butter (smooth or chunky)
1 1/2 cups white sugar
1 teaspoon vanilla extract
1 1/2 cups all-purpose flour
Filling:
2 eggs, room temperature
2 Tablespoons peanut butter (smooth or chunky)
1/2 cup white sugar
1/2 cup brown sugar, packed

Preheat oven to 375-degrees. Line a 9x13 pan with aluminum foil and apply nonstick spray.

In a large bowl, mix butter, peanut butter, and sugar. Add the vanilla. Slowly mix in the flour. Set aside about 1 cup of the dough, and firmly press the rest into the prepared pan.

Using the same bowl, make the filling. Beat together the eggs, peanut butter, and two sugars. Spread this over the unbaked crust. Sprinkle the reserved dough over the top.

Bake for 20 to 25 minutes, until the dough it set and golden. Cool completely in pan. Slice into bars. The bars may be crumbly, especially the edge pieces, but every bit is delicious. Keeps for at least 3 days in a sealed container.

OM NOM NOM!

 

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Sunday Quote is a poor wayfaring stranger

“Writers write about what obsesses them. You draw those cards. I lost my mother when I was 14. My daughter died at the age of 6. I lost my faith as a Catholic. When I’m writing, the darkness is always there. I go where the pain is.”

~Anne Rice

Bready or Not: Soft Dinner Rolls

Back when I first started Bready or Not in 2011, one of my first recipes was for Soft Dinner Rolls. I’m featuring it again today because it’s still a family favorite, and one I make regularly.

I used to be very intimidated by working with yeast. Would the dough rise? How would I know when it was ready? I used box mixes for a while and built up my confidence to handle the stuff from-scratch.

These soft rolls have never failed me. Other doughs are persnickety; this dough is not. The result is soft, and it bakes up into soft, luscious rolls.

These are the rolls I make every year for Thanksgiving and Christmas. I can make them weeks in advance. They thaw fast. They keep for as long as six days in a sealed bag. Most importantly, they reheat and taste as fresh as ever (and can even be reheated another time, too).

If you’re shy about yeast rolls, give these a try! If you’ve already mastered yeast bread, add these to your repertoire–they are worth making again and again.

On the subject of yeast, the only kind I use is SAF Instant Yeast. I store it in a sealed plastic tub in the freezer; the yeast granules don’t freeze, but the cold preserves the yeast.

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Bready or Not: Soft Dinner Rolls





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A Bready or Not Original! This straightforward yeast roll recipe produces soft, tender dinner rolls. They keep for about a week in sealed bags, and can be frozen and reheated later with delicious results! Recipe makes 12 to 15 standard dinner rolls.

1 cup warm water (110 degrees) (temperature especially important if mixing by hand)
1/4 cup vegetable oil
2 tablespoons white sugar
3 cups bread flour
1 teaspoon kosher salt
1 packet of bread machine yeast OR 2 1/4 teaspoons of instant yeast

If making by hand: mix all ingredients together and knead until soft. Place the dough in a bowl and lightly cover with plastic wrap. Let dough rise 45 minutes to 1 hour; knead down again. Let rise another 45 minutes to 1 hour.

If making in a bread machine: add ingredients in the order specified. That often means the liquids first. Set the machine on dough cycle and start; this should run for about 2 hours.

Prepare a cookie sheet or jelly roll pan by greasing lightly with butter. When the dough is done, lightly flour a mat or flat surface. Gently flatten the dough with hands. It's so soft, a rolling pin isn't necessary. Use a biscuit cutter or other round shape to cut out rolls. Place them spaced out a bit on the pan; it should produce 12 to 15 rolls, depending on the cutter. Lightly cover pan with plastic wrap and let it sit for an hour, or until rolls have doubled in size.

Preheat oven at 350-degrees. Bake the rolls for 10 to 15 minutes, watching them for desired brownness. Let cool a few minutes before serving.

Completely cooled rolls can be frozen in gallon freezer bags for several months. Sealed rolls will keep well at room temperature for at least 6 days.

OM NOM NOM!

 

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Sunday Quote anticipates monsoon season

“I’m a real self-educated kind of guy. I read voraciously. Every book I ever bought, I have. I can’t throw it away. It’s physically impossible to leave my hand! Some of them are in warehouses. I’ve got a library that I keep the ones I really really like. I look around my library some nights and I do these terrible things to myself–I count up the books and think, how long I might have to live and think, ‘F@#%k, I can’t read two-thirds of these books.’ It overwhelms me with sadness.”

~David Bowie, quoted in the Daily Beast in a 2002