Marian Allen's Blog, page 440

Bacon Meat Spam

I get so many spam comments (which I call "spomments") that I've created a page on Facebook for them: Spomment of the Day. The one I posted today was from W__ L__ Caterer, who said, "How much meat to buy per person for catering?"

Holly Jahangiri responded, saying, "You could've made a whole post out of that. A parody of Monty Python, perhaps. Something about 'How much spam can a post carry?' and work in something about bacon (good for SEO, I tell you, you can't go wrong with bacon) and 'when pigs fly.'" I'm not certain if that last bit was meant to be a plug for Bob Sanchez' novel of that name, but let it be so: WHEN PIGS FLY, by Bob Sanchez.

The topic of bacon actually did come up yesterday, in a visit my mother and I paid to my cousin and Mom's junior-high friend, Jean. Yes, that's right. ANYWAY, I said that my husband is almost totally vegetarian, but sometimes we have jowl bacon, the only meat he ever craves. Mom and Jean were raised thinking jowl was the only bacon there was, and they can't stand it. Charlie, raised the same, loves it. I never had it until I married Charlie, and I love it, too.

Here is a Wikipedia article on bacon, in case you don't know the difference between jowl bacon, American bacon, Canadian bacon, and British rashers. You're welcome.

And, because we all care about health (unless we're eating bacon), here is what Mark's Daily Apple has to say about bacon in relation to "Primal Living in the Modern World".

Jowl, by the way, rhymes with bowl, not growl.

WRITING PROMPT: Something a parent dislikes because of childhood familiarity becomes a favorite of the parent's grown child.

MA

A Surprising Use For Kosher Salt

It surprised me, anyway.

But first: When I told my husband I was using Kosher salt, he asked what was kosher about it. I didn't know, but I said, as my office-manager mother taught me, "I don't know, but I'll find out and get back to you."

It turns out that the actual term is "koshering salt". Kosher meat must be free of all blood, and salt draws the blood out. Koshering salt is ground coarsely, with more surface area, so it draws the liquid out more quickly. That's what Ask Yahoo! says, anyway.

ANYWAY, what did I do with Kosher (or koshering) salt?

It's almost time for the hummingbirds to migrate back, and I hadn't take down the feeder from last year. Naturally, it was coated inside and out with gunk. I scrubbed the gunk off the outside and off the inside of the bottom part, but the upper part is a tall, thin glass bottle, and any brush that would fit through the hole wouldn't reach the sides or bottom.

And I went, "Ah HA!" I poured in some of that coarse salt that doesn't dissolve easily and shook it around, and it scoured off every bit of that yuck. As Mrs. Gumbo would say, "Such a clever girl deserves a cracker with her milk." Yeah! Go me! Totally MacGyvered that sucker!

WRITING PROMPT: A character makes use of something not intended for that use.

MA

When Turtles Fly

My new short story collection, TURTLE FEATHERS, is live on Amazon! I've enrolled it in KDP Select, which means that KDP Select members can borrow it for free, but it costs a whopping $0.99 for everybody else. Hang on, though, because I can make it free for EVERYBODY for five days, as soon as I decide which five days to pick. I haven't set up a page for it on this blog yet, because I didn't expect it to go live so quickly. I submitted it, and it was live within a couple of hours. Here's the link on Amazon, if you want to go see it there: TURTLE FEATHERS by Marian Allen.

Here's the product description:

The dog Joseph's stepmother gave him leads him away from his intended route. Disobedience puts a young mermaid's life into the relentless claws of a crab. A penguin thinks his fortune is made when he discovers a cache of Scotch. More off-beat animal stories from the author of LONNIE, ME AND THE HOUND OF HELL.

You may have read some of these stories right here on this blog, or in other places around the net or in anthologies, but the point of a collection is to … well … collect the stories into one convenient volume. Feel free to click the Like button at the top of the product page, recommend it on Facebook and Twitter, agree (or disagree) with the product tags, leave a review for the stories you've read before, and, of course, buy a copy.

This being Tuesday, I'm posting at Fatal Foodies on the subject of hummus.

WRITING PROMPT: A character sets something in motion that moves much more quickly than anticipated.

MA

Floyd Hyatt Gives It Away

Last week, Mr. Hyatt spoke of three short story forms: the bow tie, the twist, and the fable. This week, he illustrates them. The words "not particularly good ones" are Mr. Hyatt's, not mine!

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Short examples of the three formats illustrated. Not particularly good ones, but illustrative of the short story formats discussed none the less.

This one illustrates the TWIST:

Word Count 385

Barbarian Feast

By

F.A.Hyatt

Penelope the barbarian thrust the hand-and-a-half poker back into its sheath. There were no further smart comments from the remaining three ghouls.

"Actually," noted Greentooth, "Penelope was my mother's name. A fine, family name…lots of…history in it." He looked sideways at Mouldenjaw, who nodded vigorously, oblivious to the patches of hair this was dislodging from his scalp.

"Heraldic kind of thing, that name is," agreed Moldenjaw.

Getting into the spirit of things, Fetidfingers added, "Prolly goes well with the lady's sir-name."

"Cantaloupe" She stated, eying all three.

Fettidfingers worked his jaw a trifle. "Penelope Cantaloupe…the Barbarian?" A snigger began to hug the insides of his throat, and unable to stop, he added, "from Vineland, perhaps—Grok!"

His carcass slid softly off of the redrawn bade. The other two turned to take their unnatural, if timely, interest in the banquet of dead flesh lying about.

"Gets harder every day to find honest work," Moldenjaw griped.

"The two of you will do. At least, you're smarter than the others were."

"What's the job?" Feditfingers said, dusting off a luncheonette sized piece of foot.

"Cleanup, obviously. What else would I require ghouls for?"

"Ahh, of course. Clean the moat of bodies after you storm the castle, and slay the evil king? Eat the strewn guts of your dead enemies, as you hack your way past the minions holding your sister?"

Penelope shrugged the white wolf skin cloak back over her shoulders. "More or less. The job involves eating remains, anyway. You will be working under the command of my…lieutenant, Gaskard Meux. Ten for the day and all you can eat, carry the rest away. Deal?"

"We're your men. Eh, technically speaking were not, but you get what I mean."

Moldenjaw polished off the elbow of a fallen applicant and belched. "Gotta deal."

The four approached the castle forthrightly. Penelope, head held high, regaled in her finest breastplate, sword hilt gleaming in the sun. Her lieutenant, all in white, by her side. The two ghouls trotted after, trying to look fierce.

"Gods. She's not going to try storming the gate, is she?" whispered Moldenjaw out of a convenient rent in the side of his face.

Greentooth swiveled one eye at his flanking companion. "Wizardry. The guy in white, right? Some mumbo-jumbo, then shazam! Smoking dead everywhere. Wait and see."

"Barbecue would be good, "agreed Mouldenjaw.

The lieutenant waved a hand, and the castle doors swung open. Greentooth nodded sagely at Moldenjaw.

After, the two sat grumbling over their slops. The man in white carried in another tub full of half eaten pig, sad remains of mushed fruit, sodden vegetables, and half eaten breads.

"But, you muzt hurry, you two! Zere is shtil de desert course to clean up. All zis," he waved his hands around, "ees bad for the dogs, unt zey half no pigs. Finnieesh!"

"Gonna barf," muttered Greentooth.

"Shut-up and eat your vegetables," spat Moldenjaw.

The wedding party could be heard roaring, from beyond the kitchen, no doubt seeing the new Mrs. Penelope Strongoak and her princely husband off to their wedding chambers, as was customary.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

In the interest of saving space, Mr. Hyatt's other two examples can be found by clicking here: Story forms -Examples.

WRITING PROMPT: Write a three-sentence outline of a story, using each of Mr. Hyatt's examples as a guide.

MA

#SampleSunday – A Sci-Fi/Western Transgender Ballad

Written well before Firefly, children. This poem is a mash-up of Robert Service, Hugh Antoine D'Arcy, and John Varley, written in ballad form. It appears in the Southern Indiana Writers' anthology FUTURE PERFECT (TENSE IN SPACE).

MIXED METAPHOR

by Marian Allen

A bunch of us clones were lapping it up

On Laredo's second moon.

We were there with Dan,

Our parent-man,

And we'd cowed the whole saloon.

Now, Death-Ray Dan was a western buff,

And he dressed himself like that–

Nine tough galoots,

Eight leisure suits,

One cowboy, complete with hat.

Dan was with Miss Belle LaFleur,

A gal he thought he owned.

She was quite a dish

And she made us wish

That she was multi-cloned.

The door swung wide and a man stepped in

Dressed just like Death-Ray Dan

With the mask and hat

And the stranger sat

And faced Dan man-to-man.

"This town is mine," he said to Dan.

"It's mine by fist and gun.

I got eight boys

That'll make these toys

Of yours turn tail and run."

"Well, trot 'em out!" Dan growled. Sez Dan,

"Let's see you back your bluff!"

Us clones spread out

'Cause there weren't a doubt

This guy was plenty tough.

His clones came in when he told 'em to,

And we blamed it on the booze:

For every cuss

Looked just like us –

Not a clue to whose were whose.

Dan dropped his jaw. The stranger laughed

And threw aside his mask.

Dan said, "But how — "

Said the stranger, "Now,

You very well might ask."

"Us two was twins," the stranger said,

"And still are, to this day.

Mom changed her genes

And, to save bad scenes,

Dad went his sep'rate way.

"Each took a twin and settled down

And put the past aside

But the story true

Dad–Mom, to you–

Told just before he died."

So Dan and his twin caught up on the life

They'd never shared before.

The rest of us drank

Till we shivered and sank,

The clones on the barroom floor.

WRITING PROMPT: Mash up a poem and a short story that have nothing in common and write them in a style foreign to at least one of them.

MA

Lucky or Unlucky 7?

The wonderful Pamela Turner tagged me for the Lucky 7 blog … thing. That's where you:

1.  Go to page 77 of your manuscript.

2.  Count down 7 lines.

3.  Copy the next 7 lines, making no changes.

4.  Tag 7 more authors.

Pamela's version said to tag them via Facebook, but, difficult as it is to believe, not everybody in the world is ON Facebook. So I'll tag the authors on Facebook, but I'll tag them here, too, sending blog readers to the authors' blogs.

Here are my seven lines, from a science fiction novel, SIDESHOW IN THE CENTER RING, which I'll be self-publishing Real Soon Now. Just my luck, my seven lines are dialog, so I don't get much in.

"Will you come listen?"

"Sure, sure."

"No, wait," said Captain Margent. "I'd like a word with you, if you please, Mem."

I nodded. "Go on," I told Tosun. "And don't let them pump you."

"Pump me?"

"Get information about me out of you without you knowing they're doing it."

Tosun shook his head. "Managlawn, my gamba, you don't know me yet."

Can you tell ANYTHING about what's going on?

I tag:

T. Lee Harris of Cats, Archaeology and Mayhem
Joanna Foreman of Ghosts of I-65
Charmaine Clancy of Wagging Tales
Red Tash of This Brilliant Darkness
Cara Lopez Lee of Girls Trek Too
Bodie Parkhurst of Magic Dog Press
Stephen Tremp of Breakthrough Blogs

So many writers, so few numbers in seven. Only … let's see … Oh, yeah, seven.

WRITING PROMPT: What do you think is going on in my excerpt?

MA

Friday Recommends – Scribes and Stuff

I hope you went over to The Masquerade Crew and entered the contest for EIGHT FREE EBOOKS, including one of mine. If you haven't done that yet, go do it! I'll wait. ~humming to self~

Okay, you back?

Now hop over to Scribbles From Jenn, where she is asking herself the Shakespearean question: To Tweet Or Not To Tweet.

Charmaine Clancy has a "Writers Blog" called Wagging Tales that's always interesting and/or fun for writers and non-writers who enjoy good prose. She's the author of MY ZOMBIE DOG, which I recently read and enjoyed many muches.

I'm still trying to figure out Book on a Stick, with which one can, the website says, "Write a book in one self-contained file that runs entirely in your browser and can be kept on portable media you carry in your pocket!" My mind isn't wrapping around that. I think I'll have to plunge into it and then find out whether it's lime gelatin or unset cement or fresh water or what. I mean, I already write a book in one self-contained file that runs entirely on my computer and etc. Why would I WANT a book to run on my browser? See, that's what I need to find out.

Now I must go, before the thunderstorm comes back and fries my ears off.

WRITING PROMPT: A character. A thunderstorm. NOT something creeping around the house being creepy.

MA

The Masquerade Crew is sponsoring a mega giveaway.

A giveaway! That means FREE! Oh, wait, I'm one of the ones giving stuff away, so what am I so excited about?

Anyway, The Masquerade Crew's adventure started a little more than six months ago. Since they posted their first author-requested review on October 1st, they're going to officially celebrate their six month blogaversary between now and April 1st, which is the first day of the A to Z challenge. They encourage you to come back for that because for 26 days in April they're going to post writing tips from some of their followers.

In the meantime, they're kicking off this party with a mega giveaway. Roughly half of the authors of their 5 star reviews have agreed to give away copies of their books. This is your chance to win up to 8 free books. Click on the book covers to go to their review.

 

A Soul to Steal

by Rob Blackwell

 

Force of Habit

by Marian Allen

The Punished

by Peter Meredith

CurbCheK

by Zach Fortier

H10N1

by M. R. Cornelius

Spirits Rising

by Krista D. Ball

Everything I Tell You Is A Lie

by Fingers Murphy

Blood Passage

by Michael J. McCann

For a chance to win these 8 books, visit The Masquerade Crew's site.

WRITING PROMPT: Take the titles of all eight books and come up with a story line that takes all of them into account.

MA

Java Jive

Oh, how I love coffee! I so sympathize with that scene in GEORGE OF THE JUNGLE, where George gets into the coffee and runs around with his eyes all biggety, going, "Javajavajavajavajava!"

Know why java is slang for coffee? 'Cause the Dutch cultivated coffee on the island of Java, back in the 17th Century. Here, read the Wikipedia article about it.

Also, listen to The Ink Spots sing my theme song, The Java Jive. I love the Manhattan Transfer version, too, but this one the one I grew up hearing.

Now for another cup of joe.

WRITING PROMPT: A character is desperate for a cup of coffee.

MA

Bizarro Or What?

I've just read a fantastic — in both senses of the word — book by Leslie Lee. It's called PACKAGED, and it's at Smashwords. I think it's $2.99, but Smashwords won't load at this moment, so I can't check. He gave me a coupon for a free copy, just so you know. Wait a minute: It's also at Barnes and Noble. Yeah, it is $2.99.

Okay, cheapskate that I am, I would have had to struggle with myself to wrest $2.99 from my clutch to buy an eBook from somebody whose work I hadn't read, even somebody I like. I would have been so wrong to pass this book up!

Some bits were not the kind of bits I look for in a book. I generally avoid sexuality in writing, because it's usually done so poorly, with more emphasis on logistics and mechanics than honest sensation. This book doesn't have that drawback. The bits with sexuality in them are deeply sensual and absolutely flow with the story.

I'm late posting today because I've been looking up the term "bizarro" to see if this story fits the category. As is appropriate with bizarro, I can't tell. This article in The Guardian calls bizarro "stupid and intelligent at the same time." PACKAGED isn't stupid, though. Bizarro Central says, among other things, "Bizarro strives not only to be strange, but fascinating, thought-provoking, and, above all, fun to read." If that's the case, I'm going to call PACKAGED bizarro.

PACKAGED begins as an ordinary story, then gradually becomes more and more dreamlike. It follows dream logic — or, at least, the kind of logic my dreams follow. If you never dream you're somebody else or more than one person, if you never dream you're naked or wearing somebody else's clothes, if your dreams never turn violent and then silly or both at once, if your dreams never repeat scenes or situations with your having diametrically opposite reactions from one iteration to the next, read this book and enjoy my dream life.

The astounding thing is how much sense this wacky thing makes. There's actually a story arc. Two story arcs: what happens and Tory's growth and development. A highly satisfying conclusion left me wanting to keep dreaming but ready to wake up.

Oh, and I have a major crush on Red Brick.

Meanwhile, I'm posting today at Fatal Foodies about our gutter garden.

WRITING PROMPT: What's the weirdest yet coherent dream you've ever had?

MA