Michael Robert Dyet's Blog, page 62

Summer Solstice: Scientific Inspiration for a Symbolic Revolution

Hmmm, should we jettison our 21st century jetpack on occasion and simply turn off?

I’ve always known that summer solstice has both scientific and symbolic significance. I’ve learned that it occurs when the tilt of the planet’s axis is most inclined toward the sun. Therefore, the sun reaches its highest position in the sky on that day. It follows logically that it is the day with the longest hours of daylight and marks the first official day of summer.

But until now, I had never taken the time to look into the etymology of the term. Sources differ somewhat on this point. But they agree more or less in intent.

One source holds that solstice is derived from the Latin words sol (sun) and sistere (to stand still). Another source holds that its roots are in the Latin word solsitium which means sun-stopping. In essence, it is the convergence point where the position at which the sun appears to rise and set coincides – the day when the sun theoretically stands still.

Standing still is a radical concept in our era where we feel compelled to be always running to avoid being left behind. Life barrels along at breakneck speed. Technological innovation keeps winding the clock tighter. We wind ourselves up tighter and tighter to keep in step.

It is often said, in the amped up world of technology, that if you are not moving ahead, then you are falling behind. There is no middle ground. The hamster-on-the-wheel never stops to rest. It is tantamount to revolution to think it could be otherwise.

For many of us, holding onto our job demands that we stay on top of the next big technology wave. But even as that wave crests, another even bigger one is forming behind it. The fear of becoming outdated, obsolete and irrelevant can be paralyzing. So we keep on running.

Most of us have become rather adept at sprinting. We hit the ground running every morning. We power through the day at full RPMs. We microwave our dinner and attempt to carve down the size of our ever burgeoning e-mail inbox. Then we crash into bed with the alarm set for blast off again the next morning.

Even vacation is not what it used to be. We knock ourselves out the week leading up to it to effectively bank the time. We jam as much as we can into our days off because they are so hard earned. Then we spend the first week back at work scrambling to catch up.

I believe we all secretly covet the luxury of being able to turn off for a while. We push ourselves harder and harder trying to get ahead of the curve so we can steal a few precious moments to be still, breathe deep and decompress. But we are never quite able to get there.

Perhaps we owe it to ourselves to adopt the solstice metaphor. Every now and then, step aside from the race, take off our jetpack and simply stand still. Find a point of convergence at which our soul reaches to its highest axis and lingers there for the sheer joy of it.

Call it soul solstice. It might inspire a revolution.

~ Michael Robert Dyet is the author of “Until the Deep Water Stills – An Internet-enhanced Novel” – double winner in the Reader Views Literary Awards 2009. Visit Michael’s website at www.mdyetmetaphor.com or the novel online companion at www.mdyetmetaphor.com/blog .

~ Subscribe to “Michael’s Metaphors of Life Journal aka Things That Make Me Go Hmmm” at its’ internet home www.mdyetmetaphor.com/blog2 . Instructions for subscribing are provided in the “Subscribe to this Blog: How To” instructions page in the right sidebar. If you’re reading this post on another social networking site, come back regularly to my page for postings once a week.

 

Random Act of Metaphor: Snaketail Sleuthing by the Riffling Stream

Hmmm, could it be that we’ve forgotten the purpose for which we were created?

My first forays into the fields in pursuit of winged wonders were quieter than usual this year as summer arrived with uncharacteristic modesty after a cool and petulant spring.

Perhaps that is a good thing. Anything that slows the frenetic pace of life these days is to be treasured. An added bonus: it gave me leisure to do some snaketail sleuthing which requires a measure of patience.

Snaketail dragonflies are uncommon and therefore always a delight to see. They also present intriguing identification challenges. Almost all Snaketails feature a distinct green thorax with brown shoulder stripes and black, brown or dark bluish abdomens with yellow markings.

So when my sleuthing turned up the specimen at the top of this post, I had to decide whether to label it a Rusty Snaketail (common), Riffle Snaketail (uncommon) or Sioux Snaketail (rare). The only sure fire way to make the identification is to capture it and examine it with hand magnifier. But I am just a hobbyist and do not want to be seen running through the fields waving a net.

On passing an elbow in the nearby stream, I had noticed an interesting curved riffle where the water coursed over a sandbank. And so, I settled on Riffle Snaketail because that species is known to frequent streams with riffles.

In the end, it matters not whether I got the identification right. It matters only that it slowed my footsteps and recalibrated my brain to the gentler pace of trickling streams with dragonflies in stitching flight along their path.

Snaketail sleuthing by the riffling stream – a random act of metaphor to remind me that we were created to linger lazily and delight in the moment, not to dash about madly like the end of the world is nigh.

~ Michael Robert Dyet is the author of “Until the Deep Water Stills – An Internet-enhanced Novel” – double winner in the Reader Views Literary Awards 2009. Visit Michael’s website at www.mdyetmetaphor.com or the novel online companion at www.mdyetmetaphor.com/blog .

~ Subscribe to “Michael’s Metaphors of Life Journal aka Things That Make Me Go Hmmm” at its’ internet home www.mdyetmetaphor.com/blog2 . Instructions for subscribing are provided in the “Subscribe to this Blog: How To” instructions page in the right sidebar. If you’re reading this post on another social networking site, come back regularly to my page for postings once a week.

 

 

The Political Leader’s TV Debate Rules of Engagement

Hmmm, does anyone really win when political leaders go toe to toe on television?

Earlier this week I tuned into the provincial leaders TV debate. I do this in the lead-up to every election campaign, albeit reluctantly, in the interest of making an informed choice on Election Day. Sadly, as I’ve said before, it is really about deciding which of the leaders I dislike the least.

I’ll be honest. I could only endure an hour of the debate before pulling the plug. Calling it a debate is a disservice to the word. More accurate descriptions come to mind – sandbox squabble, catfight and legalized slander, to name just a few.

The first ten minutes were predictably all about how many knives Hudak and Horvath could plunge in Kathleen Wynn’s back over the gas plant debacle. Frankly, I’m sick and tired of hearing them that beat that drum. It’s old news. Let’s move on.

And please, don’t expect me to believe that a Conservative or NDP government would not have its own share of scandals. Politics and scandals go together like beer and pizza.

An aside: Can someone explain to me why Wynn’s handlers told her not to look at her opponents when responding to the scandal questions? Her expression seemed to say: Maybe if I pretend that they’re not there, they’ll spontaneously burst into flames.

On a lighter note, I do find some amusement in the tactics that get employed in these debates. I’m sure that there is a Political Leader’s TV Debate Rules of Engagement Manual with hard and fast rules such as:

Always thank the interviewer or constituent for their question and maintain that the issue is exactly what you wanted to talk about and exactly what your platform is built around.

Never ever answer a negative question directly. Deflect, deflect, deflect like your political life depends on it.

Counter attack at every opportunity. If you get your teeth into your opponent on an issue where they are vulnerable, hang on like a rabid pit bull.

If you’re the leader of the ruling party, blame everything bad on the party in power before you. Imply that you inherited a tsunami disaster that you are still cleaning up.

If you’re the leader of the official opposition, be smug, self-righteous and indignant with just a dash of homespun humility at opportune moments.

If you’re the leader of the minority party, divide and conquer. Periodically, appear to side with each of your opponents until they lower their guard momentarily. Then go for the jugular.

Be a pulpit pounder for your own platform. Not matter what the question, all answers must spin on the head of a rhetorical pin and lead directly back to your core promises.

Statistics were made to be abused. Twist and torture them at will to suit your argument. You can always claim later that you were misquoted.

Lastly, and most importantly, every campaign promise must be metaphorical in nature with multiple layers of truth and ambiguity. Leave yourself wiggle room to redefine what you really meant when the shit inevitably hits the fan.

~ Michael Robert Dyet is the author of “Until the Deep Water Stills – An Internet-enhanced Novel” – double winner in the Reader Views Literary Awards 2009. Visit Michael’s website at www.mdyetmetaphor.com or the novel online companion at www.mdyetmetaphor.com/blog .

~ Subscribe to “Michael’s Metaphors of Life Journal aka Things That Make Me Go Hmmm” at its’ internet home www.mdyetmetaphor.com/blog2 . Instructions for subscribing are provided in the “Subscribe to this Blog: How To” instructions page in the right sidebar. If you’re reading this post on another social networking site, come back regularly to my page for postings once a week.

 

Buyers Beware: Big Algorithm May Be Watching

Hmmm, are retail stores becoming WiFi enabled privacy-free zones?

I’m starting to think that I should create a new blog category called “Here We Go Again” for the posts I write about technology advancements that push the boundaries of ethical practice.

The latest in the ongoing saga is called “mobile analytics” which involves surveillance video cameras and smartphone trackers installed inside retail stores. A Silicon Valley company has developed software that uses algorithms to interpret data taken from these snooping devices.

Consider this scenario: You spend a few minutes going through a stack of jeans to find the right size, take a pair to the dressing room to try them on and then buy them. The whole time your behaviours are being recorded and stored in the retailer’s database.

It’s all thanks to WiFi technology. WiFi trackers on store shelves can apparently activate and read anonymous identifiers in a smartphone.

Once again it is marketing nirvana for the retailer. It is entirely feasible for this software to automatically generate a marketing pitch, based on your last ten minutes behaviour, and send it to your iPhone before you leave the store.

Big Brother is not just watching and listening. He is inside your head anticipating your whim of the moment and capitalizing on it to sell you something.

A week ago I stepped out of the cell phone dark ages and bought an iPhone. I haven’t yet figured out how to activate anything other than simply making calls, receiving calls and retrieving voice mail messages. Now I’m wondering if I should smash the annoying thing with a hammer and go back to my old dumb phone.

At the risk of being labelled a conspiracy theorist, I can’t help but wonder if the GPS device in my car is already in on the act. It could be recording the days of the week and the time of the day I go the mall and funneling that information to the mall retailers.

Years ago, when police starting using radar to catch speeding drivers, enterprising tech wizards of that era developed fuzzbusters to tip you off that radar devices where nearby. I’m hoping that the kids of those techies are developing algorithm busters to alert us that our smartphones are being hijacked for commercial purposes.

Legislators are doing their best to protect consumer privacy. But there is simply no way they can keep up with the pace or sophistication of technology. By the time they catch up with this latest bit of WiFi wizardy, the next generation of techno snooping will already be locked and loaded.

Orwell coined Big Brother in 1949 as the metaphor for omnipresent government surveillance. I’m declaring Big Algorithm to be the modern metaphor for omnipresent retail surveillance. Buyers beware: Big Algorithm may be watching.

~ Michael Robert Dyet is the author of “Until the Deep Water Stills – An Internet-enhanced Novel” – double winner in the Reader Views Literary Awards 2009. Visit Michael’s website at www.mdyetmetaphor.com or the novel online companion at www.mdyetmetaphor.com/blog .

~ Subscribe to “Michael’s Metaphors of Life Journal aka Things That Make Me Go Hmmm” at its’ internet home www.mdyetmetaphor.com/blog2 . Instructions for subscribing are provided in the “Subscribe to this Blog: How To” instructions page in the right sidebar. If you’re reading this post on another social networking site, come back regularly to my page for postings once a week.

Flycatcher Lookalikes: Nature’s Diversity at Its Most Exquisite

Hmmm, is there a better example of “the devil is in the details” than the lookalike Empidonax family?

One of appeals of birdwatching is the challenge of distinguishing between similar species in the same family. No species typifies that challenge more than the Empidonax flycatchers.

There are five Empidonax flycatchers. All are dingy greenish birds with eye-rings and double, whitish wing bars. They differ in size by a fraction of an inch which is difficult (read near impossible) to distinguish through binoculars viewing lookalikes that vary in size from 5-1/4” to 5-3/4”. A quick snapshot of each species:

Least Flycatcher: So named, I presume, because it is the smallest of the five. Said to be the grayest of the group with an eye-ring is somewhat more distinct. But trust me – that is splitting hairs. It is also, allegedly, more whitish on the breast – allegedly being the operative word.

Acadian Flycatcher: More greenish than the Least with a dusky yellowish wash on the sides. Acadians have a shadow vest across the breast which helps distinguish them from Leasts but less so from their other cousins. The lower half of the beak is said to be extensively paler. But whoever developed that field mark fails to grasp the concept of extensively.

Willow Flycatcher: A bit larger and browner than the Least. But well-nigh impossible to distinguish by appearance from Alder Flycatchers although the back is infinitesimally less green. Same applies to the less distinct eye-ring.

Alder Flycatcher: See Willow Flycatcher description above. Enough said.

Yellow-belled Flycatcher: As the name suggests, they have decidedly yellowish underparts. I can usually identify Yellow-bellieds if I get a good, straight on view although decidedly is rather an exaggeration. I have never been able to pick up the yellowish tinge in the eye-ring.

Now for the good news. These five are easily identified by song or call and habitat.

Least Flycatcher: Call – A sharp che-bek!  che-beck! Habitat – open groves.

Acadian Flycatcher: Call – A sharp pit-see! Habitat – Deciduous forest, ravines, swampy woods, beech and hemlock groves.

Willow Flycatcher: Call – A sneezy fitz-bew. Habitat: Bushes and willow thickets.

Alder Flycatcher: An accented fee-bee-o. Habitat: Willows, alders and brushy swamps.

Yellow-belled Flycatcher: A simple purr-wee. Habitat: Boreal forests, muskeg and bogs.

But here is the fly in the ointment (pardon the pun.) In migration, which is when I mostly see these flycatchers, they often don’t sing. And they don’t settle exclusively into their preferred habitats until they are in their breeding range.

So why do I like these frustratingly difficult to distinguish lookalikes? They pleasantly tease my brain as I follow them, through my binoculars, flitting about in the treetops. And they serve as an unequalled metaphor for the infinite and exquisite diversity of nature which never ceases to amaze and delight me. Go ahead, call me a nature geek. I take it as a compliment.

~ Michael Robert Dyet is the author of “Until the Deep Water Stills – An Internet-enhanced Novel” – double winner in the Reader Views Literary Awards 2009. Visit Michael’s website at www.mdyetmetaphor.com or the novel online companion at www.mdyetmetaphor.com/blog .

~ Subscribe to “Michael’s Metaphors of Life Journal aka Things That Make Me Go Hmmm” at its’ internet home www.mdyetmetaphor.com/blog2 . Instructions for subscribing are provided in the “Subscribe to this Blog: How To” instructions page in the right sidebar. If you’re reading this post on another social networking site, come back regularly to my page for postings once a week.

Godzilla: Classic Remake or Blockbuster Sellout

Hmmm, are we waving a sad farewell to the days of movies as an art form?

The latest cinematic debut, just in time for the Victoria Day long weekend, is yet another remake of the B-movie classic Godzilla. I’ve been seeing the television commercials for it for a few weeks now. A bellowing, enraged, Jurassic Park wannabe monster absorbs all the pixels on my TV screen.

Godzilla first roared onto cinema screens in 1954 and has reappeared dozens of times. Sixty years later it is back for another go-round – this time with big money behind it.

The motion picture studios are increasingly returning to the well these days to remake classic (I use the term loosely) movies. Comic book characters are one of their staples.

Spiderman is back on the big screen for at least the fifth time. We’ve seen numerous versions of Batman with a who’s who of actors portraying the caped crusader: George Clooney, Michael Keaton, Val Kilmer and Christian Bale. Christopher Reeves donned the tights and cape four times to portray the man of steel Superman.

I get that remakes and sequels are money-in-the-bank for the studios. I cannot fault them for going where the money leads them. But the resurrection (pardon the pun) of Godzilla feels to me like a blockbuster sellout. Surely there are better ways to pry money out of the pockets of movie goers than to scrap the bottom of the B-movie barrel.

I enjoy the experience of going to the movie theatre. It is a chance to take a break from the chaotic, always-looking-over-your-shoulder society in which we live these days. Slipping away into the make-believe world of cinema is a welcome escape.

But it is increasingly difficult to find movies that I actually want to see. My tastes run to mainstream, character driven dramas where gifted actors can spread their wings. I consider myself fortunate if two or three such movies find their way to the screen each year.

The motion picture industry, like any other, is about making profits for shareholders. But I would like to believe it is possible to do so and still have a modicum of integrity. Movies were once considered to be an art form. But those days seem to be slipping away from us.

Interestingly, I discovered that Godzilla was originally conceived, in the wake of Hiroshima and Nagasaki, as a metaphor for nuclear weapons. But the metaphor has been watered down over the years. The latest incarnation of the king of the monsters seems to me to be all about chasing the easy money.

I continue to hope that a few true artists are still holding on in the industry and fighting to have intelligent movies made. Otherwise, escaping into the theatre for a break from reality may not be an option for many of us much longer.

~ Michael Robert Dyet is the author of “Until the Deep Water Stills – An Internet-enhanced Novel” – double winner in the Reader Views Literary Awards 2009. Visit Michael’s website at www.mdyetmetaphor.com or the novel online companion at www.mdyetmetaphor.com/blog .

~ Subscribe to “Michael’s Metaphors of Life Journal aka Things That Make Me Go Hmmm” at its’ internet home www.mdyetmetaphor.com/blog2 . Instructions for subscribing are provided in the “Subscribe to this Blog: How To” instructions page in the right sidebar. If you’re reading this post on another social networking site, come back regularly to my page for postings once a week.

Random Act of Metaphor: Brown Thrasher in the Brush

Hmmm, does the first splash of Warbler yellow signify the triumph of spring or does it perhaps arise from shades more subdued but no less elegant? 

One of the delights of spring bird-watching is the spark of colour of the first Warbler of the season. Often it is the flash of daffodil yellow, accentuated by the chestnut cap, of a tail-bobbing Palm Warbler. Or perhaps the butter yellow throat of a sprightly Nashville Warbler.

I eagerly anticipate that flash of Warbler yellow in the budding trees. But I’m always caught off guard by the sight of the first Brown Thrasher. Its name suggests a nondescript and unruly bird. But brown does not do justice to the garb of this regal bird that happens to be a talented mimic.

The official description of its shade of brown is rufous which, while technically accurate, falls short of capturing the rich, orange-infused brown that distinguishes Thrashers. The combination of that earthy brown, contrasted with the heavily streaked breast, on a bird that measures nearly a foot, from the point of its curved bill to the tip of its upturned fan-shaped tail, is quite striking.

The Brown Thrasher is always a pleasant surprise for me when I spot it thrashing about in the brush. It is a random act of metaphor to remind me that beauty comes in many hues both bright and subtle and indeed is in the eye of the beholder.

~ Michael Robert Dyet is the author of “Until the Deep Water Stills – An Internet-enhanced Novel” – double winner in the Reader Views Literary Awards 2009. Visit Michael’s website at www.mdyetmetaphor.com or the novel online companion at www.mdyetmetaphor.com/blog .

~ Subscribe to “Michael’s Metaphors of Life Journal aka Things That Make Me Go Hmmm” at its’ internet home www.mdyetmetaphor.com/blog2 . Instructions for subscribing are provided in the “Subscribe to this Blog: How To” instructions page in the right sidebar. If you’re reading this post on another social networking site, come back regularly to my page for postings once a week.

Provincial Election Forecast: Cloudy With a High Probability of Drizzle

Hmmm, what do stratus clouds and the provincial election have in common?

Hang on to your hats. We’re heading into a provincial election in June thanks to provincial NDP leader Andrea Horvath who decided she cannot (or will not) support the Liberal government’s new budget. The sceptic in me can’t help but wonder if she made her decision before even cracking the cover on the budget document.

No doubt PC leader Tim Hudak is ecstatic. Horvath has done the dirty work for him. Now he can hit the campaign trail without the baggage of having caused the election.

There is a silver lining or two in this political cloud:

The federal Conservatives may take a break from their Justin Trudeau “in over his head” ads while the provincial leaders duke it out. The polls show their strategy is backfiring in any event. Half of the people who have seen the ads say they are more likely to vote Liberal because of them.

The press may turn their scandal-thirsty attention away from Mayor Rob Ford for a while – particularly since he is retreating from public life temporarily to seek help for his problems.

On the flip side, there are black clouds forming that we will have to endure:

Both the NDP and the Liberals will be banging the drum about the scandals of the McGuinty Liberal government – the cancelled power plants that could cost over a billion dollars and the ORNGE air ambulance fiasco. I can’t wait for the leader’s TV debate to see Horvath and Hudak compete to see who can exploit them the most shamelessly.

The radio and television airwaves will be cluttered with a spate of political ads as all three parties ramp up for this sprint election campaign. The mute button on my TV remote will get a work out as I’ll quickly tire of the barrage.

I find it difficult to stomach politics the way it is practised in this day and age. I always exercise my civic duty to vote and will continue to do so. I wish that politicians would exercise their civic duty to represent the interests of the people who elect them instead of playing the politics game.

Back to my original question. I found this definition of stratus clouds on a “Weather for Kids” website. Stratus clouds are uniform grayish clouds that often cover the entire sky. They resemble fog that does not reach the ground. Usually no precipitation falls from stratus clouds, but sometimes they may drizzle.

Stratus clouds seem like an apt weather metaphor for this provincial election – six weeks of uniformly gray conditions that put us in a fog as politicians drizzle rhetoric from on high. The silver lining is that it is only six weeks this time around. Thank God for small mercies.

~ Michael Robert Dyet is the author of “Until the Deep Water Stills – An Internet-enhanced Novel” – double winner in the Reader Views Literary Awards 2009. Visit Michael’s website at www.mdyetmetaphor.com or the novel online companion at www.mdyetmetaphor.com/blog .

~ Subscribe to “Michael’s Metaphors of Life Journal aka Things That Make Me Go Hmmm” at its’ internet home www.mdyetmetaphor.com/blog2 . Instructions for subscribing are provided in the “Subscribe to this Blog: How To” instructions page in the right sidebar. If you’re reading this post on another social networking site, come back regularly to my page for postings once a week.

Virtual Midnight Madness: A 24/7 State of Mind

Hmmm, how long will it be before bulldozers move in to level the obsolete shopping mall?

I’ve had a story idea kicking around in my mind for several years. It would be the story of a man who never leaves his home. He has cut off all contact with the outside world and created a safe haven within the four walls of his house. The dramatic possibilities are intriguing.

We are not far from the day when it will be quite feasible to live that way. Today alone three news stories emerged that show how far along the spectrum we have already progressed.

Case in Point #1: OfficeMax Grand & Toy has announced that it is going to close all of its retail stores across Canada. No, they are not going out of business. It’s just that customers are not walking through the door any longer.

Only three per cent of the corporation’s sales come from their bricks and mortar stores. All the rest comes through the online channel. After 130 years of selling face-to-face, their business model will now be 100 percent virtual.

Case in Point #2: A retail technology consulting firm study found that online grocery sales could reach 17% of total U.S. grocery sales within the next decade. The shift in shopping preference is being led by affluent customers with plenty of money, but not enough time, and by millennials who are by nature online oriented.

Case in Point #3: Canada Post is offering e-commerce software solutions to small businesses to help them make the jump to online and grow their business. Those who come on board will earn incentives on Canada Post shipping services.

Sidebar: Canada Post is the poster child for automate or perish. Snail mail volumes are shrinking. The federal agency has no choice but to develop online offerings.

There is no getting around the fact that business is increasing being funneled through the Internet. The crowds waiting at the door for the store to open for the midnight madness sale are transforming to bytes gathering at the web portal for 24/7 access to the online shopping cart.

I envision a day when the big shopping mall around the corner from my apartment building will be bulldozed. Two massive buildings will take its place. One will be filled with state-of-the-art computer servers processing billions of orders per week. The other will be a giant distribution centre from which products will be picked, packed, loaded and delivered by faceless drones.

I do not know if I will see that day in my lifetime. I hope not but, it is quite possible. I have no doubt that somewhere there is a think tank of millennial tech geniuses mapping out that very scenario and putting the first virtual building blocks in place.

I conceived of my story of the totally self-sufficient, never-leave-the-house, recluse as a metaphor for our depersonalized world. But I think I have waited too long. Metaphor is dissolving into reality and losing its cache. Virtual midnight madness is now a 24/7 state of mind.

~ Michael Robert Dyet is the author of “Until the Deep Water Stills – An Internet-enhanced Novel” – double winner in the Reader Views Literary Awards 2009. Visit Michael’s website at www.mdyetmetaphor.com or the novel online companion at www.mdyetmetaphor.com/blog .

~ Subscribe to “Michael’s Metaphors of Life Journal aka Things That Make Me Go Hmmm” at its’ internet home www.mdyetmetaphor.com/blog2 . Instructions for subscribing are provided in the “Subscribe to this Blog: How To” instructions page in the right sidebar. If you’re reading this post on another social networking site, come back regularly to my page for postings once a week.

 

Magellan, Are You Listening? A Social Media Experiment

Hmmm, is Red Green more customer service friendly than Magellan?

I have a Magellan GPS in my car. My regular usage of it has worn out the suction cup on the window/dash mount for the device. A simple problem to remedy? You would think so.

I go onto the Magellan website and locate the item at a price of $24.99. I put it in my virtual shopping cart. The shipping price displays as $7, which seems reasonable, so I click through. But in the final confirmation screen the shipping method defaults to Fedex Priority at a cost of $25. Do they really think I will pay $25 to ship a $24.99 item?

I patiently click on the “Change Order” button. But shipping method is not one of things I can change. Probably my fault, I decide. I likely clicked on the wrong box a step or two earlier. So I cancel the order and repeat the process. Same scenario – $7 standard shipping changes to $25 priority shipping with no way to change it. I am now mildly irritated.

I decide that I will have to resort to the old school telephone call. I access the “Contact Us” page and find a toll free customer service number. But it explicitly states that this number is for warranty inquiries only. Any other inquiry can only be made by e-mail or their online chat forum.

The implicit message is: We really don’t want to talk to you unless we absolutely have to. Now I am pissed off and in no mood to “chat”. So I resort to the e-mail option where several fill-in-the-category boxes confront me. Issue type: Request for replacement accessory. Subject: Windshield Mount. So far, so good.

The Product box has a drop-down menu. I select Accessory and move on to the Product Model box. But there is no drop-down menu for Product Model when the Product is Accessory. So I skip that box, type my message and click Send. A message pops up indicating that I must select a Product Model. This is going south fast.

I repeat the whole process with the same result. Now I am righteously indignant. How does this expletive deleted company stay in business with crappy customer service like this?

Eventually I cool down and decide that trying to do business with Magellan is probably bad for my health. Better to channel my inner Red Green and simply duct-tape the mount I have to the dash. Problem solved.

But then I have a moment of inspiration. This is an opportunity for a social media experiment. Astute companies use social media monitoring tools to scan for mentions of their brand in the online realm. So I am testing to see if Magellan is listening.

I know that the more often I use the company name the more likely it is that the monitoring tools will pick up the reference. So I’ll go the extra mile to help them:

Magellan customer service sucks. Magellan customer service sucks. Magellan customer service sucks. Magellan customer service sucks. Magellan customer service sucks.

Now I have mentioned Magellan nine times (well, that makes ten).So let’s see if Magellan (eleven times) is listening. If they are listening and read this post, which also appears on several social network sites, my request is: Send me the windshield/dash mount free of charge for the aggravation I have experienced. I’ll even provide the part number: AN0303SWXXX.

If Magellan (twelve times) is not listening, then I declare them to be a glaring metaphor for severely customer serviced impaired with a goodwill value lower than the price of a roll of duct tape.

~ Michael Robert Dyet is the author of “Until the Deep Water Stills – An Internet-enhanced Novel” – double winner in the Reader Views Literary Awards 2009. Visit Michael’s website at www.mdyetmetaphor.com or the novel online companion at www.mdyetmetaphor.com/blog .

~ Subscribe to “Michael’s Metaphors of Life Journal aka Things That Make Me Go Hmmm” at its’ internet home www.mdyetmetaphor.com/blog2 . Instructions for subscribing are provided in the “Subscribe to this Blog: How To” instructions page in the right sidebar. If you’re reading this post on another social networking site, come back regularly to my page for postings once a week.