Caryn Rivadeneira's Blog, page 5
March 19, 2014
My Lenten Confessional: Day 13
Dear God:
“Do not steal,” your commandments say. And I admit: I’m pretty good about following this, in the traditional sense. I’ve never tried to sneak a candy bar out of a store, never even been tempted. I don’t wonder how many purses I could stuff in my purse and if I could get away with.
And yet, even as I type, my mind is flooded (am I think guilty a personality or are these Holy Spirit promptings?). In our financial crunch, we’ve used credit cards to pay for things we didn’t have money for (stealing?). We’ve borrowed money from family and have been slow to pay it back (stealing?). Probably. Forgive me.
Then there’s the writing: While I hope I don’t make a practice of stealing other people’s words, ideas without credit. I live with the fear that something I read somewhere, somehow that sunk deep in my head will work its way on to a page, and I’ll forget–or not think–to credit it. Though this isn’t always stealing, sometimes it is. Forgive me.
And now “post its” came into my head. For the times I’ve used an office product to jot a personal note, a grocery list. For the times I’ve printed off a medical form at the work printer (I just did this! Stealing? I guess!), for the times I used other people’s or organization’s resources as my own, forgive me.
Apparently, God, I am a thief. Ha! Forgive me.
Amen.
Click here for the other confessions and click here for the reason I’m even doing this.
March 18, 2014
My Lenten Confessional: Day 12
So God:
Today I need to take a break from asking forgiveness for breaking one of the commandments. Since the biggest sin on my heart right now is election-related. While I vote–each and every time–because men and women fought (died!) too hard for my right to vote for me to be “too busy” or “too annoyed” not to, truth is, as I filled in tiny ovals–or left some blank–my heart was hard toward every last name on that ballot.
I know too much. The politics in this state are too corrupt. The candidates too untruthful, too smarmy for me to feel good about voting for any of them. Some pretend to be “outsiders” but are backed by machines. Others pretend to be one party, while activists for other parties churn out the votes for them. Most make promises they know they will break. Too many claim positions and values that will dissipate moments after oaths of office are taken.
But still, forgive my hard heart toward these men and women. Forgive my judgement. Forgive my skepticism, my disdain.
Amen.
Click here for the other confessions and click here for the reason I’m even doing this.
March 17, 2014
My Lenten Confessional: Day 11
Dear God:
As Jesus made it so I had to confess murder yesterday, so does he make it that I have to confess adultery today. Great.
Though not everyone is quick to make the Bible gender inclusive, and therefore not everyone would agree Jesus was speaking to me, I feel confident in assuming that when Jesus said, “You have heard that it was said, ‘You shall not commit adultery.’But I tell you that anyone who looks at a woman lustfully has already committed adultery with her in his heart,” it’s fair to substitute woman for man here.
I don’t believe Jesus was letting lustful women off the hook.
And of course, I’ve lusted. So of course, I’ve committed adultery, Jimmy Carter-style, “in my heart.”
Forgive me. Forgive me for the times my eyes and my thoughts have wandered. Forgive me for giving in to imagination–if not physical temptation. Ugh. Forgive me.
Amen.
Click here for the other confessions and click here for the reason I’m even doing this.
March 15, 2014
My Lenten Confessional: Day 10
Dear God:
If it weren’t for Jesus, I’d have nothing to confess today (of course, if it weren’t for Jesus, I wouldn’t be forgiven either so….). If this were Old Testament times, I could happily claim I’ve never once broken today’s commandment. I have never, ever murdered anyone.
Jesus says, “But I tell you that anyone who is angry with a brother or sister will be subject to judgment. Again, anyone who says to a brother or sister, ‘Raca,’ is answerable to the court.And anyone who says, ‘You fool!’ will be in danger of the fire of hell.”
And I’ve done this plenty. Forgive me for the times I spend angry at others. For the times I speak–or think–contemptuously about another, for the times I consider others fools. Forgive me for the ways I’ve mishandled relationships, for the harsh or evil words I’ve spoken against people I should be building up, not tearing down.
Amen.
Click here for the other confessions and click here for the reason I’m even doing this.
March 14, 2014
My Lenten Confessional: Day 9
Dear God:
So that 5th commandment: honor thy father and mother. I love my parents, but as I read this passage this morning, I realized this has to be to be the commandment I’ve broken more than any other in my life. From my days as a talk-backing, eye-rolling child I was to the–well–talk-backing, eye-rolling woman I am today, I have failed consistently to honor my parents.
Forgive me for the times I don’t love my parents as I should, for the times I fail to honor them. Forgive me for the times I’ve discounted what they had to say, for the times I haven’t called, for the many, many, many times I’ve talked out of turn. Forgive me for the times I’ve yelled in their faces, for the times I’ve shook my head at them as they walked away. Forgive my lack of respect, for my lack of forgiveness.
Forgive me for not asking this of them….Ack.
Amen.
Click here for the other confessions and click here for the reason I’m even doing this.
March 13, 2014
My Lenten Confession: Day 8
Dear God:
Your 4th commandment says: “Remember the Sabbath day by keeping it holy. Six days you shall labor and do all your work, but the seventh day is a sabbath to theLord your God. On it you shall not do any work, neither you, nor your son or daughter, nor your male or female servant, nor your animals, nor any foreigner residing in your towns.”
All I can say is: I try. But of course, I fail. I rarely have/take a full day when I rest. I do half-Saturdays and half-Sundays, sometimes (rarely) when things get too much I grab an afternoon during the week. I know I was not made for the Sabbath, but the Sabbath for me. And I know that resting is important, essential, a gift from you. But I’m as guilty as anyone for getting entangled in the busy. In thinking I have to go-go-go to keep it all together.
Forgive me.
Amen.
Click here for the other confessions and click here for the reason I’m even doing this.
March 12, 2014
My Lenten Confessional: Day 7
Dear God:
The 3rd commandment says to not misuse your name. And yet I do. Though I don’t use “Oh my God” as a exclamation, I use “Good Lord” that way, I’ve just realized now. Forgive me for that.
But I suspect this is the least of my errors when it comes to using your name “in vain.” I’m a little more worried about the times I use your name for my gain (vain, name, gain…hope the internal rhymes are amusing you as much as they’re amusing me, God).
Forgive me for the times I write or speak and “spiritualize” it–tack on Scripture or invoke your name–so I can sell it to my audience. I don’t think (dear God, I hope!) I don’t do this often. But I know I have. I know I’ve written something and then had to think, Now how do I make this about Jesus?
Sometimes that’s fair enough–after all, I subscribe to “every square inch” thinking. And as a writer I have a hard time taking you out of things. But you know what I mean. You see what I do. Sometimes. Forgive me.
Amen.
Click here for the other confessions and click here for the reason I’m even doing this.
March 11, 2014
My Lenten Confessional: Day 6
Dear God:
Today I confess breaking Commandment #2: worshipping “graven images.” Though this one is tricky. It’d be easier if I were the sort of Presbyterian who will not have pictures of Jesus for fear of breaking this commandment. Not that my home is overrun with pictures of you, Jesus. But we’ve got them. In storybook Bibles mostly.
And I suppose I could ask forgiveness for wearing a pagan symbol around my neck: my beloved scarab. But you know I wear it because it symbolizes resurrection. And any mention or thought of resurrection only ever leads me back to you. Since that’s your whole business.
So my confession today will sound a lot like my confession yesterday (as the first and second commandment sound a lot like one another): Forgive me for the times–the many, many times–I worship at the feet of something else. When I choose honoring my writing, my ideas, my kids, my pride, my vanity, my immediate gratification, my wants, my whatever over you. Forgive me for the times I worship the whims of this world.
Forgive me for having many other gods before you.
And now forgive me for doing what I always do–getting lost in the tricky bit about “generational sin” that you mention in this commandment. Forgive my skeptical streak that here goes, “Really? Punishing kids for their parents’ mistakes? That’s pretty low…” (We’ll save that for another day.) In the meantime, thank you for the promise of love here. Especially since I know it holds even if we manage to break a commandment or 10.
Amen.
Click here for the other confessions and click here for the reason I’m even doing this.
March 10, 2014
My Lenten Confession: Day 5
Dear God:
You say this: “I am the Lord your God, who brought you out of Egypt, out of the land of slavery. You shall have no other gods before me.”
I do this:
Click here to view the embedded video.
Well, maybe not exactly. I believe in you. And I wouldn’t blow out those candles. But like Frank Underwood I know I’ve essentially prayed “to myself, for myself” on more times than I’d like to admit.
Sometimes my prayers are essentially pep talks. My claims of “giving it over to you” are sometimes mere words, knowing that I’m really going to play god in my own life over the things I so desperately want control.
Forgive me for this. Forgive me for being my own god. For thinking I can handle, do anything–not on your strength–but on my own. Forgive me for telling you I trust you, that I put you first, but so often doing exactly the opposite. For trusting me. For putting me first. Way before you.
Amen.
March 8, 2014
My Lenten Confession: Day 4
Dear God,
Today I get to do something I love to do: lead a retreat. And lead it with a good friend, no less. And yet, even in my excitement, saying yes to this good thing means saying no to a few others. And I hate that. My FOMO is rearing its ugly head. Forgive me for this. Forgive me for struggling to stay content with the good thing in front of me. Forgive me for not preferring the given. Forgive me for letting my head turn to green grass on the sides that surround me. Forgive me for not trusting that with you we don’t miss out. We have nothing to fear.
Amen
Click here for the other confessions and click here for the reason I’m even doing this.
