Matthew Dicks's Blog, page 595

A bunny and a super hero: A sordid tale of unlikely love

Poor Mr. Bunny.  Mrs. Bunny has tossed him out of the bed.  And with no sofa to sleep on, he has been relegated to the floor.

Wait.  What's this?

Someone else is in bed with Mrs. Bunny.  Who could it be?

Have I mentioned that my daughter's favorite Sesame Street character is Super Grover?

And apparently he is Mrs. Bunny's favorite as well. 

   

A convergence of fabulousness

Written by Jason Segel.

Directed by James Bobin, the creator of Flight of the Conchords.

Starring Segel and Amy Adams, and featuring, among others, Jack Black, Neil Patrick Harris, Zach Galifianakis and Ed Helms.

Sounds like a damn good movie.  Right?

It's The Muppet Movie.

Yes, I think I'm going to have to see it.  Even if Clara will not.

The ones who fell out of the back of the pickup trucks are dead. Worse, they are forgotten.

Unfulfilled potential is difficult, if not impossible, to measure. 

Yet we ignore this fact almost constantly.

I mentioned to someone that I need to buy a bike helmet for Clara now that she is riding her tricycle out on the street.

"A helmet?" the person said.  "When I was a kid, no one wore a helmet and we're all fine.  And for a tricycle?  I swear we coddle these kids like they are made of porcelain these day."

"Correction," I said.  You didn't wear a helmet and you're fine.  But what about all the dead kids who weren't wearing helmets?  It's easy to forget about them because maybe you didn't know them or maybe you don't remember them or maybe you didn't hear about them because you were a kid or maybe they ARE DEAD."

I use this retort quite a bit.

At a recent author appearances, I told the story about riding in the back of a friend's mother's pickup truck when I was a kid.  When I was done speaking, a man approached me and said that my story brought back a flood of memories of doing the same.  "It's a shame we don't let kids ride in the backs of those trucks anymore," he said. 

"It's a shame if you enjoyed it and survived it," I said.  "But all the kids who fell out of the back of trucks and died or suffered massive head injuries probably wouldn't consider it a shame at all."

Kids tend to not hear about these tragedies unless they knew the kid who died, and even then, it's so easy to forget about these tragedies by the time we become adults. 

As a result, we grow up assuming that whatever dangerous thing that we did and survived as a kid was survived by everyone else as well.

But rarely is this the case.

Unfulfilled potential also comes into play in the raising of children.  For example, the way that my parents raised me was questionable at best.  No books in the home.  No help or even follow-up with homework.  No encouragement to attend college (the word college was never even spoken to me).  No participation in my athletic, musical or Scouting careers.  No curfew.  No limits on where I could go or what I could do. 

When I was 16, I vacationed in New Hampshire with six friends, squeezing into two tiny cabins and spending the week playing video games, hanging out at the beach and meeting girls, and my parents didn't even know I was gone.

As a friend said recently, I parented myself for most of my childhood, and he was probably right.     

Despite all this, some might assume that my parents did a great job, because I have turned out to be moderately successful.  A wonderful family.  Great friends.  A successful teacher and novelist.  A small business owner.    

Others might say that although my parents were less than supportive, I managed to squeeze the most out of my innate abilities.  They might assume that I rose about my parents' inadequacies and still made the most out of my life.   

I say neither.

While I am quite pleased with the way that I turned out, I am also willing to acknowledge that there is probably a lot of unfulfilled potential in me. 

I often wonder where I would be today had attended college after high school and gotten a quicker start on my professional life.  What if I hadn't languished for those five years after high school, working unending hours and living in the most ridiculous circumstances in order to survive?  

What if I hadn't needed to work a fulltime job while attending college fulltime?  Might I have extracted more from my education?  Would I have gotten to know more people?  Built a larger network of friends and professional contacts?   

What if my parents had been even slightly supportive of my athletic or musical career?  Might my skills have developed to a higher level?  Might something have become of those talents?

I suspect that despite my success, there is great amounts of unfulfilled potential littered throughout my life, and that most of it is no longer accessible or attainable.

This does not mean that I am not happy with who I am.  Just curious about who I could have been.   

Yet parents (including mine) justify their lapses in judgment or ease their parental guilt by ignoring unfulfilled potential and simply focusing on how their child has turned out in comparison to the mean.

"We didn't really read to Johnny as a kid, but he's turned into a solid A and B student, so it just goes to show you that every child is different."

Sure, but maybe Johnny was supposed to be the next Einstein or the next Faulkner.  Maybe if you had read to him at an early age, he would be curing cancer today.

I'm not suggesting that parents constantly beat themselves up over their failures.  I just want them them to be realistic when dispensing advice or complaining about how dramatically the world has changed. 

Don't complain about bike helmets just because you've forgotten about all the dead kids from your own childhood and managed to avoid a head injury of your own.   

Don't suggest to a new mother that reading to a child is overrated and unnecessary because your little Johnny is a solid A and B student.   

And please don't tell me that Johnny turned out fine even though you smoked throughout your pregnancy. 

Yes, Johnny might be fine, but in the grand scheme of things, fine sucks. 

Lost potential sucks. 

And if you smoked throughout your pregnancy, you probably suck, too. 

Just because Johnny has managed to survive and thrive despite your failures as a parent doesn't mean that you made the best decisions as a parent.

Or even average decisions.   

Worst still, we will never know what Johnny could have been. 

Pretty and precious

My daughter almost never smiles for the camera, so this photograph is both incredibly cute and remarkably rare. 

Is being a woman like living in Shark Week all the time?

I have yet to find the actual study referenced in this article, so there is hope that the methodology that led to the statistics listed below was poor and the results therefore invalid. 

Or perhaps because the piece appeared in a UK newspaper, the results are skewed toward a decidedly British sentiment. 

But having spent my lifetime in female dominated industries (education, consumer banking, food services, publishing), in addition to having spent four years enrolled at an all-girl's college, I know that women spend a great deal of time complimenting and commenting on one another's physical appearance.

In general, I hear mostly positive comments, since they are the kinds of comments typically said aloud, but if the statistics listed below are accurate, the underlying, internal dialogue is horrifying. 

Say it ain't so.  

More importantly, if these statistics are accurate, what can I do to spare my daughter from a lifetime of image obsession? 

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Eight in ten women admitted they judged other women when they met them for the first time.
54 percent said they first look at the size of a woman's waist, and 45 percent said they check whether they wore too much make-up.
Four in ten women analyze their fashion sense, and the same number look at their hair.  A third look at the quality of their skin, while 28 percent see if they have overdone it with the fake tan.
One in six size women up the man a woman is with, one in five take note of how short a rival's skirt is, while the same number look for tattoos. Other criteria they used to appraise a woman included her shoes, bosom, and how nice her nails were.
The majority (56 percent) said it took them just 20 seconds before passing judgment on someone.
Nine in ten said they were fully aware other women were also judging them.

________________________________________

After reading the statistics again, I can't help but think that being a woman is like living inside Shark Week, except it's not confined to television and doesn't end on Sunday. 

Some please ease my concern. 

The Star Wars theme song. Sung. In French. And thats not actually the most frightening part.

There is no better argument in favor of editors, the editorial process and barriers to publication than this: 

Cat allowed. Daddy not.

I took these photos of my daughter from a hiding place in the kitchen.  I watched her for about five minutes before she finally noticed me and told me to go away.     

I just love the idea of my little girl reading on her own, even if she's just reciting the books that she has memorized or calling out the individual letters that she knows.

Well, she's sort of reading on her own. 

As you can see, her new kitty is listening attentively and hanging on her every word. 

   

My simple but effective solution to the idiots who text in the movie theater

The Star Telegram reports that 220 pound Dale Fout, who describes himself as "a pretty big guy, broad, not fat", is suing 132 pound Brenda Godwin after she assaulted him for texting during a movie in a local theater. 

Mr. Fout states::

"I got a text, and I responded to it because it was something important. It was something that was on a deadline situation, OK. I held it against my chest purposely where I could barely see it. ... I could text but hide the majority of the light coming from the phone.

She said something. I couldn't make it out. That's why I turned. She was probably saying something like, 'Get off your phone.' I turned, and she pushed. She just happened to push my neck at the time my neck was in an awkward position. Kinda like having a little fender bender, and you get a little whiplash in your neck, you know."

According to Godwin, she reached over and tapped him on the shoulder to get his attention.

The police stated that they remain neutral in these situations but added that "assault by contact is usually not something like this. It's usually a shove."

There are lots of things wrong here. 

First, Fout's first two sentences:

"I got a text, and I responded to it because it was something important. It was something that was on a deadline situation, OK."

No Dale, not okay.  If you are on a deadline, don't go to the theater. 

YOU ARE NOT PERMITTED TO TEXT DURING A MOVIE. 

You are told so prior to the movie.  I don't care how close you held the phone to your chest. 

YOU ARE NOT ALLOWED TO TEXT DURING A MOVIE.

If you're on a deadline, stay home or set your goddamn phone to vibrate.  When you feel the vibration, get up and leave the theater.  Then text. 

YOU ARE NOT ALLOWED TO TEXT DURING A MOVIE.

I also have a problem with a grown man suing a woman half his size for an assault which took place from a sitting position when, by his own admission, it did not include the punch or slap that he most certainly deserved.

A shove, Dale?  From one bolted-down theater seat to another?

Have you forgotten what it is to be a man?

Texting in movie theaters has become an conundrum for me as well.  When people choose to talk in theaters, either on the phone or to one another, I always go on the offensive to stop them.  Standing up, I point myself in the direction of the offenders and let them have it, secure in the knowledge that the voices that I am hearing are surely being heard by others, and therefore I am doing everyone a favor by silencing them despite my temporary disruption.

I received a round of applause once for letting two women in the back row have it. 

But texting is new and challenging for me.  Yes, the glow of the goddamn cellphone is disturbing me, but it might only be disturbing me.  The phone might be angled in such a way that only I can see it.  If I were to rise and verbally assault the offender, as I have done in the past, I might be creating an even larger disruption that the rest of the theater does not need or want. 

And the glow of a cellphone can reach far and wide, so in order to stop these idiots like Dale from disturbing the movie, I might have to talk over two or three rows of people just to get the offenders attention. 

It's a real problem.  I'm still not sure what to do in these case.  But I have a solution. 

I would like movie theaters to run a new "No texting" request prior to the movie.  It would require the assistance of a well-known, well-respected, utterly unimpeachable actor. 

I choose Matt Damon, but others will do as well. 

Damon comes on the screen and says the following:

Hi, I'm Matt Damon.  Thanks for coming to the movies today.  Listen folks, don't turn on your cellphone until the movie is over.  No talking, no texting, no checking IMDB halfway through the film to see what other movie you saw that guy in.  None of that nonsense.  Okay?

And listen, if you do turn on your cellphone to talk or text, I am charging the rest of the theater audience, all of you decent, sane, reasonable people who would never be so stupid as to start texting or talking during a movie, to immediately put a stop to it.  Call that loser out.  Tell them to put the damn phone away.  Shame the jackass into doing the right thing.  And rest assured in the knowledge that you will be supported by the rest of your theater going brethren. 

Right everybody?

The people who make these movies have worked too hard to have their labors spoiled by some dumbass who can't wait to text, and you have spent too much money to see this movie to let some dumbass spoil your enjoyment with his or her cellphone. 

Sometimes it's easier to take a stand when you are given permission to and when you are guaranteed support.  I hereby give you permission, and your fellow audience members are now charged with instantly supporting you.

Go ahead dimwit.  I dare you to text or talk now.   

Enjoy the movie, folks.

My friends think I'm crazy, but I honestly believe that a message like this, delivered by an actor like Damon, would solve almost all our talking and texting problems. 

Admittedly, it probably would not have deterred Dale, but no solution is ever 100% effective.   

Any man who is willing to sue a woman for a tap or even a shove in a movie theater after being stupid enough to text is beyond help.

In Dale's case, the woman should have clobbered him.

And I think Matt Damon would agree.

Three simple rules to guarantee a successful wedding

There are many ways to ensure success or disaster at your wedding. 

After fifteen years of working as a wedding DJ and minister and hundreds of weddings under my belt, I have seen them all.

Perhaps I'll write a book about it someday.  Oh the stories that I could tell…

Last night's wedding was an enormous success and a great deal of fun, and so I thought I'd share three rules that the bride and groom followed to ensure that their day went off without a hitch.

_______________________________________

1.  Give yourself enough time to enjoy your wedding.  For yesterday's couple, this meant a 2:00 PM ceremony and a 5:00 PM reception, giving them plenty of time for a relaxed, stress-free photo session in between ceremony and reception.  It also allowed them the unusual pleasure of joining their guests for the cocktail hour, which every bride and groom secretly craves but rarely gets. 

Yes, this means that your guests will have to find a way to fill two unscheduled hours in the afternoon.

And yes, it will probably put some parent's knickers in a bunch, as they tend to be more concerned about the opinions of friends and family when it comes to the wedding than that of their children (What will Aunt Myrtle think?). 

Too bad. 

Most people can fill the unscheduled time without much trouble, and it's a small price to pay to ensure that one of the most important days of your life is relaxing and fun. 

Last night's couple also booked a six hour reception, which I think is always a good idea.  Though the five hour reception is considerably more common, it can often feel rushed, especially if there has been an unexpected delay somewhere in the day (which is not uncommon).  And it's always easier to end a wedding 30 minutes early if the bride and groom are getting tired rather than scrambling to extend a wedding an extra hour when you are supposed to be focused on celebrating. 

You've spent a year or more and untold amounts of money on the wedding.  Give yourself an extra hour to enjoy it.  

_______________________________________

2.  Spend time together.  I know this seems obvious, but I have seen many, many couples spend the majority of their weddings apart from one another.  The most common scenario places the bride on the dance floor, dancing the night away, while the groom is hanging out on the patio or leaning against the bar, chatting with friends, but the variations of and blame for these situations are unending.  I advise couples to spend as much time together as possible during their reception, and at some point, step away from the celebration and spend a few moments alone, watching friends and family celebrate from afar.  Elysha and I did this at our wedding, and it remains one of our favorite moments from the day. 

Last night's couple understood this rule well.  They spent almost every moment of their wedding side by side, holding hands, kissing and laughing together.     

_______________________________________   

3.  Smile.  Some couples smile their way through their wedding and others worry their way through.  I like to tell couples to do all the worrying before the wedding day, and then trust the professionals who you have hired to execute your plan. 

If you spend your wedding day following-up on your vendors and worrying about what happens next, your will have spent your wedding day working and not celebrating. 

Hire people you trust, and then trust them to do their jobs so you can smile your day away.

Last night's couple never stopped smiling.

Overkill. Literally.

Killing your wife is a terrible, heinous, immoral act, even if she has been nagging you for years. 

But it takes an especially evil man to build an electric chair in order to kill his wife. 

What was this guy thinking?

Did he think the electric chair wouldn't be noticed by the police?

Was he going to tell authorities that she had accidentally jammed a fork in an outlet?

Had Mr. Castle conducted his own private trial, found her guilty and sentenced her to death?

Thankfully, his wife didn't fall for his electric chair bit and managed to escape. 

It probably looked too much like an electric chair.  

And then, as if to guarantee the bizarre nature of the story, Mr. Castle attempted suicide by cutting his wrists open with a knife when he had a perfectly good electric chair available. 

Poor planning and not so great under pressure.  Not exactly the qualities you look for in an effective killer.