Matthew Dicks's Blog, page 534

Old people are hilarious.

A couple who have been together for 72 years gives their grandson five keys to a successful relationship.

Hilarity ensues.

One-handed typing made possible

A couple days ago, I posted photos of my newborn son holding my hand and thus forcing me into typing one handed.

It turns out that there is a  company that provides software to teach people to type with one hand.

I’ve started to use their free trial, and other than the incredibly annoying music that accompanies the program, it appears that a commitment to the instruction and practice that the program prescribes would eventually turn me into a fairly competent one-handed typist.

I just don’t think that my son is going to want to hold my hand often enough to warrant this kind of commitment.

I like myself a lot, but if given the choice, I might choose to be Jimmy Fallon instead.

When my wife told me that she has been watching this video three times a day, I was a little concerned.

Then I watched it and understood completely.

“Luke, I am your father.”

The book, DARTH VADER AND SON, was a fine Father’s Day gift in its own right.

But this made it the best gift ever:

Be the firework

I have a friend whose funeral plans involve floating her corpse in a boat into Long Island Sound while her friends and family gather on the shore. Once the boat is at a safe distance, it will be detonated as John Lennon’s “Imagine” serenades the bereaved.  

Best of all, I have been given permission to press the button that will set off the explosion.

I have tried to convince my friend to have her body cremated first, lest portions of her body come splashing back down into the ocean like the pieces of shark that come crashing down around Roy Scheider in Jaws, but so far, she has balked.

For people like my friend who desire an explosive ending to their life, I may have found an alternative to dynamite and a rowboat. For $4000, a company called Angel’s Flight will build 210 rockets from the ashes of the deceased and facilitate a funeral firework display in your backyard.

For an extra $1000, family and friends can watch the fireworks display from a yacht.

Despite the 1998 aesthetics of Angel’s Flight’s website, this option appeals a great deal to me as well.

Currently, my funeral plans (if I were to ever die, which is obviously never going to happen) would be for my body to be cremated and my ashes spread on Yawgoog Pond at Camp Yawgoog, the Boy Scout camp where I spent much of my childhood.

But instead of simply spreading the ashes on the water, perhaps a more fitting end would be to explode my ashes over the pond in a brilliant pyrotechnic display.

The Boy Scouts would most assuredly enjoy the display, even if it means they’d be swimming in my remains the following day.

Lord Matthew J. Dicks

It should be hereby known, with all sincerity, what I am now a Lord of the Principality of Sealand and can be referred to as such if you would like.

Lord Matthew J. Dicks of the Principality of Sealand

I won’t require anyone to refer to me by my title (nor will I stop you from choosing to do so), just like I do not require people to refer to me as Reverend Matthew Dicks, even though I was ordained by the Universal Life Church more than a decade ago and have been operating in the capacity of a religious leader ever since.

To insist upon the use of any title would be terribly pretentious, even though Lord and Reverend Matthew J. Dicks does have a nice ring to it.

Actually, I think I’m going to require my editor to refer to me Lord Matthew J. Dicks. That should be amusing.

It should also be known that although I spent the money to grant me an actual Lordship of this independent nation, I did not pay for my wife to become a Lady, mostly because she thought that my Lordship was a waste of money.

She can’t understand how much joy I have already derived from this turn of events. I promise you that this Lordship was worth every penny.

So while I shall forever be known as Lord Matthew J. Dicks, my wife remains a commoner without a title. Quite gracious of me to extend my hand in marriage to someone so beneath my station. Wouldn’t you say?

Regardless of our marriage, please do not apply the title of Lady to my wife unless she changes her mind and forks over the thirty bucks.

Stupidest name ever

The recorder is by far the stupidest name ever given to any musical instrument.

I don’t care if it was (which it was). It’s still a stupid name, and it could have been changed somewhere along the way.

Grip

My son’s strong grip required me to type with one hand, which slowed the writing process considerably, but it was well worth it.

 

I want a standing desk, but I’d settle for the the most amazing desk in the history of human civilization as well.

If you’re looking to surprise me with a Father’s Day present, I have wanted a standing desk for a long time.

This one in particular would be excellent.

The reason I don’t own a standing desk already is that I’m afraid to buy one. I think I’d like to use a standing desk, but I’m not sure. There’s a chance that it might end up as a piece of extraneous furniture in the corner of the room that my daughter eventually turns into a high rise apartment building for her collection of little people, unicorns and dinosaurs.

This is why a standing desk would make the perfect gift. I would risk nothing, and the potential reward would be great.

Of course, if you really want to impress me, might I suggest gifting me the most amazing desk of all time:

This incredible desk was created by the Dublin ad agency Boys and Girls for their own entryway reception area. After a magazine described their office’s reception area as “small and routine,” Boys and Girls decided to design something a little more fitting for their creative agency, hence the idea for a balloon desk was born. After doing some serious scientific research, the agency teamed up with Twisted Image to start production this past February. Twisted Image created permanent hot air balloons(!!!) that would be strong enough to carry the weight of the desk. By using a rubber composite that would never degrade, they were able to fill the balloons with enough helium/hydrogen hybrid gas to float the desk indefinitely. The ribbons were reinforced with carbo-titanium, and an aerospace-grade titanium cleat was used to attach the strings to the desk. As if that half of the desk wasn’t cool enough, Boys and Girls constructed giant Jenga blocks to act as the other side of the desk.

I can play favorites with my children but not my books

Yesterday a reader in Australia who has now read all three of my novels asked which is my favorite. It’s a question that I’ve heard authors asked many times before, and I’ve heard many of them give an answer.

I don’t know how they do it.

Choosing between the three books that I have published so far (and even my unpublished manuscript) would be like choosing one of my children as my favorite.

Right now my favorite child is Clara, of course, but that’s because she’s three years old and plays with me. The only thing my two week old son wants is his mother, so while I’d defend him from a bear attack if necessary, I’d do it with grudging annoyance and a bitter heart.

By contrast, I’d defend Clara with a clear mind and an open heart.

But that will change. Eventually Charlie will do something other than sleep and eat, and when he does, choosing my favorite child will become impossible, as it is for choosing a favorite amongst my books.

Each one means so much to me.

SOMETHING MISSING will always remain special to me because it was the book that launched my publishing career. It was the manuscript that my agent plucked from the slush pile and changed my life forever. It was the book that helped us buy our first home. Most important, of all the characters who I have ever written, Martin remains the most real to me. He is the protagonist who my wife and I still speak of as if he were a real person. Though my interest in writing a sequel to any of my books does not interest me at this time, writing a sequel to SOMETHING MISSING would probably be easiest because Martin continues to live inside me like no other character I have ever written.

UNEXPECTEDLY, MILO is the book that explores themes that are most closely connected to me. I have always been interested in the idea that we encourage children at an early age to avoid peer pressure, be themselves, blaze new trails, and not worry about what others may think of them, but when these children continue to follow this advice as adults, they are often punished by society for being different. UNEXPECTEDLY, MILO is a book about a man who must hide his differences from the world lest he be expunged from it. It is also a book about a man’s search for someone willing to accept him for who he is. I am not Milo, but a great deal of Milo lives inside me, making this book near and dear to my heart. It was also the book that allowed my wife to stay home with our daughter for the first two years of her life, and that alone makes the book a treasure to me.

My upcoming novel, MEMOIRS OF AN IMAGINARY FRIEND, is the book I had the best time writing. Creating the world of imaginary friends was incredibly fun, and I suspect that I tapped into more of my imagination while writing this book than any of my previous stories. The book also reflects many of the existential issues that I deal with on a daily basis, and the fact that one of my closest friends and colleagues exists within the story as herself makes this book especially real to me. MEMOIRS is also written in the first person and not entirely grounded in reality, making it very different than anything I had ever written before. It was the book that taught me that I can be successful trying new things. It has also sold in thirteen foreign markets in addition to the US, making it my most financially successful book so far, and it will allow my wife to stay home for the first two years of our son’s life.    

As you can see, choosing between these three books would be impossible. Perhaps someday I will write a masterpiece that I can declare my favorite.

More likely, I will write a clunker that I can exclude from my list of favorites.