Matthew Dicks's Blog, page 477

Stupid people are still dangerous.

In my experience, this may be true, but it doesn’t mean that you are safe. They will still attempt to destroy you.

The $91,500 shirt is actually quite useful

The good folks at Hermès have created a black men’s crocodile top that retails for $91,500.

This may seem excessive, but I actually think the shirt is quite useful, for a few reasons:

It instantly identifies a company that I will avoid doing business with for the rest of my life.
It serves as the ultimate douchebag detector.
It provides further evidence that exceedingly ugly things that cost an exceedingly large amount of money will be purchased by exceedingly materialistic people who desire exceedingly expensive status symbols.

It’s disgusting either way, but which is worse?

This photo was taken by author and photographer Deborah Copaken Kogan in Claire’s, an accessory store found in malls across America.

Which is worse? The company that sells a product as vile as this or the person who purchases it for his or her daughter?

I’m honestly not sure.

Do you want Kate Middleton’s nose?

TIME reports:

Among the many things that women envy Kate Middleton for are her style, her poise and her husband.  It may be time to add one more thing to that list: her nose.

According to the New York Daily News, young women in New York and Long Island are flocking to the plastic surgeon’s office like it’s a spring sale at Barneys to get the Duchess of Cambridge’s sniffer.

I hope that this story is hyperbole on all counts.

I hope that women aren’t actually envious over Kate Middleton’s style, poise, nose and especially her husband, particularly if they have a husband of their own already. 

Most importantly, I hope that women find the title (What New York Women Want: Kate Middleton’s Nose) and the first sentence of this piece as offensive and demeaning as I do.

I happen to know a number of women living and working in New York, and I can’t imagine any of them expressing envy over the shape of Kate Middleton’s nose or anyone else’s nose.

My hope is that TIME has based this story (and its hyperbolic assumptions) upon an infinitesimally small group of horrible, superficial, low-esteem women and that the use of the word “flocking” does not imply a number large enough to constitute an actual flock. 

James Bengiovanni: Our first storyteller

With just six weeks to go before our inaugural Speak Up storytelling event, we will begin introducing you to the seven storytellers scheduled to entertain you that evening, in the order that they will appear.

One storyteller each week until the big night on May 4 at Real Art Ways in Hartford, Connecticut. 

Leading off that evening will be my best friend for the past 27 years and my DJ partner for the past 16 years. He was my best man in 2006 and delivered a toast that people still talk about today.

He’s sure to start us off with a bang. _____________________________    

James Bengiovanni

James ‘Bengi’ Bengiovanni is a man of few talents.

As a child, he nearly learned how to swim. Later as an adult, he almost found an agent for his novel. Most recently, you can find Bengi not on Facebook or Twitter.

Somehow Bengi was named the 2013 Hartford Magnet Trinity College Academy Teacher of the Year. By default, he has also been the reigning A-Mattzing Race Champion for the past five years.

The father of three, he started running with his eldest daughter three years ago and will be running his first full marathon in Hartford this year.

Even though he acknowledges that Speak Up is not competitive storytelling, he has guaranteed victory.

Was the destruction of the Death Star an inside job? Also, how did Luke Skywalker dodge the stigma of incest so easily?

If you haven’t seen the recent conspiracy video suggesting that the destruction of the first Death Star was an inside job perpetrated by the Empire, you should.

 

The video also got me thinking:

Luke Skywalker is one unlucky son-of-a-bitch.

In the span of just a couple years, his father tried to kill him multiple times and he fell in love with his own sister.

And I don’t care if he didn’t know that Leia was his sister. He still thought that she was hot. He still put a move on her. They still kissed. 

How did he manage to dodge the stigma of that so easily?

If I were Han Solo (and I like to think I am), I would’ve never let him live it down.

 

WWMD (or maybe WWMDD)

A friend recently employed the following strategy when she found herself looking for a solution to a problem:

WWMD: What Would Matt Do?

And it worked. She asked herself what I would do, and almost immediately, a solution was found. 

I was thrilled. I told her I wanted to make WWMD a thing. A viral sensation. A new decision-making stratagem.

She agreed.

There’s a possibility that she wasn’t being entirely sincere.

Still, it worked for her, so perhaps it could be the next big paradigm in business and life management 

Maybe I could launch a podcast where listeners could ask, “What would Matt do?” and I would respond accordingly.

We could be onto something.

I say “we” in hopes that you are as excited about this as I am. Or perhaps in hopes that using the word “we” will trick you into being as excited about this as I am.

Either one is fine.

But which is better?

What Would Matt Do? (WWMD) or What Would Matthew Dicks Do? (WWMDD)?

Thoughts?

Oh, and if you’d like to pose a question, go right ahead. No need to wait for the podcast and possible network television show. I’m here, waiting.

The Matthew Dicks Rule of Thank You Notes

Inspired by a pair of insipid aunts in Will Schwalbe’s memoir THE END OF YOUR LIFE BOOK CLUB, I offer this bit of indisputably accurate wisdom regarding gift giving and thank you notes: 

There is nothing wrong with being disappointed when someone fails to send you a thank you card for a gift that you sent.

I find the requirement a little tedious and arcane when a verbal thank you has already been expressed upon receipt of the gift, but some people think a more formal act of appreciation is important and appropriate.

I think these people are slightly insane, but so be it.

But the important thing to remember is that there is something very wrong with telling other people about a person’s failure to send a thank you note. When you tell a parent, relative, coworker or friend about someone’s failure to send you a thank you note for a wedding or birthday gift, you become exponentially worse than the person who didn’t send the thank you card.

You become a vile and disgusting person. 

That’s my rule.

In the world of gambling, this is what’s known as a parlay.

Clara: Mom, can I try one of those pieces of rock candy? I’ve never had rock candy before.

Elysha: If you’re a good girl, you can try a piece tomorrow.

Clara: I am already a good girl. Maybe I’ll try a new food tomorrow.

Elysha: Great. If you try a new food tomorrow, you can have a piece of rock candy.

Clara: Mom, I never tried rock candy before. It’s a new food. If I try rock candy tomorrow, can I get a new toy?

Little girl illogic

Me: That’s a cute bunny!

Clara: It’s not a bunny. It’s a rabbit!

Me: Isn’t a bunny and a rabbit the same thing?

Clara: Dad! No! Stop joking!

Me: (suitably chastened) Okay, okay.

Clara: (holding the stuffed animal to my face) This is a rabbit. Do you know what her name is?

Me: No. What?

Clara: Bunny.