Matthew Dicks's Blog, page 455

Why am I willing to look less presentable than my female counterparts?

All may be true, or none may be true. You tell me.

I have worn the grubbiest of clothes for Skype chats with book clubs, whereas my female author friends, based upon a sample of recent tweets and Facebook posts, would never think of doing such a thing.

Is it because I am a man and will therefore be excused of my wardrobe indiscretions more easily?

Or is it because I am a man and am less concerned (rightfully or otherwise)about my appearance than the average woman?

Or is it because I’m just an idiot who should make more of an effort to appear presentable?

Or am I simply assuming far too much based upon an admittedly tiny small sample size?

I’m honestly not sure which is the case, but my gut tells me that if my hair was a mess or I was wearing pajamas during a Skype chat, I would be excused as quirky, amusing or typically male, whereas if my female counterpart did the same, an entirely different set of labels would be assigned.

Thoughts?

Are the machine guns really necessary?

My son was sitting in the waiting room at the doctor’s office, playing with this tow truck. It looked cute, with large eyes in the windshield and a smile on the bumper.

 

Then he pressed down on the roof of the cap, and out popped a twin pair of machine guns from the sides.

Still the inquisitive, anthropomorphized eyes. Still the smiling, anthropomorphized bumper. Just some added fire power in the event that a disabled motorist refuses to pay for services rendered.

 

I’m not entirely opposed to toys like this. Your average Star Wars spaceship or action figure will undoubtedly be equipped with weapons of some kind, as will any number of similar toys. I’m fine with that.

But were machine guns really needed on this smiling, happy, anthropomorphized tow truck?

Kissing a hippo

The Metropolitan Museum of Art’s mascot is William the hippopotamus.

My son loves William. He kisses him all the time.

ALL THE TIME.

He’s also more than willing to chuck him to the pavement as well, as he does here. It’s a complex relationship, I guess.

Quarter-Life Crisis?

Is she for real?

No one gets to claim a quarter-life crisis. There’s no such thing. The self absorption required to complain that your twenties aren’t what you envisioned them to be is astounding.

When did this vision even take take place? After the prom? During freshman bio class? Did she really expect her teenage visions of her twenties to hold up?

And enough about the marriage/house/children nonsense. No one should get married before they’re thirty. The incessant need to match your friend’s marital, occupational and parental status generates more unhappiness in the world than can possibly be imagined.

Who gives a damn if your sister was married and owned a house when she was 25? Are you an individual or a sheep? Live your own freakin’ life.

Here is a brief, chronological summation of my twenties:

Employed as a McDonald’s manager
Arrested for a crime I did not commit
Fired from my job as McDonald’s manager
Homeless
Taken in by a family of Jehovah’s Witnesses
Employed as bank teller and McDonald’s manager
Worked 90 hours a week for two years to pay attorney
Robbed, tortured and beaten at gunpoint
Post traumatic stress disorder that lasts 15 years
Tried and acquitted for a crime I did not commit
Moved to Connecticut
Employed as a legal copy services delivery boy
Employed as a bank teller
Married my future ex-wife
Employed as McDonald’s manager
Attended Manchester Community College while working full time
Attended Trinity College while working more than fulltime
Graduated 
Hired as an elementary school teacher

Not exactly what I envisioned, either. Certainly not ideal. But I suspect that a lot of people would have lists like this.

Perhaps not as fraught for violence and legal challenges, but an interesting list nonetheless.

But at no point did I wonder if I was suffering from a quarter-life crisis.

Admirable ignorance

When my wife arrived at the dentist office yesterday afternoon, the hygienist said, “Did you hear? It’s a boy!”

She had no idea who or what the woman was talking about.

I love her so much.

In fact, I’m adding this to my next list of 99 reasons that I love Elysha Dicks.

Want to tell a story at the next Speak Up?

We have some exciting news for you in regards to our upcoming Speak Up storytelling events.

First, in case you haven’t marked your calendars, our next two events will take place on Saturday, September 28 and Saturday, November 9 at Real Art Ways in Hartford, Connecticut. Both events begin at 7:00 PM.

The format for the upcoming events consists of 8 storytellers who will each have up to 8 minutes to tell their stories on an assigned theme.

The theme for the upcoming shows are as follows:

The them of the September 28 event is Schooled: Lessons Taught and Lessons Learned.

The theme for the November 9 event is Holidays and Celebrations.

Both events will be curated, meaning that we will be choosing storytellers who we believe are especially suited for each of these events, but we are looking to expand beyond our own circle of storytellers and invite newcomers to the stage for these events as well.

Here’s how it works:

For the next two Speak Up events, we hope to invite 2-4 newcomers to the stage to tell a story. If you would like to be one of these people, you need to send us an email describing the story you would like to tell. Tell us as much about the story as you’d like, but the more information we have, the easier it will be for us to make a decision.

If you have public speaking experience or any other qualities that make you an excellent choice for a Speak Up event, please include this information as well. We are anticipating a large response based upon feedback that we have received so far, so sell your story and yourself to us. Don’t be afraid to brag a bit. 

Please include a telephone number along with the description of your story as well. After we review all of the submissions, we will call back a handful of potential storytellers to discuss your story and ask any questions that we still have before making our final decision.

All we ask fro you is a couple things:

If your not chosen for either of the two next events, please don’t give up. Pitch us a story again for a future event. We may simply not have room for the response that we receive. 

Please don’t be mean, rude or cruel to us if you are not chosen for an upcoming event. We have always envisioned Speak Up as a curated show made up of a combination of handpicked storytellers and new voices, but our ultimate goal is to ensure an entertaining night for our audience. Our decisions in terms if who will perform will be made with the audience in mind at all times. We are also not perfect. We may pass over the greatest storyteller of all time. Please excuse our imperfection. 

If you wish to submit your story for consideration, send an email to speakupstory@gmail.com.

The deadline for the September show is Saturday, August 24.

The deadline for the November show is Saturday, October 5.

We look forward to hearing about your stories and seeing you at our upcoming events!

Loves him some Pat the Bunny

His sister loved Pat the Bunny when she was a little girl, but it’s entirely possible that my son loves the book a bit more.

My favorite part of this video is when he smells the flowers. I had no idea that he even understood how his nose worked, let alone understanding the purpose of that page.

But there he is, sniffing the artificial fragrance that’s been chemically embedded on the page through some unknown industrial process.

That makes it sound a little less sweet, but only by a little.

Watch this instead. Please. You’ll be so happy that you did.

I took a lot of flack (and quite a bit of praise) for my position on the attention given to the royal baby.

My position is essentially this:

Shut up. It’s a freakin’ prince in a twenty-first century monarchy that shouldn’t exist. Thanks to this child’s genetic background and his ancestors’ ability to maintain power through military force, he has been born into greater unearned privilege than anyone could possibly imagine. Look away, damn it. Give your attention over to something more meaningful. Something earned.

It’s not exactly a nuanced position.

It also opens me up to attack in terms of some of my own interests and hobbies. I readily accept those criticisms, acknowledge the potential ludicrousness of some of my interests, and most important, have not responded to these attacks as if someone has eaten my firstborn child while giving me wedgie, as many have responded to me.

There are differences between supporting the National Football League and supporting the British royal family, and I don’t believe they are entirely comparable, but I won’t get into that now. 

But for those of you who have argued that the birth of the prince has been a means of escaping some of the more unfortunate news of the day and has afforded you the opportunity to revel in something slightly more joyous (the most common refrain to my position), I offer you this:  

While I’m sure the future king is cute as a button, here are some equally adorable children who are doing amazing things with a bit less privilege than the future king will enjoy.

This is something truly worth your attention: 

Which of these 6 things would you change about your spouse?

Carolyn Bucior writes about a newly released 60 Minutes/Vanity Fair telephone poll of 1,186 U.S. adults that identifies temper is the primary trait many American women would like to change about their spouse or significant other.

When women in the 60 Minutes/Vanity Fair poll were given a choice of six things to change about their man, 29 percent picked his temper, beating out changing his friends (11 percent), his mother (9 percent), his sense of humor (8 percent), his physique (7 percent), and his hygiene (2 percent).

I was surprised by this result. I can’t remember the last time I saw a man lose his temper around his family, but then again, these things probably happen behind closed doors.

I’m not sure what Elysha would choose to change about me if she could. I’d like to think that she would change nothing, but that seems a little unrealistic.

I’m not exactly perfect. 

But I also suspect that she wouldn’t choose anything off this list. I have many shortcomings (22 at last count), but none of these, I think.

Perhaps she’d change my belief that dishes dry just as well in the cupboard as they do in the drying rack.  

Bucior goes on to say:

Amazingly, 30 percent said they would not change any of those things. As this was a telephone poll, I imagine these women were standing beside their husbands when they answered.

I thought this was cynical at best and at worst a a rotten and naïve thing to say. Is it so hard to believe that there are women (or men) who are more than happy with their spouse when it comes to the six categories listed in the survey?

I know I am.

Bucior’s statement is probably more of a reflection of her unfunny, unhygienic, nonathletic husband and his pack of loser friends than anything else.

Future ethicist? Attorney? Negotiator? Either way, it’s trouble for me.

Me: You need to start cleaning up your toys by yourself.

Clara: But Dad, at school, we all work together to clean up our mess. Things always go better when you work together.

Me: Yes, Clara, but this isn’t my mess. You made it.

Clara: But Dad. At school we help clean up even if we didn’t make the mess. That’s what good friends do.

I’m doomed.