Matthew Dicks's Blog, page 368

November 27, 2014

Canned, jellied cranberry sauce will not go the way of the dodo (or the Twinkie) if I have anything to say about it.

For the lovers of canned, jellied cranberry sauce, here’s some terrifying news:


It would appear that this Thanksgiving Day staple is on the decline. When I went to the grocery store yesterday to pick up several cans of the stuff, I found it relegated to a two foot section of bottom shelf space in the baking aisle.


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And half of those three feet were occupied by the ugly stepchild of jellied cranberry sauce:


Whole berry cranberry sauce in a can.


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In addition, there was only one brand from which to choose, and only 12 cans in all. And before you propose that the limited quantity had something to do with Thanksgiving Day approaching, the entire area of shelf space afforded to canned, jellied cranberry sauce was filled.


There was only room enough for about 12 cans.


Whatever evil at work here must be stopped.


I have since learned that canned, jellied cranberry sauce is much more popular than I ever imagined. I apparently travel in foodie circles who view almost anything from a can as dog food. The typical cranberry sauce that I see is a homemade variety made from organically grown and personally harvested cranberries, mixed in with nuts, seeds, and other ingredients that have no business standing alongside cranberries.


I only pray that canned, jellied cranberry sauce is not like the Twinkie:


Universally beloved but rarely purchased.


A world without canned, jellied cranberry sauce would be too much to bear. 


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Published on November 27, 2014 04:48

18 reasons for me to be thankful on Thanksgiving 2014

1. My children, who are my greatest blessing in life. I find joy in everything that they do. Many people warned me about how difficult parenting would be. They were wrong.


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2. My wife, the ideal mother and best wife. I married the pretty girl and the smart girl, and I still can’t quite believe it.


3. In these not-so-easy economic times, I am thankful to still find myself with the means of providing for my family.


I’m in my sixteenth year of teaching and love it today as much as I did when I began so long ago.


My DJ company remains successful after 19 years in business.


My writing career continues to prosper. My fourth novel will publish in November of 2015. My fifth is nearly complete, and I’ve also completed a memoir about a season of golf and an essay collection based upon my Moth stories. I also have a on-the-side novel that I am pecking away at that I like a lot, and a couple other writing projects, including a screenplay and two musicals.


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I’m also fortunate enough to be paid for tutoring gigs, speaking gigs. and a variety of other side jobs. Finding work is not been a problem for me, and I know how fortunate I am for this.


4. I am thankful for The Moth, the storytelling organization that allows me to take a stage and tell stories. Since I began telling stories in 2011, I’ve competed in 26 StorySLAMs, 8 GrandSLAMs and two Mainstage shows. My stories have appeared on The Moth’s Radio Hour and their weekly podcast, and I’ve been fortunate enough to win 15 StorySLAM competitions so far.


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This success has opened doors to storytelling opportunities with organizations like The Story Collider, Literary Death Match, The Liar Show, TED, The Mouth and more. The Moth made me a storyteller.


5. I’m grateful to the supportive and enthusiastic audiences who have made Speak Up possible. I first proposed Speak Up about four years ago in an effort to avoid trying my hand at The Moth, and when we finally launched it in 2013, I thought that we might get 30-40 people per show.


We have since sold out every show and now have partnerships with outside venues and schools to bring Speak Up to them. None of this would be possible if not for our audience, who fills our theater and welcomes our storytellers with rapt attention and enormous support.


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6. I am thankful for my friends, a collection of honest, direct, intelligent, successful people who miraculously accept me for who I am and stand by me in times of trouble. Many are like family to me.


7. I am thankful for the Patriots, who are playing well and giving me reason to cheer on Sundays.


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8. I am thankful for my students, both past and present, for making every day an adventure. It has been such an honor to get to know them like I do.


9. I am thankful for canned, jellied cranberry sauce. We should eat much more of this throughout the year.


10. I am thankful for Bluetooth headphones and the limitless supply of podcasts and music that pour forth from them on a daily basis.


11. I am thankful for pickup basketball and the occasional collisions in flag football. I’d be thankful for tackle football if I could find someone to play with me.


12. I am thankful for Kaleigh, a dog who can admittedly annoy us to no end but is the only other living being willing to climb out of bed at 4:00 AM with me and head downstairs to work. Almost every sentence that I compose is written with Kaleigh underfoot.


13. I’m thankful for Owen, our twenty pound bulimic house cat who wakes us in the middle of the night and bites us from time to time but accepts all of our children’s poking and prodding and full-body hugs with patience and love.


14. I’m thankful for our many babysitters, and especially Allison, who take such amazing care of our children when we are gallivanting about.


15. I’m thankful for my literary agent, my film agent, my editor, the booksellers of the world and all the other bookish and entertainment professionals who make my sentences sound gooder and help my stories find their way into readers’ hands.


16. I’m thankful for golf. Oh so thankful for golf.


17. I’m thankful for my family. A father who I am finally beginning to know. A brother who is back in my life after many years apart. A sister who should be writing more. Aunts and uncles, nieces and nephews and cousins who my children are getting to know. And my wife’s family, who have taken me in and made me feel like a part of their family.


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18. I am grateful for possibility.


Perhaps I will always be a slightly-less-than-midlist author who publishes a novel every year or two, and if that is the case, I will be a happy man.


I am doing what I love.


I have often said that I would like to someday write for a living and teach for pleasure, and while I am certainly not ready or able to give up my teaching salary, I am closer to this dream than I ever thought imaginable.


Really, really far away, too, but still closer than I ever thought possible.


But with every book comes the possibility for greater success. A larger readership. An opportunity for more prolific career. The dream of a best seller.


In short, possibility.


In addition, all three of my books have been optioned for film or television.  This does not mean that anything will ever happen with any of them, but once again, it represents possibility.


Then there is a memoir, a book of essays, a rock opera, a tween musical, a screenplay, my speaking and storytelling career, and more.


My life is filled with many unlikely ways to make my fortune. Retire young. Travel the world. Give my family everything they want.


None of this will probably never happen, and that is okay. I love my job and my students, and I feel incredibly lucky about the life I lead.


But I feel blessed with the ability to genuinely hope for so much more when so many cannot.

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Published on November 27, 2014 04:18

November 26, 2014

The MRI boutique: My next great business idea. Who wants to be my first investor?

New business idea:


A shop where you can get an MRI scan at any time.


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I’ve written before about the frequency in which people seem to go to the doctor for a small problem, only to discover a life threatening problem in the nick of time.


One of the classic examples:


A spectator is hit in the head with a golf ball at a PGA event, and during his examination by paramedics, a lump in his throat is found which turns out to be thyroid cancer. The man has no idea that he even had a lump in his throat, and as a result, it is likely that the cancer would have spread before he even knew that there was something wrong.

This really happened.

As a person who fears death (and you should to), the idea that I could have something growing in me that will ultimately kill me with no means of detecting it unless I’m hot by a bus and stricken with pneumonia bothers me a great deal.

How many lives could be saved with early detection?

Enter the MRI boutique.

For a fee, you can receive a full body scan and analysis of the film at any time. Enjoy the peace of mind of a weekly, a monthly, or a biannual scan of your body, without having to be struck by a golf ball or needing to see a doctor for any other reason.

You don’t even need to tell your doctor that you’re getting the scan. No prescription required. Scan yourself as often as you’d like. No questions asked.

This may seem excessive and unlikely to detect problems in the vast majority of customers, but when it comes to your life, why not be excessively cautious? You’ve only got one.

Why not take care of it by any means possible?

The MRI boutique. My next great business idea.

Who wants to invest?

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Published on November 26, 2014 04:20

Cooler than his father ever was or will be

Part of me thinks, “That’s my boy. You go, kid.”


The other part of me thinks, “What a jerk. Who the hell does he think he is?”


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Published on November 26, 2014 03:55

November 25, 2014

The 8 lowest forms of human communication (2014 update)

In 2012, I proposed the four lowest forms of human communication.

Today I update that list with four new items. If you’d like to suggest an addition to the list, I’m all ears.
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1.  The demanded apology

2.  The absence of a thank you note complaint

3.  The “I’m angry at you and will write an email rather than speaking to you in person or calling you” email

4.  The anonymous critique or attack, in any form

5. The read-aloud PowerPoint slide

6. Any meeting agenda item that could’ve been conveyed via email or memo

7. The disingenuous, disinterested “How are you?”

8. The personal tragedy one-upmanship

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Published on November 25, 2014 03:10

Coincidence? I don’t think so.

The Patriots beat the Lions, 34-9 on Sunday, which marked fourteenth anniversary of quarterback Tom Brady’s debut in the NFL.


On that same day in 2000, the Lions beat Tom Brady and the Patriots.


Final score: 34-9.


Coincidence? No way.


Glitch in the matrix. Bug in the program. Virus in the machine.


A sign that we are all living in one enormous computer simulation.


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Published on November 25, 2014 02:52

November 24, 2014

Interstellar should be a TV show

For the record, someone should adapt Interstellar for television. There was about 49 hours of content squeezed into a little less than three hours.


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It would be an amazing TV show. Perfect for HBO. A&E. Netflix.


Also, I’m more than willing to be the one to adapt it, in the event that you’re a show runner looking for a writer.

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Published on November 24, 2014 03:10

High school students wrote and produced raps based upon one of my books

Students at Gavit High School in Hammond, Indiana read Memoirs of an Imaginary Friend in English class, and a group of them wrote and produced raps about the book.


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I’ve never been a huge fan of of rap, but these two songs are definitely an exception:


http://www.smule.com/p/282065249_78027425


http://www.smule.com/p/282065249_78028372

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Published on November 24, 2014 03:05

November 23, 2014

Bread bags on your feet was apparently a thing. Not just my family’s desperate attempt to keep our feet dry in the snow.

Staring at the photographs from the enormous snowfall in Buffalo, I was reminded of the Blizzard of ‘78 in Massachusetts. I was only seven years-old at the time, but I remember it well.


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My hometown of Blackstone and the surrounding towns of Lincoln, Smithfield, Woonsocket, and North Smithfield were the hardest hit, reporting more than 40 inches of snow.


I spent days outside with my father, shoveling trenches from the front door to the car, and from the car to the street. Truthfully, I was probably more of a nuisance than anything else, but I remember feeling like a man for the first time in my life.


We were ill equipped for the winter, as was the case throughout most of my childhood. We wore old socks on our hands in lieu of mittens. Hand-me-down winter coats.


I didn’t own a pair of snow pants until by friends bought me a pair a few years ago for my birthday so I could stay warm at Patriots games.


I didn’t own a scarf until a girlfriend bought one for me when I was in my twenties.


We didn’t own any winter boots, a fact that my evil stepfather would later use in an attempt to drive a wedge between me and my father. Instead, we wore three or four pairs of socks and then wrapped our feet in bread bags before putting on our sneakers.


I thought this was something that only my family did, but when I mentioned the bread bags in a tweet last week, three people responded, saying they did the same thing as kids.


Bread bags used as waterproofing.


Apparently it was a thing.


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Published on November 23, 2014 04:40