Matthew Dicks's Blog, page 362

The prize for my latest writing contest is the threat of tears and possible humiliation. No wonder my students are writing up a storm.

It’s that time of year again when I encourage my students to make me cry.

Parents and teachers often ask me about how my students so consistently fall in love with writing. The answer to this question could probably fill a book, but here is one tiny example:

Each week I sponsor one or more writing contests in my classroom. I choose the topics for these contests, and a panel of three independent, anonymous judges (usually teachers and former students) determine the winner. There is a standard prize for every contest, consisting of a certificate of achievement, a privilege of some kind for the following week, and the winner’s name added to a plaque of previous winners that is displayed in the classroom forever.

But sometimes I vary the prizes.

There was a time when I would read Sharon Creech’s Love That Dog to my students, but after finding myself unable to get through the final pages of the book a few years ago because I was in tears, I ask my students read it silently now.

Whenever I cry during the reading of a book, my kids never let me hear the end of it, so it is to be avoided whenever possible.

Inspired by the ending of Love That Dog, this week’s contest requires students to write a piece that will make me cry. Poem, story, song… whatever they want. 

Here are the rules: 

I agree to read every contest entry aloud to the class while being recorded to video. 
If I cry, get choked up, become verklempt, or produce even a single tear during the reading of the piece, I will post the video of my reading to YouTube with the title “Big Baby Grown Up Cries Like A Big Baby” and credit the student for his or her achievement.

In the four years that I have run this contest, no student has made me cry yet.

Since announcing this contest yesterday, the kids have been working feverishly. Some have even begun researching me online in order to find my “weak spot.”

This is one tiny example of why my students love to write:

I give them good reason to write. I make it profitable and fun.  

The Professional Best Man: A bride’s best friend, too.

Four years ago, I proposed a new job for myself:

The professional best man.

I was serious about the proposal but less than hopeful about my prospects, but since publishing that post back in 2011, a number of remarkable things have happened:

Four grooms have attempted to hire me. Two lived in California. Two lived in the UK. Geography and timing (the weddings were taking place during the school year) prevented me from taking any of these gigs.
Three reality show producers and a documentarian have contacted me about writing, consulting, and/or starring in a series about a professional best man. Two were in the US and two were in the UK.
Kevin Hart, the actor and comedian who stars in the upcoming The Wedding Ringer (based upon the concept of a professional best man), contacted me and acknowledged that I had the idea first. He did not offer any financial compensation.

So my dream of working as a professional best man is still alive and well, but it’s recently been pointed out to me that I have been missing an entire segment of my potential customer base:

Brides.

Sure, a man might find himself in need of a professional best man, but it’s equally likely (and perhaps even more so) that a bride might feel that her future husband is in need of a professional best man, too.

She may love her man, but does she love her man’s best friend?

Not always.

And even if she thinks that her fiancée’s best friend is a great guy, is he competent enough to handle all  of the the responsibilities of a best man? Is he going to remain sober on the wedding day? Is he going to plan a bachelor party that will make her future husband happy while eliminating the possibility of alcohol poisoning, naked women, and police involvement?

If not, I’m your man.

I have met many outstanding best men in my role as a DJ, but I’ve also met many who are too nervous to deliver the toast, too drunk to assist a groom in need, and too disinterested in the role to be helpful in any way.  

Besides, why burden your fiancée’s best friend with all of these responsibilities when all he really wants to do is have a good time at the wedding as well?

Instead, hire me. Your professional best man.

What, you may ask, are my qualifications for such a job? They are, admittedly, quite extensive:

I’ve attended more than 500 weddings as a DJ, minister, guest, groom, member of the bridal party, and best man, so there is little that I have not seen. As a result, I will be ready and able to assist in almost every unexpected or unusual circumstance.
My experience and expertise allow me to ensure that the band, DJ, minister, photographer, caterer, and any other vendors are serving the bride and groom to my exceedingly exacting standards.
I have extensive experience in dealing with irritable in-laws, drunken guests, angry ex-girlfriends, belligerent uncles, wedding crashers, and any other potentially disruptive wedding attendee and am adept at deflecting these distractions away from the bride and groom.
I can deliver an outstanding toast. I am often instructing criminally- unprepared best men on what to say just minutes before their toasts and making them sound quite good.
I am a skilled party planner and will plan a bachelor party that your fiancée loves while also ensuring that he does nothing that he will regret the next day.
I possess a wide range of interests and am skilled at ingratiating myself to a wide range of people. I can do jock and nerd equally well and rarely meet someone who I cannot find common ground. We may not be best friends after your wedding, but for the duration of our nuptials, I will be surprisingly likable and chameleon-like in my ability to blend in with your group of friends. And who knows? One of my best friends is a former client. It could happen for you, too.

And what if you want to hire a professional best man but your fiancée has a friend who also wants the job and would be upset to learn that you went with a professional?

No problem. Simply have two best men.

One who will get drunk during the cocktail hour, hit on one of the bridesmaids during photos, deliver a humorless speech, and forget to end it with an actual toast.

The other will not drink at your wedding (except if he is capping off an amusing and heartfelt toast), will keep you fiancée’s best interests in mind at all times, and is skilled and experienced enough to ensure that everything goes smoothly on your wedding day.

Doesn’t your fiancée you deserve another friend on his wedding day? A friend absent of personal needs and petty grievances. A friend who will guide him through and past every awkward, annoying, unfortunate, and potentially disastrous moment of your wedding.

Don’t you deserve the services of a professional on your wedding day?

A professional best man.

Stupid people think they’re smart, and smart people think they’re not. Most important: They can’t help it. This explains everything.

The Dunning-Kruger effect is a cognitive bias that causes incompetent people to believe they know more than they think they know.

Unskilled individuals suffer from a false sense of superiority, mistakenly rating their ability much higher than is accurate. This bias is the result of the inability of the unskilled to recognize their own ineptitude.

If you’re incompetent, you can’t know you’re incompetent. The skills you need to produce a right answer are exactly the skills you need to recognize what a right answer is.

—David Dunning

Conversely, highly competent individuals tend to underestimate their relative competence, falsely assuming that tasks which are easy for them are also easy for others.

If this is true (and the research seems to support these conclusions), this explains almost everything.

Ignorant people can’t avoid thinking that they are smart.

Zealots, fanatics, ideologues, judgmental family members, Fox News pundits, preachy douchebags, incompetent politicians, Biblical literalists, New York Jets fans, and the like are trapped in a world where it’s impossible for them realize that they are ignorant because they are ignorant.

This makes their stupidity so much more understandable.

I can see it now:

Some idiot will be spouting off against gay marriage, or trying to explain how vaccines are dangerous, or insisting that backing into a parking spot makes sense. In the past, I might have argued these points. Tried to change the person’s mind. Defended the truth.

Now I will simply nod my head, smile, turn to my wife, and whisper, “Dunning-Kruger. Poor thing.” 

No longer will I have to wonder if a person actually believes the nonsense that he or she is spewing. They do. And they can’t help it, because they are incompetent.

The best part of the Dunning-Kruger effect the man who inspired the initial study. 

McArthur Wheeler was a man who robbed two banks in 1995 after covering his face with lemon juice in the mistaken belief that, as lemon juice is usable as invisible ink, it would prevent his face from being recorded on surveillance cameras.

David Dunning and Justin Kruger heard about this man and wondered how stupidity of that magnitude is even possible.

The Dunning-Kruger effect is how. Poor guy.

Productivity tip #12: Embrace the imperfect.

Start something new. Forget about the perfect launch or the right equipment or the ideal partner.

Just start.

If you find yourself a slave to perfection, remember these three things:

It’s more than likely that your need or perfection is simply a symptom of your fear of failure or your tendency to procrastinate.
Almost no one is doing anything perfect. Join the crowd.
Most important: Just starting something, as imperfect as it may be, already makes you better than the vast majority of people who never start anything.

Be better than everyone else. Start something terribly imperfect today. Or be like everyone else and go nowhere.

Harsh, I know. But it’s what I say to myself almost everyday, and it works.

My previous productivity tips can be found here.

The Play-Doh sex toy was a mistake, but making a big deal out of it is much worse.

Yes, it’s true. Play-Doh blundered big time with the design of their “extruder.” It’s kind of impossible to understand how this was produced without someone in the company noticing the problem. 

Regardless, the outrage that parents have expressed is ridiculous. The complaints on Play-Doh’s Facebook page about how this phallic piece of plastic has ruined their Christmas would be amusing if they weren’t so annoying.

Everything doesn’t have to be something.

This is one of my favorite new phrases, and I’ve been using it a lot lately. In fact, most things don’t have to be something. If you’ve taken to the Internet to voice your concerns about how this Play-Doh sex toy has destroyed your holiday joy and damaged your child’s self esteem, I suspect that you are probably the one whose self esteem is damaged.

Find a hobby. Start training for a 5K. Go volunteer in a homeless shelter.

Do something productive with your time. And smile. Play-Doh has clearly made a mistake with this product, but it’s pretty hilarious, too.

A New Year’s resolution for all experienced parents: Silence the small, sad and stupid. Allow expecting parents to be expectant.

Now that I’ve posted my New Year’s resolutions for 2015, I have a  New Year’s resolution suggestion for all parents:

Spend the next year (or even better, the rest of your life) telling expecting and first time parents that children are joyous miracles and being a parent is a remarkable and rewarding journey. Pour forth positivity. Tell stories about your children’s unadulterated adorableness and all the ways that they have made your life better. Glorious, even.

Have no fear about painting parenthood with rose colored glasses. There are more than enough dumb ass parents in the world who are hell bent on spreading doom and gloom to expecting and newly-minted parents. For every positive remark that you extend to an expecting parent, there will be a dozen or more nattering nabobs of negativity whining about the cost of diapers, the loss of sleep, and their inability to go out to the movies anymore.

It’s impossible to shut these people up. I have tried.

Instead, I spend my time attempting to balance the world by assuring pregnant mothers and expecting fathers that these whining, complaining, unhappy parents are small, sad, stupid people who cannot find joy in their own lives and choose to spread misery wherever they can.

Make 2015 the year you attempt to bring some balance back to the world. Counter every parental whine and complaint with a story of happiness and joy. Follow every ridiculous warning with an expectation of elation.

Expecting parents should be exactly that: Expecting.

New Years resolutions: 2015

The following are my New Years resolutions for 2015.

For the first time, I have placed my resolutions in categories to help me keep them in order in my mind. I’ve also sought reasonability in my resolutions this year, since there are more than ever before.  

As always, I reserve the right to alter the list for up to one week after posting. Suggestions are still welcome.

PERSONAL HEALTH

1. Don’t die.

Recommended by a friend a couple years ago. Still valid today and deserving of the first spot on the list.

2. Lose 20 pounds.

Since my first weight goal in 2010, I have lost a total of 48 pounds. Another 20 is ambitious, but it would get me down to my high school weight, and I’m willing to try to make that happen.

3. Do at least 100 push-ups and 100 sit-ups five days a week.

I’ve accomplished this goal for three years in a row, but it’s not exactly automatic, so it remains on the list.

4. Stop drinking soda from two-liter bottles.

My plan is to reduce my intake of Diet Coke. My original plan was to eliminate all soda consumption in the home, but this would cause problems when I bring a cup of soda home from McDonald’s or on the rare occasions that my wife brightens my day with one. Eliminating the two liter bottle will reduce my soda consumption considerably but still allow for the occasional soda brought in from a restaurant or 7-11. 

It will also save me approximately $500 per year in soda costs.

I plan to add a glass of orange juice to my mornings as well, to replace the Diet Coke that I normally start my day by drinking. 

5. Practice yoga at least five days a week.

I’m currently not practicing yoga because of an unrelated shoulder injury, but as soon as I get approval from my physical therapist, I will resume.

6. Learn to cook three good meals for my wife.

The only meal that I am capable of cooking for Elysha at this time is macaroni and cheese and hot dogs, which is amazing but not very impressive. I want to be able to cook three meals for her that she loves by the end of the year.

WRITING CAREER

7. Complete my sixth novel before the end of the summer 2015.

The book is about half finished, and I like it a lot. It shouldn’t be hard to finish it by the end of this coming summer.

8. Complete my seventh novel.

This unconventional novel is nearly finished but requires a great deal of polish and assembly. I may be able to finish it by the end of the summer as well.

9. Sell one children’s book to a publisher.

I have three written and ready to go. We will pitch soon. I have two new ideas that I like a lot, so I will work on them in 2015 as well. 

10. Sell a memoir to a publisher.

The memoir is written and is being polished now.

11. Sell a book of essays to a publisher.  

The book is written and will go to editors in January.

12. Complete a book proposal for a book on storytelling.

I’m in the process of writing a book on storytelling, modeled a bit after Stephen King’s On Writing. Part memoir, part how-to. I think I have some important and helpful things to say about the art of storytelling, and I’m excited about this book.

13. Write a new screenplay.

I wrote my first screenplay last year. I am revising it now based upon film agent’s notes. I plan to write another in 2015. 

14. Write 50 pages of a new memoir about the years of 1991-1993.

I have 25 badly written pages for this memoir that must be transformed into 50 good pages in 2015.

15. Write a musical for a summer camp

Camp begins in July. My partner and I broke the story this week. Now all I have to do is write the whole damn thing.

16. Publish at least one Op-Ed in a physical newspaper.

My real goal is to land another column in a magazine, newspaper, or online publication this year, but I’m keeping this goal more reasonable.

17. Submit one or more short stories to at least three publishing outlets.

I could’ve been more ambitious and make it a goal to get one of these short stories published, but I’ve decided to recognize the effort as significant enough with this goal, particularly because I don’t know how good these short stories are.

18. Select three behaviors that I am opposed to and adopt them for one week, then write about my experiences on the blog.

A suggestion by a reader that appealed to me.

My first idea: Backing into a parking spot. I rightfully assume that anyone backing into a parking spot is a lunatic of the highest order. I shall spend a week backing into parking spots and see what wisdom I can glean.

Others (I have lots of ideas) will follow. 

19. Build an author mailing list.

This is apparently a big deal. Email drives sales. Builds my author platform. All the experts agree. And we sell out every Speak Up event on the strength of our mailing list alone, so I guess I’ll do it.

20. Build a new website for matthewdicks.com

This is a much needed reboot of my website. My current website was designed by a professional, which means it was excellent at the time but I can’t do a thing with it. If I build this one myself, I’ll be able to update and change at will.

STORYTELLING

21. Produce a total of eight Speak Up storytelling events.

We produced eight shows in 2014, so this is a conservative total, especially given that we will have produced four by April, but I would be happy with eight and ecstatic if there were more.

22. Deliver a TED Talk.

I’ve had some bad luck in terms of TED Talks over the past two years.

I did a TED Talk at the AT&T Conference Center in 2013 that went extremely well, but technical difficulties made the audio on the recording almost indiscernible.

I did a TED Talk at Western Connecticut State University in 2013 that went flawlessly, but the college students who hosted the conference never posted the recording online.

I did a TED Talk in April of 2014 in Somerville, Massachusetts that also went well, but my 15 minute talk was accidentally put on a nine minute timer, which forced me to dump sections of my talk on the fly and speak faster than I would’ve liked. The talk was good, but it was not exactly what I had planned. There was room for improvement.

Let 2015 be the year that I am able to deliver an outstanding TED Talk with zero technical difficulties.

23. Build a webs ite for Speak Up.

Elysha and I have been slow to build a website, simply because we have sold out every show. But as outside venues reach out to us and the media makes inquiries, a website has become a necessity.

24. Attend at least 10 Moth events with the intention of telling a story.

I attended 15 Moth events in 2013, so this number is more than reasonable.

25. Win at least two Moth StorySLAMs.

I won one slam in 2011.
I won two slams in 2012.
I won seven slams in 2013.
I won five slams in 2o14.
Winning two slams in 2015 is a reasonable goal.

26. Win a Moth GrandSLAM.

I won my first GrandSLAM in 2013 after eight tries and six second place finishes. I’ll probably be competing in three or four GrandSLAMs in 2015, so this goal isn’t completely unreasonable.

27. Launch at least one podcast.

This was a 2012 and 2013 goal that I have yet to complete.

NEW PROJECTS

28. Pitch at least three new projects to five smart people.

I have many ideas and not as much time as I would like. In 2015, I would like to move some of these ideas forward by partnering with smart people who are willing to do at least half of the work required to make these things a reality. Basically, I want to work with smart, motivated people. I seem to have a bounty of these kinds of people in my life. I will begin reaching out.

29. Host at least one Shakespeare Circle.

I intend on hosting an evening of Shakespeare. Friends will join us around the table to read a Shakespearean play aloud, with each person assuming a different role. I already have a group of people who have agreed to attend.

MISCELLANEOUS

30. Enroll in the final class needed for certification as a high school English teacher. 

31. Set a new personal best in golf.

My lowest score for nine holes is a 45, and my lowest score for 18 holes is 95. I’d like to improve on either score in 2015.

32. Post my progress in terms of these resolutions on this blog on the first day of every month.

Resolution update: 2014 in review

In an effort to hold myself accountable, I post the progress of my yearly goals at the end of each month on this blog. The following are the results through December and through the end of 2014.

In 2014, I managed to completed 15 out of the 25 goals that I set for myself back in January for a 60% completion rate. This is actually fairly good in comparison to previous years.

In the four years that I have been charting my goals, my completion rates have been 60% (2013), 30% (2012), 62% (2011) and 44% (2010).

In examining my successes and failures, I’ve noted the following:

I had four goals related to storytelling and public speaking, and I managed to complete them all.
I had seven goals related to writing and completed four of them. I failed to complete the two novels that I wanted to finish in 2014, as well as the children’s books that I had hoped to sell, primarily because of a book that required more revision than I had anticipated. A great deal of progress was made, however, on those three failed goals.
I had four goals related to personal health and completed three of them, falling five pounds short of my weight-related goal.
I completed both of my organizational goals of the New Year.

My biggest disappointment of 2014 was the goal related to podcasting. I looked forward to launching a podcast all year and allowed technical challenges to stand in my way. I should’ve been podcasting two years ago.

There were three goals that I did not continue to actively pursue in 2014. My desire to become certified as a high school teacher waned as I realized all that I would be giving up to leave the position I currently hold.

I also made no real attempt to run another A-Mattzing Race in 2014. Though I’ve loved running them in the past, there was simply no time for  race in 2014. I launched a summer writing academy instead and am happy with the tradeoff.

I also made no attempt to write any short stories in 2014. I wrote two short stories in 2013, but both were written upon waves of inspiration (and in one case, a bet). When short stories became an expectation rather than a surprise in 2014, the desire waned considerably.

Here are the final results from 2013:
_________________________________

1. Don’t die.

Most important goal accomplished.

2. Lose ten pounds.

I was down eight pounds at one point, but as I end the year, I am down just five pounds. Weight goals are hard given the food that is eaten in the holidays. You almost need a buffer going into December to avoid the holiday bounce.

3. Do at least 100 push-ups and 100 sit-ups five days a week.

Done.

4. Launch at least one new podcast.

My goal was to launch a second podcast in addition to the first, which never got off the ground. Almost all of the problems with this are related to my website, which is badly in need of an update. My intention was to rebuild the entire website myself, so I could make changes and updates in the future without relying on someone else, and I still intend to do that. 

5. Complete my sixth novel before the end of the summer 2014.

This book is more than halfway finished. My primary stumbling block was my fifth novel, which I revised throughout much of 2014. I thought this book would be finished by February, but when work on it continued, the other writing projects suffered.

6. Complete my seventh novel.

This book is more than halfway finished. Same problems as above.

7. Sell one children’s book to a publisher.

My agent and I swapped by three manuscripts back and forth throughout 2014. They are currently back in my hands and nearly ready to return to her. She will pitch them in early 2015, and with some luck, an editor will like one or more of them enough to make an offer.    

8. Complete a book proposal for my memoir.

The proposal for a memoir comprised of 30-40 of my Moth stories is complete. The process of sending the book to editors for their consideration has begun.

A memoir comprising a season of golf is also complete. My agent and I are in the process of preparing the manuscript for sale.

Work also continues on a memoir that focuses on the two years that encompassed my arrest and trial for a crime I did not commit. These two years also include an armed robbery, the onset of my post traumatic stress disorder, my period of homelessness, and the time I spent living with a family of Jehovah’s Witnesses.

Work also began on a new book which will be part memoir and part instructive.

9. Host at least one Shakespeare Circle.

I scheduled this for December 27, but because of the holidays, I was unable to get enough people to attend to make it happen. I have lots of interest but waited until the last minute and chose a date that didn’t work with most. I plan to reschedule for early 2015. 

10. Write a screenplay.

Done! Back in my hands with notes from my film agent. She likes it. I’m thrilled.

11. Write at least three short stories.

I failed to write a single short story in 2014. After writing two short stories in 2013, I thought that three was a reasonable goal. 

12. Write a collection of poetry using existing and newly written poems.

My agent has spoken. Not only does poetry not earn any money, but she doesn’t think my poetry is worth my time in terms of time and money. She encouraged me to send some of my better poems to journals and contests, which I may do at some point. Many of my poems are autobiographical, and it turns out that at least a few will make excellent Moth stories.

13. Become certified to teach high school English by completing one required class.

I remain one class and $50 away from completion. I’m also a lot less certain about wanting to teach English at the high school level. I kind of love my job as it stands. Why change?

That said, having the additional certification would be great in terms of future endeavors.

14. Publish at least one Op-Ed in a physical newspaper.

Done! In October I published an Op-Ed in the Hartford Courant about communicating with students in the digital world.

My third column in Seasons magazine also published in December.

I also published a piece in The Cook’s Cook, a magazine for aspiring food writers and recipe testers. You can read the April-May issue here.

15. Attend at least 10 Moth events with the intention of telling a story.

I competed in a Moth StorySLAM in New York on December 29 at The Bitter End and won. 

This brings my total number of events for the year to 17.

16. Win a Moth GrandSLAM.

Done!   

17. Give yoga an honest try.

I took my first yoga lesson in November and practiced for about three weeks before a shoulder injury forced me to stop. I’m beginning physical therapy on the shoulder next week and then will return to my morning yoga ritual.

18. De-clutter the basement.

Done!

19. De-clutter the shed

Done! I dislodged a mouse family, filled the back of my truck with junk, and now I have an empty, organized shed.

20. Conduct the ninth No-Longer-Annual A-Mattzing Race in 2014.

Didn’t even come close to making this happen.

21. Produce a total of six Speak Up storytelling events.

Done! We produced a total of eight shows in 2014.

22. Deliver a TED Talk.

I delivered a TED Talk in March at Brooklyn Boulders in Somerville, MA.

23. Set a new personal best in golf.

I played golf last week. Not well. I finished the year tying my personal best for nine holes but failing to beat it.

24. Find a way to keep my wife home for one more year with our children.

25. Post my progress in terms of these resolutions on this blog on the first day of every month.

My highly improbable weekend

On Saturday, I played golf. In December. In New England. The course was closed, and there were sticks and pine boughs in place of the pins, but that didn’t matter. I played.  

I didn’t even care that I lost.

On Sunday I attended the Patriots game at Gillette Stadium. The Patriots lost to the Buffalo Bills. Since New England had already locked up the top seed in the playoffs, the game had no real meaning. The Patriots sat many of their starters, and as a result, they failed to even score a touchdown.

I didn’t even care that they lost.

On Saturday night, I attended my extended family’s Christmas party in Massachusetts. I was in the room for more than five minutes when my wife called over to me. Pointed.

I looked. Standing in the corner was my father.

My father was at the party. My father does not go to parties. My father does not leave his house unless forced to do so. My father does not interact with large groups. My father does not attend family functions. 

My father was attending a family Christmas party. 

Given my immature and petulant need to win at all costs, I’m not sure which was more improbable this weekend:

Playing golf in December
Not caring about losing my golf match
Not caring about the Patriots losing their game
My father attending the annual family Christmas party

It’s nice when life can offer up such a bounty of surprises.

I want to be overpaid.

For the second year in the row, Forbes has declared that Adam Sandler is the most overpaid actor in Hollywood for 2014.

This fact is often stated with derision. 

Just for the record, my life goal is to be overpaid for my work. In a country where CEOs earn 33 times as much as the average worker and 774 times as much as minimum wage earners, I have no problem with anyone trying to be overpaid.

Good for you, Adam Sandler.