Ryan Field's Blog, page 524
October 27, 2011
New Adult Erotic Romance...Untitled
I've been working on a Christmas story, which is something I never do this time of year. But I wanted to do this one for several reasons. One is that I'm truly captivated by the "new adult" genre. Another is because the idea came to me and I decided to get it out "there."
Here's the blurb, so far, which is subject to change. I still haven't come up with a title yet. But I know something will come to me.
The concept of "new adult" interests me partly because so many seem so passionate about it, and partly because so many know-it-all-types within the publishing industry are dismissing it. And "new adult" is over eighteen, which makes for interesting erotic romance. I know I was having plenty of erotic romance between the ages of eighteen and twenty, and I'm sure they are still doing it.
According to this, new adult is:
...they fit in a new, previously-unidentified genre called 'New Adult'. JJ from St Martin's Press explains that, 'New Adult [fiction] is about young adulthood, when you are an adult but have not established your life as one (career, family, what-have-you)'.
Blurb for story:
A young veterinarian in his twenties who works as an ER doc at a 24 hour animal clinic is stranded in a snow storm on Xmas Eve during the midnight shift, when a good looking guy walks in with a basket full of newborn lab puppies and a mother who is near death.
Here's the blurb, so far, which is subject to change. I still haven't come up with a title yet. But I know something will come to me.
The concept of "new adult" interests me partly because so many seem so passionate about it, and partly because so many know-it-all-types within the publishing industry are dismissing it. And "new adult" is over eighteen, which makes for interesting erotic romance. I know I was having plenty of erotic romance between the ages of eighteen and twenty, and I'm sure they are still doing it.
According to this, new adult is:
...they fit in a new, previously-unidentified genre called 'New Adult'. JJ from St Martin's Press explains that, 'New Adult [fiction] is about young adulthood, when you are an adult but have not established your life as one (career, family, what-have-you)'.
Blurb for story:
A young veterinarian in his twenties who works as an ER doc at a 24 hour animal clinic is stranded in a snow storm on Xmas Eve during the midnight shift, when a good looking guy walks in with a basket full of newborn lab puppies and a mother who is near death.
A Civil War Historical About More Than a Man: A YOUNG WIDOW'S PROMISE
Tomorrow A YOUNG WIDOW'S PROMISE, a Civil War historical, is going to be released and I wanted to post a few things about it up front. It's not what I normally write, and this time I decided not to use a pen name. AYWP is very low on the heat and strong on the emotion. So if you're looking for a lot of sex, you're not going to find it in this book.
First, it's a novella with about 26,000 words. There are sexy scenes, though. And one of those scenes happens in the m/m subplot. Yes, there is a m/m romance subplot. But this novella will be in the m/f category.
The most important thing for me while I was writing this novella was that I wanted to have a strong female character who is just as passionate about her "cause" as she is about her man. There's nothing wrong with books or stories that only concentrate on women who are passionate about their heros. But I wanted this character, Felecia Roundtree, to be just as interested in the cause she's been fighting for long before she meets the love of her life.
And I wrote an epilogue this time. I rarely do this. But I think this novella called for it and I wanted to tie up the story so readers didn't walk away feeling cheated.
Here's an excerpt from the fist chapter:
FeleciaRoundtree sat on the edge of her bed in
the only white dress she had left since the war had
begun. She'd always preferred white because it
was simple and easy to care for. She should have
been wearing black, but she wasn't seen often
enough to worry about it. Besides, this dress had
turned mostly pale gray by then anyway, and the
hem was beginning to fray. She'd been meaning
to buy fabric to sew a new dress, but it wasn't on
the top of her chore list.
It was already after six on a warm, moist
Saturday morning in late August and she hadn't
even finished dressing yet.
Felecia was thirty-seven years old but looked
more like twenty-seven. Her hair was long and
A Young Widows Promise
2
strawberry blond and parted dead center; thick
waves fell into points below her shoulders. Each
morning, she haphazardly pulled it back and
pinned it into a chignon, exposing a face so delicate
and pointed and looked so much like a handsome
fox, old friends sometimes called her Foxy.
Before she started her day, she crossed her
legs and hesitated. She rested her chin in the palm
of her hand and sighed. Then she pursed her lips
and gazed through the open window of her second floor
bedroom, beyond the small, quirky cemetery
that covered the entire front of her property. This
was one of those mornings she still had trouble
believing she had a graveyard in front of her house.
She reached for a book on the cherry
nightstand alongside the bed, a small black bible
with faint traces of what had once been gold
lettering embossed on the frayed cover. She didn't
open it. She just placed her right palm on top and
said a small prayer for her two young sons who
were off fighting somewhere in Virginia.
First, it's a novella with about 26,000 words. There are sexy scenes, though. And one of those scenes happens in the m/m subplot. Yes, there is a m/m romance subplot. But this novella will be in the m/f category.
The most important thing for me while I was writing this novella was that I wanted to have a strong female character who is just as passionate about her "cause" as she is about her man. There's nothing wrong with books or stories that only concentrate on women who are passionate about their heros. But I wanted this character, Felecia Roundtree, to be just as interested in the cause she's been fighting for long before she meets the love of her life.
And I wrote an epilogue this time. I rarely do this. But I think this novella called for it and I wanted to tie up the story so readers didn't walk away feeling cheated.
Here's an excerpt from the fist chapter:
FeleciaRoundtree sat on the edge of her bed in
the only white dress she had left since the war had
begun. She'd always preferred white because it
was simple and easy to care for. She should have
been wearing black, but she wasn't seen often
enough to worry about it. Besides, this dress had
turned mostly pale gray by then anyway, and the
hem was beginning to fray. She'd been meaning
to buy fabric to sew a new dress, but it wasn't on
the top of her chore list.
It was already after six on a warm, moist
Saturday morning in late August and she hadn't
even finished dressing yet.
Felecia was thirty-seven years old but looked
more like twenty-seven. Her hair was long and
A Young Widows Promise
2
strawberry blond and parted dead center; thick
waves fell into points below her shoulders. Each
morning, she haphazardly pulled it back and
pinned it into a chignon, exposing a face so delicate
and pointed and looked so much like a handsome
fox, old friends sometimes called her Foxy.
Before she started her day, she crossed her
legs and hesitated. She rested her chin in the palm
of her hand and sighed. Then she pursed her lips
and gazed through the open window of her second floor
bedroom, beyond the small, quirky cemetery
that covered the entire front of her property. This
was one of those mornings she still had trouble
believing she had a graveyard in front of her house.
She reached for a book on the cherry
nightstand alongside the bed, a small black bible
with faint traces of what had once been gold
lettering embossed on the frayed cover. She didn't
open it. She just placed her right palm on top and
said a small prayer for her two young sons who
were off fighting somewhere in Virginia.
October 26, 2011
Sharing a Link on a Stranger's Facebook Wall...Not
This isn't a rant. I swear it's not. It's more like I'm throwing my hands in the air and wondering why post.
I've been getting these "shared links" posted on my wall by writers I don't know and have never met even in a general sense, like through an e-mail or through a blog comment.
And to me, this is like someone stepping into my home, pulling out my pots and pans, and cooking in my kitchen without permission. It's a passive aggressive form of intellectual invasion and it's not something that's going to help sell a book. When I see these things, I go the my wall and delete the entire post without thinking twice. And I don't feel bad about this. I have never, not once, even thought about posting links to my books on a stranger's facebook wall. That takes a certain kind of audacity and makes me wonder on many different levels.
Just to be clear, I'm not talking about friends and people I know fairly well. If I know you and we've talked and exchanged e-mails even slightly, I'm fine with sharing my wall with your link. But if I don't know you, and you've never taken the time to at least introduce yourself to me with a short e-mail, you're going to come off as rude and pushy instead of warm and endearing.
And I'm not the only one who feels this way. I have one writer friend who not only removes the shared link, she removes the pushy author from her friend list. I don't take it that far. But with all the noise out there and so many hawking their books day and night, the most obnoxious and aggressive approach is the least likely book I'm going to buy and read. For those of you who have hired these quasi online PR firms to give you bad advice, I hope you think twice before you do something that's going to irritate a lot of people before your book has even gotten off the ground.
I've been getting these "shared links" posted on my wall by writers I don't know and have never met even in a general sense, like through an e-mail or through a blog comment.
And to me, this is like someone stepping into my home, pulling out my pots and pans, and cooking in my kitchen without permission. It's a passive aggressive form of intellectual invasion and it's not something that's going to help sell a book. When I see these things, I go the my wall and delete the entire post without thinking twice. And I don't feel bad about this. I have never, not once, even thought about posting links to my books on a stranger's facebook wall. That takes a certain kind of audacity and makes me wonder on many different levels.
Just to be clear, I'm not talking about friends and people I know fairly well. If I know you and we've talked and exchanged e-mails even slightly, I'm fine with sharing my wall with your link. But if I don't know you, and you've never taken the time to at least introduce yourself to me with a short e-mail, you're going to come off as rude and pushy instead of warm and endearing.
And I'm not the only one who feels this way. I have one writer friend who not only removes the shared link, she removes the pushy author from her friend list. I don't take it that far. But with all the noise out there and so many hawking their books day and night, the most obnoxious and aggressive approach is the least likely book I'm going to buy and read. For those of you who have hired these quasi online PR firms to give you bad advice, I hope you think twice before you do something that's going to irritate a lot of people before your book has even gotten off the ground.
Just One More, I Swear
Since FB made the changes, I've been seeing these great photos all over the place. And since I couldn't take a decent photo to save my life, I can't seem to get enough of them.
October 25, 2011
Don't Get Sucked In...
I'm posting about con jobs because I've seen them happen before and I hate to see people being taken advantage of. There have been people conning other people since the beginning of time and the Internet has only exacerbated this.
Watch out for Internet con jobs, especially those that tug at your heart. These are the worst offenders. There are a few going around and they sound endearing, honest, and reliable. They are asking for money by handing out personal details in private messages or private e-mails that make you stop and think twice. But if it involves money and it's going around through a social network or through e-mail and you don't know the situation personally, it's most likely a con job.
When decent, honest people are working for a charity or running a legitimate fundraiser they post about the cause at hand and state their intentions openly and in public. They have nothing to hide. They don't do it through furtive e-mails and private messages on social media. This is creepy. This is wrong on so many levels I could write a book about it.
And we all work too hard for our money to let anyone take advantage of us. If you're an author, no one helped you more than you helped yourself by writing your book and finding a way to get it published. No one was around when you were getting rejected and you found the strength to keep going. Don't get sucked in.
Watch out for Internet con jobs, especially those that tug at your heart. These are the worst offenders. There are a few going around and they sound endearing, honest, and reliable. They are asking for money by handing out personal details in private messages or private e-mails that make you stop and think twice. But if it involves money and it's going around through a social network or through e-mail and you don't know the situation personally, it's most likely a con job.
When decent, honest people are working for a charity or running a legitimate fundraiser they post about the cause at hand and state their intentions openly and in public. They have nothing to hide. They don't do it through furtive e-mails and private messages on social media. This is creepy. This is wrong on so many levels I could write a book about it.
And we all work too hard for our money to let anyone take advantage of us. If you're an author, no one helped you more than you helped yourself by writing your book and finding a way to get it published. No one was around when you were getting rejected and you found the strength to keep going. Don't get sucked in.
Christmas In August...
I'm always working about six months ahead of schedule. In other words, I don't write Christmas stories or novels at Christmastime. I write them in the heat of summer, when it's hard to even think about Christmas, so readers will have them by the end of November. It's like this with all holiday themed fiction. And I think most writers do the same thing. But once in a while it's nice to sit back and enjoy the season we're in, too.
I love this photo. For some reason, it seems to capture what can be a ticky tacky holiday, like Halloween, and turn it into something mysterious and magical.
October 24, 2011
Top Gay Russian Activist Steps Back...
This is interesting, partly because of the fact that the top gay activist in Russia has quit and partly because of alleged anti-Semitic remarks he made which canceled his speaking plans in the US.
I also find the concept of a top gay activist interesting, in terms of this country, and how we don't seem to have a top gay activist. I'm not going into details about my thoughts on that. But it would be nice, indeed, if we had one, too.
Here's the Advocate link, and below is the article:
Russia's Top Gay Activist Suddenly Quits
By Neal Broverman
Nikolay Alekseyev Russian gay activist Nikolay Alekseyev told The Advocate in January that America lacks an LGBT rights figurehead because the stakes are too high for most people — his words now sound prophetic as he steps down from his position as head of Moscow Pride.
For years, Alekseyev worked against the homophobic government culture of Russia, putting increasing pressure on Moscow officials to allow Pride celebrations after they repeatedly canceled them. Enduring brutality, kidnapping, and slander, Alekseyev scored a major victory a year ago when the European Court of Human Rights ruled that Russia violated the European Convention on Human Rights when it banned three Moscow gay-pride festivals.
Alekseyev, 34, has written two books on gay rights that are now housed at the U.S. Library of Congress — he was viewed as the Harvey Milk of Russia, possibly Europe. So, the fact that he's stepping down from Moscow Pride, and the website GayRussia, is a shock to some. Alekseyev did not give specific reasons for his departure in his message on Facebook, Twitter, and listserv emails, but it appears to be for personal reasons. Nikolai Baev, the man succeeding Alekseyev at GayRussia, told UKGayNews that, "The reason is totally personal. He just decided to change his activity and lifestyle, and he has a full right to this."
"It is true that I am fed up, and that is why I decided to step down," Alekseyev confirmed to UK Gay News, but wouldn't divulge any more information.
Alekseyev recently ran into problems in America. A spring speaking tour was planned as an informal U.S. "debut" party for the civil rights leader. But when an anti-Semitic blog post of Alekseyev's was translated just prior to the trip, the California speaking engagements were canceled — Robin Tyler, the Los Angeles-based LGBT activist, says she made the decision after Alekseyev refused to clarify his remarks; Alekseyev says he pulled the plug and that an enemy of his, Scott Long, formerly of the British organization Human Rights Watch, translated and released the post with the intention of ruining the U.S. trip.
I also find the concept of a top gay activist interesting, in terms of this country, and how we don't seem to have a top gay activist. I'm not going into details about my thoughts on that. But it would be nice, indeed, if we had one, too.
Here's the Advocate link, and below is the article:
Russia's Top Gay Activist Suddenly Quits
By Neal Broverman
Nikolay Alekseyev Russian gay activist Nikolay Alekseyev told The Advocate in January that America lacks an LGBT rights figurehead because the stakes are too high for most people — his words now sound prophetic as he steps down from his position as head of Moscow Pride.
For years, Alekseyev worked against the homophobic government culture of Russia, putting increasing pressure on Moscow officials to allow Pride celebrations after they repeatedly canceled them. Enduring brutality, kidnapping, and slander, Alekseyev scored a major victory a year ago when the European Court of Human Rights ruled that Russia violated the European Convention on Human Rights when it banned three Moscow gay-pride festivals.
Alekseyev, 34, has written two books on gay rights that are now housed at the U.S. Library of Congress — he was viewed as the Harvey Milk of Russia, possibly Europe. So, the fact that he's stepping down from Moscow Pride, and the website GayRussia, is a shock to some. Alekseyev did not give specific reasons for his departure in his message on Facebook, Twitter, and listserv emails, but it appears to be for personal reasons. Nikolai Baev, the man succeeding Alekseyev at GayRussia, told UKGayNews that, "The reason is totally personal. He just decided to change his activity and lifestyle, and he has a full right to this."
"It is true that I am fed up, and that is why I decided to step down," Alekseyev confirmed to UK Gay News, but wouldn't divulge any more information.
Alekseyev recently ran into problems in America. A spring speaking tour was planned as an informal U.S. "debut" party for the civil rights leader. But when an anti-Semitic blog post of Alekseyev's was translated just prior to the trip, the California speaking engagements were canceled — Robin Tyler, the Los Angeles-based LGBT activist, says she made the decision after Alekseyev refused to clarify his remarks; Alekseyev says he pulled the plug and that an enemy of his, Scott Long, formerly of the British organization Human Rights Watch, translated and released the post with the intention of ruining the U.S. trip.
About Historicals...
One reason I find historicals interesting is because half the time they aren't always accurate, and the other half it's hard to tell if they are, indeed, accurate. And I'm not talking about basic inaccuracies about facts, like once when I read a historical about the mid-nineteenth century and the main character drove a ford (this really did happen...it was a Model T Ford...but still).
I'm talking about the kind of inaccuracy that I read the other day that made me laugh. And it's not even in fiction. There's this old house near where I live that has been renovated many, many times in the past three decades. It's actually a great place, and there is a lot of historical significance. And I read a facebook post over the weekend where brand new owners, who are once again about to renovate, wanted to know a little bit about the history and decided to ask locals on facebook. And the comments I read made me laugh. They talked about it being haunted, which is nonsense. They talked about it being on a bogus ghost tour, which is more nonsense. In fact, the only thing haunted about this place is that no one wants to really tell the truth about the history, which is something I find quite often when it comes to all historical, so-called facts.
I know for a fact that this old place was used to make all male porn films during the l990's. I'm talking about the most graphic, sexual kind of porn that can be made, too. They made them there for about ten years. I even knew the owner of the place at the time. I wasn't good friends with him. But I knew him well enough to nod hello and say a few words in passing at the post office or grocery store. But more than that, this is a small town...EVERYONE knew they made porn there.
And yet no one's speaking up and telling the truth. It's as if this porn fact never even existed. There are a few more sordid stories about the people who lived there before the porn people. And none of this was mentioned in facebook either. There were all kinds of things mentioned that never really happened, including the ghost stories. But the one thing of significance...at least I would think it's significant if they made well known porn films in a home I'd just purchased...was not even mentioned in jest.
And this only proves my basic belief that a good deal of history is rewritten and interpreted in order to suit other peoples needs. In A YOUNG WIDOW'S PROMISE, which will be released on Oct. 28th, there were a few scenes where I was tempted to write that the main character served cold iced tea on a hot day. But when I researched iced tea, I found that it wasn't actually popular until later. It was only by a small margin; we're talking a few years. But I wanted to be accurate, so I left the iced tea out and she served cold well water instead...playing it safe.
I know this is a small detail. Most people probably wouldn't even care. But who really knows for sure? She could have been serving cool tea. It could have been an old secret family recipe. Maybe not iced tea in the heat of summer. But she could have kept strong tea at room temperature and added cold well water. However, it's not a chance I wanted to take, not even by a small margin. But if I had, I'd like to see someone argue the point with me. I did take a few liberties in some places and I'm curious to see how they are received/interpreted.
Yes, there are certain facts when it comes to writing historicals that must be adhered to. If not, the reader winds up laughing (or insulted) instead of being educated (and entertained). And one of the most difficult things about writing historical erotic romance is that no one can prove or disprove something did or didn't exist with regard to sex, especially homosexual sex. At least I don't think they can, unless they have some kind of private inside knowledge as to what actually happened inside someone's bedroom. I found a few flaws in Brokeback Mountain. As I gay man, I knew there were certains scenes that would not have happened during that time period. But it worked; most people didn't care. And the author garnered a lot of praise for the book.
I've learned to read these things with an open mind. I know the historical types would disagree with me. They seem to believe that all history was reported with absolute accuracy and there are no gray areas. In some cases they might be correct. But in many cases I doubt it; I don't trust it. I honestly believe that it's part of human nature to cover up and change things as we go along, which makes it virtually impossible to really know what happened in the past.
I'm talking about the kind of inaccuracy that I read the other day that made me laugh. And it's not even in fiction. There's this old house near where I live that has been renovated many, many times in the past three decades. It's actually a great place, and there is a lot of historical significance. And I read a facebook post over the weekend where brand new owners, who are once again about to renovate, wanted to know a little bit about the history and decided to ask locals on facebook. And the comments I read made me laugh. They talked about it being haunted, which is nonsense. They talked about it being on a bogus ghost tour, which is more nonsense. In fact, the only thing haunted about this place is that no one wants to really tell the truth about the history, which is something I find quite often when it comes to all historical, so-called facts.
I know for a fact that this old place was used to make all male porn films during the l990's. I'm talking about the most graphic, sexual kind of porn that can be made, too. They made them there for about ten years. I even knew the owner of the place at the time. I wasn't good friends with him. But I knew him well enough to nod hello and say a few words in passing at the post office or grocery store. But more than that, this is a small town...EVERYONE knew they made porn there.
And yet no one's speaking up and telling the truth. It's as if this porn fact never even existed. There are a few more sordid stories about the people who lived there before the porn people. And none of this was mentioned in facebook either. There were all kinds of things mentioned that never really happened, including the ghost stories. But the one thing of significance...at least I would think it's significant if they made well known porn films in a home I'd just purchased...was not even mentioned in jest.
And this only proves my basic belief that a good deal of history is rewritten and interpreted in order to suit other peoples needs. In A YOUNG WIDOW'S PROMISE, which will be released on Oct. 28th, there were a few scenes where I was tempted to write that the main character served cold iced tea on a hot day. But when I researched iced tea, I found that it wasn't actually popular until later. It was only by a small margin; we're talking a few years. But I wanted to be accurate, so I left the iced tea out and she served cold well water instead...playing it safe.
I know this is a small detail. Most people probably wouldn't even care. But who really knows for sure? She could have been serving cool tea. It could have been an old secret family recipe. Maybe not iced tea in the heat of summer. But she could have kept strong tea at room temperature and added cold well water. However, it's not a chance I wanted to take, not even by a small margin. But if I had, I'd like to see someone argue the point with me. I did take a few liberties in some places and I'm curious to see how they are received/interpreted.
Yes, there are certain facts when it comes to writing historicals that must be adhered to. If not, the reader winds up laughing (or insulted) instead of being educated (and entertained). And one of the most difficult things about writing historical erotic romance is that no one can prove or disprove something did or didn't exist with regard to sex, especially homosexual sex. At least I don't think they can, unless they have some kind of private inside knowledge as to what actually happened inside someone's bedroom. I found a few flaws in Brokeback Mountain. As I gay man, I knew there were certains scenes that would not have happened during that time period. But it worked; most people didn't care. And the author garnered a lot of praise for the book.
I've learned to read these things with an open mind. I know the historical types would disagree with me. They seem to believe that all history was reported with absolute accuracy and there are no gray areas. In some cases they might be correct. But in many cases I doubt it; I don't trust it. I honestly believe that it's part of human nature to cover up and change things as we go along, which makes it virtually impossible to really know what happened in the past.
October 22, 2011
Safe Sex...Defensive Driving
I came upon a good article recently and wanted to share it. It's about safe sex and how important it is to still practice it. Just because there are drugs out there that are keeping people who have HIV alive, doesn't mean all is well and there's nothing to worry about anymore.
These HIV drugs (ARVs) cost thousands of dollars a month even if you have good insurance, and most don't these days. These drugs have endless side effects and people with HIV are on them for the rest of their lives, daily. I have two close friends who are HIV positive and I know this first hand how difficult it is for them.
I also get into this in my next novel, FOUR GAY WEDDINGS AND A FUNERAL, where one partner in a longterm gay relationship is HIV positive and the other isn't. I will get into this in more depth in future posts because I think it's important that people realize it can happen no matter how monogamous you think you are. Your partner might not be.
I always like to think of safe sex the same way I think about defensive driving. Whenever I get into my car, I always drive with the mindset that everyone else on the road is an idiot, that I can't trust them, and that I can't assume they are responsible drivers. And I think the same thing goes for sexual partners.
When it comes to sex, how much are you willing to bare? The decision to bareback is not always easy, especially when the situations and individuals involved change. If you are having anal sex with a steady partner, a regular sex buddy or a number of individuals, chances are you've been faced with the decision of whether to bareback (or have anal sex without a condom) or practice safer sex. That decision can have a lasting effect on your future. Unprotected anal sex can drastically increase your chances of contracting or transmitting HIV and other STDs.
So, why do some men still have unprotected sex? There are a number of possible reasons:
Increased Apathy Over the Transmission of HIV. Some believe the myth that, as a gay man, contracting HIV is nevitable or unavoidable or that the virus can been controlled with advanced HIV medications. HIV is still alive and well and should not be thought of as a long-term illness. Remember, there is no cure for HIV or AIDS and HIV medications do not protect you from the virus.
Anxiety Over Contracting HIV. There are instances of some men either deliberately transmitting the virus or willingly receiving HIV. The terms gift giver and bug chaser are sometimes used to describe these men, respectively. It's theorized that bug chasers willingly attempt to contract HIV due to an overwhelming anxiety over catching the virus. A bug chaser may believe it is just a matter of time before they are infected. This is a false belief. Many gay men live long and healthy lives without contracting HIV.
Both Partners Are HIV Positive. Some HIV positive men believe that since they already have the virus there is no need to have protected sex with another HIV positive man. However, HIV positive men run the risk of reinfection, which occurs when a person living with HIV gets infected a second time while having unprotected sex with another HIV infected person.
Some "Live for the Moment." There are always those that either adopt or already possess fearless "live for the moment" mentalities–accepting whatever consequences may result from their actions. Sure, sex without a condom may increase sensation or feel more spontaneous, but the risks of unprotected sex are far more real and dangerous. A moment of pleasure can lead to a lifetime of illness.
Low Self-Esteem. A person with lower self-esteem can often run the risk of following the direction of a more confident sex partner. Protect your health, even if your partner claims that he can't get erect with a condom on or urges you to have unprotected sex for just a while. Also, keep your own self-confidence in perspective. Thinking you may lose a chance to be with a great guy or that you'll ruin a sensual moment will only put you at increased risk of contracting an STD or HIV. Part of him respecting you and part of you respecting yourself is protecting your health.
Drug Use. Using drugs like ecstasy, viagra or crystal meth can impair judgment and has been shown to increase the chances of having unprotected sex. The moment of a drug high may seem unforgettable, but majority of men remember little, including the sex, after coming down. Don't be caught in a situation where you have to remember an encounter that may have given you an unforgettable disease.
Sure, there are benefits to having bareback anal sex, like increased sensation in the penis, greater feeling of closeness to partners, and increased spontaneous. However, the benefits don't outweigh the potential dangers. Not only is there risk of infecting a partner, but you put yourself at risk, as well.
What If Both Partners Are Negative?
When it comes to barebacking partners should be cautious, even when they are both HIV negative. According to About.com's former HIV/AIDS expert Mark Cichocki, R.N.:
"While it is safe to bareback when both partners are disease free, the key is making sure both partners are disease free. The only way you can be 100% sure that is the case is by getting HIV and STD tests," Mark warns. "You cannot just go on someone's word with this one. Many people don't know they are infected and unfortunately people are not always 100% truthful when it comes to their sexual history."
Monogamy is also an important factor in maintaining a disease-free relationship. Bringing up the topic of monogamy and commitment are not one time couple conversatoins. You have to check in with your man often.
Even in the midst of a good monogamous bond, the headlights of life can blind us from the potential potholes of a relationship. In reality, some (and I stress some, not all) guys do cheat. We hope that they won't, but some do. There are no guarantees and you don't want to be surprised, especially when your health is at risk.
Always keep talks about safer sex and monogamy in your relationship current and relevant. As Mark advises, go get tested together before barebacking. Remember, there are other pesky bugs besides HIV, so get tested for STDs as well. Then, talk about monogamy in your relationship. Be clear about each others' expectations. For the sake of your health, both partners need to be open and honest with each other at all times. Set the tone early and maintain it throughout your relationship.
Even if you aren't in a relationship, you can never be too cautious when it comes to your health. Never simply take someone's word when it comes to STDs or HIV. The risks are too great and are never outweighed by the pleasure of barebacking.
These HIV drugs (ARVs) cost thousands of dollars a month even if you have good insurance, and most don't these days. These drugs have endless side effects and people with HIV are on them for the rest of their lives, daily. I have two close friends who are HIV positive and I know this first hand how difficult it is for them.
I also get into this in my next novel, FOUR GAY WEDDINGS AND A FUNERAL, where one partner in a longterm gay relationship is HIV positive and the other isn't. I will get into this in more depth in future posts because I think it's important that people realize it can happen no matter how monogamous you think you are. Your partner might not be.
I always like to think of safe sex the same way I think about defensive driving. Whenever I get into my car, I always drive with the mindset that everyone else on the road is an idiot, that I can't trust them, and that I can't assume they are responsible drivers. And I think the same thing goes for sexual partners.
When it comes to sex, how much are you willing to bare? The decision to bareback is not always easy, especially when the situations and individuals involved change. If you are having anal sex with a steady partner, a regular sex buddy or a number of individuals, chances are you've been faced with the decision of whether to bareback (or have anal sex without a condom) or practice safer sex. That decision can have a lasting effect on your future. Unprotected anal sex can drastically increase your chances of contracting or transmitting HIV and other STDs.
So, why do some men still have unprotected sex? There are a number of possible reasons:
Increased Apathy Over the Transmission of HIV. Some believe the myth that, as a gay man, contracting HIV is nevitable or unavoidable or that the virus can been controlled with advanced HIV medications. HIV is still alive and well and should not be thought of as a long-term illness. Remember, there is no cure for HIV or AIDS and HIV medications do not protect you from the virus.
Anxiety Over Contracting HIV. There are instances of some men either deliberately transmitting the virus or willingly receiving HIV. The terms gift giver and bug chaser are sometimes used to describe these men, respectively. It's theorized that bug chasers willingly attempt to contract HIV due to an overwhelming anxiety over catching the virus. A bug chaser may believe it is just a matter of time before they are infected. This is a false belief. Many gay men live long and healthy lives without contracting HIV.
Both Partners Are HIV Positive. Some HIV positive men believe that since they already have the virus there is no need to have protected sex with another HIV positive man. However, HIV positive men run the risk of reinfection, which occurs when a person living with HIV gets infected a second time while having unprotected sex with another HIV infected person.
Some "Live for the Moment." There are always those that either adopt or already possess fearless "live for the moment" mentalities–accepting whatever consequences may result from their actions. Sure, sex without a condom may increase sensation or feel more spontaneous, but the risks of unprotected sex are far more real and dangerous. A moment of pleasure can lead to a lifetime of illness.
Low Self-Esteem. A person with lower self-esteem can often run the risk of following the direction of a more confident sex partner. Protect your health, even if your partner claims that he can't get erect with a condom on or urges you to have unprotected sex for just a while. Also, keep your own self-confidence in perspective. Thinking you may lose a chance to be with a great guy or that you'll ruin a sensual moment will only put you at increased risk of contracting an STD or HIV. Part of him respecting you and part of you respecting yourself is protecting your health.
Drug Use. Using drugs like ecstasy, viagra or crystal meth can impair judgment and has been shown to increase the chances of having unprotected sex. The moment of a drug high may seem unforgettable, but majority of men remember little, including the sex, after coming down. Don't be caught in a situation where you have to remember an encounter that may have given you an unforgettable disease.
Sure, there are benefits to having bareback anal sex, like increased sensation in the penis, greater feeling of closeness to partners, and increased spontaneous. However, the benefits don't outweigh the potential dangers. Not only is there risk of infecting a partner, but you put yourself at risk, as well.
What If Both Partners Are Negative?
When it comes to barebacking partners should be cautious, even when they are both HIV negative. According to About.com's former HIV/AIDS expert Mark Cichocki, R.N.:
"While it is safe to bareback when both partners are disease free, the key is making sure both partners are disease free. The only way you can be 100% sure that is the case is by getting HIV and STD tests," Mark warns. "You cannot just go on someone's word with this one. Many people don't know they are infected and unfortunately people are not always 100% truthful when it comes to their sexual history."
Monogamy is also an important factor in maintaining a disease-free relationship. Bringing up the topic of monogamy and commitment are not one time couple conversatoins. You have to check in with your man often.
Even in the midst of a good monogamous bond, the headlights of life can blind us from the potential potholes of a relationship. In reality, some (and I stress some, not all) guys do cheat. We hope that they won't, but some do. There are no guarantees and you don't want to be surprised, especially when your health is at risk.
Always keep talks about safer sex and monogamy in your relationship current and relevant. As Mark advises, go get tested together before barebacking. Remember, there are other pesky bugs besides HIV, so get tested for STDs as well. Then, talk about monogamy in your relationship. Be clear about each others' expectations. For the sake of your health, both partners need to be open and honest with each other at all times. Set the tone early and maintain it throughout your relationship.
Even if you aren't in a relationship, you can never be too cautious when it comes to your health. Never simply take someone's word when it comes to STDs or HIV. The risks are too great and are never outweighed by the pleasure of barebacking.
