Rachel Kramer Bussel's Blog, page 123

I'm not a full-time writer, but I aspire to be

What do I tell those questioning souls who email me for advice? I tell them all the same thing and, oddly enough, not one of them has ever written me back to thank me. I guess I didn't tell them what they wanted to hear. But here is what I tell them: read a lot. Read everything. Read in the genre you want to write, yes, but also read outside of it. And write. For the love of all that is holy, write your ass off. Don't write erotic romance because it's the hot new (old) genre right now. Don't write horror because you have a lifelong crush on Stephen King (I did and I do). Don't write children's books because they're short and therefore must be easy to write. Write what you love to read. Write what inspires you and makes your heart go pitter-pat. Write the story you're carrying around in your secret heart even if it doesn't fit into any genre category. Write without thinking about the money, because the money might be years in coming if it comes at all. Hell, write without thinking about who might read what you're writing. Write to please yourself. To turn yourself on. To scare yourself with how far off the deep end you've gone. Write with your real name at the top of the page, to remind you of who you are, not who you want other people to think you are. Forget about finding an agent or submitting your manuscript to a publisher until you actually have a manuscript to submit-- a manuscript that has been written, edited and proofread, then read by a few trusted souls and edited again. A beautiful, as good as it can get manuscript that is representative of your very best work as a professional writer. Don't have that yet? Then you're not a writer.

I love Kristina Wright's post at Erotica Readers & Writers Association, where the quote above comes from, and the kicker is at the end:

Oh, and one last thing: that word-- aspiring? It's bullshit. You either are a writer or you're not. Which are you?

Actually, part of me hated it, because she's dead right, and I saw my failures writ large there. Who the fuck am I to call myself a writer when I only do it when I "feel like it?" When things get rough I open another document or window, to the point that my boyfriend was horrified at how slow my computer was moving. "You should only have five Word documents open at a time. Macs don't like Word." Mine must despise me because a typical day means 12 open Word documents, about 20 open Firefox tabs and 5-10, sometimes more, in Safari. I'm a greedy hoarder in every aspect of my life. One is never, ever enough. Focus? Ha ha ha. Give me some Vyvanse and then maybe we can talk about focus, but that would require health insurance, which I hope to have again one day soon, but I have more pressing financial concerns right now (see below).

I never thought I could be a writer, not really, and back when I was young and naive and didn't know a thing about work or interest or the cost of living in New York City or what lawyers did all day, back when I was all of twenty years old, I decided to go to law school. How else would I afford to live in New York? That wasn't actually what I thought--I really did want to be a law geek--but it became the reality. Almost 16 years later, I still have no idea how I can afford to live in New York. My rent was due yesterday and I will tack on $25 because it's late as I wait for checks and payments I hope are coming soon. No matter how many books come out with my name on the cover as editor (it'll be 50 by the end of this year), I am still paying and learning, figuring it out second by second.

Many days? I'm so NOT a writer it's not even funny. I may as well take a hammer to my laptop, destroy it because I am not even attempting because I'm so damn positive I'll fail. I have 90% finished stories, books, essays, that are effectively dead, because I killed them by never sending them in. That makes it hard to hear words coming out of my mouth in public, as I will do tonight at Bluestockings and did Saturday at ASJA. Talking about writing is a surefire way to induce guilt when you're not writing but are supposed to sound "smart" or "successful" or anything you're supposed to project but don't believe yourself to be in that moment. Don't get me wrong--I work hard...sometimes. When I want it bad enough. When I'm excited enough. When I can shut out everyone and everything else. And those times are rejuvenating and make me a believer in myself as a writer again, but when those times are less and less frequent, when I don't sit my ass in a chair and stay the course when it's not easy, when I don't want to be there? That's a flighty hot mess right there, and makes me visualize failure more than I ever could success. It's like warring factions, the part of me that wants to "make it" (whatever that means, though I have a few goals) and the part of me that, apparently, doesn't. I'll hear myself saying, to strangers or friends, "I have this idea for..." and then balk at the emptiness of those words I've said in about a 10:1 ratio of actually doing anything about them. Lurking beneath them is a certainty that someone else--anyone else--will do it better, smarter, faster, so why bother?

But the thing is, even if it's just in my fantasies, I love writing. I love the coming up with new ideas. I love the pair of shoes or kiss or subway station or airplane waiting room or nail polish cover or orgasm or scream or bite that inspires the start of a story. Maybe it's the title or the setting or an image. So maybe I lied and I just love the beginning, the brainstorm, and the rest I slog through. I don't know. I just know it feels amazing to see that initial vision through to completion. I'm reading Jonathan Gottschall's The Storytelling Animal and I love his reminder, so far, about how universal the need for stories are. I don't know why I need to write them, but I do, and I know I feel hollow and disgusting and unworthy when I have those ideas and deliberately don't write them.

So I'm the last person to ask about being a full-time writer. I have no idea and cobble together each day moment by moment. I have an event I'm going to that I hope pans out, because I can already see that story in my head, but it's journalism, so in fact, I have to erase that story I think I want to tell and empty my mind and sit and listen, as hard as I possibly can. To use all my senses and not create a story but figure out what story is being told to me. Sometimes that's my job, and once in a while, I'm good at it. I hope to up that from "once in a while" to "enough to go to bed happy and proud every night." And maybe that's what my current "job" is, in between the blogging and editing and finagling and book mailing and all the other things that are not writing. I love those things too, but they can't supplant the words.

Upcoming events: Vagina cupcakes with Diana Cage, art stars with Reverend Jen, BEA signings and Hotel sex stories

A few upcoming events:

May 2, 7 pm
Mind-Blowing Sex Talk with Diana Cage and Rachel Kramer Bussel and free vagina cupcakes
Yes, my worlds are merging - get your free vagina cupcakes and come listen to Mindblowing Sex author Diana Cage and me talking about all things sex, along with Curvy Girls and whatever else comes up. Ask us anything!
Bluestockings, 72 Allen Street, NYC

May 19, 8 pm
Assdance Literary NightPushcart Coffee (221 East Broadway, take ‘F’ to E. Bway.) (646) 398-7415, Assdance “Literary” Night – Assdance takes a break from the moving pictures for a night of readings and live music, featuring writers Rachel Kramer Bussel, Reverend Jen, Zoe Hansen, Mr. Lower East Side 2012 Mr. Jason “J-Boy” Thompson and more, including live music from Assdance special guest star, Dusty Santamaria who will be coming all the way from Portland, OR to perform at all of the festivities. Free Admission. See revjen.wordpress.com for more information.

June 5, 11:30 am-12:30 pm Book Expo America signing
At Table 13; I'm signing at the Cleis Press booth from 2-3 pm. Get your free copy of Suite Encounters! See bookexpoamerica.com for full schedule. Javits Center.

June 8, 7 pm
Suite Encounters: Hotel Sex Stories reading
Suite Encounters features hotel erotica in all its forms, from honeymooners having sex on the beach to loving couples on vacation to coworkers heading downtown for secret quickies, not to mention exhibitionist thrills (and chills) of getting it on in the pool on the roof at The Standard Hotel in front of everyone! The award-winning editor of the Best Sex Writing series, among many others, Rachel Kramer Bussel knows the winning formula of stories of sex in every possible setting — luxury hotels, seedy motels, spas, SRO’s and everything in between. Free cupcakes! FREE
Bluestockings, 72 Allen Street, NYC

Last day for your FREE ebook erotica

Today, April 30th, is the last day (I think) to get your 4 free erotic books from Mischief Books. The books are: A Study in Shame by Lucy Salisbury, Sisters in Sin by Primula Bond and the anthologies At Your Mercy: Tales of Domination (which features my restaurant kitchen BDSM story "Stranded") and Submission: A Treasury of Women who Like to Give In . Available absolutely free on Kindle (Amazon US or Amazon UK) and Nook! And no, you do not need a Kindle or Nook to read these, just a smartphone or computer! The Amazon links are where the titles above take you; if you're using Nook or in the UK, just search for the title at Bn.com (Nook) or Amazon UK (Kindle).

My erotic writing tips from my ASJA panel

For what it's worth, my handout from the ASJA (American Society of Journalists and Authors) Conference on Saturday, for our sex writing panel. I was asked to talk about submitting and publishing erotica. If I have time soon I'd love to post about the stories that have stood out for me, but I'm wrapping up Best Bondage Erotica 2013 and Best Sex Writing 2013 this week (deadline is tomorrow!) and doing some writing of my own. Definitely, as per below, "Chemistry" by Velvet Moore from Orgasmic is one I talk about all the time, and "Runner's Calves" by Sommer Marsden in Curvy Girls was also a standout amidst a sea of submissions that took "curvy" to mean one thing and one thing only. Creativity is the thing I look for most especially with a themed anthology, and you'll get lots of examples in December when Best Bondage Erotica 2013 is out. And obviously take it all with a grain of salt; I'm just one person with one opinion, so what works with me might not work with other editors, though I think it's pretty sound advice.

Getting Your Erotic Stories Published

Tips from Rachel Kramer Bussel

1. Know your markets. There's erotic romance, BDSM erotica, paranormal erotica, GLBT erotica, longer stories (4,000+ words), shorter stories (1,200 words or less).

2. Follow the guidelines. My most important advice is to follow the guidelines exactly. If you have a question, ask before submitting. Don't assume an editor will make an exception for you. Every editor has different needs (snail mail vs. email, formatting, word count).

3. Use language you're comfortable with. Don't try to sound "porny" or like what you think erotica should sound like. Use the words for body parts and sex acts that sound natural to you, or that your characters would genuinely use.

4. Erotica needs a beginning, middle and end. An erotica story is first and foremost a story. It needs a beginning, middle and end, plus who, what, when, where and why, so your story isn’t simply "people having sex." Make the reader care about your characters from the first sentence.

5. Use your unique knowledge. Here I don't mean sexual experience, but knowledge of the world. Do you play golf, chess, knit, ski? Have you traveled the world? Do you know the ins and outs of a courtroom or a gym or a startup? Set stories in locations other authors probably won't. Try to eroticize a setting most people wouldn't normally think of as "sexy." (See "Chemistry" by Velvet Moore in Orgasmic).

6. Research. The Internet is your friend. Research everything from wardrobe to sex toys to places you've never been (I once incorporated fire eating into a story and I will never eat fire). Often simply browsing images online may spark ideas.

7. Think like an editor. Picture an editor receiving 100 stories on the same theme. What will make yours stand out? Maybe it's setting, location, type of character, POV, tense, prop, etc.

Resource: Erotic Writers & Readers Association, http://www.erotica-readers.com - lists numerous public calls for submissions, hosts mailing lists, offers galleries you can submit to

A wonderful night for Best Sex Writing 2012 at my favorite bookstore, Housing Works

What an amazing, packed night at Housing Works Bookstore Cafe last night for Best Sex Writing 2012 ! I was blown away by the turnout, since, it being New York City, a bunch of other cool readings were also happening at the same time. THANK YOU to everyone who came out, ate cupcakes, asked questions and were so interested in our topic. I hope many of you will submit to Best Sex Writing 2013; the deadline is Tuesday, May 1st, and it's shaping up to be another very smart collection. Here's a recap by Capital New York; I loved that Village Voice staff writer Camille Dodero not only told us how her article "Guys Who Like Fat Chicks" came about, but brought its star up to the stage to give his side.




Housing Works made a sex books table for us!


They also had a special where if you joined Housing Works (which I recommend; I use my membership all the time for a discount) you could get any of these books free: Best Sex Writing 2012 or Taschen's The Big Book of Breasts or The Big Penis Book


Back row L to R: Abby Tallmer, Amanda Marcotte, Ellen Friedrichs, Rachel Kramer Bussel
Front row L to R: Rachel Rabbit White, Camille Dodero, Joan Price
And no, it's not all white ladies in my book nor do I want it to be, so see the guidelines above and SUBMIT! I also very much welcome suggestions and recommendations, and I accept published and unpublished submisisons.

Housing Works Best Sex Writing 2012 reading

Housing Works is my very favorite bookstore I've ever been to. I love all the galleys they have, I love the atmosphere, I love that I often run into people I know, I love that it's a nonprofit and I'm very excited to be hosting such an amazing lineup. The official Facebook invitation is here if you want to let anyone know about this special event with free cupcakes and below the listing are the titles and links, where applicable, of what you'll be hearing, along with some probing questions by me and a Q&A by the audience. See you there!

Wednesday, April 25 at 7:00 pm Best Sex Writing 2012 readingJoin Best Sex Writing 2012 editor Rachel Kramer Bussel and contributors Camille Dodero, Ellen Friedrichs, Lynn Harris, Amanda Marcotte, Joan Price, Abby Tallmer, and Rachel Rabbit White for readings from this year's collection of the best journalism and essays about sexuality and a Q&A on wide-ranging topics, include SlutWalks, aging and sexuality, teenagers and sex laws, dating sites for people with STDs, drag shows, men who prefer fat women, and the gentrification of the West Village. Free and free cupcakes. Housing Works Bookstore Cafe proceeds go toward the fight to end AIDS and homelessness. Housing Works Bookstore Cafe, 126 Crosby Street, NYC
B/D/F/M to Broadway/Lafayette
212-334-3324

What you'll hear from (though it's possible I may not be able to resist one last public reading of "Adrian’s Penis: Care and Handling" by Adrian Colesberry):

"Sluts, Walking" by Amanda Marcotte (original to Best Sex Writing 2012)

"Grief, Resilience, and My 66th Birthday Gift" by Joan Price (excerpted from her book Naked at Our Age )

"Latina Glitter" by Rachel Rabbit White

"Dating with an STD" by Lynn Harris

"Guys Who Like Fat Chicks" by Camille Dodero

"Losing the Meatpacking District: A Queer History of Leather Culture" by Abby Tallmer (original to Best Sex Writing 2012)

"Penis Gagging, BDSM, and Rape Fantasy: The Truth about Kinky Sexting" by Rachel Kramer Bussel

"The Continuing Criminalization of Teen Sex" by Ellen Friedrichs (original to Best Sex Writing 2012)

Mommy blogger sex diary

This week's sex diary (I'm the editor): "The Single Mommy Blogger Having Sex on Office Tabletops".

Enjoy! And if you want to write an anonymous sex diary for Daily Intel or know someone who'd be a good candidate, contact me at sexdiaries at nymag.com and tell me why you'd be a good one (or pass on the link above).

My oral sex and Prince Albert genital piercing story "New Additions" in Going Down

My story "New Additions" is my contribution to my about-to-be-published (like any day) anthology Going Down: Oral Sex Stories . It's not true, but it is inspired by a long-ago night at a Brooklyn bar that I think no longer exists, and a certain piercing. Here's a sneak peek:

New Additions
Rachel Kramer Bussel

“You have to see Derek’s cock,” Rosie whispered into my ear as soon as I sat down next to her in the booth at our local bar. He was up at the bar, and I checked out his faded jeans, the frayed denim showing off what I knew was his firm ass from afternoons around their apartment building’s communal pool.

I’d never seen it in person, but I’d heard all about it and seen a photo of it in one of Rosie’s overeager moments. They are a model couple, and her regaling me with their sexual exploits keeps my workaholic life interesting when I have the occasional dry spell. “What do you mean?” I whispered back, smiling as she placed her hand on my knee. We have a touchy-feely friendship, one that sometimes is a little more on the touchy side. Sometimes we’re best friends who can never get enough gossip, and sometimes we’re so hot for each other that she banishes Derek from the bedroom and we toss each other around and go to town. We’ve danced around the idea of having a threesome, but so far it’s only been talk. “Go ask him. Tell him I said to show it to you.” She raised her finely penciled-in brown eyebrows, as if daring me. I grinned back at her, because I can never resist a dare, which is how the two of us have done things like skinny-dip in multiple hotel pools, upload topless photos of each other to various websites and, once, snorted lines of coke off a B-list celebrity’s cock. It’s not that I’m normally so buttoned-up, but being around her makes me feel like we’re facing our very last day on earth and not living it to its fullest would be a crime. She’s her own kind of drug, and I know when I go out with her there’s no point in saying no. I could, of course, and she’d accept my limits, but when I get together with Rosie, I know that I don’t want to have any limits.

So I stood up, my sheer gray tank top not doing much to disguise my white bra strap. My heels were my true concession to fashion, and my skintight jeans pressing against my pussy made it feel as if I wasn’t wearing panties. The denim sliding against my wet lips made the few steps more fun than they should have been. I sauntered up to the bar just as the bartender poured three glowing blue beverages into martini glasses. “I vant to see your cock,” I said in a poor mockery of a Dracula German accent.

“You want to suck my cock?” he asked, turning around and beaming heat right at me. There’s been a spark between Derek and me since he and Rosie started dating, one we’ve never deliberately discussed, preferring instead to let its glow fuel our separate endeavors. “I don’t know,” I said, letting my voice go soft and sex kitten. “I was just told I’m supposed to see it. What’d you do to it?”

“She didn’t tell you, huh?” he asked, tossing bills onto the bar before raising one of the glasses and bringing it to my lips. His blue eyes, framed by lush, elegant supermodel-worthy lashes, were on me, as I parted my lips and let him pour some of the liquid down my throat.

“I guess not.” I waited for him to share his secret, but he just kept pouring, and I had to swallow in a certain way so as not to let the blue dribble down my throat.

“Shall we?” he asked, grabbing my hand and leading me toward the unisex bathroom. This bar specialized in drinks that start at fifteen dollars, in red-velvet-lined banquettes that were easy to cozy up against.

I took a peek back at Rosie, who smiled at me as I entered the bathroom with Derek. This was something new for all of us, and if they were willing to go with it, so was I.

Read the whole thing in Going Down: Oral Sex Stories .It'll be out this month and you can pre-order it at: Amazon

Kindle (ebook) (pre-order now, on sale May 1)

Bn.com

Nook (ebook) (pre-order now, on sale May 1)

Powell's

Books-A-Million

IndieBound (find your local independent bookstore)

Cleis Press[image error]

Sleepless in Seattle

I have so many things I want to say, yet I feel the pressure of my last day in Seattle before I head home looming, even though it's 5:47 am. I woke up from a dream, I'm not even sure which one. Before I went to bed I was reading about the new book The Storytelling Animal by Jonathan Gottschall and here's what he says about dreams in an interview (see also his FAQ):

Are dreams a form of storytelling?Yes, they are. Dreams are, like children's make-believe, a natural and reflexive form of storytelling. Researchers conventionally define dreams as "intense sensorimotor hallucinations with a narrative structure." Dreams are, in effect, night stories: they focus on a protagonist--usually the dreamer--who struggles to achieve desires. Researchers can't even talk about dreams without dragging in the basic vocabulary of English 101: plot, theme, character, scene, setting, point of view, perspective. The most conservative estimates suggest that we dream in a vivid, story-like way for more than six solid years out of a seventy-year lifespan. So dreams are definitely part of the evolutionary riddle of storytelling.

The last time I stayed in this guest room I had a dream and I thought it explained my whole world. Then, too, I woke up in the five a.m. range and I made a phone call and there was this synergy, I thought. We were dreaming about it other so it's meant to be. And now, back to the future, I'm torn between wondering if anything about that was meant to be or whether it's time just passed. Seattle and 2012 have forced me to keep questioning the meaning of those dreams, that connection that I was so reluctant to let go of, I clung to it with a death grip. Love, or what sometimes passes for it, will do that to you.

But now I'm flying home to this other kind of love, one that expands my world, infinitely, not limits it. It's still something I am getting used to, but that is such an essential part of my life, already. It's not that we are some grand cosmic greatest love of all. I don't think either of us tells ourselves that. It is beautiful and magical and special and also simple. There really isn't drama. The biggest "fight" we've had so far is over me wanting to know what kind of candy to buy him at a store and him wanting to tease me by making me guess. I don't have expectations or delusions, I don't think, but I certainly tell myself stories about our future, some of them grandiose, some that I hope will come true. I think the biggest difference between then and now is that I can play an active role in making them come true. I'm not just dreaming, I'm doing it. I'm doing everything I can to make sure I devote as much of myself as I can to our relationship, not because I "have" to or am worried that if I don't it'll fall apart, but because I want to. I like it. I like that when all hell is breaking loose in the rest of my life I know he will make me feel like it will be okay, and it makes the concept of home for me a little more expansive.

Being away from him has been harder than I thought it would be, but I'm grateful for that. Navigating my way to cities new and old, on buses, planes, trains and by foot, wandering and exploring and visiting and laughing with kids and adults and cats and dogs has been as eye-opening as exploring Oahu on my own. I love traveling, and I don't want the stresses of this trip to kill that wanderlust, but I think they have transformed it a bit. I've learned I can't do everything, I need breaks and rest and recuperation to recharge. I just got The Mindful Writer by Dinty W. Moore, of Brevity and other fame, at the wonderful Elliott Bay Books (I requested it and they got it for me in 2 days!) and am looking forward to learning from it:

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Sex diary: panties, pee, hotel sex, phone sex and more!

This week's sex diary: "The Female Attorney Overnighting Her Panties to Her Lover" - this week's is very lively, and I've got some fascinating ones lined up soon, including parent sex. Yes, parents have sex. I'm sure you know that, but I like to read about it. Interested in writing an anonymous sex diary? I'm the editor, and you can email me at sexdiaries at nymag.com and tell me why you'd make a great candidate. Or just enjoy the diaries, and the comments! Seriously, and this is me speaking as a reader, not an editor, the comments are hilarious, like this one: "3. Regarding you getting excited over your divorce so you can be with this Miami dude...you are on some fairy princess la la la bullshit right now. You can name all the ingredients of a bag of Funyons quicker than you can tell me one damn thing about this cat. Everything you know about him you Facebook stalked. It's funny, but you're grown enough to know there are other fish in the sea and sh*t so I imagine you know you're on that Tinkerbell bullshit too."[image error]