R.J. Keller's Blog, page 24

Tax Day

An Open Letter To the State of Maine:

Dear Sirs and Madams,

My husband and I owe a little over $100 in taxes to the State of Maine. The check is made out and I was just getting ready to take it to the post office. Then I remembered something: It is legal for TANF (Temporary Assistance for Needy Families / a.k.a. welfare) recipients to purchase alcohol and tobacco products with their welfare / a.k.a. my tax money. I think I’ll save myself a stamp and buy my TANF-receiving neighbor a couple carton o

A loss of faith in humanity

I worked graveyard again last night. At about three this morning, a girl (not quite 20 years old) came into the store, having been driven by her sister. She was in labor (in labor!!!) and she felt it necessary to make a stop on the way to buy herself a pack of smokes. On her welfare card. I have been seriously depressed about it ever since.

An educational post

So, it’s official. My doctor told me this morning that I am a caffeine addict.

It’s not the first time she’s told me this, actually. Every time I go in she encourages me to stop drinking coffee, or to at least cut down on it. I’ve always looked on this advice as something doctors are Supposed To Say to each of their patients, in the same way I tell my kids each day to clean their rooms, and therefore I have always ignored it.

Apparently she really did mean that I should cut down on my caffeine int

Exhaustion

Yes, my dears, I’m still tap-tap-tapping out my screenplay, still getting very little sleep, and still drinking too much coffee. The good news is that I have taken several showers since we last spoke, so that’s an improvement.

Also, I managed to pound out the first of many week-in-review type posts for Publishing Renaissance. Check it out.

Frenzy update

I promised updates on my screenwriting progress during April’s Script Frenzy frenzy.

I’ve slept an average of 4 hours a night since this began. My head hurts. I’m out of coffee. I’m almost out of dark chocolate covered espresso beans. I forgot to shower yesterday. But as of this morning I’ve got 27/100 pages written (it’ll probably be closer to 120 pages, or a two hour screenplay, when all is said and done). And I think I’ve finally got a handle on how to adapt my bohemoth novel into a two-hour m

Awk-ward!

You may have noticed that there’s been a lack of all things convenience store related here at Da Blog in the past few weeks. Well, there’s a reason for that. It seems that recently, more and more of my townsfolk (and thus my customers) have become aware of Kel The Convenience Store Clerk’s superhero alter-ego, aka R.J. Keller, and thus have begun to Google said pseudonym. I’m waiting for the initial hullabaloo to die down before continuing my faithful reporting on the topic, since I like being a

Today the glass is half empty

Poets often laud spring as a beautiful season, alive with new possibilities and promise. April showers bringing may flowers, apple blossoms glistening star like in the morning mist, love flourishing midst the woodland animals. That kind of crap.

These poets have obviously never spent the springtime month of April in Maine. Because in Maine April is a grey, filthy, depressing month. One filled with showers, yes, but the kind that bring mud long before flowers; the kind that fill bogs and swamps wi

Publishing Renaissance changes and some Frenzy

For those of you who follow the goings-on at Publishing Renaissance, you may be interested to check out some of the exciting new changes that are afoot there.

Changing of the guard.
Changes afoot.

Oh…and we were mentioned on April Hamilton’s 10 Best Blogs for Indie Authors! We’re wicked excited about that!

In other news, I’m going to be participating in Script Frenzy again, a “write 100 pages of a screenplay in 30 days” challenge. April 1-30. This year’s script? You guessed it. I’m going to be wo

A side order of weird

Last night at work, a customer called me “hot,” and he did it without a trace of irony or jest. I suppose I should take it as compliment, because it is a compliment. But he’s only 19. He’s literally half my age. He’s only five years older than my son. Technically speaking, I could have given birth to the guy. So instead of feeling flattered, all I could think was, “Ick!” I didn’t say it, naturally. Actually, I don’t remember what I said. But I’m pretty sure it wasn’t “Ick.”

Everything I need to know I learned from The Princess Bride

Love requires absolute devotion.

“As you wish.”

But sometimes a little bit of healthy cynicism is a good thing.

“Hold it, hold it. What is this? Are you trying to trick me? Is this a kissing book?”

Patience is a virtue.

“You rush a miracle man, you get rotten miracles.”

Be sure to get a detailed job description.

“You never said anything about killing anyone.”

Always keep a holocaust cloak handy.

“Oh, what I wouldn’t give for a holocaust cloak.”

 Scientists must be watched closely. Very closely.

“As you kno