Karen DeBonis's Blog, page 2
October 24, 2024
I won't gloat. Will you?
Extending an election season olive branchThis post is not about politics per se. I’m not going to name names or parties or colors. I’m not going to say who I’ll vote for in the 2024 US presidential election on November 5 or comment on who you may vote for.
It’s not even the type of post that I’ll typically write here.
But I feel compelled to write about compassion and empathy and humanity in the midst of this chaotic, scary, angry political season.
It feels urgent to say that, if my “team” wins, I will not gloat.
Gloating is off my table.To gloat is to "observe or think about something with triumphant and often malicious satisfaction, gratification, or delight.”
It’s so tempting, right? It would feel sooo good.
Privately, you can observe or think whatever you like, and thumb your nose at whomever you choose. Overtly and publicly exulting in their loss, however, is mean-spirited. Hurtful.
I’m less concerned about our elected officials, by the way, and more focused on the electorate—our neighbors and friends and family whose team loses.
When the stakes are as high as they are in 2024 America, losing the election will open a gaping wound in the hearts of half of our population.
Does it feel good to pour on the Morton’s and, like a mortar and pestle, grind away?
That’s not me, and I bet it’s not you. To hurt the hurting is to dehumanize them.
To hurt the hurting is to dehumanize them.Here’s Brene Brown’s take on dehumanization:
It “often starts with creating an enemy image. As we take sides, lose trust, and get angrier and angrier, we not only solidify an idea of our enemy, but also start to lose our ability to listen, communicate, and practice even a modicum of empathy.”
Sound familiar? I must hear or read a version of the “enemy image” 50 times a day on one device or another, as well as billboards and yard signs. Big and little players on each team are both prey and predator.
It’s easy to believe only “they” engage in this behavior. “Not me,” we declare, offended at the very thought.
But, according to Lizabeth Roemer, Ph.D. and Josh Bartok in Psychology Today:
“Recognizing a tendency in ourselves to see others whose actions we object to as less than fully human can help us interrupt cycles of violence and retaliation.”
I’ll emphasize that last statement:
We can interrupt cycles of violence and retaliation.
Seeing the humanity of individuals is a violence-interrupter.Gloating over the losing team is not going to make them slink away in shame. They will dig in their heels, refuse to open their minds, and the cycle will repeat every four years. If our democracy survives.
I’m not naive. I read about the haters and extremists on both sides who would skip the Mortons and grab a sack of rock-sized sea salt to inflict more damage.
Aside from that noisy minority, however, the rest of us are people with hearts who care about others and who don’t like to see anyone suffer, even if they oppose us politically.
If I’m jumping for joy because my candidate wins, I’m going to remember that a beautiful individual with a heart and soul is crushed and in pain. If I’m crying with relief, I’m going to think of the people who live on my street, shop in the same grocery store as me, work out at the same gym, who are weeping in distress. They fear for their livelihood, their communities, their future.
If my team wins, I may be confident that our country is on the right track, but fans of the other team will wring their hands as they imagine our collective demise.
Regardless of who wins, things will get ugly. But by engaging in this simple act of radical resistance—refusing to gloat—I’ll be doing my small part to bring healing to our country.
If you don’t believe me that healing is possible, that we can, indeed, find common ground, I invite you to watch this three-minute video:
I don’t know if I’m courageous enough to stand with haters like Daryl Davis does. I’m conflict-averse on a good day, so the vitriol of politics makes me want to hide in my basement. I’m terrified about our future if my team loses, and I hope I don’t have to write a post about that scenario.
Whatever the outcome, I will remember our shared humanity. You and me—we’re in this together. There’s much we can’t control, but kindness and compassion will get my vote every time.
What about you?
MEMOIR INFO AND NEWSGrowth: A Mother, Her Son, and the Brain Tumor They Survived.Medical gaslighting and a mother’s people-pleasing collide, shattering her expectations of motherhood and threatening the survival of her young son.
Click here for purchase linksKaren is a happily married, slightly frazzled working mother of two when her eight-year-old son, Matthew, develops a strange eye-rolling tic. Gradually, her high-energy kid becomes clumsy and lethargic, her “Little Einstein” a gifted program dropout. Karen knows something is wrong. But she can't get anyone to listen and lacks the backbone to crack the resistance. After three exhausting, desperate years, finally, an MRI reveals the truth: a brain tumor, squishing Matthew's brain into a sliver against his skull. Following a delicate surgery, doctors predict a complete recovery. But the damage from the delayed diagnosis prolongs Matthew's recovery, challenging Karen to grow in ways she never imagined.
A fast-paced page-turner told with candor, insight, and wit, Growth takes you on a rollercoaster of painful truths and hard-won transformations.
Available where books are sold or see purchase links here.
Where to listen to GROWTH on audiobook:More retailers will soon offer my book, so if your favorite listening site isn't included, check back in next month's newsletter.
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October 8, 2024
Another new beginning
Sometimes circumstances force us to grow. Other times, we step out on our own. Either way, personal growth requires fortitudeOctober 2024
Dear friend,
If you find personal growth exhausting but you can’t stop mining life for lessons, you’re in the right place. Each month, I’ll dig into what makes me tick to unearth universal truths for all most many of us. Are you an outlier? I often feel that way. Maybe we have more in common than we think.
Don’t expect treatises or dissertations here. I’m shooting for a 5-minute read. Once a month on a weekday at noon. That’s as committal as I can get right now.
If you like what you read, please give me some love with a heart. Comments are even better because others can share in your aha moments. Of course, if you’d prefer to share a confidential thought only with me, feel free to reply to this email.
BTW—the green button below (and elsewhere) may say “Pledge your support,” but it really means “Sign up” or “Subscribe.” You can “pledge” for free—the only way it will ever be with me—so don’t be shy about clicking.
Freelance WriterFor this inaugural Substack post, I’m sharing my new professional identity: Freelance Writer.
This title sounds more purposeful than Writer or Author, and it reflects my goal going forward: to generate income from my writing.
In 2016, I had to quit working due to chronic health issues. I knew the universe was giving me the gift of time to finish the memoir I’d started around 1999, two years after my son Matthew was diagnosed with a brain tumor.
I’d never been a writer nor planned to be one, but when I accepted the universe’s gift, I embarked on a journey to own the title.
An early version of my business cards.I thought it would take 6 months to finish my book. Seven years later, Growth: A Mother, her Son, and the Brain Tumor They Survived hit the shelves.
Not only was I not drawing a salary during those seven years, but the process of studying my craft dug a deep financial hole. I may never dig myself completely out, but I’d like to throw in a few shovelfuls of sand to pad the bottom.
This year, I’ve sold two essays (neither has gone live yet) and taken on a couple of “beta-editing” clients. I’m also in the process of launching my speaking platform. Maybe that will bring on the dump trucks.
It feels good to earn money. I feel like a professional again. I’m also worn from seven years of intense growth. Part of me looks forward to the day I can write only when it suits me, when I don’t feel internal pressure to keep up with social media, when I don’t have to work so hard.
Someday I’ll get to cruise. Until then, I’m in a season of growth—personal and, I hope, financial.
How do you feel about personal growth, and what does “cruising” mean for you? Let me know in the comments!
The Share GROWTH button below (and elsewhere) allows you to share this post via email, and on Facebook and other social media platforms, etc. Easy sharing is one of the features that drew me to Substack.
Share GROWTH--Make it Personal
MEMOIR INFO & NEWS Growth: A Mother, Her Son, and the Brain Tumor They Survived.Medical gaslighting and a mother’s people-pleasing collide, shattering her expectations of motherhood and threatening the survival of her young son.
Karen is a happily married, slightly frazzled working mother of two when her eight-year-old son, Matthew, develops a strange eye-rolling tic. Gradually, her high-energy kid becomes clumsy and lethargic, her “Little Einstein” a gifted program dropout. Karen knows something is wrong. But she can't get anyone to listen and lacks the backbone to crack the resistance. After three exhausting, desperate years, finally, an MRI reveals the truth: a brain tumor, squishing Matthew's brain into a sliver against his skull. Following a delicate surgery, doctors predict a complete recovery. But the damage from the delayed diagnosis prolongs Matthew's recovery, challenging Karen to grow in ways she never imagined.
A fast-paced page-turner told with candor, insight, and wit, Growth takes you on a rollercoaster of painful truths and hard-won transformations.
Available where books are sold.
Where to listen to GROWTH on audiobook:More retailers will soon offer my book, so if your favorite listening site isn't included, check back in next month's newsletter.
~ ~ ~ ~ ~
This Healing Words podcast interview went live this month. The host, Pamela Nichols was prepared with insightful questions. She really did her homework!
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September 17, 2024
Coming soon
This is GROWTH: Make it Personal.
