Sandra Lee Dennis's Blog, page 3

Betrayal: “The Most Underrated Trauma”

Heartbreak has an archetypal core, all heartbroken individuals suffer from the same kind of torture.—Ginette Paris

When you learn your supposed loving partner or spouse, to whom you have devoted your life, is not at all loving or devoted to you, it is a shock. For some of us the pain sets off a spiritual and existential crisis.

Having your trust shattered by the person you counted on most to be there for you calls into question your very understanding of human nature, of good and evil. If you have been through the soul wreckage of betrayal, you know how difficult it is for anyone who has not to believe what it can do to a person.

Waking to the deception you have been living releases a kind of “time-release poison” into your system that infects all your memories. Without your conscious intention, the brain must slowly, painfully, revise each memory associated with the relationship to fit the actual facts.  The entire context of your past needs rewiring. Even years later, a new memory may be triggered and take you down.

“The Most Difficult of all Woundings”

If you are like me, you will feel vaguely ill, bewildered, as well as enraged and despairing while this adjustment goes on. Each memory that surfaces explodes like a little time bomb that sends shock waves through your body and wrenches you heart. You go for a massage, and sweet love-making that left you so full of warmth and affection comes flooding into memory; but now the memory is saturated with the realization that at the time he was planning his exit or covering up his affair.

The temptation is huge to avoid these torments. Various addictions and distractions will lure you to avoid the somatic distress of dying to your imagined past. As the difficult truth sinks in over and over again, it is important not to make the mistake of glossing over the damage by telling yourself it is no big deal. Your crisis of faith in the goodness of life is real.

There is a reason the betrayal of an intimate attachment has been called “the most difficult of all woundings,” “the most deviant form of attack,” (1) “a wound beyond words,” (2) “an irreparable devaluation,” (3) the most underrated traumatic experience,” (4) as well as “the greatest evil.”(5)  Something in you IS slowly dying. You need to sit with and study it and let it sink in.

I found it difficult to be gentle and patient with myself as I was going through this ordeal that took years. I kept thinking it shouldn’t take so long! I was fortunate to have a lot of help to ride out the shock waves and to learn to patiently take care of myself, like I would a sick child.

If you or someone close to you is going through the aftermath of a traumatic betrayal, I encourage you to educate yourself about PTSD symptoms and to seek out a skilled trauma practitioner to help. Meanwhile, though you likely will not believe me right now, you are in the midst of an unprecedented opening, an initiation into darkness, yes, but also into the mysteries of suffering and compassion, the wonder of your own heart. Hang on.

Related Articles

Great Betrayals by Ana Fels

Detecting Disguised Personality Disorders by Stephen Diamond

Deliver Us: thoughts on evil and psychotherapy by Martha Crawford

How Survivors Define PTSD by Michele Rosenthal

1) Susan Piver,The Wisdom of a Broken Heart, 80.  2) Diane Cousineau Brutsche, “Betrayal of the Self, Self-Betrayal, and the Leap of Trust: The Book of Job, a Tale of Individuation,” in Trust and Betrayal: Dawnings of Consciousness, ed. Isabelle Meier, Stacy Wirth, and John Hill (New Orleans, LA: Spring Journal Books, 2011).  3) Aldo Cartotenuto, To Love, To Betray (Wilmette: IL, 1996), 86.   4) Michael Fox, The Emotional Rape Syndrome (Tucson, AZ: Tucson Publishing, 2001), 2.  5) James  Hillman, quoting Jean Genet, according to Sartre, “Betrayal Part 2 (of 3).” Black Sun Journal (March, 2002). 

 

 

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Betrayal: A Wound Beyond Words

If you have not been through the soul wreckage of an egregious betrayal, it is difficult to believe what the deception does to a person, maybe impossible. Only those who have been there really know.

You will need to seek those people out to make it through the devastation or your sense of isolation and alienation may linger long after you are free from the person who hurt you.

Learning your supposed loving partner or spouse who you have devoted your life to is not at all  loving or devoted to you precipitates an unprecedented physical, emotional and spiritual crisis. For some, it calls into question their understanding of human nature, of good and evil.

The realization that you have been living a lie also causes a bizarre “time-release poison” to infiltrate your nervous system. Without your conscious intention, the brain slowly, painfully, revises each memory associated with that person, along with your sense of yourself in the relationship, to fit the actual facts.

You will likely feel vaguely ill, bewildered, and alternately enraged and despairing while this adjustment proceeds. And it can take years.  Each memory is like a little time bomb that sends shock waves through your body and mind and wrenches you heart.

Be kind and gentle with yourself if you are going through this ordeal. Betrayal has been called “the most difficult of all woundings,” “the most deviant form of attack,” (1) “a wound beyond words,” (2) “an irreparable devaluation,” (3) and the most underrated traumatic experience,” (4) as well as “the greatest evil.” (5)  Do not make the mistake of underestimating the depth of the damage.

I encourage you to seek out a trauma therapist to help you deal with the PTSD that so often emerges.

Meanwhile, be assured, though it does not feel like it now, you are in the midst of an initiation into your depths.  You are poised on a precipice, readying to receive the gifts hidden in this dark undoing.  Hang on for a tumultuous ride.

Related Articles

Great Betrayals by Ana Fels

Detecting Disguised Personality Disorders by Stephen Diamond

Deliver Us: thoughts on evil and psychotherapy by Martha Crawford

How Survivors Define PTSD by Michele Rosenthal

1) Susan Piver,The Wisdom of a Broken Heart, 80.  2) Diane Cousineau Brutsche, “Betrayal of the Self, Self-Betrayal, and the Leap of Trust: The Book of Job, a Tale of Individuation,” in Trust and Betrayal: Dawnings of Consciousness, ed. Isabelle Meier, Stacy Wirth, and John Hill (New Orleans, LA: Spring Journal Books, 2011).  3) Aldo Cartotenuto, To Love, To Betray (Wilmette: IL, 1996), 86.   4) Michael Fox, The Emotional Rape Syndrome (Tucson, AZ: Tucson Publishing, 2001), 2.  5) James  Hillman, quoting Jean Genet, according to Sartre, “Betrayal Part 2 (of 3).” Black Sun Journal (March, 2002). 

 

 

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Betrayal and Deception

The cruelest lies are often told in silence. —Robert Louis Stevenson





A friend asked me recently what I mean when I use the word betrayal. Since I have written a book on the subject, I thought I better sort out a reply. I wrote particularly about betrayal in a love relationship or marriage—a shattering of trust by the one you have been most intimate with and relied on to be there for you.

I had always assumed that we betray when we fail to keep our promises and agreements. I had done that. I knew how bad it felt to be unable to keep your word and to hurt another person as a result, sometimes even for the best of reasons.

After my long-term partner left me shortly before our wedding ceremony, I felt blindsided and betrayed by the broken promises, that was for sure. But the uncharacteristic panic, tears, rage and despair that set in for months, then years, seemed way disproportionate to the event.

I had always been a strong, resilient, competent person and was bewildered to feel so broken for so long. I kept asking myself over and over, “What has happened to me?”

In trying to understand what did happen, I wrote Love and the Mystery of Betrayal and realized there are many shades of betrayal and the distress it causes. Betrayal annihilates trust. The more trust there is to begin with, and the more deception is involved, the more damage is done.  That is why we betray, perhaps most egregiously, when we act as if we are someone we are not, pretend to feel a way we do not, or play out commitment and loyalty when we are not committed or loyal.

In little ways, we all do these things to manage our inter­actions with others. We tell “white lies” in certain situations to save a person’s feelings or our own self-images—but the stakes skyrocket when hypocrisy infiltrates love and loyalty.

A Soul-Shattering Shock

When the person you trust with­holds the truth after having promised to honestly share their thoughts and feelings with you, they create two worlds: theirs, in which they are aware of their opinions, judgments, and struggles concerning you and the relation­ship; and yours, in which you are not. Meditation teacher Susan Piver said we are betrayed when promises, overtly spoken or implied by actions, have been broken—without our participation or even knowing a decision was being considered. Professing devotion and love while carrying on with someone else or planning to exit the relationship are just two examples.

The word betrayal even comes from the Middle English word bitrayen — meaning “mislead, deceive.” Letting someone believe something that is not true—even for what seems like the best of reasons, e.g.,”to protect them”—produces the same result as saying something false: It is the passive version of lying. Being lied to chips away at your soul. This variation on betrayal is not always about infidelity, though it often is.  But it always involves deceit, manipulation, exploitation, and the slow undermining and erosion of your self-confidence and identity that goes with them.

In this way, what looks like an everyday breakup or divorce from the outside can hide months or years of half-truths and withholding. The moment when you finally discover the truth becomes the epicenter of a soul-shattering shock, after which you will never be the same. You need to take special care to recover yourself. Reach out for the help you need to find your way to the deep spiritual healing waiting in the depths of the betrayed heart.

Adapted from  “Love and the Mystery of Betrayal” —now available in print and ebook.

Related Articles

The 5 Stages of Emotional Triage for the Divorced, Betrayed…and Discarded: by Dr. Andra Brosch

Understanding Relationship, Sexual & Intimate Betrayal as Trauma (PTSD): by Robert Weiss,LCSW

A Medea or a Saint: by Cheryl Fuller, Jungian Analyst

Why Lying Broken in a Pile on Your Bedroom Floor is a Good Idea: by Julie (JC) Peters, Yoga teacher

Pathological Lying: A Psychopathic Manipulation Tool: by Healing Journey

 

The post Betrayal and Deception appeared first on .

Betrayal and Deception

A friend asked me recently what I mean when I use the word betrayal. Since I have written a book on the subject, I thought I better sort out a reply. I wrote particularly about betrayal in a love relationship or marriage—a shattering of trust by the one you have been most intimate with and relied on to be there for you.

I had always assumed that we betray when we fail to keep our promises and agreements. I had done that. I knew how bad it felt to be unable to keep your word and to hurt another person as a result, sometimes even for the best of reasons.

After my long-term partner left me shortly before our wedding ceremony, I felt blindsided and betrayed by the broken promises, that was for sure. But the uncharacteristic panic, tears, rage and despair that set in for months, then years, seemed way disproportionate to the event. I had always been a strong, resilient, competent person and was bewildered to feel so broken for so long. I kept asking myself over and over, "What has happened to me?"

In trying to understand what did happen, I wrote Love and the Mystery of Betrayal and realized there are many shades of betrayal and the distress it causes. Betrayal annihilates trust. The more trust there is to begin with, and the more deception is involved, the more damage is done. That is why we betray, perhaps most egregiously, when we act as if we are someone we are not, pretend to feel a way we do not, or play out commitment and loyalty when we are not committed or loyal. In little ways, we all do these things to manage our inter­actions with others. We tell "white lies" in certain situations to save a person's feelings or our own self-images—but the stakes skyrocket when hypocrisy infiltrates love and loyalty.

A Soul-Shattering Shock

When the person you trust with­holds the truth after having promised to honestly share their thoughts and feelings with you, they create two worlds: theirs, in which they are aware of their opinions, judgments, and struggles concerning you and the relation­ship; and yours, in which you are not. Meditation teacher Susan Piver said we are betrayed when promises, overtly spoken or implied by actions, have been broken—without our participation or even knowing a decision was being considered. Professing devotion and love while carrying on with someone else or planning to exit the relationship are just two examples.

The word betrayal even comes from the Middle English word bitrayen — meaning "mislead, deceive." Letting someone believe something that is not true—even for what seems like the best of reasons, e.g.,"to protect them"—produces the same result as saying something false: It is the passive version of lying. Being lied to chips away at your soul. This variation on betrayal is not always about infidelity, though it often is. But it always involves deceit, manipulation, exploitation, and the slow undermining and erosion of your self-confidence and identity that goes with them.

In this way, what looks like an everyday breakup or divorce from the outside can hide months or years of half-truths and withholding. The moment when you finally discover the truth becomes the epicenter of a soul-shattering shock, after which you will never be the same. You need to take special care to recover yourself. Reach out for the help you need to find your way to the deep spiritual healing waiting in the depths of the betrayed heart.

Related Articles
The 5 Stages of Emotional Triage for the Divorced, Betrayed...and Discarded by Dr. Andra Brosch
Understanding Relationship, Sexual & Intimate Betrayal as Trauma (PTSD) by Robert Weiss,LCSW
A Medea or a Saint by Cheryl Fuller, Jungian Analyst
Why Lying Broken in a Pile on Your Bedroom Floor is a Good Idea by Julie (JC) Peters, Yoga teacher

Adapted from “Love and the Mystery of Betrayal” —now available in print and ebook.

Soul Haunting Sex

When two people relate to each other authentically and humanly, God is the electricity that surges between them. —Martin Buber

Sex is a potent mystery that binds and transforms us in ways we cannot anticipate. Sex plants the seed of connection, of love, of an enduring tie we need to come to terms with, whether the relationship continues or not.

If we dig deeply enough, we know that in the caverns of our body soul, we carry traces that tie us to our past and present sexual partners—for better or worse. Maybe it is due to the oxytocin released during warm touching, sex, and especially in orgasm. This is the same hormone that bonds nursing mothers to their babies!

On the surface we may think it is all behind us, but whenever we drop deep enough into ourselves, the sensations and feelings stir. Whether they be positive—delight, joy, longing or attraction; or negative—grief, guilt, anger, or indifference. These sexual imprints bind our energies. At least that has been my experience, which I go into more detail in my book about betrayal in love.

We may not even remember the name of a casual hook-up or hot date, but the imprint of the connection remains, binding us in subtle, subterranean ways to that person. Not to mention a spouse or long-time partner that can positively haunt you. Most people recognize intuitively that, psychologically, there is no such thing as divorce.

Sex as Superglue

Sex is ritual of lasting depth and consequence, despite our culture of casualness. Some people even claim that sex acts like superglue. From this perspective, we leave little bits of ourselves with each of our sexual partners, and his or her essence takes up residence in us. With each partner, we tie up more of our soul forces.

The idea that we drag around torn pieces of our former spouses or lovers that may impinge on our ability to form new attachments is not exactly at the top of the charts in terms of popularity. In fact, outside of the evangelical Christian world, it is wildly unfashionable, even ridiculed as a throw¬back to less enlightened times. Yet, current freewheeling attitudes toward casual sex, serial monogamy, multiple partners and easy divorce are as extreme in the opposite direction. These views turn a blind eye to the mystery, sacredness and bonding power of sexuality.

In the end, I don’t know who is right. I do believe that with each sexual partner we beckon a potent force we barely understand, but are wise to handle with care. As one who has attempted to engage and exorcise the ghosts of my sexual past, I do know how much soul work, courage and grace it takes to reclaim your self from these hauntings.

Adapted from  “Love and the Mystery of Betrayal” —now available in print and ebook.

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Sex and Yearning for the Divine

When two people relate to each other authentically and humanly, God is the electricity that surges between them. —Martin Buber

Sexual urges are one of the most powerful motivators on the planet. Yet, we have to admit, beyond the obvious fact that we need to continue the species, we do not know what sex is all about.

The older I get, the more I notice that my urges for sexual union seem to be part of an even greater longing—a yearning for spiritual depth. Sexual attraction not only drives us to reproduce, but to transcend and deepen into ourselves in relationship with another. The door to spiritual realities that opens through sexual love may be as important to our survival as a species as the creation of children.

Surely, with seven billion people on the planet, our survival depends more on embracing our common humanity than on producing more people. If we do not learn to value love and cooperation above power and production, we seem sure to destroy ourselves as well as the planet.

Sexual Instincts Drive Us to Intimacy

Through what other medium can most of us so readily learn about love? Perhaps that is one reason sex is such an exceptional bonding agent—sexual instincts force us to engage intimately with each other. Sex is a potent mystery that binds and transforms us in ways we cannot anticipate.

Shakespeare said that “love is not love that alters when it alteration finds.” Sex plants the seed of love, of an enduring tie we need to come to terms with, whether the relationship continues or not. If we dig deeply enough, we know that in the caverns of our body and soul, we carry traces that tie us to our sexual partners—for better or worse.

On the surface we may think it is all behind us, but whenever we drop deeper into ourselves, the intense sensations and feelings stir. Whether they be positive—delight, joy, longing or attraction; or negative—grief, guilt, anger, fear, or even a numb emptiness and indifference—these sexual experiences bind our energies.

This is one of the horrors of rape or abusive sex of any kind. We may not even remember the name of a casual hook-up or hot date, but the imprint of the connection remains, binding us in subtle, subterranean ways to that person. Not to mention a spouse or long-time partner. Most people recognize intuitively that, psychologically, there is no such thing as divorce. Sexual union is a ritual of lasting depth and consequence.

Sex Binds Our Subtle Energies

If sex does act like superglue as some say, we leave little bits of ourselves with each of our sexual partners, and their essence takes up residence in our body/soul. With each partner, we may have less and less psychic energy available to form new bonds—a distressing idea, especially if we may eventually risk losing our capacity to form deep attachments altogether.

The idea that we drag around torn pieces of our former spouses or lovers that impinge on our ability for loving attachment is not exactly at the top of the charts in terms of popularity. In fact, outside of the evangelical Christian world, it is wildly unfashionable, even ridiculed as a throw¬back to less enlightened times. Yet, current freewheeling attitudes toward casual sex, serial monogamy, multiple partners and easy divorce are as extreme in the opposite direction. These views turn a blind eye to its intuitive sacredness and dismiss the bonding power of sexuality.

In the end, we cannot be sure who is right. We can, however, bow down before our ignorance. We can recognize that with each sexual partner we beckon a holy, potent force we do not understand—but are wise to handle with care. Generally, as someone said, we do not have sex as much as sex has us. As those of us know who have consciously engaged the ghosts of our sexual past, it takes intense soul work, courage and grace to heal these hauntings.

Does this perspective fit with your experience or not?

The post Sex and Yearning for the Divine appeared first on .

Sex and Yearning for the Divine (II)

When two people relate to each other authentically and humanly, God is the electricity that surges between them. —Martin Buber

Sexual urges are one of the most powerful motivators on the planet. Yet, we have to admit, beyond the obvious fact that we need to continue the species, we do not know what sex is all about.

The older I get, the more I notice that my urges for sexual union seem to be part of an even greater longing—a yearning for spiritual depth. Sexual attraction not only drives us to reproduce, but to transcend and deepen into ourselves in relationship with another. The door to spiritual realities that opens through sexual love may be as important to our survival as a species as the creation of children.

Surely, with seven billion people on the planet, our survival depends more on embracing our common humanity than on producing more people. If we do not learn to value love and cooperation above power and production, we seem sure to destroy ourselves as well as the planet.

Sexual Instincts Drive Us to Intimacy

Through what other medium can most of us so readily learn about love? Perhaps that is one reason sex is such an exceptional bonding agent—sexual instincts force us to engage intimately with each other. Sex is a potent mystery that binds and transforms us in ways we cannot anticipate.

Shakespeare said that “love is not love that alters when it alteration finds.” Sex plants the seed of love, of an enduring tie we need to come to terms with, whether the relationship continues or not. If we dig deeply enough, we know that in the caverns of our body and soul, we carry traces that tie us to our sexual partners—for better or worse.

On the surface we may think it is all behind us, but whenever we drop deeper into ourselves, the intense sensations and feelings stir. Whether they be positive—delight, joy, longing or attraction; or negative—grief, guilt, anger, fear, or even a numb emptiness and indifference—these sexual experiences bind our energies.

This is one of the horrors of rape or abusive sex of any kind. We may not even remember the name of a casual hook-up or hot date, but the imprint of the connection remains, binding us in subtle, subterranean ways to that person. Not to mention a spouse or long-time partner. Most people recognize intuitively that, psychologically, there is no such thing as divorce. Sexual union is a ritual of lasting depth and consequence.

Sex Binds Our Subtle Energies

If sex does act like superglue as some say, we leave little bits of ourselves with each of our sexual partners, and their essence takes up residence in our body/soul. With each partner, we may have less and less psychic energy available to form new bonds—a distressing idea, especially if we may eventually risk losing our capacity to form deep attachments altogether.

The idea that we drag around torn pieces of our former spouses or lovers that impinge on our ability for loving attachment is not exactly at the top of the charts in terms of popularity. In fact, outside of the evangelical Christian world, it is wildly unfashionable, even ridiculed as a throw¬back to less enlightened times. Yet, current freewheeling attitudes toward casual sex, serial monogamy, multiple partners and easy divorce are as extreme in the opposite direction. These views turn a blind eye to its intuitive sacredness and dismiss the bonding power of sexuality.

In the end, we cannot be sure who is right. We can, however, bow down before our ignorance. We can recognize that with each sexual partner we beckon a holy, potent force we do not understand—but are wise to handle with care. Generally, as someone said, we do not have sex as much as sex has us. As those of us know who have consciously engaged the ghosts of our sexual past, it takes intense soul work, courage and grace to heal these hauntings.

Does this perspective fit with your experience or not?

The post Sex and Yearning for the Divine (II) appeared first on Sandra Lee Dennis.

Sex and the Yearning for the Divine (II)

“When two people relate to each other authentically and humanly, God is the electricity that surges between them.” —Martin Buber

 

Sexual urges are one of the most powerful motivators on the planet. Yet, we have to admit, beyond the obvious fact that we need to continue the species, we do not know what sex is all about.

The older I get, the more I notice that my urges for sexual union are part of an even greater longing—a yearning for spiritual depths.

Sex not only drives us to reproduce, but to transcend and deepen into our spiritual nature in relationship with another. For all we know, the door to spiritual realities that opens through sexual love may be as important to our survival as the creation of children.

Surely, with seven billion people on the planet, our survival depends more on embracing our common humanity than on producing more people. If we do not learn to value love and cooperation above power and production, we seem sure to destroy ourselves as well as the planet.

Sexual Instincts Drive Us to Intimacy

Perhaps that is one reason sex is an exceptional bonding agent. Through what other medium can most of us so readily learn about love? Our sexual instincts force us to engage intimately with each other.

We are also wired so that we cannot cleanly and completely tear apart what has been blended through the elixir of sexuality. Sex is a potent mystery that binds and transforms us in ways we cannot anticipate. If we are honest, we know that deep in our body and soul, we carry traces that tie us to our sexual partners—for better or worse.

Shakespeare said that “love is not love that alters when it alteration finds.” Sex plants the seed of love, of an enduring tie we need to come to terms with, whether the relationship continues or not. Sex is a ritual of lasting depth and consequence.This is one of the horrors of rape or abusive sex of any kind.

We may not even remember the name of a casual hook-up or hot date, but the imprint of the connection remains, binding us in subtle, subterranean ways to that person. Not to mention a spouse or long-time partner. Most people recognize intuitively that, psychologically, there is no such thing as divorce.

On the surface we may think it is all behind us, but whenever we drop deeper into ourselves, the intense sensations and feelings stir. Whether they be positive—delight, joy, longing or attraction; or negative—grief, guilt, anger, fear, or even a numb emptiness and indifference—these sexual experiences bind our energies.

Sex Binds Our Subtle Energies

If sex does act like superglue as some say, we leave little bits of ourselves with each of our sexual partners, and their essence takes up residence in our depths. With each partner, we have less and less psychic energy available to form new bonds. At some point, we may risk losing our capacity to form deep attachments altogether.

As someone said, we have to admit we do not have sex as much as sex has us. As those of us know who have consciously engaged these ghosts, it takes intense soul work, courage and grace to heal the holes and hauntings of our sexual past.

The idea that we drag around torn pieces of our former spouses or lovers that impinge on our ability for loving attachment is not exactly at the top of the charts in terms of popularity. In fact, outside of the evangelical Christian world, it is wildly unfashionable, even ridiculed as a throw¬back to less enlightened times.

Yet, current freewheeling attitudes toward casual sex, serial monogamy, multiple partners and easy divorce are as extreme in the opposite direction. These popular views discount the intuitive sacredness and bonding power of sex.

In the end, we cannot be sure who is right. We can, however, bow down before our ignorance. We can recognize that with each sexual partner we beckon a holy, potent force we do not understand—but are wise to handle with care.

The post Sex and the Yearning for the Divine (II) appeared first on Sandra Lee Dennis.

The Bonding Power of Sex

The concept of casual sex has always eluded me. Although I came of age in the 1960’s when people considered sexual experimentation a sign of a woman’s liberation and wisdom, I had trouble getting with the program.  From the start, I intuited the mystery and power of sex and proceeded with caution.

Sex for fun and pleasure; sex as a haven from loneliness; sex to forget; sex to feel wanted; sex to fill the emptiness, to satisfy the yearning; sex to dominate or to be dominated—I recognized all were possibilities. I tried to give experimentation a go, but, temperamentally, it was never a fit.

With a passionate, adventuresome, but also romantic and devotional character, sometimes I feel like a cross between Carmen and Teresa of Avila. I harbor a wild, deep and curious sexual nature—that connects readily to my spiritual instincts. I cannot help sensing something irrevocable and sacred in mingling myself with another human being.

“The Realm of the Gods”

Something profound and vulnerable opens in sexual love; something beautiful and tender; vast and unknowable, alive and mysterious, flows between two people that compels respect and awe. That awe gave me pause and countered any lusty instincts that might translate into the Hollywood version of ripping off each other’s clothes.

After I married, most often sex was like prayer for me, a Dionysian, ecstatic prayer where I lost and found myself in the mysteries of two becoming one. Blessed with many transcendent sexual experiences, I see now how I became somewhat full of myself, inflated by the spiritual openings that came with married love.

Spending so much time in “the realm of the gods” as Buddhist psychology describes the terrain, I even came to fancy myself as a kind of daikini—a sort of spiritual muse who guides her mate into erotic mysteries. Needless to say, being abruptly abandoned by my long-term partner deflated those delusions pretty quickly, but also deepened my reverence for this fire of the gods.

The early death of my husband, then betrayal and abandonment, and my work with other people in relationship crisis have colored my attitudes toward sexuality. The hauntings and ongoing resonance that afflicted me and so many others after such shocking loses stirred many questions.

Sexual Bonds

There is so much we do not know. We do know that sex is an exceptionally powerful bonding agent.  Some say it acts like superglue, and I agree. I have come to believe my early intuitions were correct, no matter how detached we try to be about it, there is no such thing as casual or uncommitted sex.

When you glue two sheets of paper together and attempt to pull them apart, both sheets end up tearing, and pieces of each remain attached to the other. Sex binds us to our partners in ways we rarely acknowledge or understand. Aspects of our sexual partner seem to stay with us long after they have died or otherwise departed; while parts of us go with them.

I realize this is not a popular idea. Unsurprisingly—with the alluring possibilities of hook-ups, open relationships and trial or serial partners, who wants to give up the pleasures, or face the lasting consequences, implied by the suggestion that sex creates enduring ties?

Acknowledging that we may be forming energetic bonds to our sexual partner that will stay with us long after they are gone—regardless of our conscious intentions—puts a major crimp in the concept of sexual freedom. . . . to be continued

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The Awesome Binding Power of Sex (I)

The concept of casual sex has always eluded me. Although I came of age in the 1960′s when people considered sexual experimentation a sign of a woman’s liberation and wisdom, I had trouble getting with the program.  From the start, I intuited the mystery and power of sex and proceeded with caution.

Sex for fun and pleasure; sex as a haven from loneliness; sex to forget; sex to feel wanted; sex to fill the emptiness, to satisfy the yearning; sex to dominate or to be dominated—I recognized all were possibilities. I tried to give experimentation a go, but, temperamentally, it was never a fit.

With a passionate, adventuresome, but also romantic and devotional character, sometimes I feel like a cross between Carmen and Teresa of Avila. I harbor a wild, deep and curious sexual nature—that connects readily to my spiritual instincts. I cannot help sensing something irrevocable and sacred in mingling myself with another human being.

The “Realm of the Gods”

Something profound and vulnerable opens in sexual love; something beautiful and tender; vast and unknowable, alive and mysterious, flows between two people that compels respect and awe. That awe gave me pause and countered any lusty instincts that might translate into the Hollywood version of ripping off each other’s clothes.

After I married, most often sex was like prayer for me, a Dionysian, ecstatic prayer where I lost and found myself in the mysteries of two becoming one. Blessed with many transcendent sexual experiences, I see now how I became somewhat full of myself, inflated by the spiritual openings that came with married love.

Spending so much time in “the realm of the gods” as Buddhist psychology describes the terrain, I even came to fancy myself as a kind of daikini—a sort of spiritual muse who guides her mate into erotic mysteries. Needless to say, being abruptly abandoned by my long-term partner deflated those delusions pretty quickly, but also deepened my reverence for this fire of the gods.

The early death of my husband, then betrayal and abandonment, and my work with other people in relationship crisis have colored my attitudes toward sexuality. The hauntings and ongoing resonance that afflicted me and so many others after such shocking loses stirred many questions.

Sexual Bonds

There is so much we do not know. We do know that sex is an exceptionally powerful bonding agent.  Some say it acts like superglue, and I agree. I have come to believe my early intuitions were correct, no matter how detached we try to be about it, there is no such thing as casual or uncommitted sex.

When you glue two sheets of paper together and attempt to pull them apart, both sheets end up tearing, and pieces of each remain attached to the other. Sex binds us to our partners in ways we rarely acknowledge or understand. Aspects of our sexual partner seem to stay with us long after they have died or otherwise departed; while parts of us go with them.

I realize this is not a popular idea. Unsurprisingly—with the alluring possibilities of hook-ups, open relationships and trial or serial partners, who wants to give up the pleasures, or face the lasting consequences, implied by the suggestion that sex creates enduring ties?

Acknowledging that we may be forming energetic bonds to our sexual partner that will stay with us long after they are gone—regardless of our conscious intentions—puts a major crimp in the concept of sexual freedom. . . . to be continued

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