Sacha Rosel's Blog, page 6

Darkness, our furious friend

Years ago I had a conversation with a guy who claimed he had no darkness inside but wanted so badly to meet Her Majesty, the all-mighty mysterious Darkness, by using drugs. He claimed he wanted to have access to a broader spectrum of himself by using chemicals, hoping to find whatever he thought he might find there. How naïve it was of him to think such a stupid thought. Back then, and still now, I genuinely believe he simply got the equation wrong: it’s not you chasing after darkness, it’s darkness chasing after you, hunting you down and taking hold of your whole frame of mind and body, with no escape whatsoever. Darkness, our furious friend, is not something you want to mess up with, conjuring it up like it was some childish game involving drugs or supposedly shaman-like rituals. Most of all, either you have it or you don’t. Right from the start, when you are four or five, you come to see darkness inside yourself. You still don’t know what you are dealing with, nor can you actually name the monster creeping within your thoughts and actions, rising within your soul, and yet there it is, not related to anything that might happen to you later, be it the trauma of death or violence. Nothing of the kind. Darkness is prior to anything that might shape its way through your silly existence; it’s just the way energy coalesces inside of you, and there’s nothing you can do to change that. Maybe you can negotiate your own free space every once in a while, preventing it from taking over you completely, for it may end up devouring everything and everyone standing in its way with its tarry viscosity. How can someone possibly think to chemically open the door to such a monstrous thing without thinking about the consequences? Did this guy really think he could embrace darkness and perhaps become somebody else just by taking some drugs? You can discover your dark self only if it’s already there. No drug will ever reveal anything different to you if you are not harbouring any hidden gem of fury. And then, what if you just end up hurting someone – yourself or somebody else? What if you just keep breathing, only in different shades of colour, with no other change visible on the outside? And by the time you’ve taken your pill or shot K through your veins, darkness will have already found you ̶  unexpectedly, desperately, still caught up in your happiest childhood moments broken forever, unwillingly.