Dougie Brimson's Blog: A Write Old Life, page 20

The thrill of an eBook author!

A Kindle reader in hysterics whilst reading The Art of Fart!

As anyone who knows me will be well aware, I have an intense dislike of the festive period and in actual fact, am something of a Grinch. There are all kinds of reasons for this ranging from my distrust of religion to the fact that my birthday is the 7th January (which meant crap presents when I was little) although to be fair, none of this has never stopped me planting myself in front of the telly for the duration and consuming both food and drink as if they were about to be made illegal.

However, as the ongoing farce that is my life meanders (or should that be bludgeons?) its way into yet another year, it might come as something of a shock to discover that I have spent much of this last festive period working feverishly.

The reason for this bizarre and totally unexpected turn of events was the launch of my latest book, The Art of Fart, which was released in December and is the first I have ever written solely for publication as an eBook.

Normally, when a new book hits the shelves, I leave the bulk of the promotional work to the publishers who will deal with all the pre-release publicity and arrange various interviews and appearances as well as sending out review copies to interested media outlets. The result being that they tell me what to do, I do it and all being well, books are purchased by the fabulous people that are the general public.

This time however, there is no PR department meaning that it's all been down to me! Not only that but being an eBook it was fairly pointless doing any pre-launch work because there was nowhere for potential readers to even pre-order let alone download the finished article. The upshot being that I had to sit twiddling my thumbs until the day The Art of Fart hit amazon at which point, I went into a frenzy of self-promotion!

However, I quickly learnt that what little knowledge I did have with regard to the promotion of books was all but useless and so other than follow the bog-standard Facebook and Twitter route, I was faced with a fairly rapid learning curve. One which grew ever steeper the more I tried to climb it!

For having entered what was in effect a whole new world of publishing, not only did I have to totally rethink my approach to book PR but I had to take an entirely new perspective on the online writing and publishing world much of which I am ashamed to say, I had previously ignored. As a consequence, I have now become involved in various writing communities such as KIndleboards.com and writers-online.co.uk (which are actually good fun and involve all kinds of lovely, talented people!) and thanks to them, have been able to learn a huge amount about the delights of such mysteries as amazon tagging, twitter hashtags, etc.

Thankfully, it seems to be working really well and is actually having a knock-on benefit with my other ebooks as the number of downloads have all increased markedly. On which note, I am delighted to inform you that thanks to the good folk at www.ebookpartnership.com who I cannot commend highly enough, if you search my name on any ebook outlet you will see that my novel The Crew is a free download as is my very first book, Everywhere We Go. Indeed, I now have a total of 12 ebooks available online and not just for the Kindle but all other electronic readers as well as your PC.

Of course now that everyone is drifting back to work the next stage of promotion can begin as I will begin targeting the established print and broadcast media. Hopefully, that will secure some press exposure although it's fair to say that the title of the book let alone the subject matter may well limit the opportunities available!

I also have a few other ideas on the backburner including one which I hope will be quite spectacular! That may well have to wait until it's a bit warmer though!

Now whilst all of this is good fun and is hopefully spreading the word and selling lots of downloads, the problem is that doing all of this takes time which stops me doing anything else. And one of the most important questions I have to address is what to do next!

I have managed to whittle this down to three ideas now and all being well, will make the final decision over the next day or so. One thing I do know is that it will almost certainly be another eBook. Primarily because it's such good fun!

On which note, if you haven't read it yet, The Art of Fart is available for just £1.53 at http://www.amazon.co.uk/Art-Fart-Joy-Flatulence-ebook/dp/B006MISNFI/ or $2.68 at http://www.amazon.com/Art-Fart-Joy-Flatulence-ebook/dp/B006MISNFI/

If you do read it, please let me know what you think or better still, leave a review on amazon. They really do help!

Football's fascists have finally gone too far.

Bastard football fans daring to complain.

I will be the first to admit that I am something of a grumpy bastard and that I spend my days moaning about subjects ranging from the failure of HM Tax and revenue to collect money from the travelling community (why don't they?) to people who illegally use disabled parking spaces (who should have their cars crushed on the spot). However, today I read something which hasn't just irritated me, it has left me incensed. Yes, that's right, incensed.

For on this very night, the 22nd of December, at White Hart Lane where Spurs will be playing near neighbours Chelsea, stewards will be wearing cameras in an effort to catch on film anyone in the crowd who uses foul, abusive or racist language.

Stewards….. wearing cameras….. Sorry, but I had to type that twice because I still don't actually believe it.

To be honest, I don't even know where to begin with this. The sanitisation of football is something I have written about extensively over the years and yet it continues apace. Usually it has to be said, hidden or at least cloaked under the 'Kick Racism' banner. But whilst I will be the first to jump behind anything which deals with either racism or racist abuse as I have done at length both in books and on this very blog,  this is something else entirely.  This is little more than fascism.

Like most people, I go to football to let off steam and part of that involves shouting, singing and occasionally, indulging in that little thing we fans call banter. Now in truth, many of the things we say, sing or chant could, when taken out of context, be considered abusive but inside a football ground,  when directed at opposing fans, players or even officials, they are little more than simple words. Many of these words have basis in either history or fact but they are above all, instrumental in the creation of atmosphere. And atmosphere is, above all, what makes going to football one of the great joys of life.

But now, all of that is in grave danger of being taken away and make no mistake, that's exactly where this is heading. The question is, why?

The fascists' case is that no one should be subjected to any kind of abuse which might be deemed unacceptable but this is bollocks. This is about context and in the case of football, the game is the context. Enter a ground and you should know exactly what you are walking into, play it professionally and you must know what you are likely to experience at some point. If you don't like that, then either don't go or watch the sanitised version on television or don't seek to enter the profession in the first place! It really is that simple. Because you have no right to walk into a ground or run out onto a pitch and then cry foul because you don't like certain aspects of what you find. The individual will never, should never and can never be bigger than the game.

Yes, of course there are things which are said, shouted or sung inside grounds which are unacceptable but history has proven time and time again that in the vast majority of cases, the line of acceptability is drawn firmly by the people sitting within earshot. It is not, nor should ever be, drawn by someone sitting in a control room viewing CCTV footage a few days later.

Equally, what will be deemed unacceptable? The girls in Hertfordshire do have tits and fanny's but me singing about them doesn't make me sexist just as the age old songs about Mickey Quinn eating all the pies hardly make me fatist.

But to some politically correct driven jobsworth, that might be exactly what they decide and what then? Bollockings? Bannings? Prosecution? Or will we all have to attend some kind of seminar outlining the 'do's and don'ts' of football fandom.

It's a joke. But of course, it isn't. Because it isn't funny at all. It's potentially very real and it could well have major consequences for the game in this country.

The irony is that this is happening on the very same week that someone in the UK has finally seen sense and decided that a return safe standing might actually be a good idea. Of course it isn't in England because that would mean relinquishing some of the control the game exerts over us but fair play to the Scottish game (and that's something I never thought I'd say! ) for finally having the balls to give it a try.

Yet what is the driving force behind the safe standing campaign? Exactly, the demise of atmosphere inside our grounds! Which is of course exactly what this farce at Tottenham is going to erode even further.

Well I have news for those who 'run' the game. Start filming people and prosecuting them for using foul language inside a ground and you will be fucked. Because enough is enough.

This isn't about the game or the police, this is about the clubs themselves. OUR clubs. They've hiked prices to ridiculous levels, make us sit not stand, shift games around without a moment's thought for the travelling fan and each week seem to find new ways to part us from our increasingly hard earned. And now, as we have seen at Blackburn and numerous other clubs, not only are they starting to cry foul when we actually have the nerve to voice our opinions about what is or is not going on at OUR clubs, thanks to Tottenham there is a very real sign that they are seemingly moving toward the total control of what we can and cannot say inside grounds. OUR grounds. What next? Song sheets? Big screens being used as auto-cues? Fans being asked to sing adverts for sponsors?

You may laugh, but I wouldn't put anything past anyone involved with the financial side of football because none of them have the remotest idea of what it is (or was) like to stand on a terrace and be spontaneous. That's why what's going on at Spurs must be stopped from spreading and if the FSA and those who claim to be supportive of the rights of fans had anything about them, they would already be screaming blue bloody murder.

So where are they?

Note: My new book, The Art of Fart is now available to download from Amazon at £1.71 (or $2.68 in the US). Please visit www.theartoffart.net for further details.


The Art of Fart – What a bargain!

I'm a mid-list author and I earn my living by writing books that sell. What's wrong with that?

eBooks = future

I have an admission to make: my name is Dougie Brimson and I am a professional author. That isn't as an introduction to some kind of warped writers anonymous group it's a statement of fact.

I mention it because the other day someone asked me what motivates me to write and having thought about it at length, the one thought that keeps entering my head is 'what a stupid fucking question!' Let's get this clear once and for all; I write for two reasons: 1. I'm a lazy bastard who likes sitting down all day and 2. I need to make money to facilitate item 1.

That seems fair enough to me but for some strange reason it doesn't seem to sit well with the literati. For them, the very idea of a writer admitting to being motivated by income rather than some holier-than-thou desire to 'create' is almost akin to admitting a being a Tory and having a fondness for Margret Thatcher. Mind you, both of those are true of me too.

I have never really understood this thinking. After all, writing isn't just bloody hard work it takes an awful lot of time and effort so if you're going to do it, surely the aim must be to get published? But you will only get published if there is potential to sell copies and if you sell copies, you make money. That's why it's called the publishing business.

Yet for some reason, if you approach the process by looking at the market and giving it what it actually wants as opposed to what some publisher thinks it should have you are regarded almost as some kind of traitor to the art form. Believe me, I've met people who work in publishing who genuinely seem to consider being popular as something to be ashamed of.

Well sod that. I might never win the Booker prize or receive invites to the Hay festival but I know my market, I know what it wants and I'm happy to provide it with as much as I can and as often as I can. If the literary world doesn't get that simple commercial reality then fuck them.

The reason why this is so relevant is because as some people are already aware, my 14th book will be released in a couple of weeks. The subject matter will remain a secret for reasons which will become obvious in the fullness of time but what I will say is that this book will see a couple of firsts one of which is extremely significant. For this will be the first book I have written solely as an eBook.

There are numerous reasons why I have gone this route ranging from being able to choose the subject matter through to being directly involved with the PR but one of the main ones has to do with money. You see what a lot of people don't understand is that when a book sells in WH Smiths, it can be anywhere up to 18 months before the author receives his meagre percentage of the cover price. For an eBook, it's in the bank within 3 months and more importantly, even though eBooks are significantly cheaper than paperbacks, that royalty is higher. As a professional writer, that's significant because at the end of the day, whilst I've sold plenty of books I'm not JK Rowling or Jeffrey Archer and I don't get offered 6 figure advances. My income is generated solely by sales and I have to eat.

Don't get me wrong, I cannot even begin to tell you how much I appreciate every single email, tweet, letter or comment I receive about my writing and when it comes to motivation, nothing works as much as praise. But I also appreciate the income that my work generates if for no other reason than it buys me time, and food. So anything I can do to increase that income has to be a good thing.

The irony is that for someone like me who continues to sell books, by stepping away from the traditional publishing route I'm actually taking work away from the very people who have for years been in control of my career.

I get no pleasure from that but at the end of the day, going the eBook route might not win me any friends in publishing but no editor would work for nothing and I'll be buggered if I'm going to either.

When it comes to racism in football, are players the really guilty ones?

Sepp listening to some Gangsta Rap in an effort to get down with the kids.

Like many people, I was stunned and amazed by FIFA president Sepp Blatters' recent comments regarding racism and the fact that it can be addressed with a simple handshake. Although I certainly look forward to employing a 'high-five officer?' type defence the next time I'm being done for speeding.

However, whilst like most right-minded football fans I long for the day when the bumbling old bastard is finally levered from the gravy train that we are busy fuelling, I am slightly bemused by the holier-than-thou attitude that has been adopted by certain elements within the English game in recent days.

Don't get me wrong, I totally support the stance being taken by some of the players and officials who are speaking out against Blatter but the question nagging at me is why were those same voices so silent on the subject of John Terry?

After all, everyone knows Sepp is a bit of a fool and by his words has undoubtedly set back any notion that FIFA is seriously interested in the issue of racism. But the issue of Terry is in many ways far more serious because as I wrote last week, there is a great deal more at stake.

Since the dark days of the 80's no footballing nation has been as vocal in its condemnation of racism within the game than England. By our actions we have earned the right to stand firm and just on the moral high-ground and that has given us the right to speak out against racism in nations from Spain to Russia and in not one case have they been able to throw anything back at us.

Yet now they can.

Forget the notion of innocent until proven guilty, by allowing an alleged racist to lead the national side against Sweden the FA have undermined both the severity of the problem and our stance on racism with the result that our integrity has been damaged. And it could get even worse because we now face the very real possibility of the current England captain being a convicted racist. That would remove at a stroke our right to preach to anybody about racism ever again. And without us on that moral high-ground, it's a bleak and above all empty place.

Did no one in the hallowed halls of the Football Association consider that? Was a meaningless friendly really worth what they have done?

But equally, why didn't those players who are now being so vocal about Blatter speak out then? They're not stupid, they must have realised the possible implications involved with his selection.

The only answer of course is that they were afraid. No one likes a grass do they especially when the guy involved is one of your own. That's not a problem they have with Sepp of course, because everyone hates him right?

Yet Anton Ferdinand is also one of their own and he deserves better from his peers as does every black player from Clyde Best and Paul Canonville through to the 8 year old on Hackney Marshes and they didn't get it when they needed it the most. That's beyond shameful.

Racism continues to be one of the great evils of the modern game and has to be confronted at all levels and at every opportunity. But to quote the Irish politician and orator Edmund Burke, 'All that is necessary for the triumph of evil is that good men do nothing'.

That says an awful lot about what has (and has not) been going on in recent weeks.

Sepp's a fool, the FA are morons but are the players the really guilty ones?

Sepp listening to some Gangsta Rap in an effort to get down with the kids.

Like many people, I was stunned and amazed by FIFA president Sepp Blatters' recent comments regarding racism and the fact that it can be addressed with a simple handshake. Although I certainly look forward to employing a 'high-five officer?' type defence the next time I'm being done for speeding.

However, whilst like most right-minded football fans I long for the day when the bumbling old bastard is finally levered from the gravy train that we are busy fuelling, I am slightly bemused by the holier-than-thou attitude that has been adopted by certain elements within the English game in recent days.

Don't get me wrong, I totally support the stance being taken by some of the players and officials who are speaking out against Blatter but the question nagging at me is why were those same voices so silent on the subject of John Terry?

After all, everyone knows Sepp is a bit of a fool and by his words has undoubtedly set back any notion that FIFA is seriously interested in the issue of racism. But the issue of Terry is in many ways far more serious because as I wrote last week, there is a great deal more at stake.

Since the dark days of the 80's no footballing nation has been as vocal in its condemnation of racism within the game than England. By our actions we have earned the right to stand firm and just on the moral high-ground and that has given us the right to speak out against racism in nations from Spain to Russia and in not one case have they been able to throw anything back at us.

Yet now they can.

Forget the notion of innocent until proven guilty, by allowing an alleged racist to lead the national side against Sweden the FA have undermined both the severity of the problem and our stance on racism with the result that our integrity has been damaged. And it could get even worse because we now face the very real possibility of the current England captain being a convicted racist. That would remove at a stroke our right to preach to anybody about racism ever again. And without us on that moral high-ground, it's a bleak and above all empty place.

Did no one in the hallowed halls of the Football Association consider that? Was a meaningless friendly really worth what they have done?

But equally, why didn't those players who are now being so vocal about Blatter speak out then? They're not stupid, they must have realised the possible implications involved with his selection.

The only answer of course is that they were afraid. No one likes a grass do they especially when the guy involved is one of your own. That's not a problem they have with Sepp of course, because everyone hates him right?

Yet Anton Ferdinand is also one of their own and he deserves better from his peers as does every black player from Clyde Best and Paul Canonville through to the 8 year old on Hackney Marshes and they didn't get it when they needed it the most. That's beyond shameful.

Racism continues to be one of the great evils of the modern game and has to be confronted at all levels and at every opportunity. But to quote the Irish politician and orator Edmund Burke, 'All that is necessary for the triumph of evil is that good men do nothing'.

That says an awful lot about what has (and has not) been going on in recent weeks.

Are The Twitterati Footballs True Judge and Jury? Hell Yeah!

We're watching you bastards!

Like many people, I am a big fan of social networking and spend a great deal of time using both Facebook and Twitter to promote my books, carry out research and network with other writers. Unfortunately, I also spend a great deal more time talking rubbish with people I barely know, swapping jokes and looking at stupid video's which is not good when I have deadlines to beat!

Surprisingly, one thing I don't use social networking for is to follow football.  The main reasons being that I don't really care too much what is happening at any other club than Watford and certainly have little or no interest in the day to day trivia of players lives or for that matter, their opinions. More importantly, I find if far too easy to get sucked into arguments and being the type of person who has to have the last word, can find myself involved in pointless debates for days!

The whole idea of social networking online is actually quite ridiculous and like many things to do with the internet, is actually designed to waste time and avoid facing up to the realities of life. However, whatever you use it for or whatever you think of it, social networking does have real power. And central to that is the ability to spread or even occasionally, create news. In that sense, Twitter is pretty much unrivalled.

I mention this here because I have been busily writing something this morning about the John Terry saga which has given me a great deal of food for thought.

Now I don't care much for John Terry or racists and if he is found guilty, he deserves whatever comes his way. He certainly shouldn't be anywhere near the England team at the moment and if he were a true England captain, he would have made himself unavailable until such time as they investigations into his case had been concluded. The fact he hasn't says enough about him to me to suggest he isn't even worthy of the armband anyway. It doesn't say much for his team mates either but that's another debate entirely.

However, what has struck me as equally important is the fact that Terry only really fell into shit creek once the Twitterati got involved and that has massive implications for the game as a whole. For what we are witnessing here is trial by fan. And I for one, love this idea.

Let's face it, we have all seen things happen in games which players have got away with simply because the referee missed them. And even though

A cheating bastard at work.

they will have been picked up by the TV cameras and shown later on, we all know that thanks to the stupid rules relating to retrospective punishment it is extremely unlikely that anything will ever be done. But equally, like most supporters I am sick to death of the diving and the cheating that is ruining the game I love and if the authorities, the clubs or the players union won't do anything to stop it even though they know it is wrong, then maybe pressure from the fans will finally force them into action.

Just as importantly, if through the use of social networking fans are finally able to interact more directly with players, maybe they won't be so quick to feign injury if they know that they are going to have to justify their behaviour to the people who pay their wages. After all, embarrassment is the biggest deterrent known to man!

There will of course be those who think this is the very worst of developments but in all honesty, I don't care. For too long now we fans have been forced to sit back and put up with the demise of fair play and if through social networking we finally have the chance to bring about a return to sportsmanship within football, that can only be a good thing for the game.

John Terry: Captain or Cock?

Bobby Moore, A real England captain.

Let me throw some names at you: Bobby Moore, Bryan Robson, Billy Wright, Tony Adams, David Beckham, Terry Butcher, Stuart Pearce and John Terry. Now tell me, which one is the odd one out?

The answer, in case you were wondering, is John Terry and the reason should be obvious. Don't get me wrong, there is no denying his qualities as a player but let's face it, as a captain of the England national side, a post which carries with it all kinds of responsibilities, he's a non-starter. Because unlike every other name on that list, Terry is devoid of the one thing that marks out a true England captain; he has no class.

And that's what I want from my national captain. I want to know that not only is he a great player and an inspirational leader, but that he stands tall as an example of the values the vast majority of England uphold. Values such as honesty, integrity and fair play.

Can anyone honestly say that Terry provides that example? I can't. Instead I look at him and see everything that is wrong with this country. The demise of shame, the growing acceptance of sleaze as an acceptable personality trait and above all, a total and utter failure to accept responsibility for your own actions. Do we really want someone like that wearing the captains armband? More importantly, do we really want the rest of the world looking at him and thinking that we are proud of him or approve of his behaviour?

If you need any further proof that Terry can't hold a candle to any of his predecessors, you actually need look no further than the fact that this is still an issue at all!

For if he were genuinely a true England captain, he would have realised that his presence would not have been in anyone's interests and made himself unavailable until the investigations into his behaviour have been concluded.

But he hasn't. Instead he has clung on like some desperate chav seemingly unable to comprehend that he has done anything wrong.

John Terry doing what he does best..... not being a gentleman

And that says it all. No class you see.

Beat 'em and flog 'em. The players, not the fans!

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Carlos Tevez... upstanding citizen.

Recently, I've had a lot of people asking me to comment on issues relating to footballers and in particular, their morals.

This was of course, largely a result of the Carlos Tevez situation and his alleged refusal to get his overpaid but extremely talented arse off the Manchester City bench and actually do what he is paid shit-loads to do. But it's continued thanks to the activities of… well, far too many of them.

Quite why anyone thinks I am qualified to comment on the morals of anyone is something of a mystery as my life has hardly been virtuous but hey, if they ask, I answer. It's what I do.

For what it's worth, I think that the vast majority of footballers are decent blokes who are lucky enough to be paid to do a job most blokes would do for nothing. Some of them are paid way too much money admittedly but that's hardly their fault. Whilst one can argue at length about the issue of players wages, as it stands it is market forces that dictate what they get paid and so until that issue is finally resolved as it surely has to be soon, I say fill your boots!

However, there are also a few amongst their number who are not decent at all and can at best be described as chavs and at worst, as scum. There are certainly individuals who, were it not for the fact that they could play football, would be in prison. Probably for a long time.

This is hardly a shock. After all, football is the working class game and even in this day and age, many footballers come from backgrounds which can hardly be called affluent. So it is hardly surprising that some of them go off the rails when they suddenly find themselves swimming in money, living in expensive apartments and left to their own devices. What doesn't help is that their clubs or agents are so quick to step in and clean up their mess and that to me is the real problem. It's the fact that being a good footballer seems to provide a golden get-you-out-of-jail card. That's not right.

No one should be above the rule of law but equally, no one who represents the game, be they player or manager, has the right to drag it into the papers for the wrong reasons and be able to escape punishment. Being a twat, stupid or just horny is no excuse and I don't care if it's drink driving, adultery, rape, murder or simply refusing to play, they are bringing football into disrepute and should be hammered by those who administer it.

Not least because it makes those who follow the game that funds these lifestyles look foolish to those who don't.

Why this Thatcher fan will never vote Tory again.

Come back Maggie. We need you!

It's not often I write about politics but today, I have to make an exception.

Quite why this compulsion has hit at this particular time is unclear as the decision I've made and the reasons for it were made months ago but hey, my subconscious has decided that today is the day and so here we go.

I have never made any secret of the fact I have always voted Tory and am a huge fan of Lady Thatcher. My father led me along this road from an early age but it was reinforced when I joined the RAF (the military are traditionally right-wing) and set in stone when I headed south as part of the South Atlantic Task Force in 1982.

If anything, my anti-left resolve was hardened when Blair and his loathsome cronies came to power and set about their pre-planned destruction of the social (and as we later learned, economic) fabric of our country. A crime which is far more serious than the ongoing obsession with a so-called illegal war in Iraq yet which will similarly and tragically never result in any kind of justice being imposed upon those responsible.

Have no doubt, I was thrilled when Brown was ejected from number 10 and chuffed to bits that my vote contributed to his demise. I had high hopes for Cameron and even though he was forced to bring the Lib-Dems in, I was convinced that anything would be better than what we had been enduring. Yet as the weeks unfolded and the true extent of the damage Labour had inflicted on the country began to be exposed, I began to become concerned. And the more I heard, the more my unease grew.

Don't get me wrong, I actually support many of the things the coalition are doing and whole heartedly back the cuts the government are making because at the end of the day, that's my money being wasted by the NHS, the Civil Service and even the MOD (don't get me started on that!). I also applaud the stance being taken over law and order and the growing calls to repeal elements of the human rights act. However, I certainly don't support some of the cuts made to defence especially the destruction of the Harrier fleet which will surely rank as one of the most crazed military decisions of all time.

But there have been two particular issues which have enraged me since Dave came to power and combined, they have ensured that I will never vote Tory again.

The first is the issue of Europe. I'm English first, British second and European never. Whilst I understand the concept of a European state and accept that there are certain elements of it which are of huge benefit to the nation, there are other aspects which disgust me, others which terrify me. To me, it's clear that the EU is a club which needs us far more than we need it and that alone is reason enough to leave. So where is my referendum? The one Dave repeatedly promised.

As each day passes, the clamour from the nation calls for it and whilst we are finally seeing noises that it might actually happen at some point, the stumbling block remains the construction of the actual question. But it shouldn't, it should be a simple in or out question. If the people say we stay in, then fine. But if they say we want out, then it's a total out.

Either way, it will be a democratic decision and those who voted contrary to the outcome will have to deal with it just as the country will have to deal with the consequences whatever they might be. But the fact remains, we want our say and we should be given it. The fact that we haven't is a disgrace.

The second issue is the one which not only leaves me baffled, but furious. Indeed, even as I'm sitting here I can start to feel my blood boiling.

Britain is a wealthy country, of that there is little doubt. Yet at the moment we have, thanks to Blair and co's mismanagement of our finances, a huge debt. As a consequence, the government have been forced to make massive cuts to public spending the majority of which, as I've already said, I support.

However, given the fact that we are in such a mess, why the bloody hell are we spending £8.1 billion a year on overseas aid (and that will increase to £11.4 billion in 2014. That's a 34 per cent rise!)?

Cameron argues that it is essential to spend this money to maintain our status on the world stage and more importantly, that we have a moral duty to help those living what must be awful lives. But whilst I think the former is bollocks and do have some sympathy with the latter, surely as an elected government you also have an even greater moral duty to ensure that you don't have kids in your own country who live in abject poverty or elderly men and women who, having spent the bulk of their lives paying into the system, are being forced to choose between eating and heating because their pensions are so low.

I wouldn't mind so much if it made any sense. Call me old fashioned, but does a nation which spends £20 billion a year on defence and £1.25 billion

Overseas aid.... the sad reality?

space programme really need £280 million from the British taxpayer? Would it not be better all round if someone were to give them a quick call and tell them to get their priorities right?

And did it not strike anyone at the Department for International Development as odd that many senior officials in Sierra Leone went on a huge spending spree shortly after they handed them a cheque for £1.2 million to aid 'peacekeeping' efforts?

I know I'm being flippant but sadly, those are two examples from a very long list of bizarre decisions and whilst the sums involved might not make much difference to the old age pension or child benefit, they would make a huge difference to organisations such as Childline, Cancer Research, Macmillan, the RNLI and even the RSPCA who as it stands, are essential charities almost wholly dependent on public donation. And I for one, would far rather my taxes went in that direction rather than risk them ending up in some African despots Swiss bank account or to countries who wish us nothing but harm in return.

Quite why Cameron and company cannot see that escapes me and that, in essence, is why I will never vote Tory again. Not because they are crap politicians or even dodgy characters, but because after years of Labour destruction and miss-management, they have failed to adhere to the fundamental rule of political life. That as a politician you are elected by the people to serve the people.

To do that, you have to listen to and act upon the will of the majority and the sad fact is that at the moment, at least when it comes to these two issues, they're certainly not listening to me and plenty like me.

So why on earth should they get my support.

Dougie Brimson – The New Gok Wan?

Mutton dressed as er... mutton

In every list or article written by a male about relationships with the opposite sex, there is one issue which will inevitably receive a mention. It is best described as entrapment.

I don't mean entrapment in the sense of her trying to find out if you're having an affair or have actually been out with your mates when you've told her you're at work, I'm talking the really serious stuff. Primarily the stuff about HER! Those questions which are designed to trap you into saying the wrong thing and attracting trouble. The most dangerous of which is the dreaded 'how does this look?'

Now any bloke with half a brain knows that if a woman asks that question, it doesn't matter what he responds because it will inevitably be wrong. If we pay a compliment it's 'you're only saying that' and if we say anything negative…. well, best not to do that anyway. And even if it isn't wrong at that moment in time, it will almost certainly be wrong later on at which point you will get the blame because 'you should have said something'.

Worst of all is when this question is posed when we've been 'taken' shopping.  Never mind the fact that most men hate shopping with a passion and being dragged around the underwear department of Marks & Spencers is the single most evil thing a woman can inflict on her man, our reluctance to show any desire to provide comment on anything from ball gowns to handbags means we are considered either useless or boring or both. All of which adds to the 'fun' of course. 

I mention this here because the other day, whilst mulling over what would constitute my perfect job, I finally came up with the answer. You see I actually quite like wandering around shopping malls (it's a people watching thing) and I certainly like women so it seemed reasonable to think of a way to combine the two activities. So in short, I'd like to be employed as the bloke who passes impartial and honest comment on what women are either trying on or already wearing.

Don't get me wrong, I am not nor ever could be considered, fashionable. I wear clothes which do not suit me, have a body profile which defies any description other than lardy and am as far removed from Gok Wan as it is humanly possible to get (and on that note, if you want to spend all your life dressing women and acting like a woman, why not just get a bloody sex change and have done with it?) but I do have three things going for me. I am a bloke, I know what looks good on women and just as importantly, I know what doesn't.

Kill me please.

And having sat outside more changing rooms than I care to recall and watched a succession of fashion disasters appear only be told by their long-suffering and bored shitless partners that they look fabulous, would it not be better to have an honest opinion from an impartial male on tap? After all, wouldn't a woman rather be told that she looks like a pig wrapped in some old pub curtains before she goes to that wedding as opposed to realising it herself when she receives the photo's afterwards?

But equally, I'd like to be able to tell a woman that she looks beyond awesome. Indeed, I'd encourage any bloke to do that once in a while anyway. I have and trust me, you have no idea of the impact paying a random comment can have, especially at 08.45 on the Piccadilly Line.

The other attraction is that I'd also be able to walk up to a woman and tell that at 50 plus, she shouldn't have pink hair or a nose piercing because they make her look slightly sad or tell that 25 year-old that men don't actually find the sight of an exposed KFC fuelled muffin-top particularly attractive.

The more I think about it, the more I think that I'm definitely onto something here. After all, if honesty really is the best policy, let's apply it where it is most needed, at the proverbial coal face. But equally, think how many cold and frosty nights I could save for my fellow males?

Anyone got a number for John Lewis?