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Mark L. Van Name's Blog, page 229
October 19, 2011
My head goes into a machine, and the suck looks worse
This morning, I arose bright and early after four horrible hours of nightmare-infused sleep to head to a local radiology place for a CT scan of my head.
The machine into whose donut center my head went was a sadly dull creation. I would have preferred matte black and perhaps some neon, as well as mood lighting for the room and maybe a little heavy metal playing.
As you can see, they did give me a pillow under my legs, though I didn't really need it.
The two women who ran the scan were great One found a vein--harder than it should have been, because I'm fat--and inserted the IV. After prepping me, they did a non-scanning trial, in which the table moved my head in and out of the machine, and then told me what would happen.
Best bit: "When we let the substance into the IV, you'll feel warm in your abdomen, neck, and bladder. Don't pee."
Check. I had that one already.
I asked if I could close my eyes, and they said sure. I nearly fell asleep in the few minutes the test was running.
Hardest instruction: "Don't swallow."
Nothing makes you want to swallow more than someone telling you not to.
They sent me home, as promised, with a disc full of images. They told me to give it to the doctor and wait for his pronouncement. They also said it was a special disc I couldn't just look at.
Fuck that.
The disc contains a PC viewer app with the images embedded in a little database. I brought it up on a PC, figured out the interface--simple, but poorly done except for the image viewer, which is awesome--and exported all the images as .jpgs.
It's pretty cool stuff. Here's the first shot, my head straight on.
Do I look like the Terminator, or what?
Yeah, yeah, go ahead and say it: damn, that's a big neck. Yes, it is.
The next thing I did was exactly what doctors everywhere hate, what they will tell you not to do, what is almost certainly booking a trip aboard the failboat: I decided to self-diagnose via the interwebs.
I found this page, which tells you how to read these images. (I actually consulted many pages, but this one was the exemplar.) It contained this key sentence (the Wikipedia link is mine):
[image error]
Yes, ladies and gentlemen, I believe we have a tumor. I stress that word "believe" because, of course, everything I've just done is a bit of a mug's game. I have no training. I am self-diagnosing using an image I'm not even supposed to have seen. I've read multiple studies about how bad people are at self-diagnosing using Web techniques; I've heard figures of over 90% of the people being wrong, and almost everyone tending to choose a bad outcome.
That said, I think I'm right, and I'm now turning my energies to two things: hoping the tumor is benign, and investigating all my surgical options.
Wish me luck.
Tomorrow, a far cheerier post about the State Fair.
The machine into whose donut center my head went was a sadly dull creation. I would have preferred matte black and perhaps some neon, as well as mood lighting for the room and maybe a little heavy metal playing.
As you can see, they did give me a pillow under my legs, though I didn't really need it.
The two women who ran the scan were great One found a vein--harder than it should have been, because I'm fat--and inserted the IV. After prepping me, they did a non-scanning trial, in which the table moved my head in and out of the machine, and then told me what would happen.
Best bit: "When we let the substance into the IV, you'll feel warm in your abdomen, neck, and bladder. Don't pee."
Check. I had that one already.
I asked if I could close my eyes, and they said sure. I nearly fell asleep in the few minutes the test was running.
Hardest instruction: "Don't swallow."
Nothing makes you want to swallow more than someone telling you not to.
They sent me home, as promised, with a disc full of images. They told me to give it to the doctor and wait for his pronouncement. They also said it was a special disc I couldn't just look at.
Fuck that.
The disc contains a PC viewer app with the images embedded in a little database. I brought it up on a PC, figured out the interface--simple, but poorly done except for the image viewer, which is awesome--and exported all the images as .jpgs.
It's pretty cool stuff. Here's the first shot, my head straight on.
Do I look like the Terminator, or what?
Yeah, yeah, go ahead and say it: damn, that's a big neck. Yes, it is.
The next thing I did was exactly what doctors everywhere hate, what they will tell you not to do, what is almost certainly booking a trip aboard the failboat: I decided to self-diagnose via the interwebs.
I found this page, which tells you how to read these images. (I actually consulted many pages, but this one was the exemplar.) It contained this key sentence (the Wikipedia link is mine):
For this reason, administration of contrast material is helpful because cysts usually enhance on their periphery, whereas pleomorphic adenomas enhance solidly (Figs 3c, 7b).Now, with a little annotation of my own, here's a picture of the mass in my parotid gland.
[image error]
Yes, ladies and gentlemen, I believe we have a tumor. I stress that word "believe" because, of course, everything I've just done is a bit of a mug's game. I have no training. I am self-diagnosing using an image I'm not even supposed to have seen. I've read multiple studies about how bad people are at self-diagnosing using Web techniques; I've heard figures of over 90% of the people being wrong, and almost everyone tending to choose a bad outcome.
That said, I think I'm right, and I'm now turning my energies to two things: hoping the tumor is benign, and investigating all my surgical options.
Wish me luck.
Tomorrow, a far cheerier post about the State Fair.
October 18, 2011
Well, this sucks
The lump I had discussed
The news is not good.
At the center of the swelling is a small hard mass. Based on his experience and the data available to him, the doctor said in 80% of such cases, the mass proves to be a tumor that they must remove surgically. If it is a tumor, 80% of the time it is benign, which is good.
If it is not a tumor, then the mass is most likely a cyst with a liquid core. Again, though, the odds are only 20% that it is a cyst.
Still, at this point I am fervently hoping for a cyst--something I would never have guessed I would one day be wanting.
The way they will determine the type of the mass is via a CAT scan, which I am now scheduled to have tomorrow morning. I've never had one of those, so it should be interesting. I should leave with a disc of images--images that I, of course, will not be able to read.
On Monday morning, the doctor will read them. He says he should be able to tell definitively if the mass is solid (tumor) or liquid (cyst). If it is solid, he will stick a needle in my face and take some cells for a biopsy to determine if it is benign or malignant. If it is liquid, he will stick a needle in my face, drain the cyst, and then probably hit me with a shot of super-strength antibiotics.
Either way, Monday I get a needle in my face. I'm hoping for one that's draining a cyst.
If I do need surgery, they will end up having to lift up a section of the right side of my face. They will cut starting just in front of the ear, follow the ear downward, curve under it, and then run along below the jawline. I will end up with a rather huge scar. They will then face the delicate task of removing the tumor and probably most or all of the gland without affecting any of the five key facial nerves that run through it. If they mess up, I lose control of that side of my face.
They claim to be very good at this sort of operation. I'll be doing some research, of course, into that claim.
The surgery will require that I stay overnight in the hospital for at least one night, and I will be on sufficiently massive painkillers that I will probably not be able to work or to write. I'll be out of commission at least a week.
If I do need the surgery, I'll have it as close after my next long trip as I can manage, which means as close to November 8 as possible.
I'm not a religious man, nor am I convinced of the power of good wishes, but I'll nonetheless happily accept any prayers or good wishes you would be willing to send my way that this lump is a cyst they can drain and then kill via antibiotics.
Sorry for the bummer post.
The news is not good.
At the center of the swelling is a small hard mass. Based on his experience and the data available to him, the doctor said in 80% of such cases, the mass proves to be a tumor that they must remove surgically. If it is a tumor, 80% of the time it is benign, which is good.
If it is not a tumor, then the mass is most likely a cyst with a liquid core. Again, though, the odds are only 20% that it is a cyst.
Still, at this point I am fervently hoping for a cyst--something I would never have guessed I would one day be wanting.
The way they will determine the type of the mass is via a CAT scan, which I am now scheduled to have tomorrow morning. I've never had one of those, so it should be interesting. I should leave with a disc of images--images that I, of course, will not be able to read.
On Monday morning, the doctor will read them. He says he should be able to tell definitively if the mass is solid (tumor) or liquid (cyst). If it is solid, he will stick a needle in my face and take some cells for a biopsy to determine if it is benign or malignant. If it is liquid, he will stick a needle in my face, drain the cyst, and then probably hit me with a shot of super-strength antibiotics.
Either way, Monday I get a needle in my face. I'm hoping for one that's draining a cyst.
If I do need surgery, they will end up having to lift up a section of the right side of my face. They will cut starting just in front of the ear, follow the ear downward, curve under it, and then run along below the jawline. I will end up with a rather huge scar. They will then face the delicate task of removing the tumor and probably most or all of the gland without affecting any of the five key facial nerves that run through it. If they mess up, I lose control of that side of my face.
They claim to be very good at this sort of operation. I'll be doing some research, of course, into that claim.
The surgery will require that I stay overnight in the hospital for at least one night, and I will be on sufficiently massive painkillers that I will probably not be able to work or to write. I'll be out of commission at least a week.
If I do need the surgery, I'll have it as close after my next long trip as I can manage, which means as close to November 8 as possible.
I'm not a religious man, nor am I convinced of the power of good wishes, but I'll nonetheless happily accept any prayers or good wishes you would be willing to send my way that this lump is a cyst they can drain and then kill via antibiotics.
Sorry for the bummer post.
October 17, 2011
Two movies I'm unreasonably excited about seeing
The State Fair will keep me out later than usual tonight, and then a ton of work will be awaiting me, so I thought I'd share the trailers of two films that I cannot wait to see.
The first opens this Friday.
I'm a sucker for a good Three Musketeers movie; always have been. I've seen all of the ones that have appeared in my lifetime. Then, we have the cast, which looks excellent and includes such favorites as Matthew Macfayden (once Tom on MI-5), Milla Jovovich, Ray Stevenson, and did I mention Milla Jovovich. Add a healthy dose of steampunk--airships dropping anchor and firing broadside at one another--and the film is simply irresistible to me.
The second won't be here for quite some time, but I don't care; it's going to be awesome.
I grew up reading the comic books of all the Avengers characters. I love Joss Whedon's work. Scarlett Johansson wears a skintight black suit. What's not to love?
Tomorrow, I hope to report on either the State Fair or my second writing workshop at a local library.
The first opens this Friday.
I'm a sucker for a good Three Musketeers movie; always have been. I've seen all of the ones that have appeared in my lifetime. Then, we have the cast, which looks excellent and includes such favorites as Matthew Macfayden (once Tom on MI-5), Milla Jovovich, Ray Stevenson, and did I mention Milla Jovovich. Add a healthy dose of steampunk--airships dropping anchor and firing broadside at one another--and the film is simply irresistible to me.
The second won't be here for quite some time, but I don't care; it's going to be awesome.
I grew up reading the comic books of all the Avengers characters. I love Joss Whedon's work. Scarlett Johansson wears a skintight black suit. What's not to love?
Tomorrow, I hope to report on either the State Fair or my second writing workshop at a local library.
October 16, 2011
A fine fall day
The sun is shining, the air is brisk, the leaves are beginning to change, and the day is about as perfect as is possible. Light through the trees onto the back deck is tinged the gentler, lighter green of the slowly dying leaves and makes everything glow.
I absolutely love it.
It's easy to see fall as the harbinger of the bleak winter to come, but I never view it that way. Living in North Carolina, I instead think of it as a welcome respite from the heat of summer.
In the middle of the afternoon today, we took the dogs for a walk. Their thick coats, sources of easy overheating in the summer, are now just about right. The smelloverse available to them keeps them constantly interested. They stick close to us and occasionally take a sniff and then glance at us as if to say, "Did you catch that? Wasn't it great?" Of course, we didn't, because our noses are so greatly inferior to theirs, but they don't know that, so I always try to act as if I did.
These days won't last long here, but while we have them, I intend to take as many dog walks as I can.
Tomorrow, I hope to report on another grand treat and fall tradition: the North Carolina State Fair.
I absolutely love it.
It's easy to see fall as the harbinger of the bleak winter to come, but I never view it that way. Living in North Carolina, I instead think of it as a welcome respite from the heat of summer.
In the middle of the afternoon today, we took the dogs for a walk. Their thick coats, sources of easy overheating in the summer, are now just about right. The smelloverse available to them keeps them constantly interested. They stick close to us and occasionally take a sniff and then glance at us as if to say, "Did you catch that? Wasn't it great?" Of course, we didn't, because our noses are so greatly inferior to theirs, but they don't know that, so I always try to act as if I did.
These days won't last long here, but while we have them, I intend to take as many dog walks as I can.
Tomorrow, I hope to report on another grand treat and fall tradition: the North Carolina State Fair.
October 15, 2011
Book attitude quiz
When you look around your house and see that you have more books than could possibly fit on your available shelving, which of the following do you think:
(a) I need to stop buying books.I bet you can guess which answer I'd give.
(b) I need to get rid of some of the books I'll never read again so I have room for new ones.
(c) I need more shelves.
(d) I need to buy another house to hold my library so I can have plenty of room for new books for years.
October 14, 2011
On the road again: Austin, day 4
The woman at the rental car counter asked what I thought of the Fiat. I told her it was the worst car I'd ever driven. She said the woman who had turned in her agreement just before me had driven the same car and loved it. Amazing.
Austin's airport has an Amy's, and I ended up staying in the airport for over two hours. Oh, yeah.
I'm home now, and despite the timestamp on this post, it's actually close to six in the morning. I am finally, however, caught up, which is great.
I'm also staying in one place for over a week, which is awesome.
On the radio on the drive to the airport today, this song popped up. It was on the first album I ever bought. Enjoy.
Austin's airport has an Amy's, and I ended up staying in the airport for over two hours. Oh, yeah.
I'm home now, and despite the timestamp on this post, it's actually close to six in the morning. I am finally, however, caught up, which is great.
I'm also staying in one place for over a week, which is awesome.
On the radio on the drive to the airport today, this song popped up. It was on the first album I ever bought. Enjoy.
October 13, 2011
On the road again: Austin, day 3
It's hard to complain about any day that includes Amy's ice cream, so I won't. I will note that the work hours have been huge--sadly, a now normal part of my travel--and Kyle and I managed to misread an iPhone app and walk about 2.5 miles in a vain attempt to find an Amy's that was not there. Our quest became amusing, however, so I could only laugh at us.
We also would not give up. So, after returning to my hotel, we had the bellmen bring round the mighty Fiat--the worst POS I have ever rented--and we drove to my favorite Amy's, where delicious ice cream was ours.
Tomorrow, work email, work meetings, more meetings, and then a frantic drive to the airport where I begin the journey home. Ah, the romance of business travel.
We also would not give up. So, after returning to my hotel, we had the bellmen bring round the mighty Fiat--the worst POS I have ever rented--and we drove to my favorite Amy's, where delicious ice cream was ours.
Tomorrow, work email, work meetings, more meetings, and then a frantic drive to the airport where I begin the journey home. Ah, the romance of business travel.
October 12, 2011
On the road again: Austin, day 2
As usual on business trips, I can't discuss the business side, which is a shame, because we meet with a lot of interesting people on a lot of interested topics. Ah, well, so it goes.
Lunch was at Rudy's barbecue, where the meat was tasty and tender. Texas barbecue is awesome.
Dinner was a light, appetizers-only meal (remember the lunch barbecue) at Fonda San Miguel. Nothing there is exactly like its Mexican-food counterparts back in NC, but that's probably, according to the menu, because they focus on the foods of different parts of Mexico. In any case, the dishes were quite tasty.
A trip to Amy's capped the evening out, after which I hit the hotel room for many hours of work.
I don't want to end with such a boring entry, so I'll offer you this, a fun song from a man I'll be seeing live in less than two weeks. Enjoy.
Lunch was at Rudy's barbecue, where the meat was tasty and tender. Texas barbecue is awesome.
Dinner was a light, appetizers-only meal (remember the lunch barbecue) at Fonda San Miguel. Nothing there is exactly like its Mexican-food counterparts back in NC, but that's probably, according to the menu, because they focus on the foods of different parts of Mexico. In any case, the dishes were quite tasty.
A trip to Amy's capped the evening out, after which I hit the hotel room for many hours of work.
I don't want to end with such a boring entry, so I'll offer you this, a fun song from a man I'll be seeing live in less than two weeks. Enjoy.
October 11, 2011
On the road again: Austin, day 1
For quite a while, today's travels looked to be as perfect as they could be.
Rain was pattering the skylights and darkening the world when I awoke, so I grabbed an extra fifteen minutes of sleep--quite a luxury for me. I still made the airport in plenty of time without rushing. Awaiting me were upgrades on both legs.
Work in the Admiral's Club went well.
Work on the plane went well, thanks to the available bandwidth.
In DFW, I grabbed a Red Mango parfait to accompany my earlier salad as lunch.
My arrival gate was only two gates from my departure area.
As I was waiting to board the plane to Austin--a plane that had arrived early--and finishing my Red Mango, I said to myself that one could not ask for better business travel.
Mistake.
As I was throwing away the cup, the announcement came over the loudspeakers: Our plane had "maintenance issues" that they could not quickly repair. We all had to hustle to a new gate, one two terminals away, to board a new plane.
You don't appreciate how many people are on a plane until you share an escalator and an airport tram with them.
I boarded, went to my seat--a window, but in first class, so I couldn't complain.
The person in the aisle seat appeared. She was tall, 5'11" or so, and she was large, at least 350 pounds, probably more. She was wearing a t-shirt stretched so tight you could bounce coins off it and low-rise jeans.
Not my problem, of course. I just read my book--a new Lee Child, another treat--and worked.
After the short flight and as we were preparing to leave, she stood but had to stay stooped because the aisle was crowded. This act exposed about four inches of butt crack. When she started to move forward, I turned toward the aisle and leaned forward to follow her. She straightened a bit, which exposed another few inches of butt crack, and then stumbled and fell backward slightly...
...wedging my nose momentarily into that vast expanse of butt crack.
She tittered, apologized, and left.
I stopped in the nearest airport bathroom and scrubbed my nose with soap.
When I made it to the rental car window, they were out of cars. They proposed to give me a minivan, but I am traveling alone and did not want a van. After some discussion, they found me an alternative, a car they described only as smaller.
Mind you, I'm in Texas, where bigger is better, so of course this is the rental car I ended up driving.
A Fiat! Really?
Yes.
This POS reeks of new car smell but at the same time stinks of impending decay. Driving it is like dating a zombie spackled with air-brush make-up. The car itself looks like the bastard child of a 1967 Oldsmobile and a first-gen Mini Cooper, but uglier.
Kyle and I proudly drove it to the County Line by the Lake, where the day was healed by the power of barbecue and then perfected by Amy's ice cream.
I am grateful that neither exists in Raleigh, because I couldn't afford the weight gain.
Rain was pattering the skylights and darkening the world when I awoke, so I grabbed an extra fifteen minutes of sleep--quite a luxury for me. I still made the airport in plenty of time without rushing. Awaiting me were upgrades on both legs.
Work in the Admiral's Club went well.
Work on the plane went well, thanks to the available bandwidth.
In DFW, I grabbed a Red Mango parfait to accompany my earlier salad as lunch.
My arrival gate was only two gates from my departure area.
As I was waiting to board the plane to Austin--a plane that had arrived early--and finishing my Red Mango, I said to myself that one could not ask for better business travel.
Mistake.
As I was throwing away the cup, the announcement came over the loudspeakers: Our plane had "maintenance issues" that they could not quickly repair. We all had to hustle to a new gate, one two terminals away, to board a new plane.
You don't appreciate how many people are on a plane until you share an escalator and an airport tram with them.
I boarded, went to my seat--a window, but in first class, so I couldn't complain.
The person in the aisle seat appeared. She was tall, 5'11" or so, and she was large, at least 350 pounds, probably more. She was wearing a t-shirt stretched so tight you could bounce coins off it and low-rise jeans.
Not my problem, of course. I just read my book--a new Lee Child, another treat--and worked.
After the short flight and as we were preparing to leave, she stood but had to stay stooped because the aisle was crowded. This act exposed about four inches of butt crack. When she started to move forward, I turned toward the aisle and leaned forward to follow her. She straightened a bit, which exposed another few inches of butt crack, and then stumbled and fell backward slightly...
...wedging my nose momentarily into that vast expanse of butt crack.
She tittered, apologized, and left.
I stopped in the nearest airport bathroom and scrubbed my nose with soap.
When I made it to the rental car window, they were out of cars. They proposed to give me a minivan, but I am traveling alone and did not want a van. After some discussion, they found me an alternative, a car they described only as smaller.
Mind you, I'm in Texas, where bigger is better, so of course this is the rental car I ended up driving.
A Fiat! Really?
Yes.
This POS reeks of new car smell but at the same time stinks of impending decay. Driving it is like dating a zombie spackled with air-brush make-up. The car itself looks like the bastard child of a 1967 Oldsmobile and a first-gen Mini Cooper, but uglier.
Kyle and I proudly drove it to the County Line by the Lake, where the day was healed by the power of barbecue and then perfected by Amy's ice cream.
I am grateful that neither exists in Raleigh, because I couldn't afford the weight gain.
October 10, 2011
Some movie reviews
I've been traveling so much that I haven't kept up with reviews of a bunch of films I've seen recently. So, I thought I'd give you the capsule versions here.
The Debt. Beautifully acted and at times heart-wrenching, this one deserves all its critical praise. That said, you will less enjoy it than appreciate it, because it is emotionally brutal. Expect to walk out of the theater admiring the movie but feeling more than a bit disturbed.
Attack the Block. Almost the opposite experience, fun all the way. A low-budget UK indie with a cast you've never heard of, this one is just a good time. It even includes a great (and inexpensive) twist on monsters that are (most of the time) hard to see in the dark.
Contagion. Soderbergh said he wanted to make a modern tribute to the old Irwin Allen disaster flicks, and he did. The movie is stylish, with great acting from an amazing cast and wonderful directing. Its only problem is that it has such a big scope that you spend too little time with most of the characters to care much about them. In the end, it feels as much like a polemic as it does like a story, with the result that you're likely to appreciate it but never feel fully involved.
The Killer Elite. Take away the leads, and this one is a B-movie actioner you watch and instantly forget. Thanks to Jason Statham, Clive Owen, and Robert DeNiro, however, it's a B-movie actioner that you'll enjoy and remember for a little while.
Abduction. This one could have been a very good B movie, but its relatively lifeless cast dropped it a grade level. Still, as is my tendency, I had a good enough time viewing it; I just could never let my brain engage.
Blitz. We watched this one on DVD, and I have to say it surprised me. We expected another B-movie with Jason Statham, and in some ways it was, but it was also more. The plot went in unexpected directions and was vastly more complex than we expected, as were the characters (though Statham still has only one expression: squinting, with various degrees of squint). At the end, watching the credits, I understood why: a Ken Bruen story was behind it. If you don't know Bruen's work, you're missing out on some great noir fiction from a master Irish storyteller.
There's not a one of these I didn't enjoy at least somewhat, but my favorites were definitely Attack the Block and, to my surprise, Blitz.
The Debt. Beautifully acted and at times heart-wrenching, this one deserves all its critical praise. That said, you will less enjoy it than appreciate it, because it is emotionally brutal. Expect to walk out of the theater admiring the movie but feeling more than a bit disturbed.
Attack the Block. Almost the opposite experience, fun all the way. A low-budget UK indie with a cast you've never heard of, this one is just a good time. It even includes a great (and inexpensive) twist on monsters that are (most of the time) hard to see in the dark.
Contagion. Soderbergh said he wanted to make a modern tribute to the old Irwin Allen disaster flicks, and he did. The movie is stylish, with great acting from an amazing cast and wonderful directing. Its only problem is that it has such a big scope that you spend too little time with most of the characters to care much about them. In the end, it feels as much like a polemic as it does like a story, with the result that you're likely to appreciate it but never feel fully involved.
The Killer Elite. Take away the leads, and this one is a B-movie actioner you watch and instantly forget. Thanks to Jason Statham, Clive Owen, and Robert DeNiro, however, it's a B-movie actioner that you'll enjoy and remember for a little while.
Abduction. This one could have been a very good B movie, but its relatively lifeless cast dropped it a grade level. Still, as is my tendency, I had a good enough time viewing it; I just could never let my brain engage.
Blitz. We watched this one on DVD, and I have to say it surprised me. We expected another B-movie with Jason Statham, and in some ways it was, but it was also more. The plot went in unexpected directions and was vastly more complex than we expected, as were the characters (though Statham still has only one expression: squinting, with various degrees of squint). At the end, watching the credits, I understood why: a Ken Bruen story was behind it. If you don't know Bruen's work, you're missing out on some great noir fiction from a master Irish storyteller.
There's not a one of these I didn't enjoy at least somewhat, but my favorites were definitely Attack the Block and, to my surprise, Blitz.
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