Shane Bolks's Blog, page 11

Girls’ Hair Styles

Sorry moms with all boys, this is a blog about girls’ hairstyles.

For the longest time I had a lot of envy toward those moms who were able to persuade their daughter to keep a bow in her hair. It seemed everywhere we went, little girls had cute barrettes or bows or ribbons, while my own little girl ripped them out as soon as I put them in. I finally found those small elastic bands and started using those. She couldn’t rip them out, and they kept her hair out of her face and, more importantly, out of her food.

But now that Princess Galen is four and a half, I want to do more than pigtails. And I want styles that will last throughout the day because Princess Galen is only going to let me brush it once a day. It has to last. She still won’t wear bows or barrettes, so I want the style itself to be pretty.

That’s where braiding comes in. I took PG to have her bangs trimmed, and the stylist braided her hair before we left. It was a headband braid, and we were able to leave it in for two days. Do you know how peaceful those two days were? The next week I took PG back just for the braid. But my husband wasn’t thrilled about paying for hair braiding every few days, so I decided to learn to French braid. I found Cute Girls Hairstyles.

There I learned to French braid

Dutch braid

Dutch single braid

and make up a few variations of my own

I’m working on the headband braid. Princess Galen has even gotten a little excited about it. She wants me to do this butterfly headband braid.

I guess you’re never too old to learn. Have you learned anything new lately?

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Finding Some Balance in Life

Somedays I feel like I’m doing pretty well. I’ve got my priorities straight, things under control, kids all headed in the right direction… It’s all good.

And then there are other days- like today- when I can hear Life laughing at me and what it thinks as my feeble attempts to make any progress.

I’ve got a job that keeps me running during the day, sometimes into the evening, and a volunteer list that fills up quite a bit of my dance card fairly often. But my girls are out of the house, leaving me with just a pooch that’s needy for attention. So, why is it that I still can’t seem to get a good work, writing, volunteering, exercising, sleeping, fun-time schedule figured out?

I homeschooled my girls for multiple years and kept a pretty rigid schedule during the day. We had to in order to meet the goals I’d set out for them as students. While I was in my both of my master’s programs I had a detailed schedule for reading, homework, research and writing. And I’m proud to say I was a great student. :-)

So again, why is it that with others or when others are involved I’m better at trying to ensure everything is good to go. But when it comes to just plain me– exercise to feel better, write more often because I love it and plan to sell someday, sleep more because my body needs it– I keep falling off the wagon?

I’m wondering if it’s my need to help others or focus on others rather than focus on myself. Sometimes that’s a good thing– others before self. Sometimes, it’s a bad thing– help others to the detriment of self.

It’s about balance. That’s what I talk to my girls about. So, I’m thinking it’s time for me to practice what I preach.

Recognize that if I want to sell a book or feel healthier about my body, then I need to do something about it. Make it a priority just like I make thinking about others a priority.

So, I ask you, is there something you’ve been wanting to do or thinking about doing that you keep putting aside? Is now a good time to work on that or try that? Maybe, maybe not. Only you can decide.

But I’d love to hear how you’re coping with finding balance in your daily life. It can be a struggle. Hearing how others handle it, make it work, or maybe flounder sometimes, too, helps me realize that I’m not alone in this. And maybe something that helps one of you might be a great tip for me or our readers to try.

Thanks for sharing!!

Traveling Without Kids

Here on the blog we’ve discussed traveling with kids a few times. We’ve also discussed the guilt associated with leaving them behind. Today I’m just going to talk about some of the things I do to help prepare the kids and myself when I go on trips.

I still find it somewhat surprising that I travel as often as I do. And I don’t travel nearly as much as some authors. But, between my trip to England this year +4 conferences I’m starting to feel slightly jet set. In that way you do sitting in economy. I’ve been going to conferences since my youngest was nine months old and I remember a lot of mothers looking at me with wide-eyed horror and saying “I could’ve never left mine when they were that little!” (Pro tip: even if you mean well that’s a comment that’s kind of difficult to swallow.)

In some ways I actually found it easier to leave when they were younger. They seemed, in some ways, slightly less aware of it. Now, they are fully aware of the fact that I’m leaving days before I actually do. Which leads me to one of the first things I do…

I tell them the exact dates I’m going to be gone, and how many days it will be. This wouldn’t be helpful for every kid but for my own Sheldon Cooper it’s very helpful. It helps things feel definite, and it’s explained in a precise way that he relates to. Related, we also talk about where I’m going. He’s really into geography and he enjoys hearing about where I’m going to go, and then hearing about it again once I get back.

We also try to do something special tonight before I go. One year we actually drove up to the coast for a while and went to an animal park. But usually it’s just something like going out to dinner and ice cream. This is probably more for me than them. :-) But hey, I do what I can to keep the guilt at bay, even if I do it with ice cream.

My usual travel routine is as follows: I really like to get an early flight. Because I kind of like to sneak out before the kids are out of bed. This is much easier than taking an entire troop of people to the airport, and having to get on a plane with large eyes staring after me. I say my goodbyes the night before, and I find it makes things easier.

I very often spend most of my airport waiting time on the phone with my husband because waiting is the worst and I’m actually a pretty nervous traveler all things considered. And, usually, when it comes to conferences I’m traveling alone.

However, I find that once I actually get conference keeping in touch with home is hard for me. I used to wonder why that was, because it wasn’t like I didn’t miss my family. But what I’ve kind of realized is that I do much better emotionally when I fully commit to being a conference. I end up a bit of a soggy mess when I’m trying to emotionally deal with home, while halfway across the country. Now, if my kids want to talk to me on the phone that’s a different story. But, I’ve found that I do better sending my husband check-in texts. I understand why frequent calls home help other people, but I’m also starting to understand why they don’t help me.

A lot of managing traveling without my kids has been realizing what helps me, what helps them, and not expecting it to be the same for us as it is for other people. To realize that it’s okay that other people couldn’t have imagined leaving their kids at that age – And that I do. It’s okay, and it requires no justification on either side. I guess the bottom line is traveling without kids comes down to knowing your kids, and knowing yourself.

And also, traveling without kids means you don’t have to worry about them kicking anyone’s seat on the plane. ;-)

And if you’re curious about where I’m going, I will be in New Orleans at RT, New York at BEA, San Antonio at RWA and Sydney at RWAustralia. So maybe we’ll run into each other.

The problem with being an introverted mom

You’ve probably heard of the Myers-Brigg personality assessment. If you’re a writer, I know you have. In any case there are 16 types and you can take a test, there are a slew of online ones and they tell you about your personality type. It’s just components, certainly not all inclusive. Now I say as a writer I know you’ve heard about it because us writers are pros when it comes to personality tests and we’re on a first-name basis with all our baggage. For example, I know I’m a total control-freak (also very common among writers, well and moms), I’m reluctant to try new things because I’m not sure I’ll be able to do them right (AKA perfectionist), I have serious body-image issues, and I’m bossy as hell (is that the same thing as being a control freak?) One of the other things I know about myself, and to bring us back to the subject matter and the Myers-Brigg assessment is that I am an introvert. Now I don’t know if there are levels of introverts, but if there are, I’d think I was a Class 4 (on a scale from 1-5), nearly as introverted as one can get. This doesn’t mean I can’t function socially, but I do need my space. Which brings us to the problem with being an introverted mom.

Okay so there’s probably not just one problem, but there is a significant one. There are days when I wake up and though I might not recognize it immediately, it is a day when I need to be alone. Not simply because I need to recharge, but because if I’m around other people I tend to get snippy. I’m not in the mood to talk. At all. I just want to be inside my head and have quiet. These are the days when I’m the worst sort of mom. Most of the time I won’t even notice it until mid-afternoon and I realize I’ve been grumpy with my girls all day. I’ll try to stop and reassess the situation, think of ways I can either (a) be more patient or (b) occupy them without having to engage too much. It’s not that I want to ignore them, but as an introvert, I crave, I need, alone, quiet time in order to function properly. And sleeping doesn’t count. I need awake time to be quiet and alone.

It’s not so much that I don’t like people (though there are days…) it really just has to do with my energy level. The stuff I need to be the best me, that stuff only gets refilled during those alone moments. They’re few and far between these days. And this week, which marks the third year we’ve had our girls, I’m so thankful for my children and the family we’ve become. But I also believing knowing this about myself and taking action to make sure they aren’t the butt of my grumps, makes me a better mom.

So how about you? Do you know where you are on the spectrum? Do you think your personality brings challenges to your parenting?

 

Come see us on Facebook

Hi, everyone…with spring in the air and schedules swirling like crazy, things are getting a bit hectic. We all have lots we want to talk about, and some great blogs forthcoming, but we’ve also been talking about getting the convo going on Facebook. If you’re there, please swing by and Like our page. We plan to cross-post our blogs, but we’d love to get dialog going about other current news stories and events, as well. See something that interests you?  Feel free to post it and get a convo going!

https://www.facebook.com/groups/1491220224434254/

XOXO

 

Tantrums and It’s Really Inconvenient That All Kids Are Different

We have three kids. And you would think that by child number three would have some things down. Bedtime routine, dinners that please young palates, and a surefire way of dealing with outward demonstrations of internal frustrations or, tantrums, if you will.

Unfortunately, I think the only thing we really learned, is that all kids are different. This is true no matter your circumstance, but particularly ours given that we have one with ADHD, one with autism, and one who is now typical, but hardly “typical”. (But then what does typical even mean when you’re talking about kids?)

Our four-year-old, who is our youngest and are “typical” child has been having the year of the tantrum. She was a lovely compliant child until about the age of three when she suddenly realized that she could have an opinion and not just do what mommy and daddy said.

Fortunately, having two older children we were prepared. To feel like we had no idea what we were doing.

I remember before I had kids I used to judge people whose children through fits in public. Surely, I thought, their kids were like that because they were spoiled. Then God blessed us with our oldest son. And a blessing he is, don’t get me wrong. But he also humbled me, and challenged my perception on what tantrums were, and why they were thrown.

With him tantrums often stemmed from a lack of impulse control. They were not necessarily attempts to manipulate. However, I had to learn that. I also had to learn that trying to talk to him while he was throwing a tantrum was unfruitful. Offering ultimatums is also something that doesn’t work. Not with him. The very best thing I can do, from the time he was to even to now at the age of seven, is to have him go to his room and work his way through the fit. Once the tantrum has run its course I’m usually able to communicate with him and have a reasonable conversation.

Then there’s my middle child. I don’t think he’s had a traditional tantrum once in his whole life. He will go into periods where he cries, but it’s often not related to whether or not he’s gotten his way but usually connected to some kind of sensory issue. In many ways, he’s the most easy-going of the three and while his autism certainly present some challenges, tantrums are not one of them.

And we come back to the four-year-old. I think her tantrums of the most classic in nature. Some of them are genuine outbursts of upset, and others are definitely designed to manipulate us. Her most recent trick is to tell her she’s scared. Anything she doesn’t want to do from swim lessons, to going to bed, has her wailing “Mommy, I’m scared!” This is much more effective than throwing herself on the ground screaming. And for a while it was effective. Until we figured it out.

So now we often end up carrying a wailing, screaming child, through a store while she shrieks “I’m scared!”. Good times. With her, the best course of action with the tantrum seems to be to power through and do whatever it was we were going to do in the first place. But her tantrums come from a different place that our oldest son’s do, and she does it for a different reason.

It was an interesting thing to realize and definitely something I’m still getting a handle on. So much of parenting seems to be trial and error. Giving in when we sometimes shouldn’t, digging in when it may not of been wise. Yelling when we should have ignored them, and being too lenient when it was time to get tough.

All that to say, I often feel like having three kids should make me feel like a more experienced parent. When in reality, while you certainly gain more experience in some things it doesn’t change the fact that what I’m dealing with his three distinct personalities. They do things for different reasons, they want different things, they like different things. They all develop at different rates. And they react to things differently.

This is why I think all parenting advice should be taken with a grain of salt. Advice is generalized, based on what kids typically do and why, but it’s never the be-all and end-all. Kids are as different from one another as adults are from each other.

In the meantime I’ll continue to try and get a handle on my daughter’s tantrums, probably just in time for her to grow out of the phase. Have you handled your kids’s tantrums? And did you, like me, find the different methods worked for different children?

*This post was brought to you by Maisey using Dragon Dictate. If there are screwy typos, and by that I mean more than usual, that’s why.

Recommend a Book: Thumb-Sucking

Happy Saturday! Recently I blogged about thumb-sucking. Today I have a few book recommendations for those of you with kids who suck their thumbs. Princess Galen sucks her thumb, and we’ve been working for about 6 months on breaking the habit. It’s a slow process, and I try not to push it too much. A couple of books have been helpful.

For me, Helping the Thumb-Sucking Child was great. It helped me understand why my daughter sucks her thumb and how to gently work with her on the habit. It’s not just a bad habit. There are chemicals released in the brain and science involved! Read the book because that’s the best I can summarize it. No, wait. Neurotransmitters. They’re important too.

A couple of books have appealed to Princess Galen. One is I’m Not a Vampire, I Just Suck My Thumb (I blogged about this one). This one is kind of funny but maybe too scary for little kids or those with big imaginations. We don’t read it at night. In the book, a little girl turns into a vampire until she stops sucking her thumb.

A sweeter book is Thumbuddy to Love. It comes with a little thumbuddy for the kids to wear. For girls it’s a ballerina, and for boys, it’s a fireman (I think). My daughter liked the ballerina, but I wouldn’t say that has helped her stop sucking much.

Have you and your kids read any good books lately?

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Shana Galen, Multitasker Mama

I’m Shana Galen, AKA Multitasker Mama (and aren’t we all?). I’m a wife, mom to a four-year-old daughter I call Baby Galen. My parenting motto is, “Keep moving. Don’t pass out. Don’t throw up.” Or maybe that’s my fitness motto? http://www.shanagalen.com

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Servant Leadership

As a person, a professional, and a mom I try my best to live as a servant leader—doing for others, keeping others’ needs in the forefront. I have to admit, I feel a sense of satisfaction when I’m able to help someone, whether it’s something small like opening a door for a person whose hands are full or spending hours in one-on-one time helping a student improve a scholarship essay that could potentially help them pay for college (a big life changer).

I try to model “doing for others” with my girls, especially so as they were growing up. Now that they’re older and off on their own, my prayer is that they remember my example and continue to see that in me. I tell ya, it’s a beautiful thing when I see or hear about something they’ve done to make another person’s day or week or whatever, a little more positive.

And I really enjoy hearing about others who strive to bring good and do good in our world and communities.

Over the weekend, while watching the Sunday morning news, I learned about one such person: Ariel Nessel, founder and board member of the Pollination Project.

http://thepollinationproject.org/grants-awarded-all/

Since its inception in January 2013, the Pollination Project has given “$1,000 seed grants to individual change makers, every day of the year, emphasizing projects that expand compassion in the world.” According to their mission statement, they believe in the “power of ordinary people to do extraordinary things.”

Wow, what a motivational statement!

Now, I’m not a vegan, so I have to say that I’m not 100% on board with all the organization’s ideas, but I love how they value “compassion consciousness.” Thinking about how your decisions and your choices affect others and the world around you. How many times have I reminded myself of that or mentioned a similar idea to my girls?

We could all benefit—heck, the world, our countries, our cities, our neighborhoods can benefit—if we all tried to sharpen our compassion consciousness a little more. At least on some level, in some manner.

As a mom, I strive to be an example of this for my girls.

In my day job, I strive to do the same.

As a writer, my hope is that a reader’s day will be happier or a stress in her life forgotten for a little while because she’s chosen to spend some time with my characters.

Servant leadership: to me it’s an important value.

I’d love to hear some other values you live by and try to instill in your kids. And if there are any other non-profits you participate with in some manner. There are so many great ones out there, let’s spread their good word today—and every day! 

Saturday Book Recommendation: A Mother for Choco

Several years ago, when The Professor and I still lived in Tennessee my sister sent me a book when she learned we were working toward getting home study approved for domestic adoption. We were always open to any ethnicity and this book is perfectly geared just to that. But it certainly works for all forms of adoption and it’s great for non-adopted kids to learn about families that don’t necessarily all look alike.

Now, both our girls love this book. They know it’s a special book and it reminds them how special our family is. I want them to always recognize our differences and embrace them and not feel excluded because of them.

So Choco is this funny looking bird & he’s looking for his mom. He goes up to all these animals to see if they’re his mom because they share features (walrus & his big cheeks) but he can’t ever find anyone who looks like him. Then he stumbles upon Ms. Bear and she comforts him and brings him home for pie where he meets her other kids – three different animals. It’s charming and sweet and one of our favorites & I wanted to share it with you.

Thumbs and Vampires

Bet you’re wondering how I’m going to make that title come together in this post. :-)

Anyone else have a thumb-sucker? Princess Galen wasn’t always a thumb-sucker. I tried not to allow her to suck on anything, but when it became obvious that she had better have something in her mouth or all hell would break loose, I gave in and gave her a pacifier. I figured I could take the pacifier away when she got a bit older. But she had her own ideas. She gave up her pacifier at 11 months and became a thumb-sucker. Not so easy to take a thumb away.

At 3 and a half, the dentist told Princess Galen and me it would be a good idea if she stopped sucking her thumb at age 4. Her teeth were fine, but the longer she sucked her thumb, the harder it would be to quit and the more likely that she’d have problems with her teeth and need braces. So at age 4, we started working on quitting thumb-sucking. She’s four-and-a-half, and we’re still working on it. One thing that’s worked, besides lots of patience and encouragement, is reading books on thumb-sucking. I read some books, and I read books to her. I had no idea there were kids books on thumb-sucking, but there are. Some of them are not that great, but one is really cute. It’s called I’m Not a Vampire, I Just Suck My Thumb.

This book isn’t for three-year-olds or easily frightened four-year-olds. In the story, the little girl turns into a vampire (she dreams she is one, at any rate) until she stops sucking her thumb.

I like the message that you can do anything you set your mind to, and I like how it’s delivered in kind of a silly, fun way. Of course the girl isn’t really a vampire and kids who suck their thumbs won’t turn into vampires, but it’s a fun, non-threatening way to talk about thumb-sucking.

If you had a thumb-sucker, what worked for you?

Shana Galen, Multitasker Mama

I’m Shana Galen, AKA Multitasker Mama (and aren’t we all?). I’m a wife, mom to a four-year-old daughter I call Baby Galen. My parenting motto is, “Keep moving. Don’t pass out. Don’t throw up.” Or maybe that’s my fitness motto? http://www.shanagalen.com

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